From a teen in the UK: My girlfriend and I were on holiday, toward the end of the holiday i realised my girlfriend had been acting quite suspicious with her phone by hiding notifications whenever they came up and i was considering confronting her but decided to let it slide and just try to get over it.
the night we arrived home we were downstairs and she asked me to get her phone from upstairs so i decided to look on her snapchat ( one of the notifications she was hiding the most and i see she had been messaging a guy who i don’t know and had never seen her message before for four days in a row.
I instantly decided to confront her and she tells me it is just a guy from her work and he was asking why she hadn’t been to work and apparently the conversation was harmless and short. The snap chat messages were not saved and because of the streak i know they had been sending picture images.
our relationship has alot of trust issues and we both decided to delete the person of the opposite sex off of our snapchats so him being added all of a sudden out of nowhere is quite threatening. She admitted she was hiding the messages but on because she wanted to avoid an argument.
I feel she hasn’t been completely honest me and i don’t know what to do now. I don’t feel comfortable anymore because she was hiding this from me and she also said that she sees him and talks to him at work. This is really putting mentally damaging and i just don’t know what to do.
What should i do now? i feel like i cant be with her because i cannot trust her at all anymore and i can’t stop thinking about what shes done but at the same time i don’t want to leave her because this could be worse for my mental health. What are my options and is there anyway to overcome this issue.
Trust is a very fragile thing. Once broken, it is very difficult to regain. I have no way of knowing if your girlfriend is being honest about the nature of her relationship with the guy at work. But I do know that the two of you had an understanding about what it means to be faithful and she broke it without talking to you about wanting to renegotiate it. She may be telling the truth that she just wanted to avoid an argument with you. Maybe not.
One of the most important tasks of the teen years is learning how to be in a trusting and loving relationship. At the very least, your girlfriend needs to learn how to approach difficult subjects with the person she loves and not be so afraid of an argument that she hides. You need to learn how to confront a problem directly instead of playing detective.
If we could rewind the tape of life: You would have pressed her for an explanation of her secretive behavior and she would have shared her text messages with you. If those messages were harmless, trust wouldn’t have become an issue and your relationship would have been brought to a deeper level by working through the “rules” of your partnership.
If the two of you can have a deep and honest conversation about how to be trusting and trustworthy, you may be able to salvage this relationship. If the two of you can’t talk this through to the point where you are both comfortable, then it may be best to learn what you can from the experience and to move on.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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