Monday 31 July 2017

Am I Mentally Sane?

From a teen in the UK: Hi, I don’t think I’m mentally sane but I don’t know what exactly is wrong with me and this is why I need your help.

I am a seventeen year old female, still currently in school. I hardly leave the house, I have very few friends and my family threaten to take me to a psychiatrist because I apparently have “the wrong attitude” and am “lazy”.

I just don’t seem to care about anyone or anything, I almost feel empty inside. I don’t get excited about anything, I have little to no feelings. But I do get angry and annoyed a lot and I often am quite impulsive and have done a lot of silly things which wouldn’t be considered normal.

I keep looking up mental illnesses online, particularly the personality disorders. I just really want to find out what is wrong with me. Maybe ASPD or BPD? But I don’t have a fear of abandonment and I honestly don’t care about people or feel any attachment to them. I sort of like being alone.

I do however want to go out and party and drink and smoke etc I just don’t get the chance to because I only have one main friend who is just a bit of a geek. I have little care for others, I do really stupid things like lighting paper on fire at school (which I nearly got expelled for) and killing insects for fun. I haven’t been out the house recently and I’ve just mostly been sat in the front room drawing and wondering what on earth is wrong with me. I know I must feel some sort of emotion because I cry when I listen to a sad song, but I have to sort of force the tears you know.

My parents seem to think there is something wrong with me because they got me these books on anxiety and depression. But I don’t feel that sad and I hardly get nervous anymore, I cope with stress very well ( i just finished my exams with no problem whatsoever). I’ve just always struggled to express myself and my feelings. I was a bit depressed for a time but not anymore I don’t think. I don’t hear voices or anything. I just get angry and start doing weird things a lot. I feel weird, not sane.

What is wrong with me?

Please reply.

A: Why on earth do you find your parents’ offer for you to see a psychiatrist as a “threat”? It’s exactly what you need. Instead of consulting “Dr. Google”, please allow them to make an appointment for you with a legitimate doctor who can perform an evaluation and answer your good questions.

If there is a diagnosable disorder, you will be given a treatment plan to think about. A plan is just that — a suggested plan. You don’t have to follow it. That’s a decision only you can make.

All you have to lose by going to see a psychiatrist is an hour or so of your time. You may very well get the answers you seek. Why not do it?

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie



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Book Review: Awkward

We all have awkward moments, of course. The unintentionally insulting blurt. The joke that lands like a lead balloon. The forgotten name in the midst of introductions.

But in his engaging and practical new book, Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome, psychologist Ty Tashiro addresses not the occasional faux pas, but the life lived awkwardly, “to explain why some people experience awkward moments not as an exception to the rule, but as a way of life.”

Awkward people might consistently forget to greet people when they enter the room, find eye contact unbearably intimate (causing them to miss social cues) or chatter on about esoterica, unaware of eyes glazing around them.

“Awkward people see the world differently from non-awkward people,” writes Tashiro.

“When non-awkward people walk into a room full of people, they naturally see the big social picture. They intuitively understand things like the emotional tone in the room or how formally they should act. By comparison, awkward people tend to see social situations in a fragmented way. It’s as if they see the world with a narrow spotlight that makes it hard to see the big social picture all at once,” writes Tashiro.

It may sound a lot like autism, but Tashiro teases out the differences between awkwardness and autism or Asperger’s. He finds that awkward people are often pretty comfortable with the label, recognizing and accepting it even if they wish it weren’t so. Tashiro readily owns his own awkwardness, and draws from his own life as well as case studies to illustrate and explain throughout the book.

Tashiro recalls, for example, early in his junior high career when he and his “band of misfits”—stymied by the MTV cool of their new school—decided that no matter what the other kids thought, they would just do what they always did: play.

“After some deliberation, we decided to go with one of our playtime activities from sixth grade, reenactments of wrestling matches from the World Wide Wrestling Foundation,” writes Tashiro.

The thing ended badly, both physically—when Tashiro went flying into a steel fencepost—and socially, when they realized that the other seventh graders were not joining in, but were standing around watching the show.

“How could I not see that wrestling reenactments were a bad idea?” He wondered later, as he recovered from a near-concussion.

On one hand, your heart breaks for little Ty, whose childlike spirit was on the verge of being crushed by social pressures. On the other hand, an inability to read social cues and conform to norms, at least to some extent, is a social liability that can affect everything from junior high social status, friendships and jobs to intimate relationships.

“When someone is chronically awkward, then the accumulation of their awkward moments can threaten their social inclusion,” writes Tashiro.

Tashiro’s parents, who realized his struggles early on, made a point of drilling “life skills” into him. For example, before they went into a fast-food restaurant, his “parents would park our station wagon, turn to the backseat where I sat, and one of them would say ‘Let’s get mentally prepared.’…My parents’ series of well-orchestrated questions led to Socratic dialogues about how I would engage with others.”

The dialogues included why they were there, where he should go when they entered the store (to the end of the line), how to prepare before he got to the counter (decide what to order, get his money ready), how to speak to the cashier (eye contact, project his voice, say please), what do to and where to stand after he ordered. This approach, while a little draconian sounding, plugged into Tashiro’s methodical mind to break down elements of interaction and provide concrete skills.

Tashiro uses research and anecdotal case studies to explain the perception differences of awkward people, which studies suggest may involve a genetic component. He outlines some of the ways awkward people can use their hyper-focus and methodical minds to learn to read social cues as they would any other skill.

In the chapter “Emotions Make Me Feel Funny,” Tashiro points out that while awkward people often know when they have violated societal expectations, they don’t always know why. He suggests skills to help awkward people translate emotions into actions that can repair damage, including a chart listing what an emotion is, what it means and what the proper response is.

Tashiro even takes the discussion all the way to flirtation, intimate relationships and the bedroom. His tone is straightforward and compassionate, with clear affection for his fellow blunderers. Woven throughout are reasons the qualities that cause awkwardness can also be assets, and the last chapter delves more deeply into this, connecting the dots between awkwardness and giftedness, the adaptive qualities of awkwardness and the benefits of awkward people’s intense focus.

Useful for those wondering about their own tendency towards social blunders, parents concerned for awkward children or educators who want to help children succeed, Awkward takes an amorphous sense that “something ain’t right about that boy” and shapes it into something we can understand and work with.

Awkward: The Science of Why We’re Socially Awkward and Why That’s Awesome
Ty Tashiro, PhD
William Morrow (April 2017)
Hardcover, 288 pages



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The Sweetest Sound

Expectations and Projections Regarding Career Paths“I am going to to do something I am passionate about,” I vowed.

Fresh off college graduation, I radiated a healthy idealism. From politics to policy to mental health, I was ready to saber rattle the status quo into submission.  

Six months later, I sat in a sterile office in a nondescript DC office analyzing legal psychobabble. From the crackling paint to the linoleum tiles, the office could have doubled as a psych ward. And as I listened my desultory colleagues groan in agony, maybe it was.

As I walked around the office in a sullen stupor, I looked at my miserable colleagues and shook my head in disbelief. What the hell are they doing here? And, better yet, what the hell am I doing here?

For many, youthful passion is disparaged as hopeless idealism. It is a phase you will grow out of — you know, like your Dave Matthews Band obsession or Alyssa Milano crush. I am 36 — and still haven’t “grown out of it” (even though my unrequited love has cooled ever so slightly for Miss Milano).

And why should I? And, more importantly, why should you?

Wrapped in hopeful idealism (with maybe a touch of Iowa naïveté), I have spent the better part of my adult life searching for my calling. While others have mocked me (my father’s derisive sneer, “So you want to do something you are passionate about?” still stings), a calling is important for professional and — dare I say it — personal success.

Here is a proper definition: A calling is an individual’s experience toward any career domain — e.g. teaching, social work, medicine, clergy, musicians — that allows for “a self-relevant view of meaning.” It is a highly individualized, subjective experience. In other words, well-meaning family (ahem ahem) and friends cannot dictate your calling. As it should be; a self-reflective quest to find your calling is emotionally challenging — and more emotionally enriching.  

I have searched — and at times struggled — to find my calling. From hammering out legal-tinged columns for the National Journal (no) to shuffling through legal documents (definitely not!) to writing acerbic sports columns (getting warmer) to offering pithy Psych Central takes (warmest?), I have been in perpetual search and discover mode. Or is that lost and (still waiting) to be found?

My family says yes (insert an obligatory, “What are you doing now?”); I steadfastly disagree. Finding your calling is more than applying for every Monster job vacancy; it requires a full awareness of your strengths and weaknesses. And, yes, this probing self-exploration requires trial and error — in some cases a lot of it.

But when you discover you calling, the payoff can be immense. A calling provides energy, enjoyment, and purpose to your life’s work; you are richer than any Wall Street paycheck. And as you follow your own North Star, those career bumps and bruises don’t sting as much. Your self-identity, once riddled with uncertainty, slowly stabilizes.

And this is sweeter music than any Dave Matthews Band classic.



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How To Get a Narcissist to Feel Empathy

A simple technique to help narcissists develop more fellow-feeling.

• Try one of PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:



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Healing from Emotional Abuse

Never underestimate the damage emotional abuse can do to a person. In many ways it can be considered even worse than physical abuse because it is so covert and unidentifiable. Emotional abuse tends to fall “under the radar.”  Many victims don’t even realize that they are in an abusive relationship and they often suffer in silence, slowly losing themselves in the process.

Perhaps you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and don’t even know it.  Consider these three questions to see if you are in an emotionally unhealthy relationship:

  1. Does your partner EVER say the following type of comments to you when you make a mistake or “break a rule?” – “Don’t worry about it.” “It’s not the end of the world.” “Everything’s going to be fine.” Or, better yet, “Here, let me help you.”A “No” answer means you could have a problem. Chances are, if your partner is emotionally abusive, he/she acts like everything and anything is cause for concern, disgust, blame, and condemnation.  Dealing with a person you are close to who is not able to offer you safety and soothing when you make a “mistake” (and I use quotes because to abusers mistakes can be fabricated out of thin air) can take its toll on you in the long run.
  2. What happens when you say, “No,” to your partner? Does he or she punish you in some way – either overtly or covertly?A “Yes” answer indicates a problem. Healthy people may not like being told, “No,” but they can maturely handle their disappointment without hurting others.
  3. Does your partner blame you for problems he or she creates? Does he or she take ownership for the problems in your relationship?A “No” answer indicates a problem. Abusers do not take responsibility and they like to blame others. When you have been the recipient of blame and accusations for a long period of time, it takes a toll on your sense of well-being.

This is what emotional abuse does to a person.  When you have been subjected to this type of interpersonal trauma, over time, you become depressed and anxious and lose your sense of feeling valuable in the world.

But, you can heal.  Here’s how.

  • Be yourself. Do not change who you are for another person. Do as Brene Brown recommends, “Refuse to hustle for your worthiness.”
  • Do not allow emotional abusers or narcissists to define your value. If you let an emotionally destructive person define you or your value, you will be destroyed. Don’t allow that to happen.
  • Find your voice. Do not hide yourself any more for fear of being “bad” or “wrong” or “in trouble.”
  • Stop defending yourself. Emotional abusers need to find your flaws and make you bad. Let them. When you can stop defending yourself you have learned to accept this reality. Think of it this way – tell yourself that your partner has the right to believe or say whatever he or she wants. It’s his/her choice to believe whatever he needs to believe about you. Let him/her. It is very liberating to allow someone else the freedom.
  • Understand it’s not about you. Emotional abuse is about the abuser. While emotional abuse strategies are all unique to the individuals involved, abusers, themselves, all tend to be cut from the same cloth. They are all about hurting another person and positioning themselves in the “superior” position.
  • Stop trying to get them to see. –  They are not going to see what they are doing, nor are they going to “see” you for who you are. So, stop trying.
  • Stop trying to get others to see. When you have been invalidated for so long it’s as if you are starving for validation. You just want someone else to see what you are going through and see you as a person. You feel so alone with the abuse that you want others to validate you. This can be done, but one key to healing is learning to die to the need of convincing either the abuser or others of your abuse. You are the only person who really needs to see.
  • Take action. Change the dynamics and refuse to cooperate with the current “terms of engagement.” Your abuser wants you to feel afraid and bad. This way, he or she can feel smug and superior and control you. Once you realize this you can take action to change the dynamics. Don’t talk about what you want to change, take action and do something different.
  • Take care of yourself. Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, and spiritually. That is, get enough sleep. Eat right. Exercise. Write in a journal. Pray. Join a support group. Do whatever you need to do be good to yourself.
  • Seek support. Join a support group for abuse victims and find a good therapist who understands how to heal from abusive relationships.

Life is too short to spend it being destroyed by others. You have personal rights, which include the right to be treated with dignity, the right to be yourself, and the right to have freedom to make your own choices.

Do not waste any more of your precious life waiting or hoping for your abuser to change, because chances are that will NEVER happen. Take matters into your own hands, and give yourself permission to live well.

 

If you would like to receive my free monthly newsletter on the psychology of abuse, please email me at: therecoveryexpert@gmail.com



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Befrienders Worldwide

Befrienders Worldwide

Originally established in 1974 by Chad Varah (founder of the Samaritans), then recently launched as an independent charity in 2012, Befrienders Worldwide is a dynamic and expanding global network of 349 emotional support centers in 32 countries, spanning 5 continents. These centers are staffed by more than 25,000 volunteers who provide vital support to an estimated 7 million service users each year.

Befrienders Worldwide centers provide an open space for those in distress to talk and be heard. This is via telephone helplines, SMS messaging, face to face, internet chat, outreach and local partnerships.

We believe in giving a person the opportunity to explore feelings which can cause distress, the importance of being listened to, in confidence, anonymously, and without prejudice. We value that a person has the fundamental decision about their own life.

By embracing new technologies, sharing expertise and experiences, Befrienders Worldwide is committed to the vision of a world in which despair can be relieved and there are fewer deaths by suicide. To achieve this, we aim to: improve access to information about suicide and emotional support services worldwide; provide innovative support and services to the Befrienders Worldwide member centers and sustain and expand the Befrienders Worldwide global network of emotional support centers.



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Boyfriend Keeps Expecting Me to Change

Hello, My boyfriend lives with me and we are having too many issues this early on. From Day 1 he has told me I need to change. He has never accepted me for who I am. I do have trust issues and can be insecure, but he refuses to see or work on his issues. He has told me that I refuse to communicate positively, and that maybe I am just happy with who I am and then says if that is the case we will just go our separate ways. He will have outbursts and then 2 hours later text me a novel claiming he loves me but that he deserves to be happy too. He calls me selfish, yet the only thing I hear is about him. HIS stress, HIS happiness, how HE had it so bad growing up and refuses to deal with people who won’t change, etc.

I have decided the best thing is to end things. I need someone who will love me for me, but he has broken me so it’s hard for me to move on. I know in the next couple days he will try to smooth things over and once again make me take the blame for everything bad that has gone wrong. (From the USA)

A: He has not broken you. You sound strong, resilient and deeply self-reflective. Ending a less-than-satisfying relationship is energy pruning. If he can’t honor who you are then it is time to move on.

When people transform they typically have been tolerating too much and learn to set a limit on what they can accommodate with their partner. It sounds like you have reached your limit. You must believe you deserve better than him for that better possibility to happen.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral



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Boyfriend Keeps Expecting Me to Change

Hello, My boyfriend lives with me and we are having too many issues this early on. From Day 1 he has told me I need to change. He has never accepted me for who I am. I do have trust issues and can be insecure, but he refuses to see or work on his issues. He has told me that I refuse to communicate positively, and that maybe I am just happy with who I am and then says if that is the case we will just go our separate ways. He will have outbursts and then 2 hours later text me a novel claiming he loves me but that he deserves to be happy too. He calls me selfish, yet the only thing I hear is about him. HIS stress, HIS happiness, how HE had it so bad growing up and refuses to deal with people who won’t change, etc.

I have decided the best thing is to end things. I need someone who will love me for me, but he has broken me so it’s hard for me to move on. I know in the next couple days he will try to smooth things over and once again make me take the blame for everything bad that has gone wrong. (From the USA)

A: He has not broken you. You sound strong, resilient and deeply self-reflective. Ending a less-than-satisfying relationship is energy pruning. If he can’t honor who you are then it is time to move on.

When people transform they typically have been tolerating too much and learn to set a limit on what they can accommodate with their partner. It sounds like you have reached your limit. You must believe you deserve better than him for that better possibility to happen.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral



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12 Steps to Successfully Become a Morning Person

Today, only 7% of the younger generation are morning people. This statistic gradually increases as people reach the age of 60. But the truth is, most important activities happen in the morning. Work, school, exercise, and creativity all take a lot of brainpower. It is proven that by going to bed earlier and waking up earlier, you can be more focused and productive.

If you are ready to start your journey to early morning productivity, read these 12 tips!

The Night Before

  • Go to bed early. 
    This seems obvious, but it is necessary if you want to get up early. You cannot be a morning person without giving up some late nights. Your body will thank you for the 8 hours.
  • Don’t sleep with screens. 
    Put the iPad, TV, and cell phone to sleep before you do. It is better to take a hot bath or read a book so that your body is relaxed and ready for a hard slumber.
  • Get organized. 
    It’s hard to sleep when you have a lot on your mind. If you have any thoughts before bed, write them down. Set up your outfit, pack your bag, and plan breakfast for the next day so that you don’t have to think about anything when you’re trying to fall asleep.
  • Tranquilize your room. 
    Decorate your room so that it is calm and relaxing. Lavender essential oils, comfy bedding, and dark lighting will help you get a great night’s sleep.
  • Identify your reasoning for getting up earlier. 
    What is your motivation for getting up earlier? Is it to get things done before the rest of the household wakes up? Getting to the gym before work? Identify your inspiration and then remind yourself of it every night before you go to bed.
  • Set goals. 
    If you have a goal for what you will accomplish during the day, you will be more motivated to wake up.
  • Ditch the alcohol. 
    Alcohol disrupts the amount of REM sleep we get in the night time. REM sleep is our deepest form of sleep.

In the Morning

  • Turn on the light as soon as your get up. 
    Open your blinds or turn on the light right when you get up. This will signal to your body that it is day time and wake you up quicker.
  • Eat a healthy breakfast. 
    Breakfast provides energy that will jumpstart your day. Eat healthy choices like eggs, a smoothie, toast, or fruit. It will help you to crave healthy foods for the rest of the day as well.
  • Go gradual. 
    Change your routine by incrementally going to bed and getting up 15 minutes earlier each day.
  • Always wake up at the same time. 
    Make your sleeping schedule a routine so that your body can get used to it. If you sleep in until 11am one day, but expect to wake up at 6am the rest of the week, it will get confused. That extra time on the weekends will feel great even if you don’t have to show up to work!
  • Plan something for the morning that excites you. 
    Whether it’s coffee, yoga, or putting on your favorite song, remind yourself of that when you wake up. You will be much more enticed to hop out of bed.

Although it is not easy, there are so many reasons to make the transition from a night owl to an early bird. Push through the beginning struggle to live a happier, more motivated lifestyle.

Morning people tend to be:

  • Happier
  • Proactive
  • More likely to stick to a workout schedule
  • Have more time to get stuff done
  • Energized
  • Develop more self discipline
  • Less stressed
  • More immune to sickness
  • & more

Once you start to see the benefits of waking up earlier, it will easily become a habit in your daily routine. You will never want to go back to the days of staying up until 2am just to waste your beautiful morning sleeping!



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Clinicians on the Couch: 10 Questions with Psychologist John Lundin

John Lundin

We rarely get a glimpse into the personal thoughts of therapists outside their offices. We rarely get a glimpse into their personal lives. Which is exactly what we do with our regularly series “Clinicians on the Couch.” We talk to clinicians about everything from the joys and challenges of working with clients to how they cope with stress in their own lives. We delve into other important topics, such as myths and misconceptions about therapy and therapists’ best advice for living a meaningful life—and a whole lot more.

This month, we’re honored to share an insight-packed interview with John Lundin, Psy.D, a licensed psychologist with practices in San Francisco and Oakland, Calif. Lundin has taught, lectured, researched, and written on his specialties, which include anxiety, relationship issues, parenting and trauma.

He volunteers for a group called A Home Within, dedicated to offering free psychotherapy for current or former foster youth. He also writes a monthly blog, called “Anxiety and Everyday Life” and lives in San Francisco. Learn more about Lundin and his work at http://ift.tt/2bJqFgp.

1. What’s surprised you the most about being a therapist?

I was surprised by how complex, difficult, and life changing the process of becoming a therapist was for me. Like most therapists, when I first started out I thought psychology was fascinating, and I just wanted to help people. In my first clinical placement, at The Salvation Army, I learned how difficult the work was, not just from an intellectual perspective, but from an emotional one. Many people assume the hardest part about being a therapist is hearing sad stories all day.

While patients’ stories were often quite sad, what surprised me was the personal emotional investment the work required and the way the work gets inside you. It surprised me how both powerful and disrupting it can be to fully absorb another person’s emotional experience, especially the most disturbed parts of them. I quickly learned that in order to help my patients most effectively, I had to allow myself to be truly open not just to the content of what they are saying, but the emotions and experiences that come up in the room while I am with them. I have learned that it is only when we have allowed ourselves to experience as much as possible of our patients’ emotional lives that we can find the words and expressions that can finally help them to heal. You can’t really get away with merely being a bystander if you want to really help your patients.

The field as a whole is finding out that the process of healing in therapy more and more requires a process that is similar to how a parent attunes to their young child’s emotional life. The process of having one’s emotional life recognized, respected, and understood is the basis for how we learn that we are lovable, and also learn to love.

Like many therapists, I came from a family where I was often in the caretaker role. This can be a problem when a therapist feels they need to “fix” a client by helping them to feel better, rather than “being” with them first, and figuring out how to help from there.

I would say I was still helpful to the people I saw in my first year, partly because I had already had a good deal of therapy myself beforehand, but doing the work required a whole new level of self-exploration. We have to be with them, and take responsibility for their therapy, while at the same time letting go of responsibility for “fixing” them. If a patient senses that WE need them to get better, that’s not good. Holding and negotiating these tensions in the treatment is highly important, but very difficult for a would-be therapist to imagine before they get into the work.

2. What’s the latest and greatest book you’ve read related to mental health, psychology or psychotherapy? 

The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk is a wonderful book about trauma that combines a neuroscientific and psychological perspective. It is a fascinating account of how the brain and body hold, express, and release trauma. I think it’s a must-read for therapists, and there are some exciting new therapies that I’m sure will come out of the work he is describing.

3. What’s the biggest myth about therapy?

I would say that the biggest myth is that a therapist is just someone who listens, or just reflects back what a patient is saying. The depiction of therapists in Hollywood is often that of these pushovers who overanalyze and don’t really do much to help, when the best therapists have clear boundaries, are deeply engaged with their patients, and are often both literally and figuratively saving lives.

To go a little deeper, I think this depiction is a reflection of the fears people have about therapy who either haven’t tried it, or have had negative experiences. The idea that a therapist can see things in your emotional life of which you aren’t aware about can be very threatening to the image we have of ourselves as the captain of our ship.

4. What seems to be the biggest obstacle for clients in therapy?

Lucille Ball once said, “Love yourself, and everything else will fall into place.” I really agree with this statement. Difficulty loving oneself is also the thing, at base, that brings most people into therapy.

It sounds simple, but it is anything but. Self-love is often misunderstood, and gets confused for its opposite, self-obsession. People that talk about themselves all of the time and have no room for others are doing the opposite of self-love: They are self-obsessed because they don’t love themselves enough to be able to relax and enjoy others. I believe that figuring out the obstacles to feeling safe to be truly yourself is the ultimate aim of therapy.

5. What’s the most challenging part about being a therapist?

To figure out how to digest all the emotional material that comes up in a treatment, feed it back to the patient in a way they can digest, and do this in a way that feels like it’s coming from you instead of hiding behind theory or technique, is quite a challenge.

Another way of putting this is that the ultimate challenge and goal as a therapist is to learn to love yourself, because if you can do this, it will be much easier to help others do the same. Here is the real taboo that isn’t often talked about in these terms by therapists because there is a danger of it sounding trite: We heal our patients by acting lovingly toward them in a particular way, and we cannot show someone love and acceptance if we don’t know how to love ourselves.

To give you an example, much of therapy involves helping people to digest their anger in a way that’s more productive. It is common for a patient to get angry with a therapist in this process, even say attacking things towards them. If the therapist is overly insecure, they will be much more likely to attack back, which obviously can cause problems. Just like in a relationship with a spouse or one’s child, love often takes the form of not retaliating, but digesting the anger and trying to do something useful with it, rather than collapsing or retaliating.

I would call that a form of love, albeit one that isn’t often thought about as love. Being verbally attacked is surely not what people picture when they imagine becoming a therapist, but if the therapist can find a way to digest what it means that the patient is angry, and feed that back to them in a way they can hear, such moments can be transformative.

6. What do you love about being a therapist?

What I love most about being a therapist is hard to put into words, because I think it involves some of the most profound aspects of being human, and we don’t have words for all of that. But I will say that it has something to do with the deep sense of connection I feel to my patients, and the joy that I feel when I see a patient begin to connect with their true selves in ways they have never done before. You can feel them come alive, and it is truly breathtaking. These moments make all the difficult stuff very worth it, and make me feel truly lucky to be doing the work that I do.

7. What’s the best advice you can offer to readers on leading a meaningful life?

M. Scott Peck said, “If you pursue happiness, you might be disappointed. If you pursue love, happiness will follow.” As I have already said, learning how to love others starts with learning how to love yourself, and that is an ability that’s really hard to learn through books or by yourself. In other words, it often requires therapy.

Also, learning how to appreciate the small things in life and be grateful for what you have is vital to feeling satisfied. This has been described in many ways by many authors, but is connected to the idea of being present to your immediate experience of the world, for inside you and outside of you.

In sum: Try to be present, concentrate on being able to be fully yourself, and on having satisfying relationships in your life. If you find any of these too difficult to do on your own, which most people do at some point, find a good therapist!

8. If you had your schooling and career choice to do all over again, would you choose the same professional path? If not, what would you do differently and why?

I would probably choose the same path. I think that I underestimated how much meaning I could get from other careers when I first started out. But it’s hard to imagine myself doing anything else, especially since being in the field has changed who I am for the better.

I think it would have been impossible to know the changes that would come about in the field as a whole, such as the need to market on the internet, etc., but which have changed the field a great deal. I still would have done the same thing, I believe, but I would have taken a business class or marketing much earlier.

Many therapists are good at helping people, but have trouble earning a living for themselves. I was one of them, but I’ve learned that we can’t help our patients if we don’t take care of ourselves.

9. If there’s one thing you wished your clients knew about treatment or mental illness, what would it be?

I try to tell them the things that I wish they knew if I feel it is helpful, but what I try to help them really absorb is that it is their illness or neurosis that causes them to feel that they aren’t enough. It’s not reality.

Many people also believe that they shouldn’t have mental illness because it is “just in their head” as if that means they should have control over it, when in fact we are in control of only a small portion, albeit an important portion, of what goes on in our heads.

To accept that their suffering is not their fault is a huge relief for patients. It’s hard enough to suffer from mental illness without beating yourself up or feeling shame for suffering. However, beating yourself up is also often part of the mental illness, which some patients have a hard time letting go of, for various reasons.

10. What personally do you do to cope with stress in your life?

I like to laugh, so comedy in all forms is really important in my life. I even use it in my work, when appropriate. I am on a soccer team with friends, which is really helpful to me, because it gets my body moving and inspires me to keep in shape so I don’t collapse on the field!

It’s also a social outlet and kind of a meditative exercise for me. I play goalkeeper, and when I’m in goal, I can’t think about anything else besides what’s in front of me: the ball, the players, and the field. Even the wind is important to take into account at times, so it really puts me in touch with my surroundings and gets me out of my head, which is important after a week of sitting and listening. I think anything that can take us out of our heads for a little while can be very valuable.

Last but not least, I try to minimize distractions when I’m with my friends and family so that I can enjoy the heck out of them. Over the years, I have learned to be more fully myself in all contexts, which is related to being able to be present. Life is not as stressful if you’re not trying to be someone more than you are. That doesn’t mean you don’t make mistakes and learn from them; it just means that it’s possible to take your flaws into account, and still feel important and lovable.

Again, learning to really feel love for yourself is the work of therapy and I think the key to leading a life that is as happy and stress-free as possible.



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I Really Want to Be Kidnapped & Want to Know about ‘Theverything’ Issue

I want to be kidnapped. I don’t think this is normal thing to want. I would like to know if this is a sign of a mental issue, or if I’m crazy or any information you might have about my information.

A. You are correct. It is not normal to want to be kidnapped. It may indicate that you are feeling especially neglected or unloved by your caregivers. It would suggest that something might be wrong, but I don’t have enough information to know what it could be.

People who desire to be harmed often have emotional problems. They are suffering. It could be that they are depressed or don’t feel like they are loved or cared about by others. Wanting to be kidnapped is akin to wanting to go to prison. The underlying desire is to ensure that others pay attention and show you that they care. People who feel loved don’t have a desire for bad things to happen to them. People who don’t feel loved might be willing to do desperate things in order to feel that they are loved.

You also mentioned wanting to know about “theeverything issue.” That is not something with which I am familiar. If you would like to write back and provide more information I may be able to help.

I would highly recommend consulting a mental health professional, in person. You didn’t mention your family situation in your question, but you might want to start by asking for their assistance in consulting a professional. If that’s not an option, then ask a trusted family friend or a school official for help.

Psychological problems are amenable to treatment. Don’t wait to seek help. The longer you wait, the more you may suffer. Certainly, suffering should be avoided. Mental health treatment is the easiest way to fix this problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle



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Letting Go of the Past: Why Memories Remain Painful Over Time

Why memories hurt

When an experience is recorded as a memory, it goes through the emotional and cognitive filters, assumptions and interpretations of the person. This is one of the reasons why different people can have quite different recollections of an event they all witnessed.

As records, memories are not a great problem even if they do not accurately reflect the experience. It is the emotional charge of a memory that makes it so potent. For example, events that do not invoke any particular emotion (passing strangers in the street) do not create significant memories. But if an event involves harm, pain, distress, anger or other strong feelings, the memory and the feelings associated with it will be stored as one.

The emotional charge of a memory comes mostly from the stories we tell ourselves about a difficult experience. One person might say, Well, it happened and although it hurt me, I can’t do much about it now. Better get on with things and deal with the new situation. Another person, on the opposite end of the spectrum, might say, It’s a catastrophe, I’m totally devastated and will never recover from this, ever.

What effect will their memories have on their lives? Neither of the two people will likely forget what happened. But for one person it will be the factual record of a difficult time while for the other it will remain as emotionally charged as the actual experience and keep them trapped in suffering.

Memories are not fixed

Memories are like video and audio recordings that can be modified, enhanced, played louder or softer, rearranged, edited, with special effects added, reissued in new versions. The facts of an event cannot be changed but the emotional charge of a painful memory can be ‘edited’ by facing the emotions associated with it and changing the stories you tell yourself about the event..

Some people need time to get into the right headspace before they can deal with things. Perhaps you have heard someone say, I can’t deal with this right now; or, I am not ready to face it. It is sensible to take charge of your own rate of progress, even it means switching off temporarily.

But when avoidance becomes ingrained and maintained by self-destructive behaviours, the emotional darkness of a memory needs to be transformed. Instead of trying to outrun the memory and its associated pain, a light needs to be shone on it until the emotional charge dissipates and a calmer recollection of the experience is possible.

Disarm painful memories

Be mindful of your inner state as you apply any of the strategies below. Temporary discomfort and distress may be inevitable but usually recedes as you stay with the feeling, experience and acknowledge it rather than fighting or trying to suppress it. However, if you fall into a pit of such despair that it overwhelms your own coping abilities, do not continue. Professional help may be needed.

If you choose to proceed, do so at a time and place that allow privacy without distractions. Some people go to a place of significance in the original painful event that triggers the emotions associated with their memory. Do it your way – whatever that is. Proceed at a pace comfortable to you and take time out from your inner work as needed.

Work with the body.  

In this technique you are not addressing the memory and its emotional charge directly. You work indirectly through the body. The memory will remain but your body’s reaction to the memory can be changed.

Recall the memory. Feel the place in your body where that memory affects you the most. Focus on that part, let it soften and gently breathe into it until the tension or discomfort  recede. When that part feels better, again tune into the memory and find another place where the memory affects your body. Repeat as many times as needed. The process will be complete when you can recall the memory calmly or it now seems far away.

Watch a movie of the event.

This strategy uses imagination and visualization. If you find that difficult, do it in your thoughts. When ready, close your eyes and imagine (think) watching yourself in a movie. See (think) yourself as if performing on a screen, safe and okay in a situation before the traumatic experience. Then start the film of the event as you remember it. See what happened, how you and other people acted and anything else that deeply affected you.

You might cry or feel other intense emotions. Let them be but don’t get drawn into them. Just sit and watch it all unfold on-screen. At the end, imagine (think) the film being rewound at very fast speed to the safe starting point, i.e. return to the situation when you were okay. Let your emotions settle and realize the event has not destroyed everything. You still have a life right now and ahead of you. You may be different to before the experience, but you are okay.

Tell your story.

Journalling, writing a book, giving lectures, presenting workshops can neutralize painful memories and have a cathartic effect in the storyteller’s life.

Final words

There are other ways of working with memories. How have you been able to diminish your painful recollections? Or would one of the above strategies work for you?



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Cognitive reappraisal in frontal cortex underlies placebo analgesia.

Interesting work from van der Meulen et al.:
Placebo analgesia (PA) depends crucially on the prefrontal cortex (PFC), which is assumed to be responsible for initiating the analgesic response. Surprisingly little research has focused on the psychological mechanisms mediated by the PFC and underlying PA. One increasingly accepted theory is that cognitive reappraisal—the reinterpretation of the meaning of adverse events—plays an important role, but no study has yet addressed the possible functional relationship with PA. We studied the influence of individual differences in reappraisal ability on PA and its prefrontal mediation. Participants completed a cognitive reappraisal ability task, which compared negative affect evoked by pictures in a reappraise versus a control condition. In a subsequent fMRI session, PA was induced using thermal noxious stimuli and an inert skin cream. We found a region in the left dorsolateral PFC, which showed a positive correlation between placebo-induced activation and (i) the reduction in participants’ pain intensity ratings; and (ii) cognitive reappraisal ability scores. Moreover, this region showed increased placebo-induced functional connectivity with the periaqueductal grey, indicating its involvement in descending nociceptive control. These initial findings thus suggest that cognitive reappraisal mechanisms mediated by the dorsolateral PFC may play a role in initiating pain inhibition in PA.


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Tips for Supervision Services as a BCBA

BCBA’s (Board Certified Behavior Analysts) often find themselves in situations where they will be supervising others including supervising the services provided by BCaBA’s (Assistant Board Certified Behavior Analysts) or those of RBT’s (Registered Behavior Technicians) or maybe those of students in the process of becoming credentialed as a BCBA.

Here are some steps BCBA’s should consider when providing supervision of others.

  • BCBAs who provide supervision of the services provided by others are responsible for all cases of their own as well as those the BCBA is supervising.
  • The BCBA must be familiar with all cases that their supervisees are in charge of in order to provide effective supervision and training.
  • With consideration of the credential level and responsibilities of the supervisee, supervision should include training on all aspects of the ABA Service Delivery model including:
    • Assessment
    • Plan Development
    • Training
    • Plan Implementation
    • Monitoring and Evaluation
    • Plan Revision
  • RBT’s only need to be trained on training and plan implementation while BCaBAs and BCBAs in training will need training on all steps in the delivery model.
  • BCBA’s must prioritize graphing to get accurate data and to be able to provide effective feedback and recommendations. BCBA’s should make sure that their supervisees provide quality graphs of skill acquisition and behavior reduction plans.
  • If a BCBA is unable to provide quality and effective supervision and provide enough oversight of all cases they are in charge of as well as the cases that their supervisees oversee, the BCBA should consider decreasing their caseload or re-evaluating their time commitments as it is very important to be able to provide optimal supervision for the sake of the supervisee, the client, and also the BCBA him or herself.
  • BCBA’s must only supervise or work in their area of competence.
  • BCBA’s may delegate tasks to their supervisees but should only delegate tasks the BCBA has trained their supervisee in as well as only those tasks that the supervisee can ethically complete.

image credit: nd3000 via Fotalia

Reference: BACB. Behavior Analyst Certification Board. Supervision Requirements.



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Sunday 30 July 2017

How Do I Stop Hating My Sister?

From the U.S.: Like flipping a switch my hate for my 17year old sister FLARES. I am the oldest of three kids. I was the “perfect child” who the parents can forever brag on, however the parents were very strict.

That is not the case with my sister. She gets average grades, does not do chores and is extremely disrespectful. My parents allow this behavior. I always complain that she is in charge of their household.

It disgusts me that they show such “weakness” and do not punish her for the attitude! Instead, when she says (for example) “That sucks the dog is hungry, I’m not feeding the dog. Im having friends over to swim” (does not have to do a chore AND TELLS the parents what she is going to do.

I see RED. This is not healthy. I want to punish her so i think this is my way of doing so – hating her and pretending she is dead to me. How do I fix this. I hate being like this but I can’t shut it off.

A: I can’t help but wonder why you hate your sister so much when your parents are the problem. They have raised her to behave this way! She’s still a self-centered teen. Eventually, she will ask the same question. But for now, she is getting away with what she can as a way to prove that she is her own person. It’s not attractive, but it is typical.

Why not try to have a talk with your parents? Is there a secret that makes them want to coddle your sister? Have they just run out of steam? Do they need help for parenting a child who is so different from you?

You are old enough to get past petty sibling rivalry and to ask questions instead of making accusations. it sounds to me like they need help, not recriminations. If that’s the case, only you can decide if you are the person most able to provide the help or whether you want to recommend that they talk to a therapist or another helpful resource.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie



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Book Review: Finally Out

There are many things that make life challenging for homosexual men, and coming out is certainly one of them. However, coming out late in life has its own unique set of challenges.

In his new book, Finally Out: Letting Go Of Living Straight, Loren A. Olsen draws upon his own experiences as a self-described late-blooming gay man and psychiatrist who often treats men like himself. His book explores the question: Why do some mature men find it so difficult to come out?

“All memories are but reconstructions, but what I can affirm without qualification or reservation is that, until I was forty, I had no idea I was gay. Before that, I suffered from a sense that things weren’t quite right inside me,” writes Olsen.

Like many homosexual men, Olsen struggled with a disconnect between his rational thought (that men should love women) and his feeling thought (that he is attracted to men). It is this feeling of being somehow different that often supports the inner conflict that gay men face.

Yet, despite this feeling of differentness, many gay men live a straight life for years before ever coming out. 53.4 percent of the gay men Olsen surveyed during his own research had been married to women before. And according to a 2006 study of men in New York City which was published in Annals of Internal Medicine, nearly 10 percent of “working class” and immigrant men who labeled themselves heterosexual reported having sex with other men.

The fallout of this disparity – created by the conflict between who they are and who they think they should be – is self-hatred.

“Sexuality is far more complex than body parts. It includes sexual fantasy, sexual behavior, sexual preference, sexual orientation, and sexual identity; it also includes emotionality and romance. At times, these forces contradict each other even within the same individual,” writes Olsen.

What is often misunderstood – due to what Olsen calls “willful ignorance” – is that gay men are born and not made. Pointing to the fact that in identical twins, if one twin is gay, a much greater likelihood exists that the other twin is gay than in the case of fraternal twins, he describes homosexuality as a result of multifactorial inheritance. According to Olsen, when a genetic predisposition combines with the right environmental conditions, certain traits – like homosexuality – can develop.

In Olsen’s case, it was his father’s death – which he witnessed at the age of three – and the lack of a role model that laid the foundation for his feelings of being an unfinished man.

Yet from religious condemnation, to moral and social shaming, to being denied health insurance coverage, there are many reasons for a gay man to remain closeted.

“As a mature gay man with a same-sex attraction, despite being well liked in my heterosexual community, I barricaded myself emotionally,” writes Olsen.

Holding on to the secret of being gay, however, is much worse.

“Secrets are like abscesses waiting to be lanced so the pain will disappear,” writes Olsen.

Coming out then, is often a matter of not just facing secrets, but also of letting go of the idea that you should be someone, or something that someone else has constructed for you.

Three helpful steps that Olsen offers are: take control of the ideal self and make it your own; learn to see yourself as you are, avoid exaggerated self-criticism; and look inside yourself for strength and confidence.

Coming out at a later stage may also coincide with midlife. As one looks back upon life finding the shame, stigma and secrecy no longer appealing or even possible, he may want to explore a greater range of social, and even sexual roles that are complex, ambiguous and uncertain. It is also here that men often confront the stage that Erik Erikson called “integrity vs. despair,” asking themselves if it is possible to find integrity rather than despair in a new life as a gay man?

Yet midlife, Olsen says, is also a time to grow. Men in their sixties report sexual satisfaction comparable to men in their forties, and confront – and ultimately shatter – the stereotypes of what it means to be gay. As

“What I discovered as I grew older was that I had made two false assumptions – that I am powerless, and that others had unlimited power over me. I discovered that the meaning I was looking for was in fact within me,” writes Olsen.

Filled with insightful research, powerful examples, and a compelling narrative, Finally Out is a much needed resource for gay men – one that informs, inspires, and ultimately encourages gay men to claim their rightful place as respectable members of society.

Finally Out: Letting Go Of Living Straight
Loren A. Olsen MD
Oak Lane Press (2017)
Softcover, 260 Pages



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Shame: Identify It, Heal It, and Leave It Behind

You don’t have to feel this way forever.

Everyone has experienced shame at some point in their lives. But not everyone is aware that the emotion is there until it creeps up to the surface in the form of panic, anxiety, depression or other negative feelings and behaviors.

Shame can be the hidden flaw you don’t notice until it’s too late.

8 Ways To Release Your Shame — And Make Room For Love

In that moment, you ask yourself: How long has this thing been here? You wonder if anyone saw it — or worse — did people judged you for it? You quickly retrace your steps wondering where and how it happened, all the while wishing you could have prevented the problem in the first place.

Like a stain on your shirt, shame can go unnoticed. And like a stain, how you respond to shame can make or break your chance to save the day. Do you beat yourself up over it, or shrug your shoulders, laugh and love yourself the same?

For some people, self-love is complicated, and even the tiniest mistake can trigger feelings of low self-esteem.

But what if you have carried shame with you your entire life? Can low self-esteem sabotage success, in the fear of being an imposter, poisoned by the shame of feeling like you’ll never be good enough?

Knowing it’s there, and feeling like you can’t get rid of it, may make you feel hopeless. What do you do then?

We asked YT Experts to help us with identifying shame and how to remove even the deepest roots shame grows in a person’s life. Here are three pieces of advice that they offered on how to deal with shame by identifying it, healing it, and moving on to find true happiness:

1. Learn to Trust Your Feelings.

“When you think that you shouldn’t do or say something, especially when it’s not hurtful to you or others, you can ask yourself ‘where did I learn to think like this?’

You may be repeating expectations from society or your past. You can sieve the particles and let go of those that obstruct you from being who you are and want to be.”

Sarah Bilodeau is a Dramatherapist.

2. Let Go of the Past.

“Shame is a form of self-condemnation and un-forgiveness of yourself. Let’s get it right! The first way to identify, heal, and banish your shame, is to get over people! In a world that condemns, punishes, and yes, promotes shame, this can be hard to do. Think about it: get stop letting others determine your value and worth.

You are human. Everyone has something that they may be ashamed about. Love yourself. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself. These are the first things you must do to identify and banish shame.

Secondly, forgive yourself and others that may have been the cause of the shame you are experiencing. You will never rid yourself of the guilt you feel until you learn how to forgive and be forgiven. You are worthy of being loved. Love is unconditional. Love takes no account of a suffered wrong.

If you are struggling with shame, reach out to a trusted and wise counselor. Being able to talk about your situation with someone can help you work through identification of the root cause of the shame so that you can move towards healing.”

Cheryl Magee is an author, speaker, and Certified Gallup Coach as she leads her company Synergy@Work, LLC. 

The Sneaky Ways Shame Affects Your Happiness

3. Know What to Look for, So You Can Identify Shame When It Comes Up.

“Some of the symptoms shame causes:

  • Lack of confidence.
  • Inability to have orgasms.
  • Fear of embarrassment / failure / rejection.
  • Feeling unloved / unsupported / alone.

The unconscious mind links all events, where shame was felt, together. Healing comes when the first event of shame is found, completely examined and turned.

Step 1: Learn everything there is to learn to release all negative emotions connected to that first event.

Step 2: Write down the opposite beliefs that you would like to replace shame with. Step 3: Create a symbol/picture that represents everything learned in step 1 as well as the positive replacement statements written in step 2.

To banish feelings of shame, look at each event you’ve experienced shame THROUGH the symbol/picture created in step 3.”

– Elsa Cronje is a Master NLP Practitioner and Transformation Coach at Take a Leap Coaching. Let her help YOU find your wings and teach you how to fly!

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Identify, Heal & Banish Your Deepest Shame.



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This Eye Colour Linked to Being More Competitive, Egocentric And Skeptical

Eye colour could reveal an aspect of your personality, study finds.

• Try one of PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:



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Our Human Chain

Perhaps you’ve read about the recent uplifting story of a family who became caught in a riptide in Panama City, Florida. Two brothers were struggling approximately 300 feet from shore, and when their mother, grandmother, and others swam out to try to save them, they got caught up in the swirling water as well.

After searching for helpful items such as rope, which was nowhere to be found, some bystanders came up with the idea to create a human chain so they could reach the drowning people. Quickly, 80 people became entwined and, along with a swimmer who used a boogie board and a surfboard to aid those rescued, brought everyone to shore. The grandmother suffered a heart attack while in the water, and at this writing is still hospitalized. Everyone else survived physically unscathed. The consensus is, without the human chain, those caught in the riptide would have died.

Wow. What a story. After I wiped away my tears, I couldn’t help thinking of what a metaphor this event was for what we all need and how we should live our lives.

We need each other. There’s no two ways about it.

I have been a mental health advocate and writer for almost ten years now, and so much of what I’ve researched and learned points to the same conclusion — loneliness, isolation, and a general feeling of not belonging can lead to depression and other illnesses. Those who suffer from brain disorders but feel loved, supported, and connected to others, are more likely to fare better in regards to overall prognosis.

We just can’t do it alone. And we shouldn’t have to.

Think about what happened on that beach. Strangers – 80 of them – doing the right thing. Probably not thinking twice about it. And it wasn’t that difficult because they were all holding on to each other. It wasn’t one person running in and risking his or her life – it was a group of people, holding each other up, and connecting easily to help those who were in danger.

Isn’t this what we should all be doing every day of our lives? Lifting each other up? When someone we care about, or even someone we barely know, is suffering, let’s not turn the other way but rather ask, “Are you okay? What can I do to help you?” It’s easy to do, and it likely matters more than most of us can imagine. And because suffering isn’t always visible, let’s try to give others the benefit of the doubt, and just be kind. Maybe the “rude” cashier at the supermarket just lost her mother to cancer. We just don’t know what is going on in other people’s lives.

After the rescue, all the human chain “links” clapped and cheered. And then they disbanded and continued on with their own lives. I’m not sure why, but this is my favorite part of the story. Perhaps it’s because it shows that helping others (while not always as dramatic as this human chain) doesn’t have to be a big deal and is easy to incorporate into our daily lives. Really, it’s simple. The beachgoers reached out – literally – when needed, did what they needed to do to save those swimmers, and then moved on. Their lives were barely disrupted.

While most of us will never be part of a human chain that rescues a group of people, we can all do our part, in many different ways, to keep each other from drowning.



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Friend Has Eating Disorder and Cutting Herself. Her Family Is Not Taking It Seriously, Some Are Encouraging It

My good friend informed me she has an eating disorder, and has been counting and consuming very little calories. She has almost been able to throw up her food, and I found out she has been cutting her breast and wrist with nail clippers secretly, and she told me she gets frustrated when she does not see blood. (her parents don’t know about the cutting, but they know about the eating problem) My friend’s parents are not taking this seriously, often brushing her eating problem off as nothing, and her Grandma is encouraging the calorie counting starvation diet, saying it is great, and my friend needs to do it to look better, when, in truth, my friend is already a healthy size, and quite thin! My friend feels extreme pressure, and I am really worried. She is 14, and will be attending a dance school in NYC alone at the age of 16, and I want to get her help before it is too late. I also discovered she has been to a councilor, but is still doing everything I listed, and maybe more.

What can I do to get her the help she needs, and to boost her confidence of her self image?

A: I have a high regard for friendship and your desire to help your friend. However, she is in need of professional help, and your job can be to encourage her to stay connected to her counselor. The most direct way is for you to talk to your school counselor about what you’ve been told and what you notice. This is important because her condition is now affecting you, and the counselor can help both of you. You can also offer to go with your friend to her counselor, or write out your concerns and ask her to share your list with her therapist.

There are also good blogs with information on dancing and eating disorders you can pass on to your friend (like this one http://ift.tt/2viP9cB), or make her aware of the eating disorder forum here at Psych Central. Here is another resource on cutting she may find useful.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral



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What True Love Looks Like

Every society in the world praises the value of love. Love takes us beyond self-centeredness and motivates us to connect meaningfully with another. Yet, too often, the secular ideal of love emphasizes being loved, or at least on receiving love in reciprocation for the love one gives.

In Hebrew, “the word for love — ahavah — includes the Aramaic word hav, which means ‘Give!’ (And the initial letter alef makes it mean, ‘I will give.’) Loving…is not so much receiving, as giving — oneself, and making sacrifices for others.”

Romantic novels, movies, and fairytales can confuse us about love. They glorify love at first sight, which rarely leads to a fulfilling marriage, because it is usually based on fantasy. Yes, there are couples who fell in love right away, married quickly, and it worked out fine. However, Allison’s experience is more common.

Allison’s Story

Allison, in her mid-twenties, looks like a breezy blond cover girl. She met Jim on a dating site. She was so charmed by him in person that instead of sensibly limiting their first date to not more than a couple of hours, she agreed to an all-day date that included a six hour round trip drive to a  scenic location.  

They left early and returned to her place exhausted around one in the morning. She said he could share her bed but without sex. Their next couple of dates did include sex. Allison was in love but with a fantasy. He loved recreational sex, not her. Their “relationship” quickly evolved into his texting her when he felt like “hooking-up.”  She was heartbroken.

It hadn’t occurred to Allison to find out before getting intimate physically what kind of relationship Jim was looking for, or to know what kind she wanted, until her disappointment showed her what she didn’t want.  

How Not to Fall Crazy in Love

Many of us can relate to Allison’s story because it’s so easy to fantasize. Do you think it’s natural to fall in love? Why suppress what happens naturally? But if you’re looking for a lasting, fulfilling relationship, why set yourself up for likely disappointment?

Many marriage minded women, like Allison, get involved too quickly. They confuse sex with love. Hormones have a way of doing that. Such women may believe the relationship is serious and then they find out that the man is there for no-strings-attached intimacy. They may continue to repeat their mistake in future relationships and become cynical about men and marriage because it never works out.

A wise woman uses common sense. Before considering becoming physically intimate, she learns what kind of relationship both she and a man want. If he says he hopes to marry, she takes her time to learn if they’re likely to be compatible in the long run, and to see if she likes the real him—his values and interests; and his strengths, weaknesses, endearing and annoying habits.

What True Love Looks Like

Arlyn’s parents showed her what true love looks like. “They were always there for each other,” she says. “What I learned from my dad was to be nice to my mother. When she came downstairs dressed up, but late, to go out with him, he wasn’t critical of her for being late. He’s say, ‘Oh, Mollie, you look lovely.’ He always complimented her.

“Not that they never argued,” she adds. “Sometimes they’d snap at each other. Like when they came home from playing bridge. One might say to the other, ‘I can’t believe you played that card’ But it was always a love story. They knew every relationship has ups and downs but they were always there for each other.”

The Lubavitcher Rebbe, Menachem Mendel Schneerson, gave this explanation of love. He said what you read in novels “is not necessarily what happens in real life. It’s not as if two people meet and there is a sudden, blinding storm of passion. That’s not what love or life is, or should be about. Rather, he said, two people meet and there might be a glimmer of understanding, like a tiny flame. An then, as these people decide to build a home together…and go through the everyday activities and daily tribulations of life, this little flame grows even brighter and develops into a much bigger flame until these two people…become intertwined to such a point that neither of them can think of life without the other…” He said, “It’s the small acts that you do on a daily basis that turn two people from a ‘you and I’ into an ‘us.’”



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How to Effectively Deal with Self-Defeating Thoughts

We usually don’t realize we have them and yet they are powerful enough to dictate our decisions. They are powerful enough to steer our lives in specific directions, directions that may not be supportive or healthy, directions that may not lead to a fulfilling life. They become the lens through which we see ourselves. And all we see is negative.

Self-defeating thoughts are “automatic and habitual, slightly below our consciousness,” said Barbara Sapienza, Ph.D, a retired psychologist and novelist. These thoughts tell “us we are not good enough, worthy or deserving of being happy, causing us to lose our determination to move forward toward our potential.”

Self-defeating thoughts take on many different faces and forms.

For instance, Sapienza shared these examples: “If I am assertive, he will leave me.” “If I get that job, she will feel bad.” “I am unlovable, and therefore no one will want me.” “If I’m too loud, I’ll be abandoned.” “If I speak up, I will spoil it for her.”

According to Maine clinical psychologist Mary Plouffe, Ph.D, if you’re looking for a job, and self-defeating thoughts start to arise, they might sound like: “I’ll never get the job, so it’s foolish to apply. If they choose someone else, I’ll be humiliated and everyone will think I’m a loser. If I fail again, I might as well give up. I can’t stand the feeling of trying and losing. If I don’t get it, it was a mistake to try.”

According to Brooklyn-based psychotherapist Rena Staub Fisher, LCSW, other examples include: “I’m not good, smart, rich, pretty, etc., enough.” “I have to earn someone else’s approval to feel OK about myself.” “If people really get to know me, they won’t like me.”

The Origin of Self-Defeating Thoughts

Self-defeating thoughts stem from infancy. Which is when we make assessments to ensure our safety and to protect our loved ones, the very people we depend on for sustenance, said Sapienza, author of Anchor Out: A Novel. This is how children start to believe they’re responsible for family trauma, like illness, divorce and death—and carry these beliefs into adulthood, she said.

“When I was a child I cried incessantly and drove my poor mother nuts,” Sapienza said. “She was not equipped for this crying infant. According to my grandmother, she threw me across the room onto the couch. I stopped crying. As a graduate student, my supervisors often told me my voice was timid. Did I begin to learn, then as an infant, to squelch my needs to protect the important dyad?”

Our families also provide templates for navigating the world. For instance, your well-meaning parents might’ve taught you that: “The world is a pretty dangerous place, you should stay close to home and avoid what is unfamiliar,” and “You are not ________ enough to handle the world,” said Plouffe, author of I Know It In My Heart: Walking through Grief with a Child.

This is different from the template or attitude that the world comes with challenges, and you already have, or can develop, the ability to handle these challenges and be resilient when you fail, she said.

In other words, “If our parents are terrified to let us spread our wings, we grow up believing we don’t have what it takes to fly.”

In addition to messages from our families, we, of course, absorb messages from our society. “An indirect but insidious message for many has been, ‘Don’t be needy,’” said Fisher, also a blogger. Because our culture values and glorifies self-reliance, being needy is seen as shameful. (It’s not. All of us have needs, and that’s a good thing.) Which translates to: “Your natural way of being is not OK; to be acceptable you must be different from the way you are,” she said.

Self-defeating thoughts can be very convincing. We interpret them as cold, hard facts that encapsulate our true nature. But, thankfully, we can work on diminishing them, on not letting them rule our lives.

Spotting Self-Defeating Thoughts

The first step is to identify these thoughts. Plouffe noted that self-defeating thoughts can include the words “always” or “never”: “I’ll never recover.” They’re generalized statements: “I failed so I’m a failure.” They’re extremely pessimistic: “Nothing good could come out of trying.” They’re hopeless: “There’s nothing I can do about this.”

“Self-defeating thoughts tend to make us feel small, unworthy, ashamed and closed off,” Fisher said. She shared another way to identify these thoughts. Ask yourself: “How do I feel, emotionally and physically, as I experience this thought? Is this thought giving me energy or taking it away?” If you feel yourself shrinking, then it’s unhelpful self-criticism, instead of constructive self-reflection, she said.

Sapienza suggested free-spirited journaling, like Julia Cameron’s morning pages. After each journal entry, underline the sentences that are self-defeating, she said. (Also, underline the sentences “that bring joy and intention for freedom in moving toward our true nature, creating more sustaining life choices.”)

Fisher recommended writing down your self-defeating thoughts on a piece of paper and replacing the word “I” with “You.” This helps you get some distance from these thoughts. She stressed the importance of realizing that self-critical thoughts “do not come from our truest, deepest selves.” Again, they stem from the parts that have internalized messages from others. “Often, these parts are in need of our attention and healing.”

Once you’ve identified the self-defeating thoughts you tend to have, pay attention to when you experience them, Fisher said. This helps you figure out what situations and people trigger them, she said.

Transforming Self-Defeating Thoughts

Plouffe suggested transforming self-defeating thoughts into more constructive, useful thoughts. To do so, consider these questions: “Would I say that to anyone else I wanted to support? If not, why am I saying it to myself? Is there anything useful that can come out of my holding onto this thought? If not, how can I transform it into something I can use to help me? Does it reflect the truth or just my worst fears about myself and the world?”

For instance, Plouffe said, you might change the thought, “If I fail again, I might as well give up. I can’t stand the feeling of trying and losing,” to “If I fail again, it will hurt for sure. But I’m building resilience, and getting better at the rough and tumble out there. Plus, I might learn what I need to improve.”

Similarly, instead of seeing things as black and white or success/fail, broaden your perspective. Plouffe prefers the idea of a “success continuum.” She shared this example of taking on a project at work: “Is it a success if I show my boss how willing I am to take on a challenge? Is it a success if I meet others in the organization I want to get to know? Is it a success if the project fails but I get to show my ambition and integrity (or maybe my super math skills)?”

You also might evaluate what happens if you decline the project: “If my boss has faith in me, and I don’t take this on, will he doubt my self-confidence?  How will I feel if the next person does no better at it than I would have? How will I feel if I let fear or uncertainty alone make my decision? Taking on my fears, and challenging my uncertainty is a success for me, no matter the outcome.”

Seeking Support

Fisher has found that changing self-defeating thoughts can be hard, which is why she suggested seeking support. “We tend to need a safe, supportive and kind person—a friend, a coach, a mental health professional, or a clergy person—to help us identify the erroneous beliefs we are carrying without even realizing it.”

Self-defeating thoughts convince you that you are deeply deficient and undeserving. They convince you that not only will you fail, but when you do, it’ll be too terrible to manage so you shouldn’t even try, Plouffe said. But this doesn’t mean that you’re doomed or stuck or shackled to these supposed truths (which are anything but true). Rather, you can identify them. You can name them. And you can work through them so they don’t stop you from living the life you want to live.



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Voice, Not a Bad One But a Voice & Controller that Makes Me Do Things

I have a voice or something in my head that makes me act in certain ways to seem like I’m a certain person or to influence a situation to be a certain way. Often times i don’t know if my mental break downs are real or if they’re just staged by her for some reason or another to influence another part of my life or a situation around me i feel like it not me and i dont know which if either of us is real. my mom has the same thing but shes learned to live with it but no one else i know has it and i cant find any type of similar disorder.

A. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both you and your mother are having the same unusual experiences. It might suggest that a psychological disorder is present. Some psychological disorders are thought to be partly hereditary. The other possibility is that she may be inadvertently modeling certain behaviors that you have adopted.

I don’t have enough information to know what is wrong. The fact that you have “mental breakdowns” would suggest that a psychological disorder may be present but more information is needed. Your symptoms require an evaluation by a mental health professional. Ask your mother to assist you. Hopefully, she will be open to consulting professionals. If not, there may be other trusted adults in your life who can help you to acquire professional assistance.

School resumes typically in late August or early September. If your mother is not open to consulting a professional, then speak to the school guidance counselor or another trusted faculty member about your symptoms. They will assist you in finding professional help. A counselor will evaluate your symptoms, determine what might be wrong and develop a plan to resolve the issue. Once treatment begins, your will start to feel better and that should continue with each counseling session. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle



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Embracing Your Experiences: Make Some Memories

“Life is a tapestry woven by the decisions we make.” – Sherrilyn Kenyon

We can lament that life is short and be paralyzed with fear over making a mistake, or we can appreciate that we live and breathe today and can embrace life joyfully and with purpose. Acting upon our belief that life is worth living, and living well, we can then recognize that what we do today can both fulfill and sustain us. We must be bold and act without fear, even though we may stumble in some of our endeavors. Through it all, the rich detail of each experience creates memories to cherish and revisit, to share and be inspired by.

What is it about experience that contributes to memories? Are some experiences better than others for making an indelible imprint, a lasting impression? Granted, experience and memory are highly personal and vary from one individual to the next. Two people (or many) sharing the same experience results will have different memories of it. While it can be said that all experience is the foundation of memories, here are some broad categories that rise to the top of memory-producing experiences.

Shaping Experiences

Life growing up is a natural shaping experience. You learn and grow and become wiser for it. Sometimes the process is brutal, even cruel, while at other times the path forward seems to gently unfold without too much difficulty or veering off in the wrong direction. Still, the shaping experiences that most contribute to memories are the ones where you had to endure more than you thought yourself capable of, where you had to keep at it to make it through to the end. Choosing a difficult path, embarking on a seemingly impossible task, taking on more than you should at one time may show you what you’re made of in more ways than the successful completion of any single endeavor. Overcoming a deficit of a dysfunctional family, shepherding siblings where a parent or caregiver is absent, neglectful, addicted or abusive and emerging a caring, generous, loving, resourceful and determined adult is a stellar example of a shaping experience. The memories it creates may be bittersweet, yet they’re an integral part of who you are and what you’re capable of.

Celebratory Experiences

Weddings, birthdays, promotions, baptisms, confirmations, anniversaries, holidays, winning a prize or recognition — the list of celebratory experiences throughout the year and all of life provides endless opportunities for memories. Instead of thinking so hard about what kind of memories will result, live in the moment of the experience. Take it all in, the good and the bad, for life is a mixture of positive and negative, without which neither would be satisfactory.

Challenging Experiences

When you know that you’re in over your head and decide to accept a challenge anyway, this sets the stage for an experience you’re bound to remember. The stronger your motivation to succeed in the challenging experience, the more likely you’ll be to find clever, workable solutions to any problems you encounter along the way. If someone says you can’t succeed and you’re determined anyway to proceed, you’re taking on the challenge. Win or lose, you’re in it for the duration. Lessons learned will prove useful regardless of the outcome. You’ll not only benefit from the experience, you’ll also have added knowledge to call upon in the future.

Experiences Overcoming Hurdles

Not every plan proceeds without obstacles. Some hurdles seem Herculean, while others occur in a drip-drip-drip fashion that produce a cumulative effect bordering on failure, fostering the desire to quit for something easier and more quickly accomplished. The process of overcoming hurdles builds character, encourages innovation, stimulates problem-solving and allows for the acceptance of assistance from others. Such experiences are overflowing with opportunities for memories.

Discovery/Creation Experiences

Embarking on a trip to a foreign land, taking up painting or another creative endeavor, enrolling in a class or learning a skill or trade, even making the decision to take a scenic side trip or alternate route to a destination offer experiences different than what you’re used to, what may be more comfortable or expected. The unknown beckons. It’s human nature to be curious, to want to see where this road leads, to set off on an adventure. Consider that the family vacation is the typical way to explore unknown destinations, yet this metaphor applies to all discovery/creation experiences. Each can contribute to that rich tapestry of life that is rich in memories.

Human Connection Experiences

Perhaps the most intimate and earth-shattering experience of human connection is romantic love. Anyone who’s experienced it can attest to the fact that it’s something you never forget. All the intertwined moments, the anguish of being apart, the exquisite torture of being together in the expression of physical love and emotional closeness make romantic love unforgettable. Yet, other forms of human connection experiences are also the basis for memories. Hanging out with best friends, sharing times with family, working with colleagues, collaborating with classmates, enjoying activities with neighbors, meeting new people and helping others in need create their own kind of memorable human connection experiences, along with memories to cherish and share.



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