Struggling to Get Something Done? Maybe You Need an Accountability Buddy

Have I mentioned that I’ve created a personality framework called the “Four Tendencies?” Oh right, I think I have. Well, if you don’t know about this framework, which divides all of humanity into four categories — Upholder, Questioner, Obliger, and Rebel — you can read an explanation and to take the quiz to find out your Tendency here.

Of the Four Tendencies, “Obliger” is the largest Tendency, the one that the most people belong to, for both men and women. And the defining fact about Obligers is that they readily meet outer expectations, but they struggle to meet inner expectation. For instance, they wouldn’t miss a work deadline, but they’d find it hard to find time to exercise on their own.

The key point for Obligers: To meet inner expectations, Obligers must create outer accountability — and it must be the right kind of accountability.

While people of other Tendencies may benefit from the Strategy of Accountability, Obligers require it. They need tools such as supervision, late fees, deadlines, monitoring, and consequences enforced from the outside. For Obligers, this is the crucial element.

Also, Obligers must pick the right kind of accountability for them. Obligers also vary dramatically in what makes them feel accountable.

For some Obligers, an auto-generated email or  buzzing FitBit might be enough; some Obligers feel accountable only to an actual person.

I was surprised to find that for many Obligers, the prospect of wasting money doesn’t bring a sense of accountability. An Obliger friend told me, “I’ve always wanted to try yoga, finally, I actually signed up—and I went one time. It was the $300 yoga class.” Maybe money doesn’t provide accountability because it’s their own money; if they’re wasting someone else’s money, they might feel accountable.

So if you’re an Obliger, and you want to create accountability, here are some options to consider:

Accountability partner

Obligers can team up with an accountability partner: a classmate, trainer, personal organizer, coach, health-care worker teacher, family member, or friend.

Unfortunately, informal accountability partners can sometimes be unreliable. If that partner loses interest, gets distracted, or doesn’t want to play the enforcer, the Obliger stalls out.

Because it can be tough to find a reliable accountability partner among friends and family, Obligers may do better with a professional. For instance, coaches—career coaches, health coaches, life coaches—can provide the crucial accountability by setting concrete goals, establishing deadlines, and looking over their clients’ shoulders.

Accountability groups

People who don’t want to pay for a professional, or rely on a single accountability partner, can join or start an accountability group.

As Alcoholics Anonymous, Weight Watchers, law-school study groups, and Happiness Project groups demonstrate, we give and get accountability, as well as energy and ideas, from meeting with like-directed people.

I created the free Better app for people to exchange ideas and tips about the Four Tendencies, and Better app also makes it super-easy to form accountability groups of all kinds.

Having a client, customer, or student

Clients, customers, and students impose accountability by the very nature of the relationship. An Obliger told me, “I’d been putting off creating an online training course to accompany my podcast on self-publishing. So in my latest episode, I offered a free copy of the training course to the first 25 listeners who sign up. Because people have signed up, I actually have to create the course.”

Similarly, many Obligers mention using getting a paid or volunteer job as an accountability strategy. Want to exercise? Teach Zumba.

Duty to others

Obligers often do things for others that they can’t do for themselves, so an Obliger may be able to meet an aim by thinking of its benefit to other people, instead of its personal value. An Obliger wrote, “I’m Controller of a company, and to create accountability, I tie my personal commitments to my commitment to work: if I get enough sleep, I work better; if I exercise, I have more energy, plus I spend less time and money going to the chiropractor.”

Many Obligers struggle to say “no,” even when they’re feeling very burdened by expectations. To overcome this reluctance, Obligers can remind themselves that saying “no” to one person allows them to say “yes” to someone else. A highly regarded professor told me that he accepted too many speaking engagements, until one day he thought, “By turning down the keynote talk, I’ll give someone else the chance to speak.” That thought allowed him to decline some speaking requests.

Some Obligers feel a duty to their future selves. “I need to do this for future-me.”

Role model

Many Obligers can meet an expectation if it’s tied to their duty to be a good role model, which is a form of outer expectation. “If I stay at my desk until 9 p.m., I set a bad example for my staff.”

Other ingenious solutions:

“I heard myself say, ‘This summer, I’m going to get my finances in order.’ As the words left my mouth, I knew they weren’t true. So I made an appointment with my expensive accountant. I had to get my finances organized to have the meeting with him and not have it cost a fortune.”

“My Questioner husband came up with this idea to help me fight my sugar addiction: any dessert that I eat, he has to eat double.”

“When I want to finish some writing, I tell someone else that I’ll send it to them for review by a certain date, and I also set up meetings to present ideas, which forces me to get them down on paper.”

“I wanted to stick to a budget, but also wanted to keep my finances private. So how to create outer accountability? I told my family, ‘I’m saving so we can finally make that beach trip.’ They’re so excited, I can’t let them down.”

“My sister-in-law and I both made a list of some healthy habits we want to cultivate, with a three-month time limit. If we both stick with the plan, we’ll earn a spa day. The catch is that, since we’re Obligers, we earn the spa day for each other.  If I don’t follow through, she won’t get her spa day—and vice versa. We would let ourselves down, but we would never let each other down.”

“I wanted to get up earlier, but I live alone. So I created an embarrassing Facebook post, and used Hootsuite to set it to post every morning at 8:00 a.m., unless I get up ahead of time to disable it.”

“I have many suggestions to help my Obliger music students practice consistently: join a band or an orchestra (especially effective if the student has a special role, such as the bass clarinet in a quartet); become a mentor for a younger musician; organize practice sessions in pairs, where a failure to show up will hurt a fellow student; or make a pact with a loved one that that person can’t do some desirable activity unless the Obliger has practiced.”

Whenever an Obliger struggles to get something done, the solution is always the same: external accountability. It’s just a question of figuring out what form it’s going to take.

I can’t emphasize this enough. For Obligers, it’ s not a matter of motivation, or putting yourself first, or balance, or self-esteem, boundaries, or priorities. Plug in outer accountability, and you will be able to meet inner expectations. (Unless you fall into Obliger-rebellion, which is a story for another day and a big chapter in The Four Tendencies.)

If you want to learn more about the Four Tendencies, you can sign up for the free Better app and join the fascinating conversations there.

My book The Four Tendencies goes into much greater depth on these issues. It will hit the shelves in September, and you can pre-order it now. (If you’re inclined to buy the book, it’s a big help to me if you pre-order it now; pre-orders matter a lot for building support for a book among booksellers, the media, and other readers.)

I have to say, one of the most fun aspects of working on The Four Tendencies was hearing all the ingenious, imaginative strategies that Obligers have devised.

Have you used or seen any other helpful accountability strategies?

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Five Narcissistic Relationship Survival Tips

To find yourself, think for yourself. – Socrates

Here are some guidelines for surviving a narcissistic relationship.  It is very simple, actually.  The hard part is walking through the perceived land mines created in your own mind.  If you do nothing else, remember the following five ideas:

 

1. Your biggest imprisoner is your own belief system.In other words, it’s not the narcissist that keeps you captive, it’s what you believe about your narcissist, your options, and yourself.
2. Give yourself permission.The reason you can’t leave, talk back to, set boundaries, move, get a different job, you name it, is because you haven’t given yourself permission to do it yet. It is helpful to remind yourself that this one idea you’re holding on to is not your last best hope.
3. Be your own hero.This means, stop expecting the other person to change. Simply change yourself. Rescue yourself. Be good to yourself. Instead of fantasizing about “if onlies,” take matters in to your own hands and empower yourself to make the changes necessary for you to have a good life.
4. Live one day at a time.Do not “future trip,” “horriblize,” or make every decision a crisis. Simply “take the next indicated step” in your life and make each choice presented the healthy one.
5. Never let a narcissist define you.Is there really any more to explain regarding this concept?

While the steps needed to heal from narcissistic abuse are simple, doing them will be the most difficult thing you’ve ever done. Do not underestimate the power of a narcissistic relationship and how life-defining it can be.

 

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Is It Possible that My Mind Could Have Repressed the Memory of Being Raped When I Was 14?

When I was in my last year of middle school, I had this teacher who always acted strangely toward me. He would always make strange/flirty comments with sexual undertones. He did this throughout the entire year, and on the last day of school myself and one other student stayed behind to say goodbye. I had very low self esteem and was just happy that someone seemed to be paying me attention, and so I didn’t think about how wrong it was. The teacher hugged me goodbye, and I remember looking over his shoulder at the other kid, and he just looked so disturbed. Then the other student left, and we were alone. I don’t remember the rest so much except I showed up to art class late. I have struggled since with depression and anxiety. I frequently think about the encounters we had, and wonder what they meant. Since coming to high school, I have encountered the teacher twice and nearly had a panic attack each time. I cannot sleep past 4 am, and am constantly exhausted. I think about rape a lot, and frequently imagine scenarios in which it happens to me. Is something wrong with me, or did something happen either on the last day of school or during my childhood?

A. Sometimes, people repress traumatic memories. It’s possible that something did happen with your teacher and you don’t remember it. That might explain why you panic when in their presence.

However, repressed memories are difficult and in some cases impossible to verify. The latest research into human memory suggests that it is very fallible. In other words, our memories can be unreliable and distorted. People can think that they remember things that actually did not happen. Innocent people have spent decades in prison because of false memories.

It is fruitless to spend energy on attempting to remember a potentially traumatic event that may or may not have happened. Your efforts would be better spent on treatment for your depression and anxiety. You are suffering on a day-to-day basis. That need not be the case. Your symptoms are highly treatable. I would recommend finding a local mental health professional who can help. Choose a professional who specializes in trauma. They would be in the best position to help you. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Is It Possible that My Mind Could Have Repressed the Memory of Being Raped When I Was 14?

When I was in my last year of middle school, I had this teacher who always acted strangely toward me. He would always make strange/flirty comments with sexual undertones. He did this throughout the entire year, and on the last day of school myself and one other student stayed behind to say goodbye. I had very low self esteem and was just happy that someone seemed to be paying me attention, and so I didn’t think about how wrong it was. The teacher hugged me goodbye, and I remember looking over his shoulder at the other kid, and he just looked so disturbed. Then the other student left, and we were alone. I don’t remember the rest so much except I showed up to art class late. I have struggled since with depression and anxiety. I frequently think about the encounters we had, and wonder what they meant. Since coming to high school, I have encountered the teacher twice and nearly had a panic attack each time. I cannot sleep past 4 am, and am constantly exhausted. I think about rape a lot, and frequently imagine scenarios in which it happens to me. Is something wrong with me, or did something happen either on the last day of school or during my childhood?

A. Sometimes, people repress traumatic memories. It’s possible that something did happen with your teacher and you don’t remember it. That might explain why you panic when in their presence.

However, repressed memories are difficult and in some cases impossible to verify. The latest research into human memory suggests that it is very fallible. In other words, our memories can be unreliable and distorted. People can think that they remember things that actually did not happen. Innocent people have spent decades in prison because of false memories.

It is fruitless to spend energy on attempting to remember a potentially traumatic event that may or may not have happened. Your efforts would be better spent on treatment for your depression and anxiety. You are suffering on a day-to-day basis. That need not be the case. Your symptoms are highly treatable. I would recommend finding a local mental health professional who can help. Choose a professional who specializes in trauma. They would be in the best position to help you. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Revealed: Long-Suspected Danger of Anti-Anxiety and Sleeping Drugs

Massive study of 100,000 people finds evidence for long-suspected danger of anxiety and sleeping drugs.

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• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do (NEW)
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14 Ways to Get on a New Path When You’re Feeling Lost

When you are feeling lost in life, it is easy to take the path of least resistance. Whether for you that means laying in bed and shutting out the world or staying in your normal routine. Note that everything on this list should be done in moderation. Finding one outlet and zoning in on that will not help you find a well-rounded path.

#1 Try Out New Hobbies

Have you ever wanted to learn to sew, wakeboard, or practice yoga? Why not start now? Hobbies are a great way to make new friends, find purpose, and feel accomplished. You never know how good you could be at something until you give it a try.

#2 Talk To Your Loved Ones

Your friends and family know you better than anyone. Call the person that can bring you back to your goals and inspire you to be the best you can be. Talk to them about your life, their life, or even the weather outside. But communication is great for the soul.

#3 Journal

Sometimes writing things down can help you organize your thoughts. It allows you to vent without having to share your personal business. A journal is a great tool to rationalize your thoughts and think clearly.

#4 Work Out

Working out does something for your body that other outlets cannot. It releases endorphins and encourages a healthy body when done correctly. Always remember that although fitness is a goal, it doesn’t hurt to treat yourself to a slice of pizza every once in awhile.

#5 Relax

Take a bath, go for a walk, knit, or sit in the sunshine. Do something positive that is relaxing to you.

#6 Set Goals

Make a few goals that you would like to finish in the next week, month, and year. For example, if you are unhappy in your job, you might want to set a goal of looking at the qualifications you need for the job you would like in the next week. Then, by the end of the month, your goal could be to gain 3 of those skills. By the end of the year, you want to be in that job role.

Each goal should be actionable, have a time limit, and be realistic. Then you should set mini goals of how you are going to make that goal come true.

#7 Read Books

Reading a book can be relaxing and can change your point of view on a situation. You could read a novel or even an inspirational book to get your mind going. What gets you excited for the next stage in your life? What makes you feel like you are understood and are not alone? Find that book and indulge.

#8 Get Dressed Up

Put on your favorite outfit and go into your day with confidence. It is much easier to find your life’s path when you are confident and ready to take on the world. Putting on a good outfit increases confidence and puts you one step closer to your goals.

#9 Hold Yourself Accountable

Make a calendar and stick with it. Plan outings with friends, group gym classes, and meals for the day. Then don’t let yourself drop your plans if you are not motivated. The first step to success is just showing up.

#10 Redecorate

Make your environment inspiring. Paint your room your favorite color or put pictures on your desk that remind you of the things you love. A little change of environment can help you feel refreshed and ready for a change.

#11 Get Rid of Negativity

If a negative thought comes into your mind, acknowledge that you could be negative and dwell on it or you could ignore it and do something to create change. If a friend comes over to gossip, change the subject. Or if your coworker wants to complain about your boss, say something positive back. Once you make this a habit, it will come naturally.

#12 Unplug from Social Media

Don’t let the expectations or lives of others influence your decisions. Delete the social media apps from your phone for a month and just live life. You won’t believe how much you don’t miss it after a while.

#13 Forgive But Don’t Forget

Forgive yourself and others for things they have done in the past. You are trying to move forward and do not need baggage. But do not be naive. Know your boundaries with people and take the relationship for what it is worth.

#14 Help Someone Else

The sense of accomplishment that can come from helping someone else is unbeatable. Whether you volunteer at a food shelf or send your friend a care package that is having a bad day, the positivity will multiply.

For help with forming goals or other psychiatry questions, visit http://ift.tt/1uK2l22.

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Your best bet for an expert witness is a friendly nerd rather than an attractive scientist

And it doesn’t really matter if the expert is male or female, if they are young or old, and they can be any ethnicity! In other words, said the researchers—the variables we have read so much about (i.e., gender, age, ethnicity) are not as notable as whether someone “looks like” our stereotype of a “good […]...

Gheorghiu, A., Callan, M., & Skylark, W. (2017) Facial appearance affects science communication. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences (PNAS)., 201620542. DOI: 10.1073/pnas.1620542114  

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5 Early Signs Of Autism Most People Miss

How to identify autism before 18 months of age.

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Anxiety about My Partner’s Past

I am 24 and my girlfriend is 22, together for around 6 months now. I love her more than anything and I am entirely happy that I am with her. She too feels the same and very often says that she loves me more than her life and in various moments in out lives together has shown it. She is really considerate and loving. We both are part time magicians and feel an amazing connection between us even on stage and I have to mention that even during the solo acts that we perform as a part of the shows we can even read what the other is gonna do next. So most of the times we end up not even practicing what we need to do. I say this to show the intimate connection that we both have to each other. Even though we both belong to different nationalities we are okay being together.

We are sexually active and are almost living together now. Lately what worries me is that she had a not so good past behind her. I didn’t have any relationships in the past. She was with a person whom I hate the most for reasons other than being with her. He belongs to a country which is entirely against mine which adds on to the intense hatred I have with this person. He used her for his needs and finally broke the promise he gave her and went off and married someone from his own place without even giving her a reason and not even telling her. Many of our friends saw them both together and I feel that when I am with her these people are laughing at me. Most of the people around me know they were together. (But we both will be leaving this town in another 2 years). When she was with me she was even scared once that this particular guy had infected her with some STD’s and even took a check up to prove she was okay. All this adds to my hatred to this person. This person leaving her left her so vulnerable that she ended up having some small relationships with others though not sexual. Nowadays the feelings of ‘what if she has done all this in the past’ is haunting me whenever we do anything together. Even sex.

I love her so much. Please help me. (From England)

A:  It is wonderful to hear how beautiful your love is for each other. No pun intended, it sounds magical.

Being in a painful relationship is often the turning point. Once betrayed and abandoned they often have to rethink their life and choose a course of action that, at the very least, moves away from that relationship.

What sounds clear is that your girlfriend has not only moved away from the horrible situation she was in, but moved toward you. This is a high degree of resilience, which is directly responsible for the two of you getting together. If that other relationship hadn’t been so terrible she wouldn’t be with you. Her past pain was a direct motivator for her to be in your life. I understand why you would dislike him, but his miserable treatment is the primary reason she is with you. Your friends (and hers) are likely to be happy you both found each other.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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5 Common Misconceptions About Grief

Like many painful emotions, we don’t talk much about grief. Grief is the emotional experience due to any type of loss. Being the experience-that-must-not-be-named (yes, I just made a Harry Potter reference) gives rise to lot of confusion and misconceptions about what grief actually is, so I’d like to take the chance to debunk some of these ideas.

1. “It’s the same as depression.”

While they can often be experienced simultaneously, grief and depression are not one in the same. Depression, as an illness, is chronic, cyclical, and diagnosed based on intensity, severity and duration. Depression can exacerbate grief, but someone experiencing grief is not necessarily depressed, and vice versa. Support from a mental health professional is key to distinguish grief from depression.

2. “You know it when you feel it.”

Unlike various diagnoses, there’s no typical way grief shows itself. Steps have been postulated, but really there’s no one thing that strikes you and says “hey! I’m grief!” Rather, it’s when overwhelming feelings that are hard to pinpoint, it’s the ”I feel like __ and I don’t know why”, that is often an indicator of grief.

3. “Keep it to yourself.”

As a topic of conversation, you might assume no one wants to hear about grief — it’s depressing, why would you want to bring others down? However, pushing others away and keeping your experience to yourself only perpetuates the idea that grief is taboo, something that shouldn’t be out in the open. People grieve differently and that’s okay, but if we never discuss our own experiences of grief, the distance between us will only widen during a time when the opposite is critical.

4. “It’s just about death”

This is a big one. Grief does not necessarily mean someone died. Though it’s usually associated with death, again: grief is the emotional experience to any type loss. Sure, the grief over losing your favorite tee shirt is not the same as the grief over losing, say, a childhood home, but it is a loss nonetheless. Because of the taboo nature of talking about grief, when we lose something that’s not so overtly horrendous, like the death of a person, we are further disenfranchised, alone in our experience, believing our feelings are somehow wrong and irrational. Grief means the loss of something meaningful and valuable, and that can be any number of things depending on your life circumstances — they are all valid.

5. “It’s linear, with a timeframe and an endpoint”

Everyone grieves differently. There are certainly emotions that accompany grief like sadness, anger, etc., but, really, there is no one way to grieve and there is no one correct way to deal with grief. When you lose something important, something that has shaped you, the impact will come up at different points in your life and for different reasons.

Once you experience a deeply painful, life-changing loss, it becomes a part of who you are — the tough part is learning how to be okay with that. The most healthy way to deal with grief is to understand it’s role in your life; to learn how to integrate it into who you now must be as a result of this loss, whatever that loss may be.

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Mindful Motoring: How Herbie the Love Bug Is Saving My Life

Owners Gabriel & Abi Nathan pose with Herbie, after finally finishing to apply the graphics that made him “come alive.”

If you work in the mental health field for long enough, eventually you’ll hear the word “mindfulness” so often that, one day, you’ll be sitting in a treatment team meeting or at a continuing education conference somewhere and someone will say it and you’ll just start vomiting uncontrollably and you’ll never stop.

But at least you’ll be doing so mindfully.

Mental health is no different than any other field — all professions latch onto abbreviations, tropes, or fads — we’re all very susceptible to buzz-words and trends. Mental Health First Aid is thing now. “Trauma-informed care” is another one.  Everything has to be “trauma-informed.” It’s not enough to do yoga with hospitalized psychiatric patients — it has to be “trauma-informed yoga.” The art on the walls has to be “trauma-sensitive.” So does the paint on those walls. And the plants in the corner.

If I sound cynical, it’s because I am. For five years, I worked in an inpatient psychiatric hospital and that, I suppose, will do a number on you if you’re not careful — and even if you are. When started, I was wide-eyed, innocent, and nice. A bright-eyed, warm-hearted, angelic colleague of mine, early on in my inpatient adventure, said to me in a quiet moment in the nurses’ station, “I’m so glad that you work here. You’re very good for this place.” I was touched by that comment, because I felt the same way about her. By the time I left, though, this woman no longer worked there, and I’m not sure that she would have said the same thing to me if she’d known me, five years in and about to make my own exit. In the words of another colleague, I had gone from “green, to brown, to black. And that’s okay,” he assured me, “you have to do that if you want to survive here.”

But I didn’t want to survive there; I wanted to get the hell out. Just like the patients.

I was burnt out, and I was angry that I was burnt out, which didn’t help. I was angry at myself because I had let things — like the same patients getting re-admitted constantly, getting assaulted, being around depressed colleagues, responding to frightening emergencies — get to me, when there were folks who had endured far worse and were still clocking in and out after twenty-five or thirty years. I allowed my inner-monologue to joyfully and constantly berate me.

You loser.

You phony.

You disgraceful coward.

That was in 2015. I foundered around in the darkness of depression, anxiety, sleeplessness and, probably, PTSD from the things I had seen and done and experienced at the psych hospital. I took a job at a theatre company in downtown Philly and resigned after three weeks. I handed my dazed supervisor the key to the theatre door on the sidewalk and apologized profusely. She hugged me. I took another job, and stayed for a year. I started to feel better, more confident. Then Trump got elected, and my wife’s mental health took a nosedive, too, along with a good portion of the country’s. I was mindful of what was going on around me and in my head and in my house. Despair and fear had settled in and had gotten comfortable on the couch next to the basset hound once again. I had to do something.

So I did what any stable, former mental health professional, father-of-two in his mid-thirties would do in that particular situation: I convinced my wife that it was the right time to buy a white, 1963 Volkswagen Beetle and turn it into Herbie: the Love Bug.

Surprisingly, my wife, who is typically fiscally conservative and hyper-rational, did not require any inordinate amount of cajoling or convincing to allow this momentous purchase to take place. She, too, was mindful of her emotional state and was ready to acknowledge that it was time for some joy to be injected into not only our lives, but the lives of random people in the neighborhood out walking their dogs or taking their children to school. It was time for their muddled and negative internal monologues to be interrupted by the roaring, rhythmic sounds of a 1600cc air-cooled engine approaching, time to turn their heads and see a black “53” in a white circle, some red, white, and blue stripes, and two innocent, round headlights coming down the street. Time to take a spin down Memory Lane, in Herbie.

There are lots of different kinds of smiles — there is a wry smile when your brain processes the punch-line of an off-color joke, there is a pure, Jesus-ray smile when you hear your baby laugh for the first time, there is a post-coital smile and a post-midterms smile. There is also Herbie Smile, and it’s unmistakable and, for me, it has a narcotic effect. The more of them I see, the more I want. When it’s beautiful out, I’ll take an hour and drive him up and down the main drag of this town or that town. If people give me a Herbie Smile, they get two quick toots of his endearing little horn; that’s the transaction, though it’s far from transactional. It’s more transcendent.

Herbie is good for people, and he is good for me. For my mental health. You can’t hide from people when you’re noodling around in The Love Bug, and why would you want to anyway? When I’m not driving Herbie, the part of me that wants desperately to be invisible dominates. My head is kept down. I avoid meeting people’s eyes. I stumble through routine social interactions and small-talk while sweat trickles down the center of my back. When I get behind that ivory-colored steering wheel and settle into that squishy, vinyl-covered driver’s seat, though, another part of me wins out. I don’t know if it’s a child part of me, or an exhibitionist part of me, an attention-seeking or impish part of me but, whatever it is, I can feel it in my chest and in my hands as I let down the parking brake, push down on the clutch, and gently move the gearshift lever up into First. Prepare for take-off. “Okay, Herb,” I saw, giving the steering wheel a pat, “let’s go to work.” The job of making merry. We take it very seriously.

Driving a 54-year-old movie star on wheels is a singular experience for many reasons, and there is so much that we miss, puttering around in our Subarus and Toyotas, and I try to be mindful of every single thought that passes through my mind when I’m in Herbie. I try to soak in and imprint ever Herbie Smile I see, every thumbs-up — the guy who bowed down on the sidewalk as he was about to get into his Mazda and his world just stopped when he saw us coming. Me and my little boy.

Around a month ago, a police officer from a neighboring town stopped Herbie and I as we were parking at a supermarket. I thought I had done something wrong, but he just wanted to talk about the car, about how happy it made him. We ended up talking in that parking lot for an hour, while his Chipotle lunch went cold and ignored on the passenger seat of his patrol car. We talked about parenting, about politics, about the perceptions of policing in America — about mental health, about PTSD, and trauma. He told me that he’d shot and killed someone last year who was trying to commit suicide-by-cop. He’d exited his patrol car, the guy was coming at him with a knife, and he killed him — the whole thing took fifteen seconds. Herbie and I listened as this officer talked — he talked and talked. He needed to talk. As he talked, I remembered some of the things I had tried to forget about the psych hospital. Patients trying to kill themselves on the unit. Patients attacking my friends — people I loved. Staff members screaming at each other over scandals created by borderline patients; experts at splitting and dividing and creating chaos. Tackles, restraints, injections, the floor — rolling around on the floor, trying to subdue, dodging blows or bites.

Everybody’s seen things and done things and said things in their lives that have caused pain. I’m mindful of that. And I’m mindful, too, of how, sometimes, in a small way, a small, round Volkswagen with a Hollywood pedigree can help you forget, can help you heal, can help you begin again.

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I Am Unsatisfied with My Life

From Australia: im working on my dreams on the side but all i want to do in the day is commit suicide. I hate working for no reason. just a waste of time. I am wasting time that i could be adventuring life and seeing the world but im stuck in a ugly office 8 hours a day. im doing different things each week and trying to get out of my comfort zone everyday. Everything feels so average. my workouts. my job is just boring as fuck. isnt changing your routine supposed to change how you feel? I just feel as though i cant shake this annoyance. Im trying to do everything before i die. i dont want to regret anything.

A. It sounds to me that the job is the problem. Instead of thinking about killing yourself, why not consider a significant job change? It might take time. It might take retooling. It might take some schooling. But setting a goal for a satisfying career and starting to work on it will be more helpful to your general emotional state than staying stuck and annoyed.

We spend at least a third of our life at work. That’s a lot of time to spend being bored and angry. Use your off-work time to start positioning yourself for a job that will let you be creative and see the world.

Yes, such jobs are out there. Meanwhile, use whatever vacation time you have to go somewhere, anywhere, that is different and adventuresome. Only you can make choices that will leave you free of regrets. If you can’t get yourself motivated to help yourself, please consider seeing a therapist to help you kickstart a new direction.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Am Unsatisfied with My Life

From Australia: im working on my dreams on the side but all i want to do in the day is commit suicide. I hate working for no reason. just a waste of time. I am wasting time that i could be adventuring life and seeing the world but im stuck in a ugly office 8 hours a day. im doing different things each week and trying to get out of my comfort zone everyday. Everything feels so average. my workouts. my job is just boring as fuck. isnt changing your routine supposed to change how you feel? I just feel as though i cant shake this annoyance. Im trying to do everything before i die. i dont want to regret anything.

A. It sounds to me that the job is the problem. Instead of thinking about killing yourself, why not consider a significant job change? It might take time. It might take retooling. It might take some schooling. But setting a goal for a satisfying career and starting to work on it will be more helpful to your general emotional state than staying stuck and annoyed.

We spend at least a third of our life at work. That’s a lot of time to spend being bored and angry. Use your off-work time to start positioning yourself for a job that will let you be creative and see the world.

Yes, such jobs are out there. Meanwhile, use whatever vacation time you have to go somewhere, anywhere, that is different and adventuresome. Only you can make choices that will leave you free of regrets. If you can’t get yourself motivated to help yourself, please consider seeing a therapist to help you kickstart a new direction.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What to Do When You Feel Lost After Divorce

Divorce is tough for many reasons. Not only are we dealing with the emotions and logistics and finances, but after the dust has settled, we may feel like our life’s plans have changed direction. The life you planned and your vision of the future may disappear, leaving you with a feeling of not knowing what to do or where to go from here.

But when you feel like this, don’t panic! There is merely one thing you must remember:

You May Feel Lost Because Your Internal GPS is No Longer Working

So many of us had our entire lives invested in our marriage and our families. It was the lens with which we viewed the world. Our concept of being a spouse and a partner was our GPS. Whatever decisions we made through our marriage — whether they were personal or professional — were seen within the context of, “Well, is it good for the marriage and is it good for the family?

When your marriage ends, that GPS and final destination are thrown out the window. But that doesn’t mean that you are destined to wander around in the dark.

We feel like we’re merely surviving and have not yet given ourselves the gift of dreaming again. We are so busy with dealing with the daily roller coaster of emotions and figuring out logistics and finances that we forget to do the one thing we must do.

Identifying that vision becomes our new final destination. And until we identify that vision for ourselves and then take the steps to get there, it is impossible to move forward.

You can go on auto-pilot and go through the daily motions of life, but it will be very hard to move on and reclaim the happiness you deserve unless you figure out your vision, and have a plan to get there. You must do this for yourself.

Need a little help? Here’s an exercise to start on getting rid of your roadblocks. Ask yourself the following questions.

What Do I Want?

If that question seems overwhelming, it doesn’t have to be! Some answers can be as simple as saying, “I want to be happy in my home,” or “I want to feel confident again.”

What is Stopping Me from Getting What I Want?

The things that are stopping us — the obstacles to our vision — are the daily BS things that we face and frustrate us. I want you to list those. Be honest and complete, but don’t spend too much time getting caught up in the obstacles. I know for me, those obstacles included the following:

What’s stopping me?

I am staying in the home although he has left, but I don’t know how to shake the feeling that he is still “here.” There are pictures of us together, some of his books are here, and I feel like everything just seems frozen in time.

What’s stopping me?

I didn’t feel great when we were having marital troubles, but now that I’m alone, I feel like my self-esteem is completely gone. I feel like I don’t have any purpose and it’s awful. How do I rebuild?

Once you have a few of those obstacles in mind, the fun part begins. You are going to learn how to kick those obstacles out of the way by coming up with an easy plan that erases them and gets you closer to your destination.

Start Overcoming Those Obstacles by Writing Down What You Plan to Do

You don’t need some crazy battle plan. It doesn’t need to be a PhD dissertation. All you need are some simple steps that you can start taking today. If you need some help, look at the quick plans I created for myself when I felt lost after my divorce.

Life After Divorce: An Obstacles-Be-Gone Plan

I am not feeling great about myself right now. There are several things I can do to change that. If I am not already seeing a therapist, or one that I really like, I will start searching and asking for recommendations to find someone who can work through this process with me.

I am also doing to do things for myself for a change. I am going to list things that I like to do – hobbies, physical activities — and will put them on a calendar so I remain accountable and committed to doing the things that I love. It’s time to put myself first.

The Road Ahead

Following this plan means you have done two awesome things for yourself. First, you now have something that sticks — something you can use to help boot out those silly roadblocks that are up in your face.

And second, you now know where you want to be. You have the vision of knowing what you want. You have identified your final destination. When you know your final destination and the steps to get there, nothing can stop you.

 

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On migration status and offspring autism severity

"Black women from East Africa had more than 3.5 times the odds of autism spectrum disorder with intellectual disability in their children than Caucasian nonimmigrant women."So said the study results reported by Jenny Fairthorn and colleagues [1] (open-access available here) providing yet more evidence for the need for much greater scrutiny as to why children of immigrant parents from East Africa are seemingly at higher risk of 'more severe' autism than other groups (see here and see here).Based on data from "Western Australian state registries" (yet again), researchers set about comparing autism prevalence with and without intellectual (learning) disability as a function of various variables: race (ethnicity), immigrant status and region of birth of mothers of children. The authors really drilled down into the details on immigrants according to their birth region in this study.Results: from a study sample of over 130,000 mothers, some 1000 had a child diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (ASD) together with intellectual disability (ID) and nearly 350 with a child with autism without ID. The figures equated to something like 0.7% of the total cohort with a child with autism and ID and 0.2% of the cohort with a child diagnosed with autism but not with ID. Authors also indicated that: "mothers of children with autism spectrum disorder with intellectual disability were more likely to be 40 years or more."Then to some important data: "After adjustment for demographic factors and compared to nonimmigrant women, immigrant women were less likely to have a child diagnosed with either autism spectrum disorder with intellectual disability or autism spectrum disorder without intellectual disability." This finding covered various geographic locations from which migrant mums came together with their race/ethnicity. That is however, aside from mothers from East Africa, and that "three-fold higher odds of having a child identified with autism spectrum disorder with intellectual disability." Authors added that "all autism spectrum disorder diagnoses in the children of Black mothers were of autism spectrum disorder with intellectual disability" and that all cases "were from mothers born in East Africa, with four born in Ethiopia and one each from Eritrea, Kenya, and Somalia."The authors acknowledge that their categorisations based on race/ethnicity and migration status led to some quite small group numbers being analysed (including not including any participants from other parts of Africa outside of East Africa). They also drew attention to the fact that their participant group of children with autism but without ID was quite a bit smaller than would be typically expected in comparison to the group with autism and ID (see here).But the results do paint an interesting picture and particularly with regards to those from East Africa, where they are in line with what has been previously discussed in the peer-reviewed and lay literature. The question of 'why' is probably going to be a complicated one as the authors suggested that "at least some of this difference could be the result of various factors leading to higher ascertainment of autism spectrum disorder in this group of children." They also qualify that statement by saying that they "cannot rule out the possibility of some biological risk factor, such as nutrition or stress" being involved which opens up a role for variables such as vitamin D exposure for example (see here).Personally, I think there are a few additional research directions that might need to be considered, primary among them is to have a little more detail on what autism prevalence might specifically look like in various areas of East Africa and Africa in general. I know this is a bit of a difficult ask in places where resources are really quite scarce, cultures are different (see here) and practical efforts for population screening are hindered by politics and the like. Until however we have such data, alongside some other important social and biological information, science doesn't have any 'baseline' measures on which to compare and contrast when it comes to families emigrating from such places and the possible reasons/changes that could be involved in this process and pertinent to offspring autism risk.----------[1] Fairthorne J. et al. Maternal Race-Ethnicity, Immigrant Status, Country of Birth, and the Odds of a Child With Autism. Child Neurol Open. 2017 Jan 12;4:2329048X16688125.----------Fairthorne J, de Klerk N, Leonard HM, Schieve LA, & Yeargin-Allsopp M (2017). Maternal Race-Ethnicity, Immigrant Status, Country of Birth, and the Odds of a Child With Autism. Child neurology open, 4 PMID: 28503625...

Fairthorne J, de Klerk N, Leonard HM, Schieve LA, & Yeargin-Allsopp M. (2017) Maternal Race-Ethnicity, Immigrant Status, Country of Birth, and the Odds of a Child With Autism. Child neurology open. PMID: 28503625  

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Listener evaluations of new and old Italian violins

From Fritz et al.:

Old Italian violins are routinely credited with playing qualities supposedly unobtainable in new instruments. These qualities include the ability to project their sound more effectively in a concert hall—despite seeming relatively quiet under the ear of the player—compared with new violins. Although researchers have long tried to explain the “mystery” of Stradivari’s sound, it is only recently that studies have addressed the fundamental assumption of tonal superiority. Results from two studies show that, under blind conditions, experienced violinists tend to prefer playing new violins over Old Italians. Moreover, they are unable to tell new from old at better than chance levels. This study explores the relative merits of Stradivari and new violins from the perspective of listeners in a hall. Projection and preference are taken as the two broadest criteria by which listeners might meaningfully compare violins. Which violins are heard better, and which are preferred? In two separate experiments, three new violins were compared with three by Stradivari. Projection was tested both with and without orchestral accompaniment. Projection and preference were judged simultaneously by dividing listeners into two groups. Results are unambiguous. The new violins projected better than the Stradivaris whether tested with orchestra or without, the new violins were generally preferred by the listeners, and the listeners could not reliably distinguish new from old. The single best-projecting violin was considered the loudest under the ear by players, and on average, violins that were quieter under the ear were found to project less well.

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The Ethics of Armchair Diagnosis

When you resort to name calling, you’ve lost the argument. When you resort to diagnosing, they’ve lost credibility. Is it any wonder why non-mental health professionals are diagnosing people out of anger?  

Some people diagnose because of a disagreement. How many times have we heard a friend relay stories about his “bipolar” girlfriend after they have ended the relationship? Or what about a frustrated mother who is fed up with her son’s “ADD” when he refuses to do homework? When someone does the opposite of what we want them to, it is tempting to label the behavior as a scientific defect. When the problem person has been labeled with a disorder, the blame is completely within their body. We, are off the hook.

Psychiatric disorders, unlike physical conditions, are not easily measured. A heart condition can be examined through an EKG test. A histrionic personality disorder is measured by a series of behavioral patterns. The reasons for behavior however, are not always taken into consideration.

If a patient is crying, talks about suicide often, and uses physical appearance to draw attention to herself, her behavior could be considered abnormal and labeled histrionic.

If this same patient is being used for sex trafficking purposes, her behavior could be completely reasonable considering the situation.  If the patient is taken out of this situation, her behavior may very well return to normal.

Depending on the experience of the professional, this patient may or may not be labeled as having a personality disorder.

To diagnose someone with a psychiatric condition, professionals in the field often use what is known as the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual. The DSM is owned, sold and licensed by the American Psychiatric Association. Gary Greenberg, a contributor to The New Yorker, The New York Times, and Mother Jones, suggests that disorders come into the DSM in the same way that a law becomes part of the book of statutes. The disorder is suggested, discussed, and voted upon. There is little if any scientific evidence involved in diagnosis.

Armchair diagnosis is a term used when professionals or non professionals diagnose someone they have never treated. The latest and most popular example of this phenomenon involves Donald Trump’s mental health. A guideline (based off presidential candidate, Barry Goldwater who was misrepresented as “unfit”) named The Goldwater Rule, restrains any psychiatrist from giving an opinion about public figures they have not personally examined. Even if the public figure meets many of the diagnostic criteria for the diagnosis, the public figure can not be diagnosed from afar despite how strongly a professional may feel. Because there is no scientific test for a psychiatric disorder, the risk for error is too great to be considered ethical.

Regardless of libel, hurt ego, and possible mistreatment, the popularity of diagnosing non-patients can normalize sickness.

What kind of normal behavior can “cross the line” into a mental disorder? Many people want their possessions clean or in a certain spot. They may wash dishes right after they eat or become upset upon finding dirty socks on the living room rug. If this is what many people consider obsessive compulsive disorder, does the seriousness of this disorder ever gain recognition? Furthermore, does this mean everyone who has a propensity for precise order should be treated with OCD medication?

Similarly, a diagnosis of Attention Deficit Disorder has been on the rise for years. Children who are considered ‘wild’ or have an exaggerated sense of energy are often times examined for ADD. Sometimes the diagnosis is made as early as 3 years of age. If parents are unaware that their child may have ADD, teachers can request the parent have their child examined. ADD, unlike many other types of psychiatric disorders, is primarily treated with stimulant medication. While the medicine can greatly improve school performance and certain types of behavioral problems the child may exhibit, not all hyperactive children need or react well to ADD medication. In some cases, the medicine may become addictive not only to those that don’t need it, but for those that do. If there is a risk in treatment for ADD children, over-diagnosis may be a dangerous method of understanding common symptoms that one may or may not find within the actual disorder.

Gary Greenberg hints that the DSM is made up of primarily words instead of medical science. If words are the common denominator, what do we want those words to mean? Do we hurl them as insults or do we use them to treat people who are in actual need of help? It’s a conversation worth having.

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Am I Going Schizophrenic?

I had an anxiety attack and in the midst of it I thought I was losing control and was gonna have a heart attack. I thought I just needed to leave school for a minute and take a break. I told a parent about it and they told me that my stress was self inflicted and that I needed to fix my problems rather than run from them. They gave me a list of mental illnesses and reasons for why the illnesses may have happened. I read up on them and identified with them and saw that some people never heal from them and that petrified me into thinking it was no hope for me. That I would be that 1% I tried a self help program and it didn’t do much help because I was scared it was a scam because I couldn’t find any credible information about the program and because the guy who told me about it seems like a pathological liar. I was shook outta my mind realizing it didn’t work for me. A hospital psychiatrist and school therapist said I don’t have schizophrenia. I still have this fear even after hearing that. Ill explain the symptoms I recognize with: I went thru a phase where me and a friend were trying to unlock more than 10%of our brain and thought we could flow our energy in our body by thinking about it. After finding out what a delusion was I quickly realized I shouldn’t even keep trying this.I also believed in 1 too many conspiracy theories and thought that the gov. harmed people that were trying to do positive. I had a really positive idea that could help the world and fear they may come after me for working on it. I quickly dropped that idea too. Now when Im reading tweets I read them a little too quickly and my brain changes words around. This only happens with tweets and when Im stressing about going schizophrenic (almost 24/7now) Ive started having nightmares about my worst fears Anytime I get scared I think ima paranoid schizophrenic now. I’m always scared my thoughts will turn into delusions I fear any low noise that might mean Im hearing something None of this has gone on for more than 6months. Am I losing it? PS I smoked a lot of marijuana prior to the anxiety attack

A. The nature of anxiety is to excessively worry. Anecdotally it seems that many people with anxiety disorders worry about getting schizophrenia. In fact, it’s one of the most common questions that I receive.

A related common question that I receive involves using marijuana and subsequently developing psychiatric symptoms. Some studies suggest that smoking marijuana increases the risk for psychosis and for that reason it’s a dangerous drug to use.

Psychosis involves a break with reality. People with schizophrenia have psychotic episodes but not everyone who experiences psychosis has schizophrenia. Some people have one psychotic episode and never have another. Usually those cases involve drug abuse or a physical condition.

The bottom line is this: people who use drugs, including marijuana, have an increased risk of psychosis when compared to people who do not use drugs. It is best to avoid drugs if you want to preserve your mental health.

You stated that a hospital psychiatrist and a school therapist said that you don’t have schizophrenia. That should give you some peace of mind. If the experts don’t believe you have it (the people who are trained to know), then you should believe the experts. If you continue to worry, you might try seeking a second or a third opinion.

Finally, if you have an anxiety disorder, you should seek treatment. Once your anxiety is under control, these fears might dissipate. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How to Tap into Your Capabilities

“You are capable of so much more than we usually dare to imagine.” – Sharon Salzberg

How many times do you think about doing something and then immediately discard the idea because you think you’re not capable? It’s amazing how often people sell themselves short. Just because you haven’t done something doesn’t mean you don’t have the ability or capability to do an excellent job. Perhaps some of this reluctance is rooted in fear — principally, the fear of failure. We don’t want to stumble and not complete the job or task. We want to be successful. Anything less is not acceptable. How do you tap into your capabilities? Here are some suggestions.

Open your horizons.

What we often don’t take into consideration, however, is that by denying ourselves the opportunity to show that we are capable, we further limit our horizons. Suddenly, the world is a much more confined space and we may fall into the mistaken belief that we don’t deserve to branch out and learn new things. The solution to this is to strike that barrier that seemed so impenetrable and overwhelming. Live life with no limits and see how opportunities begin to reveal themselves.

Learn from your mistakes.

Another self-limiting behavior is our avoidance of learning from our mistakes. Since everybody makes them, there must be something good that can come from the experience. Experts say that this entails analyzing what we did to find the element of wisdom in the actions we took or did not take. It’s from this that we profit from the undertaking. In fact, there’s something to learn from everything we do and we learn by doing — whether it was successful at first, only partially successful, or not successful at all.

Seek encouragement from others.

Once the damper of self-limitation is in place, it can be incredibly hard to lift it. The support and encouragement of loved ones, family members, friends and co-workers or concerned others is an instrumental part of overcoming this self-imposed barrier. Besides, others may more quickly see talents and gifts you possess that aren’t clear to you. When you accept, and receive their encouragement, you’re more inclined to be motivated to discovery and self-growth.

Challenge outmoded beliefs.

But we also must be willing to challenge our outmoded and erroneous beliefs to stimulate our willingness to tackle the unknown. This includes going after that which we deem desirable, interesting, and worthwhile or simply to satisfy our curiosity.

Actively pursue new activities.

Maybe one way to approach cultivating our capabilities is to pursue those activities and endeavors that deliberately expose us to something unfamiliar. When we’re so used to doing the same thing day in and day out, not only can life become boring, but we also tend to become lazy. Instead of seeking anything new and different, we remain comfortable just doing our normal routine. The downside of this is that it doesn’t stimulate or motivate. It’s pure stagnation. No wonder it’s hard to discover more of what we’re capable of.

Learn one new thing every day.

Make it a point to pursue at least one new thing every day. This can be as simple as deciding to take a different route to work or talk to someone you don’t know or investigate some area of interest to see how you can get involved. Some of this is preparation and some involves a little legwork, but it all constitutes an approach that can open your eyes to possibilities and further galvanize your motivation to developing your innate capabilities.

Work on building your self-esteem.

While building self-esteem takes time and does involve navigating some detours and overcoming roadblocks, the effort you exert will pay off in the long run. Every small success or project completed adds to your self-confidence level and works to elevate your self-esteem. You must feel good about yourself to grow. It’s also important to never allow anyone else to tear you down. Refuse to internalize their criticisms, although do take to heart any valid advice, even if it goes contrary to what you currently think. You may have a blind spot when it comes to certain aspects of your behavior. Think of this as another learning experience, an opportunity to further grow.

Recognize that you have untapped potential.

Far too many people either fail to believe in or refuse to recognize their capabilities. Instead, they look at their potential as a finite resource. Besides limiting themselves in an unhealthy manner, such misguided thinking detracts from the joy of everyday living and overall well-being. The truth is that you have so much more in you than you even know — or ever believed possible. Start recognizing that you have a wealth of untapped potential. Now’s the time to dip into that, be inspired and pursue your dreams.

 

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Two Personal Qualities More Vital To Success Than IQ That Most People Don’t Know

Here are two trainable personal qualities which predict success four times more than intelligence.

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How OCPDs Escape Responsibility

People with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) can seem to be overly responsible at first. But given time, their ability to escape responsibility becomes clear. After all, everyone has the same amount of time in a given day and while OCPDs seem to be more productive when compared to others, in reality they are less.

This is primarily because their obsessive traits, thoughts, and behaviors consume large amounts of time and energy. Their never ending desire to be right in every instance and all circumstance is exhausting and draining. This perfectionistic trait frequently alienates them from loved ones who can’t live up to the demands of their fastidiousness.

So to minimize the damage, they become escape artists. People with OCPD will gladly be responsible for the things they can be viewed as an expert. However, when others place responsibility on them, they view this as controlling. This violates one of their personal mantras: no one will have power over them. So they escape. How?

1. Pester/Blame. The conversation usually begins by annoying the other person endeavoring to hold them accountable. This puts the other person off balance and on the defensive. Once a subordinate position has been established, the OCPD person blames the other person for the situation they are in claiming it is the other person’s fault.
2. Prosecute/Project. To circumvent any accountability, the OCPD person preempts attacks by prosecuting the other person with detailed lists of their previous failures. Their accounts are usually accurate but lack any admittance of their own personal failure. In a final blow, the OCPD person projects things they are answerable for onto the other person.
3. Argue/Exhaust. This is the simplest tactic with great immediate results. When confronted, the OCPD person picks one small detail and argues it to the umpteenth degree. If the other person argues back, they pick another tiny point and persistently wear down their opponent. Exhausted, frustrated, and annoyed, the other person gives up holding them liable.
4. Refuse/Rewrite. One way of avoiding responsibility is to refuse to accept an assignment, even if it is a task only they can complete such as driver’s license renewal. Then the argument becomes, “I couldn’t do it because you refused to help me.” This self-victimization is designed to rewrite history by making the other person accountable for their task. This tactic often leaves the other person questioning themselves and their memory.
5. Divert/Attack. This method begins with an outburst over something very insignificant. Then, the OCPD person exaggerates the point to incite the other person. This diverts attention away from what really is happening so an attack can be made when the other person is feeling vulnerable.
6. Anxiety/Circumvent. People with OCPD live in a constant state of anxiety and frequently entice others to their level to justify their poor reactions. But there is another reason for this behavior, it is to circumvent responsibility. When the other person becomes equally anxious, they settle down and claim that the other person’s anxiety is due to their lack of effort. Thus, the task is dodged and the other person is held accountable.
7. Rescue/Obligate. First the OCPD person rescues the other person from a dreadful situation. In exchange, loyalty is demanded. But there is another hidden objective to the rescue efforts. The OCPD person expects that at any given time, the other person will take on the OCPD’s tasks without question. When it is done, it is never enough to satisfy the rescue debt. When the task is not done, the OCPD person accuses the other person of being ungrateful and builds resentment.

Understanding these seven tactics allow a person to escape the traps of dumped responsibility. Regardless of a person’s mental status, everyone is responsible for their own actions. This fundamental truth is frequently avoided in those with personality disorders.

Christine Hammond is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a National Certified Counselor who lives in Orlando and is the award-winning author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook.

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How Parents Turn Their Children Into Criminal Psychopaths

The criminal psychopath is not just born: he is also made.

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How to Calm Our Anxious Selves

When I was over at a friend’s house recently, I was fascinated watching their six month old kitten playing with a toy mouse. This kitten had never been outdoors, had never been taught to hunt, and had never been exposed to a mouse. Yet she was a trained hunter: she knew instinctively how to sneak up on this stuffed mouse, how to stalk it, snatch it, and grab it in her mouth. This behavior was hard-wired into her genes.

We are hardwired too. We have a flight or flight response as part of our evolutionary inheritance that allows us to escape life threatening predators and danger. This was particularly useful for survival back in ancient times in the caves and on the savannah. The problem is, it has become an overly sensitive false alarm much of the time in modern day life. It is like the smoke alarm that goes off every time you burn a piece of toast — and imagine that you do a lot of toast burning! I was reflecting on this last night as I awoke in the middle of the night, and noticed anxiety sneaking in as my mind began to generate all kinds of worries, threats, and fears — many of which were exaggerated, unfounded, or future based projections.

How do we quell our anxious minds? What do we do when the smoke alarm is going off over that piece of burnt toast, or traffic jam, or new social situation you are going into, or the presentation you have to give at work, or in the middle of the night when your mind wants to come up with every possible worst-case scenario of things that could go wrong? 

1. We can learn to notice our brain’s tendency to over-perceive “threat” in many situations, and our tendency to ruminate, jump to future forecasting of doom and gloom, and often experience distorted and irrational thoughts as absolute truths.   Being able to observe this tendency of our minds, and perhaps to do so with a bit of distance and even humor, can help us to not get swept away by our thinking.  The act of noticing, in and of itself, can help to bring other parts of our brain on-line that can see a bigger and more rational picture.
2. Another thing we can do is to learn to accept these uncomfortable emotions as sensations in our bodies and learn to ride the waves of these emotions, rather than desperately trying to get rid of them (which is often like trying to stop the waves at the ocean).  Ironically, the more we can accept what is happening in our bodies without freaking out or reacting in unhelpful ways, the easier it becomes to navigate our anxiety.  For the many patients I have worked with who have experienced panic, for example, when they learn to accept that this is an evolutionary false alarm that will pass, and that it doesn’t mean that they have to avoid situations just because they are experiencing anxiety, they do very well.  As much as I love public speaking, I often feel my heart pounding out of my chest for the first few minutes of a presentation.  I have come to accept this, and don’t make a big deal of it or need it to be different for me to continue doing what I love to do.
3. We can learn to befriend these difficult emotions. They are not our enemy, anymore than the smoke detectors in our homes. We probably wouldn’t yell at the smoke detector for going off if the toast was burning, and we certainly wouldn’t try to get rid of it; we would likely open some windows to let the smoke diffuse and appreciate that the alarm was working, in case we ever truly needed it. When we bring compassion to this more primitive part of ourselves and even appreciate that it is there for a good reason, we can help to metaphorically put an arm around our anxious parts and provide some soothing and comfort to ourselves. Life has its challenges, and it is a lot easier to navigate these challenges when we are our own ally. Doing so often allows some of these anxious parts to ease, and helps us to choose how best to respond. Sometimes, our best response might simply be to continue sending compassion to ourselves, or to seek other forms of self-care.
4. We can step back and take wise action toward any aspect of our anxiety that might be rooted in some rationality. We can try to separate out what choices we have in THIS moment, and focus our energy on those efforts, rather than focusing on imagined outcomes that may never come to be, that leave us feeling helpless. If I feel an unusual lump in my body, I can make an appointment with the doctor immediately. If I see an injustice happening in the community or world around me, I can take steps within my control to take a stand and become involved. If there have been two burglaries in the neighborhood I can make sure that I have a security system for my home. Then go back and repeat the above steps.

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Asking Out Problem

I want to ask out the girl I like. We know each other for 10 years now. We are aquaintances not friends. I developed crush on her.I think she also likes me ( I’m pretty sure). I want to ask her out(coffee) in person but I rarely see her although she lives near me.

We are friends on facebook. Sometimes I send her funny jokes or pictures to make her laugh and to stay in contact. I think she is very traditional girl. I don’t want to ask her out over facebook because it is like I’m hiding behind computer. I don?t have her phone number. Also facebook is very informal with much information and my message can look like one more information.

When you ask out someone in person you can see reactions, other person can  hear your voice, appreciates your courage and you have best shot. I asked one girl over facebook, and it didn’t go well.

I had chance 2 or 3 times when I saw her and she was alone but I didn’t take it so it would be stupid that i ask her over instant message now.

We are not in the same social circles ( we were before )although we have common acquaintances. I know that on facebook you can see where person is going like to some events ( one time I came but she didn’t show up )but I don’t want to stalk someone. It should be spontaneous. If I wait till I see her again she could find a boyfriend. (From Slovakia)

A:  I understand the dilemma and think it would be good to send her a private message on Facebook that only she will see. Give her your email or phone number, and tell her you would like her to connect with you so you can talk. This way you are not asking her for information and she can reply to your request if she wants.

You could also just explain in a private message that you are going to be at a particular coffee shop at a particular time and if she is around you would like to see her. This gives her a chance to respond — and you don’t have to put yourself in the position of asking for a date. You are going to the coffee shop anyway and you are asking her to join you.

But, either way, let her know you are interested in connecting with her.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Screening Tests Don’t Diagnose People

A recent article over at NPR’s health blog, Shots, cautions that attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) can’t be diagnosed with a simple screening test. Of course it can’t.

The question I have to ask then is, who ever said any mental illness or mental health condition could be diagnosed by a screening measure alone?

The article, by Rebecca Hersher, seems to reflect a fundamental misunderstanding about the purpose of screening measures, such as the one published by the World Health Organization to screen for ADHD:

Which is why many people were excited when earlier this year a World Health Organization advisory group endorsed a six-question screening test that a study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association reported could reliably identify adults with ADHD.

And rather than argue the scientific data from the study (that showed that in a study of 637 adults, a new 6 item screening quiz could reliably identify those who might quality for a formal ADHD diagnosis) the author seems to sidetrack into a completely different, unasked question. That is, whether screening measures alone should be the basis for a person’s mental health diagnosis.

I don’t know of a single professional who would answer “yes” to such a question.

The Purpose of Screening Measures

Let’s take a quick dip into better understanding the purpose of screening measures. “Screening” generally means helping a non-mental health professional (like an ordinary person or a physician) understand whether a person appears to meet the minimum symptom criteria for a given disorder. I know of no screening measures that claim they actually diagnose disorders or conditions. Screening measures are meant simply to let a person know, “Hey, this appears to be a concern for you — you should seek out further professional mental health advice and help if you want an actual diagnosis.”

Screening measures are generally designed on purpose to err on the side of an abundance of caution when it comes to helping people who take them. Wouldn’t you rather be told by a screening measure that if you have symptoms that are consistent with ADHD, you should go get it checked out by a professional? That’s all screening measures do in most parts of the world.

However, some parts of the world — typically those targeted by the World Health Organization — are poor and have very limited access to healthcare. Screening measures help these under-served countries conduct population-based preventative care. If someone is at risk for ADHD, for instance, they can be given strategies for helping their symptoms before it has the change to become a full-blown disorder. Teachers and parents can pay special attention to their needs; accommodations may be made for them at work.

Arguing Against Information

When screening measures are misused — such as suggesting they can substitute for a professional diagnosis — that is a problem. However, most ethical physicians or mental health professionals would never rely solely on a screening measure as the basis of a diagnosis. That’s why mental health professionals, like psychologists and psychiatrists, have years of experience and practice with diagnosis. They know the subtleties and art of diagnosis.

Ironically, those who berate screening measures seem to be suggesting that people can’t be trusted with the information such measures provide. It’s that old medical paternalism once again rearing its ugly head. “We can’t let ordinary people take diagnostic screening measures, they’ll mistake the advice for a diagnosis!”

So what if they do? They, like most people, would then be empowered to engage in self-help treatments to alleviate their symptoms on their own. And if they wanted or needed more treatment, professional treatment? The formal disorder would still have to be diagnosed by a mental health professional or physician. And believe me, no professional takes the results of a screening measure as the final word on a diagnosis.

To me, these kinds of articles seem like they were built as a straw man argument. Nobody seriously believes a screening measure is a substitute for a diagnosis. Yet the article portrays that perspective as a legitimate concern — yet not one not supported by any scientific data.

Yes, formal diagnosis of a mental disorder can be complex, nuanced, and sometimes difficult. That’s why people should always go right to a mental health professional — not their primary physician — for a consultation if they have any concerns about their mental health.

 

Read the original article: Adult ADHD Can’t Be Diagnosed With A Simple Screening Test, Doctors Warn

Take the WHO’s 6-question Quick Adult ADHD Screening Test or our longer ADHD screening test.

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The Only Constant Is Change

Years ago, when I was going through some difficult times, a friend told me, “Just remember. Nothing ever stays the same. This too shall pass.” Her words truly helped me as I had been feeling as if “this was it.” My guess is a lot of people feel this way when they are experiencing trauma — they just assume they will always feel the way they are currently feeling. While we all, on some level, know that change is inevitable, somehow it’s a concept that’s often easy to forget. Indeed, those who are suffering greatly and contemplating suicide typically feel as if nothing can or will ever change for them. They have lost hope.

My friend’s thoughts were not original of course. Heraclitus, a Greek philosopher, has been quoted as saying “change is the only constant in life.”

I think many of us have a love-hate relationship with change. I know I do. Certainly when things are going poorly for us, we can take solace in the fact that, no matter what, things are not going to stay the same. They might get better, or they might get worse, but they are going to be different. It’s important to note that this will happen whether we proactively try to change our situation or not.

Conversely, when life is going great for us, we “want things to stay this way forever.” Let’s keep everything the same, and these happy times will continue indefinitely. Unfortunately, that’s not the way life works. Again, whether we actively try to keep things as they are or not, change is going to happen.

If change is unavoidable, what’s the point of even talking about it? Well, we are all not only affected by change, we are affected by how we feel about change. Do we embrace it? Fear it? Resist it? Avoid it as much as possible?

Obviously, how we feel about change often depends on the situation, as alluded to above. In our day-to-day lives, however, a healthy attitude toward the idea of change is important if we want to live our lives to the fullest. We all need to follow our hearts and live our lives according to our values. If fear of change is hindering us from doing this, we can work hard to change our way of thinking.

One way we can develop a more positive outlook on change is through mindfulness. Simply put, mindfulness is the act of focusing on the present moment in a nonjudgmental way. It involves noticing and accepting what is. This awareness can apply to our minds as well. We can pay attention to the choices we make (or do not make) and how they bring about change.

With change comes the unknown, and uncertainty can be difficult to accept for some people. Change often involves risks as well, and for those who are not natural risk-takers, this fact might add to the challenge of embracing change. We can use mindfulness when facing these challenges, and work toward a better relationship with change.

Life is all about choices. If you find you are not living the life you want for yourself because you are having trouble accepting and making changes, please consider therapy to help you move forward. And since we are talking about change it is interesting to note that our brains can actually change as well. Neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to change and adapt through the creation of new neural connections.

Perhaps the best thing we can all do is to live our lives in line with our values, and not be afraid to embrace change to achieve our goals. If we do this, we not only have the potential to affect change in our personal lives, but in the lives of others as well.

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I Can’t Stop Eating Cookies

From the U.S.: For the last month I make and go through a batch of cookies in a minimum of one day. Most of the time I eat nothing else. I’ve gained at least 15lbs. I can’t stop. I have complex PTSD, ADHD, GAD and Depression. The tests I have taken on this site say I don’t have an eating disorder. I need to find out what this is. I am desperate for help with this!

A: The quizzes on this site are for educational purposes only. They are not intended to take the place of a professional diagnosis.

I don’t know if you have an eating disorder but you certainly have disordered eating. You are correct to be concerned, especially since it is new behavior.

I would go at this in two ways:
First, since you have all those diagnoses, I’m assuming that you have already seen a mental health professional who made them. If you haven’t already, go back to that clinician to talk about your compulsive eating and non-eating.

Second: Please see your medical doctor for an evaluation as well. At 63, your body may be changing. Not all unusual behavior is in someone’s head. Your fluctuations in appetite may be a way that your physical self is trying to tell you something.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Best of Our Blogs: May 30, 2017

One of the most difficult things about illness, either physical or mental, is how much of an impact it can have on one’s life.

On rough days, it’s easy to fantasize about life free without the burdens that come with it. How nice it would be to go about your day with a sense of ease.

I know it’s hard to be you sometimes. It’s difficult to maneuver the world when your anxiety or disease prevents you from being your best self.

It may seem like what you’re struggling with is the hardest thing in the world. You may feel alone in dealing with your anger, your messy household, your narcissistic parent, and even abuse. But there is hope in all of our stories. Just when you’re worn down, and fed up, you find solace, peace and healing around the corner.

5 Ways Anger is Not Like Other Emotions
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – It’s the emotion that scares you most. But there are five special attributes of anger that can make you happier and healthier.

Speedy The Narcissist and the Green Pea Fiasco
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – It’s the reason why narcissist parents force their kids to do things they don’t want to do.

Recovering from an Abusive Narcissist
(The Exhausted Woman) – Being in a relationship with a narcissist can cause trauma as seen in this story of a woman who was married to an abusive narcissist for 25 years. But you’ll find hope in her recovery.

5 Tasks to Less Stress with Housework (in Less Than 40 Minutes a Day)
(Mommy Matters) – Are you feeling overwhelmed with your messy house? Try these simple tasks to feel more at peace.

Daddy Issues: How Daughters of Narcissistic Fathers Can Cope (Part 1)
(Recovering from a Narcissist) – This is for you if you’re a daughter of a narcissistic father. Here’s what you can do to heal.

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