6 Reasons Why I Hate My Therapist

Editor’s Note: This is intended to be a humorous piece.

So just when you are getting sick and tired of all those people giving you heartache for no apparent reason at all, you decide to shoot yourself in the head and find yourself a therapist so that he can give you more heartache than all the people put together.

But there is one big difference between now and then: Earlier you were getting your heartache for free. This time you are paying for it.

Your therapist might be an ultimate sweetheart. He might be the only reason you get up in the morning. He might be the one who melts you quicker than snow in June. He might make your heart soar the moment you open that door. He might make you unbearably happy and sad at the same time. He might be the thread your life is hanging by. Yet the fact is, your therapist might also be the most annoying person you will ever know.

So brace yourself if you are in therapy. You might love your therapist with all your heart, but you might hate him, too. And here are six reasons why this might be true:

1. Too profound or too insensitive?
One thing I will never understand about my therapist is whether he is too profound or too insensitive. I really want to know what’s going on with this guy. Is he being deep when he appears not to care about my moral dilemmas, or is he simply zoning out in the middle of my middle-age crisis? Is he nurturing me by ignoring my puppy dog longings or is he simply manifesting typical man behavior by not noticing anything at all?

2. He sits behind his boundaries.
When he is not angering you by being profound/deep/insensitive/typical man, he is doing something else altogether. The guy just sits behind his boundaries and watches you go nuts all around him.

Your heart might be ripping into one million shreds, your soul might be disintegrating into nothingness, yet all this man will ever do is sit there and watch! Say something. Do something. Just anything that is not sitting there and doing nothing!

3. He won’t crack a smile.
So here you are feeling all loving and chummy and full of the inner glow of therapeutic love. You want to reach out and bring a smile to his face because in your vivid therapist related fantasies your therapist can really do with some nurturing of his own. But since the therapist has those stupid boundaries that are seriously detrimental to the realization of your wild fantasies, the best thing you can do is crack a silly joke and watch him break into a big grin. So you say something funny and spontaneous and cute and witty and make a joke about the sexiness of your therapist’s inner god; but all you get from him in return is a poker face with a blank stare.

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