Thursday 31 January 2019

I Don’t Want to Be Alive But I Don’t Want to Die

It’s so weird. I don’t see anything exciting about living anymore. I feel like something is missing? I just can’t get excited over anything anymore. Someone wants to pay me 20 dollars for a bad drawing? Great. I’m actually doing well in school? Fantastic. I have a whole weekend to do whatever I want? Awesome.

I usually enjoy the little things in life. Now I can’t even enjoy my hobbies. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Scarily enough I wouldn’t mind dying as long as it is quick and painless. Hell, I wouldn’t mind going through torturous pain. But at the same time, it’s not like I’d like to die. It’s just that I don’t want to be alive, you know? There’s a difference. Well, at least to me there is. It’s like, I’m not going to attempt suicide or anything, but if I were to die for whatever reason, that’s completely cool with me. Which is completely off because I’m scared of dying? (From Indonesia)

The question each human being has to answer is, what makes life worth living? The answer usually changes over time and begins in our teen years. It sounds to me as if this is the first time you’ve had the challenge of trying to answer what it is that brings joy, excitement, and awe into your life.

From your email, it is clear it is clear you are creative and articulate. My encouragements is to start experimenting with classes and activities that you find interesting. You haven’t been exposed to the thing(s) that may be most engaging for you yet. Sampling different activities with different people may awaken you to possibilities that you didn’t know existed.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral



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I Feel Disgusted around My Mom 

From a young woman in the U.S.: I feel disgusted when I’m around my mom.  I can’t stand be close with her, I don’t feel “safe” around her, I feel like she’s strange person. I don’t want to talk with her, I don’t want to her touch me or anything like that. So basically I just want be far from her.

But most important thing I don’t hate my mom, she’s a pretty normal person, she’s never been mean to me, she’s never done a single bad thing to me. I actually kinda love her and I want to she being proud of me and just know that I’m okay, I want to talk with her but only by calls or something.

And this weird because I have no reason to behave like me. But there’s another issues. One bad thing I can say is that my mom don’t want to self-develop, she don’t have any plans and goals and that’s make me sad and feel ashamed of my mom, I want to her be successful. I don’;t call her “mom”I never say “I love you” so we don’t have ordinary parent-kid realtionship.

I also all my childhood hated all caressing when someone said something like you’re sweet” I immediately start saying like “no no, leave me alone, I hate this tenderness and shit” In childhood I also didn’t like hugs, kisses, etc. I’ve always been closed in my emotions with my parents since my early ages. Also I all my life been shy and now I have social anxiety. What’s wrong with me? I feel like totally mentally ill freak.

Without talking to you further, of course, I can’t offer a definitive answer. If you were in therapy with me, something I would explore with you is tactile sensitivity. It’s possible that you were tactile defensive as a child and still are as an adult. Not having a way to explain your uncomfortable feelings, you’ve come up with some “reasons” to keep your distance from your mother. Developing social anxiety helps you maintain that distance from other people as well. Take a look at some of the websites that explain tactile defensiveness and see if it fits.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie



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How to Build a Winning Team For Your Organization

psychometric testing

If you want to build a successful team for your project or company, you need to hire the right people for the right jobs. But how can you find out who the best person is for a particular assignment? One of the most effective ways is by using psychometric tests.

Psychometric tests use the scientific method to evaluate a person’s behavior and mental abilities. They are designed to assess how suitable an individual is for a specific role based on the aptitude and personality. Mercer | Mettl is an innovative company that is spearheading the use of psychometric assessments in the corporate world. Kindly consider the information provided below to see how Mercer | Mettl can help a company that is eager to hire a data scientist, data analyst, and big data hadoop developer.

The Mercer | Mettl approach:

Data scientists are skillful professionals with knowledge of interdisciplinary fields, their processes, and systems and so are able to extract knowledge and insights from structured or unstructured data. For statistical computing and data analysis, we use a powerful language called R. The addition of powerful packages in R have made it more potent over time.

Scope of the Data Scientist Assessment test

You can use this data science test to assess the proficiency of the candidate in the following areas:

  • R programming
  • Data science based R libraries
  • Hands-on R programming skills for Data Analysis

Do you wish to customize your test?

Are you looking for a customized version of this test? Or, do you wish to build a new test right from scratch? Get in touch with our team and they will help you out with this.

About this test

The duration of this test is 60 minutes. It aims to check the candidate’s knowledge and application skills, his or her analytical skills and knowledge of concepts. It has 20 questions grouped into four sections as given below:

  • R Programming – 6 MCA/MCQ questions
  • R libraries – 12 MCA/MCQ questions
  • Analytical skills in R – 2 hands-on programming questions

It is recommended that the candidate has at least 1-3 years’ experience in R. The difficulty level is Moderate.

Benefits of using this test

Mettl’s Data Scientist Assessment helps check the skill level of your candidate. You can use this test as a benchmark to evaluate how well programmers from around the world would suit your firm.

Positions suited for this test:

  • Data Engineer
  • Data Scientist
  • Business Analyst
  • Data Analyst
  • Statistician
  • Machine Learning Engineer

FAQ

  1. Can I get benchmark scores for the candidates who take this assessment for hiring decisions

A. This is possible on a selective basis. Please get in touch with our team for more information.

2. Can I get customized reports for the candidates who take this assessment?

A. It has been done before for clients and so we will do it for you. Please get in touch with our team and they will help you.

 

Method

Step 1 Mettl-PBT-1

Add this test to your tests list.

 

Step 2 Mettl-PBT-2

Share test link with the candidate

 

Step 3 Mettl-PBT-3

Candidate takes the tests.

 

Step 4 Mettl-PBT-4

You get their tests report.

Note: You will be charged only after Step 3.

 

Related Tests 1

Hire a Data Analyst with proficiency in R

By making quantitative analyses, a data analyst translates data into actionable insights. It provides decision-making support at key junctures in a project. If a data analyst is well-versed in R, he or she will have skills in visualization methods. They will be able to visualize and extract the needed data.

Scope of this test

You can use this test to measure the skill level of the candidate in the following:

  • R programming
  • R libraries used in data science applications
  • MS SQL Server Concepts
  • MS SQL Database Query Writing Skills
  • Hands-on programming skills in R.

Do you want to customize this test?

If you look for a means to customize this test, check with our team. They will help you out and also help you build your own test from scratch.

About this test

The duration of this test is 60 minutes. It aims to check your candidate in application and analytic skills. Your candidate will need to have enough knowledge of the concepts for doing data analysis using R. This test will have 20 questions divided into 5 sections as given below:

  • Basics of SQL Server – 5 MCA/MCQ questions
  • R Programming – 4 MCA/MCQ questions
  • R libraries – 9 MCA/MCQ questions
  • Data Query writing skills in MS SQL – 1 database Query writing question
  • Data analysis skill in R – 1 hands-on programming question

It is recommended that the candidate has 1-3 years’ experience. The difficulty level is Moderate.

Benefits of using this test

Mettl’s Data Analyst with proficiency in R assessment will help you check your candidate for skill levels in R. It should be between that of a good beginner and an intermediate level data analyst. We can benchmark this test to suit specific job roles you need for your organization. This helps you target candidates from a wide global group.

Best suited job profiles for this test:

  • Database Analyst
  • Big Data Analyst (using R programming)

FAQ

Can we use our internal sample set to benchmark candidates?

A. This is possible. Get in touch with us and we can work out the details.

Can we include specific analyses and customize the report?

A. It is possible and we have done so in the past on a client-to-client basis. Please get in touch with us and we can work out a solution.

Related Tests 2

Online Big Data Hadoop Test – Hire The Best Big Data Hadoop Developers For Your Organization

Hadoop is an open source distributed framework to manage data processing and storage. It is used for Big Data applications running in clustered systems. The Big Data Hadoop Developer will need to create and implement, maintain and assure performance of different forms of structured and unstructured data. It gives users the flexibility for collecting, processing, and analyzing data using Hadoop. A competent Big Data Hadoop Developer will have a thorough knowledge of the concepts of Hadoop. He will have skills for working with various tools of Hadoop like PIG, SQOOP, HIVE, and so on. Also, he or she will have hands-on experience working with SQL.

Do you want to customize your test?

If you are looking for a way to customize your test, write to us. Or, you could also make your own test from scratch. Get in touch with our team and we will provide the guidance you need.

Use this test to check skill level of your candidate in the following:

  • Proficiency in Concepts of Hadoop like HDFS, MapReduceetc
  • Basics of SQL Server
  • Knowledge of PIG and SQOOP
  • MS SQL Database Query Writing skills
  • Expertise in HIVE

About this test

This test lasts for 60 minutes. It checks the level of skill in the candidate including analytic skills, knowledge, concepts, and application in Hadoop. The test has 20 questions grouped into four sections as follows:

  • SQL Server – 4 MCA/MCQ questions
  • Concepts and architecture of Hadoop – 4 MCA/MCQ questions
  • Understanding of Hadoop tools – 11 MCA/MCQ questions
  • Database query writing skill in MS SQL – 1 hands-on coding problem

It is recommended that the candidate has 1-4 years’ experience, the difficulty level is Moderate.

Best fitting Job profiles suited to this test:

  • Hadoop Developer with MS SQL
  • Big Data Hadoop Engineer

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8 Ways to Let Go of Mistakes

No one likes to mess up. But for those of us with a mix of obsessive-compulsive disorder and perfectionism, we can become debilitated by the guilt and regret following a blunder. Our brains are stuck on the stupidity of our actions, rehashing the events as if doing so will change what happened.

How do you break free this painful loop of regret? After reading through a dozen self-help books on this topic and talking with people who have learned how to get beyond their errors, I compiled these eight strategies.

1. Forgive yourself for what you didn’t know.

Maya Angelou once wrote, “Forgive yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know before you learned it.” So often we view a mistake through the lens of our knowledge today and bash ourselves for making decisions based on that insight. However, we didn’t know what we didn’t know. We made the decision or acted the way we did with the facts that we had at the time. Just as we can’t expect a second-grader to perform perfectly on a high school calculus test, we need to give ourselves a break for doing the best given the facts and knowledge we had.

2. Trust your instincts.

Repeat this as a mantra when you get caught in the self-doubt loop: Whatever happened was the right thing because that is what happened. Instead of playing out a number of better scenarios in your mind, try to trust the instincts with which you made the decision.

Also keep in mind that it’s easy to confuse regret with the anxiety that is part of change, especially if your “mistake” involved a major life transition. Our brains have a negativity bias, often focusing on panic more than peace. Continuing with the status-quo is always more comfortable, so it makes sense that you are second-guessing a harder path. However, with a little time, the wisdom of your decision will become more apparent. The challenge is to stop second-guessing yourself until you can see the situation with more clarity.

3. Be kind to yourself.

In her book Self-Compassion, Kristin Neff, PhD, writes “If our pain is caused by a misstep we have made – this is precisely the time to give ourselves compassion. Rather than relentlessly cutting ourselves down when we fall, even if our fall is a spectacular one, we do have another option. We can recognize that everyone has times when they blow I, and treat ourselves kindly.”

She goes on to say that this involves more than stopping self-judgment. We have to actively comfort ourselves, just as we would a friend. She recommends hugging yourself or journaling. I find it helpful to write a letter to my inner child, reassuring her that she is loved despite her slip-ups, that she is beautiful in her imperfections.

4. Concentrate on the rebound, not the fall.

It’s not about how hard you fall; it’s about how gracefully you get up. Success isn’t about not making mistakes, it’s about the rebound. “Anyone can give up,” said black-belt martial artist and Chris Bradford, “it is the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone would expect you to fall apart, now that is true strength.” So remove the tail between your legs. It serves no purpose.

You can be bold with your mistakes, if you are bold with your recovery. Because what matters in the end is the integrity and poise with which you handled failure. That’s the enduring message you send. Take a cue from Thomas Edison who said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

5. Celebrate your cracks.

There is a valuable lesson in Kintsugi, the Japanese art of fixing broken pottery with gold. By accentuating the fractures in a piece as opposed to covering them up, the pottery becomes even more valuable than its flawless original. The practice is related to the Japanese aesthetic wabi-sabi, celebrating beauty that is “imperfect, impermanent, and incomplete.” Our mistakes are the refiner’s fire that sharpen the parts of us that would otherwise remain dull. They allow us to become more interesting, sensitive, compassionate, and wise human being.

6. Focus on your mistakes.

In her book Better By Mistake, Alina Tugend provides science to back up her claim that the best way to become an expert in your field is to focus on your mistakes. Among her case studies was the success of Bill Robertie, a world-class backgammon, chess, and poker player. After each chess match, he analyzes all of his moves, dissecting his errors to better inform the next round. This is a good practice for all of life’s moves. While it’s painful to revisit our errors, they contain valuable lessons that we can apply to different areas of our lives. Within the humiliations are heard-earned pearls of truth and wisdom. Henry Ford once said, “The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.”

7. Find the silver lining.

Oprah Winfrey told the 2013 graduating class of Harvard University that, “There is no such thing as failure – failure is just life trying to move us in another direction.” For Oprah, getting fired as an evening co-anchor for a Baltimore news station led her to her life’s calling as a morning talk show host. Steve Jobs, Walt Disney, and Dr. Suess have similar false-start stories that changed the course of their lives and elevated them to new heights.

The silver lining is not always obvious in the days or months after a blunder. However, if we pay attention, we can sometimes see the universe’s hand in directing us where we need to go.

8. Continue to take risks.

If you’ve ever been in a major car accident, you know how difficult it is to trust the road again. However, getting behind the wheel once more is the only way to move past the trauma.

After a mistake, it’s tempting to play it safe, to not put yourself out there again. But that only keeps you stuck in regret. To move forward is to continue to take risks. Tugend told me in an interview, “We need to constantly remind ourselves that every time we take a risk, move out of our comfort zone and try something new, we’re opening ourselves up to potentially making more mistakes. The greater the risks and challenges we take on, the greater the likelihood that we’ll mess up somewhere along the way — but also the greater the likelihood that we’ll discover something new and get the deep satisfaction that comes from accomplishment.”

Forgive yourself for lessons not learned. Trust your instincts. Find the silver lining. Learn from your mistakes. And most importantly, don’t ever stop being bold.



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Podcast: How to Change Your Psychological Identity


We all know that addiction, severe depression, and other conditions change our personality. What few know, however, is just how deeply ingrained that change can be, and how difficult (and scary) it can be to try to become “ourselves” again. In this episode, we examine such changes through the experiences of our guest, who overcame depression and addiction, and now helps others do the same.

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About Our Guest

David Essel, MS, OM, is a number one best-selling author (10), counselor, master life coach, international speaker and minister whose mission is to positively affect 2 million people or more every day, in every area of life, regardless of their current circumstances.

His latest #1 best seller, FOCUS! SLAY YOUR GOALS…THE PROVEN GUIDE TO HUGE SUCCESS, A POWERFUL ATTITUDE AND PROFOUND LOVE, was selected by the influential blog “FUPPING” as one of the top 25 books that will make you a better person!

David’s work of 38 years is also highly endorsed by the late Wayne Dyer, “Chicken Soup for the Soul” author Mark Victor Hansen, as well as many other celebrities and radio and television networks from around the world.

He is verified through Psychology Today as one of the top counselors and life coaches in the USA, and is verified  through Marriage.com as one of the top relationship counselors and coaches in the world.

David accepts new clients every week into his 1-on-1 programs from around the world at www.davidessel.com

 

PSYCHOLOGICAL IDENTITY SHOW TRANSCRIPT

Editor’s NotePlease be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Narrator 1: Welcome to the Psych Central show, where each episode presents an in-depth look at issues from the field of psychology and mental health –  with host Gabe Howard and co-host Vincent M. Wales.

Gabe Howard: Hello everyone and welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Show podcast. My name is Gabe Howard and with me as always is Vincent M. Wales. And today Vince and I will be talking with David Essel. David is a number one best selling author, counselor, master life coach, international speaker and minister whose mission it is to positively affect 2 million people or more every day in every area of life, regardless of their current circumstances. David, welcome to the show.

David Essel: Oh gosh, it’s great to be with you, Gabe and Vince. Looking forward to our conversation today.

Gabe Howard: This is wonderful. And just to clarify real quick before we get going… Two million people every day.

David Essel: You know, we don’t believe in tiny goals, do we?

Gabe Howard: No we don’t. Thank you so much for being here.

Vincent M. Wales: That’s a lot of people. So let me ask you… you know there are an awful lot of people out there who do similar things to what you do. And you’ve been helping people for what 30 years? Something like that? That’s that’s a long time. What makes your story about your healing different from the others?

David Essel: The reason in the world of personal growth and mental health addiction recovery and more… the reason why there are 700 million authors, basically, in this industry is the same reason why there’s so many authors in the auto repair industry, and you know personal growth industry in general is massive, but people need to hear different voices and I may be saying the same thing the late Wayne Dyer said and people, X percentage of people would grab Wayne’s words and change their lives and then there’s other people that may not connect and Wayne and I were very good friends when he was alive. And then there are people that may not quite connect with him but they might connect with the way that I talk or the way that I write or the videos we do, so I don’t know if it’s as much “What’s the big difference?” as we need to have different voices out there with different experiences. I know one of the advantages in the world of mental health that I have is that in my background I came from extreme alcoholism and cocaine addiction for years, which was caused or the underlying cause of many addictions is depression and an inability to deal with emotions in life. I went through a severe clinical depression, suicidal, to the point where that I had to get extreme medical care and you know all these things, guys, happened while I’m doing the same work I’m doing today. So not only is my energy different than a lot of other people that do the same work, the words I use might be a little different, but unlike some people that write about these topics that we’re going to talk about that have not experienced extreme mental illness or challenges or anything else, addiction, that I’ve gone through, I think that’s one of the advantages that I bring, too. Because I’ve been on those sides of the fence that are very daunting, extremely scary, and have come back and I think that’s an advantage that our work has that some other people may not be able to go that deep or as deep as we go because they’ve never personally experienced these things,which I don’t wish on anyone, but the end result is is that the empathy and compassion that I can have for people in the world struggling with mental health or addiction is is incredible because I was there. I’m very grateful for the work that I’ve done to remove myself from some of these challenges and also extremely interested in helping as many other people as we can work their way through this stuff.

Vincent M. Wales: Fantastic.

Gabe Howard: When we’re doing research for the show, one of the things that came up a few times that I thought was interesting is that you said it’s scary at first to heal from depression. And I wanted to know what you meant by that. Can you explain that a little more?

David Essel: Well you know when we have some type of a mental health challenge like a depression, we create an identity around it and that that identity is very powerful. We… it’s scary to let go of something you’re comfortable with, even if it isn’t healthy. In other words, let’s say that, during the depression, we create an identity well when we talk to our loved ones or our family, it’s always based on how we’re not feeling that great today, how we don’t have the motivation to go to the gym, how we don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t. When you repeat those phrases either vocally to the outside world or in your head, over the course of months and years we create an identity. The identity says, this is who I am. I’m a depressed person. So to walk away from that identity and then not have people saying to you on a daily basis, Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, this is such a hard day. Or, come on, we know you can move through this or have you tried this or have you tried that? When we’re doing all these things, thinking we’re helping the depressed person, we’re actually deepening their identity. We are… the compassion and empathy that I think we should all have in the beginning turns into this thing where the depressed person actually looks and will latch on to certain individuals who will also deepen their identity as a depressed person. So when I say it’s scary. it’s like. if we’ve been in a depressed state for a number of years. we don’t know what it’s like to live with a little bit of lightness. a little bit of inner peace. a little bit of joy. and while lightness. inner peace and joy. guys, sounds like three really great things… to the depressed person, it’s like moving to Afghanistan. We don’t know what it’s like. We don’t know the terrain. We don’t know the customs. We don’t know anything other than our identity as a depressed person. So that is frightening. And it’s the same thing with the world of addiction. You know, coming from a serious addiction background, myself, I didn’t know what it was like to go out to dinner without having drinks before I left my house. I didn’t know what it was like to go to sleep at night without multiple drinks to put me to sleep. So it’s scary to walk away from an identity that you’ve held on to for years and to walk into a new life. And that depressed person, of course, at the core wants to be happy and healthy, is so comfortable in their little zone that getting outside of it can seem unbelievably threatening. And we’ve worked with some people that, once they’ve overcome, quote unquote, their depression and started to feel better, missed all of the accolades of people saying, how are you today and we hope you’re getting better and have you tried this. Some people will slip back into the old identity just to get the attention. so it can be scary. Healing on any level can be scary for people that have long term identity based on some condition.

Vincent M. Wales: We get comfortable, even if it’s something that should be uncomfortable. It’s familiar to us. So, you know, you’re right, it is hard to leave it. And that’s that’s pretty sad when you think about it.

Gabe Howard: Well especially if it’s all you’ve ever known.

Vincent M. Wales: Right.

Gabe Howard: As longtime listeners know, I thought about suicide from a very young age. In fact, I don’t remember ever not thinking about suicide and I thought that everybody did. I thought that weighing the pros and cons of life and death was just like a normal thing to do because there’s no mental health education, nobody challenged this belief in me, and then of course that’s not OK. Eventually, I went to a psychiatric hospital, was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and I learned about mental health and mental illness and and that all got fixed. So that was wonderful except, here I am at 26 years old, and for the first time ever, it occurred to me that I could die. And I didn’t want to die. So that was a scary thing. And I just became ultra paranoid about everything. So even though this led to greater potential for my future and you know now I’m 42 and everything is wonderful. You know for a couple of years, it was just really hard. My entire identity was wrapped up in this way of thinking. I knew no other way to think. And it sounds like that’s what you’re describing there.

David Essel: Oh it’s exactly. Gabe. what I’m describing. And you know it doesn’t even have to be from birth. I mean someone could hit a real challenging mental health crisis in their 20s, 30s, 60s, 70s, 80s. It doesn’t take more than about six months of something very extreme of PTSD, high anxiety, bipolar, schizophrenic disorder… It doesn’t take more than six months for the subconscious mind to create an identity that says, this is who I am. To our listeners that maybe have loved ones that struggle with depression, but they haven’t, to hear what we’re talking about, that it’s scary to not be a depressed person, doesn’t make sense. But a lot of conditions in this world – addiction and mental health disorders – don’t make sense. So if you’re listening because you have loved ones that are struggling and we’re talking about people that who are depressed, they create an identity, and they want to stay in their identity, even if it doesn’t sound logical, it’s very true. So understand that when you’re dealing with your loved ones that they may be trying to hold on at some unconscious or subconscious level to their title, to their identity as a depressed person in order just to survive, because they have nothing that they can even compare it to. And let me make this differentiation between the conscious and the subconscious mind. So the conscious mind that the mind says, you know, I’ve been feeling down, I’m always blue, I’ve lost my joy for life, nothing sounds good to eat or to drink and no activities that I used to do sound good anymore. And it’s dragging myself out of bed in the morning and so many of the symptoms of clinical depression that I just mentioned. Wen we have all those things going down and we live with ourselves on a daily basis, that subconscious mind picks up the pattern. We’ll never get out of this. Life is too hard. It’s too challenging. No one understands me. No one could possibly understand me. There is nothing that works. I’ve tried several medications, the side effects are worse than… And it’ll go on and the subconscious will grab that identity that we are a depressed person, and because we’ve rethought it so many times and talked about it so many times and gotten that validation from the outside world – I’m so sorry you’re struggling – that the subconscious then, because it’s so powerful, will hold on and fight like heck for that person to stay in that depressed identity. You know, we work with people that, in the beginning, they were on the correct medication, they were doing the correct coping mechanism skills that we gave them, we have them doing all kinds of exercises on emotion for depression. We believe in our experience in the world of depression that about 90 percent of it is caused by unexplored or submerged emotions like rage and anger, resentments, shame, guilt, like we really believe about 90 percent of depression is caused by emotions that have not been vented, that haven’t had no place to escape. So the subconscious continues to grab onto these thoughts and as that person starts to feel better, they start to see the world open up. There is a percentage that will actually try to retreat back into that depressed identity to get the validation and the feedback from the outside world that they are used to. So again, while it may not make sense to the person that’s never personally struggled with anything we’re discussing tonight, it doesn’t have to make sense to be real and hopefully some of this information that we’re sharing will make it easier for us to understand that person struggling without having to judge them or without having to placate them and keep them in that stuck identity.

Gabe Howard: We’ll be right back after these words from our sponsor.

Narrator 2: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com, secure, convenient and affordable online counselling. All counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face-to-face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counselling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Vincent M. Wales: Welcome back everyone. We’re here talking with David Essel. You’re not the first that I’ve heard talk about depression being caused by unexpressed emotions, specifically anger is what I’ve heard in the past, so I’ve always found that pretty interesting. I never considered myself an angry person. It takes a lot to get me angry, as Gabe can attest. But when I when I stopped to think about it, I did have a lot of repressed anger, just unexpressed, and that I just would fight down and everything. And it often was that way because there was no target. It was just general, you know, free floating kind of anger with nothing to aim it at. So that was an interesting thing. So you talked a lot about the subconscious versus the conscious mind here, and of course, a lot of us have always heard things like well, you know, subconsciously, yada yada yada. We’re responsible for this and this is what’s causing that. The subconscious, in other words, just sounds like a negative thing but is there a positive aspect to it?

David Essel: Oh gosh, Vince, that’s that’s a great question. And you know, we believe in life that whole concept of yin yang is is absolute perfection. There is an opposite to everything. So if the subconscious that we’re talking about tonight from a negative point of view, keeping us stuck in an identity as a depressed person, then it must also be, there must also be a powerful side of the subconscious. And and there is. Thank God. Because the subconscious works on patterns, whatever you feed it or whatever you’re around listening to or whatever you’re watching or the people you’re hanging out with, they’re all sending messages to the subconscious constantly about someone’s right, someone’s wrong, conspiracy theories, you know, your weight gain is genetics and all this other kind of stuff. When a depressed person can break the chains of an identity based on being depressed and they can start to heal, if they’ll stay with the daily exercises and the possible medication that they may be on that they can stay with the program long enough, they can turn that subconscious mind from battling to hold onto an identity that I am a depressed person or I am a suicidal person. We can actually turn that around, guys, that you can use the subconscious as your greatest ally in the world. Now when I say subconscious, I want to make something else clear, too. We look at subconscious responses and a term that we always use is a subconscious response is a knee jerk reaction. That’s the easiest way to describe it. So someone is talking to you about your mental illness and they say, hey you know I just read the story about this person in some other city that used this new therapy and it was incredible. Now, to most people who are struggling with depression, the immediate response is, well it might work for them, it would never work for me, I’ve tried everything. That happens so fast that it’s not a conscious decision to reply like that to this person. It’s a knee jerk reaction. It’s a defense mechanism, and it happens instantaneously without us even thinking about it. Now the cool thing is, and I’ll sort of jump tracks here over to the world of addiction, for twenty-five plus years, I knew myself as a raging alcoholic, but I was in denial, so I didn’t call myself a raging alcoholic… a cocaine addict, and I was in denial with that, too. For twenty-five plus years, my identity was all about addiction, but I didn’t use the word addiction on myself. I said, this is the way I relax. This is what successful men do. So I created a subconscious identity to protect my addiction so I never had to end it. Now when I ended it, guys, there were three parts of my recovery that were the scariest… It was like living a nightmare. The first was going to a treatment center and knowing that, as of noon when I checked in, I would not have access to any alcohol or drugs. And it scared the hell out of me. The next time I was extremely afraid was the day that I came home, thirty-two days later. And now I was free. I had the freedom. I could go to the store. I could go to my local dealer. I could do whatever I wanted to and that was outrageously scary. And then the third scariest time was basically the next year. When I was changing my identity. I wasn’t drinking. I was doing really heavy duty emotional work with several counselors. But I was still afraid to go to dinners or to go anywhere… I was based in fear. And over time and a lot of work – and that was a number of years ago – the fear totally was gone. The subconscious mind we turned around to be an ally where I am a completely recovered person. We don’t even talk about the word addiction, anymore. I don’t believe that I’m a “recovering” alcoholic. I believe I have fully recovered, which is a pretty strong statement, but we can back it with tons of information, if needed. But the subconscious, now, I go to parties, I go out to dinner, I’ll go to funerals, I’ll go to weddings, I’ll officiate weddings and funerals, and where in the past, it was just really normal for me to look for a glass of wine or someone to offer it right away, now the subconscious has turned around so much, guys, that there’s not even an interest. When the last great depression hit, in 2006, 2007, and I was sober back then, I lost everything. And I over-bet on the real estate industry, I had everything on the real estate industry, and I lost my shirt, as they say. In that time of going through those years, of accumulating all of this wealth and losing it in a matter of a year, completely losing everything… It would have been a great opportunity, if the subconscious hadn’t been so wholly turned around, for me to drink or to do cocaine or do something to get out of the pain. But when you learn the correct coping mechanisms, and the subconscious is turned around, the thought of having a drink never even enters your mind. And that’s the beauty of the subconscious, is that if you’re willing to do the work – which about 90 percent of people in this world (now listen to this) are not willing to do – you can go ahead and take wherever you are with your addictions, with your challenges and with the correct help, and in some cases, as you guys know, the correct medication – which can be really hard to get that correct dosage  and the correct medication – but if you’re willing to do the work, we can heal so deeply and turn that subconscious mind that used to have an identity as a depressed person or I can’t do this because I have this other mental health issue or I have an addiction… we can turn that around and find out what freedom truly feels like.

Gabe Howard: I think I understand what you’re saying because, for example, when I work with doctors, social workers, psychologists, people that work with people with, you know, severe and persistent mental illness, you know, bipolar, schizophrenia, major depression… I always ask them what are their goals for their patients. And, oftentimes I get pretty stereotypical answers. They want them to be med compliant, they want them to stop pushing back in therapy, they want them to be on time, they want them to not complain about the wait of the waiting room, they want them to pay the bills on time. You know, a lot of stuff like that, that is all very good things. I mean, I understand why they want them to, you know, take their medicine as prescribed and be on time and not cause a problem in the waiting room, but I pointed out that there’s a disconnect there because their patient’s goal is to go to Hawaii. Their patient’s goal was to get married, is to have a job. They’re not going to see you to be compliant with the treatment that you prescribe. They want the treatment so they can get on with the rest of their life. And it seems like what you’re saying is if the doctors sort of subconsciously believe that the goal is to be compliant, they’re going to subconsciously push that compliance onto their patients. That’s going to make their patients unhappy because they don’t feel that their medical staff understands that their goal isn’t to be compliant. Their goal is to go to Hawaii. And the doctors don’t realize they’re doing this, the medical staff, they don’t realize they’re doing it, they’re not bad people. So yeah, if your knee jerk reaction every time something bad happens is to drink, that is in fact problematic… or however it fits into, you know, anxiety, depression, etc.

David Essel: Yeah. Interesting comment that you just made, too, Gabe, about, you know, do we as professionals, do we understand what someone’s going through? And again I’ll say it’s probably one of the edges that counselors, therapists, psychiatrists who have struggled themselves have. A number of years ago, I started working with a young schizophrenic man, and I still work with them to this day. And when… you know, our traditional sessions for 18 and up is an hour, 17 and lower is a 30 minute session. So, you know, he was they were really struggling with finding the right medication. He would be in the session with me but not there present for about 80 percent of the session. He would be drifting off and, you know, the voices were coming and thoughts were coming and he couldn’t stay… he couldn’t concentrate, just could not concentrate. So I said to his parents one time, I said, hey listen, I love your son, by the way. I’ve worked with him. We do great work together. But I want to make a recommendation, and this is going against all protocol that we’ve been trained with, but I want to do 15 minute sessions. That’s it. I can see that this is a strain on him. I can see that this isn’t what he wants. Now, he walks out of the sessions telling you, mom and dad, that you know he wants to continue to work with David. But I said in the sessions it’s different. So if you’re willing, and thank God they were… guys, we went to 15 minute sessions. This young man blossomed. Right now – and I’m getting shows as I say this – the last time I saw him was three weeks ago because his family went on a vacation. He is now in his… I think he’s 24. He’s in college. He’s going to get an associates degree. Now, it’s going to take him… I think he’s been at it for about three years. I think it’s going to take him another year. Now, he will never live outside of the house, he’ll always live with mom and dad, but for this kid, this young man… and it goes right to what you’re saying, Gabe, it’s like, you know, when we asked him what was his goal, his goal was to finish school. Now according to everyone else that had worked with him, that was an impossibility. He couldn’t go to college, for all the different challenges that he had. And yet, in a year he’s going to graduate. When I saw him just before the Christmas break, the last time I saw him, he was ecstatic. Now he doesn’t show ecstasy like I might or someone else might. But you could see it in his face and his eyes how proud he was that he was able to do this, you know, and able to accomplish something that everyone had told him he couldn’t do. And I think it’s because we modified, extremely modified the program to fit him, not what statistically programs are supposed to be like. Does that make sense?

Vincent M. Wales: Yeah yeah. And that’s that’s a great story. Great story. Thank you. Thank you. Let’s talk about anxiety for a second. What kind of things have you got to say about that?

David Essel: First let’s look at the volume. You know, 40 million people on a daily basis in the U.S. alone struggle with depression and/or anxiety. It’s an interesting topic because we’ve heard over the years that there’s been a continual increase in anxiety in our society and people are blaming social media, and it definitely has a role in it for sure. When we talk about anxiety, and I just had a brand new client this week start, and he came in and he’s filled with anxiety. Now he has a high pressured sales position, so everyone who has always told him, all the counselors he’s worked with,you know, it’s genetically based or it’s something, it’s just you put so much pressure, you’re so competitive, you’re so you’re this, you’re so that… and I just met with him one time, we had our first session, and I asked him – because this is, I think, a missing link with anxiety – I asked him was his grandmother, grandfather, mom, dad, sister, brothers, aunts or uncles… Was there anyone in his life when he grew up that couldn’t relax? That was always on the move. That was always trying to accomplish the next ABCDE. And he looked at me and he started laughing and I said, What’s so funny? He goes, You just called my mother out. I said, Well let me tell you something. In our opinion, and we’re just one opinion of 40 years in the personal growth industry, 30 years in counseling and coaching, he said we see anxiety being created by the core family element between the age of zero and 18 much more so than a genetic link. And what we mean by that is… we’ll go back to the subconscious mind. From zero to 18, we’re in an environment where mom can’t sit down. She’s always up and moving. She can’t relax. She’s always doing that. It might seem productive, you know, that she’s dusting now and she’s sweeping next and she’s picking up this next and she’s got TV’s on one room and and a radio on and another room. That might seem like a productive use of time. Actually it’s an example of a full-blown anxiety episode. So this young man was raised in an environment where it was normal to not relax. It was normal to be hyper-competitive. It was normal that, when friends or relatives were coming over, that that house was freaking spotless. It was normal that all of this anxiety that was produced, not on purpose, but by mom, and she’d probably modeled her mom or dad… he took on because of the environment he was raised in. And right away when I see… when I can when I can pull someone out of, you know, this must be genetic, and everyone wants to use those words, genetic. So with anxiety, a large percentage we see that people – just like almost everything we’re talking about tonight, guys, is that people, when we’re not taught how to deal with emotions, when we’re not asked to go deeper, when we’re not exploring what could be the cause of this depression or anxiety other than the fact that it could be genetically related, that we’re losing out on helping millions of people a day to heal. So anxiety is real. The condition is real. A huge number of people are affected by it. But we have seen in our practice so many people heal from it, get off of their medications, live super productive lives when they learn how to deal with underlying emotions that they didn’t even know were there. Or they can start to see constructively that, oh my god, I’m repeating my dad’s alcoholism or I’m repeating my uncle’s whatever it might be. There are so many conditions that are created in this incubator called zero to 18 and I think that information is crucial to get out because, once again, going back to what I talked about a little while ago, this gentleman that came in the other day, he said, I’ve been diagnosed with full-blown anxiety attacks, panic attacks. I have them once a week. And now we’re going to get to the core and find out what is causing them. And a big part of it could be he’s just repeating the way his mom reacted to life, and if he continues doing that, it’s going to get worse. But we’re gonna help him break through it, for sure.

Gabe Howard: That is wonderful. Thank you so much. We’ve only got a couple of minutes left, is there any final thoughts that you want to leave us with? Where can we find you? Obviously the show notes will have your web page and all of that stuff. But, you know, there’s just so much that we didn’t get a chance to talk about. Can you give us the 30 to 60 second overview of of everything that we can know about you?

David Essel: Absolutely, Gabe. First of all I want to thank you and Vince for having me on, and for our listeners… you know, we offer a lot of free stuff. And that’s – again, how do you reach 2 million people a day, is that you’ve got to be creative, so – if your listeners want to get on our daily video e-mail list – it’s called David Essel’s Daily Video Boost – where we talk about these type of topics, where we talk about what causes depression and what are some of the potential cures and everything else that we’ve discussed today… All they have to do is go to the Web site, which is TalkDavid.com and sign up for the Daily Boost, it’s free. They’ll also find our link for our YouTube videos. Thirteen hundred videos, there’s a lot of videos on depression anxiety et cetera there. So if they just go to TalkDavid.com, they can find out where they can get all the free information, and then if they wanted to do something with the work that we do, they could let us know with an e-mail.

Gabe Howard: That would be wonderful. Thank you so much. And thank you, everybody, for tuning in this week. And remember you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private, online counseling anytime, anywhere by visiting betterhelp.com/psychcentral. We will see you all next week.

Narrator 1: Thank you for listening to the Psych Central Show. Please rate, review, and subscribe on iTunes or wherever you found this podcast. We encourage you to share our show on social media and with friends and family. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/show. PsychCentral.com is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website. Psych Central is overseen by Dr. John Grohol, a mental health expert and one of the pioneering leaders in online mental health. Our host, Gabe Howard, is an award-winning writer and speaker who travels nationally. You can find more information on Gabe at GabeHoward.com. Our co-host, Vincent M. Wales, is a trained suicide prevention crisis counselor and author of several award-winning speculative fiction novels. You can learn more about Vincent at VincentMWales.com. If you have feedback about the show, please email talkback@psychcentral.com.

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. He is also the author of several award-winning novels and creator of the costumed hero, Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

 



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The Device That Can ‘Read Minds’ And Convert To Words (M)

The system could eventually translate thoughts into words automatically.

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Social Media Use Does NOT Lead To Depression, Study Finds

Social media use does not predict later depression, research finds.

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Book Review: Change Your Genes, Change Your Life

We have all been dealt a set of genetic cards. Some may determine our height, athletic prowess, proclivity for creative writing, or the ability to rapidly add successive numbers. But how we play those cards — through the stimuli we expose ourselves to, how we interact with the world around us, and even the thoughts we endorse — ultimately determines the trajectory of our lives.

No longer does our genetic hand determine our destiny. We now know that we have the ability to program our genes, by turning them on and off, through the actions we take.

“The successful mapping of the human genome was only a first big step, it turns out, one that would become the foundation for yet another quantum leap in biology. More advanced research, especially in the last decade, points to the advent of a new field called epigenetics, which studies the human epigenome,” writes Kenneth R. Pelletier.

In his new book, Change Your Genes, Change Your Life: Creating Optimal Health With the New Science of Epigenetics, Pelletier integrates a lifetime of research and experiences to distill the new science of how our genes respond to everything we do, and importantly, just how we can now use this science to achieve optimal health.

While the assumption had long been that genes are deterministic in their expression, we now know that our genes respond to how we interact with the world. What we eat, who we surround ourselves with, what we see and breathe, and even the pharmaceuticals we take all influence how our epigenome functions.

Pelletier writes, “Today we know that surrounding every gene is a complex set of switches that determine what property of the gene will or will not be expressed.”

Genes don’t work alone, and most common disorders arise due to a complex set of interactions between many genes and the environment. However, this is also reason to hope.

Pelletier writes, “Hundreds of studies show that our genes are responsive to the biochemical and energetic environment we create in and around our cells through our daily choices. As a result, a thrilling new picture is emerging: the discovery that our biology is modifiable.”

Epigenomics refers to the study of the chemical markers that appear above — signified by the Greek prefix epi, which means “above” — the genes and influence how the genes function.

Pelletier writes, “It is almost as if there are two languages being ‘spoken’ by our DNA: the original ‘script’ of our genome, and a secondary and more powerful linguistic control system that sits on top of each gene.”

And what we do in our lifetime doesn’t only affect how our epigenome functions — it also affects our future generations. “The epigenetic alterations that you may acquire don’t just change your biology during your lifetime; some of these modifications can be passed on to future generations the follow you,” writes Pelletier.

Gene mapping is now a thing of the past. Instead, what epigenetic mapping offers is a way to see, for example, that people with Alzheimer’s disease, at some point, had epigenetic changes related to their immune system.

“At different points over a person’s lifetime we will be able to create a picture of that person’s ‘epigenetic state.’ Or, epidemiologists will be able to create ‘epigenetic maps’ of groups of people in a specific local to help explain their biological relationship with their immediate environment,” writes Pelletier.

One powerful example Pelletier gives is chronic inflammation, which contributes to numerous diseases, such as cardiovascular disease, obesity, osteoporosis, cancer, inflammatory bowel disease, asthma, and allergies. However, when we include anti-inflammatory foods like beets, broccoli, nuts, berries, and garlic in our diet, our risk is significantly lowered.

Similarly, when we begin to isolate food allergies and detoxify the body, we reset our biology, improve our ability to detect triggers, and reduce cravings and addictive behavior.

And due to epigenetic transgenerational inheritance, our dietary habits affect our children. Pelletier writes, “Epidemiological studies as well as animal experiments have shown that the maternal diet during pregnancy can produce epigenetic changes through altered methylation in the mother that are inherited by the offspring.”

Pelletier points to the long-term study of some 23,000 people which asked them to make four simple behavioral choices: not smoking; exercising 3.5 hours per week; eating a diet of fruits, vegetable, beans, whole grains, nuts, seeds, and low red meat; and maintaining a healthy weight, which they defined as a body mass index (BMI) of less than 30.

After eight years, these people had a 93 percent lower risk of developing diabetes, an 81 percent reduction in heart attacks, a 50 percent fewer strokes, and 36 percent fewer cancers.

While early life trauma can also cause epigenetic changes, engaging in meditation, social support, and massage, and countering damaging unconscious beliefs can change the way the epigenome functions.

And stress — biological or psychological — affects every single one of our cells. Yet, so does happiness.

Pelletier writes, “Once a pathway is established in our mental or emotional life through habitual behaviors, it is self-perpetuating and continues its positive or negative influence on our physical and mental health until we intervene to change it. If your aim is to achieve optimal health, it is my firm belief that you must intervene on the side of creating positive changes to your present state of consciousness, which we now know can have long-lasting biological effects.”

Redefining our understanding of genetic influence and empowering our understanding of the impact our everyday choices have on our long-term health, Change Your Genes, Change Your Life is a goldmine for anyone interested in integrative medicine.

Change Your Genes, Change Your Life: Creating Optimal Health with the New Science of Epigenetics
Origin Press, October 2018
Paperback, 230 pages



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Feedspot: MindBlog in top 100 psychology blogs

I am clueless about monitoring traffic on MindBlog, have been puzzled why I get 3-5 emails a week wanting to contribute content, share content, sell me some editing or other services, assist in 'monetizing' my site more effectively. Google is constantly on my case to place advertisements on MindBlog. My cut and paste answer to all such emails is "I must decline your kind offer. MindBlog is my own idiosyncratic hobby, and I only post content that I initiate. I am not concerned about number of followers, and have no interest in revenue." A recent offer to provide editing services finally clued me in to at least one source that contributes to all these emails. They sent their solicitation to the top 100 Psychology Blog identified by feedsport.com. Turns out that MindBlog is currently number 46.


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3 Ways to Create Positive Relationships in the Workplace

assertive-business-partners

Throughout a typical work week, employees will interact more with their colleagues than loved ones. Positive interactions between employees not only makes for a better work environment but can foster higher levels of job satisfaction and productivity. Negative or toxic relationships in the workplace can increase stress levels among employees, as well as feelings of isolation. Both stress and isolation negatively impact employees’ mental and physical health, lowering employee morale and motivation.

Data collected from 17,000 employees who completed MHA’s Work Health Survey showed that 63% of employees experienced isolation because of a hostile work environment, with 63% stating that work stress negatively affected their mental and physical health. Not surprisingly, 71% of employees reported speaking poorly of their organization (including boss and co-workers) and wanting to leave their jobs. For many employees, the workplace feels uncertain, isolating, and unsupportive.

In prioritizing positive work relationships, employers can promote a creative, collaborative, and supportive workplace culture. Employers that want employees to be at their best should recognize the critical role that positive relationships play in keeping them satisfied, motivated, and engaged.

Here are three ways that employers can foster positive work relationships in the workplace:

1. Encourage Social Interaction.

Increasing social interactions among employees will also increase their level of comfort. When employees are comfortable with each other, they are more inclined to share ideas, provide feedback, and offer support. Employers can increase employee interaction by arranging social events that celebrate personal and professional milestones. They can also do something as simple as incorporating an occasional ice breaker during staff meetings. Employers should not only approve of these activities, but also participate in them. These moments offer a good opportunity to foster positive relationships with their employees.

2. Creating Opportunities for Collective Decision-Making.

Assigning team work encourages employees to collaborate and communicate with each other. Employees that communicate effectively have been found to work in a more efficient manner. Through collaboration, employees can strengthen their own skills, as well as learn new ones. They can also learn how their colleagues think and complete tasks, allowing for a quick transition from working individually to being part of team. When assigning teamwork, employers should emphasize communication and collaboration, while noting that any successes or failures will be those of the team and not of one individual.

3. Promote Open Door Policies.

Positive work relationships cannot develop in a workplace culture that does not support open communication and mutual respect. Employers need to send the message that they are accessible and encourage employees to provide feedback and/or discuss any workplace issues. Employers should also learn to listen and act intently, making employees feel seen, heard and valued. Employees are more likely to seek positive relationships with their colleagues if they feel that it is something that is promoted and supported by their organizations.

This post courtesy of Mental Health America.



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Wednesday 30 January 2019

RBT Ethics Code

Registered behavior technicians are required to complete 40 hours of applied behavior analysis training. This training must include 3 hours of ethics training. The RBT Ethics Code covers the categories...

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I’m Afraid of My Dad

Ever since I was a little kid my dad has been an awful person. Once I got spanked for sticking my tongue out innocently. Once he destroyed my brothers stuffed animals when my brother found his knife. My brother was 3. Once my brother spilled water on his computer and our dad threw a bible at him. By the age of six I was expected to get to school on my own while dad slept. My brother and I were allowed to go to the park on our own while he slept as well. He thought anything we did wrong was a slight against him. Our babysitter abused us and he didn’t care. He’s always late picking us up from any babysitting type place we’re left. He told me my mother and her family didn’t care about me at all. He’s called me a bitch, wench, and other things of that sort. He poured water on my head when I told him I wasn’t going to kill myself if he was gone. He was upset losing him wouldn’t be enough to drive me to suicide. And even though he’s never actually hurt me…im scared of him. I’m scared he’ll snap one day and kill me. He keeps guns and knives around everywhere. And his temper is so explosive that I’m so afraid…every second I’m at his house im afraid for my safety. I called cps already but they didn’t do shit about it! I’ve thought of running away but I have nowhere to go, and if I’m caught that may be what tips him over the edge. I’m so afraid and no one will help me.

As you have pointed out, as of yet, he has not actually hurt you. That does not mean that he will not hurt you but he is not displayed that behavior, as of yet. At some point, if things escalate, the police or child services will be able to intervene. Apparently, the information that you provided to the police was insufficient to allow them to take action. You mention your mother and your mother’s family. Have you made them aware of your fears towards your father?

You have survived without your dad actually hurting you for a number of years. Now that you are very aware of the problem and your father’s anger and the things that trigger that anger, you are better equipped to deal with him. Minimize your interactions with your father as much as is possible. When interacting with him do your very best not to engage him or trigger his anger. Don’t allow this to become a battle between his way and your way.

If things worsen, make your mother’s family aware of the danger, make your teachers at school aware of the problem, notify child welfare or ask the police for help in involving child welfare and the courts. Your school is mandated by law to report suspected child abuse (not just proven) to child welfare. Don’t hesitate to talk to your school counselor, teachers or the principal. Please talk to those people and ask for their help. I wish you the best of luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle



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I Feel Like I Don’t Deserve Love and It’s Impossible

I feel I’ll never be in a relationship. I’m 23 and never have. There’s nothing wrong with me from the outside looking, in fact, I always have admirers and guys who ask me out. I’m funny, nice and quite good looking. However, I have a super hard time developing feelings for guys, and the few ones I really fall for never ever like me back, which makes me feel like a failure. I’ve been on many dates with great guys who were serious and were looking for a relationship, and in the beginning when a handsome guy gives me attention I feel thrilled about it and even fantasize about us getting together, but as soon as he actually tells me he likes me or starts showing physical affection, the world turns upside down, and no matter how attracted I was to him, I start feeling sick, and feel like I’m in a parallel universe because a good guy liking me is not supposed to happen in real life, just in my fantasies. It’s like a thousand voices in my head start screaming at me how I don’t deserve it and how life is playing me an evil trick and if I fall for it, something horribly painful will happen and I will make a fool out of myself. I don’t even know how to word or interpret these feelings, but they take over me completely and I get confused, sad and repellant towards the guy. It always ends up with me running away, not looking back. I’m always the one to break things up, no guy has ever really rejected me, and yet being rejected scares me so much my subconscious seems to drive me to “leave before I get left” as Taylor Swift puts it… So basically, when it’s clear that a guy likes me back, I lose my feelings for him and get super uncomfortable instead. When I date more “douchy” kind of guys, I feel safe, like things are the way they should, but then I also get annoyed by their behavior and keep thinking that I deserve someone better. I’m so sad, lonely and confused, and I feel like something is wrong with me and I should be ashamed that I can’t find a boyfriend. I’m also a super jealous person, I’m jealous of my friends who are in relationships, I feel like I can never have that, despite all the guys who want it with me. (From Europe)

There is a reason my website is called Dare2BeHappy.com. It takes great understanding to appreciate that tolerating the good things in life takes work. When we want something better there is often an immediate struggle to find ways to hold on to it, accept and appreciate it. Here are three things to do to help:

  1. Be vulnerable by narrating your thoughts with the good guy. Don’t dwell on it, but don’t leave the feelings rattling around in your head. Say a little bit about what is going on with you. This has the capacity to turn the man you fear into an ally.
  2. When something good occurs between the two of you acknowledge it, savor it, and keep a gratitude journal that identifies it. This will help you hold on to the good feeling.
  3. Finally, be aware that when good things are happening the risk of you sabotaging the situation is very high. Don’t let your fear ruin something that you may just need getting used to.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral



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Hack Your Brain To Form New Habits (S)

How much are habits a product of what we want versus what we habitually do?

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How to Show Up for Your Life: Turning the Ordinary into the Extraordinary

What do these two people have in common: a young man playing the cello, and a father eating with his daughter at a local restaurant? This may sound like the beginning of a joke, but it is no joke. Read on.

I recently had the remarkable experience of hearing a young man play the cello. That is actually a complete understatement. He didn’t just play the cello — he became one with the instrument, and with the music, in a way I have rarely witnessed. Yes, he had great skill, but his playing went far beyond skill. For fifteen minutes or so, he was so completely absorbed in playing this piece of music that every fiber of his being was attuned with the vibration coming from his instrument. His eyes were mostly closed, his body moved as if in a dance, and he played each note with such intense passion, as if each note were its own masterpiece. This is the power of being fully present.

So what about the more ordinary scene of the father eating at a local restaurant with his young daughter? Interestingly, while I observed this scene many years ago, the image is still so vivid in my mind.

This father was sitting at a table eating lunch with his young daughter, who looked to be about five years old. She was chatting away in a carefree manner, as 5-year-olds often do. He was leaning forward, looking intently at her with warm eyes, and responding to her as if every word she was saying was deeply important. He was completely attentive, and his body language showed that he was not just listening, but was also fully attuned to her emotions and expressions in a loving and open way.

This went on for the ten minutes or so that I observed. What struck me was how rare it is to see this depth of interaction between parent and small child. More commonly, parents are half-listening while their attention is elsewhere, or they are engaged for short bits of time, but then lose attention to focus on other things.

Even as adults speaking to other adults, how often are we fully attentive like this? In my experience, not often enough.

This father exemplified what it is like when we are truly and fully present with another human being. This kind of presence is hard to come by. Think about how easy it is for our minds to be distracted, pulled in multiple directions. We spend large amounts of time thinking about the past and future. We eat while we answer emails or watch TV; we text while we are talking with others, walking, or worse, driving; we walk outside while we run through our to-do list and miss the trees and sky; we multi-task masterfully, all the while missing out on the gifts that come with giving our whole-hearted attention and presence to one thing.

I recently heard Tara Brach share this statement: “How you live today is how you live your life.” I find this a wonderful invitation to begin paying attention to how we are living our days. If you are like me, and most human beings, much of the time your body is in one place, and your mind is somewhere else. This is part of our human condition. Yet with practice and awareness, we can train our minds to more often be right here with us in this moment — even if just for short periods of time.

Several mindfulness meditation teachers I have heard teach that mindfulness is experienced when our bodies and minds are in the same place at the same time. One way of practicing this and training the mind to be more present and aware is by bringing one’s awareness to each breath as it comes in and as it goes out. This sounds so simple, and perhaps even silly, but it is actually quite profound.

We don’t practice meditation to become “good” meditators, or to simply become “good” at focusing on the breath. Instead, this is a skill that we can take outside of formal meditation practice and into our lives. As we teach the mind to stay with the experience of breath, we are also learning to come back to the very moments of our lives when our minds wander off into our common mental distractions as we go through our day.

So, how do we show up for our lives?

Besides formal meditation practice to help us cultivate being present in this moment, we can practice informally, as we go through the activities of our day.

One important way we can do this is to create more conscious moments where we bring our full attention to what is happening right here and now. 

Some people have a misconception of meditation as something that requires a mystical experience or a complete quieting of the mind that can feel unattainable. But in fact, meditation can be quite ordinary, and we can practice it while we go about our day-to-day activities. We can use the ordinary moments of our lives to bring our full attention to them, while we are brushing our teeth, walking to our car, eating a meal, talking with family members, or folding the laundry. As we bring our full attention to what we are experiencing (engaging as many of our five senses as possible and being present in our bodies for whatever we are experiencing), the task is to continue to redirect our attention back to what we are experiencing, each time the mind wanders away. As we become more present and aware of the ordinary, even seemingly mundane moments of our lives, we also wake up to the aliveness that each moment holds.

So here is a suggestion for today. Find just a few minutes when you can put 100% of your attention on something you are doing. It could be listening in a conversation, playing with your child or pet, eating your next meal, listening to a piece of music, or washing the dishes. When your mind wanders, which it will, bring it back, again and again, gently and without judgment. Notice what the experience is like. What do you experience by doing this that you might otherwise miss? What is it like to have your body and your mind in the same place at the same time?

Most of our moments may not be as profound an experience as those of the cello player’s. However, the more we can practice presence a few minutes at a time, the more opportunity we have, as the father at the restaurant did, to transform the ordinary moments of our lives into something extraordinary.



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Clean Your Room & Other Dumb, Simplistic Advice

Every year, I will notice a new set of self-help gurus come on the scene. Their well-intended advice is usually repackaged life advice that I could trace back to early 1900s authors and researchers. Some go back even further than that.

Of course, if simplistic, dumb advice worked, there’d probably be very little need for psychologists, therapists, and life coaches. “Oh, thanks for letting me know that all I needed to do was to pull myself up and use pure willpower to stop my addiction. That’s super helpful!”

Let’s take a look at some of the dumb, simplistic advice being offered to people nowadays.

1. Clean your room and get organized.

I guess parenting has truly gone out the window with any semblance of teaching kids some responsibility if one of the most popular self-help guru’s primary takeaway is, “Clean your room.” I reviewed Jordan Peterson’s not-too-successful attempt at a self-help book, Twelve Rules for Life. I did not come away impressed by his shallow thought processes and constant diving into tangential, largely unrelated topics in each chapter. This is what he says about Rule 6 in an interview:

Well, my sense is that if you want to change the world, you start from yourself and work outward. Because you build your competence that way. It’s like, I don’t know how you can go out and protest the structure of the entire economic system if you can’t keep your room organized.

Ah, yes. “Let he without sin cast the first stone.” Of course, perfectly disorganized people have helped change the world, because nobody has ever said, “Oh, no, you can’t be a leader, George Washington. Your room is messy!”

Keeping organized helps some people. For others, it causes a lot more stress to stay “organized” (using some third-party’s arbitrary metric of what good organization should be) than it is to stay messy. I have a pretty disorganized office, and always have. But I know precisely where everything is, because it’s organized for me. Does that mean the rest of my life is also disorganized? Of course not. The one has absolutely no direct bearing on the other. (I’d happily welcome research references demonstrating a causal link between the two.)

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

Every extrovert doesn’t understand why introverts don’t like the same things they like. The same is true of organization-driven people versus disorganized people — two different yet equally valid ways of being in this world.

2. You just need to try X, you’ll be feeling better in no time.

So many well-meaning, well-intentioned people say this to folks who are emotionally struggling. But it’s probably one of the worst possible things you could say. While magic ingredient X — whether it be dieting, a supplement, exercise, a therapist, a new drug, whatever — may work just fine for you, that doesn’t mean squat about whether it’ll work for your friend or family member. Furthermore, the advice also presupposes — as most advice does — that the person hasn’t already tried X.

I may want to hear what worked for you if you’ve gone through something very similar to what I’m going through. But let me ask first, okay?

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

Research consistently demonstrates that most things meant to help someone with a specific concern or problem don’t work well for most people. Only some of them do, for some people, some of the time — no matter whether it’s a specific diet, a type of exercise, psychotherapy, a supplement, or a drug. It’s overly simplistic to suggest that you know X will work.

3. Stop and smell the roses.

This has gotten dusted off with the rise of mindfulness, which is not unlike simple meditation but with a little more focus thrown in. The key is to focus on your being, on your experience, in the moment. Sipping a cappuccino? Don’t just mindlessly look at your social media feed. Take a moment to enjoy the actual taste of the coffee in your mouth, smell the aroma, enjoy the swirl of cream on top.

This is all good and very well. And it can really work wonders the first 5 times you give it a try. But somewhere around the 6th time (sooner or later, depending upon your personality), you may start finding it more and more difficult to enjoy it the same way.

That’s not surprising, because psychology has taught us that human beings are creatures of habit and acclimation. It would be impossible for one to drive a car in the country because of all the wonder and nature found in such a drive.

Humans are habit-driven and wear deep tracks in the trails of their daily routines and behaviors.

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

Humans are habit-driven and wear deep tracks in the trails of their daily routines and behaviors. While you absolutely will enjoy slowing down a moment when you can to reflect on the exact moment you’re living in, you should acknowledge and embrace the drive, habits, and energy that makes you alive and the person that you are.

4. Reinforce good behavior.

Likely born out of BF Skinner’s research on rats and his theory on operant conditioning, there’s this idea — with some good research backing — that we should reinforce good behavior. Whether it be a few M&Ms for picking up your toys as a child, or a kiss on the cheek for taking out the trash without having to be asked, many people believe in this advice.

It’s generally okay advice, and tends to work well for children. But it only goes so far, especially for adults. You can’t reinforce good behavior in others simply through treats or behavioral rewards if they have no interest in the treats or rewards.

The research also shows when the rewards are external (e.g., money or treats) they tend to be far less motivating (and less dependable) than when the rewards are internal (e.g., self-esteem or selflessness). Of course, it’s far harder to understand, much less make use of, those internal rewards.

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

People use external reinforcements for good behavior, which works better in children than for adults. Reinforcement that relies on external rewards rather than internal ones tend to be less powerful and dependable over the long term.

5. Stop hanging around negative people all the time.

In the “You need better friends” category, we have this doozy. I don’t know of too many people who choose to hang around negative people, or maybe have a friend or two that are dysfunctional or even possibly toxic. We come into friendships in a variety of ways, but usually through shared association or interests over time.

Here’s the catch though — people change. All the time, people are changing. It’s an inevitable part of life. And that means what brought two people together as friends may no longer be something they both share. And family is worse, in that we don’t usually have much of a choice in needing to interact with them.

Do we ditch a person just because they’re going through a negative or rough patch? Hopefully loyal friends don’t.

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

Negativity is a part of everyone’s life. While there’s little value in holding onto it any longer than necessary, it serves an important purpose and balance. It would be near impossible to demand and expect only to have “positive” friends who support and agree with your every thought and action. While you could benefit from moving forward without truly toxic people in your life, you should realize and expect that some friends will always have a different outlook on life that may not be yours, but can lend valuable perspective to it.

6. Just start doing this or stop thinking that.

Lots of self-help books have a similar problem. They paint a pretty picture of the destination but provide little in the way of guideposts on how to arrive there in any meaningful manner. It’s not surprising, once you understand how complex people really are. One set of guideposts aren’t likely to be helpful to most people who read them.

Some authors fall into the trap of explaining why it’s good to stop doing some bad habit or unwanted behavior. Or why, if you just change your thinking, you can “think your way out” of depression or a problem in your life.

For a handful of people, such approaches might work. But usually insight and information is not nearly enough to effect meaningful change in a person’s life. That takes customized work and deeper understanding of a person’s own experiences, motivations, and beliefs.

Dr. Grohol’s Reality Check:

If things were so simple we could just stop doing or thinking them, there’d be little need of therapists (or self-help books, for that matter!). The fact is that change of any type is hard. Undoing a behavior or way of thinking you’ve been doing for many years is like getting rid of a bad habit. It’s going to take a fair amount of time, concerted effort, focus, and hard work. That’s where a psychotherapist can help.



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