I’m Preoccupied with My Boyfriend’s Past

From Australia: Im preoccupied with my boyfriend’s past. He didn’t tell me he was married before. When I found out I said nothing. I bottled it up. I’m reminded of it constantly, either it comes up in conversation, he mentions something about his past, or I ruminate about it in my head.

He’s very bitter about it all. I can’t get over the fact he was in love with someone before, enough that he married her and had his heart broken. He said he wouldn’t worry if we broke up and now he’s fine with being alone. I really should be happy that he’s come to this conclusion. But I’m not. My intense need for attachment makes me think otherwise. I want to be his world, his one and only love. I want him to tell me he never knew love before, that he can’t wait to marry me and have a family with me. I want him to be passionate with me.

I know this is attachment talking and not love. Am I expecting too much from him? I’m over here wanting to find my soulmate and he’s over there with a broken heart and just looking for a “good” person to be content with. But without the attachment… I’m not even sure if I love him. He’s racist and addicted to social media. Without the attachment, I know I could just go and find someone without all the baggage.
Please help. I need some insight

A: I don’t think you need insight. You need to believe what your own wise inner self is telling you. This guy may be wonderful in many ways but he is in no shape to give you what you want in a relationship. He has major healing to do. On top of that, you say he is racist and addicted to media. Those are two more good reasons why he isn’t the guy for you.

Meanwhile, you have issues of your own. Yes, you are expecting too much from him. In fact, you are expecting too much of anyone older than 15. Most adults your age have a past. Most have loved and lost at least once. It’s unlikely you are going to find someone for whom you are the first and only. That doesn’t mean you can’t find someone to love you deeply and exclusively. It does mean that you need to stop competing with your own imaginary ideas about a person’s past.

I hope you will make an appointment to see a counselor. You do deserve to find love. You do deserve to have less anxiety about attachment.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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