Why Can’t I Feel Empathy?

From a teen in the U.S.: I have noticed this for quite some time. I can’t feel empathy or sympathy towards people.
An example of this is when my best friend was crying in front of because she was getting death threats, I couldn’t bring myself to actually care. Another example is when my uncle died, and my dad was crying in front of me. I found it hilarious.

Another case is when my best friend was talking about how she saw her mom almost get raped, I just couldn’t bring myself to care. I have also never had a crush on anyone. I just don’t understand why someone would want to get in a relationship with someone, it seems meaningless. Is this normal?

A: I hesitate to assign an opinion of “normal” or “abnormal” on the basis of such little information. The fact that you are concerned enough about your feelings to ask the question does suggest that you are capable of feelings but perhaps you are worried about the vulnerability and the obligation that comes with them.

Empathy means walking in another’s shoes; to let ourselves feel a little or a lot of what the other person is feeling – if only for a moment – so we know better how we can be supportive. I suppose it is possible that you are so self-centered that you don’t want to care about others. More likely at your age is that you don’t know what to do about the feelings of others so you try to avoid the whole problem by shutting out the feelings.

I hope you let yourself start to do what really does come naturally. Kids as young as 2 show empathy when someone around them is hurting. Too often, that natural impulse gets shut down (some or a lot) during the teen years when emotions run high and are sometimes confusing or frightening.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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