From a woman in the U.S.: My boyfriend recently moved from my state to another to take care of his dying grandmother. He has bipolar although he has never shared with me if it was I or II. the first few weeks were fine. he was still loving and caring and we faced timed each day. then he started to feel stress from his family and the situation. i noticed a difference in him, rapid speech, irritability and not sleeping and asked if he was still taking his meds. He told me he hasn’t but after i showed concern he promised to go back on. I don’t believe he did as his behavior got worse.
First he shared with me that he wanted to be in a cuckold relationship, I agreed to it but wasn’t actively pursuing it.This made him very upset, he would get angry with me and tell me I needed to do this or we need to break up. I eventually found someone willing to go along with it. But it only made things worse he now wanted me going out everyday to find someone. I tried explaining that I am not a sex worker and not everyone is comfortable with being filmed for his pleasure. he gave me the silent treatment for 3 days. For the next two weeks he would only communicate with me about sex. Each time he wanted more extreme asking for multiple men, and even sharing that he wanted to be sexual with these men.
One night he called me to break up with me because i wasn’t doing his requests and it was stressing him out. He didn’t talk to me for 3 days. Then he messed me asking for more videos of me and that he wanted to be with me. But this request was violent in tone. Telling me he wanted to choke me and that i better be ready to F**K him in the a**. Then he went silent. He hasn’t spoken to me since. He sends my calls to vm and wont answer my texts. He is no longer the loving man I met. He is always angry at me and everything I say he threatens to break up with me all the time. Is he having an episode or is he just a jerk?
It’s very possible he is having an episode. He told you he is off his meds. He is in a stressful situation. He isn’t sleeping. All of that concerns me. I hope he gets back on track with his treatment. If he can’t do it on his own, I hope he talks to his doctor about what he needs to do to stabilize.
I am equally concerned about you. I’m sure when he is stable, he behaves much differently or you would never have gotten involved with him. But being in a relationship with someone with a mental illness doesn’t require you to join him in unstable behavior. Every time you went along with his demands, he only upped the ante. It is not at all helpful to him for you to feed his episode by acting as if his demands are okay when they are not. It isn’t healthy for you to compromise yourself that way.
Please take a big step back and ask yourself why you have gone along with behaving sexually in ways that are not comfortable for you and that are only for his gratification. Is it that you didn’t know what else to do and just got sucked into it? Or is it possible that you are so dependent on this relationship, you are afraid to draw boundaries?
Yes, he needs help. But so do you. Think about joining one of the forums here at PsychCentral where members who have partners who are mentally ill support and advise each other. If there is a chapter of National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) in your area go to one of their support groups for partners. Or see a counselor to talk about ways to support your boyfriend and still take care of yourself.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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