pi3: July 2020

Friday, 31 July 2020

Day 347: The precipice of … something

Today is a mash of things, because frankly I still am not feeling good. My the scaly bits on my hands, face, and apparently elbows (missed that one until last night) haven't gotten worse (yay), but they haven't gotten better either (boo). On one hand it's a realization that whatever is wrong with me was worse than I had thought, on the other, the world still moves forward and unfortunately I have work to do, so what's a guy to do?

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Creating a Self-Care Plan to Survive Stressful Times

A super self-care plan will help you feel more like yourself.

A super self-care plan is a must. Especially, during times of stress and uncertainty — like now.

Right now, it’s easy to put everyone else first. But by putting yourself second, you are risking your emotional and physical health.

Practicing self-care and putting yourself first doesn’t mean you are selfish.

It’s important that you take care of yourself. Your friends and family will thank you for it. And you will feel better and happier.

A super self-care plan will also help you feel more like yourself. You will be more alert and aware.

This is very important, because I find many women have a hard time committing to a self-care plan.

A lot of women feel guilty about a self-care plan — we have been taught to put others first. But, there’s a cost to your emotional and physical health when you do this. When you put everyone else first, your mind feels cluttered.

You shouldn’t feel guilty for having a super self-care plan, and you shouldn’t be around people who make you feel guilty about it. Self-care may sound unproductive, but a self-care plan will actually make you more productive.

How to Turn Toward Your Personal Goals and Away From Pain

You will feel refreshed and better able to focus. You’ll be able to prioritize what’s most important and delegate tasks.

A super self-care plan starts with taking a look at your mindset. This means taking an inventory of your thoughts.

What you feed your mind becomes your mindset. So, stop telling yourself that self-care is selfish, and start talking positively to yourself about self-care.

Here are 7 self-care tips that will help you feel your best even under stress.

1. Stop Waiting for an Outside Miracle to Change Your Life.

Everyone is waiting for a big miracle to change their life and suddenly make them happy.

It’s time for a reality check: How often does that happen?

Life is about taking small steps — a bunch of small steps that lead to that big step. It’s also about feeling vulnerable.

A lot of people are waiting for the perfect time to make a change. Now, when will the timing ever be perfect? So, what are you waiting for? Start making the changes you want to make today.

Change always feels scary. But you can always count on change; it’s something you can’t control.

2. Take an Interest in Your Health.

This is the first and most crucial step in self-care. This doesn’t mean turn to Google when you have a cold or backache. This will send you down a mental rabbit hole.

This means to schedule an appointment for a checkup. You should be having checkups regularly, not only with your doctor, but your dentist as well. Make sure you’re having proper screenings and are healthy.

If you take medication, make sure you have the correct dose. Tell your doctor if you are experiencing unnecessary side effects.

3. Exercise Regularly.

Moderate exercise is good for your emotional and physical health. This will get the endorphins going and give you a natural high. It will also help ease your mind if you’re on a computer all day. A regular exercise program also helps with sleep.

You can go for a walk, take a yoga class, or go to the gym. Find something that you enjoy. Invite a friend. What’s important is that you find something you like.

You don’t want to engage in extreme exercise. This can cause an injury, then you won’t want to exercise. Keep it consistent and simple.

4. Celebrate the Process.

A super self-care plan doesn’t happen overnight. The next time you take 10 minutes for yourself, make sure to compliment yourself for it. Don’t beat yourself up if you didn’t take time for yourself one day.

Remember: It’s a process, and tomorrow is always a new day. Self-care is something you practice daily. It’s taking care of your mind, body, and soul.

You can start by writing down three things you are grateful for at the end of the day. It won’t take long. Commit to this gratitude jounaling practice every day for two weeks and see how you feel.

5. Practice Being Optimistic.

Optimism creates happiness! Being optimistic is not the same as expecting a big miracle; it’s about being positive about the future — and learning from the past.

Don’t let your imagination get the best of you and predict the worst outcome. With a little planning, you can have a positive future.

When you think bad things will happen, they often will. Whatever is happening now will eventually pass. You’ll get through this and be able to move on.

6. Listen to Your Inner Voice.

This means your gut or intuition. It’s easy in our fast-paced world to get away from our inner voice. You start to listen to others without consulting yourself first. When you’re busy and stressed out, this is more likely to happen.

I know whenever I’ve made a bad decision, I didn’t stop to consult myself first. You know what is best for you. You can make good decisions for yourself.

Start to keep a journal. Ask yourself questions and see what answers you come up with.

The Tips You Need to Find Your Inner Peace

7. Surround Yourself With Positive People.

Your environment affects how you feel. If possible, stay away from negative people. This means at home and at work. Negative people can bring you down.

But positive people can help you feel better and more positive about the future.

Make a list of your closest five people to you. What is it you like about them? Are they on the positive or negative side? Do you feel inspired by them?

If you answered “they’re negative,” what’s the reason you’re keeping them close?

Start with one of these tips today. You can add self-care to your calendar to help with accountability. You can also find an accountability partner.

Self-care doesn’t have to be difficult. Once you start, you won’t be able to stop.

This guest article was first published by on YourTango.com: 7 Super Self-Care Tips To Feel Your Best In Stress.

Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash.

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Why Is Math Hard for Me?

From a young man in Lithuania: hello i have question, since i find math hard does that mean that i have low IQ, cause i don’t know why i but i find math too hard.

The simple answer to your question is no. IQ is far more complex than that. People have different brains and different talents and different struggles. You may not be good at math, but I bet there are other things you find easy that another person might find difficult.

There are, in fact, many kinds of intelligence. You might find it interesting and reassuring to read the work of the developmental psychologist, Howard Gardner. He identified 9 different types of intelligence: Naturalistic; Musical; Logical-mathematical; Existential; Interpersonal; Kinesthetic; Linguistic; Intra-personal; and Spatial.

Different people have different combinations of strengths and weaknesses in each. Unfortunately, to my way of thinking, schools emphasize the Logical and Mathematical. Someone who has difficulty in those areas then ends up feeling inadequate. But maybe their strengths just lie in the other areas.

I understand that maths is hard for you. But that doesn’t mean impossible. You can probably learn enough about it that you can pass — even if you aren’t a star at it. See about getting a tutor or spend some time on line with sites that help you break the problems down into steps you can manage.

Meanwhile, school isn’t life. Explore the intelligences that you do have. Figure out what activities and even professions will give you the room to enjoy your own strengths.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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The Traits People Find Most Attractive In A Partner (M)

Searching for someone who exactly matches your ideals may be a waste of time.

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The Diet That Reduces Stomach Bloating

Bloating is a frequent symptom of irritable bowel syndrome and is triggered by specific types of diet.

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A Mental Sign Of Vitamin D Deficiency

Up to 70 percent of people could have a vitamin D deficiency.

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Harness Positive Energy to Master Your Personal Power

In today’s world, everyone lives at a level of stress and anxiety that destroys the quality of their work, their relationships and their health. People keep striving and struggling, only to be left feeling stuck and frustrated because they can’t figure out how to reach the place in life that they long for.

While it’s often true that going after your goals requires some sacrifice, it’s also true that working to achieve goals shouldn’t leave you stressed and miserable in the meantime. The cornerstone of achieving your goals and, consequently, a successful life, is based on your level of feeling joy and fulfillment now — not reserving those feelings until a particular goal is met.

Your primary goal should be to cultivate elevated thoughts and emotions that raise your energy no matter what the day brings. It’s important to develop habits and skills that get you to your place of positive energy and sustain you there as often as possible. There’s nothing more important to living a successful stress-free life than deliberately practicing the art of finding ways to uplift your energy.

Here are helpful tips to harness positive energy and elevate your personal power for achieving your life goals:

To begin, you must start at the end. Start with changing the way you end your day. Getting rest is absolutely key. Find ways to wind down and relax before bed. Turn off the TV and stop listening to news well before bedtime. Read a good book, listen to relaxing music, take a hot bath or simply write in a journal about the things for which you’re grateful. Meditation and prayer are also wonderful ways to close the day.
Ease into the day. When you wake in the morning, try not to jump up and go. Give yourself a few minutes to reflect on the day ahead. Again, prayer and meditation are powerful ways to clear your mind and bring in peace and positivity. Ask yourself energizing questions like, “What can I be excited about today?” Or create some simple affirmative statements that you can say to yourself each morning to support a positive, successful day. This can be something as straightforward as, “I’m looking forward to a great day and all of the interesting things that are going to happen.
Attend to your mind and body. Before getting on with your day, drink plenty of water — about 1 liter or 32 ounces. The cells of your brain and body are at least 70 percent water so you must hydrate to be able to think clearly and for your organs to work properly. Do some stretching and deep breathing to increase blood flow and oxygen, which are also critical for energy and clear thinking. Eat a healthy breakfast that includes whole, colorful plant foods, which are the most healing for your body because they’re rich with fiber, antioxidants and phytonutrients that support your immune system.
Make a plan to address top objectives. Now that you’ve established a high-energy foundation, it’s important to plan your day so that you achieve the most toward your ultimate goals. Write down your three most important goals and anything that must be done to make progress towards them. Schedule blocks of time throughout your day to accomplish the specific tasks on your list. Don’t start your day with email or social media. Emails are just people asking you to do things that are important to them. These usually have nothing to do with your top priority goals of the day. If your job requires that you begin answering emails by a certain time, then create a morning routine that starts earlier so that you still have control over the start of your workday.
Stay present. Learn to fully engage in each task you take on throughout the day. Engage in your block time priority activities, but also fully engage in each conversation or job that you carry out. When you fully engage in each moment, you’re far more productive because your mind isn’t on other areas of responsibility or concern. And, when you fully engage in each conversation, the people you’re conversing with become highly motivated.
Check in with yourself. Pay attention to your mindset and how your thoughts make you feel all throughout the day. Instead of trying to force positive thoughts, which has an element of negativity or self-criticism behind it, concentrate on the feeling resulting from your thoughts. The world’s most successful people monitor their psychological state and strive to choose thoughts that are supportive and feel positive.

Understand that by creating new healthy habits, you dramatically improve your positive energy, your physical health and your emotional well-being. To change your life requires action, but taking action from an elevated place within you will make the most significant difference to the outcome.

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Inflammaging and COVID-19

I pass on the first paragraph from a Science Perspectives article by Akbar and Gilroy, and suggest that you have a look at the whole article.

Aging is associated with increased morbidity arising from a range of tissue dysfunctions. A common denominator of age-associated frailty is increased baseline inflammation, called inflammaging, that is present in older individuals. Recent studies have shown that the presence of excessive inflammation can inhibit immunity in both animals and humans and that this can be prevented by blocking inflammatory processes. This finding has important implications for the immunity of older individuals who are infected with pathogens such as severe acute respiratory syndrome coronavirus 2 (SARS-CoV-2) that induce overwhelming inflammation, which can be fatal, particularly in older people. Reducing inflammation may be a therapeutic strategy for enhancing immunity in older people.

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Is It OK to Keep It a Secret?

I’ve had the dilemma of whether I have to tell my future girlfriend or wife that I have gay attraction and had past interactions with guys (that said, I do NOT have a girlfriend at this point). My concern is that her finding out about my issue would likely cause her eventually to tell my family, and if found out, I’d lose my good relationship with my family. As long as that I know it’s wrong to do certain things with other guys and no longer do them, I was wondering whether you think one could possibly still have a good conscience if he doesn’t tell his future girlfriend or wife (either before or during the marriage) about his attraction to men (or past interactions with guys) EVEN if she asks him a direct question about this (in other words, would there be a “moral” exception to “lying” such to protect one’s future individual welfare or prospects of continuing the relationship/marriage to her). For example, in this scenario, do you think could I be spiritually OK if I evade her finding out about this by saying the “past is past, our commitment to each other is what matters” (From Canada)

While I can appreciate the concern you are having I think you are putting the emphasis on the wrong question. In other words, I think you are using a hypothetical future girlfriend, and what you want to hide about yourself as a way of avoiding a more direct way of dealing with yourself. The question isn’t what you are going to tell your imaginary girlfriend about your sexual preferences in the past and present, but rather what you are going to do about dealing with this reality in you.

You specifically state that you have had same sex attraction to men, and that you have past relations with men. You do not say you’ve had a relationship with a woman and this leaves what you are saying as only a hypothetical. The scenario you’ve painted is that when the woman you are with finds out that you have been lying to her about your true nature (through omission) she will be upset. In other words, when she finds out you’ve betrayed her with this secret she will ruin your relationship with your family by telling them. You’d want her to keep the secret that you aren’t attracted to her and for her not to be hurt by this. This isn’t fair. Your girlfriend or wife isn’t going to be in an authentic relationship with someone who can accept himself. The “secret” you talk about keeping sounds more like something you are not willing to admit.

I would highly recommend individual therapy with a counselor who specializes in sex-related issues. This is your issue to sort through, not something to lie about to someone else so you don’t have to continue lying to yourself.

At the core is your belief that what you are feeling is inappropriate. You say: “…I know it’s wrong to do certain things with other guys…” This is what is driving you to fabricate a girlfriend and what you will tell her. Working with a skilled therapist to sort through this issue will be more helpful than trying to figure out if lying will be better.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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What Color is Your Mental Parachute?

Aphantasia and Occupational Choice

NOTE: This isn't a real test of visual imagery. Click HERE for the Simple Aphantasia Test, which assesses whether (and how well) you can imagine pictures in your mind's eye.

Do you prefer to learn by studying material that is visual, auditory, verbal (reading/writing), or kinesthetic (“by doing”) in nature? A massive educational industry has promoted the idea of distinct “learning styles” based on preference for one of these four modalities (take the VARK!). This neuromyth has been thoroughly debunked (see this FAQ).

But we humans clearly vary in our cognitive strengths, and this in turn influences our choice of career. This should come as no surprise.

A recent study queried the occupational choices of self-selected populations of people at the extremes of visual imagery abilities: those with Aphantasia (n=993 male/981 female) or Hyperphantasia (n=65 male/132 female). This was assessed by their scores on the Vividness of Visual Imagery Questionnaire (VVIQ). There was also a control group with average scores on the VVIQ, but they were poorly matched on age and education.

Fig. 4 (Zeman et al., 2020). Percentage of participants with aphantasia and hyperphantasia reporting their occupation as being:
1 = Management, 2 = Business and ﬁnancial; 3 = Computer and mathematical/Life, physical, social science; 4 = Education, training, and library; 5 = Arts, design, entertainment, sports and media; 6 = Healthcare, practitioners and technical.

As expected, people with fantastic visual imagery were more likely to be in arts, design, entertainment, and media, as well as sports (an excellent ability to imagine a pole vault or swing a bat would be very helpful). People with poor to no visual imagery were more likely to choose a scientific or mathematical occupation. These categories are rather broad, however. For instance, “media” includes print media. And artists and photographers with Aphantasia certainly do exist.

The study had a number of limitations, e.g. washing out individual differences and relying on introspection for rating visual imagery ability (as noted by the authors). There are more objective ways to test for imagery, but these involve in-person visits. Although the authors were circumspect in the Discussion, they were a bit splashy in the title of their paper (Phantasia–The Psychological Significance Of Lifelong Visual Imagery Vivdness Extremes). And the condition of “Aphantasia” existed long before it was named and popularized. But these researchers have caught the imagination of the general public, so to speak:

The delineation of these forms of extreme imagery also clarifies a vital distinction between imagery and imagination: people with aphantasia–who include the geneticist Craig Venter, the neurologist Oliver Sacks and the creator of Firefox, Blake Ross–can be richly imaginative, as visualisation is only one element of this more complex capacity to represent, reshape and reconceive things in their absence.

Reference

Zeman A, Milton F, Della Sala S, Dewar M, Frayling T, Gaddum J, Hattersley A, Heuerman-Williamson B, Jones K, MacKisack M, Winlove C. (2020). Phantasia–The Psychological Significance Of Lifelong Visual Imagery Vivdness Extremes. Cortex. 2020 May 4; S0010-9452(20)30140-4.

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Thursday, 30 July 2020

Do You Feel Shame about Being Single?

If find yourself single, are you ok with that or distressed by it? Do you feel judged by others — or perhaps judge yourself for your current status?

Growing up in our society, it’s hard to avoid the message that being married is required for happiness. We may feel pressured to believe that if we’re not in a partnership, there’s something wrong with us — that it’s shameful to be single.

But is being single so horrible? Are married or partnered folks really happier than the single people among us?

In a fifteen year study of 24,000 people living in Germany, researchers found that marriage offered a boost to life satisfaction, but the increase was tiny — one-tenth of one point on a ten-point scale. And that difference was likely due to the initial effects of marriage.

The lead author of the study, Dr. Richard E. Lucas of Michigan State University, concluded that most people were no more satisfied with life after marriage than they were prior to marriage.

Comparing life satisfaction between those who are married or partnered versus those who are single is not easy to do. Studies offer varying results. One study suggests that happy singles are more likely to marry and that there are wide differences in the benefits of marriage for different couples.

I’ve often seen clients who are unhappy with their single life. I’ve often observed that some of that dissatisfaction comes from the loneliness of being single or the fear of being single forever (when one doesn’t want to be). But an often overlooked part of their dissatisfaction is due to the shame experienced around it — the shame that stems from social norms and self-inflicted shame.

The Buddhist parable of the two arrows offers a useful parallel. The first arrow is the unpleasant circumstance we might find ourselves in. The second arrow is our mental and emotional reaction to our circumstances.

So let’s say we’re single. Perhaps there are times we feel sad or lonely about that. These are feelings we can notice and be gentle with. But then on top of that comes the second arrow — the belief that there’s something wrong with us for being single. There may also be internalized shame from societal beliefs that we should be partnered.

If we choose to buy into these beliefs and norms — accepting them as truth — then we add a self-inflicted wound to whatever dissatisfaction we might feel around being single. If we take a step back and notice these beliefs — bringing mindfulness to them — then rather than merge with these beliefs and be ruled by them, we can explore whether they are really true.

Is it true that married people are happier than single people?

Perhaps it depends on the person. Perhaps happily married people were fairly happy before they got married. Perhaps some married people are pretty happy at first. And then they discover differences or reach impasses that they don’t have the skills or willingness to work through. Maybe they divorce and are thrown back into their single life, perhaps with children to now be raised in separate households. Or maybe they remain together and put on a happy face, but underneath one or both of them are struggling or quietly suffering.

Attachment Theory tells us that we’re wired for connection. We’re social creatures who need healthy connections in order to thrive. A fulfilling partnership or marriage can meet our needs for connection and intimacy, freeing us from the burden of unmet needs, furthering our joy, and improving our quality of life.

However, friendships are often an underrated source of satisfaction. Creating relationships where we feel safe to reveal our true feelings and thoughts — and share activities with — can go a long way toward meeting our need for connection. We can be single without being alone.

The learning, growth, and joy of a marriage or partnerships can offer extraordinary blessings. But whether or not we’re in a partnerships, friendships can add an important dimension of satisfaction to our life.

Periods of being single can be helpful opportunities for growth. Being alone can allow us to work on ourselves — perhaps exploring how past relationships got off track and how we might approach them next time around. Psychotherapy or coaching might help us learn more about ourselves, what we really want, and how to move forward in our lives.

We might also discover that there is joy in relishing our own company. We can cultivate resources, perhaps through exercise, meditation, spiritual practice, art, writing, or music to deepen our well-being and expand our creativity.

Perhaps you’re content with your single status. If not, I don’t want to minimize the dissatisfaction you might be feeling. But at the same time, I invite you to consider if you’re carrying any shame around it (the second arrow). If so, perhaps you can be more gentle with yourself, remembering that the grass always seems greener somewhere else.

You may still want to keep your eyes open when opportunities present themselves—or search more actively if that feels right for you. But consider that you have the capacity to cultivate your inner life, while also availing yourself of the telephone, internet, and perhaps safe social opportunities to connect with people who might add joy and meaning to your life.

Happy people tend to have happier partnerships. Do your best to create a satisfying life for yourself. And be open to opportunities and synchronicities that might bring a lovely partner into your life. If not, consider the prospect that you can have a satisfying, meaningful life whether you happen to be single or partnered right now.

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Day 346: What is going on with me?

It's going to sound like depression. I realize that as we dive into today. I don't normally do this, but I'm rewriting this intro because I know what it sounds like. It's not that, this is something else and it worries me because it's something I've lived with for a long time now, but it's worse. I know depression, I'm good friends with depression, this is something different so don't tell me it's depression, it's not I promise. It just happens to be worse than I can ever remember right as I'm dealing with the worst flair up [of whatever I have going on] in my entire life, so it couldn't be a coincidence ... could it?

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The Vaccine That Reduces Alzheimer’s Risk By 40%

Dementia patients who suffer more infections experience higher mortality rates.

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The Tasty Food That Protects Against Heart Disease

Indulge in this tasty food once a week to reduce your risk of heart disease.

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3 Personality Traits That Indicate High IQ

Many people do not predict that these traits are linked to being smart.

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Podcast: Your Gut Instinct is Bad For Your Relationships

While caring for his wife as she struggled with a severe nervous breakdown, Dr. Gleb Tsipursky put the cognitive strategies he’d long been teaching others to work on his strained relationship. After seeing the incredible impact it had on his marriage as a whole, he decided to write a book to share these relationship-changing communication strategies.

Join us as Dr. Tsipursky explains why going with your “gut” can actually backfire and shares 12 practical mental habits you can begin using today for excellent communication.

We want to hear from you — Please fill out our listener survey by clicking the graphic above!

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Guest information for ‘Gleb Tsipursky- Instinct Relationship’ Podcast Episode

Gleb Tsipursky, PhD, is a cognitive neuroscientist and behavioral economist on a mission to protect people from relationship disasters caused by the mental blind spots known as cognitive biases through the use of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)-informed strategies. His expertise comes from over fifteen years in academia researching cognitive neuroscience and behavioral economics, including seven as a professor at Ohio State University, where he published dozens of peer-reviewed articles in academic journals such as Behavior and Social Issues and Journal of Social and Political Psychology. It also stems from his background of over twenty years of consulting, coaching, speaking, and training on improving relationships in business settings as CEO of Disaster Avoidance Experts.

A civic activist, Tsipursky leads Intentional Insights, a nonprofit organization popularizing the research on solving cognitive biases, and has extensive expertise on translating the research to a broad audience. His cutting-edge thought leadership was featured in over 400 articles and 350 interviews in Time, Scientific American, Psychology Today, Newsweek, The Conversation, CNBC, CBS News, NPR, and more. A best-selling author, he wrote Never Go With Your Gut, The Truth Seeker’s Handbook, and Pro Truth. He lives in Columbus, OH; and to avoid disaster in his personal life, makes sure to spend ample time with his wife.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Gleb Tsipursky- Instinct Relationship’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Hello, everyone, and welcome to this week’s episode of The Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Dr. Gleb Tsipursky. Dr. Tispursky is on a mission to protect leaders from dangerous judgment errors known as cognitive biases by developing the most effective decision-making strategies. He is the author of The Blindspots Between Us, and he’s a returning guest. Dr. Tsipursky, welcome to the show.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Thanks so much for having me on again, Gabe. It’s a pleasure.

Gabe Howard: Well, I’m very excited to have you on, because today we’re going to be talking about how our mental blind spots can damage our relationships and how to defeat these blind spots to save our relationships. I think this is something a lot of people can really relate to because we all very much care about our relationships.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: We do, but we think too little about the kind of mental blind spots that devastate our relationships. I mean, there’s a reason about 40% of marriages in the US end in divorces. And there is a reason that so many friendships break apart due to misunderstandings and conflicts that don’t need to happen. And when I see people doing that, running into these sorts of problems, they are just suffering in needless, unnecessary way. And that really harms them, and that really kind of breaks my heart. So that’s why I wrote this book.

Gabe Howard: We think about the term cognitive bias and there’s just so many psychological terms that basically say the way that your body feels is lying to you. That just because something makes you feel good doesn’t make it good. And just because something feels bad doesn’t make it bad. And I know that you’ve done excellent work in helping business leaders understand that. And this book is sort of an extension of that work in helping people understand that just because your friend or lover or spouse makes you feel bad doesn’t make it bad. Is that what you’re trying to tie together here?

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: I am, and this work actually emerged from where my wife, about five years ago, had a nervous breakdown, major nervous breakdown, where she was in a pretty terrible spot. So like you said, I’ve been doing consulting, coaching, training for business leaders for over 20 years now. And I’m a Ph.D. in cognitive neuroscience, behavioral economics. I’ve taught at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill and at Ohio State as a professor for fifteen years. Now, at that point when my wife had a nervous breakdown, that was pretty terrible. So she was just crying for no reason, anxious for no reason. No reason that she was aware of. And that was really bad. She couldn’t work, she couldn’t do anything. I had to become her caretaker. And that was a really big strain on a relationship. I knew about these strategies, which I was already teaching to business leaders, and I started applying them toward our relationship. And we started to work through some of these strains in our relationship using the strategies. And so seeing the kind of impact that they had on our marriage and where they pretty much saved our marriage, definitely would not have been able to cope without these strategies. I decided that it would be a good time to write a book for a broader audience about personal relationships, romantic life, friendship, community, civic engagement, all of those sorts of relationships that are really damaged by the blind spots we have between us as human beings that can really be saved if we just are more aware of these blind spots and know about the research based tactics to address these blind spots.

Gabe Howard: As I’m sitting here listening to you, I completely agree with you, I know your educational background. I know the research that you’ve put into it. I’ve read your books and I believe you, Dr. Tsipursky. But there’s this large part of me that’s like, wait a minute, we’re supposed to trust our heart and trust our gut, especially in romantic relationships, love at first sight. I mean, every romantic comedy is based on this butterflies in the stomach. So the logical part of me is like Dr. Tsipursky, spot on. But the I want to fall in love in this magical way part of me is like, don’t bring science into this. And I imagine you get this a lot, right, because love isn’t supposed to boil down to science. What do you say to that?

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Well, I say it’s just like exactly the kind of love we feel for a box of dozen donuts. You know, when we see them, when we see that box of dozen donuts, we just have this desire in our heart and our gut. We feel it’s the right thing to do to just gorge on those donuts. They look delicious and it’s yummy. And wouldn’t it be lovely to eat all those donuts, right? Well, I mean, what would happen to you after that?

Gabe Howard: Right.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: That would not be a good consequence for you. You know that. You know that, you know, five minutes after you finished gorging yourself on those donuts or eating a whole tub of ice cream or whatever your poison is, that you would be regretting it. And that is the kind of experience that we have where our body, our heart, our mind, or our feelings, whatever it comes from, those sensations, they lie to us. They deceive us about what’s good for us. And that all comes from how our emotions are wired. They’re not actually wired for the modern environment. That’s the sucky thing. They’re wired for the savannah environment. When we lived in small tribes of hunter-gatherers, fifteen people to 150 people. So in that environment, when we came across a source of sugar, honey, apples, bananas, it was very important for us to eat as much of it as possible. And that’s what our emotions were for. We are the descendants of those who were successfully able to gorge themselves on all the sugar that they came across, all the honey. And therefore, they survived and those who didn’t, didn’t. That’s an inborn instinct in us. That’s a genetic instinct. Now, in the current modern environment, it leads us in very bad directions because we have way too much sugar in our environment for our own good.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: So if we eat too much of it, we get fat. That’s bad for us. There’s a reason there’s an obesity epidemic here in the US and actually around the world in countries that adopt the US diet. And so this is why you want to understand that your feelings are going to be lying to you around food, around what kind of food you want to eat. In the same way, your feelings, the current research is showing very clearly, that your feelings are going to be lying to you about other people because our feelings are adapted to the tribal environment, when we lived in those small tribes. They are a great fit if you happen to live in a small tribe in the African savannah. But for all of you who are not listening to this podcast in a small little cave in the African savannah, they’re going to be a terrible fit for you. It’s really going to cause you to make really wrong, terrible decisions for your long term good. Because these natural, primitive, savage feelings are not what you want to be using for modern, current environment.

Gabe Howard: There’s a phrase and you reference it as well. Marketers say you can’t go wrong telling people what they want to hear, and that’s a great marketing concept to sell, you know, cereal. But it’s not such a great concept if you’re trying to encourage people to fall in love, get married or make decisions. Because if you buy a cereal that you don’t like, eh, you’re out four bucks, right. You’re out, you know, five bucks, big deal. You never eat the cereal again. But if you wreck a relationship that is good or you enter into a relationship that’s bad, this has real long term consequences.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Right now, in the current environment where we don’t realize that go with your heart and follow your gut on the romantic relationships is horrible advice that will devastate your relationships, no matter how uncomfortable you feel about me saying that. People like Tony Robbins, I mean, he says be primal, be savage. You know, follow your intuition. That’s an essential message for people like Tony Robbins or Dr. Oz or whatever. All those other people who are on those stages and who millions of people listen to. It’s very comfortable to hear that message because you want to follow your gut. You feel good about it. Just like it feels comfortable, it feels delightful to eat those dozen donuts. It feels delightful, feels comfortable to go with your gut and follow your intuitions in your relationships, because that is what feels good. It doesn’t feel comfortable at all, you really have to go outside of your comfort zone to do the difficult thing and step back from your intuitions and from your feelings and say, hey, I might be wrong about this. This might not be the right move. I might not want to enter into this relationship or I might want to stop this relationship. That’s actually not good for me. But people don’t want to hear that. These people who tell you this advice, they actually are leading you in very bad directions, very harmful, very dangerous directions. Research shows clearly that they’re wrong.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: And if you don’t want to screw up your relationships and you’re not going to be part of the 40% whose marriages end up in divorce and whose other sorts of relationships are devastated. So this is something that you need to realize that you are going to be really shooting yourself in the foot if you follow the advice of to be primal, to be savage. Even though it feels very uncomfortable to hear what I’m saying right now. Of course, it goes against your intuitions. It doesn’t feel comfortable and it will never feel comfortable. Just like there are lots of unscrupulous food companies that sell you a box of dozen donuts when they really should be selling you a box of two donuts. I mean, that’s the healthy thing in the modern environment. We know that. That’s what doctors advise us, but it’s very hard to stop it when we have a box of dozen donuts. Well, why then do companies sell us a box of dozen donuts? Because they make a lot more money doing this then when they sell you one donut or two donuts. So the relationship gurus, they make a whole lot more money than people who tell you to actually do the right but uncomfortable thing. The simple, counterintuitive, effective strategies that help you address your relationships by defeating these mental blind spots and helping you save your relationships.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after these messages.

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Gabe Howard: And we’re back discussing how our mental blind spots can damage our relationships with Dr. Gleb Tsipursky. One of the things I like about your book is that you talk about the illusion of transparency and you have a story that sort of surrounds it to bring this to the forefront so that people can understand it. Can you talk about the illusion of transparency and can you share the story that’s in your book?

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Happy to. So the story was of two casual acquaintances of mine. They went out on a date together. George and Mary, when they went on the date, George, he thought it was wonderful. Mary was so understanding, so interested, listened to him so well. And George told Mary all about himself. He felt that Mary really understood him, unlike so many of the women that he dated. So as they parted for the night, they agreed to schedule another date soon. Well, the next day, George texted Mary, but Mary didn’t text back. So, George waited for a day and sent Mary a Facebook message. But she didn’t respond to him. Even though George noticed that she saw the Facebook message. He sent her an e-mail then. But Mary maintained radio silence. Eventually, he gave up trying to contact her. He was really disappointed, and he thought that, just like all of these other women, how can he be so wrong about her? So why didn’t Mary write back or respond back? Well, she had a different experience than George on the date. Mary was polite and shy and she felt really overwhelmed from the start of a date with George being so extroverted and energetic, telling her all about himself, his parents, job, friends, not asking her anything about herself.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: And she thought, you know, why would I date someone who overwhelms me like that? Doesn’t really care about what I think? She politely listened to George, not wanting to hurt his feelings. And she told George, she would go out with him again, but she had absolutely no intention of doing so. I learned about this, the really different viewpoints of Mary and George, because I knew both of them as casual acquaintances. George, after the date, started complaining to people around him, including me, about Mary’s refusal to respond to the messages. That he thought at least went very well. And George felt that he was genuinely sharing and Mary did wonderful listing so he was confused and upset. I privately then went to Mary, asked Mary about, hey, what’s up? What happened? And she told me her side of the story. She told me that she sent a lot of nonverbal signals of her lack of interest in what he was saying to her. But George really failed to catch the signals. Mary perceived him as oversharing and herself as behaving very politely until she could leave. Now, that’s the story. That’s the nature of the story. You might feel that it’s problematic for Mary to avoid responding to George’s texts.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: But you have to realize that there are tons of Marys out there who behave this way due to a combination of shyness, politeness, and conflict avoidance. That’s the kind of people they are. They’re kind of anxious about conflict. But at the same time, there are so many Georges, they are very extroverted, they’re very energetic. And as a result, they don’t read nonverbal signals from others very well at all. In this case, both George and Mary fell into the illusion of transparency. This is one of the most common mental blind spots or cognitive biases. The illusion of transparency describes our tendency to greatly overestimate the extent to which others understand our mental patterns, what we feel and what we think. It’s one of the many biases that cause us to feel, think, and talk past each other. And so this is the big problem for us, the illusion of transparency, because if you feel that, like George felt, that Mary understands him and Mary feels like I’m sending these very clear signals, why does this guy keep being a jerk and not responding to them? That is something super dangerous for relationships, harms a great deal of relationships when we misunderstand the extent to which other people get us.

Gabe Howard: One of the things that I want to focus in on is that she said that she was sending non verbals. On one hand, I am guilty of missing the nonverbal. So I’m going to tend to take Georgia’s side in this, which is that she didn’t speak up. She didn’t say anything, and instead she hinted. And it sounds like what you’re saying is that she felt in her gut that her nonverbals, her hinting, were enough and that Georgia’s lack of responding made him rude.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Mm-hmm.

Gabe Howard: But probably from George’s side, as you said, George’s like, she said nothing. I carried on. And now she’s blaming me. So now we’ve got both of those sides. Now, they’re not going to work out as a romantic couple.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Clearly.

Gabe Howard: we get it. It’s a bummer. But let’s pretend for a moment that you are much more invested, Dr. Tsipursky, in George and Mary than you actually are. And you’re like, oh, my God, if they can just get over this one tiny little hump, they will just be a beautiful couple forever. And I know you’re not a therapist, but if you could sit George and Mary down and say, listen, you two are actually a perfect couple. But you’ve let this primitive nonsense get in the way. How would you help them get over this hump so they could see that, actually, they do have quite a bit in common?

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Well, I would think that one of the things they need to work on is let’s say they have, share a lot of interests and they have very similar values. They have a lot of differences in their communication styles. That will be a big challenge. First of all, working on the illusion of transparency, they need to be much more humble about the idea that the other person understands them, about their ability to send signals correctly. The essence of the illusion of transparency is that when we think we’re sending a signal, a message to other people, we think the other person gets it 100%. That’s just how it feels because we feel OK, we’re sending this message. Therefore, the other people understand it because we are sending it.

Gabe Howard: Right.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: We are way too confident about our own ability to be good communicators. And that is the underlying essence of the illusion of transparency. Everyone, all of us, and especially George and Mary, need to develop a great deal more humility about their ability to send the signals, whether verbal or nonverbal and have those signals be received appropriately. So that’s kind of one thing to work on. The other things to work on would be the differences in communication styles where Mary is clearly shy., conflict-avoidant. So she’s very unlikely to speak up just because of that personality. It will take her a great deal of emotional labor to speak up in these areas. So perhaps that she can, instead of speaking up, because specifically verbalizing things is pretty difficult for many people. She can have a nonverbal signal that’s much more clear, you know, raising her hand in some way to indicate that, you know, hey, I’m getting overwhelmed. We need to pause or something like that. So some way that you can clearly indicate that she needs a break and that the conversation perhaps is not leading to where she wants it to lead and that George needs to stop talking. And George needs to, by contrast, to be much more aware and clearly reading Mary’s signals of interest and not interest. Because, you know, George is a raconteur. He likes telling stories. He likes sharing about himself. He likes sharing about everything. And he just kind of does overwhelm people. Knowing him as a casual acquaintance, he’s kind of the life of the party. But life is not always a party.

Gabe Howard: So, you know, like I can absolutely relate to George, you know, it’s not an accident that I’m a speaker, a podcaster, or a writer. All of these things involve being the center of attention and sharing and talking. So I really can relate to George. And that’s kind of why I brought it up, because I have a lot of Marys in my life.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Mm-hmm.

Gabe Howard: And I was completely unaware that I was overwhelming people because I just assumed that people would tell me to stop or something. I just didn’t know. So when I became older and more understanding and more socially adept, I realized that, oh, wow, people think that I’m ignoring their wishes. And that’s kind of why I want to touch on it. And obviously, I can only speak from my personal experience as being a George. But I’m sure that there’s a lot of Marys out there, that really think that they’ve been put upon or ignored by the Georges. Now that Mary understands that George did not realize he was doing it. It’s really sad when you think that somebody is ignoring your wishes.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: And as you said, her gut was telling her that George was ignoring her rather than what was actually happening, which was George misunderstood. One of the things you talk about in your book is developing mental fitness. And we want to overcome the dangerous judgment errors of cognitive bias because they’re wrecking our relationships. What is mental fitness?

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Mental fitness is the same thing as physical fitness. So we talked a little bit earlier about our ability to restrain ourselves from eating that dozen donuts, because then otherwise you’re really in trouble at this point in the world. You needed to develop a good approach to a healthy diet in order to address this. So you had to have physical fitness. Part of physical fitness is having a good diet. And it takes so much effort to have a good diet in this modern world because it doesn’t pay our capitalist society, all of these companies, for you to have a good diet, It pays them much better for you to eat all the sugar and processed food, which is exactly what caused you to have bad diet, obesity, various diabetes, heart disease, all those sorts of problems. The society is set against you. The capitalist marketplace is set against your having a healthy diet overall, and you have to work really hard to have a good diet. So that’s the part of physical fitness. Another part of physical fitness is, of course, is working out. Not sitting on your couch and watching Netflix all day, no matter how much Netflix might want you to do that.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: That is not a good way of having exercise, which is another important part of physical fitness. You need to put on your sweats and go to the gym. And, you know, right now, maybe in the coronavirus, get some form exercise machine and exercise at home. That is hard to do. Think about how hard it is to have physical fitness, to do the healthy diet and healthy exercises. It’s just as hard and just as important to have mental fitness. Now, in this current modern world where we’re spending more time at home because of the coronavirus, working more with our mind than with our body, it’s even more important to have mental fitness. Meaning working out your mind, not being primitive, not being savage, but figuring out what are the dangerous judgment errors? What are the cognitive biases, the mental blind spots to which you as an individual are most prone to? And you need to work on addressing them. That is what mental fitness is about. You need to figure out where you’re screwing up in your relationships because of these mental blind spots and the kind of effective mental habits that can help you address this.

Gabe Howard: All right, Dr. Tsipursky, you’ve convinced me. What are some helpful suggestions to get us there?

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: So the mental habits, there are 12 mental habits that I describe in the book. So first, identify and make a plan to address all of these dangerous judgment errors. Two, be able to delay all of your decision making in your relationships, because it’s very tempting for us to immediately respond to an e-mail from someone with whom we’re in a relationship that caused us to be triggered. Instead, it might be much better for us to take some time and actually think about that response. Mindfulness meditation is actually very helpful for us to build up focus and focus is what’s necessary for us to delay our responses and to manage our response effectively. Then probabilistic thinking. It’s very tempting for us in relationships to think in black and white terms, good or bad, you know, something nice or not nice. Instead, we need to think much more in shades of gray and evaluate various scenarios and probabilities. Five, make predictions about the future. If you aren’t able to make predictions about the future, about what or how the other person will respond to things you do in the relationship, then you will not have a very good mental model of that person. And of course, that will hurt your relationship. So you can calibrate yourself and improve your ability to understand the other person by making predictions of how they will behave. Next, consider alternative explanations and options. It’s very tempting for us to blame the other person, have negative feelings, thoughts about the other person, just like Mary had negative thoughts about George’s behavior and George had negative thoughts about Mary’s behavior.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: None of them thought about the alternative explanations and options. You know, Mary didn’t think that George might have been misunderstanding her, missing the signals, instead of ignoring the signals. And the same thing with George about Mary. Consider your past experiences. There’s a reason a lot of people tend to get into the same kinds of bad relationships in the future as they did in the past. They don’t analyze the mistakes they made in the past and they don’t correct them. Consider a long term future when repeating scenarios. A lot of people get into a relationship just because of lust. They have this kind of desire for a dozen donuts and they don’t think about the long term consequences of getting into the relationship and the kind of situation, if this will be a series of repeating scenarios. Is this the kind of relationships that they want to have? Consider other people’s perspectives. That’s number nine. That’s very hard for us to do. It’s very easy to miss. We just think about ourselves and what we want to do and we don’t think about other people and what their aspirations are. Next, use an outside view to get an external perspective. Talk to other people, other people in your life who are trusted and objective advisors. George shouldn’t just talk to people who will say, yeah, you’re absolutely right, Mary is a jerk and vice versa. You should think about other people who would be trusted and objective, who will tell you, hey, you know, George, maybe you talk a little bit too much about yourself and here’s how Mary might be thinking about this.

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: Then set a policy to guide your future self and your organization if you’re doing this as part of a business, as part of an organization. So what kind of policy do you want? If you’re George, what kind of policy do you want to have toward your dates? Maybe you want to make sure to not simply talk all this time about yourself, but make sure to early on in the date and throughout the date to ask the other person about themselves and have all of these habits, mental habits that will help you have a much more effective relationship. And finally make a pre-commitment. So that was the internal policy, this is the external policy. You want to make a commitment to achieve a goal that you want. So a common pre-commitment is let’s say you want to lose weight. You can tell your friends, people, and your romantic partners, whatever, that you want to lose weight and ask them to help you avoid eating the dozen donuts. So that they can tell you, hey, you know, maybe you shouldn’t be ordering two desserts when you’re out at a restaurant. One will do. So that pre-commitment will help your friends help you. So those 12 mental habits, those are the specific mental habits you can develop to develop mental fitness. Just like you develop certain habits to have good diet and good exercise, you need to have these 12 habits to develop good mental fitness to work out your mind.

Gabe Howard: Dr. Tsipursky, first, I really appreciate having you here. Where can our listeners find you and where can they find your book?

Dr. Gleb Tsipursky: The Blindspots Between Us is available in bookstores everywhere. It’s published by a great traditional publisher called New Harbinger, one of the best psychology publishers out there. You can find out more about my work at DisasterAvoidanceExperts.com, DisasterAvoidanceExperts.com, where I help people address cognitive biases, these mental blind spots in professional settings, in their relationships and other areas. Also, you might especially want to check out DisasterAvoidanceExperts.com/subscribe for an eight video based module course on how to make the wisest decisions in your relationships and other life areas. And finally, I’m pretty active on LinkedIn. Happy to answer questions. Dr. Gleb Tsipursky on LinkedIn. G L E B T S I P U R S K Y.

Gabe Howard: Thank you, Dr. Tispursky. And listen up, everybody. Here’s what we need from you. If you like the show, please rate, subscribe, and review. Use your words and tell people why you like it. Share us on social media and once again, in the little description, don’t just tell people that you listen to the show. Tell them why you listen to this show. Remember, we have our own Facebook group at PsychCentral.com/FBShow. That will take you right there. And you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling anytime, anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. And we will see everybody next week.

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ABA Parent Training Goals: 10 Effective Skills to Incorporate into ABA Parent Training

Clarifying ABA Parent Training Goals ABA parent training is complex. There is an endless amount of goals that could be worked on within the context of ABA parent training. There...

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Stopping the Cycle of Trauma: Parents Need Help for Trauma Too

When it comes to helping children cope with adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) we need to get one thing straight: We cannot help children heal from trauma if we are not equally putting effort towards the mental health of parents and caregivers. In my opinion, the focus is heavily on helping children cope with trauma, which is absolutely necessary, but we are often missing the fact that parents also need treatment and support due to a history of trauma in their life. I know that we are moving in this direction, but with the discovery of trauma being passed down from generation to generation the conversation is more pertinent than ever.

I use the phrase “bottom-up” because the parent is the foundation and roots of the child’s life. A parent’s role is to be a grounding force as children face the challenges and stressors in their young lives. Children need to feel safe and stable in order to thrive. In addition, the parent’s trauma typically happens first and can make a deep and lasting negative impact on the child’s well-being.

First, let’s uncover what transgenerational trauma is. Transgenerational trauma is a form of trauma that is passed down from generation to generation through behaviors, beliefs, and potentially biology. Yes, biology. There is circumstantial evidence that suggests trauma can be passed to our offspring genetically. If this is the case, how can we continue to ignore the impact of trauma on everyone’s future, including those who did not directly experience it? Types of trauma that are especially prone to transmission to future generations are:

Extreme poverty
Racism
Abuse and neglect
Witnessing violence
Sudden death of a loved one
Military experiences
Terrorism
Ambiguous loss

The good news is that, although trauma can be passed down, emotional resiliency can also be passed down to our offspring. That’s why a bottom-up approach is crucial to stop the cycle of trauma taking place in our world today.

Overcoming trauma does not happen in a vacuum. Even if progress is made in the counselor’s office, a child’s progress will unravel, when they return to the dysfunction taking place in the home. We need to look at trauma not as one event that takes place, but as a constellation of events that invade one’s mental health and their ability to cope with everyday stressors, like parenting. When a parent/caregiver is living with unprocessed trauma, raising a child can trigger memories of abuse and neglect that interfere with their ability to regulate their emotions. These triggers make it difficult to make healthy parenting decisions in the heat of the moment.

As professionals we will ask ourselves how to reach the parent with trauma, and it starts with building trust. At the root of trauma is a foundational breach of safety and trust. By shifting our perspective to look at the caregiver as someone who is not broken, but coping the best they can with unprocessed trauma, we will be able to make connections that might not be possible otherwise. We will not be able to reach all caregivers, but if we are able to meet a fraction of them where they are and truly care for them, we will be making a massive residual improvement on the lives of children and the world at large.

As a therapist who worked closely with the child welfare system, I witnessed countless children struggling with trauma and loss who were unable to access treatment. As a current volunteer advocating for children in the foster care system, I have a young child on my caseload who is not receiving treatment for the trauma and neglect she experienced because “she seems ok.” This is not due to a lack of concern, but because of inadequate mental health resources for children in the child welfare system.

So what does transgenerational trauma look like? This is an example from my perspective as a family therapist: A person with untreated mental health challenges and or a history of trauma chooses to self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, or sex out of sheer desperation and a lack of coping skills. This person has children. These children are exposed to trauma, abuse, and neglect by their parents typically in relation to addiction. Out of a need for safety, the child is removed and placed in foster or kinship care. The child doesn’t receive the necessary mental health treatment due to a lack of resources. This child seems “ok” while young, but as they reach adolescence, they begin to exhibit symptoms of complex PTSD, anxiety, and depression.

Meanwhile, untreated mom and dad continue to have children who end up in the care of others. The child/teen of untreated parents begins to self-medicate with drugs and alcohol to cope with the trauma they experienced and the cycle repeats. This is how trauma is passed down from generation to generation. There is also evidence arising in research that trauma can be passed down to children through their DNA, but more studies are needed in this area to confirm.

So how do we interrupt the cycle? It’s not a simple answer, but it starts with building awareness. It begins with conversations and relationships. It begins with ending the stigma of mental health care. It begins with making treatment mandatory for children in the foster care system. It’s using a wide-angle lens on the child’s trauma as an extension of their parent’s trauma.

We are only now becoming aware of how adverse childhood experiences (ACE’s) impact the health and wellness of our society as a whole, but this is no excuse. Now that we know better, we need to do better.

The Bottom-up Approach for Stopping Transgenerational Trauma

Trauma therapy for the child needs to happen in tandem with the adult caregiver. Isolated trauma therapy for a child will not succeed when the caregiver is not part of the therapy process. This includes biological parents, foster parents, and relatives caring for children.
Any child in foster care or kinship care has experienced trauma, often complex trauma, and is at risk for serious mental health issues. They need and deserve treatment regardless of their “ok” status at 2, 8, and 12 years old.
Screen for trauma first! In many cases with children in care, it’s not oppositional defiant disorder (ODD), ADHD, or ADD; it’s trauma. Look underneath the behavior, and you will find the cause is often a history of untreated trauma. The child may appear to have ADD/ODD because their nervous system is on high alert for danger, making it difficult for them to sit still, regulate emotions, and concentrate. We need to stop automatically pathologizing the behavior of a child and medicating them without screening for trauma first.
If a child’s caregiver or parents have a history of unresolved trauma, they need access to personal counseling or parenting coaching so they are not triggered by their past while parenting. A parent who is emotionally unregulated will not be an effective parent for a child who is trying to learn emotional regulation skills. Co-regulation is a process that takes place at birth between child and caregiver, and it is crucial for healthy emotional development. If a parent is unable to regulate their nervous system, the child will not learn how to regulate their nervous system.
Trauma doesn’t destroy the person, it destroys their trust. Heal trust; heal trauma.
Empower the parent by caring about their mental health and providing education on trauma-responsive parenting skills.

We can prevent the transmission of transgenerational trauma by intervening early and often with parents and children at risk. I know we can do better for the well-being of our communities. I know we can do better for the safety of children. I know we can do better to stop the unnecessary cycle of trauma. I have hope, and hope is where change begins. I ask you to join me.

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I’m Interested, He’s not

From a woman in Australia: My love interest asked me to leave him alone and stop pursuing him, even though i know he is interested. I met this man through mutual friends. We had lunch together a few months ago where he told me he is having a mental breakdown and has PTSD. He had been withdrawing for months and was concerned about his relationship with his friends. Months later I find out he also has bipolar disorder.

After our lunch, I try to organize another get together, but he seemed to lose interest and stopped responding to my texts all together. After a few weeks of silence, he reappears, but I was very confused as to where that left me. I would ask him for a coffee, but he would say no. At the same time, he would create the impression that he was interested.

I know he is very fearful of another relationship, but he keeps trying to reel me in, only to push me away when I get too close. A few weeks ago I decided to directly ask him what he wanted from me as things are getting nowhere, to which his response was to stop the chasing as there is nothing between us.

He tried to make it sound like it was all in my head and I was a creepy stalker type. But I am certain he was interested and was trying, but seems so fearful when I get to close. I’m not sure what to do from here. I have to respect his wishes to leave him alone, but he seems to be in a bad place again. I am concerned about his well-being, but I don’t think I can say anything to him out of respect for his request. What should I do?

What you should do is leave the man alone. Your instinct that he is “interested” may be correct. But he also knows himself well enough to know that his other issues and fears are bigger than his interest. He’s probably right about that. Give him room to figure himself out. If he does and is truly interested in you, he will get in touch. In the meantime, understand that a coffee together means only that you are spending a pleasant half hour having coffee with a friend. If you can’t do that, then do both of you a favor and decline the invitation.

You are in your 40s. I understand why it is difficult to give up on a man who interests you and who seems to be interested back. But this relationship isn’t going to go where you want it to go — at least not in the foreseeable future. Take a big step back and make the effort to find someone who is as available as you are for a deeper and more committed future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Stepping backwards enhances cognitive control.

From Koch et al., some interesting work on the role of body locomotion in the recruitment of control processes.:

In the most fundamental and literal sense, approach refers to decreasing, and avoidance to increasing, the physical distance between the self and the outside world. In our view, body locomotion most purely taps into this fundamental nature of approach and avoidance. In everyday life, individuals typically approach desired stimuli by stepping forward and avoid aversive stimuli by stepping backward

...The idea that body locomotion may trigger approach and avoidance orientations has, so far, not been tested...we expected that stepping backward would increase the recruitment of cognitive control relative to stepping forward. To test this prediction, we gauged cognitive functioning by means of a Stroop task immediately after a participant stepped in one direction. The Stroop task requires naming the color in which stimulus words are printed while ignoring their semantic meaning, which is actually processed more automatically than the color. Cognitive control is required to override the tendency to respond to the semantic meaning and instead respond to the color.

...our study showed that stepping backward significantly enhanced cognitive performance compared to stepping forward or sideways. Considering the effect size, backward locomotion appears to be a very powerful trigger to mobilize cognitive resources. Thus, whenever you encounter a difficult situation, stepping backward may boost your capability to deal with it effectively.

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