From the U.S.: I had been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 14 months; we don’t live together. We both have anxiety issues, but I also suffer from chronic depression. She comes from a very strict family that’s also severely neat.
She has some serious breakdowns, generally once a month. She gets upset about money, her family, her job, and me. They last anywhere from 1-3 hours, and I sit there with her and listen and try to calm her down by acknowledging her stress and holding her. She gets upset if I am too tired or mentally drained to listen to her every night after we are done with work. I’m always afraid I will do something that will upset her.
Example: I have a problem keeping my house clean. I tend to get overwhelmed and depressed whenever there are dishes to clean, or clothes to pick up. One day she broke down into tears because I had left out a plastic container on my table. She said I “always blame my depression for why I don’t clean”; and that she “can’t handle clutter, it’s not fair to her”; when my house is dirty. She even moved things around without asking me while I was away and gave her the key to my house! She then berated me and said she felt she had to do all the work around my own home. I was very upset because I never asked her to touch anything, and I felt like she was treating me like a child with no respect.
I got very ill at a bar we went to (I cannot have gluten in alcohol), the bartender accidentally gave me a drink mixed with some. I got drunk and a man harassed me at the bar sitting next to me. I ended up having to go to the ER. A week later she cried and said I was cheating on her by talking to that man, and she insisted I poisoned myself on purpose “to make her feel bad and get her attention”! I was speechless. I couldn’t believe she thought I would do something so awful on purpose! She always sees things as an attack on her, and she broke up with me.
How do I tell her she is hurting me by coming up with outrageous accusations? She only sees things from her point of view.
A: The better question is “why are you staying with someone who is so controlling?” This is an example of the power an apparently weak person can have on the people around her. By accusing you, “needing” you, and berating you for being “unfair” to her, she is creating a situation where you feel you have to be constantly at her beck and call and constantly meeting her standards. You said nothing in your letter that suggests there is a balance in the relationship.
If your depression is keeping you in this relationship, please work on that. You deserve better than this. My vote, on the basis of what you shared, is that you take a huge step back from this woman and work on yourself.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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