pi3: August 2019

Saturday 31 August 2019

What is Group Psychological Abuse?

It all begins with a group of people. This group is very tight such as found in could be a gang, work environment, cult, religious organization, political party, sorority/fraternity, or...

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I Got Tricked into Sex Work, Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe Me

I have been in a relationship with my best friend for five years. We are a great fit in all ways, but he frequently questions my integrity and his self-worth.
A few years ago, I took a high paying job as a personal assistant. We were living in a bad neighborhood and I jumped at the opportunity to make more money- without questioning the logistics. It ended up being a personal assistant to a pimp, arranging dates, managing money, and sending out ads for the girls. We talked about what my job would entail, and he was not happy with it, but agreed that we needed the money and it wouldn’t be forever.
A few months after I started, my boss forced me to do something not in my job description. In the situation, I feared for my life, so I obliged.
I didn’t show up for my shift the next day, hoping it would all just go away and I could find a different job quickly. I started receiving threatening phone calls. My boss demanded all the money he had paid me back ($20,000). He had a copy of my ID and social from the hiring process. He made it very clear that my life was in his hands.
I worked as a sex worker for a year and a half to pay him back in full. During that time, my boyfriend found out about it and understandably flipped out. Our marriage plans went out the window, I was forced out of our friend group, and was left to deal with the aftermath alone.
That was two years ago, and we are in a much better place now. But for him, marriage still isn’t on the table and his friends haven’t welcomed me back. He says that he often blames himself for not figuring it out sooner, and blames me for not coming to him for help. I try to explain to him that I was scared to involve anyone else for fear of what would happen to them, but he just doesn’t understand why I didn’t go to the cops. I’m afraid this occurrence will always be a stain on my relationship resume with him, and that he will only see his pain of feeling betrayed and cheated on, when that was not my intention. Can we work towards forgiveness? Or am I wasting my time? (From the USA)

There are several layers here, and I am very appreciative of your courage and resilience in discussing the issues. What is clear is that this isn’t a situation you alone got yourself into. Your boyfriend was very much part of the process and dynamics that got you into the dilemma in the first place. This wasn’t something you did on your own to benefit yourself.

There are three important questions here that you need to answer for yourself. First, is marriage what you want? Are you looking for that in your life at this time or is this relationship good enough for now. In other words, does the relationship you have with your boyfriend meet enough of your needs for now. If marriage is no longer a big deal for you then this might be okay enough.

Does your boyfriend’s unforgiveness knock him out of the running for a good long term partner? If you do want to get married does it feel as if your partner won’t be able to get over this? If marriage is what you want then let him know this in no uncertain terms. If he can’t forgive you and will hold resentment toward you then it is not worth going forward. He may feel that if he forgives you that he will lose his friends, or that he is settling rather than working through. But if he can’t get past this and you want to get married then you’ll have to let him know the relationship can’t go forward. In these terms, he can’t give you what you want and need.

Finally, I’d encourage you both to read this book Forgive For Good, and find a workshop specifically focused on forgiveness. In addition, you may want to find a couple’s counselor who can help the two of you work together on this.

There are two elements of forgiveness. There is forgiveness of the other and unforgiveness. The unforgiveness has little to do with the situation or another person. It has to do with the feelings you have that negatively ruminate about the situation. People can be unforgiving about someone who has passed on — or a situation that is long since dissolved but the bitterness remains.

Perhaps is a good place to start because your unforgiveness of yourself and your boyfriends lack of concern for you during that time may be beneath the whole situation. One way to break this cycle of unforgiveness is with self-compassion. As it’s essence self-compassion is being able to treat yourself like a good friend would treat you. Nurturing yourself in this way can ease the discomfort of the past — while setting the stage for not only being more tolerant of yourself and your boyfriend. Obviously, this works best when both of you work at this level.

Here is a brief video on self-compassion you may find interesting to help you connect with that part of yours or that needs nurturing.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Collection of Parent Training Articles from this Blog: Reflections on Applied Behavior Analysis

To make it easier to learn about ABA parent training, we are presenting a collection from this blog: Reflections on Applied Behavior Analysis. This collection includes a list of many...

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11 Social Skills for Teens with ASD

It can sometimes be difficult to identify which types of social skills to help youth with autism spectrum disorder to develop. When selecting social skills to target in intervention (such...

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I Got Tricked into Sex Work, Boyfriend Doesn’t Believe Me

I have been in a relationship with my best friend for five years. We are a great fit in all ways, but he frequently questions my integrity and his self-worth.
A few years ago, I took a high paying job as a personal assistant. We were living in a bad neighborhood and I jumped at the opportunity to make more money- without questioning the logistics. It ended up being a personal assistant to a pimp, arranging dates, managing money, and sending out ads for the girls. We talked about what my job would entail, and he was not happy with it, but agreed that we needed the money and it wouldn’t be forever.
A few months after I started, my boss forced me to do something not in my job description. In the situation, I feared for my life, so I obliged.
I didn’t show up for my shift the next day, hoping it would all just go away and I could find a different job quickly. I started receiving threatening phone calls. My boss demanded all the money he had paid me back ($20,000). He had a copy of my ID and social from the hiring process. He made it very clear that my life was in his hands.
I worked as a sex worker for a year and a half to pay him back in full. During that time, my boyfriend found out about it and understandably flipped out. Our marriage plans went out the window, I was forced out of our friend group, and was left to deal with the aftermath alone.
That was two years ago, and we are in a much better place now. But for him, marriage still isn’t on the table and his friends haven’t welcomed me back. He says that he often blames himself for not figuring it out sooner, and blames me for not coming to him for help. I try to explain to him that I was scared to involve anyone else for fear of what would happen to them, but he just doesn’t understand why I didn’t go to the cops. I’m afraid this occurrence will always be a stain on my relationship resume with him, and that he will only see his pain of feeling betrayed and cheated on, when that was not my intention. Can we work towards forgiveness? Or am I wasting my time? (From the USA)

Here is a brief video on self-compassion you may find interesting to help you connect with that part of yours or that needs nurturing.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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How to Reclaim Your Time and Put Breathing Room Back in Your Life

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

An unalterable fact of life is that there are only 24 hours in a day. Despite wishing time could be extended, go slower or faster, or be reversed, the physics involved in the construct of time do not allow such self-driven navigation. Whether you’re overwhelmed at work, home, school or elsewhere, trying to fit too many tasks and to-dos in an already full schedule, or so dismayed at your lack of progress that you want to give up, you can reclaim more time and put breathing room back in your life. Here’s how.

It’s a Matter of Reorganization

While you can’t add or subtract a few hours in your day, you can determine what’s necessary, desirable, advances your goals, or not. Once you figure out the projects, tasks, obligations and activities that are essential, do-able, help you be the best you can be and allow for spiritual, if not emotional, psychological and career growth, you can discover a spare hour or two you didn’t think you had. It all boils down to reorganization.

The core of reorganization involves prioritization, the deliberate and conscious act of assigning everything a place in the echelon of what must be done, what should be done, what can wait until later, what you want to do, and what you may need assistance to complete.

Map Out a Strategy

If there’s an overarching goal you want to achieve, or several, along with reorganizing what’s on your daily to-do list, you’ll benefit from taking the time to map out a strategy for how to get what you want. Look at all those items you’ve spent time putting higher or lower on your reorganization list and determine where, if at all, they fit in your long-term planning. Do they help you get closer to realizing your goal? Are they filler material, busywork, something that’s accumulated over time and now you’re expected to do? Or, do they challenge you to step up and go beyond your comfort zone, present you with opportunities to learn and gain or perfect a skill?

If your list of tasks, chores, projects and activities includes some that do nothing for your strategy to achieve your goal(s), eliminate them. You’ve automatically carved out some breathing room – assuming you aren’t pressured or forced to do some of those items by your boss, family obligations, or other outside influences.

Give Yourself a Day When You Schedule Nothing

Then, see where the day takes you. Granted, taking a day off and having absolutely nothing planned seems like the height of self-indulgence. Frankly, if you’re reaching the point of work burnout or are so in over your head that you’re not very effective at all, a day that’s a blank slate is probably just what you need. So, the day starts off with no activities planned. See how you feel. What do you want to do today? And, while you’re at it, contemplate when, if ever, you’ve given yourself such total freedom to do whatever you want? What you’ll find is that you’ll gravitate toward some nourishing and life-affirming activities, maybe engaging in long-unattended-to self-care, spending a few hours at a hobby you enjoy but haven’t had time to devote to, going for a walk, taking in a movie, visiting a café or coffeeshop with friends, planning a holiday vacation, even making yourself a meal that only you like.

Time is like water. It will find a way around whatever you put in its path and fill up any void. By making time when you’ve got nothing on your schedule, you’ll feel energized and fulfilled doing whatever it is that makes you feel good. And that’s reclaiming time in the best possible way.

Create Nurturing Morning and Evening Routines

How you start and end each day should be an essential part of the day itself. Indeed, one of the easiest to accomplish and most likely to succeed ways to greet and release the day is to create nurturing routines for the morning and night. Having your morning coffee routine situated so it’s a no-brainer when you wake up will give you the caffeine head-start you need without troubling yourself over the task. To do this, lay out the coffee mug, spoon, sugar, pre-fill the coffee pot or put on the timer so it makes itself according to your schedule. If you’re not a coffee drinker, but prefer tea instead, the same pre-planning holds true. Note that this is just one example many can relate to, yet it works for other comforting morning rituals as well.

Equally important, however, is the thought you put into what you do before retiring for the evening. Now is the time when you want to unwind and allow your mind to drift, not tax it with an unrelenting list of what you must tackle tomorrow. Take a leisurely soaking bath, meditate, relax with an engrossing book, listen to soothing music — you get the idea. Laying out your wardrobe for the morning, tending to your grooming basics and getting into your comfortable go-to-sleep environment is both nurturing and nourishing. It also primes your subconscious and your body to recharge and rebuild.

Your Journey Is Your Own, So Avoid Comparisons

So what if your brother-in-law has become a millionaire and he’s not yet 30? What difference does it make if your co-worker seems to breeze through assignments and has a tendency to lord it over you? Shortcuts and quick routes to success may seem ideal, yet you know that earning the prize, securing the promotion, achieving the earnestly desired goal requires that you put in the effort to do it right. Only then will you feel like you’ve really accomplished what you set out to do. Comparing your progress to others is an exercise in futility. It also wastes precious time and does nothing to assist you in making strides toward what matters most to you.

In line with this, do celebrate your small wins by taking the time to appreciate the victories. This serves as a kind of self-affirmation and motivates you to continue. It also helps put time in perspective. You have one life to live, and it’s your life, not anyone else’s. Keep this foremost in your mind and you’ll find you have more breathing room in your life, naturally.

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Psychology Around the Net: August 31, 2019

It’s Labor Day weekend and the unofficial end of summer here in the United States. What kind of fun are you getting up to this holiday weekend?

This week’s Psychology Around the Net offers some tips for letting go of unhealthy relationships, a trick for arguing without fighting, one doctor’s commentary on biological psychiatry, and more.

Read up, then go enjoy the holiday!

Workers Are Afraid to Take a Mental Health Day: Ryan Bonnici, chief marketing officer of G2 and a board member of Bring Change to Mind, talks the moral and financial incentives businesses have to prioritize their employees’ mental health, how one of the most effective steps business leaders can take is opening up about their own mental health, and the path that led him to being more forthright with his employees about his own mental health.

Could Marriage Stave Off Dementia? A new study from Michigan State University suggests marital status and dementia could be linked; specifically, married people are less likely to experience dementia as they grow older, while divorced people — especially divorced med — are twice as likely as married people to develop dementia.

“Letting Go” of Unhealthy Relationships: Letting go of social or romantic relationships that have served their purpose can be tough — especially when you struggle with a fear of loneliness. You might find yourself worrying that you’re making a mistake, or hanging on simply because you don’t want to be alone. It’s true that there’s no quick fix to moving on from an unhealthy relationship and the emotions attached to it, but there are several helpful ways to work through the process of letting go.

Argue Like You’re on Camera: Ever notice how you tend to behave a little differently on camera? Even if it’s just a smidge? Well, now you might be able to use that for good. The next time you feel an argument brewing, tap into that “I’m being recorded” feeling. It might just help stop a basic argument from turning into an all out I-wish-I-hadn’t-said-that fight.

Poverty: The Newest Medically Treatable Brain Disease: Poverty often involves suffering and distress, symptoms that affect normal functioning, and high overall mortality rate. There’s evidence of abnormal biochemistry and even genetic predisposition, and that medication can ease symptoms like hunger and coldness. Does this all sound fairly absurd to you? It does to Dr. Lawrence Kelmenson, too, and he uses it to make a case that “biological psychiatry is a ridiculous farce that’s really about shutting people up, by dismissing (invalidating) their complaints as mere ‘symptoms’ to be drugged away.” Thoughts?

Use This 4 Step Technique to Decide If You Can Trust Your Feelings or Not: Your feelings can be your best friends…or your worst enemies. Without realizing it, you might suppress your emotions, or marginalize or ignore them. You might not have a solid enough understanding of how emotions work. Feelings can be both powerful and mystifying, but with a little work you can learn how to connect with your feelings, determine whether you can trust them, and use the they way they were meant to be used.

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How To Rewrite Your Memories (M)

How to enhance good memories and weaken bad ones.

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This Weight Loss Technique Is Fast And Simple

A very simple but extreme weight loss technique that works fast.

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A Painful Sign Of Omega-3 Deficiency

A high omega-3 diet can lower the signs and symptoms of the disease by 50 per cent.

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Day #12 : Signal, cutting through the noise – 365 DoA

Noise, it can be troublesome. Whether you are studying and someone is being loud or you are trying to record something, noise is everywhere . Interestingly enough the concept of noise in a signal recording sense isn't all too different from dealing with talkative movie goers, so let's talk noise!

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Should I Report My Stepfather?

From a teen in the U.S: I’m extremely uncomfortable around my step father. I’m young,13. so i’m not sure if this is just me being dumb, but I am really uncomfortable and feel really anxious around my step father. I’ve overheard my mother and his arguments, and they are apparently fighting because he cheated with multiple women, and because he’s acting like a child.

I am aware that he’s very sexual, but he makes advances towards me and my female friends, then just laughs them off like nothing happened. He plays with my siblings and I by tickling us, but when he does it to me, the first place he gropes is between my thighs and sometimes directly on my genitalia. I don’t wear my swimsuit when he’s around because he usually stares at my chest or butt. He once in appropriately touched one of my female friends, and while he said afterwards that it was a “Slip-up” she distinctly remembers that he intentionally put his hand there.

I feel really uncomfortable and scared around him, and think my mother should divorce him, but I’m scared that she’ll tell him if I bring it up to her. What do I do?

I am so glad you wrote. You may be young but you know, as well as anyone older would, what is inappropriate and threatening behavior. What he is doing is a big deal. It is no laughing matter. Intentional behavior is not a “slip.” His “tickling” is abuse. Being “very sexual” is not an excuse for crossing boundaries with kids.

No kid should feel scared and unsafe in her own home. No kid should be worried about what her stepdad will do next.

Since you don’t quite trust your mother to do what she should, please, please talk to your school guidance counselor or a teacher you trust right away. Ask them to meet with you and your mom to support both of you and to help your mom understand what she needs to do in this situation. Your stepdad needs to leave. Hopefully, knowing what you have been going through will tip the balance so that your mom can decide to get this cheating abusive guy out of the house and out of all or your lives before something worse than “tickling” happens.

Trust your instincts and good sense. This situation isn’t good for anyone.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Surviving the Work Trip: How to Stay Together While Being Apart

In the bustling world of productivity and the prioritization of our careers, sometimes at the detriment to our families, we are recently encountering more times when we need to travel for work and be away from our top priority — our kids.

Although it may not be our choice to take work trips and be away from our family, there are techniques we can utilize to maintain the connection while we are away.

Sometimes children during these times develop emotional responses to the temporary absence of their parents. They may make it harder to go to school or become more tearful or clingier with the parent who has stayed home. This has an added challenge for the parent who is maintaining the fort, since being alone with the children is hard enough without added behavioral responses and emotional triggers in the mix.

Here are some easy and creative tips for how to make these trips go smoothly and keep a connection to the family while away.

1. Set Up a Scavenger Hunt:

For each day you’re away you can set up a special toy or treat with a clue of where to find it. This is particularly helpful if children have a hard time at a specific time of day (usually mornings or night). This can be included in the going to bed or waking up ritual to help include the parent who is away at these times.

2. Utilize Technology

The advent of modern technological devices creates new pathways for families to maintain connections. The ability to PM, make comments on social media, text, message and email helps defy lengthy time zone differences.

Use Facetime or send pictures to feel included in daily activities.

3. Use a Transitional Object

Kids can hold on to a keepsake from the parent who is traveling, something of their own choosing, it can be a t-shirt, spray of the cologne on a teddy bear, or something the parent has given the child. Holding on to this item helps place the positive feelings of the parent who is away onto an available resource which is tangible.

4. Self-Care

Set up in advance what will help you the most. If you’re scared that your child may get sick, get on everything you may need in advance to put your mind at ease. Make sure you’re stocked with medicine, liquids, iPad is charged, and your partner has all the logistical needs taken care of, the location and info of the pediatrician, etc.

We can’t prepare for everything but, if you find yourself saying “what if something happens,” try to finish the thought and solve it. Often times, we get so stuck in the “what if” that we can become paralyzed and not take a few simple steps to set up what we need in order to have a great time.

5. Forget about the Guilt

If you’re in a dynamic of feeling guilty you are away, try to work it out with your partner to develop a game plan. If you’re getting time away (even though it may not be luxurious) be a good team mate and set up time for your partner to get a break from child-care taking upon your return. It will give you a time to reconnect with the kids and will give the partner who has been home a chance to go to the bathroom in solitude.

6. Plan it out

For the parent who stays home, make sure you’re scheduled with: friends who can help during bedtime, setting up playdates, and making a plan for each day.

Have help in the form of family members who can help give kids added TLC in the parent’s absence, or a mother’s helper who can help out with some time so you’re not feeling alone the whole time.

It is important to remember that the approach to these separations make a big difference. Approaching the weekends alone with dread and wondering how you will survive it is considerably more distressing than taking the weekend as an opportunity. LA-based psychologist Dr. Elisa Rabinow advises that these moments “build self-confidence in the role of a parent” and that by taking on more of the work alone, you realize you CAN do it!

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Friday 30 August 2019

Am I Having Racing Thoughts?

From a teen in India: It usually happens when I wake up and I can’t stop thinking it’s not that i have anything to think about or worry For but i just think about anything not necessarily negative just anything and then the mind shifts to another thing and another and it’s not the way we all think in the morning

I feel uneasy I feel weird and bad and it feels bad and I have heard that in racing thoughts feel like a million thoughts rushing past you but it’s not like that for me they are just constant and they make me feel uneasy. Is there a chance these could be racing thoughts?

Thank you for writing. There’s a difference between thoughts that are “racing” and “racing thoughts”. Racing thoughts tend to be repetitive and feel over-whelming. Often they are a sign of acute anxiety or possibly bipolar disorder.

Unless you have other symptoms, I think you are someone who runs through all the things he needs to do and think about when you wake up. I have a guess that the reason you feel bad is because you worry that these waking thoughts are abnormal. That isn’t necessarily so.

Another possibility is something called “morning anxiety”. Morning anxiety refers to waking up with feelings of stress and worry. It’s usually a reaction to stress. A person with morning anxiety is also likely to have generalized anxiety. If that is the case, it would be helpful for you to see a mental health specialist who can provide you with some coaching and support for managing your stress.

Mindfulness techniques are also often helpful. Focus on a word or phrase or feeling and breathe deeply. Another technique is to write things down. By writing, you get the thoughts out of your head and onto paper. Still another technique is to do a mental sort of the thoughts: Discard those that make no sense. Put your attention on the thoughts that do need it. The internet has many articles that provide tips for settling down your thinking. See if following some of those suggestions are helpful.

I wish you well,

Dr. Marie

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This Relationship Cuts Dementia Risk 42% (M)

Almost 6 million people in the US live with dementia.

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The Best Way To Reduce Stomach Bloating

How to reduce heartburn, stomach pain, diarrhoea, constipation and bloating.

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Day #11 : Why even use the spectrogram? – 365 DoA

So you wanna use a spectrogram... but why? What does a spectrogram do that we can't do using some other methods for signal processing? As it turns out, there is a lot of reasons you may want to use the spectrogram and today we are going to cover some of those reasons and number four may shock you! (okay not really, what do you think this is a clickbait website?)

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The Herb That Boosts Weight Loss

Around one-in-three adults in the US are obese.

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How to Reduce Pre-Hurricane Stress (PHS)

As Hurricane Dorian heads for the Florida shore with an anticipated category 4 center winds of 130-156 miles per hour, anxiety builds in residents. Forecasting the track of the storm...

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What Does Spooning Reveal About Your Relationship?

Ever wondered what the position you sleep in could reveal about the health of your relationship?

If you’re married or dating someone, it’s natural to wonder about sleeping positions and what they mean. A recent article stated that people who sleep on their back tend to be reliable and strong, while stomach sleepers are outgoing and fun.

So, what happens when you and your partner couple up? From spooning to top and tailing, experts say that our unconscious choices in the bedroom can indicate how we feel about our partners, our sexual desires, and what problems could be bubbling under the surface.

Consequently, what does your sleeping position say about you and your partner? Today we are going to look at spooning and see what it can tell you about the dynamics of your love life.

What Is Spooning: Mastering the spooning techniques

We all enjoy a good cuddle with our partner, whether it’s in your comfy couch or your luxury mattress. Spooning refers to lying on your side with a partner lying on their side and curling up behind you, mimicking spoons that seamlessly fit together. People have been spooning for centuries, as evident from historic artwork depicting erotic embraces and positions between couples. While spooning can also be nonsexual, it is usually an intimate act reserved for couples. Of course, spooning can start as a simple comfortable position to lay or sleep in, but it can also bring the added benefits of intimacy.

When a partner takes a protective stance over the other, it leads to a feeling of safety, security and closeness and indicates a secure attachment to each other. If you enjoy spooning, then you are comfortable with the intimacy you and your partner share. You literally want to hold onto your partner throughout the night, feeling safe and secure by touching each other and staying connected.

Even body language expert and author of Success Signals: a Guide to Reading Body Language, Patti Wood, acknowledges that closeness, both physically and emotionally, gives side-spooning it’s real benefit: an increase in intimacy. It is a vulnerable position that’s sexual, but it also says, “I trust you”. Furthermore, couples who spoon are less likely to be harboring resentment or anger towards each other and therefore are more likely to feel up for a little moonlight mambo.

Establish the size of the spoon

First, you and your partner need to decide who is the big spoon and who is the small spoon.

The big spoon can be easily figured out by the action that whoever hugs the other partner while cuddling is the big spoon. Note that these roles are changeable.
The Big Spoon is the dominant partner. This is usually the taller or more masculine partner.
The little spoon refers to the smaller partner or the feminine partner.

Types of spoon cuddling positions to try

1. The Classic Spoon

The classic romantic embrace, portrays a relationship dynamic in which one partner takes a protective stance over the other. It involves trust, experts say, and is often a sign that all is well in the bedroom.

In this position, the big spoon lies on his or her side, and the little spoon puts his or her back to the stomach of the big spoon. The big spoon’s top arm should be wrapped around the waist of the little spoon but there can be variation. The position of your lower legs can vary depending on your preferences.

2. Ball and spoon

Another position on how to spoon cuddle is the ball and spoon. It is where both of you lie side by side and feel your skin against a breathable, crisp, and light percale bed sheet with the smaller spoon in a fetal position. The bigger spoon’s chest or stomach should be nestled against the small spoon’s back with his lower legs stretched out to create more space.

3. Upside-Down Y

A position where both the spoons press their backs against each other with each one facing the opposite direction. This placement is perfect for couples who want to enjoy physical contact with their partner while still having the freedom to move around, especially on Nectar’s split king adjustable bed with mattress. This allows more personal space and fresh air along with giving warmth to the partners and still creates intimacy and freedom to both.

Benefits of Spooning

Spooning gives a sense of security, feels good and intimate, but is also good for your health and personal well-being. Here are a few benefits:

It creates more sexual satisfaction and intimacy

We all know that cuddling often leads to physical intimacy, but cuddling after making love should not be taken for granted. Couples who cuddled after sex reported to have a higher relationship and sexual satisfaction according to a study in 2014.

It increases bonding among friends or pets

What is the reason cuddling leaves you feeling loved and connected? Oxytocin isn’t called the “cuddle hormone” for no reason. There’s a social bonding aspect to it when it is released. Research suggests that oxytocin helps you bond with those in your inner circle. In other words, the more you cuddle with your partner and pets, the tighter your bond will be.

It boosts your immune system

Swedish massage is a massage technique that uses long, gliding strokes, firm kneading, and tapping. Touch is one of the most important aspects in cuddling, therefore if you make Swedish massage part of your cuddling routine, your immune system will seriously up its game.

According to a 2010 study, people who received Swedish massage had:

Increased production of white blood cells that fight disease (lymphocytes)
A reduction in hormones (arginine vasopressin) that increase the stress hormone cortisol
A decrease in existing cortisol levels
A decrease in cytokines that may cause inflammation

It helps you communicate emotions

Clinical research shows that touch is a way to communicate emotions such as love, gratitude, and sympathy between loved ones. Happiness and sadness can be communicated through touch as well. A study in 2009, surprisingly found that touch also fosters emotional communication between strangers.

It lowers blood pressure

Not only can touch communicate emotions, it also has a calming effect which may lower blood pressure. Research shows short periods of hand holding and hugging lowers both diastolic and systolic blood pressure. High blood pressure is linked to heart disease and stroke. In short, regular spooning should be part of any high blood pressure treatment plan with your intimate partner.

It relieves stress and anxiety

An analysis in 2004 suggests that massage in the form of stroking, squeezing, and stretching helps relieve stress and anxiety by boosting dopamine and serotonin in the body. These two neurotransmitters help regulate your mood. Dopamine also regulates the pleasure center in your brain.

It helps relieve pain

Therapeutic touch is the method of placing your hands on or near the body to balance energy and promote natural healing. With this, cuddling in the form of therapeutic touch may even have the power to reduce pain.

Images courtesy of Nectar Sleep

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Healthy Relationships with Others Begins with the Self

We all have in our minds an image of the best possible version of ourselves. We call this self, the “ideal self.” The ideal self represents our highest values, our total potential, everything that we strive to be, and the goals that we set for ourselves.

Then there is the “real self,” which represents the reality of where we are in our development. It is the actual truth of how we behave from day to day, our limitations, weaknesses, and strengths.

Imagine these two as a Venn diagram. In one circle, the “ideal self,” partially overlapping another circle, the “real self.” When the relationship between these two circles is healthy, and the overlap between them is substantial enough. The two work together in incremental growth. The ideal self pulling our growth forward, ever coaxing us toward realizing our goals. While the real self keeps us grounded in the reality of our situation and our concrete limitations at the time.

When the relationship between these two is unhealthy, the overlap between them is very thin or even nonexistent. The greater the incongruence between these two selves, the more internally conflict we experience. The discrepancy causes a great deal of anxiety and it’s possible to lose touch entirely with both parts of our self.

If we lose a healthy perception of our ideal self and our real self, our growth becomes paralyzed. When we can’t relate to ourselves in a healthy way, it becomes increasingly difficult to relate to others in a healthy way, as well.

German psychoanalyst, Karen Horney (pronounced “ORE-nye”) theorized that when the discrepancy between our ideal self and real self becomes too great and we are unable to relate to others in a healthy way, we adopt one of three solutions for coping socially:

Move toward others, causing us to be self-effacing. Those who adopt this solution appear meek, timid, and go to great efforts to make themselves small or unseen. They have difficulty developing their own opinions and cling to others for assurance and support. They have a tendency to adopt a “herd” mentality, anchoring themselves in the movement of the majority rather than their own individuality.
Move against others, causing us to be self-expanding. Those who adopt this solution position themselves at odds with others. They may become aggressive or defensive easily. They have a need to inflate their ego in order to support their self-esteem, often taking control of situations or powering over others. There are several subtypes to this way of being, including narcissism, perfectionism, or arrogant and vindictive personalities.
Move away from others, causing resignation. Those who adopt this solution become aloof, avoidant, and indifferent. They refuse to become emotionally invested in anyone or anything, often behaving in reclusive ways. Their isolation will sometimes cause them to act out with random acts of rebellion. Otherwise, consumed by their denial, they avoid interactions and confrontations entirely.

It is easy to imagine the interpersonal conflict any one of these solutions can cause. Increased negative social experiences can serve to reinforce these ways of being, placing the person even farther and farther away from a healthy perspective and healthy relationships.

Considering, though, these solutions first stemmed from an internal conflict, it seems the best way to reconnect socially to others in a healthy way, is to first reconnect to yourself, to create greater congruency between your real self and your ideal self.

How can one accomplish this?

First, you must define the ideal self and the real self. What are your goals? Who do you want to be? Are your goals realistic and attainable? What are your real limitations and strengths? When faced with an opportunity to act in accordance with your goals, what choices do you actually make?

Then, determine how you can bring those two selves into greater congruency with one another. Maybe it isn’t changing your goals entirely, but breaking them down into smaller, incremental steps. Creating a plan for yourself is a great way to be deliberate about your growth. It’s also a great way to celebrate your growth, because you can see yourself be successful in concrete ways.

This will also build your self-confidence and self-esteem. When we have a better understanding of our own growth, we feel more capable. Feeling more capable not only helps us continue to achieve our goals, but it also helps combat negative feelings when we do struggle with a challenge.

If you find yourself struggling socially, it may be time to reconnect with yourself and your own growth. A healthy connection to self helps us maintain a healthy connection to others.

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Loss of control in aging cells.

Wow...experiments like those of Pereda et al. make me feel rather fatalistic and resigned to the aging process, notwithstanding all numerous pie in the sky biotech startups that are trying to find magic bullets that will reverse human aging. They note that deterioration in learning and memory with aging is not accompanied by obvious increases in nerve cell death, and so looked for more subtle changes that might be a play. They created transgenic mice that expressed a calcium sensor specifically in presynaptic terminals of the CA1 region of the hippocampus, allowing them to measure how calcium signaling altered with age. Older animals showed increased calcium influx into the neurons and persistently increased concentration of calcium in resting neurons, most likely caused by by an age‐dependent change in the properties or numbers of presynaptic calcium channels. Higher calcium altered neuronal transmission with parallel loss of cognitive function in the animals. Interestingly, reducing extracellular calcium made old synapses behave more like younger ones, and raising extracellular calcium made young synapses act like old ones. Here is their technical abstract:

The loss of cognitive function accompanying healthy aging is not associated with extensive or characteristic patterns of cell death, suggesting it is caused by more subtle changes in synaptic properties. In the hippocampal CA1 region, long‐term potentiation requires stronger stimulation for induction in aged rats and mice and long‐term depression becomes more prevalent. An age‐dependent impairment of postsynaptic calcium homeostasis may underpin these effects. We have examined changes in presynaptic calcium signalling in aged mice using a transgenic mouse line (SyG37) that expresses a genetically encoded calcium sensor in presynaptic terminals. SyG37 mice showed an age‐dependent decline in cognitive abilities in behavioural tasks that require hippocampal processing including the Barnes maze, T‐maze and object location but not recognition tests. The incidence of LTP was significantly impaired in animals over 18 months of age. These effects of aging were accompanied by a persistent increase in resting presynaptic calcium, an increase in the presynaptic calcium signal following Schaffer collateral fibre stimulation, an increase in postsynaptic fEPSP slope and a reduction in paired‐pulse facilitation. These effects were not caused by synapse proliferation and were of presynaptic origin since they were evident in single presynaptic boutons. Aged synapses behaved like younger ones when the extracellular calcium concentration was reduced. Raising extracellular calcium had little effect on aged synapses but altered the properties of young synapses into those of their aged counterparts. These effects can be readily explained by an age‐dependent change in the properties or numbers of presynaptic calcium channels.

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Anxiety: Contributing Factors and Symptoms

Anxiety is a psychological state, wherein a person experiences uneasiness or discomfort due to perceived or expected threat or danger. Different people may experience varying degrees of anxiety. Anxiety is a part of everyday life and is a normal psychological reaction to stress. However, chronic anxiety often has adverse effects on a person’s long-term physical and mental state.

Factors that Contribute to Anxiety

It is not unusual for people to get anxious in stressful situations. However, individuals with chronic anxiety may also get nervous or uneasy about mundane events. If they experience an anxiety attack, they may be unable to function at work, school, or at social gatherings. Individuals with chronic anxiety may benefit from consulting a mental health professional at Well Beings Counselling.

Anxiety disorders can impair a person’s daily life. These mental and emotional issues may last a long time and can be difficult to manage if the affected does not seek help from a licensed therapist. Some factors that may contribute to feelings of anxiety include:

Public Speaking: Many people get anxious when speaking in front of a crowd.
First Days: Children may feel anxious when it’s the first day of school. A job applicant often feels nervous about his or her first job interview.
Transitions: Moving to a new home, getting a new job, getting married, getting pregnant, and other major life changes can be stressful.
Appointments: Some people feel anxious when undergoing medical procedures such as imaging studies, laboratory exams, and invasive treatments. Also, undergoing dental treatment can be a source of anxiety.
Medical Conditions: Being diagnosed with a debilitating, chronic, or degenerative disease can be a source of worry or extreme anxiety. Cancer, AIDS, Alzheimer’s, and other life-threatening medical conditions can lead to much stress for affected people.
Financial Problems: It’s often stressful when you realize that you only have a few dollars left before the next payday. Or worse, you lost your job or went bankrupt.
Relationships Issues: Marital conflicts, divorce, constant fights, and misunderstandings between family members may cause much stress for intimate partners and their children.
Legal Matters: Facing a criminal charge, such as a DWI or DUI, can be stressful and it may disrupt a person’s career, finances, or family.
Peer Pressure: School-age children, teenagers, and even adults may experience stress when they are pressured by peers.
Workplace: Your boss or colleagues can be a source of anxiety, especially if you’re asked to meet your quota of work by a certain deadline.
Pain: The expectation of pain can be stressful. One example of this is children who are afraid of getting shots or injections.
Traumatic Events: Experiencing a car accident, an act of violence, or other traumatic event can cause anxiety.

What Are the Signs and Symptoms of Anxiety?

While mild stress can be easily managed, chronic anxiety is more challenging. A person with an anxiety disorder may experience rapid changes in his or her body and emotions. A anxiety attack may cause a shift in focus or may even alter the mind when it comes to proper decision-making. Additionally, a person with an anxiety disorder may not be receptive to verbal advice due to overwhelming feelings of impending danger.

Here are a few indicative signs of anxiety:

Feeling tense, nervous, or restless
Panic or a sense of impending doom or danger
Increased heart and pulse rate
Rapid breathing or hyperventilation
Trembling
Increased perspiration or sweating
Feeling tired or weak
Trouble concentrating
Thinking too much about the present worry
Experiencing gastrointestinal problems, such as a stomach ache and increased flatulence
Trouble getting a good night’s sleep or insomnia
Intense worry

How to Treat Anxiety Disorders

Some examples of anxiety disorders include separation anxiety disorder, social phobia or social anxiety disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and specific phobias. A person may have one or more anxiety disorders. Patients who have anxiety disorders usually perceive threats far beyond what they really are, causing panic attacks and uncontrollable behaviors.

If you believe you have an anxiety disorder, it is recommended that you consult a mental health expert. Medication and talk therapy treatments such as CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) can help. Some symptoms of certain anxiety disorders may begin during childhood or adolescence. If left untreated, they may continue into adulthood.

Conclusion

The signs and symptoms of anxiety should be taken seriously. They may hamper your ability to engage in everyday activities, hinder your thought processing, and lead to uncontrollable behaviors or social isolation.

Don’t wait for mild anxiety to become worse. Talk to your doctor and your loved ones today before it gets worse.

Image courtesy of Elaine

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Thursday 29 August 2019

Flashbulb Memories: How Emotion Influences Cognition

What are flashbulb memories?

The theory of flashbulb memories was proposed by Roger Brown and James Kulik in 1977 after they investigated memories of the JFK assassination. They found that people had very vivid memories of when they received the news including exactly what they were doing, the weather, and the smells in the air.

They defined flashbulb memories as unusually vivid memories of a surprising and emotionally arousing event.

Their theory encouraged three main questions:

What is the physiological basis of flashbulb memories?
Is the vividness of the memory created by the event or is it due to rehearsal?
How accurate are flashbulb memories?

The Physiological Basis

Sharot, et al. (2007), conducted a study three years after the 9/11 terrorist attacks. The participants had all been geographically close to the World Trade Center, some very close in downtown Manhattan while others were a little farther away in Midtown. The participants were placed in an fMRI scanner and asked to recall memories from the attacks and from a control event. The results showed that 83% of the downtown Manhattan participants exhibited a selective activation of the amygdala (responsible for processing emotions) when retrieving the 9/11 memories. This activation was only observed in 40% of the Midtown participants. Therefore, the results of this experiment:

Support Brown and Kulik’s theory that emotional arousal is key to flashbulb memories
Suggest that flashbulb memories have a unique neural basis
Found that close personal experiences are critical in engaging the neural mechanism that underlies flashbulb memories

Event versus Rehearsal

Researchers conducted a study on flashbulb memories of the Loma Prieta earthquake in northern California shortly after in happened and then again 18 months later (Neisser, et al., 1996). Some of the participants were Californian while others were on the opposite coast of the US in Atlanta. The Californians recollections of the earthquake was nearly perfect and the Atlantans who had family members in California during the earthquake’s memories were considerably more accurate than those who had no connections. However, no correlation was found between emotional arousal and recall. This then suggested that repeated narrative rehearsal, the fact that some participants discussed the event more than others, may have played a role. Therefore, the study suggests that the vividness of flashbulb memories is actually due to rehearsal rather than the event itself.

A 1988 study published in the journal Cognition conducted a similar research on flashbulb memories of the Challenger Space Shuttle disaster of 1986 in which the shuttle exploded moments after take off, resulting in the deaths of seven on board (Bohannon, 1988). The participant interviews included questions about their emotional reactions and how many times they discussed the tragedy with other people. The results showed that both higher levels of emotional arousal and rehearsal correlated with greater vividness of recall.

Overall, these studies seem to demonstrate that both emotional arousal and rehearsal contribute to the vividness of flashbulb memories. Therefore, the theory of flashbulb memories was shifted to accommodate for the factor of rehearsal.

The Accuracy

Neisser and Harsch (1992) examined participants’ memories of the Challenger Space Shuttle disaster by giving them a questionnaire the day of the incident and then again 3 years later. The results showed very low consistency of responses. On average, the participants answered correctly only about 42% of the time. However, the participants were very confident in the correctness of their memory and were very surprised by and unable to explain their low scores.

Talarico and Rubin (2003) conducted a similar study on flashbulb memories of the 9/11 attacks. Participants recorded their memory of the tragedy the day after as well as a regular everyday memory. They were then tested again 1, 6, or 32 weeks later for both memories. They also rated their level of emotion response, the vividness of the memories, and their confidence in the accuracy. The findings showed that there was no difference in accuracy between the flashbulb and everyday memory; the accuracy declined over time for both. However, rating of vividness and belief in accuracy stayed consistently high for the flashbulb memories. This suggests that emotional response only corresponds with belief in accuracy but not actual accuracy of the memory. Therefore, Talarico and Rubin concluded that flashbulb memories are only special in their perceived accuracy because besides participants’ high levels of confidence in their remembrance, very little distinguishes flashbulb memories from normal memories.

Conclusion

Flashbulb memories are a fascinating but still unclear phenomenon. While research suggests that flashbulb memories 1) have a physiological basis, 2) include several factors such as event and rehearsal, 3) and only seem to be special in their perceived accuracy, there is still more to be investigated.

Moreover, there are several inherent limitations that must be considered with studies in this area. For instance, most research on flashbulb memories tends to focus on reactions to negative public events which is a difficult variable to manipulate; for this reason, most flashbulb memory studies yield correlational results. While correlational studies can find relationships between variables, such as emotional arousal and flashbulb memories, no assumptions can be made about the nature of the relationship. This also contributes to the lack of information on this topic.

An alternative approach would be to focus on personal traumatizing events and their effect on memory. However, such research would most likely be case studies which presents issues of low standardization.

Because of these conflicting issues and limitations, flashbulb memory is a difficult concept to pursue which is why much of the phenomenon still requires clarification.

References

Bohannon, J.N. (1988). Flashbulb memories for the space shuttle disaster: A tale of two theories. Cognition, 29(2): 179-196.

Brown, R. & Kulik, J. (1977). Flashbulb memories. Cognition, 5(1): 73-99.

Neisser, U. & Harsh, N. (1992). Phantom flashbulbs: False recollections of hearing the news about Challenger. In Winograd, E., & Neidder, U. (Eds). Affect and Accuracy in Recall: Studies of flashbulb memories. New York: Cambridge University Press.

Neisser, U., Winograd, E., Bergman, E.T., Schreiber, C.A., Palmer, S.E. & Weldon, M.S. (1996). Remembering the earthquake: Direct experience vs. hearing the news. Memory, 4(4): 337-357.

Sharot, T., Martorella, E.A., Delgado, M.R. & Phelps, E.A. (2007). How personal experience modulates the neural circuitry of memories of September 11. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 104(1): 389-394.

Talarico, J.M. & Rubin, D.C. (2003).Confidence, not consistency, characterizes flashbulb memories. Psychological Science, 14(5): 455-461.

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Do Support Groups Online Encourage Toxic Behavior?

I’m part of a FB group that supports women born with a congenital disease that prevents conception. I’ve noticed that a lot of women in the group, though their intentions are good, are very negative and discouraging. Everyone talks so much about trying to be strong but they seem to do nothing to actually feel good about themselves. They just wallow in self-pity like the world owes them. And there seems to be a lot of people who seem to think it’s perfectly ok to blackball other women in their life because they fall pregnant.

Every time I read one of the posts, the comments are so pitiful it upsets me.

Am I crazy to think this kind of environment is probably causing more damage to these women than good?

While there are many positive qualities of support groups, they are not without their problems. This is especially true regarding online support groups.

The benefits of online support groups include finding comfort in knowing that you’re not alone in experiencing a particular problem. It can be good to connect with other people who understand what you’re going through.

Online support groups may also provide education and insight into your own situation. You might learn something that could lead to new ideas and treatments.

It’s always good to have a supportive network of people in your life, even if only online. People who have good support networks don’t feel alone, and overall have more positive experiences in life.

Alternatively, there are drawbacks with online support groups. Unmoderated, some of the group members can devolve into negativity. It is easy to be nasty or offensive to persons with whom you have no chance of having personal contact. Ideally, it would be best if it were supervised by professionals but when it comes to Facebook and other social media sites, that’s not likely to occur. Joining a moderated group with clear-cut guidelines about behavior might help to improve the online support group experience.

In addition, unmoderated groups may be apt to share misinformation. The feedback of group members may be anecdotal in nature and thus not based on sound scientific principles. Some information can even be harmful.

For instance, NBC recently reported a story about parents of autistic kids sharing misinformation in private Facebook groups. Some of these groups were small, with as few as 10 members, but some were large, with thousands of members.

They discovered that some parents used dangerous methods to “heal” their children with autism, a disorder that currently has no cure. These included utilizing chlorine dioxide (orally or via an enema, or in baths). The Food and Drug Administration (FDA), indicates that chlorine dioxide is essentially bleach and using such treatments can cause permanent harm to the child, even death. Some parents even posted pictures of themselves forcing their children to ingest chlorine dioxide. It appears that some people were so desperate to help their children that there were willing to engage in harmful and potentially disastrous behavior.

It’s not uncommon for people to have experiences like what you’ve described in the online environment. If the group were better moderated, or moderated it all, there would likely be rules about complaining or otherwise creating an atmosphere in which negativity could prosper.

To answer your question directly, you are not “crazy” to think that the support group is causing more harm than good. It certainly seems to be. Unfortunately, there’s probably little you can do to change the dynamics of the group. It may be best to avoid it. Thank you for your question. Best of luck to you.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Podcast: How Introverted People Can Excel in An Extroverted World

Today’s guest is a self-described introvert who wants to help her fellow introverts improve their lives and careers. What makes someone an introvert? Is it just shyness? What is the difference between extroverts and introverts? How is the workplace skewed to favorite extroverts? What can introverts do to make up for that imbalance? What additional challenges do introverted women face?

Join us for answers to these questions and more!

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

Guest information for ‘Introverts Versus Extroverts’ Podcast Episode

Chelsey Brooke is a professional counselor, published writer, blogger, Pathfinder Coach and internationally-known figure helping introverted women live passionate and purposeful lives. Her mission is to inspire introverted women to live connected to their true purpose and to share the most authentic version of themselves with the world. Get exclusive access to her free training series on how to find clarity, build self-belief and cultivate a successful mindset at https://www.thepathfinderforyou.com/

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations available from Amazon or author direct and signed. He currently runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Introverts Versus Extroverts’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: Welcome to the Psych Central Podcast, where each episode features guest experts discussing psychology and mental health in everyday plain language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome, everyone, to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. Calling into the show today, we have Chelsey Brooke, the founder of Pathfinder. It’s where she helps introverted women strip away everything they were told to be, uncover who they really are, and find their authentic path. Chelsey, welcome to the show.

Chelsey Brooke: Thank you so much for having me.

Gabe Howard: The first question that I have is… Can you give us a little more about Pathfinder? Why did you decide that this was important? You know, I’m speaking as a male, and I think, well, aren’t we all just our authentic selves always? But, you know, sort of in our pre-interview, you kind of explained that, you know, sometimes females see it differently. Can you talk about that for a moment?

Chelsey Brooke: Yeah. Great question. So part of the reason that I founded The Pathfinder is out of my own personal experiences. You know, I always kind of had the idea that I was an introvert. I always felt like I’m kind of out of place, awkward. And of course, I was told from other people, like you’re shy, you’re antisocial, you should speak up more, you should participate more. So I always felt like there was just something wrong with me. So having that experience throughout my life, and then majoring in psychology and sociology, and then going on to become professional counselor, I saw that a lot in my practice as well. And then I really wanted to help other introverted women kind of step over some of the struggles that I went through and help them reframe a lot of those misunderstandings that they might have heard growing up from family, friends and just cultural expectations of who they should be — and uncover that authentic self that can be layered up with all of the myths and misconceptions that they’ve heard their whole life, and then use that authentic part of them to create their life and career path instead of basing it on this misunderstanding of who they are.

Gabe Howard: I think it’s very interesting that you said that there’s a misconception surrounding introversion. Full disclosure, I am the biggest extrovert that you will ever meet. I love being the center of attention. It’s not an accident that I host a podcast. So my understanding of introversion is probably wrong. And my understanding is an introvert is somebody who doesn’t like to talk to people. Please explain to me what an introvert actually is.

Chelsey Brooke: I’m so glad you asked that. OK, so one of the first things I found interesting is that, I actually Googled, “What does the dictionary define as an introvert?” It says it’s a “shy, withdrawn person,” which is totally incorrect. And sadly, it really shows the bias that’s so prevalent in our culture against introverts. So first of all, it’s really important to know the difference — that introversion and shyness are not the same thing. So while some introverts are shy, extroverts can also be shy, too. Introversion has to do with your temperament, your personality that you’re born with. And shyness is a social anxiety that can affect any personality type. Part of the way that I describe the biggest difference between introverts and extroverts is how we process and respond to information in different environments. Kind of like this: An extrovert, you hear something, they respond. There’s not a lot of processing going on in their brain, between what they hear and their response. They’re just kind of saying the first thing that comes to their mind, and that’s just the pathway. That’s how their brain was developed and that is how it works. Introverts, on the other hand, hear something, or they’re asked a question, and their brain begins to think about possible answers they could give. What the reaction might be to those responses, maybe other times that they’ve been asked questions like that. They start thinking about which way they like to respond, try to find the right words. Then they start to answer your question. But at this point, it’s been far too long that people begin to wonder if you’re OK, what’s wrong? Or they’ve moved on altogether. So that’s just a short example of what has happened to introverts over their lives that makes people think they don’t like people or that they are not as quick-witted or they don’t know enough. A lot of times introverts are misunderstood because we take longer, and that’s literally because our brains are using a different, longer pathway. And so we’re literally wired differently. And while we can go very deep and we process things, and we like a lot of reflection and we actually need a lot of alone time and solitude to process and sift through all the information that’s going on in our environment, and extroverts just process the world differently.

Gabe Howard: During my research for this show, one of the things that I read is that introversion and extroversion at its real core is based on how you recharge. So, for example, an introvert, like you said, wants to be alone and that’s how they regain their energy. Whereas an extrovert wants to be around people, and that’s where they get their energy. Is that true?

Chelsey Brooke: Yeah, definitely. So aside from how we process and respond to information, that is the biggest difference between introverts and extroverts. So even when introverts are around people that they enjoy or they’re at events in environments that they enjoy, they’re still being drained by interacting with others even if they’re having a great time. Extroverts become more excited and more pumped up from being around other people, and they get drained when they’re alone. So, yes, that is definitely a big difference between introverts and extroverts.

Gabe Howard: During this conversation, you’ve talked about important things to know about introverts and how they differ from extroverts and how this can impact their lives. But in your opinion, what’s the most important thing to know about being an introvert?

Chelsey Brooke: So in an extroverted culture, you know, introverts’ natural tendency and preferences will always kind of be at odds with what’s expected. Like our tendency to want that solitude, want silence, to enjoy reflection and observation; and observation for introverts is participation a lot of the time in, you know, group meetings at work or at school or whatever. We are literally engaged in the conversation just by observing what’s going on. Whereas, for an extrovert, they think you need to be encouraged to join in because you’re not enjoying yourself, or they’re want to ask if you’re OK. So the fact that those are natural tendencies are always going to be at odds with society. So without knowing who you are and why you think, act and feel the way you do, you’re going to get this constant sense of being different or just plain wrong. Something I really work with my clients on is that knowledge is truly power, but understanding alone isn’t enough. We also have to translate that into how we live our lives. So we need to know how to set boundaries, to ask what we need and create an environment that we’re really happy in and we can thrive in. You know, success, happiness, fulfillment — that looks different for introverts. So we have to get clear on what those things mean for us and then start incorporating that in everything we do.

Gabe Howard: One of the things that you talk about on your Web site is people think that not only being an introvert is weak, but being an introverted female is weak, and then ultimately being feminine is weak. Do people think that being feminine or being a woman is weakness?

Chelsey Brooke: I think sometimes in our culture we consider masculine traits of being direct, bold, logical, very assertive, like, this is what you need to be successful, especially because the women I work with are usually wanting a career change or want to find some kind of work environment that’s more authentic with who they are. A lot of times they feel like they are encouraged to tap into that masculine side. And if that’s what they need to succeed in business, certainly, and in career and in leadership roles and things like that, and the more feminine qualities of being compassionate and sensitive and understanding — those are more secondary or not as important as the masculine traits. I think it’s definitely something that we need to work on as a culture and within our own micro groups, in our families and communities and workplaces to find that balance and especially important for introverted women, because not only do they have the introvert piece where they’re different from extroverts, but then they have the feminine qualities that are maybe at odds with the perceived more “desirable” traits of being masculine. So I definitely think it’s something that we need to work on to make sure we have a healthy balance of that and not feel like feminine traits aren’t as necessary or as valuable as masculine.

Gabe Howard: It’s fascinating that we’ve genderized personality traits.

Chelsey Brooke: Mm-hmm.

Gabe Howard: You know, kind of like what you said, like being caring — well, that’s a feminine trait.

Chelsey Brooke: Mm-hmm.

Gabe Howard: And being aggressive in the workplace — well, that’s a masculine trait. Aren’t these just personality traits that appear in all kinds of people and any random order based on your personality?

Chelsey Brooke: Yeah, they definitely can be. I mean, we could also associate being extroverted with being more bold and assertive and then being integrated with being more quiet. But the latest research actually suggests that men tend to be slightly more introverted than women. So that throws a whole ‘nother mix up that we’re talking about, because sometimes we… like we said … we think of masculine and feminine traits as masculine to be more kind of extroverted and then feminine traits of being more introverted. But the latest research suggests that men are actually more introverted than women. So, yeah, definitely interesting.

Gabe Howard: You know, my wife has an MBA. She she’s very much in the business world and she’s a supervisor at her job. And she talks about the difference between managing younger professionals and women versus men. And she sort of echoes what you said and she said that men are more prone to sit back and expect their work to be noticed, whereas women are more prone to not toot their own horn or be braggart, but to make sure that she and the other management team understands what they’re working on. And I think that’s sort of what you’re talking about, because I don’t think that has anything to do with extroversion or introversion. I think it has to do with the cultural expectations that men just believe that they’ll get what’s coming to them if they work hard, whereas women are sort of more conditioned to understand that they may be passed over if they don’t advocate for themselves.

Chelsey Brooke: Mm-hmm.

Gabe Howard: Is that kind of like what you talk about when you talk about helping people understand how to use their introversion in the workplace and get unstuck with where they are and get to their authentic self?

Chelsey Brooke: Yeah, it really speaks to how introverted women would be kind of at a double disadvantage because they are going against the cultural norm that we expect of women, too, is to be very social, energetic, talkative. They’re supposed to get people together and do the group meetings and want to be involved in that. And introverts, a lot of times, so if they talk about what they’re doing or what they’re working on or their successes or achievements — that they’re bragging, and they never want to appear that way. So I have kind of a three step process that I work with introverted women on how they can advocate for themselves authentically in the workplace. And the first thing to learn how to do that is to understand yourself. That’s why I speak so much on understanding how your brain works and why you think, act and feel the way you do, because knowledge really is power in that regard. And then, two, educating others that who you are, that that’s perfectly OK. I know for me as an introvert, if I am prepared and knowledgeable at something, then I feel so much more authentic, and I feel so much more confident in advocating that to other people. And it’s really not that you have to go and be bold and brazen like we think of when we think of someone advocating for something, it’s just being yourself and making that OK — you can participate in group meetings by taking awesome notes and then sending follow-up emails. You can really shine in different ways that maybe an extrovert wouldn’t, but introverts are sitting back, and they can focus, they can process information so deeply, and they tend to be organized and dependable and consistent and all of these other strengths. And that’s actually my last point that I work with introverted women on — to advocate for themselves, to work with your strengths instead of against them. Don’t feel like you need to make excuses for who you are or just put on your extroverted facade and get through the day. It’s OK to be who you are and to work with your strengths instead of feeling like you need to be somebody else.

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Gabe Howard: And we’re back discussing introversion with Chelsey Brooke. Let’s build on advocating for yourself in the workplace a little bit. When you think of the average introvert — how can they advocate for themselves authentically in the workplace and not come off as, you know, bragging or being too aggressive or, you know, in the case of women, they often get called, you know, the B word and all they’re doing is advocating for their own position.

Chelsey Brooke: Mm-hmm.

Gabe Howard: So how can introverts advocate for themselves authentically in the workplace in a productive and positive way?

Chelsey Brooke: So I think one of the important things to realize is that so much of our communication is done nonverbally. Facial expressions, hand gestures, nodding, leaning forward or making eye contact. All those things that introverts really naturally do as we’re processing and we’re observing, especially in group meetings or in our workplaces. And that is an authentic way for introverts to advocate for themselves using your non-verbal communication, using what you would normally do to express yourself and conserve your verbal communication and your talking for more important conversations. That’s something introverts really have to be aware of throughout the day, especially if you’re in a typical work environment where there’s cubicles or you have group meetings or things like that. You have to be really intentional about where you’re spending your energy because it’s kind of naturally being drained throughout the day. So that’s another tip — is really setting boundaries around how much you talk and participate in things versus if you have time to take your lunch break and go to the car instead of going to the break room or something where other people would be. Going out if you have a 15 minute break, take a walk or go somewhere else and just be by yourself. Just look at nature or anything like that. To regain your energy throughout the day is really important. And then going back to the bragging piece, introverts really do not like feeling like they are bragging about themselves or being arrogant in anyway. And so a lot of times, unfortunately, people don’t know how much we do know or how much we’re actually working on or the successes that we’ve had because we don’t want to talk about them because we feel like that’s being arrogant. Even just remembering to put your name on anything that you create, produce, or help with, because so many times people just don’t even realize the back end stuff that’s going on that you’re helping with. So just even putting your name on that or just bringing it up in conversation with people, you know- Oh, I was so excited because I worked on this project and we did this. You know, what are you working on these days? You use your natural reflection and observation of other people, ask questions, just be curious about other people and then just kind of slide in what you’re working on instead of making it just about you. Introverts can be uncomfortable with the spotlight. And so saying what you did and then shifting the conversation is not only helpful for introverts, but also it’s just good communication in general. So those are just a few tips to help introverts really advocate for themselves authentically in the workplace.

Gabe Howard: I really like what you said there, and I’m sort of reminded of a problem that I had in my past life. I used to work in fundraising and a lot of people who are excellent donors and really support non-profits and charities, they really have this belief that you must do so anonymously or you’re not doing it for the right reasons. And I would hear that all the time: “This is an anonymous donation. I’m doing it for the right reasons.” You know, it has like a nice ring to it, doesn’t it? I’m not doing it for the credit. That feels like it’s good. But here’s the problem with that. You’re not modeling this behavior. You’re not showing your friends and neighbors that being charitable and supporting other people, or that helping the less fortunate or that being involved in the social good is something that our society values. It’s something that you value. You know, a lot of us get our habits, quite frankly, from our families. But the secondary place we get our habits is from our friends and neighbors. And if I see my friends and neighbors all giving to a charity, I am much more likely to think, well, wait a minute, this must be a charity that is worthwhile, because after all, my neighbor John or my friend Jim, or whomever, sort of vouches for it. Is this happening in the workplace where everybody has convinced themselves that if they keep their head down and be quiet, they will somehow be — I don’t know — better than if they own what they have and model good work behavior and move forward in a respectful yet bold way.

Chelsey Brooke: Yeah, I think that’s a really good point, and what you’re really talking about is that we can think that talking about what we’re doing is bragging in some way — just like mentioning whatever we’re doing. So for introverts especially, I think it’s really important for us to realize that being authentic is going to look different for us than an extrovert. However, that doesn’t mean that we don’t need to advocate for ourselves in those ways that I’ve talked about, like using email to send notes of appreciation or encouragement or to say something, you know, you forgot to add in a meeting, because in group meetings — as the myths often come for introverts — is that we’re shy, we’re antisocial. A lot of times because we are inundated with classrooms and in group meetings. And that’s not where we shine. You know, that’s not our best place. We really shine more with one-on-one conversation. But still, the way that you can show your participation even in those situations is to send follow-up emails about questions or thoughts that came up during the meeting. Come to the meeting prepared with questions. And I encourage my clients to ask questions in the beginning of the meeting instead of waiting for an opportune time, because that’s another thing that introverts struggle with, is they don’t want to interrupt people. So I, as an extrovert, would think nothing of just speaking right after somebody else was done or speaking whether they are called on or not. Introverts actually think that’s being rude sometimes. So we will wait to be asked a question, or we’ll wait to raise our hand. And then that can look like we’re not participating when really we’re just actually trying to be nice and do what we think is respectful. So asking those questions beforehand in the beginning of the conversation before you get that awkward, anxious feeling, also helps ensure it’s being more authentically themselves as well.

Gabe Howard: But let’s say at this point in the show, somebody is listening and they’re like, oh my, I am the introvert, I am the person at work. I don’t understand it. I feel very stuck. How do they become unstuck and start moving forward with their career or their life?

Chelsey Brooke: First of all, I think it’s important to have a mindset shift on what that means. So a lot of times the difference between staying stuck or getting unstuck has to do with our perspective. Feeling stuck doesn’t have to be this terrible experience, even though I often feel that way at the time. It can feel so heavy and draining, but it’s really just your body’s way of telling you that something isn’t right — time for a change in your current situation that has run its course. So feeling stuck can be a new catalyst into a new, better, more aligned situation. Or it can be the point at which you just settle into discontent for the rest of your life, which we don’t want to do that. So recognizing that, or feeling their emotions are often just a feedback mechanism for what’s going on in our heads and hearts, it gives us so much more peace and understanding how to start making changes in our lives. So first, starting with that mindset, “stuck” doesn’t have to be a terrible thing as it’s just my body’s way of telling me something isn’t right. And then the next step would be, again, understanding yourself and your interests, especially introverted women. A lot of times, that starts with going back to childhood, thinking about your school experiences, your work experiences. You know, how would you describe what was valued in your family? A lot of times introverts are raised, sometimes with no one to understood their introversion. I know I was fortunate enough to be raised by a mom who is an introvert, but we didn’t even know at the time as I was growing up to call it introversion. She really appreciated my quiet strength, but we didn’t know to call it introversion. So it wasn’t until I started college at 16 and really got into introversion and psychology and sociology that I even found out that piece of me and really started putting all my life together. So understanding yourself, your brain and then working on, really working on, rebuilding your self belief because an introvert, a lot of times, like I said, we have all of these myths and misconceptions around who we are, and we have these expectations from other people about what we should be. So a lot of times, we don’t always have the best self-belief in who we are, because we don’t even know what that looks like. We don’t even know what being an authentic introvert looks like. Reframing and reshaping the way that you think about yourself and your strength. And then finally creating that success mindset where you’re really building resiliency. So even when you have fears or self-doubt, negative self talk, which we all have sometimes, you know what to do when those things come out. So that’s kind of a three way approach that I encourage people to really work with. If they are feeling stuck in their lives.

Gabe Howard: I really like the three-step approach, and I like that your goal is to help people get the most out of their lives. And when we talk about getting the most out of our lives, whether it’s family, career or hobbies, we’re really talking about efficiency and productivity. How do introverts work most efficiently and productively in the world?

Chelsey Brooke: So specifically thinking about an ideal introvert work environment, it is really pretty simple. It’s based on the idea that creativity really thrives with silence, independence, and organization. So to do our best work, we really need physical space to be on our own preferred way, not a cubicle. Since this really doesn’t give us the quietness that we need, we need to schedule time to be uninterrupted as introverts. We can really get deep into thought, and we can process something. And if we’re really into something, and then we have someone come over and say, Hey, what do you want for lunch? We have to come up out of all those thoughts just to answer what we want for lunch. Something so trivial — it can take another 20 minutes for us to get back into that deep thought process that we were in. So scheduling time to be uninterrupted is really important. And having a daily, weekly schedule, a meeting and clear expectations for projects or presentations that are coming up really gives us that safety and consistency and organization to know what’s expected of us and then what we need to do. And then the option to provide feedback or participation through written form. A lot of times, introverts feel like they really express themselves more effectively and more authentically through written form instead of talking. Even being able to do that really helps us as well. So these simple guidelines, which really can be helpful for any personality type, give us the time and space we need to process not only the opinions and ideas of those around us, but also consider our own thoughts and how we can organize them into clear, concise and helpful feedback. So a typical work environment is usually more skewed to favor extroverts than introverts. But I think this was really a disservice to both personality types, to introverts, because we aren’t able to show our best work in that kind of environment. And for extroverts, because they can really also benefit from individual time to formulate their thoughts and stay organized and on task as well.

Gabe Howard: In doing the research for this show, I visited your Web site, which is an excellent Web site, and I recommend that the audience visit. It’s at www.ThePathfinderForYou.com. It’s in the show notes. Very, very cool website. But one of the questions that was on there, and I’m just going to read it exactly — and I am really interested in your answer — it says, how can I learn to tap into my feminine qualities and incorporate them into my life and work?

Chelsey Brooke: Hmm, going back to that, you know, masculine and feminine qualities. A lot of times, even in our families and in our workplaces and a culture at large, we can feel like our feminine qualities are not as valuable or front and center as the more masculine qualities. So if you’re feeling out of touch, and you don’t even know what that would look like for you, I really encourage women to just start engaging in those nurturing activities, and you can try a whole bunch of different things if you don’t and what that would be — for example, reading, writing and being expressive, like getting involved in art, pottery, going out to look at the beauty of nature or going to a museum or selling or cooking or gardening or any of those kinds of things. And if you’re not sure, I would encourage you to just try to go out and see which ones really resonate with you. I know for me, whenever I get around kids, it just really brings out my nurturing kind of maternal instinct, I guess. And it just makes me so very authentic within my feminine qualities. So getting into that and doing those activities, and seeing what that feels like and looks like, you can then get working on incorporating that in the workplace as well, just by feeling like you can bring your sensitivity and compassion and understanding into the workplace. And it’s actually a strength and it could be helpful in so many situations rather than just feeling like you have to be this bold, assertive, direct, logical person. Bringing in understanding and compassion can really be helpful in any environment and can make you feel like you’re being more authentic as well.

Gabe Howard: Chelsea, thank you so much for being on the show and thank you for all of your answers. Do you have any final words for our audience?

Chelsey Brooke: Hmm, yes, I’m so glad you asked that. So I know for me the biggest thing that I learned throughout my journey is that being an introvert is OK. There’s nothing wrong with you. There can be so many interactions and experiences and environments that we’re in that make us feel like we’re just, we don’t fit in or that we don’t belong. And it’s so important for introverts to know that they’re OK, and that there’s nothing wrong with who they are and to really tap into their strengths. So many times when I work with introverts, once they learn what their strengths are, they’re so happy that they are introverts. They just never looked at themselves in that way before. So doing your research, getting more understanding about what being an introvert means and how it impacts your life, and then reframing your self-belief into being more authentic with what your strengths are and incorporate that into your daily life. I think the best advice that I can give introverts is knowing that they are okay, and that they can be their authentic selves.

Gabe Howard: Wonderful. Chelsey, thank you again for being on the show, we really appreciated having you.

Chelsey Brooke: Yes. Thank you so much.

Gabe Howard: And listeners, if you could do me a favor and spread the word on social media. Email a friend. Don’t make us the best kept secret on the Internet any more. We really appreciate your help getting the word out. I would take it as a personal favor if you tell at least 100 people by the time I’m done talking. And remember, you can get one week of free, convenient, affordable, private online counseling anytime, anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. We’ll see everybody next week.

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