Wednesday, 28 February 2018

Expert Tips for Overcoming Food Addiction

brain-savvy dieting

Here’s how to take that first small step.

Food addiction is real. And if you’re struggling with food addiction, know that you’re not alone — I’ve been there, too. In fact, the younger you are, the more likely it’s your struggle.

From my past experience as a compulsive overeater, I suspect that many food addictions act as pacifiers for pain, fears, and anxieties, and even as ways to celebrate emotional spikes that are positive. Food seems to act as a life enhancer, while offering the illusion of short-term emotional balance.

As a food addict, you’ve established neural pathways and automatic responses for coping with life’s situations. Think of these food-related responses as deep, behavioral ruts that have become roads to regrets.

Since there is no one best way to deal with long-standing, destructive habits, each individual must find their own natural rhythm and variety of viable action.

Psychologists and neuroscientists can find many valid reasons in an individual’s past and physiognomy for addictions and other issues involving food, such as binge eating, anorexia and bulimia.

Though valuable for understanding and making long-term progress, I’ve found that focusing on your own awareness, sensitivity, and behavioral choices can lead to more immediate, accessible actions.

10 Signs That Your “Food Issues” Are Out of Control

Although I’ve been overweight or obese at various times of my life, my self-confidence seems to have minimal connection to how much I actually weighed. Perhaps that was an example of denial, a typical response in addiction.

For example, when I look at early photos of myself, I see I was probably no more than 20 pounds overweight. This may seem like a lot to you, but it’s minor in comparison to my eventual weight gain, when I peaked at 205 pounds with a 5’4” frame.

At one time, I felt like I tried everything to break my food addiction. I tried psychoanalysis, Overeaters Anonymous, various diets, calorie counting, food logs, portion awareness, and weekly weight check ins.

I eventually came to realize that it was not the number of pounds, but rather the see-sawing focus on being fat and the sensual, very short-term pleasure of food that were my distractions from healthy choices and actions.

This showed in combined habits of thinking, feeling, and eating that contributed to staying fat … and becoming fatter. Ingrained habits affected my aesthetic and social choices, from choosing clothes to the types of relationships I chose.

Over a long time, I’ve created a better, healthier life for myself — and I’ve reached a more manageable and healthy weight. Now, looking back to learn, I am in a unique position to recognize why there was no direct relationship between how much I weighed and my level of confidence in the past.

While, sure, I felt and looked better at lower weights, I eventually realized that my acceptance and level of comfort with myself was more consistently tied to a variety of other factors — none of them weight-related.

These other factors that affected my sense of self-worth, included:

  • Accomplishing personal and professional goals for myself and contributing to others’ progress.
  • Improving relationships, including being with people who are stimulating and good-hearted.
  • Being creative, adventurous, and curious.
  • Enjoying daily life, including putting myself together well.
  • Making authentic choices in behavior, work, and other activities.

So, with time, I escaped the “When I’m thin, then …” thinking and made some progress with other important aspects of living a satisfying life.

While not an overnight shift in thinking, it ws actually a health trigger that finally motivated me to let go of using food as an escape: My cholesterol was increasing and I was beginning to be at risk of diabetes. A variety of medicines did not work, and I wanted to avoid their lifelong use as much as possible.

Then, in what seemed like a flash (but was really fear of increasing ill health), I decided to go vegan about four years ago.

As I started working with the vegan approach, I immediately saw two results: Tempting food was no longer available, and I had to become more conscious of food and purchasing choices.

Within about a month of making this change, my eating compulsion weakened.

As my palate changed, sweets became too cloying. My stomach shrunk to a size that could take in only normal amounts of food comfortably.

A few years ago, I decided I needed more protein and added fish, becoming a pescatarian. Slowly, and after consulting with my internist and nutritionist about my dietary cohices, I continued to lose weight. My body proportions improved even more.

This movement forward does not mean that I never over-indulge; I just do it infrequently, move on quickly, and avoid berating myself when it happens.

You Need to Kick Your Junk Food Habit

Now, with about 15 more pounds to lose eventually, my cholesterol and blood sugar numbers are out of the danger zone, and I enjoy wearing smaller sizes that have been waiting in the closet.

Based on my experience, observation, and study, I’ve become convinced that patience and persistence, as well as good, conscious choices, are key to moving beyond food addiction.

Since they are both within yourself, you have the power to improve your situation, but only over time. Though not a quick fix, hope lies in the choices you can — and will — make. The challenge is how to become ready to take the first small steps.

To make progress toward overcoming your food addiction, start where you know you have the most influence in your life — with yourself:

1. Be Honest with Yourself About What’s Holding You Back from Progress.

  • How do you see your body, and to what or to whom do you compare yourself? (By the way, the average U.S. women’s size is 14.)
  • What thoughts and emotions do you associate with food and eating?
  • What gets in the way of improving your eating and exercise habits?
  • What emotions are catalysts in unhealthy eating and drinking at the time you indulge, and what can you do to minimize their influence or work through them?

2. Identify Social or Environmental Pressures That Lead to Over-Eating.

  • What are the social pressures that influence your eating habits? This may include get-togethers and meetings involving food, where there is little choice about what to eat and drink.
  • What can you do to minimize the negative effects of these social pressures and norms? Consider eating something healthy beforehand, letting people know you want to eat in healthy ways and asking them to help you, or suggesting alternative activities, such as taking a walk, seeing an exhibit, or sitting and talking in a park.
  • What environments stimulate unhealthy eating and exercise tendencies? Examples include passive or sedentary situations, reading magazines that tout perfect bodies, food ads, and overly rigorous exercise models.

3. Make a Plan for Action.

  • Now that you’ve done some internal investigation, what’s one, manageable goal for improvement will you set for yourself? For example, walking briskly for 30 minutes a day twice a week, keeping a food diary, adding two helpings each of vegetables and fruits to daily meals, consulting with a nutritionist, or joining a support group.
  • Write down one action step that you will do within the next 24 hours. It doesn’t have to be a big or powerful change — any small step is a step in the right direction.
  • Next, write down one action step and schedule what you will do within the next week, and schedule time for it on your calendar.
  • Keep this pattern of daily and weekly actions going, adjusting it to your needs, preferences, and experiences. If you wish, review all of your responses to the above questions regularly to help you stay motivated and to identify what to continue and what to modify.
  • On your own, or with a partner or expert, develop a more long-term, practical plan with incentives and rewards that work well for you. Just make sure there’s enough wiggle room to allow for daily realities! A plan, no matter how well thought out, is only valuable, if it’s attainable, productive, and suited to your nature.

4. Keep Your Expectations Realistic.

  • Be kind to yourself during this challenge process, and avoid focusing on slips and self-criticism. Instead, pick yourself up and start again by setting modest, manageable goals.
  • Be alert to unhelpful patterns and people, and try to stop their influence in a timely way.
  • Acknowledge any progress you make with incentives and rewards you enjoy. Perhaps you’ll treat yourself to a massage or other sensual pleasure after a week of regular exercise, or take a weekend road trip with good company after a month of healthier eating.
  • Don’t be afraid to rely on others — be it friends, family or professionals — for help. Making change is hard, and it’s not always attainable without support and cheerleading.
  • Lastly, relish the present, and expand other aspects of your life that have meaning. Remember, you’re so much more than your food addiction.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: How To Start Overcoming Your Food Addiction (As Told By A Fellow Struggler).



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Am I Married or Not?

From the U.S.: My husband, an Iraq War Veteran, and I met in 1999 and married in 2002 (we are still legally married; not legally separated), long after his military tour had ended.

In early 2010 we were making plans to move out-of-state, a significant distance, with him moving first and me following two months or so later. After his initial move, he returned to pick up a second load of household items and our plan, at that time, was still in tact.

After he returned to the new house, suddenly, and without warning, he closed every avenue of our robust communication network. Poof.

There is so much more to explain about the time in between and up to the present. While communications have improved, still infrequent at best, he still refuses to offer an explanation as to why. Just “why?” If I ask his reply is, “I don’t want to talk about it” and usually said with a tinge of hostility and/or anger.

Less than a year ago he did provide a tidbit of information that touches on answering my question of why did you leave, however he does not elaborate. One day he said to me, “I never really believed you when you were having flashbacks and remembering horrible things from your childhood. I do now. Because I am”.

When I gather up all the tiny bits of information he shared with me during our marriage and add them to the even smaller pieces of information he has revealed the past 7+ years, things that I had been suspicious of – have been (sort of) confirmed. Since not long before he moved away, PTSD from the war caught up with him as well as memories of having been abused by someone – who was not only deeply respected by my husband, by outward appearances anyway, but his family too. (The abuser is not a family member.)

As much as I offer to help him, he declines. I honestly want this man in my life, not because I need him – because I love him. If he is hurting, I will do whatever I can to help him. I truly want us to somehow find our way back to each other. Short of packing up and moving my stuff to the same zip code he lives in, I have no idea what to do. Neither of us has filed for divorce, our bills and bank accounts are completely separate, we don’t own any property, etc. We essentially live completely separate lives. The only difference is, and this is only because he hasn’t said otherwise, I am still right here waiting for him. And I ain’t moving. (Unless he calls and tells me to. To where he is, of course.)

A: You asked if you are married. I guess that depends on your definition of “married”. In my opinion, you are married in name only. Usually people marry to have intimacy, companionship, mutual support, and someone to be a partner in managing the daily stuff of life. Your husband isn’t joining you in any of that and, from what you said, isn’t taking any initiative to move in that direction.

I’m completely in sympathy with someone who has a history of abusive experiences. But it is your husband’s choice whether he wants the past to dominate his life. It doesn’t have to. Unless and until he does his therapeutic work and the two of you get into committed, regular couple counseling, I see little hope that this situation will change.

Only you can decide whether to stay in this kind of “marriage” or to divorce and make yourself available for a loving relationship with someone who will want to be more of a partner to you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie



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A Counterintuitive Approach to Your Irritable Teen

Signs Your Boundaries Are Too Loose or Too RigidSome things about raising teens are counterintuitive. Like knowing that when they’re irritable or angry and you feel rejected, it may not work to tell them you feel hurt by how they’re treating you. And knowing that if you tell them you feel bad about a mistake you made that affected them, it may ruin the positive effect of taking responsibility.

Revealing vulnerable feelings can backfire in certain situations and bring on or exacerbate irritability and anger in teens. Such feedback is typically a good thing and serves to repair or deescalate conflict in relationships. Saying that you feel bad about how you affected the other person is often an essential part of an apology that works. And making people aware of the impact they’re having on you when they’re lost in their own reactions can allow them to see your humanity and “come to,” as well as help kids develop emotional intelligence when empathic skills are needed. But with certain teens and parents, it can be a different story.

Tyler, 17, was a good-hearted kid and well liked, especially by adults. Battling with anxiety and ADHD, Tyler was easily frustrated, overwhelmed, and susceptible to feeling like a failure. At home, he could be irritable and withdrawn — frequently overreacting when feeling exposed, mistrusted or challenged in any way. Though there was a strong love and mutual attachment between Tyler and his mom, he often seemed annoyed with her, which made her feel rejected. Keenly aware of his vulnerability to feel demoralized, and sensitive herself to Tyler’s reactions, his mom often tiptoed around difficult topics.

One day, when Tyler’s mom was dropping him off at the airport for a weekend trip, she was uncertain about where she could pull the car over. Sensing Tyler’s stress and impatience, she became flustered. Tyler responded to all of this with impatience and annoyance, “Turn on your brain, mom, it’s right over here.”

“That’s very mean and hurtful, Tyler.”

“OMG — you’re so sensitive — it’s pathetic!” Tyler shot back, escalating as he opened the car door to get out.

Understandably, Tyler’s mom felt mad and offended when her son reacted this way. In telling the story, she expressed some resentment over the unfairness of it, especially since Tyler would never react this way to his dad in the same situation. However, Tyler did not experience his dad as particularly breakable.  

Why did Tyler’s mom’s feelings trigger him?

Shame and difficulty with self-regulation

Emotionally tuned-in parents can empathize too much and over-identify with teens’ emotional distress — making it easy to take teens’ reactions personally and come across as fragile. This dynamic causes teens to feel too powerful — in a negative way.

At other times, they see themselves through their parent’s worried eyes and either feel put down and mad, or take it as confirmation of their own fragility. In this example, when Tyler experienced his mom as too sensitive, too close or too worried about him, he became more irritable and angry.

Tyler’s mom was empathically linked to her son’s vulnerability, resulting in a vicarious emotional connection between them. When there’s a permeable emotional boundary, or when parents seem vulnerable, awareness of parents’ feelings can have an additive effect and further overwhelm teens.

Here, Tyler’s mom’s sensitivity activated the feelings of shame and insecurity that Tyler struggled to disown and keep at bay. He was already aware that he was being hurtful and hated himself for that. When his mom brought her hurt into focus and Tyler couldn’t distance, he experienced himself as bad and out of control — further disrupting his already compromised ability to regulate himself.

But if he feels bad, why does Tyler act angrier?

Anger as a defense against shame

In the case of struggling teens, focusing on their hurtful impact on you reinforces shame along with the need to defend against it. People will go to great lengths to ward off the intolerable experience of shame — a feeling of badness about the essence of who you are that makes you want to disappear. Anger and blaming others is a common defense against shame. This unconscious strategy effectively banishes shame for the moment by projecting it onto someone else and exposing them as the bad one. So if the goal is to help adolescents take responsibility for their behavior and behave differently, parents will fail if they approach teens in a way that reinforces defensiveness and exacerbates the reason they acted out in the first place (emotional dysregulation, need for distance, shame).

If parents are not perceived as strong enough to hold their own in the face of teens’ negative mood without getting injured (or retaliating), teens can experience themselves as destructive – fueling both anger and shame. This dynamic makes it harder for teens to own their anger and progress beyond it, even in situations when their irritability is simply that they’re mad at their parent about something.

Then what should parents do when teens are irritable or disrespectful?

When irritability escalates into being explicitly disrespectful, the objective in the heat of the moment is “simply” to contain the escalation and not make things worse. Parents can do this by disengaging and setting a limit that’s brief and to the point. For example, “I’m not going to respond to that” or “I’m going to take a break from this conversation” (and exit the situation if possible).



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3 Challenges that Come Up in Therapy That Are Actually Beneficial

Challenges provide growth opportunities—if we’re willing to see them as such and to face them. This is especially true for therapy. Yet we tend to assume that in order to be helpful, therapy must be a smooth process, without any hiccups or bumps.

But it’s these very bumps, when handled in collaboration with a sensitive, skilled therapist, that can often lead to the biggest breakthroughs.

Below Manhattan psychotherapist Panthea Saidipour, LCSW, shared three challenges that are actually beneficial, challenges that help you better understand yourself and enhance not only the relationship with your therapist, but your relationships outside of therapy, as well.

Challenge: You’re worried your therapist will judge you.

You’re convinced that your therapist will think you’re weird for the dreams you’ve been having. They’ll think you’re selfish because you don’t want to homeschool your kids anymore. They’ll think your family is absolutely nuts, and wonder what’s wrong with you.

You picture yourself being the topic of their dinner conversation. You picture them talking about how weak you are. You envision them recounting all the dumb decisions you’ve made.

Worrying that your therapist will judge you is actually a super common concern, especially when you’re starting therapy, said Saidipour, who works with young professionals in their 20s and 30s who want to gain a deeper understanding of themselves. Therapy requires vulnerability, which understandably sparks anxiety—and all sorts of what-ifs: What if they think I’m a loser? What if they think I’m broken and there’s no way back?

Even though it can feel incredibly awkward, sharing your worries with your therapist is vital. In order to be effective, therapy requires honesty. It requires that you tell the truth, no matter how ugly or uncomfortable it might seem or feel.

When you share such worries with your therapist, often you realize that they’re actually a reflection of how a critical part of you thinks and feels about yourself, Saidipour said. Which, of course, is important information—and important to work through.

Sometimes, the fear of judgment shows up when you’ve been attending therapy for a while. Which might surprise you, because you have a great relationship with your therapist. According to Saidipour, this might mean that you’re close to discussing a difficult topic, a topic you’ve felt shame over. This is a good thing, too. “Understanding this can help you and your therapist become more aware of the significance of that issue in your life, and help guide you on how to proceed.”

Challenge: You’re mad at your therapist.

You feel like your therapist wasn’t listening to you. You think they brushed right over an issue that’s significant and distressing to you. Maybe they interrupted you. Maybe they seemed distracted. Maybe they said something that didn’t sit well with you. Maybe they asked a question that irritated you. And you find yourself getting mad at them. You also find yourself getting mad that you’re mad, because maybe you came to therapy to work on your anger—and clearly it’s not working.

Actually, this is normal and, when you talk about it together, presents another key opportunity.

It’s an opportunity to work on an interaction right away and strengthen your relationship with your therapist, Saidipour said. This is critical because regardless of the type of psychotherapy you’re in—cognitive-behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, psychodynamic therapy—therapy is about the relationship between you and your therapist, she said. “Research consistently shows that the quality of the therapist-client relationship is the main predictor of positive outcome of psychotherapy, regardless of what theoretical approach the therapist uses.” (See here and here for some research.)

“If [therapy] were just about learning skills, you’d read a self-help book. So many wounds happen in the context of a relationship, and they are also healed in relationships.”

Similarly, it’s an opportunity to uncover the relationship themes and patterns that exist outside of therapy for you: These themes might revolve around feeling disappointed or misunderstood by others, feeling isolated and disconnected from others, or feeling angry and critical of others, she said.

For instance, when your therapist responds with very little enthusiasm about your upcoming job interview, you feel deflated, and the all-too familiar wave of frustration washes over you. When you mention this to your therapist, you realize that you also feel hurt—and utterly rejected. Together you both trace these feelings back to a significant moment when you felt the same way.

“Having this conflict in therapy lets you work on it in real time, with someone who’s careful and sensitive to you, and gives you an opportunity to rework old relationship patterns in new ways.”

Challenge: You have nothing to talk about in session.

Maybe you came to therapy during a crisis. You were experiencing difficult, almost unmanageable emotions. Or you were going through a complex conflict, which shook the foundation of a close relationship. Or you were in the middle of major depression or daily panic attacks.

Now after doing the work, thankfully, things are in a healthier, more stable and settled place. And you find yourself with nothing to talk about in session.

According to Saidipour, particularly in psychodynamic or psychoanalytic therapy, where the intention is to gain a deeper understanding of yourself, this provides a prime opportunity to excavate.

In fact, some of the most “fruitful sessions” Saidipour has had with clients have begun with the words: “I have nothing to talk about.” She encourages clients to say whatever comes to mind—whether it feels relevant or not. “Following those thoughts [typically] naturally leads us into deeper work, what’s underneath the day-to-day occurrences. Often clients will end those same sessions surprised: ‘I had no idea that would come up!’”

In some cases, you don’t have anything to talk about, because you’re actually afraid to bring up a difficult topic. This fear may not even be a conscious one. Which is why doing deeper work in therapy is so powerful: You can unearth what’s outside your awareness.

“What seems like an issue can actually be an opportunity to understand yourself better,” Saidipour said. “The more you understand about your relationship to yourself and others, the freer you’ll be to move forward in your life.”



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Suffering from Shivers & Anxiety After Near-Death of My Best Friend

My best friend had a terrible car accident 4 months ago with serious brain damage and head injuries, all the doctors said he would not make it, they said they are only waiting for him to die or stay in coma, and that there is nothing left to do. At that time i was absolutely devastated and had a really hard time. He was in a coma for about a month, however after a few successful surgeries he started waking up, and against all odds he survived. Injuries he suffered were great, but now, after 4 months, he is slowly recovering, he learned how to walk again, he recognizes his family and me, his long-term memory is more or less ok. However, his short-term memory is pretty bad, and because of the accident he cant open his eyes, and it is not sure whether he will be able to see again in his life. We are best friends from college, I live in Slovakia, he lives in Czech republic, so we were able to see each other only when in school, but we were always together, whether in school or when we were going out to bars etc. He is recovering in Czech republic, I am currently living in Slovakia, so I cannot see him that often. The problem is, i thought i got use to the fact that he is no longer going to school with me and that I am not seeing him regularly. However, he likes to talk on the phone (of course he is confused some times), and whenever his family calls me and I talk to them and to him, I start to shiver, shake, suddenly I am feeling cold and it takes my body about half an hour to relax. This is nothing serious, but I thought I am over the anxiety of him being hurt or dying, he is recovering and with each day he is getting better. But just a few days ago, when his family called me (after nearly a month or so), I immediately started to shake and experience these feelings again. I would like to know what to do, or how to get over this anxiety, i want to be helpful to my friend, and not feel this weak whenever I talk to him. Thank you

A. Your anxiety associated with your injured friend does not make you weak. That line of thinking is problematic because it reinforces the all too common narrative that psychological distress is a sign of weakness, shame and embarrassment. To be shaken by the trauma of your friend makes you human and it shows that you care. Someone you deeply care about was severely injured in a serious accident. It was unexpected and proof that our lives can change in an instant. Psychologically, that realization can be difficult to manage.

Your symptoms may be indicative of secondary trauma. Secondary trauma involves an indirect exposure to trauma through hearing the first-hand account or narrative of a traumatic event. Simply hearing about the traumatic event can cause symptoms and reactions that are very similar to or even mimic posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Treatments for secondary trauma often involves sharing the story of what happened and talk therapy.

It would be helpful to learn more about compassion fatigue, vicarious trauma and self-care. Books on the subject can educate you about day-to-day activities that may help to relieve your stress. I would also recommend counseling for learning relaxation and other techniques to assist with your anxious reactions. Choose a therapist who specializes in trauma survivors. You may only need a few sessions to decrease your symptoms. Good luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle



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Why So Angry & Irritable? It Might Be Depression

When I talk to others about depression, most often they’ll mention the signs and symptoms so many of are familiar with: sadness, loneliness, isolation, a low mood, lack of energy, suicidal thoughts and feelings, and disrupted sleep and eating patterns. These are the common signs of depression that most people recognize.

What fewer people recognize are signs of depression when it manifests in an unusual (or hidden) way. Some people with depression become more irritable and angry with virtually every one and everything in their life. They have unaccountable mood swings, and find that nothing their co-workers, friends, family, children, or partner does is right.

What does anger and irritability have to do with depression?

Some professionals like to say, “Depression is anger turned inward.” But what happens when that anger is turned outward, even though the person wouldn’t ordinarily be angry at others? It’s likely that the interaction between depression and anger is far more complex than we realized.

It’s probably more helpful to think of depression not as an illness of mood alone, but rather as an impairment in the regulation of our emotions, as Besharat et al. (2013) note. They summarize the complex relationship between anger and depression at the start of their study:

Evidence has demonstrated a close relationship between anger and depression both in normal and patient populations. Depressed people exhibit more anger suppression than normal people. Evolutionary theories of depression suggest that aroused but arrested defenses of fight (arrested anger) and flight (feelings of entrapment) may be among the important components of depression.

However, it has been recognized that depressed people also experience more anger. Again, in the case of treatment, having some residual symptoms such as anger is related to poor therapeutic outcomes and more relapses in depressed people. Depressed people also [feel] more hostility than the normal population.

In short, many people with depression may be more likely to also experience issues with anger and irritability in ways that most people wouldn’t understand as a component of the person’s depression. How depression symptoms are experienced and experienced may also be due to additional factors, such as culture, environment, and upbringing (see, for example, Plowden et al., 2016).

Depression & Destructive Emotions

In order to better explain this complexity between depression and destructive emotions, researchers decided to explore the underlying relationship between anger and depression (Besharat et al., 2013). Researchers recruited 88 people with major depressive disorder to participate (68 women, 20 men) and administered a battery of tests designed to evaluate their depression, angry feelings, how well they could regulate their emotions, and how much they experienced ruminations about anger.1

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We know from other research that people who suffer from depression tend to be negatively biased in their information processing — how they see the world around them. People with depression are more sensitive to cues around them for sadness and dysphoria. When given the chance to interpret neutral, positive, or negative information, they tend to do so as negatively as possible.

After running their statistical analyses, the researchers discovered a few interesting findings. “Anger and depression are related through the mediating role of emotion regulation and anger rumination,” write the researchers. In plain English, this means that a person is more likely to express the angry or irritable signs in depression if they are someone who tends to ruminate on past angry situations, or if they have difficulty in tempering their emotions. Someone who is already quick to anger due to their temperament, culture, or upbringing, for instance, would also be more predisposed to express their depression through anger.

How Can Such Depression Be Treated?

Because this type of depression seems to be centered on two key components — emotion regulation and rumination — it also suggests some low-hanging fruit to target in treatment. Rumination itself seems to predict the likelihood of depression returning in a person, so that’s a very good area for a professional to help a person with in psychotherapy anyway.

Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy seems to be particularly helpful in reducing rumination and ruminative thoughts (Segal et al., 2002; Teasdale et al., 2000). Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy is best learned in psychotherapy one-on-one with a therapist who’s been trained in this type of intervention. However, there are also many helpful sites and books on the topic of mindfulness that could help a person get started.

Emotion regulation may also be helpful in reducing feelings of anger and irritability in depression. There are a number of core strategies in emotional regulation (Leahy et al., 2011):

  • Reframing or reappraising a situation — thinking about the emotion or situation causing it in a completely different way
  • Suppression — inhibiting the external expression of the emotion, but still experiencing it internally
  • Acceptance — accepting the emotion as you’re feeling it, but making a conscious and mindful decision to not act on that feeling

The key to understanding depression is to recognize that it is a complex disorder that may show itself differently in different people. Some depression may be hidden. It’s important to recognize that anger and irritability — especially if it’s a significant change from a person’s usual behavior — may be a sign of depression that needs attention and help.

 

References

Besharat, Mohammad Ali; Nia, Mahin Etemadi; Farahani, Hojatollah. (2013). Anger and major depressive disorder: The mediating role of emotion regulation and anger rumination. Asian Journal of Psychiatry, 6, 35-41.

Leahy, R.L., Tirch, D., & Napolitano, L.A. (2011). Emotion Regulation in Psychotherapy: A Practitioner’s Guide 1st Edition. The Guilford Press, New York.

Plowden, Keith O.; Adams, Linda Thompson; Wiley, Dana. (2016). Black and blue: Depression and African American men. Archives of Psychiatric Nursing, 30, 630-635.

Segal, Z.V., Williams, M., Teasdale, J.D., 2002. Mindfulness-based Cognitive Therapy for Depression: A New Approach to Preventing Relapse. Guildford Publications, New York.

Teasdale, J.D., Segal, Z.V., Williams, J.M.G., Ridgeway, V.A., Soulsby, J.M., Lau, M.A., 2000. Prevention of relapse/recurrence in major depression by mindfulnessbased cognitive therapy. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 68, 615–623.

Footnotes:

  1. Respectively, the measures used are the Beck Depression Inventory, the Multidimensional Anger Inventory, the Cognitive Emotion Regulation Questionnaire (CERQ), and the Anger Rumination Scale (ARS).


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2 Attachment Styles That Damage Relationships

Certain types of anxiety can cause massive ups and downs in relationships.

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A Simple Way To Recall More Proven By Eyewitness Experts

The method was more effective than 'free recall', where people remember whatever they can in any order they like.

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How Parents Turn Their Children Into Criminal Psychopaths

The criminal psychopath is not just born: he is also made.

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This Top Trait Is More Attractive Than Looks

The top trait women find attractive in men.

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The Activity That Protects The Brain From Stress

Prolonged stress weakens the synapses -- the connections between brain cells -- in the hippocampus.

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Social Rejection Has A Surprising Mental Advantage

Being rejected socially, can give you this outsider advantage.

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The Type of Intelligence Linked To Longer Marriage

Men with newer and more expensive cars were also more likely to remain married for longer.

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The Hairstyles That Make You Look Most Intelligent And Attractive

Certain hairstyles made people look more sexy, others more good-natured or even more narrow-minded.

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This Lifesaving Ingredient Prevents Alzheimer’s

There are around 5.5 million Americans living with Alzheimer's and deaths have almost doubled in two decades.

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The 5 Most Effective Antidepressants

A new review of 522 different studies involving 116,477 people reveals whether antidepressants work.

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Culture of Empathy

While approving comments submitted on a MindBlog post, I always go back and read the post. (I have to vet comments, because most are designed to get clicks on links to commercial sites). I sometimes find posts referencing sites that I really wish I had stayed in touch with. This following example is a slightly edited re-posting of an item from 2012:

I have finally taken time to look more thoroughly at a site noted in a comment to my July 25 post on compassion research. The "Culture of Empathy" site is an aggregator of resources and information about the values of empathy and compassion. It makes interesting, if a bit overwhelming, browsing. I feel like a complete trogdolyte as only now do I notice sites like CAUSES that hosts seven different empathy related causes that one can sign on to, listing the very same gentleman who commented on my post (Edwin Rutsch) as leader.  Mr. Rutsch would also like you to join the Empathy Center Page on Facebook, and join him on Facebook Causes. This guy really gets around! The Culture of Empathy website lists summaries of a large number of interviews, book reviews, and conferences involving Mr. Rutsch, noting the neuroscience of empathy (things like mirror neurons, etc.), different cultural aspects of empathy, linguistics.... I guess its gotta be a good thing, but while fully thinking that my own behavior could certainly be leavened by a more empathetic bias, I'm overwhelmed by this web input to the point of inaction regarding social venues to support.


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Tuesday, 27 February 2018

Parent’s Call to Action: Enough Terror in Schools

At a local high school in Florida, a fire alarm was pulled by a student. This is the second time since the school shooting in Parkland, Florida that the fire alarm at this school was activated. Since nearly all the students, teachers, and staff know that the Parkland shootings began with a fire alarm being pulled, the fear is high. Many students chose not to leave the building and instead hid in closets and barricaded classrooms.

The problem is that a couple of years ago, the fire alarm went off because there was a fire in the school. A chemistry experiment went wrong causing a small fire that affected several classrooms. Most of these students remember the incident. So what does a student do? Do they leave the school for fear of a fire and risk being shot? Or do they remain for fear of a shooter and risk being in a fire?

A few miles away, at rival high school, the school goes on lockdown/lockout shortly after dismissal. Students who are left in the building are not allowed to leave and students outside of the building are asked to leave immediately. Within minutes, the police arrive to secure the area as a helicopter flies above.

Because our home is a block away from the school, it becomes a temporary safe zone for several students to wait. The students don’t know what is happening, they are just terrified. The memory of Parkland becomes a real fear. All over the area, this type of incident is happening daily.

And the fear is not just at high schools. Does a parent send their child to:

  • Church? First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, TX; 2017: 26 victims killed, 20 injured.
  • Concert? Las Vegas, NV; 2017; 58 victims killed, 851 injured.
  • Night Club? Pulse, Orlando, FL; 2016; 49 victims killed, 58 injured.
  • Movie Theatre? Century 16 Movie Theatre; Aurora, CO; 2012; 12 victims killed; 70 injured.
  • Cafeteria? Luby’s Kitchen, Killeen, TX; 1991; 23 victims killed, 27 injured.
  • College? Virginia Tech, Blacksburg, VA; 2007; 32 victims killed, 23 injured.
  • Elementary School? Sandy Hook Elementary, Newton, CT; 2012; 26 victims killed.
  • Indian Reservation? Red Lake High School, Red Lake MN: 2005: 10 victims killed, 7 injured.
  • Christian College? Oikos University, Oakland, CA: 2012; 7 victims killed, 3 injured.
  • McDonalds? San Ysidro, CA; 1984; 21 victims killed, 19 injured.
  • Community College? Umpqua Community College, Roseburg, OR; 2013; 10 victims killed, 9 injured.
  • Military? Fort Hood, TX; 2009; 13 victims killed, 30 injured.
  • Prayer Meeting? Emanuel African Methodist Episcopal Church, Charleston, SC; 2015; 9 victims killed, 3 injured.
  • Holiday Party? San Bernardino, CA: 2015; 15 victims killed, 22 injured.
  • Homeschool? Houston, TX; 2001; Andrea Yates killed her 5 children.

Yes to all. These incidents of terror strike fear at the core of a person’s being. What seemed safe is no longer safe. As adults, it is our responsibility to model healthy manifestation of anxiety and fear for our children. They learn best by seeing, not by lectures. This means teaching our kids what to do in the event of an emergency other than calling 911. They need to find safe locations, protect themselves, and help others who need assistance. Anxiety is a friend, not a foe. It is a warning indicator that something is not right. Fear is a gift. It signals that danger is very close and it is time to take cover. These emotions don’t need to be medicated (dulled so the response time is lower) rather they need to be embraced as normal and healthy (so response time is quicker).

Talk to kids. Every parent should be talking to their kids about what they are feeling and thinking. This is not about telling a child what or how they should think or feel; rather it is about allowing them to express themselves naturally. Some kids are not affected by all of the recent disturbances in schools, while others are unable to function. There should be a balance of normalcy in routine mixed with awareness for potential dangers. Sometimes this means talking to kids about these dangers in an age appropriate manner. Not talking to them at all could set them up to be a victim.

Turn off media. There are times when too much information is just too much and this is one of them. Knowing all of the details from a shooting allows kids and adults to imagine things that can be harmful. Some even develop a secondary traumatic stress response which is a lighter version of post-traumatic stress disorder. This can increase anxiety, not reduce it. Learn individual limits. Some can handle more information, others less. This is not a competition.

Take action. There are several ways parents and students can be heard. Attend a school board meeting, a PTA meeting for the school, write to congress, write articles, and/or join an activist group. It takes courage to stand up for beliefs and affect change. This happens when people become passionate about doing better for the next generation so they don’t have to live in an environment of terror.

For me personally, as a mental health professional, I believe that it is time for our profession to evaluate would be gun owners. In most of the incidents mentioned above, the shooter was a deeply troubled individual who needed mental health intervention. The time to intervene is before, not after they possess a weapon.

 



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Having a Healthy Relationship When Your Partner Has ADHD

It’s worth it, but you need to know this.

Are you in a relationship with someone who has ADHD or ADD?

This is a question that I have been pondering recently.

A few months back I had to break up with someone who I loved very much because he was making me unhappy. I have spent a lot of time since then very angry and hurt because I felt like he didn’t even try.

And then, this week, I was doing some research on Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) for a client and it hit me — my man could very well have ADD!

The resulting behaviors made staying with him very difficult for me. And I am sure those same behaviors make living life very difficult for him. Maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t try but that he couldn’t try.

I have learned that many people are unaware of the devastating impact ADD can have on relationships. I want to share with you what I have learned and what loving someone with ADHD is like:

1. Accept That People with ADHD Are Different.

People who struggle with ADHD are very different from those who don’t. In order to love and someone who has ADHD, it is important to understand what ADHD looks like:

  • They can’t just “do it”.
    For those of us who don’t have ADHD, we can usually get something done when we buckle down, determined to do it. People with ADHD just can’t do that. They can, and do, try but often a bright shiny object distracts them and the task at hand evaporates.
  • They tend to live on the edge.
    People with ADHD can be constantly living on the edge, looking for that next thing that will make them feel something. This could mean doing drugs or having lots of sex or jumping out of airplanes. Whatever it takes for them to feel like they are alive and in control.
  • They can have low self-esteem.
    Because of a lifetime spent struggling to do the most basic tasks and the derision that often comes from other people when they feel let down, people with ADHD struggle from a chronic lack of self-esteem. This lack of self-esteem can cause intense depression and actually lead to increased cognitive deficiencies.
  • They struggle to listen or remember or keep promises and might always interrupt you.
    The minds of people with ADHD go a mile a minute. Much faster than the rest of us. Because of this, they are easily distracted by the next thing, as opposed to what is in front of them. As a result, they might not remember what is said to them. They want to but they can’t.
  • They often struggle at work.
    Because they have a hard time completing tasks and staying focused, people with ADHD sometimes always struggle at work. To be successful at work, people with ADHD need two things: a boss who understands them and an excellent support staff. Without these things, success will be very hard to attain. Not impossible but very difficult. This can lead to additional self-esteem issues.
  • They will struggle to make anything a priority.
    For people with ADHD, there are two kinds of time — “now” and “not now”. Because of this, they live completely in the moment. The concept of “moments down the road” means nothing to them.
  • They are often financially challenged.
    Having the focus to keep track of their expenditures takes a tremendous amount of discipline that they just might not have.

Also, some people with ADHD love to spend money. People with ADHD are often in search of the next high, the next thing that will scratch their itch. And spending money is an excellent way to achieve that goal.

So you see: people with ADHD are different from people who aren’t. Your ADHD husband may be very different from someone else’s ADHD boyfriend! Understanding that is a key piece of loving and being in a relationship with someone who has ADHD.

10 Struggles Only People with ADHD Understand

2. Be Willing to Compromise and Accommodate.

If you love someone who has ADHD, it’s important to be willing to compromise and accommodate their challenges. If your partner simply cannot complete a task the way that you want it done, you might need to finish it yourself.

If your partner struggles with keeping the finances in line, you might need to take on that task as well. If your partner has a hard time listening and remembering what you say, you might need to develop a system of writing things down to help him do so.

If your partner suffers from self-esteem issues or struggles at work, you might have to spend a disproportionate amount of time shoring him up. If your partner takes risks or spends too much money, you might have to help him manage those drives so they aren’t self-destructive.

Supporting and accommodating your loved one is a key part of living successfully together. If you can’t accommodate your loved one’s limitations, you might find yourself getting resentful and he might feel even more ashamed, which could make matters worse.

3. Be Clear with Yourself What Is Acceptable.

While it’s important to be willing to understand someone with ADHD and be willing to accommodate them when necessary, it is also important that you not compromise on things that you don’t think are acceptable.

If you find that your partner’s financial expenditures are putting your family at risk, then you can put your foot down and address the situation head-on.

If he never returns your texts or emails and isn’t available when he is needed, a system needs to be put in place to make him available.

Of course, when you love someone who has ADHD, it is important to compromise and accommodate but it is also important that you not lose sight of what is important to you.

4. Don’t Take Their Behaviors Personally.

It is essential that when loving a person with ADHD, you do not take their behaviors personally.

I have a client whose wife has ADHD. He hated to come home from the office because the house was a disaster, dinner was never ready, the kids were running around like crazy people and she was off working in the garden. He tried to explain to her how important it was to him that he not be met with chaos every time he came home.

He said to me, “If she loved me, then she would try harder to meet my needs. I even offered to help her but she refused.”

The thing was that she did love him. She just couldn’t do the things that he needed her to do.

Ironically, the hallmark of someone with ADHD is that they don’t want to ask for help. They honestly believe that if they try hard enough, they can do it all themselves.

As a result, many couples deal with the issue of one person not doing what they said they could do and the other person taking their lack of action personally.

So make an effort to not take your partner’s ADHD actions personally. It kills them that you do and they really do love you — they just forgot to take the trash out.

12 Questions to Ask Before Considering Medication for Kids with ADHD

5. Talk About It.

Communication is the key to loving someone with ADHD.

When your partner struggles with all of the things that he struggles with, and you have to work hard every day to accommodate those struggles, tensions are going to rise.

Some of the systems that you devised to make things work might stop working. Or your frustration levels with his spending money might elevate dangerously. Or he might be resentful of your repeated offers to help him finish a job.

When these things happen, it is important for the couple to take the time to talk about it. To see what they can do, together, to make whatever the issue is work.

Unfortunately, what can often develop in an uneven relationship is a parent/child dynamic, one where the non-ADHD person becomes like a parent to the ADHD-er. This is not a good dynamic for two people in a romantic relationship, for obvious reasons.

The best way to cut that dynamic short is to talk about it. Don’t make assumptions. Don’t walk away in a huff. Don’t scream and yell. Talk about it. Express your feelings and frustrations. Make a plan. Together.

Finding ways to love someone who has ADHD might seem difficult some on days but, I promise you, it’s not impossible.

People who struggle with ADHD are incredibly creative, they have a joy for living, they are full of big ideas and have a lot to give to a partner. People who struggle with ADHD are people who people want to love.

But living with people with ADHD can be a challenge, so take my advice above. Learn about how your partner struggles with ADHD. Accommodate him where you can but hold a line about what’s important to you. Talk about all of it when it becomes an issue.

And never, ever take their behaviors personally. Their behaviors are a result of their brain chemistry, not their love for you.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The 5 Best Tips for a Happy Relationship with Someone Who Has ADHD.



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Should I Seek Help?

From a teen in the U.S.: I’ve read some of the other posts relating to my issue and mine seems to be a bit different; I seem to talk to myself, but to a different degree. I always find myself having a conversation with at most four figures, I say “figures” because no one’s actually around me, I always hear a response and yes I can see them-visually speaking. It’s more of a flashed image or stationary statue that occasionally moves in response to the conversation (these “figures” have different voices, ideas, along with a conscience of their own but overall the conversations are very detailed)

I feel if I try to explain it to anyone without a degree or prior knowledge then they won’t understand what it is I’m trying to say. I know it’s strange, but my conversations can go on for around 5-10 minutes and they do not consist of short lists, general statements, or any kind of pep talks. It’s literally, a full-blown interaction/conversation with these “figures”. I don’t know if I should be concerned and seek help from a conselor or therapist I was hoping someone count help.

A: Sometimes when people ask a question, they already know the answer. Please listen to your wise inner self. You know this isn’t usual. You are troubled by it. You already know that you’ll need an objective, nonjudgmental counselor to help you figure it out. Those are enough reasons to talk to a professional who can help you sort out whether this is a problem that needs to be addressed or an unusual and creative way you solve problems. A trained mental health counselor will know the kinds of questions to ask to make sense of the situation. Please take care of yourself and make an appointment with a counselor.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie



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The Aftermath of School Shootings: Impact on Surviving Students

It seems that every other week, we turn on the news and open the newspaper to learn about another school shooting and our despair only deepens as more and more young lives are taken. We grieve those who died and send our condolences to the surviving students and their families. A few weeks go by and this happens again at a school across the country and we repeat.

We hear our politicians spitting out the same sorrowful verbiage. We hear the unanimous cries of parents who lost their child. Communities rally to find meaningful ways to pay tribute to those lost lives while Washington does little to prevent the loss altogether.

Adapting to a New Normal?

The surviving students develop some type of post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). They struggle to adapt to a new normal after the devastating loss of friends, family and sense of normalcy and safety, yet are continually subjected to triggers with more media coverage of new school shootings all over the country as time goes on.

The impact of these school shootings go much deeper than many realize. When students go back to a school that recently had a mass shooting event, the feeling of safety is diminished despite any new efforts to place metal detectors or additional security guards (Cornell and Mayer, 2010).

Consider a similar impact on survivors of car accidents. Many times, those who have survived a car accident avoid driving on the road where they had the accident or avoid driving during the time period when the accident occurred. This avoidance is not because those roads or that time is more dangerous, but rather the feeling of safety is gone. This situation is true for students who enter a building where a week prior they were running, ducking and hiding for their lives; they are traumatized.

According to Berman, Kurtines, Silverman, and Serafini (1996), approximately 68% of students exposed to these violent events develop these PTSD symptoms. This result explains the decline in overall student success in these schools as students have to cope with their symptoms in addition to the focus and work it takes to be successful in school in general.

While students are typically taking notes in class and engaging with the course material, student survivors from a mass shooting oftentimes become triggered from routine noises or drills, sudden movements or flashbacks (Glew, Fan, Katon, Rivara, & Kernic, 2005).

According to Beland and Kim (2016), students performance after a mass shooting declined in standardized test scores in the subjects of English and math.

The implications go beyond school as school is the foundation on which students build their futures. Students who perform lower in math and English tests have lower odds of acceptance in colleges and consequently, lower chances of becoming high-earners in the future (Hoekstra, 2009).

Given the knowledge we have and research that can be done to continue to support this population of students, we need to consider not only the lives lost but the surviving lives that are changed forever as a result of school shootings.

We need to consider the emotional and socio-economic barriers these students may encounter in the future and how, we as professionals, can prepare these students apart from the standard career counseling and test prep courses.

We need to consider the impact of this trauma well beyond the following few months of a shooting and consider the manifestation of these PTSD symptoms later on in these students’ lives and help them develop the coping mechanisms they need to thrive in their futures.

References:

Beland, L.P., Kim, D. (2016). The Effect of High School Shootings on Schools and Student Performance. Educational Evaluation & Policy Analysis, 38, 113-126.

Berman, S. L., Kurtines, W. M., Silverman, W. K., Serafini, L. T. (1996). The impact of exposure to  crime and violence on urban youth. American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 66, 329–336.

Cornell, D. G., Mayer, M. J. (2010). Why do school order and safety matter? Educational Researcher, 39, 7–15.

Glew, G. M., Fan, M. Y., Katon, W., Rivara, F. P., Kernic, M. A. (2005). Bullying, psychosocial adjustment, and academic performance in elementary school. Archives of Pediatrics &  Adolescent Medicine, 159, 1026–1032.

Hoekstra M. (2009). The effect of attending the flagship state university on earnings: A discontinuity- based approach. The Review of Economics and Statistics, 91, 717–724.

 

Silvi Saxena is a licensed social worker, certified oncology social worker and clinical trauma professional. She works with the chronically and terminally ill population in Philadelphia, PA and has a special focus on employee health and wellness.



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2 Attachment Styles That Damage Relationships

Certain types of anxiety can cause massive ups and downs in relationships.

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The New Scapegoat for Gun Violence: Mental Illness

2018 Photo by Lorie ShaullOur President and others have latched onto the idea that mental illness — not guns — is to blame for the gun violence plaguing our country. Labeling mental illness as the cause of gun violence grossly oversimplifies a grossly complex problem. But we like tying things up neatly. We want to quickly and easily understand who’s to blame, so pointing a finger at the mentally ill makes that easy for us.

This toxic, misplaced blame perpetuates the chronic discrimination we as a society still possess for the mentally ill, who represent a large population of Americans and who, with the same rare exception found in virtually every demographic category, occasionally behave in a violent manner. It’s ironic that we, as a nation that largely ignores, delegitimizes and under-funds mental illness, suddenly draw it into the spotlight when it’s time to blame someone other than ourselves and our outdated laws. We claim to be compassionate, yet our laws, and potential attempts to require a mental illness registry of some kind, reflect underlying contempt and distrust of the mentally ill, who suffer acutely every day of their lives, and who are deserving far more of help, and far less disdain and blame.

President Trump’s response to the recent horrific mass shooting in Florida, where 17 people were killed, was to point a finger at mental health: “So many signs that the Florida shooter was mentally disturbed, even expelled from school for bad and erratic behavior.” Later in his televised address at the White House, he pledged to “tackle the difficult issue of mental health” and to improve safety in schools, but failed to mention the guns that killed the seventeen victims.

Putting the onus on the mental health system and implementing laws that would red flag “potential threats” is arguably a step forward to prevent violence against our children and our schools. But it’s a drop in the bucket, and it turns our attention away from the real problem, which is gun accessibility.

In the United States, whenever a plane goes down or a train derails and crashes and American lives are lost, the transportation and safety authorities act very quickly. They launch full investigations and do everything in their power to prevent the accident from happening again. They leave no stone unturned, and the search for answers often goes on for months, or even years. Yet when a mass shooting occurs at a school, a theater, a place of worship or anywhere else, nobody does anything about it. Instead we send thoughts and prayers to the grieving families. But now that we are scapegoating people with mental illness and throwing them under the bus, we can pretend that we are doing something about it.

Many people still ask why we have so many mass shootings. Are we a violent nation? Should we heighten security in our schools? Should we arm teachers? So far, every answer seems to be on the table, except for fewer guns.

A 2015 study by The National Institute of Health showed that less than 5% of gun-related killings in the United States between 2001 and 2010 were committed by people diagnosed with mental illness. Another NIH study from 2016, estimated that only 4% of violence is committed by someone with a serious mental illness.

A recent article in The New York Times by Amy Barnhorst, “The Mental Health System Can’t Stop Mass Shootings,” Barnhorst reminds us that “Even if all potential mass shooters did get psychiatric care, there is no reliable cure for angry young men who harbor violent fantasies.” Or people with substance abuse issues and many other factors. In short, the mental health system has no safeguards to speak of. It is not an exact science. The proposed change in law would only weed out those who seek treatment for mental illness.

Barnhorst adds, “The reason the mental health system fails to prevent mass shootings is that mental illness is rarely the cause of such violence.” Saying that is a sweeping generalization that is both reckless and unproductive. The bottom line is, whether someone has a mental illness diagnosis or if they are angry, vengeful, or have a history of emotional instability, why not make it difficult for that person to purchase a deadly weapon? As we have seen, anyone can “snap” and take their frustrations out on others. And, if the AR-15 and other assault rifles were not available to purchase, lives would naturally be saved.

According to US News and World Report, “U.S. states that have significantly higher rates of gun ownership also have higher rates of homicides, suicides and ‘accidental’ gun deaths. Countries’ rates of gun ownership almost exactly correlate with their rates of gun deaths, with the U.S. as a complete outlier in both.” The evidence is irrefutable that we simply have too many guns available to purchase and that our laws have to change.

Here’s another point to think about. In the past few decades we have come far in destigmatizing mental illness. Tagging it as the cause for our gun violence would proliferate the remaining stigma and stereotyping. The result would be that many sufferers would stop seeking help for fear of exposure and persecution. They may return to the shadows and retreat in shame to a life of isolation again. We as a country cannot afford this type of regression. We should continue to move forward in our treatment of, and compassionate regard for, those who suffer.  

The truth is that the mentally ill are not violent, and they are already the target of scorn and fear in our society. While it is true that many shootings are carried out by individuals with some form of mental illness, most mentally ill, like most people in general, never commit a violent crime. Enacting laws that go after people with a diagnosed mental illness would result in sufferers not seeking treatment for fear of being stigmatized.

Photo attribution: Lorie Shaull



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A Simple Way To Recall More Proven By Eyewitness Experts

The method was more effective than 'free recall', where people remember whatever they can in any order they like.

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5 Mistakes to Never Make with an Abuser

After BetrayalAbuse is about having power over someone. Abusers typically want to feel superior, to control and dominate. To them, communication is not about understanding. It’s a win-lose game. They use verbal abuse and/or violence to accomplish this. They’re frequently self-centered, impatient, unreasonable, insensitive, unforgiving, lack empathy, and are often jealous, suspicious, and withholding. Their moods can shift from fun-loving and romantic to sullen and angry. Some punish with anger, others with silence — or both. It’s often “their way or the highway.”

They can be bullies. Typically, abusers deny any responsibility and shift blame to their loved ones and co-workers. The one thing they all have in common is that their motive is to have the upper hand. This is because they don’t feel that they have personal power, regardless of worldly success. Often, they behave the way they were treated growing up, and their insecurity, shame, and rage from childhood drives them.

Allowing abuse damages our self-esteem. To respond effectively requires support. It’s difficult to face it without others who will validate our reality. This is especially true if we’ve been abused for any length of time. Without outside support, our compromised self-esteem leads to self-doubt, insecurity, isolation, and increased dependency on the abuser.

Common Mistakes that Escalate Abuse

It’s important to understand the motives and mindset of an abuser; otherwise, victims of abuse commonly make the following mistakes that contribute to more abuse.

  1. Appeasement. Most victims try to placate an abuser to de-escalate conflict and anger. This tactic only empowers the abuser, who sees it as weakness and an opportunity to exert more control. Pleading sends the same message.
  2. Arguing. Verbal fights with an abuser lead to more resentment on both sides. As anger escalates, so does abuse. Nothing is gained. You lose and can end up feeling more victimized, hurt, and hopeless.
  3. Explaining and Defending. When you’re wrongly blamed or attacked, trying to defend and explain yourself, beyond a simply denying a false accusation, leaves you open to more abuse. This behavior is often based on a desire to seek the abuser’s approval. However, the motive of the abuser is to have power over you. So if you’re seeking approval, this dovetails with the abuser’s modus operandi. Thus, explaining and defending yourself sends this message: “You have power over my self-esteem. You have the right to approve or disapprove of me. You’re entitled to be my judge (i.e., parent).”
  4. Seeking understanding from the abuser. This is a futile objective, yet drives the behavior of victims who desperately want to be understood. They mistakenly believe or hope that the abuser is interested in understanding them, while the abuser is only interested in winning a conflict and having the superior position. Arguing over the facts is thus irrelevant. Most abusers aren’t interested in the facts, only justifying their position and being right.
  5. Criticizing. Because abusers are basically insecure, although they may act tough, inside they’re fragile. This can dish it, but can’t take it. Criticizing an abuser can provoke rage and vindictiveness. It’s more effective to be assertive and communicate your needs.

Effective Strategies for Dealing with Abuse

There are effective ways to deal with abuse, although they aren’t our gut reaction. They require education and forethought. Here are positive steps you can take.

  1. Get information. Learn all you can about emotional abuse and codependency. People in abusive relationships tend to be codependent. Read Codependency for Dummies.
  2. Get support. Individual therapy, as well as attending 12-Step meetings, such as Al-Anon or CoDA, can be immensely helpful. If you’re being physically abused, get information about legal resources, hotlines, and shelters in your area, and read more tips.
  3. Detach. Learn to not react or take personally the words and actions of an abuser. Not reacting is the first step toward empowerment. See “How Not to Be a Victim.”
  4. Raise your self-esteem. This will help you trust your reality, give your more options, and empower you to confront abuse. Begin by stopping any self-criticism, and then take action to rebuild your self-worth. Read 10 Steps to Self-Esteem-The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism and watch the webinar How to Raise Your Self-Esteem.
  5. Become assertive. Learn to be assertive, rather than passive, placating, nagging, criticizing, or aggressive. Read How To Speak Your Mind―Become Assertive and Set Limits and the webinar How to Be Assertive.
  6. Set Boundaries. Learn to set boundaries. (Also explained in the resources in #5.) If you think you have done so, but that they’re not working, read “Why Boundaries Don’t Work.”
  7. Be Strategic. If you’re dealing with someone highly defensive or with a personality disorder, there are specific strategies to having an impact. Read Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People.

© Darlene Lancer 2018



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Best of Our Blogs: February 27, 2018

We save certain situations as lesson worthy. Things like actual classes, and big changes from relationship beginnings to its end. But every situation can teach us something.

A stomach ache could teach us to be careful about what we eat.

A headache could remind us that rest is just as important as accomplishing.

An annoying neighbor could provide an opportunity to test our patience, acceptance and the ability to be kinder to ourselves.

You don’t have to wait for an illuminating seminar or session with a coach to improve your life, you can start with every area of your life. Let our top posts on childhood neglect, the need for approval and your relationship with emotions inspire you to tackle those life lessons.

3 Guilt And Shame Messages Of Childhood Emotional Neglect And How To Defeat Them
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – You secretly feel inferior, struggle with happiness and can’t deal with your feelings. It’s because of these childhood messages that hold you back, but there is an antidote to your pain in this post.

How the Narcissistic Trauma Bond Ensnares
(The Exhausted Woman) – It’s the reasons why you deny abusive behavior from a narcissist.

10 Facts You Need To Know About Emotions
(Cultivating Contentment & Happiness) – There are things you believe about emotions that are hurting you and your relationships. Find out what they are here.

No More Incest!
(Full Heart, Empty Arms) – Why does incest get perpetuated? Is our culture responsible? A few important thoughts on a disturbing trend.

How to Avoid the Validation Trap
(Change Your Mind, Change Your Life) – These three strategies will pull you out of the trap of needing approval and validation.



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