Imposter Syndrome: Why You Have It & How to Stop It

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody and they’re going to find me out.” – Maya Angelou

Any minute now they would find out.

I scanned the large conference room. The twenty-six project team members around the table discussed data analysis. Their voices were muffled by the thick fog of my anxiety.

My own throat tried to choke me, and my chest refused to expand. Sweat trickled down my side.

Breathe, just breathe. It’s going to be okay.

My eyes met my boss’s and he smiled at me across the room. I quickly looked down at my notes. My cheeks were burning.

I knew what was coming.

It would be my turn next to showcase my part of the project. I had been working on it for months. Starting early, staying late, slaving away every waking hour, perfecting every detail.

But I couldn’t hide any longer. Couldn’t pretend any more. I would be exposed.

In a few minutes they would discover that my efforts weren’t up to scratch. That I wasn’t good enough.

They would listen to my presentation and their faces would darken with disappointment. They would whisper to each other in dismay and ask me questions I couldn’t answer.

And then, someone would stand up, point at me and say, “You have no clue what you are talking about, do you? You are nothing but a fraud. A pathetic excuse for a scientist. You know nothing.”

Any minute now.

I clutched the edge of the table. Tears stung in my eyes and I swallowed hard. My intestines were churning.

I had to get away.

Leaping to my feet, I mumbled an excuse. I stumbled out of the room, heart racing, and made it to the bathroom.

And then I cried.

Why I Was an Imposter by Name but Not by Nature

I eventually managed to pull myself together. I washed my face, blew my nose, took several deep breaths.

And I returned to the fateful meeting, red-eyed and swollen. Feigning an allergic reaction to conceal my mortifying episode.

I presented my work.

And nothing happened. Nobody objected, interrogated, exposed. No fingers were pointed at me.

All I saw was friendly faces and approving nods. Some people even praised the huge amount of work I put in and the high quality of my results.

And yet, as I shuffled home that night, drained and numb, I didn’t feel like celebrating a success. Because all I could think was, “You were lucky this time. Next time they will realize that you are a fraud for sure. Then game over.”

And right there, on a gloomy November evening of 2007, it hit me. I had a problem. It was ruining my life, destroying my confidence, and sabotaging my career.

I had to do something about it.

As I arrived home, I googled “feeling like a fraud at work” and discovered that I wasn’t alone. The problem seemed to be so common, there was even a name for it: imposter syndrome.

And I displayed all the symptoms.

I doubted myself and my abilities, believing my skills and expertise always fell short of expectations. No matter how hard I tried, my successes seemed negligible, laughable compared to others. And I could never believe anybody who told me I did a good job.

Imposter syndrome was clearly the problem I faced. But the word “imposter” didn’t match up with what I experienced every day at the office.

I wasn’t maliciously trying to deceive other people, tricking them into believing I was more knowledgeable, competent, and successful than I was for my own fraudulent gain.

In fact, the opposite was true.

I didn’t pretend to be more than I was to further my career and take advantage of innocent people. No, I was hiding my weaknesses and shortcomings as well as I could. So others wouldn’t discover my devastating secret.

I just didn’t know it yet.

The Reveal of the True Reason Behind My Imposter Syndrome

For the next couple of years, I searched for a way to eradicate my imposter syndrome. I read self-help books, took personal growth courses, meditated, visualised.

And things improved.

After a while, the all-consuming panic of being exposed as a fraud receded. I managed to better compose myself in meetings and presentations. And I even started to accept praise here and there with an awkward smile and only a slight cringe.

But still, the stubborn, anxious voiceover kept playing in the background of my mind, every day of my life: “You are a fraud. And, one day soon, they will find you out.”

Frustration about being stuck in an endless self-degrading loop turned to anger about my inability to overcome my imposter syndrome. Why was I so horrified of being exposed?

My conscious mind knew that I was doing quite well. That I was good at my work. And that, even if my failings were to be uncovered, it wouldn’t be the end of my career.

Or my life.

Yet, I remained terrified of that one question that would hit my blind-spot. And I anticipated the accusing finger whenever my work came under scrutiny. Because my subconscious mind believed that being exposed as my flawed self was, in fact, the end.

I just didn’t know why.

Until, some months later in May 2010, I participated in a group hypnotherapy session. We were asked to retrieve memories of a scene in our past where our most damaging belief originated. And while I couldn’t conjure up the past, a limiting belief shot into my brain and made me gasp.

Because it explained all of my struggles with imposter syndrome.

The Heartbreaking Belief That Destroyed My Life and Sabotaged My Career

“I don’t have the right to exist.”

The brutality of the thought broke my heart and filled my eyes with tears. Why would I believe something like this?

But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it made sense. I constantly felt the necessity to work harder, be better, achieve more to justify my existence. To prove to myself and others that it was okay for me to stick around as long as I was useful.

Even though I was an illegal immigrant to life.

As long as I showed no weakness, made no mistake, and contributed more than my fair share to society, I would be tolerated. Others would overlook the fact that I shouldn’t actually exist. That I was some kind of accident, a glitch in the universal plan.

But being exposed as anything less than perfect would result in my temporary residency in life to be revoked.

And I knew, deep in my heart, that I wasn’t faultless, that I struggled. I only faked the perfect version of myself that fulfilled all the qualifying criteria stipulated in my provisional residence permit.

I didn’t have the required knowledge, expertise or success to permanently occupy a space in this life.

I was a fraud. Pretending to belong in this life when I did not. Every day, I desperately clung to the hope that I could blind everyone around me just one more day. But I lived with the constant terror that my devastating secret would be exposed.

Sure, my conscious mind understood that my fear was irrational.

What did I think would happen if I was exposed as a fraud with no permission to exist? Would I just cease to be? Vanish in a purple puff of smoke?

I knew it made no sense. Yet, the believe was lodged deep inside of me. And I was about to find out why.

The Disastrous Reason I Believed I Didn’t Have the Right to Exist

In September 2010, I consulted an energy healer to help with my, at the time, severe anxiety. I mentioned that I struggled with imposter syndrome and the belief that I didn’t have the right to exist.

And she looked at me and said, “Of course you do. Because you have no self-worth.”

It was the piece of the puzzle I needed. Suddenly, it all made sense.

I believed that I was inherently worthless. And that I didn’t have the right to exist as long as I had no worth.

So, my entire life was a relentless pursuit of more worth. All the long hours, the hard work, all the perfecting happened in the name of worth generation. To earn the right to exist.

But I was stuck in a vicious cycle.

I needed to gain wealth, love, abundance to have enough worth to receive a permanent right to exist. But I wasn’t worthy enough to deserve them.

I had to be a success, but I was terrified that achieving greatness would draw too much attention on myself. And the fact that I was alive without the proper permissions.

So, my inherent worthlessness made it impossible to claim the right to exist. And without the right to exist, I could never achieve what I needed to earn enough worth.

It was a hopeless, futile quest. Without prospect of a solution. And it left me only one option: to pretend, to be a fraud.

And hope nobody would ever find out.

The Impossible Conundrum of a Worthless Existence

I had no clue how to dig myself out of this rut. How could I accumulate enough worth to earn the right to exist so I wouldn’t have to feel like a fraud ever again?

I had hit a wall in my quest. There seemed to be no solution, only pointless rumination that spiralled in endless circles. Was I doomed to hide in the shadows, unable to ever rightfully claim my place in life?

I was about to surrender to my fate as an unwanted pretender, a slave to my imposter syndrome and worthlessness. But then my daughter was born.

And one realization changed everything.

The Key to Unlocking Your Worth

About three weeks after her birth, I looked at my little girl sleeping peacefully. Her chest moved in a healthy rhythm and a tiny smile played around her lips.

My heart filled with adoration for this wonderful creation, and I knew that she was valuable. That she had every right to exist in this world and deserved all the love, happiness, and abundance this life has to offer.

Yet, she had no achievements, no wealth or success to pay for her right to exist. She had never earned any worth. And she didn’t have to.

Because worth was the essence of her being, the core of her true Self. She was worth personified.

And so was I, and everybody else. Because true, inner worth cannot be destroyed. It is as constant as our cell structure, it doesn’t change when we fail, are criticized or make a mistake.

The realization was life-changing. The sudden relief felt as if I medium-sized mountain range fell of my chest. I didn’t have to prove my worth!

Society had taught me all my life that I needed high-flying achievements, perfection, wealth to deserve the right to exist. But they were wrong. My entire belief system that caused my struggles was flawed.

Because the truth was that, like my little daughter, I was worth.

As such I could never be worthless. I had the right to exist, to claim my rightful place in life and my happiness right here and now. Simply because I was alive.

And I finally had the cure for my imposter syndrome.

How to Stop Feeling Like a Fraud Once and for All

So, I started to affirm: “I have the right to exist. I am worth” several times a day. Every time I felt insecure, worthless, or like a fraud, I reminded myself of my infinite, inherent worth.

At first, my mind resisted the change. Worthlessness thinking had become a disastrous habit that my mind wasn’t willing to abandon without a fight. But I persevered.

And eventually, over a few months, I retrained my mind. I created a new, healthier habit.

I noticed that I didn’t feel inferior so often, that my confidence in meetings improved. I no longer felt apologetic for taking up space or bothering people. And I became less demanding of myself, lovingly accepting and respecting my limits because I knew perfection, or its absence, wouldn’t change my worth.

And one day, I realized that the fear of being exposed if I drew too much attention to myself was gone. And without that fear, I found it easier to stand up to others and defend my opinions. I even started to acknowledge and celebrate my successes.

Now, I am no longer terrified of the accusing finger pointing me out as an imposter. I no longer need to pretend to be more than I am. Because I know I am not a fraud.

I am enough. From the day I was born to the day I will die, and beyond, I will have the right to exist.

Because I am worth.

Just like you.

This post courtesy of Tiny Buddha.

Photo by John Noonan on Unsplash.

The post Imposter Syndrome: Why You Have It & How to Stop It first appeared on World of Psychology.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/34NTuFJ
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Impact of the Immune System on the Brain and Mental Health

Most are aware that neurons send neurotransmitter signals to each other in circuits within the brain. My new book, The Secret Language of Cells, shows that similar conversations occur among all the cells in the body and these wide ranging conversations determine all physiological functions. While there are numerous examples of this cellular communication in the book — such as capillary cells sending directional signals for white blood cells to find an infection and capillaries instructing stem cells how to produce particular cells for the brain, this article will focus on a few ways that cellular conversations among immune cells and brain cells affect mental health. 

Two-way cellular conversations between traveling immune cells and stationary brain cells use signals that are sent as molecules, or molecules inside sacs, that are secreted into tissues, blood vessels, and cerebrospinal fluid. The signals can profoundly affect general cognition and memory, and are highly related to depression and pain, as well as responses to stress. 

For many of the major influences on the brain, signals are sent by T cells that travel in the cerebrospinal fluid (CSF). These T cell signals are relayed to specific regions of the brain by special lining cells of the chamber that holds the CSF. T cell signals sent in the CSF to brain cells can have an impact on many aspects of cognition and behavior. For example, when we are ill with a fever, T cells send signals for the brain to create the “sick feeling” so we will slow down and take care of ourselves. When the infection is over, T cells send a different type of signal, using pulses of secreted molecules, that tells the brain to restart and maintain normal cognition. 

In adults, a small number of new neurons are regularly produced in the memory center of the hippocampus. These new neurons are vital for producing new memories. Research has shown that depression correlates with a decreased production of these neurons, which can lead to the decrease in memory often seen in depression. But it was not clear how this happened. It is now known that signals from T cells can alter the production of new brain cells and therefore increase or decrease memory ability. During depression, T cells signal for fewer new brain cells to be made, which leads to reduced memory. These signals also affect the generalized inflammation throughout the body that often occurs with depression. When the depression is treated by medications, ECT, psychotherapy, etc., the immune signals begin to again stimulate the increased production of new neurons, better memory, and decreased inflammation. Better understanding these signals could lead to entirely new treatments for depression. 

Stress is another situation that involves signaling between the immune system and the brain. While short term stress can be helpful by triggering increased learning and a rise in the production of neurons in the memory centers, long term stress does the opposite and can produce damaging inflammation and decreased memory. Both brain cells and immune cells pick up perceptions of stress. In a mechanism similar to that of depression, T cells send signals during long term stress that produce inflammation and decrease the production of new neurons for memory.  

As immune cells travel throughout the body, they have many opportunities to send signals back and forth with neurons and other supportive brain cells. For example, a T cell—the master immune regulator—can secrete molecular signals directly into tissue that then travel to nerves. When the signal is picked up by the neuron, it can be relayed throughout brain circuits, which can then affect various other organs. This leads to a mechanism whereby an acupuncture needle or electrical stimulus triggers a local T cell—for example, in the wrist tissue, nearby but not in a blood vessel or nerve. When triggered by the acupuncture stimuli, the T cell sends a signal into the tissue that travels to a neuron that is not far away, which then relays another signal through brain circuits causing the acupuncture effect in a distant area of the body.

All of the effects on the brain and mental health described above occur because of elaborate back and forth communication between T cells and the brain. In my book, The Secret Language of Cells, there are detailed explanations of the wide range of conversations that various bodily cells engage in with brain cells. There is a discussion of the multiple types of signals that occur between neurons and the three types of supportive brain cells (astrocytes, microglia, and oligodendrocytes). Another research area described in the book is related to chronic pain. New findings show that chronic pain syndromes are correlated with very large, multi-faceted synapses and circuits, involving many more connections that ever seen before. Conversations in these complex multi-cell synapses and circuits involve a wide range of cells including neurons, the three supportive brain cells, immune cells, and even organ lining cells and microbes. Based on the discovery of these new types of synapses and signals, entirely new avenues for treatment will be developed for pain, depression, and damaging stress. 

The post Impact of the Immune System on the Brain and Mental Health first appeared on World of Psychology.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/3gKUJYy
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Why Can’t I Deal with People?

From a woman in the U.S.: Lately, I am simply not able to deal with people much. I can’t get too close and I have become very withdrawn.  Over the past 7 years I have gone through a lot, and relationships of any kind just have not worked for me no matter how hard I’ve tried.

I have always been a quiet person by nature, but I do talk especially if I feel I can relate to someone.  But all my life people just don’t get me.  I really don’t want to sound like a victim because I am not blaming anybody, but sometimes it’s hard to feel like you belong.  God knows I’ve tried.

Like I said, people have really been disrespectful and I have had to defend myself more than usual.  Maybe because I’m getting older, I just can’t handle much anymore.  I feel like something is wrong with me because I would rather not be bothered with anyone anymore and that’s not right.

I’m so tired of faking it but I don’t know how to deal with all these flood of emotions?  I have no fun, no peace just work, work and work.

I am so very sorry you are feeling so lonely and so hopeless to change it.  It’s just true: All work and no play makes us dull and tired.

You are now in your 50s and tired. I get it. But 50 is not 100. You could still have a long life ahead. I think you can do things now to make the next decades better than the last ones.

You didn’t mention whether you have seen a therapist. If not, I hope you will. I don’t think you need to be working harder. I do think maybe you need to work smarter. Whatever you have been doing to solve your problems hasn’t worked – no matter how hard you have tried. A therapist may be able to give you new perspective on the situation and may be able to offer you the advice and support you need to be more successful in finding good friends.

You did say that you have a problem with relating to people your whole life. I suggest you take the quiz on the site for Autism/Aspergers.

It may be that you have a bit of Aspergers in your make-up that has handicapped you in the social world. Don’t let this idea worry you. If it is true, Aspergers is manageable. If it isn’t true, than you’ve just ruled it out as being the source of the problems.

I also suggest you see if there is a therapist in your area who offers group therapy. The advantage of group is that participants have a safe place where they can get feedback about how they are relating and they can get support for trying out new ways to relate. Look for a group that includes at least some people who are about the same age. Peers often share life experiences and cultural references that even wonderful young people just don’t “get”.

I know you are tired. But I hope you will follow through on these suggestions. I’d hate to think you will resign yourself to the way you feel now. You deserve better.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

from Ask the Therapist https://ift.tt/3hMea4t
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Neuralink: Beyond the hype

Brain machine interfacing, as someone who does research in the field and is getting a PhD in a brain machine interface lab, I think I'm qualified to comment on the progress neuralink. There's a lot of hype out there, curing disease, ending paralysis, a world where we are part of the machine and the machine is part of us. Is it science fiction, or is there more to it?

from Lunatic Laboratories https://ift.tt/2GhVg7X
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

3 Simple Mindfulness Exercises To Try Today (M)

Mindfulness can cause positive changes to brain structures after just eight weeks.

→ Support PsyBlog for just $5 per month. Enables access to articles marked (M) and removes ads.

→ Explore PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Accept Yourself: How to feel a profound sense of warmth and self-compassion
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything
• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do

from PsyBlog https://ift.tt/2EPNJMG
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

One Mental Sign Of Vitamin B12 Deficiency

Around one-in-eight people are low in vitamin B12.

→ Support PsyBlog for just $5 per month. Enables access to articles marked (M) and removes ads.

→ Explore PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Accept Yourself: How to feel a profound sense of warmth and self-compassion
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything
• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do

from PsyBlog https://ift.tt/34VyYmm
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Why Can’t I Deal with People?

From a woman in the U.S.: Lately, I am simply not able to deal with people much. I can’t get too close and I have become very withdrawn.  Over the past 7 years I have gone through a lot, and relationships of any kind just have not worked for me no matter how hard I’ve tried.

I have always been a quiet person by nature, but I do talk especially if I feel I can relate to someone.  But all my life people just don’t get me.  I really don’t want to sound like a victim because I am not blaming anybody, but sometimes it’s hard to feel like you belong.  God knows I’ve tried.

Like I said, people have really been disrespectful and I have had to defend myself more than usual.  Maybe because I’m getting older, I just can’t handle much anymore.  I feel like something is wrong with me because I would rather not be bothered with anyone anymore and that’s not right.

I’m so tired of faking it but I don’t know how to deal with all these flood of emotions?  I have no fun, no peace just work, work and work.

I am so very sorry you are feeling so lonely and so hopeless to change it.  It’s just true: All work and no play makes us dull and tired.

You are now in your 50s and tired. I get it. But 50 is not 100. You could still have a long life ahead. I think you can do things now to make the next decades better than the last ones.

You didn’t mention whether you have seen a therapist. If not, I hope you will. I don’t think you need to be working harder. I do think maybe you need to work smarter. Whatever you have been doing to solve your problems hasn’t worked – no matter how hard you have tried. A therapist may be able to give you new perspective on the situation and may be able to offer you the advice and support you need to be more successful in finding good friends.

You did say that you have a problem with relating to people your whole life. I suggest you take the quiz on the site for Autism/Aspergers.

It may be that you have a bit of Aspergers in your make-up that has handicapped you in the social world. Don’t let this idea worry you. If it is true, Aspergers is manageable. If it isn’t true, than you’ve just ruled it out as being the source of the problems.

I also suggest you see if there is a therapist in your area who offers group therapy. The advantage of group is that participants have a safe place where they can get feedback about how they are relating and they can get support for trying out new ways to relate. Look for a group that includes at least some people who are about the same age. Peers often share life experiences and cultural references that even wonderful young people just don’t “get”.

I know you are tired. But I hope you will follow through on these suggestions. I’d hate to think you will resign yourself to the way you feel now. You deserve better.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

from Depression – Ask the Therapist https://ift.tt/3hMea4t
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Changes as MindBlog's autonomic nervous system ages 11 years

Actually, the original title of this MindBlog post on June 11, 2013 was "Changes as an autonomic nervous system ages 11 years - The "Wild Divine" is a bit less wild." - I'm reviewing old MindBlog posts (very slowly, as it turns out) and in most cases resisting the temptation to re-post even ones I thinks are quite interesting. This personal one really hit me, owever, so I pass it on, wondering how much further the noted decrease in my ability to regulate autonomic nervous system parameters has progressed by age 78:

Just after I retired from being a Univ. of Wisconsin department chair in 2001 I bought a set of finger sensors that fit on one's three middle fingers to report skin conductance and heartbeat to a PC or MAC via an A/D converter. These were part of a package with several CDs that installed a new age game on the computer that lead you through a rich environment of classical greek temples and waterfalls, attended by soothing music, that presented tasks in which you dinked with your own heart rate variability and sympathetic (arousing)/parasympathetic (calming) balance, going alternatively through periods of calm and arousal. I thought it was a hoot, and took the time to go through the "Journey to Wild Divine: passage" and "Journey to Wild Divine: Wisdom Quest."

Some of the current incarnations of these programs have moved to web browsers. Over the years a number of heavy weight new age gurus have signed on with their wares - Deepak Chopra, Dean Ornish, and Andrew Weil (Weil was in my Harvard graduating class...I'm tempted, but I won't burden you with my jaded opinion of this class of entrepreneurs, particularly Mr. Chopra.)

The main point of this post is note my experience on pulling out the finger sensors after 11 years trying the same exercises in their new presentation. What's the difference when this 71 year old tries the same manipulations of calm and arousal that the 60 year old played with with 11 years earlier? In a nutshell, I have less command over heart rate variability, which is lower, as the swings between calm and arousal have less amplitude.

And indeed, this fits with the literature on changes in the autonomic nervous system that occur on aging. If you simply do a google search for "autonomic nervous system and aging" numerous references appear that document how healthy aging is associated with lowered heart rate variability, elevated basal sympathetic nervous activity, and reduction of overall autonomic reactivity of sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems. Here is a very recent review, from which I pass on one figure:

Schematic of proposed features associated with the imbalance in the autonomic nervous system during aging. During aging there is a shift in the balance of the autonomic nervous system (ANS) towards the sympathetic nervous system (SNS). This may be influenced by circulating or local brain levels of angiotensin (Ang) II and leptin. The lower activity of the parasympathetic nervous system (PSNS) is proposed to result at least in part from an age-related decline in Angiotensin-(1–7). Lower Angiotensin-(1–7) and higher Ang II or leptin in the brain medulla would predispose to a decline in baroreceptor reflex sensitivity (BRS) for control of heart rate and heart rate variability (HRV), both of which are associated with aging. Moreover, impairments in BRS and HRV can contribute to target organ damage, including metabolic dysfunction, with or without an increase in blood pressure. 

If you're inclined, like Mr. Dylan Thomas, to not "go gently into that good night" you can find numerous sources (example here) on slowing these aging changes, usually by some sort of physical movement or stimulation.

from Deric's MindBlog https://ift.tt/32CCKOU
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

How to Grieve the Death of Someone You Don’t Know

Grief is healthy.

The death of a loved one is an inevitable, certain, unavoidable, and inexorable part of life. Surviving family and friends experience an emotional cascade of grief, regardless of how their loved one passed.

Bereavement has no formula, no time limit, or right or wrong. Grieving is an important part of the process of healing.

Each of us grieves in our own time and way. Neither wisdom nor understanding makes it easier, because those are rational thoughts.

Grief is not rational or linear.

In grief, the rationale is useless. Emotions are dictated by the limbic system in your brain, which is the seat of your emotions.

Many times, the world will grieve and mourn the deaths of celebrities and important figures as if they’d lost a loved one because, in fact, they have.

The intensity and time of grief differs when it’s someone immediately important to you, but those unknown in your personal lives can have the same grief patterns and stages as the loss of your loved ones.

Why is this?

We establish strong emotional ties to celebrities in the public eye.

Many of our dearly departed who aren’t family members or close friends have been in your life as if they were family members or dear friends for most of your life.

Feeling Stuck in the Stages Of Grief? Here Are 10 Coping Mechanisms to Help You Move On

You’ve established strong ties and relationships through television, the medium of technology, movies, concerts, and events throughout your lifetime. People tend to deify, idealize, and mythologize these legends and connect deeply.

This is part of the human experience. Your bereavement is part of the collective unconscious.

We share grief and loss collectively, just as we share joy and excitement.

Likewise, when one finds solace, acceptance, and relief, the chances increase that others will also find comfort. This, too, is a function of the collective unconscious.

In Jungian psychology, the collective unconscious is a concept originally defined by psychoanalyst Carl Jung. It refers to the idea that a segment of the deepest unconscious mind is genetically inherited and is not shaped by personal experience. It’s a part of the human condition.

Grieving and “The Hundredth Monkey Effect”

An example is “The Hundredth Monkey Effect,” which hypothesizes that “…a new behavior or idea is said to spread rapidly by unexplained means from one group to all related groups once a critical number of members of one group exhibit the new behavior or acknowledge the new idea.”

So, how does this theory relate to grief and loss?

If others feel the pain and loss of a hero, heroine, icon, or celebrated personality, it’s a human experience shared by many. Human beings connect with the pain and sorrow of others, as well as the joy.

This is empathy, something common to most of us. I say most, because there are certain personality disorders where empathy does not exist.

There is a symbiotic relationship with all of us worldwide when we feel loss, pride, and joy. We feel as one. When President Reagan told Gorbachev to tear down the Berlin wall, the free world celebrated as if it was on their own turf.

Human beings are wired for connection, especially in grieving.

According to the philosopher Martin Buber, human beings are wired for connection. When we go into a disconnect through unexpected or sudden loss, we go into crisis.

It’s difficult enough even when there’s an expectation of loss, like an elderly person or someone who’s sick, but when it’s sudden, like a car crash or suicide, humans go first into shock and denial.

It forces you to experience the loss of a secure attachment; someone you’d grown attached to and loved deeply, even those not known to you on a personal basis, like a celebrity.

Mourning a celebrity is natural.

Losing an icon, even if you’ve never been in their company, feels the same as losing a best friend or even a hero. So, mourning is a natural event.

People like Princess Diana, President John F. Kennedy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Elvis Presley were all a manifestation of people’s own wishes, hopes, and dreams.

They inspired us with passion and purpose in our own lives by exemplifying what really matters. To be the best that we can be and become what we are intended to be.

Experiencing the Five Stages of Grief

The five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — are a part of everyone’s mourning. Each person experiences these stages personally in their own way and time.

For instance, there are folks who still deny the death of Elvis Presley, longing to keep him alive in their hearts and minds. Coming to terms with losing a loved one, either in family, friends, or whom you have grown to love and respect is the stage of grief called acceptance.

Dealing With Grief After the Loss of a Pet

Everyone shares in the sorrow and loss. The common denominator is our human essence, our authenticity.

When a noted figure in your life dies, it forces you to come to terms with how fragile life is.

To be alive and well in one moment and to be gone in another is a fear and reality we all share. Mourning the loss of people you celebrated for different reasons is part of the human condition.

To be loved and to love is what it is to be a human being.

Grieving is healing.

The most important part of grieving is feeling your feelings. Grieving is a healing feeling.

Talk with others who celebrated the life of the deceased. Share your heartfelt feelings with those you trust and understand your grief.

Know that what you are experiencing is common and needs to be felt. Most of all, remember to celebrate their lives, as well as mourn their deaths.

This guest article was first published on YourTango.com: How To Mourn The Loss Of Someone You Don’t Know.

Photo by Moritz Schumacher on Unsplash.

The post How to Grieve the Death of Someone You Don't Know first appeared on World of Psychology.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/3hIM6iu
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Working Hard or Hardly Working? Working from Home and Boundaries in 2020

Unprecedented does not begin to describe the times we are currently living in. Working from home has become the norm for many Americans across the U.S. Though there are many benefits, including staying safe from COVID-19, working from home also presents its challenges and may be more complex than we once thought.

You may find yourself either working nonstop or not being as productive as you were in the office. Skipping lunch or having a hard time finding the motivation to work and not lounge around. It’s okay to feel this way. No one could have predicted this abrupt shift in our lives. But, there is a way to work from home and be productive, while not letting work consume our day with no time to recharge. Allow yourself to recognize overcoming a pandemic is not something we should be prepared to do. Many people are experiencing the same struggles, you are not alone.

Tips for a successful work-home environment:

Set a Schedule

Working from home should not mean working when you “can.” Set an alarm for waking up and give yourself enough time to get ready, have breakfast, and settle into your work space. While the commute time may be removed from your morning routine, this shouldn’t mean waking up right when you are expected to begin working. If your job doesn’t already have a system in place for logging your work hours, create one for yourself. In the same way, set a time to “get off” work. Get into a habit of ending your work day around the same time daily, if available.

Avoid replying after hours, if possible

Tempted to reply to that work e-mail at 8pm? While every situation should be evaluated independently, decide which tasks need immediate attention and which can wait until regular business hours. If you were in the office, you may not reply until the next day, for example, so why is this different when you’re working from home? Scheduling meetings and phone calls after your regular work hours may lead to added stress, burnout, and relationship and family distress. Unless your position requires you to, you should not make yourself available all the time. There should be a distinction between working hours and “just-being-at-home” hours. Setting these boundaries can help immensely to reduce overextending yourself which can lead to feeling like you’re always working.

Create a daily task list

Our personal life will always have things we need to tend to. While we’re home, it’s easy to fall into the trap of trying to manage both personal and work responsibilities simultaneously. To avoid getting distracted, create a daily task list and prioritize your duties. During work hours, completing work duties should precede tending to personal business, unless an emergency arises, understandably. Since you do have the convenience of being at home, you may also create an “if-I-have-time” list and add chores to complete in your spare or “down” time, but always keeping in mind that work related tasks should first be completed before trying to do a load of laundry or clean. It’s easy to get distracted at home but creating a task list with your priorities at the top can minimize diverting from your obligations.

Take your lunch seriously

Working through your lunch time can lead to added stress and creates a pattern of neglecting our bodies. Similarly, taking extended lunch breaks can be detrimental to work productivity. Aim to take a 30 minute or 1 hour lunch break, as you would in the office. Set an alarm, if needed, and adhere only to the time you’ve allotted for lunch. Plan for lunch the night before by preparing yourself something in advance or deciding what you’ll eat. This limits extra time spent deciding or preparing something complex while being short on time. During your lunch break, disconnect. Enjoy your nourishing food, go for a walk if available, or do other leisure activities for this limited amount of time. Once you’re done, return to work. Avoid unhealthy snacking throughout the day as a way to compensate for a missed lunch. This can increase unhealthy eating habits and emotional/stress eating.

Schedule breaks

Don’t forget you’re human! We are not wired to sit still for extended periods of time, even less when we’re in the comfort of our home. Schedule mini 5-10 minute breaks throughout the day to collect yourself, away from the computer screen, paperwork, books, etc. This is a good time to stretch your legs, hydrate, get your blood flowing, and then re-focus. Beware of extended breaks that distract us from getting back to work. Do not engage in something that may take longer than 5-10 minutes such as watching an episode of your favorite show, getting in your car to go to the grocery store, or calling your best-friend to chat for 30 minutes.

Say NO to distractions

Added comfort comes with added responsibility. Having distractions available to you and deciding whether they will hinder or help your work is no easy feat. Are you someone that focuses better with some low background music? Only you know the answer to that! However, having the TV on in the background, all the notifications popping up on your phone, and other sounds of our modern world can really distract us while working. Consider setting time limits in your phone settings for social media use, turn off unnecessary notifications altogether, or allow yourself only to check your phone during breaks. If you’re particularly struggling with disconnecting from your phone and focusing on the task at hand, you may set your phone down in another room or turn it off. You can also mute chatty group conversations and unsubscribe/silence notifications from excessive e-mails.

Discuss work boundaries with anyone else in the home 

One of the most arduous things to do may be discussing work boundaries with anyone present in the home during your work hours. This may include your family, roommates, spouse, and even children! Let’s be real, telling your children to behave can be subjective, to say the least. Have a conversation to determine childcare options while you are working, or plan your day accordingly if also providing care while working. Determine your limits and needs for a healthy workspace. Are you able to have someone else in the room or is it too distracting? Do you prefer to socialize during lunch and breaks? Be open and honest about your needs, and set this boundary by being consistent. You may be feeling like you can’t get away from your loved ones rather than looking forward to spending time with them at the end of the day. Try limiting your interaction during work hours and you will find time spent together more rewarding.

If you continue experiencing severe difficulties managing anxiety, procrastination, work related stress, or other symptoms, reach out to a mental health professional who can help you structure your work environment and increase productivity while reducing the negative impact of this new way of life.

The post Working Hard or Hardly Working? Working from Home and Boundaries in 2020 first appeared on World of Psychology.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/3hGvDvi
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Is It Possible to Be Too Empathetic? (And How to Cope if You Are)

Ever since I can remember, other people’s pain — both physical and emotional — seemed to infiltrate straight into my own body and mind. As a kid, whenever someone fell on the playground, my stomach lurched up and down like an erratic elevator. Even if someone just talked about getting hurt, my belly reeled in empathy. To this day, my body still reacts the same way whenever I see or hear someone in distress (watching the news can oftentimes bring on a feeling of physical pain and panic). 

The emotional absorption, though, hasn’t always been so clear-cut, as feelings like depression, fear, and anger are often kept under wraps. But, as I became older, it became more and more apparent just how much I’m affected by other people’s emotions. I can be perfectly at ease and feeling energized, but if I’m around certain people too long, I internalize their negative emotions, which makes me feel unwarranted anxiety, sadness, and exhaustion. On the other hand (thank goodness!), I also tend to feel more joyful and hopeful when I’m around those people who are honest, kind, and… empathetic. 

In the last year or so, I’ve also discovered that there’s a term for people like me: empath. When I first heard it, I have to admit that it sounded like something out of a sci-fi story (the example that came to mind was Deanna Troi from Star Trek who had the ability to sense emotions and fittingly worked as the ship’s counselor). Yet, the more research I did, the more I realized how much the empath label fits. 

In an article for Psychology Today titled “10 Traits Empathic People Share”, psychiatrist Dr. Judith Orloff describes empaths as people who tend to absorb other’s emotions and/or physical symptoms. An empath herself (and author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People), Dr. Orloff lists some of the most common traits that empaths share, which include: highly sensitive natures and senses (an empath can get more easily stressed than others by noise, smells, etc.), a developed sense of intuition, a tendency to become overwhelmed, and an inclination to nurture others at the expense of one’s own mental health. 

I know that I can relate to almost every part of that list… and now understand that when a family member called me “oversensitive” when I was a kid, it wasn’t because I was weak or wrong — but rather that it was simply a part of who I was — and will always be. As Dr. Orloff recommends, though, empaths learn how to center themselves so that they don’t become too overwhelmed. Empath or not, we all feel overloaded at times, so the following suggestions may help you navigate life, whether you relate to the intuitive Deanna Troi or the logical Spock!

1. Take Breaks: In your day-to-day life, remember to take both small and large breaks. Small breaks may be as simple as taking a couple of minutes for deep breathing exercises in your car before you get out — especially if the drive itself was stressful, lying on the couch and closing your eyes for a few minutes after grocery shopping, even taking a walk around the block when your partner’s voice is starting to grate on your nerves! Larger breaks include indulging in a long bubble bath, taking a day off from online work and social media, and getting out in nature. Taking breaks can help reset, rejuvenate, and balance — so make sure to take them as soon as you feel overwhelmed — or even know that you will.
2. Set Boundaries: If someone continuously makes you feel ill-at-ease and/or drains your energy, think about limiting your time with that person. And when you are in that person’s company, remind yourself that you do not need her approval… so if she wants something from you that you do not want to give, you can learn to push away any unnecessary guilt and also may feel more empowered to say no. One of the most compassionate ways, by the way, to say no is to simply thank the person for thinking of you and explain that you are too overwhelmed to take on anything else right now. If you’re not sure, you can always say that you need to check your calendar first and will get back to that person within the next several days. And, if you think you may be too much of a people pleaser (empaths tend to be), it may be very helpful not to agree to anything in the moment (unless, of course, you know that you really want to).
3. Trust Yourself: Last but not least, remember that you are the one who knows you the best. No one else can gauge how much time you need to recuperate. No one else can tap into your intuition. No one else can learn how to balance your own life as well as you can. So, honor your gift, realize your strength, and… trust yourself. 

The post Is It Possible to Be Too Empathetic? (And How to Cope if You Are) first appeared on World of Psychology.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/31DCb8i
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Partner’s Family Controlling & Manipulative After His Diagnosis with BPD/Bipolar

Hi, thanks for reading this. My partner (we’ll call him X) and I have been dating for 2.5 years. We both live with our parents in our hometown and in university, but I study in another city where I have my own place.

I have a history of mental illness, X on the other hand was newly diagnosed with possible BPD/borderline this summer after seeking help for suicidal thoughts.

He is 21, but ever since he sought help, his parents have been manipulative and guilt tripping him. They say his actions have destroyed the family and now he has to fix the relationship and build back trust. They are taking away his license, car, and even phone, and have banned him from leaving the house by himself. They are also against him talking to me, even though I’m his only major support system.

X recognizes that this treatment isn’t helping, but his parents ignore everything he says and guilt trips him to the point where he doesn’t feel safe and feels worse after talking to them. He feels trapped and in the 3 weeks since he was discharged from the hospital, we’ve only seen each other twice. X is afraid to stand up to them out of fear they will be even more controlling and he doesn’t’ see a way out.

In a few weeks I’ll be moving away for 1.5 years d/t school. I wanted to spend this time by seeing him as much as possible before I have to go, but this situation makes it nearly impossible and I despise his parents for it.

Additionally, In the last week, my dog died suddenly and a lot of traumatic events happened in my life. I want us to be there for each other, but he has to keep all contact a secret, making it hard for him to comfort me. I also feel guilty by telling him my issues and putting more stresses in his life.

He is my biggest support system as well and it has been so hard. We love each other very much, but this entire situation is taking a serious toll on me and I don’t know what to do or how to help.

Unfortunately, there doesn’t seem to be much you can do to remedy this situation. He apparently feels unable to leave his home or he simply can’t afford to live on his own. I imagine that if he had the funds to move out, he would have done so already. For now, he might be stuck living with his parents, however poorly they are treating him. He should strive to move out as soon as he’s ready, both emotionally and financially. That would be the goal but at this time, it doesn’t seem as though it’s a possibility. In that case, there’s very little that you have the power to do.

The best that you can do is support him from a distance. You’re going to be moving away soon and will likely be busy with your own life. Long distance relationships can be a challenge even in the best of circumstances. Hopefully, he will be undergoing treatment which could help him to overcome the current difficulties in his life. The fact that he had been in the hospital hopefully means that he was referred for outpatient treatment. With treatment, his symptoms could improve to the point where he could more effectively deal with his parents and his life in general.

Emotionally, he may not be in the right mindset for a relationship. Having been in the hospital suggests that his symptoms were severe. Despite being out of the hospital, he continues to experience a lack of stability, seemingly because of the way his parents are treating him. Being disconnected from his partner is likely contributing to his emotional instability but with time and the right treatment, his mental health could improve. Once he is more stable and his symptoms are under control, your relationship may prosper. Until then, it is important to adjust your expectations.

It is important to keep in mind that his parents may be reacting the way they are because they are worried about him. I’m not suggesting that their treatment is right or justified. I’m only attempting to explain why they might be behaving in a certain way. If he had recently been hospitalized, then his life was likely in danger. Psychiatric hospitalization typically only occurs when an individual poses an imminent danger to themselves or to others. His being suicidal either means that he was on the verge of harming himself or he did attempt to harm himself, an action which may have occurred in their home, under their roof. Because they are concerned about his life and condition, they may be overprotective of their son. Like you, they may be struggling with knowing how to react to a loved one wanting to end their lives. There is no “playbook” on how to respond to near suicides. It is disconcerting and disorienting and his parents may be doing the best they can.

Apparently, the two of you can’t physically be together and thus the best that you can do is attempt to support him from afar. Write him letters, make contact when you can via the Internet, email, text messaging, etc. Encourage him to stay in treatment. The more positive support and encouragement he has from those around him, the better the possible outcome.

I wish I had a more satisfactory answer for you but not everything is easily fixable. With time, maturity and the right treatment, there’s a high probability that he will overcome these issues. Hopefully, then the two of you can be together. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

from Ask the Therapist https://ift.tt/2QFn6Nk
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

9 Blood Pressure Drugs That Ease Depression Symptoms (M)

They may work by helping to reduce inflammation in the body.

→ Support PsyBlog for just $5 per month. Enables access to articles marked (M) and removes ads.

→ Explore PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Accept Yourself: How to feel a profound sense of warmth and self-compassion
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything
• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do

from PsyBlog https://ift.tt/2DaiVFU
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Fact or artifact

A new turn in the saga of my data processing. There has been some concern that the artifact from the stimulation is causing the thing I am seeing in my data. There are arguments to be made for both sides, but let's go over what that could mean for me.

from Lunatic Laboratories https://ift.tt/3hHvlnH
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

The Diet Linked To Healthy Aging

Following this diet plan for one year promotes certain gut bacteria which lead to healthy ageing.

→ Support PsyBlog for just $5 per month. Enables access to articles marked (M) and removes ads.

→ Explore PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Accept Yourself: How to feel a profound sense of warmth and self-compassion
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything
• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do

from PsyBlog https://ift.tt/3jtTxe0
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Art Therapy of the Past: Finding Comfort & Consolation in Art

Art therapists today help their patients cope with anxiety, addiction, illness, or pain. Therapists might encourage clients to explore their emotions by drawing, for example, or to reflect on a difficult experience through painting. Art is used to help people express themselves and explore their emotions.

In past centuries, however, art therapy took a substantially different form. Maybe it’s time to bring this practice of the past into the present—as a way to move into the future.

The Isenheim Altarpiece is a 16th century sculpted and painted work housed in an old convent-turned-museum in the medieval city of Colmar, France—a city with wood-framed houses and winding footpaths that appear to have changed little in 500 years.

Altarpieces have long been used to decorate churches and to tell stories, but the Isenheim Altarpiece offered an additional therapeutic function. The religious order that cared for the sick, the Antonites, “prescribed” viewing the altarpiece to those in their hospitals. They led the sick to the choir area of the Isenheim church, where they provided them with fresh bread and saint vinage, an herb-infused wine. In this quiet space, patients could meditate on the paintings that comprised the altarpiece.

The Isenheim Altarpiece’s central panel displayed a plague-infected crucified Christ. For Europeans in the Middle Ages, religious art held a particular power over the social imagination. Patients sick with bubonic plague would have derived great consolation from the image of Christ similarly afflicted. The painting told them Christ’s body was ruined like theirs, he understands their suffering, and they are not alone. It silently relieved some of the deepest anxieties of the sick and dying: decay of the body, pain, isolation.

Over the centuries, the Isenheim Altarpiece has continued to impress countless artists and writers. American novelist Francine Prose was particularly astonished by its use as art therapy. She described viewing the altarpiece as life-changing and said she was surprised to discover, “at some point in our history, a society thought that this was what art could do: that art might possibly accomplish something like a small miracle of comfort and consolation.”

Could art still accomplish a miracle of comfort and consolation today? Could it remind people of their mortality while also mitigating fear? Could it foreshadow the inevitable while also instilling hope?

When the Antonites prescribed viewing the Isenheim Altarpiece, it was meant to be life-changing. The sick ate bread, drank wine, and metaphorically consumed the painting. And that consumption allowed for personal transformation. Patients opened themselves up to the image of the dying Christ and received comfort through solidarity.

Today, we also consume art. Indeed, the Isenheim Altarpiece now sits in a world-class museum on display for those who can pay. But do we let art transform us? Do we allow art to remind us of our finitude and comfort us in our brokenness? Or do we see it merely as pay-for-view works of creative expression? Or worse still—its possession as a symbol of social status? Do we own art, but refuse to let it shape us?

I was of the persuasion that art had perhaps been irredeemably commodified, along with the rest of what is good, true, and beautiful in life. And then I went to France to see the altarpiece for myself.

Space does not permit its adequate description. The altarpiece’s multiple layers, stories, sculpture, and painting is all so rich. What I saw in France confirmed for me that the masterpiece continues to exert its life-changing influence. Art can still perform miracles of comfort and consolation.

I spent my day in Colmar scrutinizing the Isenheim Altarpiece from all angles. I had prepared in advance, and I drew on my research to take in its every feature.

At the end of the day, I went up to the balcony overlooking the work of art. I had examined its detail. Now I wanted to take it all in at once. But from my view above, it wasn’t the painting that captured my attention.

The hour was late, and the museum was nearly empty. Only two people remained. A thin middle-aged man who walked with a cane shuffled slowly from panel to panel. It was as if he were loath to leave and was trying to squeeze every last drop out of his medicine. On a bench sat a tiny elderly lady with loose white curls who was meditating on the disfigured Christ. The two of them were captivated, and I was captivated by their captivation. Broken and aged as they were, they were drinking in the beauty of art and receiving consolation of a different dimension.

This post courtesy of Spirituality & Health.

The post Art Therapy of the Past: Finding Comfort & Consolation in Art first appeared on World of Psychology.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2YMCPys
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

The end….

Though I’ve only blogged here for three months, it is with a heavy heart that I inform you Psych Central is undergoing major changes and will not be publishing new...

from Psych Central Professional https://ift.tt/2YH1c0v
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Path planning

One would think that the pandemic would put a lot of things on hold. Unfortunately (here in the US anyway) that isn't the case, it just makes things harder to do because everyone expects you to perform at a higher rate now that you're not commuting to school... how the hell that works is beyond me.

from Lunatic Laboratories https://ift.tt/3hHl5vV
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

The Parent’s Balancing Act: Using the Word ‘No’

Among many other things, parenthood inherently carries a significant responsibility for guiding the child’s unruly behavior into positive outlets. This is important not only for the child to become a functional and productive adult in society, but also to engage the child’s potential to find success and fulfillment. It is no small order for parents to find a way to allow their child to develop freely and independently, while also helping them adhere to societal expectations and develop a sense of morals and ethics that will ensure fewer barriers of resistance in life.

One way parents must accomplish this is to strike the appropriate balance for the use of the word, “No.” Before age two, children have little to no self control over their impulses, so expecting automatic compliance at this point would be futile for the parent. Instead, during toddlerhood and the early childhood years, we focus on gentle correction and redirecting. 

Allowing safe exploration and natural consequences to occur is a great way for a child to experience their own understanding of the limits of their world. This direct process of learning should be encouraged as much as possible while the parent keeps an ever observant attention, so that they can intervene when necessary to keep the child safe. 

Limiting the use of the word “no” or other corrective statements with negative connotation is an important key for parents to avoid triggering power struggles. The imposition of the word is enough for some children to automatically defy the direction in order to assert their own independence. Children at this age are still developing their autonomy and being told “no” can feel arbitrarily limiting to this process. Especially if this occurs frequently enough, the child may develop an associative pattern for how they respond, instead of thinking through individual choices and decisions, they become triggered by the word and the feeling associated with being corrected and their “go to” response may become defiance, no matter the circumstance.

Instead, try flipping every redirection into a positive statement that encourages the desired behavior:

• Instead of “No screaming” — try “inside voices, please.”
• Instead of “No running” — try “walking feet, please.”
• Instead of “No hitting” — try “keep your hands to yourself, please.”

When issued as gentle reminders, the child may be more receptive to adopt the positive behavior as opposed to “stopping” the inappropriate behavior in which they are already engaged. 

This concept works well for responding to your child’s requests, too:

For example, if your child repeatedly asks for a play date on a school night, instead of, “No, not today,” try, “Tonight is a school night, but Saturday would be a great time to invite your friends to play.” This offers both an objective explanation as well as an alternative plan, as opposed to shutting down the child’s earnest request with no other feedback. It is in this way, the parent is able to create and enforce practical limits without triggering the negative emotions and pushback that is often associated with the word “No.” 

But every balancing act has two sides. The flipside of this argument is that your child still needs to learn to cope with simply being told, “No.” If every request or behavior is sidestepped creatively, your child might have trouble coping with another expectation or adult that is not so adept at avoiding power struggles. Therefore, the use of the word or simple correction that offers no additional context should still be intentionally practiced, especially when the answers are more cut and dry. 

Some good examples of these would be anything that is related to the child’s safety. Crossing the road, holding hands in the parking lot, not touching hazardous items such as medicine, guns, knives, etc. These types of expectations are simply rules to keep the child safe and they must learn to adhere to them even without additional explanation. And in this case, if the child resists the direction, you can calmly remind them that we all must abide by rules for safety and this is one of the rules. Some things are just non-negotiable. 

There will be times when even negotiable things must be denied by the parent for one reason or another and these incidents must just be practiced on occasion, too. 

Maintaining a positive disciplinary position while also cultivating a healthy respect for rules and authority is not an easy task and it must be tailored to each individual child based on his or her temperament and responsiveness. But working through this dynamic early on will set the precedent for all behavior and expectation related incidents throughout the child’s adolescence and beyond. 

The post The Parent’s Balancing Act: Using the Word 'No' first appeared on World of Psychology.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/2YO1u5H
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Psychology Around the Net: August 29, 2020

Before we get on with this week’s Psychology Around the Net, I need to let you know that this will be the last one.

Healthline has purchased Psych Central and content production stops August 31, 2020. Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central’s founder and our fearless leader, recently shared his reflections and gratitude.

Additionally, many of our talented and knowledgeable contributers have shared goodbye posts, and invitations to follow their new blogs.

Now, let’s see what’s new in the world of mental health this week!

The Psychology Behind Why Some College Students Break COVID-19 Rules: According to developmental psychologists, some college students are making risky decisions regarding the coronavirus pandemic and social distancing (or, lack thereof) not because of teenage recklessness and vanity but because of their development and mental resilience. Due to their rapidly developing amygdala and the fact that there frontal cortex hasn’t caught up yet, they’re pretty much wired to take risks. At the same time, they depend on the social connections college (usually) offers to build their identities. Pair those factors with still trying to process the pandemic and the mixed messages they’re getting from adults and you’ve got a perfect recipe for COVID-19 rule-breaking.

Mental Health Resilience Tied to Fewer COVID-19 Worries: Speaking of resilience, results from a new survey show an association between higher resilience scores and lower coronavirus-related worries. Researchers from the University of Pennsylvania Perelman School of Medicine in Philadelphia surveyed 3,042 people (65 percent female; with a mean age of 39 years). Participants reported significantly more worries about their family members getting sick with COVID-19 and unknowingly infecting other people with the virus than about getting COVID-19 themselves.

Got Fatigue? Study Further Pinpoints Brain Regions That May Control It: Using MRI scans and computer modeling, researchers at John Hopkins Medicine say they have further located areas in the human brain that regulate efforts to deal with fatigue. These findings could help advance the development of strategies that increase physical performance as well as shine light on the neural mechanisms that contribute to fatigue in people with depression, multiple sclerosis, and stroke.

Playfulness Can Be Trained — Here’s Why You Should Do It: In a new study, researchers had participants perform exercises designed to boost their playfulness and found that the playfulness trait can be stimulated and trained, and that it can improve a person’s mood and life satisfaction.

How to Stop Yourself From Suffering Burnout: According to Anne Helen Petersen, author of Can’t Even: How Millennials Became the Burnout Generation, one way is to work less. But how?

Happiness Museum Looks at Brighter Feelings in Uncertain Times: Amid these current confusing and worrisome times, the Happiness Research Institute in Copenhagen has opened its Happiness Museum. According to the Institute’s CEO Meik Wiking, they came up with the idea because they’ve had so many requests from the public to visit their office space. After all, one would think the office space of the Happiness Research Institute would be something special, yeah? As it turns out, they’re “just eight people sitting in front of computers looking at data.” Says Wiking: “So we thought, why don’t we create a place where people can experience happiness from different perspectives and give them an exhibition where they can become a little bit wiser around some of the questions we try to solve?”

Photo by Priscilla Du Preez on Unsplash

The post Psychology Around the Net: August 29, 2020 first appeared on World of Psychology.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/3b5EXGy
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

How Do I Stop Escalating the Self-Harm?

From a teen in England: I’ve had a problem with self-harm for a long time. It started when I was about 13 and I would just repeatedly punch myself in the face and slam myself into furniture to leave bruises all over my body. Adoring the attention people would give me as I got the reputation of being clumsy so others would get things for me, lift heavy items for me or hold my arm so I wouldn’t trip.

This was innocent enough but as the years progressed I began to want more. With me forcing myself to vomit over the floor so others would have to clean it up, throwing myself down a flight of stairs, drinking nail varnish remover, breaking my own nose by slamming it into a wall too hard, pouring boiling hot water from the kettle onto my arm, not eating or drinking for days to make myself faint, I also have become a frequent cutter and have scars littering my arms and legs.

You’d think I’d feel ashamed of my actions but in actuality, I just feel very proud of it all. I love seeing myself like this to the point I’ll stare at my scars in the mirror for hours. I do know deep down this isn’t healthy and I don’t know why exactly I’m doing it since I hate the pain, it’s the results I’m after. Most likely it is for attention. I was sexually assaulted when I was 8 years old so that could tie into it but I’m not sure.

I have been considering seeking help for my behaviour as I know it’ll just continue to escalate as recently I’ve been getting the urge to cut off my own fingers and to drink bleach. I’m just not sure what I can do to get help or if I even have a mental illness as in all other aspects of my life I function pretty normally.

As worrisome as this all is, it makes sense to me. You were sexually assaulted when you were 8. I don’t know what kind of help you got at that time but whatever it was, it wasn’t enough. You are still sending up flares – looking for help. You didn’t have enough language/vocabulary at the time to ask for the help and nurturing and caretaking you needed so you did what kids do, you started acting out your need instead of talking about it. Unfortunately, that need is like an emotional black hole inside. Nothing anyone around you can do is enough to take care of the little girl inside who is still hurting so, so much.

What you need is not, not, not a more dangerous method for hurting yourself. What you need is for someone to really hear that hurt little girl and to give her (and her parents) the tools she needs to heal. There are therapists who specialize in helping young women like yourself heal from trauma and move on in life.

I hope you have parents who can help you. If so, share your letter and this response with them. Ask them to help you find a therapist who specializes in trauma and teens.

If your parents are not the kind of folks who respect therapy, consider talking with your school counselor about how to get help. Since you are internet savvy, you could also do your own research to find local mental health clinics or practices that offer free or low cost treatment to women who have experienced sexual assault.

Please follow through. You need and deserve the help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

from Ask the Therapist https://ift.tt/3baxeGZ
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

A Common Sign Of High Blood Pressure

This sign is linked to a 40 percent greater chance of high blood pressure.

→ Support PsyBlog for just $5 per month. Enables access to articles marked (M) and removes ads.

→ Explore PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Accept Yourself: How to feel a profound sense of warmth and self-compassion
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything
• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do

from PsyBlog https://ift.tt/34JAPdX
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

How To Boost Your Mental Energy Without Caffeine (M)

Coffee makes people think in more concrete ways and perceive that time is shorter.

→ Support PsyBlog for just $5 per month. Enables access to articles marked (M) and removes ads.

→ Explore PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Accept Yourself: How to feel a profound sense of warmth and self-compassion
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything
• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do

from PsyBlog https://ift.tt/2ENvBmw
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

An Intimate Exploration of the Process of Divorce, Part II

The impact on emotions and stress during and after divorce is important to review in order to provide appropriate therapeutic interventions. It is also important to discuss the way in...

from Psych Central Professional https://ift.tt/32yOWjP
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

How Imposter Syndrome Sinks Its Claws into Multiracial People

At MHAScreening.org, we know that among Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) that take a mental health screen, people who identified themselves as multiracial were the most likely to screen positive or at-risk for alcohol/substance use disorders, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, and psychosis.

There’s research that shows that multiracial people have more behavioral health problems than their monoracial counterparts. They face unique stressors, and often find that it is difficult to connect with others – even with other multiracial people. More often than not, the parents of multiracial people will not necessarily understand their struggles. Even among multiracial people, their experiences are so unique that talking with other multiracial people can feel disjointed, and there can be a failure to connect.

For multiracial people, imposter syndrome goes deeper than our ability to compete with others in skills or knowledge. It can affect our cultural and ethnic identity. When you don’t feel like you “belong” to a group of people, it can make you question your experiences and sense of identity, especially when how identify is often rooted in the way the world sees you.

I can only speak to my experience, but being Puerto Rican and Chinese made me feel like I needed to be “more” of those identities in order to be accepted by people who identified as being Chinese or Puerto Rican — including my own family — because I didn’t look like them or I didn’t have the same experiences as monoracial people. I’ve always been considered “half” or “watered down” versions of my Chinese and Puerto Rican identities.

Let’s break down some of the issues that multiracial individuals face.

Colorism

Within communities of color, there are examples of how lighter-skinned or people who have more traditionally European features are favored as better or more desirable in these communities. It is important to recognize how even within our communities we uphold ideals of White supremacy based on one’s “proximity to Whiteness.”

Multiracial individuals who are darker-skinned — compared to the lighter-skinned “ideal of beauty” held by their communities — can be mocked, shunned, and discriminated against by people within their own community.

Exclusion/Isolation

Multiracial individuals can often feel excluded from their communities. You’re “too much” of something or “not enough.” My own extended family was very loving and accepting of my little mixed family, but there was always an internal sense of being different. I didn’t look like them, I couldn’t speak like them, and I didn’t have the same experiences as them.

One known systemic example of this type of exclusion of multiracial people is Japan’s obsession with the “Hafu” (“half”) look while simultaneously denying acceptance, rights, and even citizenship to multiracial individuals in Japan.

This is especially egregious when multiracial individuals who match the ideal “Hafu look” like Kiko Mizuhara are heralded for their beauty and accepted as Japanese, while multiracial individuals who aren’t are considered foreigners, regardless of how they identify or if they had lived in Japan their entire lives. However, even with the love that Mizuhara experiences as a celebrity in Japan, she has also struggled with her biracial identity.

Lack of Representation

A strange trend that has been happening in media has been the use of multiracial identities to cast White actors or using multiracial individuals to cast characters who are ethnically monoracial. A couple of examples include the casting of:

• Lana Condor who is of Vietnamese descent to play the role of Lara Jean Covey, a character that is canonically Korean and White;
• Henry Golding who is of Malaysian and English descent to play the role of Nick Young, a canonically Chinese-Singaporean character; and
• Emma Stone who is a White American to play the role of Allison Ng, a character that is canonically Asian and Hawaiian.

I’m not saying that only multiracial characters should be played by only multiracial individuals and vice versa, but there’s definitely a deflating feeling when you get excited about seeing a character similar to you, but are disappointed to not see an actor that represents that identity. This is complicated and ongoing discussion among multiracial individuals and there’s no right or wrong answer, but something to think about.

Hollywood has never had a great track record in terms of casting appropriately – especially for people of color. Overall, there are not enough BIPOC or multiracial roles to go around in the first place, and I do not blame actors of color for taking what they can get.

Privilege

It is important to recognize for some multiracial individuals, you have a lot of privilege depending on the way people see you. For example, lighter-skinned, White-adjacent, or White passing multiracial people have significantly different experiences than others. In a 2013 Medium article, the author identified as being biracial — half Black and half White — and they and their sibling had significantly different experiences, because the world identified them as White and their sibling as Black.

While this privilege doesn’t negate negative experiences due to identity or other struggles of being multiracial, it’s important to realize the privilege that comes with being able to “come out” as an identity — which is different than for people who are automatically stereotyped based on their appearance. Even if you aren’t accepted by your community — especially if you have Black or Indigenous heritage — it’s still important to show up for issues of injustice anyway, and use the privilege you do hold to navigate spaces that others cannot.

This is a tough pill to swallow. I have been there. But it is something that we need to understand, learn, and grow from.

Finding Healing

There are communities like Mixed in America or Mixed Life Media that provide a community for multiracial people to connect, share, express themselves, and discuss these complex topics and ideas.

The APA Bill of Rights for People of Mixed Heritage is a great place for people of multiracial heritage to find mantra for themselves in finding healing and self-acceptance.

Remember – you are not a racial imposter. You get to define how you identify. You are enough and you do not need to justify your existence to anyone.

This post courtesy of Mental Health America.

Photo by Kat Love on Unsplash.

The post How Imposter Syndrome Sinks Its Claws into Multiracial People first appeared on World of Psychology.

from World of Psychology https://ift.tt/3gBXc7p
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

My Girlfriend Is Having Odd Fears & They’re Scaring Her. Not Sure How to Answer Her

earlier today my girlfriend messaged me saying this: “I haven’t been feeling like myself and this week isn’t the first time I’ve felt like this. I don’t feel like my body belongs to me like it belongs to someone else and it’s scary. I tried talking to my mother about it but that didn’t work out- as usual. The more days go by, the less I feel like me. My depression is also taking over, I’m also acting up more than usual” I wasn’t sure how to answer her because I was confused. She said she didn’t know how to describe it any further but she is scared because it’s getting worse. A few things to mention is that she has Anxiety, Depression, and BPD. Were both pretty young me being 19 her being 18, so I are seeking help for her. I would bring her to a psychiatrist but our relation is long distance, being 3-4 hours away from each other. I can’t afford to drive that far and I don’t think my car could handle that. Please just give me a word of advice to help her out, anything. something that she can do to calm down and stabilize, to something that I can tell her and somewhat diagnose her.

Encourage her to seek treatment. As you said, you would take her if you could but you can’t because of the distance. That’s okay. Supporting and encouraging her from a distance is a perfectly fine approach.

I would specifically recommend that she consult with a mental health professional such as a therapist and a psychiatrist. Therapists evaluate an individual’s condition, diagnose it and treat emotional problems with counseling. Many therapists specialize in specific types of counseling. You mentioned that your girlfriend has BPD but I don’t know if you meant borderline personality disorder or bipolar disorder. Individuals with borderline personality disorder often benefit from a psychotherapeutic treatment called dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). Individuals with bipolar disorder often benefit from a psychotherapeutic treatment called cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is also highly effective for both anxiety and depression.

Encourage her to contact 4 or 5 therapists and to interview them over the phone. This allows her to evaluate whether or not she feels comfortable with any of them over the phone. At that point, she should choose the one with whom she felt the most comfortable. In our pandemic environment, the next step in the process would likely involve her beginning treatment via Skype or a related technology. She may prefer to attend in person, and that might be an option, depending on where she lives and what services are available.

As for meeting with a psychiatrist, she might start by contacting her primary care physician (PCP) and asking for a referral. She should report her symptoms to her PCP which would assist them in making their referral. Psychiatrists mainly focus on providing medication for psychiatric conditions. They don’t typically provide talk therapy or counseling as a therapist would. That is why she may need both a therapist and a psychiatrist. What works the best for her will depend upon her needs.

The idea that she doesn’t feel as though her body belongs to her may be a sign of depersonalization/derealization disorder. Depersonalization is the feeling of being detached from one’s thoughts, feelings, and body. Derealization is the feeling of being disconnected from one surrounding environment. The symptoms of depersonalization and/or derealization are associated with dissociative disorders and trauma histories. The symptoms are also associated with seizure disorders and certain brain disorders. Thus, she should seek the expertise of mental health professionals who can evaluate her condition, rule out possible medical problems, and develop an action plan for treatment.

You can’t treat her symptoms because you are not a mental health professional and it would be ill-advised to attempt to do so. You can be most helpful by encouraging her to undergo mental health treatment. The more encouragement and support you provide, the greater the likelihood that she will get the help she needs. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

from Depression – Ask the Therapist https://ift.tt/3hGMHkH
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT