In a conversation with my long-term girlfriend (we are both 23), we were talking about how we learned about sex. She told me that her mom “did it” with her and her brother at the same time (she meant that her mom gave them the talk together).
However, I was shocked at this, because I had thought she was talking about something that I remembered my mom doing with me. Once every month or two months, she would tell me to “drop trough” because she needed to “check that everything was developing right.” I would protest, and she would say “it’s nothing I haven’t seen before,” “I made you,” and “you have no idea how much work it was to give birth to you and raise you.” After a short time, I would give in, drop my pants and underwear, and she would feel around and rub my penis and testicles for a few minutes.
The only thing is, I had never consciously thought about his until this conversation. As a child, I had believed her when she said it was a “medical thing,” although I remember not liking it very much. And my memories of it are pretty hazy, aside from general things: me standing up, my mom on her knees in front, in my parents bedroom, etc.
She would also grab my butt while I was walking around the house with her; make me dance with her; and told me that she and my father didn’t have sex and that it hadn’t been satisfying. Most of this happened for the few years (3rd-5th grade) that I was homeschooled, and I do have more vivid memory of this things.
I was wondering if this is the kind of thing that would be considered as sexual abuse? And if it is possible to have memories come back like this? If they are not real, I would just like to forget about them, because they make me feel kind of gross. Since my girlfriend and I are planning to have kids in a year or two, I would also like to know if this is something that you are actually supposed to for your kids (my instinctual feeling is no, but I don’t know where to learn about good boundaries).
Thank you (From the USA)
A: These memories sound specific, repetitive, and only a percentage of what you remember. It is definitely possible for memories to come back. The important thing is that you are noting that these memories are not universal, and that others don’t have similar experiences. The question of whether or not it is abuse is a good one to explore. It is something you’ll want to talk with a therapist about in individual therapy.
What is clear is that your mother’s boundaries with you were off. No parent should be discussing their sex life with their 8-10 year old child, grabbing them inappropriately, and conducting unwanted exams that could have been done routinely by a pediatrician.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral
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