I Feel So Excluded It Hurts

From a 14 year old girl in the U.S.: I cry myself to sleep some nights wondering where I went wrong. Where life went wrong and this seems to be one of those nights.

I have this constant feeling of loneliness and entrapment. My sisters are all in their late 20’s late to early 30’s and they all have lives and jobs.

Now I know I am loved and everything but I just can’t shake the feeling of loneliness.

I don’t have many friends and don’t know why, I am kind and reach out to people but I can never seem to connect and when I see people on their group of friends, that really hurts and I can’t help but be jealous.

I don’t go out much I wish I could, but that isn’t up to me. My dad likes to stay home while I want to go out and have fun but I don’t ask to go to the mall and buy a million things, just simply go to a park, Swimming, anything but the answer is always no.

I want to enjoy life but I can’t do that from my screen my dad won’t let me have social media either and my dad is too old for activities (he’s 51 has diabetes, arthritis and mental health problems)

I love my family but I feel so excluded. It just hurts.

Thank you for writing. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong.  It sounds to me like your father is too wrapped up in his own problems to understand the normal needs and activities of a girl your age. As you already know, it’s not that he doesn’t love you. It’s that his energy level is so low that he can’t manage being a dad as well as a father. Your sisters are also so focused on their own lives that they may have forgotten what it is like to be an early teen. You don’t mention a mother so I’m guessing that for some reason she isn’t in the picture.

My guess is that the reason you don’t have as many friends as you’d like is related to your isolation. You aren’t able to participate with other kids so you can’t develop the relationships that grow naturally from sharing experiences.

You do need help. You do need to be allowed to participate in the normal activities of people your age. I suggest that you talk to your school guidance counselor. Identify a sport or club or activity you want to be involved in. Ask if there is a way for you to get transportation to and from.

You might also ask the counselor to talk to your dad about reasonable use of the internet. I understand why he is fearful of letting you get on social media. The news is full of reports of negative things that can happen to teens on the air waves. But the internet is here to stay. Teens generally use technology to keep in touch with friends, to relax, and to do research for school and for personal concerns. The focus needs to be on helping you use it is a healthy way, not to prevent you from using it at all.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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