I Am Unsure What Kind of Relationship I Should Have with My Parents

I grew up in a upper middle class family. I was given most things I wanted and all the essential things a child would need. I have a brother who is 25, he has borderline personality disorder. He acted out as a child/teenager, was constantly arguing with my parents and soaked up much of my parents attention. I was given attention in a different way, but rejected any emotionally connection because I saw emotions as negative because my brother/parents were arguing because of my brothers intense emotions.

I have depression, anxiety, and substance abuse disorders. I have had these problems since high school. I now just realize that I have these because of how I was raised. I want to try to maintain a relationship with my parents, but my fiancé does not think I should and believes I should process the emotional neglect away from my family. I believe limited contact with them (seeing them on birthday’s and holidays) is the best way to process the emotional neglect and maintain a relationship with my parents.

My fiancé has a problem with them. She has Complex PTSD from her abusive family growing up. She is obviously sensitive towards a parental figure criticizing her. My father and her have gotten into arguments about how he talks to her and how his lack of emotional understand hurts her.

I am unsure what kind of relationship I should have with my parents because of the emotional neglect they display towards my fiancé and I. I want a relationship with at least my mother and brother, but my girlfriend does not believe I should be seeing them so I can better process the whole situation with them.

I’d encourage you to seek couple counseling together to work on a resolution. I don’t think the decision you make jointly matter so much as the fact that you’ll need to be on the same page.

You future is with your fiancé and while cutting off from your family might be the right answer for you as a couple, you may want to explore in therapy the alternative of you seeing your mother and brother on occasions by yourself.

There isn’t a ready-made answer for this sort of situation. But each of you have chosen each other because of conditions that prevailed in your families of origin that you didn’t have control over. The two of you working together to experiment with a solution is already a step toward healing the dynamics inflicted by your families.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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