10 Strategies for Coping with an Adult Narcissistic Child

“My daughter who is 18 fits most of these (narcissistic) examples. For the last year, after her second suicide attempt, I have probably been way too lenient on her because of my fear of losing her. I truly feel at my wits end with her unfair accusations and manipulative behavior and have now had to reconcile ‘losing her’ in one way or another in order to save myself. She lives with me. How can I support her while still enforcing safe boundaries? What strategies have helped others, specifically when she wants to engage in a battle with me (at 1am) and starts threatening to move out, sleep in the car, or harm herself?”

This is an except taken from a comment on the article Narcissistic Abuse Cycle. The mother is struggling with how to cope, manage, and deal with an adult narcissistic child who threatens to harm themselves. Her concern is very valid as narcissists have one of the highest suicidal rates of any personality disorder. Here are some strategies she can use to help both herself and her child:

1. Affirmations work. Narcissists need a daily supply of attention, affection, admiration, and appreciation. By giving them the affirmations that they need, their ego is boosted, their insecurities are tamed, and they feel noticed. Think of this a preventative medicine rather than a prescription afterwards.
2. Take a daily break. Even full-time jobs recommend several breaks during the day to rejuvenate, eat, and use the restroom, knowing that this actually increases productivity. The same should be done at home, especially when a narcissist lives there. Begin by adding 15-minute breaks into morning and nighttime routines. Find several safe places to “hide” that provide a time-out of sorts to think and reflect before reacting. One of the typical abuse tactics of narcissism is to generate confusion so that the only voice others hear is the narcissist’s. This break technique is extremely beneficial at counteracting that.
3. Focus on recovery. The process of recovery takes time, patience, and energy; time to invest in sorting through the narcissist’s abuse and trauma, patience to go at a pace that allows for healing and doesn’t re-traumatize, and energy to release pent up emotions, thoughts, aggravations, fears, and confusion. Some of this can be done alone, but much of this should be done in a therapeutic setting. This ensures the process is complete and lasting.
4. Use other narcissists. Point out the narcissism in others such as political, sports, and entertainment figures. Once the seeds of the narcissistic dysfunction are planted, it is easier to help identify the behavior in the adult child. This is even more effective when the narcissistic figure is on the adult child has little to no respect for.
5. Set absolutes. In the case of repeated suicidal threats, it is important to seek out the assistance of a professional. A contractual agreement can then be generated that includes immediate hospitalization if a threat is made. For a narcissist, the embarrassment of being hospitalized is usually enough to keep them from making another threat again. But if they do, the agreement must be executed immediately and without extending a second chance.
6. Go to family counseling. The best type of therapy is one in which the parents and adult child are equal participants. If needed, siblings can be added to the treatment as well. This allows for a level of accountability for everyone’s behavior, helps to mediate between disagreements, and provides a safe place to vent frustrations.
7. Use the hamburger method. One of the best ways of confronting a narcissist is the hamburger method: compliment, confront, compliment. By sandwiching a confrontation in between two compliments, the likelihood that it will be heard and understood greatly increases. Confronting head on is never ideal. This makes the narcissist feel attacked and they become too defensive to be reasoned with.
8. Don’t tolerate any abusive behavior. One of the main reasons for divorce in a marriage including a narcissist is the narcissist’s abusive behavior. There is no reason to tolerate any type of abuse. When dealing with narcissists, usually you should just walk away, hang up the phone, block them if needed, and/or call the police. Move the tolerance level to a more acceptable pace. Dealing with a narcissistic child is a little bit different, but you should still make it sternly evident that you will not allow any abusive behavior to continue.
9. Counteract the gaslighting. A typical form of mental abuse commonly utilized by narcissists is gaslighting. This is where the narcissist denies reality and instead paints a completely different picture so believable that the other person thinks they are going crazy. To counteract this tactic, it is useful to keep a journal of facts and incidents. For instance, writing down that the narcissist had a fit at Thanksgiving over an ungrateful relative. This is not to keep a record of wrongs, but rather to have some point of reference when the story is twisted into the relative losing it and verbally assaulting the narcissist.
10. Don’t lose your identity. Narcissists have a way to trying to transform the people in their lives into mini versions of themselves. Their dominant ego dictates that other’s lives would be better if they were more like the narcissist. It takes a large amount of self-awareness to keep an ego intact in the face of such pressure. While it is difficult, it is not impossible.

These strategies can help when living with a narcissist. Whether you find yourself related to a narcissist through blood or marriage, creating these healthy boundaries and limiting the amount of control the narcissist has over you and others will help to create a safer environment for all involved parties. Remember, if you are having difficulty on your own, there are always resources you can use to seek help, something you should never hesitate to do if needed.

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The Personality Traits Linked To High IQ

People don't normally link these traits to being smart.

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Is This an Addiction to an Unhealthy Level of Caring?

From the U.S.: I’ve recently come across a problem with someone I am close with. This person seems to be borderline “addicted” (not sure if that’s the right word) to hearing someone say they care about them in a really unhealthy way. I’m not sure of specific examples but it has been described as “think about the worst thing you could possibly do, and imagine telling someone you’d do that for them because you care about them that much.” I can go into more background details but I am posting because it has almost ruined this person’s life because they know it’s unhealthy and won’t let someone else say those things because it ruins the other person. But that’s ultimately what they want and can’t be with someone and care about them or the need for these things to be said becomes too real. Anyone have any experience with this or know what it is?

It sounds like your friend is very, very insecure and needs dramatic reassurance to feel okay in a relationship. Unfortunately, the way she tries to get that reassurance has the opposite effect. It pushes other people away. I suggest that your friend seek out a therapist to get to the root of her insecurities. Until she does, she is going to have difficulty relaxing into a trusting relationship of any kind.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Best of Our Blogs: August 31, 2018

What do you when you come to a fork in the road and you’re not sure what to do next?

You created a pros and cons list, sought advice from friends and family, but you’re no closer to knowing what to do next.

I often think that when we don’t have an answer, we don’t have enough information yet. You might need to spend more time in the unknown, do more research or go somewhere quiet to reflect.

This week’s post may help you make that decision by reading about a common issue-unhealthy relationships.

5 Unhealthy Relationship Patterns Childhood Trauma Sets for Us
(Psychology of Self) – There’s a surprising connection between your behavior and relationship problems.

Toxic Behaviors: 12 Examples of Unhealthy Boundaries
(Caregivers, Family & Friends) – He or she drives you crazy. It’s likely they’re pushing your boundaries by doing this.

Four Reasons You Wake Up with a Bad Attitude
(NLP Discoveries) – Wake up on the wrong side of your bed? There could be biological reasons causing your grumpy mood.

Put Your Camera Away! 6 Things to Consider Before You Take Any More Pictures
(Sorting Out Your Life) – See what you’re in danger of when you snap that photo.

How to Reclaim Your Self-Confidence in Codependent Relationships
(Happily Imperfect) – It’s the self-care that’s needed when your worth is dependent on someone else. Read how you can finally begin to release yourself from the chains of codependency.

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MindBlog is on vacation Aug. 31 - Sept. 22

Deric and Len just arrived in Amsterdam today. We will hang out here for a few days before getting on a Viking river boat cruise from Amsterdam to Budapest, Sept. 4 - Sept. 18.  MindBlog posts will probably be infrequent or absent until late September.  Having banged out 4,522  posts since MindBlog's start in 2006, maybe it's time for a break!

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Do Therapists Ever Try to Get a Patient to “Break Up” with Them?

I’ve been attending therapy for several months now and just recently (last three times) my therapist has been coming out about 20 minutes late and often ending early. She never acknowledges it, but a 50-minute session was 20 minutes. Is this an attempt to communicate something? I do struggle with talk therapy; I began going because it’s something you’re supposed to do after a suicide attempt (6 months ago due to amalgamation of MDD, fertility/hormonal issues, eating disorder, job stress, and childhood trauma). I spend a fair amount of time staring at the carpet during appointments because I don’t know what to say. I have been in therapy before, and I did the same thing, so it’s not on her. I feel like I may not have the personality for this to be successful or I’ve made her uncomfortable, but she doesn’t want to push someone seen as vulnerable over the edge, so instead she just turns up late. Is this a thing?

This is not a “thing” that any therapist should do. Therapists receive training about how to terminate therapy. Something must be wrong.

You could ask her why your sessions are so short. Don’t assume it’s your fault. Her behavior is unprofessional and not the norm. Ask her why. Hesitant? Write her a note or leave her a message on her answering machine. Don’t blame yourself. If you have little to say, she should be asking you constant questions.

It also may be a sign that you need a new therapist. Not all clients and therapists are a match.

Understandably, you should continue counseling because of the reasons stated. I would urge you to keep trying but with someone else. Your willingness to try, even though it’s difficult, significantly increases your chances of success. The next step is finding a good therapist.

Call four or five therapists. Discuss the issues you would like help with and ask them how they would help you. Meet the ones you like in-person. The one you like the most will probably be your best choice. It’s worth the effort to find the right therapist. It can make all the difference. Thank you for your question.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Are You Happy Being Miserable?

Everyone knows a few people who almost constantly moan and groan, complain and whine. They blame circumstances and concurrent emotions on others and take little responsibility for how they view the world or their role in their own unhappiness. You might live or work with such a person — or even be one.

In a recent conversation with a long-married woman, she divulged that her husband is a chronic complainer — generally finding the dark cloud surrounding the symbolic silver lining. She chalks it up to a childhood in which emotional literacy was discouraged. He comes from a long line of pessimists. It is a challenge for her to maintain her own generally cheerful demeanor as she searches for ways to do an end-run around the roadblocks to his satisfaction with how his life is unfolding.

I recall a sign in one of my places of employment that had a red circle with a line down the middle and the word “whining” in the center to indicate that this was a “no whining zone.”  I do my best to make my mind that type of place as well.

People complain for a few reasons. “We use complaints as icebreakers,” said Clemson University psychology professor Robin Kowalski, PhD, in speaking to WebMD. “We start a conversation with a negative observation because we know that will get us a bigger response than saying something positive would.”

I wonder how that came to be, since I prefer feeling good to feeling disgruntled. It takes its toll on my vitality and ability to function at peak capacity.

One need look no further than social media or the television screen, which are lively platforms where complaints find comforting homes. Complaints can be the glue that bonds people as in cases when groups might come together over a political stance or a needed change, such as repairing a road filled with potholes. If we see others as sharing our views, we are validated and continue our downward spiral. Misery loves company, indeed. Complaining allows us to vent frustration and anger in safe, socially acceptable ways. It’s good to unload rather than lug these feelings around. But complaining can become habitual — or even addictive.

As someone who ‘shows up, stands up and speaks out,’ when I witness injustice being done, I prefer to focus on ways of making positive change rather than demonizing what I don’t like. When I attend vigils and rallies that are pro-peace, I see signs that put down the opposition. As clever as they are, I choose not to focus on that mindset.

Pay attention to your thoughts throughout the day. What’s the first thing that runs through your mind when you wake up: Is it gratitude or worry? Do you imagine what could go wrong? Do you complain about the other people in your life? Before I roll out of bed, I set an intention (the same one I have had for decades) to ‘have an extraordinary day and connect with amazing people.’ Each day I do just that.

Last year, I experience an ocular impediment in the form of a sty in my left eye. Besides being unsightly (no pun intended) with a swollen appearance, it impaired my vision. I have come to accept that physical symptoms are reflective of internal conditions. Instead of bemoaning it, I took the necessary steps to remedy it. Once I could see more clearly psychologically, I could see more clearly physically. Imagine that!

I also don’t want to see myself as limited in any way. In the past few years, a series of health challenges have had me slowing down even as I resist that necessity. I still work out at the gym and did a 5k in September 2017 and in the midst, felt the fear that my breathing would slow me down as it does when I am on the treadmill or walking fast paced uphill. I tend to minimize my challenges since I reason that others have far more severe impediments in their way.

My father used to guide me with the words, “If that’s the worst thing that happens to you, you’ll be okay.”

Mixed message, that one, since while it seems supportive, I internalized the idea that I had nothing to feel badly about… ever.

Another revelation came courtesy of a friend. After listening to me tell her how lately I have felt overwhelmed with people calling on me for support; some with chronic issues for which they saw no resolution and some who tended to “one up”, as in “my problems are worse than anyone else’s”, she pondered whether I had been taking on the energy until my body reacted by attempting to expel it through my eye. Made sense to me. Once I took in that wisdom, my body complied and cleared out the toxins (not wanting to get too graphic in my description, but suffice it to say that it wasn’t pretty) so that the lump is considerably smaller.

Chronic complaining is also a hazard to your health and is considered contagious. Neuronal mirroring is a factor as well. We see each other as reflections of each other, even if we are not conscious of the connection between us. When we are in the midst of those who are “happy being miserable”, it can be equated to the effect of second-hand smoke. We breathe in toxins even if we are not actually puffing away on the cigarette.

Complaints often focus on our “don’t wants”:

• “I don’t want to drink or do drugs, but it’s too hard to get clean.”
• “I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to diet.”
• “I want to quit smoking, but I’m under too much stress to give it up now.”
• “I want to be married, but don’t want to change anything in my current lifestyle.”
• “I want to graduate from college, but don’t really want to do the work involved.”
• “I want my house to be in order, but I don’t want to clean up after myself.”

I am recalling a dynamic that occurs here in the East Coast region of the United States each winter. As temperatures often plunge below zero and many feet of snow accumulate, folks understandably complain about delays and power outages. Those complaints didn’t stop the snow or the temperatures from falling, nor did they make us any warmer. On the flip side, each summer, people focus on the scorching sun and torrential rain. The truth is, the weather is the weather.

Many people take to social media to complain, knowing they’ll always find those who’ll carp along with them. But eventually complaining becomes ingrained and we see diminishing returns. There are certain things beyond our control, such as the weather, traffic and other people’s choices. What if we could change our focus to what’s working — or better yet, to what we can change?

Try these tips to help break the cycle of chronic complaining and retrain your brain:

• Focus on what you can control, such as attitude and actions.
• Evict the invaders in your head that make a mess of your mind.
• Give yourself a pity party pass. Take time to throw a mini-tantrum. When the “party” is over, leave.
• List what’s working in your life. Think of your home, family, friends, romantic relationships, work, creative outlets, health, spirituality, and community. Hold an attitude of gratitude.
• Make a positive change.

In 1981, I spent 10 days hiking, camping and cross-country skiing on an Outward-Bound course. An instructor taught us to be constructive instead of complaining. “If you’re cold, put on a layer of clothes,” he said. “If you’re hot, take off a layer of clothes. If your socks are wet, change them. Out here if your socks freeze, you’ll lose toes.” How often do we stay in “wet socks” when we could put on clean, dry ones?

Finally, remember these wise words from Anthony J. D’Angelo: “If you have time to whine and complain about something, then you have the time to do something about it.”

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The Therapist Speaks: The Benefits of Couples Counseling

There are many reasons why people seek couples counseling. There are also reasons why people don’t seek help with their relationship. You may feel as if the relationship is stagnant or deteriorating, and not know how to move forward. Your relationship may be filled with hurt, contempt, confusion, and sadness. You may feel disconnected from your partner over time, or due to hurtful things your partner has done. Your relationship may have spun out of control to the point where your self-identity has been called into question.

What to do?

Well, there are two paths to take. One calls for you to “stick it out” hoping that things will get better on their own. Perhaps you are afraid of moving from the status quo to one of growth, of change. Perhaps messages from your past tell you to “grin and bear it” and “hang in there” because the alternative might be worse than what you currently experience.  

The other side of the argument calls for action. It comes with the knowledge that things could be better, or at least you need to clarify what’s going on. It may be scary to admit that one’s relationship needs fine-tuning, a major overhaul, or a parting of the ways. Couples counseling may open up wounds that have been festering for a long time. But in the absence of exposing these wounds, healing is not possible. One needs to look at what’s really going to better understand why things have gone awry and what, if anything, can be done to repair or salvage the relationship.

Why Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling is about identifying, clarifying and resolving “core issues” that impede or strangle the relationship. While couples won’t necessarily agree on all issues or see things the same ways, core issues can become so intractable that the relationship becomes undermined.  

Many people mistakenly assume that only couples with serious problems can benefit from couple therapy. No relationship is free of conflict. Couple counseling can benefit all kinds of relationships, regardless of the severity of problems. Tangible benefits include, but are not limited to, improved patterns of communication, increased emotional and physical connection, and development of a life plan.  

The benefits of relationship counseling are endless, and often overlooked by couples in need of this type of therapy. There is still a stigma attached when it comes to couples counseling, and many avoid the issue out of a fear of perhaps embarrassment. Dealing with issues in your relationship on your own will not always solve the problem. There are struggles that only a trained psychotherapist can guide you through to a successful resolution. If you value your relationship and don’t want to lose it, but feel like you’re on the edge of doing so, then reach out to a therapist who specializes in couples counseling.

Your First Couples Therapy Session

What happens in a couples counseling session? Each session is unique and it depends on the style of the therapist. The therapist will build a rapport with both individuals so that they feel comfortable during the therapy session. Unresolved conflicts often stay just that — unresolved — festering inside of both individuals until it leads to anger and resentment. With the help of couples counseling, you can avoid this pitfall in your relationship.

No relationship is perfect and we all know this. Healthy relationships form the cornerstone of our daily interactions as human kind. We enjoy the feelings of love, safety, and security, but to achieve a balance in our relationships there are certain steps we can take so the process is smoother.

We seek relationships for a variety of purposes — safety and security, love and intimacy, to satisfy physical, emotional and spiritual needs, to name a few — and it is through our connections with others that we come to shape not only our view of the world around us, but the way we see ourselves.

Healthy relationships encourage interdependence while supporting personal growth and autonomy. They also place great value in open communication. However, even the most skilled couples and families can experience a breakdown in communication and increased conflict that results in avoidance and withdrawal, mistrust, unbalanced power and control, and an overall lack of patience and empathy.

Issues bringing clients to therapy include, but are not limited to, infidelity, poor communication, money, parenting or co-parenting, work or career issues, lack of physical or emotional intimacy, separation or divorce, caregiver stressors, abusive or other destructive relationships, grief and loss, and life transitions.

If you’re interested in couples counseling for your relationship, don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist. It may be the best decision you can take to save your relationship from common problems. Don’t let the fear of embarrassment or the shame of “reaching out for help” from a therapist hold you back from achieving the relationship with your loved one that you truly desire.

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These Dreams Indicate Good Mental Health

What your dreams say about your mental health.

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How To Spot The Cheating Partner In A Relationship

How income affects whether people cheat on their partner.

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• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
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Am I a Bad Person?

From the U.S.: I have SEVERE OCD. I was diagnosed with it in 2009. I have been in Therapy since then. My Mother passed away this past December from Uterine Cancer. I stopped going to Therapy because I was helping take care of her.

My current Doctor is cutting back on his practice so I’m now in between Doctors. Now, since 2009, I’ve taken Prozac. I take The Prozac at night because when I’m at work, I don’t want to get a stomach ache,and I work during the day.

Last Thursday, while at work, I had to use the bathroom. I put my smock over the bathroom stall. As I was going to get it, I saw someone’s crotch as that person was urinating.I don’t know if this person was 8,9 or 13 yrs. old. I know the person was underage. I don’t know how long and how many times I looked at the person’s crotch. It could’ve been 1 min., 2 mins. or 10 mins. I’m not sure.The underage person whose crotch I saw I think was Mentally Handicapped but he was still standing at the urinal.

The truth is that I couldn’t afford to go to counseling. After My Mother died, I had to get a job and pay the bills and other expenses to think about. I didn’t stop going to counseling because I felt like not going. It’s just I had other things on my mind plus, I couldn’t afford it financially.

Now, I know you don’t know me but I have to ask. Did I do anything wrong? Am I a bad person? I would really like to know. Please email and not call.

Yes, you did do something wrong. Staring at an underage or handicapped person’s crotch is against the law and rightfully so. But — and this is an important but — you weren’t knowingly doing it for your own titillation. You have OCD.

I’m not a lawyer, so I can’t respond to how the diagnosis factors in legally. But as a psychologist, I can say that I don’t see you as a bad person. I see you as a person with a long-term mental illness that isn’t currently being treated. It isn’t helpful to judge yourself harshly for what you did. It is more useful to understand the incident as a signal to yourself that you still need treatment.

Sadly, you’ve had a hard lesson in the consequences of not working with a therapist. Get back into treatment with a prescriber and a therapist. There are alternatives if you don’t have the ability to pay. See this article for a list of options.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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TPCS Podcast: Mental Health Resilience in Gay Men

 

It’s no surprise that gay men have been one of the many groups subject to mental health issues. What is surprising, though, is how well they bounce back from such issues. Our guest this week has studied resilience in gay men and literally wrote the book on the subject. He shares with us some stories found in the book and behind-the-pages experiences from the writing of it. He stresses that the book is not just for the gay community, however, as many of the issues are fairly universal, including the anger we feel due to our experiences. Listen to hear more.

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Resilience in Gay Men Show Highlights:

“The real surprise is not the disproportionate rate of mental illness among gay men, but the high proportion of resilience.” ~ John-Manuel Andriote

[4:30]   Is this book just for the gay community?

[5:58]   Stories of resilience.

[12:57] What about the anger from our experiences?

[15:36] Are there any specific mental health issues in the LGBT community that don’t exist outside of it?

[18:35] How John writes such a wide variety of genres.

[22:41] Surprising things learned while writing the book.

 

 

About Our Guest

John-Manuel Andriote has written about LGBT, HIV-AIDS, and other health and medical subjects since the early 1980s. He is the author of Stonewall Strong: Gay Men’s Heroic Fight for Resilience, Good Health, and a Strong Community; Victory Deferred: How AIDS Changed Gay Life in America; Hot Stuff: A Brief History of Disco/Dance Music; Tough Love: A Washington

Reporter Finds Resilience, Ruin, and Zombies in His ‘Other Connecticut’ Hometown; and a ‘fable for kids ages 5 to 105’ called Wilhelmina Goes Wandering. His articles have appeared in the Washington Post, The Atlantic, the Huffington Post, and leading LGBT publications across America. Andriote regularly speaks to audiences at conferences and universities and is interviewed by print and broadcast media. He has been an adjunct communication and journalism instructor at Eastern Connecticut State University and Three Rivers Community College, and has served as a communication and senior technical advisor for U.S. government-supported and non-governmental HIV-AIDS projects since the late 1980s.

Find him online:

Website | Facebook | LinkedIn | Twitter | YouTube

About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. He is also one of the co-hosts of the popular show, A Bipolar, a Schizophrenic, and a Podcast. As a speaker, he travels nationally and is available to make your event stand out. To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. He is also the author of several award-winning novels and creator of the costumed hero, Dynamistress. Visit his websites at www.vincentmwales.com and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

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Let go of that toxic relationship and move on!

If you are in a toxic relationship and find yourself longing to be free from the negativity it causes in your life,  yet you stand at the precipice, waiting, too afraid to take the leap off the metaphorical cliff, then read on, there is hope.

Letting Go:

While letting go of anything can be very difficult, letting go of a toxic relationship can be extremely so; it is akin to letting go of a drug. An addiction to a person can be stronger than a heroin addiction.  It requires facing your anxieties, grieving your losses, and coping with the emotions involved with fear, emptiness, rage, loneliness, betrayal, and many others.

One reason you may find your relationship addiction so difficult to break is because it  meets your felt needs. It probably meets your somatic needs for human connection in tangible ways – physical, emotional, and social.

Another reason toxic relationships are so difficult to leave is because they hook you in by offering a “promise” to heal and resolve a core wound in your psyche. Perhaps you were ignored as a child or abandoned or were raised by a narcissistic parent. Some hurt that occurred in your early life left an open wound that you managed to cover up through the years by developing coping mechanisms and survival strategies. Core wounds get triggered when in toxic relationships because they offer you the hope to “FINALLY” get that unmet need met.

The reason you stay beyond what is reasonable is because you are holding on to false hope. The hope may even be unconscious, or barely perceivable to your conscious mind. You are hoping that that longing in your heart will be fulfilled when your toxic loved one finally “sees the light” and comes to his/her senses, meeting your need to be validated.

If you are at the place in your life where you are standing on the edge of the recovery cliff, looking out at the unknown, afraid to jump, then you are at what those in the addiction recovery field call the “preparation” phase of change making:

“At this stage people begin to see that they are responsible for their choices and have the power to make life-changing decisions. They need to do it for themselves, but need not do it by themselves. They set an intention to gather resources, whether it is in the form of therapeutic intervention, 12 step meetings or other sober supports. They set a timeline and may make a verbal or written commitment.”  (Weinstein, 2015).

Once you realize a need to change, the next step is to Take Action:

“In this phase, people take the actual steps to engage in positive mental, emotional and physical change by immersing themselves in  recovery. This is a “life makeover” that could include developing a fitness plan, dietary adaptation, as well as time with positive people and activities that are heart- and soul-nourishing. This is the time to “re-write” their life story, reminding them that their history is not their destiny.” (Weinstein, 2015).

Taking action involves five steps:

(1) Decide to be  loyal to yourself rather than the other person.

(2) Be committed to reality and recovery.

(3) Challenge your current belief system.

(4) Determine what is healthy for you to do.

(5) Physically take action that involves taking care of yourself.

Moving On:

Moving on requires you to look forward rather than to the past for guidance. Ask yourself, “What can I do today that is healthiest for my future self?” When you find yourself tempted to look in the rear view mirror at your life, pondering how you could have done things better to make the relationship work, stop and remind yourself that you alone are not responsible for the success of any relationship.

Also, it is important to be mindful that toxic people are incapable of having healthy relationships with any other person, not just you. You can turn yourself into a pretzel (and I’m sure you’ve already tried that,) but nothing works. Stop the torture and just face the truth – your loved one is limited and incapable of doing better.

Also, encourage yourself with these realities:

• It’s not your fault.
• You did’t cause it and you can’t cure it.
• You can choose to believe in a better tomorrow.
• You can stop idealizing the relationship.
• You don’t need to hold on to regret. You can choose to let go of it.

One thing that will really help you to move on is to picture in your mind’s eye you literally turning the page in a book to a new chapter. Look at “Moving On” or “Next” as the title of this chapter if you like. If you find yourself reminiscing over what used to be or what could have been, stop yourself and picture yourself turning the page to the next chapter of your life.

This next chapter is a blank canvas waiting for you to paint on it. Draw your future. Take care of yourself at all times. Do not overly dramatize your past relationship. Grieve its ending, wipe your tears, determine to be strong, and look to a happier future.

 

References:

Weinstein, E. (2015). The Six Stages of Change in Addiction Recovery. Living Sober, Taking Care of Yourself, published January 26, 2015.

 

 

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Collective intelligence is improved by intermittent breaks in interaction.

Interesting work from Bernstein, Shore, and Lazer:

Significance

Many human endeavors—from teams and organizations to crowds and democracies—rely on solving problems collectively. Prior research has shown that when people interact and influence each other while solving complex problems, the average problem-solving performance of the group increases, but the best solution of the group actually decreases in quality. We find that when such influence is intermittent it improves the average while maintaining a high maximum performance. We also show that storing solutions for quick recall is similar to constant social influence. Instead of supporting more transparency, the results imply that technologies and organizations should be redesigned to intermittently isolate people from each other’s work for best collective performance in solving complex problems.

Abstract

People influence each other when they interact to solve problems. Such social influence introduces both benefits (higher average solution quality due to exploitation of existing answers through social learning) and costs (lower maximum solution quality due to a reduction in individual exploration for novel answers) relative to independent problem solving. In contrast to prior work, which has focused on how the presence and network structure of social influence affect performance, here we investigate the effects of time. We show that when social influence is intermittent it provides the benefits of constant social influence without the costs. Human subjects solved the canonical traveling salesperson problem in groups of three, randomized into treatments with constant social influence, intermittent social influence, or no social influence. Groups in the intermittent social-influence treatment found the optimum solution frequently (like groups without influence) but had a high mean performance (like groups with constant influence); they learned from each other, while maintaining a high level of exploration. Solutions improved most on rounds with social influence after a period of separation. We also show that storing subjects’ best solutions so that they could be reloaded and possibly modified in subsequent rounds—a ubiquitous feature of personal productivity software—is similar to constant social influence: It increases mean performance but decreases exploration.

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Healing from Divorce

Divorce is one of the most difficult experiences a person can have. No one ever enters a divorce with joy and glee. Prior to the decision to divorce someone there has been a lot of hurt. The course of events looks something like this:

Falling in Love – Dream of a happy future – Marriage – Sharing dreams together – Betrayal – Hurt/ Anger / Sadness – Hanging on – Decision to leave – Divorce

Once you get to the divorce phase of the relationship you have already been through quite an agonizing process of grief. Once it is all said and done, how do you proceed?

• Grieve:  Let yourself mourn the loss of your hopes, dreams, finances, children’s intact home, your identity, your home, and every other loss you’ve experienced because of the divorce.
• Look forward: There is no point in focusing on the past. Picture yourself shutting the door on your marriage, visualizing it as a room you are leaving. See yourself entering a new room, full of possibilities and hope.
• Clean house: It is time to get your life in order. Cleaning house is both literal and figurative. Take care of unfinished business. Organize your home. Finish your education. Whatever you have left unattended because of the emotional turmoil the divorce has caused you, now is the time to start putting the pieces back together.
• Connect with your children: The divorce has impacted your entire family; this includes your children. Your children probably have no idea how to heal from what happened in their lives and probably have no idea what to do with their feelings. The best thing you can do is lean in to your relationship with your children and be there for them and with them.
• Create a new normal:  Now that you are no longer part of a marriage, you have a new reality. You are single and independent. You can do whatever you want. You no longer have to share your decisions with your spouse.
• Fill in the gaps:  If your spouse was the “fun” part of the relationship, you become fun.  If you relied  on your spouse to be the creative arm of the family, you need to step up and develop your creativity. If you relied on your spouse to handle the finances, or maybe even earn the finances and support the family, it’s now your turn to figure out how to do all that.
• Be your own hero:  One of the rude awakenings we all come to realize with age and experience is that there really is no other person who is going to come along and save us. I’m sure you’ve come to that conclusion yourself now that you’ve been through a divorce. I’m not saying that you have to “go it alone” or be super-independent, “I don’t need anyone” person; but at the end of the day, you will be your own best resource.  Making peace with this reality is liberating.

Yes, getting a divorce is difficult, but so is staying in an unhealthy marriage. It is hard to face, but it is helpful to know that you’re not alone and that half the country (or even world) is divorced. Getting divorced hurts, but you will recover and have a better future as you go through the healing process.

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I Have No Friends

I have been schizophrenic from the age of 13. Ever since I had a mental illness I have had no friends besides my family. I feel bad when I see my younger brother has so many close friends and can go out with them. i do meet people at volunteer places but none of them are really friendly. What must I do to get friends? (From South Africa)

I am glad you have reached out here on this concern. Perhaps the best thing is to reach out to our forums as there are others struggling with the same concern. It is a safe place to ask, make connections, get support, and some suggestions.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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5 Personality Traits Happy People Share, According to Science

Are you happy? Only 33 percent of people would reply “yes” to that question, according to the 2017 Harris Poll Survey of American Happiness. Those results are perhaps unsurprising. We face more pressure now than ever before in our lives and careers. The world is an increasingly chaotic, noisy place.

Most of all, happiness means different things to different people, and because of that, there are many paths to achieve it. While one person may thrive in a fast-paced, competitive environment, another person may value being able to do their work alone in solitude.

While the “how” of happiness may vary between individuals, new research has found that there are a few personality traits that correlate strongly to better well-being.

The study conducted by positive psychologists, Jessie Sun, Scott Barry Kaufman, and Luke D. Smillie, broke down the classic Big Five personality framework into more nuanced dimensions, which allowed them to paint a more specific picture of what contributes to well-being and happiness.

In their results, they found five different “personal paths to well-being”:

1. Enthusiasm

Sociable and expressive, enthusiastic love to laugh and have fun. They tend to have more positive emotions, self-acceptance, and purpose in life. This reflects in their happiness levels:  people high in enthusiasm report higher life satisfaction and stronger relationships.

2. Low withdrawal

Everyone gets overwhelmed and turns inwards sometimes, but those low in withdrawal handle it more gracefully. They are lower in neuroticism, which means they experience less anxiety and aren’t as self-conscious. Put simply, they are more emotionally stable and less reactive to stress.

3. Industriousness

Perfectionists and productivity lovers rejoice! According to this study, being high in elements of conscientiousness is a good thing. The propensity to think ahead, plan, work hard, and follow through are not only linked to high-achievement, but also a feeling of mastery and engagement in life.

4. Compassion

Thoughtful, empathic people can get ahead after all. People who are compassionate care about others’ well-being, and as a result, increase their own. So go ahead and spend some time today practicing gratitude or helping someone in your network. It’ll be well worth the time investment.

5. Intellectual Curiosity

Those who are intellectually curious love to solve complex problems, yet are open to new ideas. They reflect, think deeply, and challenge themselves to grow.

Assertiveness and creative openness were two traits also predictive of certain aspects of well-being, but less so than the five above. Additionally, the study found that politeness, orderliness, and volatility were not at all predictive of well-being.

Can any of these traits be acquired or developed? “Relax!” Kaufman says, “Personality can be changed. A large number of scientific studies are piling up now showing that interventions exist to change personality.”

One place to start is getting control over negative thinking and emotions. You’re capable of more growth than you think.

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9 Suggestions for Stressed-Out Working Moms

You’re a working mom who often feels stressed out. You’re exhausted. Maybe you feel like you’re not giving what you want to give to your kids and to your job. Maybe you also feel like you’re regularly running around and yet nothing really gets done. Maybe you don’t have enough energy. You certainly don’t have enough time.

Lack of time is a top stressor for Katelyn Denning’s clients. The moms she coaches feel like they don’t have enough time for their work, their kids, chores, projects and for themselves.

Maybe this sounds all-too familiar.

Working motherhood may be tricky and sometimes complicated. But it doesn’t have to be hard, according to Sarah Argenal, a mom to two boys who writes, speaks, consults and leads interactive trainings on work/life balance, intentional living, and connected family relationships for busy professionals at www.workingparentresource.com.

“Being a working mom can be an adventure, a fulfilling and enjoyable experience—albeit with challenging moments peppered throughout,” Argenal said.

Below you’ll find a variety of practical suggestions to help you minimize stress and savor the adventure.

Track and analyze your time. Denning suggested checking out Laura Vanderkam’s writing, which includes powerful time-management books, such as Off the Clock: Feel Less Busy While Getting More Done and I Know How She Does It: How Successful Women Make the Most of Their Time. (I love her work, too.) Vanderkam has a time-tracking sheet you can download at her website.

Denning has worked with many clients who discover that they actually have more time than they think they do, especially when they focus on an entire week (versus a single day).

“If you look at a single day as a working mom, it can feel overwhelming with everything that you have to do,” said Denning, a mom of two and a coach for new moms just returning to work, helping them set priorities, tackle mom guilt, and simplify their lives so they can enjoy working motherhood. But when you look at your week, you might realize that you have several open evenings or mornings for meaningful activities.

Tune in. “The longer I’m a mom, the more I realize that being a parent is all just one continuous evolution,” Argenal said. Every new phase her kids go through sparks new challenges and opportunities for growth. For everyone. Which also can feel disorienting, she said.

Argenal has found it helpful to regularly check in with herself. She suggested doing this especially “when you’re feeling overwhelmed, guilty, or like you’re doing it all wrong”: How are you feeling? What’s on your mind? What’s stressing you out, or draining you? What triggers you? What energizes you? What makes you happy? What do you need? How can you give this to yourself?

Be bad at things. “I don’t mind that I choose to be ‘bad’ at dinner parties,” said Sarah K. Peck, the founder of Startup Pregnant, a website for women entrepreneurial parents, and host of The Startup Pregnant Podcast, an interview show digging into the lives of working parents. She makes 8-minute pasta with butter because what really matters to her is being with friends (instead of waiting until she has the time and energy to prepare a big, fancy meal).

“Pick a few things to care about, and then make sure you’re getting ‘D’s’ and ‘F’s’ on your report card in other areas,” said Peck, a mom to one son and expecting her second.

Denning also helps her clients identify and prioritize what’s most important to them (versus doing something because they think they should). For instance, maybe you love making home-cooked meals or maybe you feel pressured to. Maybe you love yoga, and it’s vital for your well-being, and thereby a non-negotiable.       

Rethink work hours. Is it possible to adjust your work hours so they work better for you? Can you work from home some days? When Peck was growing up, her dad worked from 6 a.m. to 2 p.m. and did school pick-up. As an entrepreneur, Peck sets her own schedule and doesn’t have a commute.

Focus on your energy. “[W]hen I have more energy, I can plan and deliver from a place of enthusiasm, instead of feeling depleted,” said Arianna Taboada, a maternal health expert, author, and owner of a consulting firm that helps female founders intelligently design maternity leave plans that meet their business model and personal needs.

Recently, she realized that she feels more energized after sitting quietly with a book than after taking exercise classes. So, today, she carves out time to read two to three times a week.

Do less. “What works for me in this season of life—parenting a toddler and being the sole breadwinner—is: constantly find ways to do less,” Taboada said. Right now, this looks like not traveling for work more than three times a year, having her son in one activity, and doing only one “event” on weekends.

Argenal is also selective and intentional about her time. She used to say yes to everything: from reviewing a friend’s manuscript to taking on last-minute work projects to handling most of the housework. Which only left her drowning. “Today my family, my health, and anything else that fulfills me as a person gets my precious time, attention, and energy. Everything else—household chores, relationship drama, work ‘emergencies’—is delegated, minimized, automated, or eliminated from my life altogether.”

Don’t wait until you’ve got more time. Many of Denning’s clients put off projects until they have plenty of time to work on them. But the key is to start. “You’ll be 5 minutes further along than you were before and eventually those add up to a completed project,” she said. “Besides, when was the last time you actually had a significant chunk of uninterrupted time?”

Denning also suggested setting a timer to see how long tasks actually take. They might take less time than you think.

Experiment and reevaluate. “The routines and priorities that my clients set today, don’t have to be forever,” Denning said. “I encourage them to always reevaluate and change as their circumstances change.”

Taboada does quarter-long experiments: “[I]f one way of doing things isn’t working, I make some small tweaks, try them for a quarter, and assess.”

Create a ta-da list. This is what Denning calls a running list of tasks you’ve accomplished.  “We tend to look only at our looming to-do lists and all that we haven’t done. When you think about all that you do, from getting dinner on the table, taking care of your kids, paying bills, washing laundry and even catching 10 minutes to read a book, it’s pretty amazing.” 

“There are things beyond your control that really suck in today’s society,” like finding daycare coverage and commuting between work and school, Peck said. Sometimes, it can feel overwhelming just getting from place to place.

Taboada also noted that our social institutions and structures don’t make it easy to be working moms. “I believe what will change that is larger socio-cultural shifts, as well as finding the small ways we can maintain and survive with the resources available in the meantime.”

And by making some changes and tweaks, you can not only survive as a working mom. You can thrive, and you can flourish. In all spheres of your life.

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2 Personality Traits Linked To Chronic Anxiety

The two personality traits can interact with each other to produce chronic anxiety problems.

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• NEW: Accept Yourself: How to feel a profound sense of warmth and self-compassion
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
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The Diet Linked To Lower Depression Risk

Diet could help explain why women are twice as likely to be diagnosed with depression.

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• NEW: Accept Yourself: How to feel a profound sense of warmth and self-compassion
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything
• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do

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Why Are My Emotional Reactions Always Delayed

From a teen in the U.S.: When I found out my cousin died I went back to bed and fell asleep. When I found out my grandma had a seizure I just kept eating my lunch. When I found out a friend of mine had a brain tumor I just kept eating and continued to eat the candy I had in front of me all while I was in deep thought.

All of my initial responses are numb and not as intense as those around me, I never broke into tears or gasp loudly or panic. My mind even tends to wander to other thoughts unrelated to the news I just received. But a few hours later I will always start feeling intense sadness. My sister always criticized me for being insensitive and not caring about the feelings of those around me or the people the news is about when that isn’t true. When I receive shocking news why is my reaction always late and not as intense and why does my body just continue the activity it was doing?

Thank you for writing. Everyone doesn’t respond to bad news in exactly the same way. You are, in fact, reacting. Your reaction is to go numb while your brain processes hard information. This isn’t uncommon although it may confuse those around you.

Please give yourself a break. You are not insensitive or uncaring. In fact, you are so sensitive that difficult emotions overwhelm you. By distancing from the feelings at first, you are giving yourself time to figure out how to manage them. All this is probably happening on an unconscious level.

It would be helpful in your relationships with others if you can find a way to say, “Give me a minute to let this all in.” Then withdraw for a bit to give yourself time to deal with your feelings. Be sure to go back to the people who share the loss to let them know that you are also affected and that you are there for them.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How to Figure Out Who You Are Outside of Work

If you love what you do, it’s all-too easy for it to consume your identity—especially if your career is demanding and fast-paced. You find yourself checking email after hours, and thinking about work. All. The. Time. You find yourself falling asleep with a laptop in your bed.

It’s also all-too easy for work to consume your identity when money is at stake. For instance, therapist Erin K. Tierno sees clients in New York City, where in order to survive financially, they must prioritize work—“because there will always be another person eager to fill their position.”

It’s common for young professionals to feel so emotionally drained by their work that they have zero energy to dedicate to dating, hobbies, friendships and everything else, said Lauren Canonico, LCSW, a psychotherapist and consultant in private practice in New York City.

For many people work—and overwork—is comfortable. What isn’t comfortable is what resides outside the office walls. Because inside there are clear-cut steps, structures, systems and goals, while other areas of life don’t adhere to a rulebook.

“There’s no magic number of dates to go on before you find the one. No set amount of difficult phone calls with your mother before she ‘gets’ you and understands what you need from her,” said Canonico, who offers affirmative counseling and therapy to adults and teens, and clinical consulting services to individuals and organizations.

“Life is much grayer and murkier, which is scary—particularly when your capacity to tolerate discomfort is all used up during your work day,” she said.

But letting work define you is problematic. When they’re not at work, Canonico’s clients describe feeling anxious, overwhelmed, lost, stuck and disconnected from themselves.

Licensed mental health counselor Diane Webb noted that when people don’t nourish their passions, they report a lower sense of who they are, a surge in depressed mood and a sense of emptiness. Some of Webb’s clients describe feeling like a real-life version of the movie “Groundhog Day.”

But it doesn’t have to be this way. Below, you’ll find a range of tips to help you figure out who you truly are outside of work, and as Webb said, “give your life a richness that is full of things that enlighten you, teach you, thrill you and soothe you.”

Wander your city. This is what Tierno prescribes to clients who can’t find anything they’re interested in outside of work. Tierno is a licensed clinical social worker and founder of Online Therapy NYC, where she specializes in helping dynamic, intelligent, driven, busy people to connect in healthier, more fulfilling relationships through online therapy.

That is, explore your city without any agenda. The only rule is to pay attention to what piques your interest. Because that’ll likely point you in the right direction.

“If your eye catches a spectacular piece of pottery in a shop window, let yourself go inside and spend some time looking around. Could this be the fledgling stages of a ceramics hobby?”

After you’ve gathered some data on what you might be curious about, give yourself several months to explore these interests, Tierno said. For instance, you might take a local class in wheel-throwing.

Don’t be surprised if you feel some discomfort: “[T]hese muscles have never been used before, or at least not in a very long time,” Tierno said. You might be used to being in charge and being seasoned at work. Try to embrace the unfamiliar, and focus on the process.

Set boundaries. Many people don’t have strict boundaries between work and home. Understandably. As Webb said, “People now carry their ‘office’ with them all day via their smartphone and other devices.” Maybe you actually work from home several days or every day. In other words, our home is no longer the place we exclusively relax and leave work behind.

Canonico stressed the importance of having a dedicated workspace to give yourself some concrete separation, if possible. Maybe that’s an office, or a desk in your living room or the same corner of the couch or kitchen table (depending on how much space you have). She also suggested changing clothes as soon as you get home (or perhaps stop working), “to ‘take off’ the day”; and not checking email or working for at least one hour after waking up and two to three hours before bed.

Boundaries are critical when you’re just starting your career, too. You might be tempted to work long hours and be available to your clients all the time. However, Canonico said it’s best to set boundaries right away. This way, “your clients and colleagues [don’t] have to ‘unlearn’ having 24/7 access to you. It’s easier to loosen as you go than tighten along the way.”

Other examples of boundaries include: not responding to work-related matters on weekends, and requesting another team member if you’re feeling overworked or overburdened, said Webb, who has a private psychotherapy practice in Clifton Park, N.Y., and pens the blog The Peace Journal about helping people develop emotional wellness as a lifestyle choice.

Your “boundaries with work should suit your work environment, the needs of your position and your individual needs to have the best result.”

Revisit old hobbies. Reflect on the activities and hobbies that you loved as a child, teen or young adult. Then carve out time to practice them. According to Webb, this might be anything from sports to hiking to baking.

Revisit relationships. “When someone’s work life takes precedence, their personal relationships often start to suffer,” Webb said. This is why she recommended refocusing on your relationships with a partner, kids, friends and family. Spend quality time with them. Have real conversations without interruption.

Create space to just be. “We have to intentionally create space for our true selves to emerge, which means holding time for ourselves to just be,” Canonico said. This is also a helpful way to practice tolerating discomfort.

Canonico shared these examples: You might spend 20 minutes in the morning drinking your coffee or tea, without any digital devices, or spend Sunday afternoons by yourself. Notice what thoughts and feelings arise. Where does your mind go when there’s no task or structure?

If you do need some structure, Canonico suggested finding writing prompts or doing Julia Cameron’s Morning Pages.

Meet like-minded people. Check out local meet-up groups, spiritual centers or adult sports teams, Webb said. Think about other places around potential passions, such as book clubs, art clubs and non-profit organizations.

Experiment with new experiences. This might include anything from trying watercolor painting to taking a dance class to participating in National Novel Writing Month, Canonico said. Even if you end up not enjoying an experience, that’s still important information. “There’s no such thing as failing when it’s an experiment.”

Tierno’s clients are initially fearful that their work success will suffer if they focus on other things. However, she finds the opposite is true: “[P]eople’s work lives actually flourish when they dedicate time to rounding out their life experience. That fulfilled person brings far more energy and curiosity to their work life, and is a heck of a lot more interesting to talk with at the company holiday party.”

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7 Tips to Take Charge of Your Time — and Your Life

“I know I should get to the gym every day but I don’t have time.” “I’d love to read to my kids every night but I don’t have time.” “I’d really like to get together with friends but I don’t have time.” “I know I should volunteer more but I just can’t fit it in.” “I’d work on the hobby I love but I don’t have time.”

Time. Time. Time. It’s such a common lament. I hear it every day — from my clients, from my friends, from my adult kids, from myself. The clock seems to be the enemy of all that is enriching, delighting and nurturing. Caught up in what we think we have to do, we put the things we most love to do, even things we need to do for our own physical and emotional health, at the bottom of the list.

The result? Our health suffers. Our relationships suffer. Our kids grow up without the family fun and nurturing they deserve. Hobby supplies get relegated to the back of the closet. We give up on dreams.

Sound familiar? Are you in charge of your time or has it become in charge of you? If you want to take more control of your time and your life, here’s a 7 step program for getting there.

7 Tips for Making Change

1. Stop making excuses. You have the same number of hours in a day as everyone else. Look around. There are people you know who also have demanding jobs, families, and mental health issues who none the less are living more satisfying lives than you are. Yes, I know. There are people who seem to have more energy or need less sleep or who are not burdened by anxiety. But the fact is that there are people much like you who are living more balanced lives than you are. The first step to making any change, even a change in your use of time, is to take responsibility for however you are contributing to the problem.
2. Set goals: Make a serious list of the things you would do if you had more time. Keep it real and realistic. Yes, you might fantasize about saving the world or making a cool million. But more realistic ideas are to make time to do some charitable work and to gradually increase your income. You might want to find a final cure for social anxiety that keeps you isolated. But a more realistic goal is to identify and take a first step toward getting back out into the world. Star the 3 things on the list that are most important to you. Those are your immediate goals.
3. Keep a time diary for two weeks: Before bed each night, write down how you spent each hour of the day. Write down what you were doing and how you felt about it. Did you really have to do it? Did you want to do it? Are there things you could have done differently so you’d have more time for the things that most matter to you? If you find you can’t look back and remember a whole day, then take out your diary several times a day and fill it in. Yes, I know this is tedious. I know that it is hard to take time to keep track of your time. But if you are serious about making a change, this is where you start. As a bonus: Researchers have found that as soon as people start tracking any effort to change a habit, whether it is weight loss, smoking cessation, daily exercise, or anything else, there is improvement. Being aware is the first step to making change.
4. Examine your data: Look at your patterns and choices in your time diary. Is there a difference between how you say you want to spend your time and what you are actually doing with it? Are there demands on your time that you really, really wish were not there? Are there practical reasons (low income) or emotional issues (depression) that are getting in the way? Take notes. Think hard about what you are discovering.
5. Make a plan: Studies show us that making a plan and taking even a step or two makes us feel better about ourselves. Go back to those 3 goals. Identify one or two new choices you can make right now, this minute, that will move you closer to being more in charge of your time and your life. Do take real limitations into consideration but don’t make them bigger than they are.
6. Get support: It’s human nature: People generally stick to making changes if they feel accountable to someone else. Find a partner or a group. Check in regularly. Be a helper as well as a help-ee. Too anxious to meet with others? Use one of the forums here at PsychCentral as a starting point. Too little time for checking in? Really? Maybe committing to a daily or weekly check-in is the first step toward taking charge of your time.
7. Track your changes: Someone once said “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Move from thinking about making changes in how you use time to doing it! Before bed every night, review what you’ve done or not done. Give yourself lots of credit for every small victory. But don’t scold yourself if your old habits caught you yet again. Just think about what you can do tomorrow to get back on track.

Change is difficult. We are all capable of staying in our uncomfortable but familiar ruts. It’s important to remember that anything that is important takes the willingness to be uncomfortable for awhile and the commitment to stick with it. You can do it.

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Robots exert peer pressure on children, but not adults.

From Vollmer et al.:

People are known to change their behavior and decisions to conform to others, even for obviously incorrect facts. Because of recent developments in artificial intelligence and robotics, robots are increasingly found in human environments, and there, they form a novel social presence. It is as yet unclear whether and to what extent these social robots are able to exert pressure similar to human peers. This study used the Asch paradigm, which shows how participants conform to others while performing a visual judgment task. We first replicated the finding that adults are influenced by their peers but showed that they resist social pressure from a group of small humanoid robots. Next, we repeated the study with 7- to 9-year-old children and showed that children conform to the robots. This raises opportunities as well as concerns for the use of social robots with young and vulnerable cross-sections of society; although conforming can be beneficial, the potential for misuse and the potential impact of erroneous performance cannot be ignored.

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Fear of Amputation

Sometimes I pray in my head to god( I’m not sure I believe) but anyways I will ask for things I’m afraid of to not happen to me but my voice in my head will say the opposite. Over the course of four years I’ll ask for god to not take my arms (for some reason this is a huge fear of mine) and the voice will ask to take them and then I’ll have to bed in my head to god to not take them and to disregard my inner head voice. And it puts me into a helpless panic attack. Even though I know it’s an irrational thought and I know it’s stupid it puts me into a deep fear and it affects my days. I find it hard to do anything because my mind is consumed with the fear of losing a limb. It’s makes me feel like doing things I normally like a pointless because what happens if I lose a limb and it happens and it just terrifies me I don’t know how to get rid of this affliction even though I know it is dumb. But it feels so real and it affects me physically like racing heart and crying out of frustration. What could be causing this? Trauma? Rejection? Please any info or if anyone has experienced this or know if this is a normal anxiety for people? Please. It frightens me I feel so helpless. (From Canada)

This sounds terrifying and the fact that you have been coping with it for a while may mean that you need to talk about this more directly with a therapist. I think your list of potential causes are good guesses, but the help of a professional will be able to specify what the core issue is and provide treatment for it.

The fact that this is causing you so much turmoil is enough to get some help with it. I’d only be guessing as to the possibilities, but a skilled therapist can narrow this down with you one-on-one.

The Find Help tab at the top of the page can get you to someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Therapeutic Ethics: A Sacred Bond of Trust

As a licensed Social Worker (MSW, LSW), I am required to take an ethics class every two years as part of my continuing education. These guidelines were established by the National Association of Social Workers (NASW), for the purpose of framing behavior that is both beneficial to our clients and does no harm to them.

Each time I sit in the classroom and go over scenarios and structure, the take home message is, if it breaks confidentiality, don’t do it. If it puts the client in a lesser position and takes away their personal agency and decision making, don’t do it. If it creates a dual relationship (business or interpersonal) or if it is of additional financial benefit to the therapist beyond the established or insurance contracted fee, don’t do it. If it even slightly resembles taking advantage don’t do it. Conscience is an equally important therapeutic skill.

My favorite parts of the training are the “what would you do?” scenarios.

Since I live and work in the same community, I am clear with clients that our paths may cross in public places and social settings. I assure them that I will not identify them as my client (they are welcome to do so if they choose) and will not discuss their therapeutic issues with them in those venues. Most shrug it off and say they don’t care. Some have even asked if we could be friends. I have kindly declined, letting them know that as a licensed professional, I can’t engage in “dual relationships“ with them since it involves a power differential. On a few occasions, I have run into some in supermarkets, faith communities, local events and a few parties. I have said hello and moved on.

Consider why you became a therapist. Hopefully, it is because you want to be of service and you have the wherewithal to do it. Although I hadn’t set out to sit opposite someone and listen to their stories, assisting them in sorting through sometimes dog eared and torn pages, it is where I now find myself after nearly four decades in the field. I attended school, studied diligently and earned my degrees — not to mention the “alphabet soup” letters those degrees permit me to tack onto the end of my name.

I put in my time, in previous years, in excess of 14 hours a day. A series of health crises and the desire to remain vertical, had me cutting back to a “normal” schedule. In that way, I am also able to offer clients my best. I incorporate my formal training and “seat of the pants” interventions as needed. There are times when I leave the office, and symbolically carry clients with me as I am contemplating interventions.

Potential pitfalls of such choices include compassion fatigue and burnout. Another risk is vicarious traumatization, which can happen when you spend so much time hearing about violence, abuse, neglect and suicidality that you begin to feel affected by these traumas yourself.

These stresses accumulate and show themselves in therapists through emotional and physical exhaustion, anxiety and depression, apathy toward clients, feelings of distance from loved ones, absence from work and feeling overwhelmed with the enormity of others’ needs — to the extent that some clinicians get lax about their service, may make ill-advised decisions or leave the field. To me, these are ethical issues as well. It would be equivalent to being an impaired professional. There was a time when I needed to step back from my practice, so I could again find my balance.

Therapists, teachers, and clergy have a sacred bond of trust with those they serve. I am in all three categories, since I also teach adults and children and I am an interfaith minister. I don’t take those roles and the responsibilities they entail for granted. People come to us at some of the most vulnerable times in their lives, at the loss of loved ones, illness, financial crises, unemployment, and after experiencing trauma. They want to believe that we will create a safe container for them to unpack their emotional baggage. Some they have been carrying for decades, some newly arrived with a ferocity that knocks the stuffing out of them and has them wondering if they will ever stand again. I am in awe of the resilience they embody as well as the vulnerability they are willing to expose in our presence.

Trigger warning: That is part of what appalls me about the recent revelations of widespread clergy abuse in my home state of Pennsylvania. Those who were assaulted, and their families faced and continue to face betrayal by those they were told they could trust. Like most predators, they groomed their victims by befriending them and their families who believed these men were above reproach because of their status in the church. Their actions not only caused physical and emotional damage, but a spiritual rift. It is difficult for some to experience a demarcation between their faith and those who are stand-ins for the divine. I wonder if clergy are expected to take ethics trainings. What also puzzles me is those who covered it up would be considered mandated reporters. They are in breach of both moral and civil laws. Wondering if there are repercussions for not revealing identities of abusers.

It is essential that we hold ourselves and our colleagues to impeccably high standards and treat those we serve the way we would want to be cared for or would want those we love to be cared for.

Establishing and maintain a moral compass seems like a necessary therapeutic skill.

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