Dark Days: An Alaska Vacation

And you thought your kids were the only ones scared of the dark.

Think again.

Venturing to the Last Frontier last week, I braced for Palinesque politics, rampaging moose, and  brutal weather shrouded in Alaska darkness. While I was confident the scenery would dazzle, would the omnipresent snow and chill prove too much? Bundling up in my warmest fleeces, I could prepare for the foreboding weather. But mentally, well, we would see.

While pasty snowbirds descend on tropical destinations this holiday season, I ventured north — first to Sitka, Anchorage, and then Fairbanks. Yes, I am a glutton for punishment. And, as my friends reminded me, bone-rattling cold and ice-coated roads.

Thumbing through a Lonely Planet guidebook is one thing; experiencing Alaska’s biting cold and dreary nights is entirely different. Stepping off the Anchorage flight, its darkness enveloped me. At 9:30 AM. Yes, this vacation would test my mental fortitude.

Growing up in Iowa, the interminable winters would induce an energy-drooping paralysis. Glancing outdoors at the wintry conditions, I would retreat into my cozy apartment. In these comfy confines, I would munch on corn chips, mindlessly surf the Internet, and — yes — succumb to depressive/anxious thoughts.

Would Alaska be different? And, if so, what lessons could I learn from the frozen tundra — assuming I could rouse myself from its dreary darkness.

In Alaska’s unforgiving winter, the sun is an endangered species. Hopscotching from Sitka to Anchorage to Fairbanks, its appearance was a mere rumor. Most days the sun would appear for an hour or two before beating a hasty retreat. Perhaps the sun, like me, just wanted to snuggle with a hot chocolate and good book. The only respite from the winter blues: a one-way ticket to the Lower 48. My return ticket, however, was a blustery week away.

As reality — like a winter storm — socked me in the face, I braced for Alaska’s cold bleakness. Warily eyeing the weather forecast, I wanted my vacation to consist of more than stale TV reruns and soggy pizza delivery. My strategy for survival and, yes, enjoyment in Alaska’s barren tundra: spend as much time as possible outside. Dubbing my strategy Northern Exposure, I emulated those hearty Alaskans draped in head to toe fleece. Waddling out of my hotel every morning — and, yes, bearing a striking resemblance to the Michelin Man, I greeted the dark winter with a shivering smile.

In contrast to my rental car, my mood did not capitulate to Alaska’s icy conditions. Here’s what helped me navigate Alaska’s impenetrable chill — tow truck sold separately:

1. Adopting the hostel policy. In Sitka, the hostel shuttered its doors from 10 AM-6 PM. Unable to languish inside the hostel, I busied myself with Alaska’s medley of outdoor activities. As I hiked Alaska’s treacherous trials, I felt reinvigorated. The bitter cold? Here’s my prescription: layer up.
2. Expose yourself to new. Trekking to Sitka, Anchorage, and Fairbanks for the first time, my mind was Mensa sharp. Why? The breathtaking surroundings, wildlife sightings, and snowy terrain absorbed my attention. Alaska’s newness riveted me. And once I became too comfortable, the next adventure beckoned. When a dull routine saps my energy, I descend into counterproductive habits: mindless Internet surfing and binge TV watching. My new routine? Try not having one.

From Anchorage to Albany and everywhere in between, old man winter has returned with a snarling vengeance. But just because old man winter has reared its winter fangs, it doesn’t mean that you have to act like an old man. So close the Internet browser, delete that Netflix account, and plan your own travel misadventure. Lonely Planet is a guidebook, not your life’s title.

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Bipolar & Sunshine: Can Weather Trigger a Manic Episode?

People with bipolar disorder often suffer changes in mood that can be unrelated to anything going on in their lives. Research has shown that sometimes, however, a change in bipolar phases may be related to certain triggers, stress being a primary one for many.

But what about the weather? Can sunshine trigger a change in a person’s bipolar manic phase? Can rainy or cold weather trigger a depression phase?

To date, it is not yet clear what causes the change in a person’s bipolar disorder, switching from mania to depression or vice-a-versa. It is known that medications such as lithium can help attenuate or prevent these changes from occurring altogether.

Bipolar & Sunshine: Is It Seasonal?

The idea that changes in the seasons or weather might play an important role in inducing a manic or hypomanic episode in bipolar disorder can be traced back to Myers & Davies’ study from 1978 that examined hospital admissions due to mania and found a peak of mania episodes in summer and a nadir in winter. These same researchers also found a correlation between mania episodes and temperature in the month in question as well as the mean length of the day and mean daily hours of sunshine in the month before.

Some researchers have examined the correlation between a person with bipolar disorder’s change into a manic or hypomanic phase and the season of the year. Dominiak et al. (2015), for instance, found in their study of 2,837 hospital admissions, most mania admissions were noted in the spring and summer months, as well as in midwinter. These same researchers found that in late spring and winter a person was more likely to be admitted to the hospital for a mixed episode. And depression episodes were most likely to be seen in the spring and autumn months.

They went on to conclude:

The association between frequency of admissions and monthly hours of sunshine was observed in some age and sex subgroups of patients with bipolar disorder and single depressive episode.

The results support the seasonality of admissions of patients with affective disorders

These researchers weren’t alone in finding this correlation between sunshine and bipolar disorder’s manic phase. Newer researcher from Medici et al. (2016) also found evidence to support a connection between sunshine and the manic phase of bipolar disorder. Their large-scale study examined a whopping 24,313 hospital admissions of people with mania in Denmark from 1995 to 2012.

“There was a seasonal pattern with admission rates peaking in summer,” the researchers wrote. “Higher admission rates were associated with more sunshine, more ultraviolet radiation, higher temperature and less snow, but were unassociated with rainfall.”

Korean researchers Lee et al. (2002) found a similar correlation in 152 patients with bipolar disorder who were admitted into two hospitals in Seoul, South Korea: “The mean monthly hours of sunshine and sunlight radiation correlated significantly with manic episodes.”

A flawed 2008 study (Christensen et al.) couldn’t find an association between their 56 subjects and climate data (such as hours of sunshine, temperatures, rainfall, etc.). But the study’s small size meant they really didn’t have enough manic episodes to track, and so the researchers ended up using other measures (a mania rating scale, for instance) to act as a stand-in for actual mania. This makes the results of this study difficult to compare to other studies.

Does the Weather Cause Mania in Bipolar Disorder?

While it’s unclear whether or not weather — climate factors such as sunshine, rainfall, and temperature — actually cause mood changes in bipolar disorder, there appears to be strong, replicated scientific evidence that such changes may be related to or possibly triggered by the weather.

The actual strength of these changes likely varies from person to person. Weather alone is unlikely to be the most important or sole cause of a person developing mania or hypomania — but it seems like that it can be a trigger that people with bipolar disorder should be aware of.

 

References

Christensen, Ellen Margrethe; Larsen, Jens Knud; Gjerris, Annette; Peacock, Linda; Jacobi, Marianne; Hasselbalch, Ellen. (2008). Climatic factors and bipolar affective disorder. Nordic Journal of Psychiatry, 62, 55-58.

Dominiak, Monika; Swiecicki, Lukasz; Rybakowski, Janusz. (2015). Psychiatric hospitalizations for affective disorders in Warsaw, Poland: Effect of season and intensity of sunlight. Psychiatry Research, 229, 287-294.

Lee, Heon-Jeong; Kim, Leen; Joe, Sook-Haeng; Suh, Kwang-Yoon. (2002). Effects of season and climate on the first manic episode of bipolar affective disorder in Korea. Psychiatry Research, 113, 151-159.

Medici, Clara Reece; Vestergaard, Claus Høstrup; Hadzi-Pavlovic, Dusan; Munk-Jørgensen, Povl; Parker, Gordon. (2016). Seasonal variations in hospital admissions for mania: Examining for associations with weather variables over time. Journal of Affective Disorders, 205, 81-86.

Myers DH, Davies P. (1978). The seasonal incidence of mania and its relationship to climatic variables. Psychol Med, 8, 433-440.

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I Feel Like Nothing Is Worth It Anymore

Hi, I’ve been struggling with social anxiety and depression for a while now but lately it’s become unbearable. I feel like life isn’t worth it anymore. I have no interests or dreams. Even the few things that I once use to like seem pointless now. I’m in college but I don’t like what I’m doing and I feel like nothing could really interest me enough to major in. I just feel empty and life seems really meaningless. I do not know what to do about it and I don’t even feel the motivation to help myself. Even when I don’t feel anxious life is boring and dull. I’ve tried to get into something that could make me happy, but truly nothing is able to make me feel interest and motivation. (From Romania)

A: While I certainly hear the despair and pain you are in, I am also aware that you are still reaching out to us here. The part of you that sent the email is the part that knows you’re feeling so down now can change. Otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered. So let’s address the part of you that has hope in the possibility of change.

Over 70% of college freshman are disillusioned by their choice of major and shift their interests. Consider this year a time of experimentation. Try as many new things out in college as you can. Don’t worry about practical elements — concern yourself more about finding something that piques your interest. You need to be engaged with something that interests you.

Also, since you are at a university, I would encourage you to talk with the people in the counseling center. The counseling is usually free or low cost, and it would be good for you to talk with people who have helped others through this period in their life.

Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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I Feel Like Nothing Is Worth It Anymore

Hi, I’ve been struggling with social anxiety and depression for a while now but lately it’s become unbearable. I feel like life isn’t worth it anymore. I have no interests or dreams. Even the few things that I once use to like seem pointless now. I’m in college but I don’t like what I’m doing and I feel like nothing could really interest me enough to major in. I just feel empty and life seems really meaningless. I do not know what to do about it and I don’t even feel the motivation to help myself. Even when I don’t feel anxious life is boring and dull. I’ve tried to get into something that could make me happy, but truly nothing is able to make me feel interest and motivation. (From Romania)

A: While I certainly hear the despair and pain you are in, I am also aware that you are still reaching out to us here. The part of you that sent the email is the part that knows you’re feeling so down now can change. Otherwise you wouldn’t have bothered. So let’s address the part of you that has hope in the possibility of change.

Over 70% of college freshman are disillusioned by their choice of major and shift their interests. Consider this year a time of experimentation. Try as many new things out in college as you can. Don’t worry about practical elements — concern yourself more about finding something that piques your interest. You need to be engaged with something that interests you.

Also, since you are at a university, I would encourage you to talk with the people in the counseling center. The counseling is usually free or low cost, and it would be good for you to talk with people who have helped others through this period in their life.

Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Are You an Approval Addict?

• Do you have a strong need for approval from others?
• Do you worry a lot about what others think of you?
• Do you have difficulty saying “no” to others, but feel sad when they don’t respond in kind?  

If so, it’s time for you to chill out before you burn out. For, seeking approval from others is draining, diminishing and invariably disappointing.

• Draining because you use up so much energy seeking approval that you can’t focus on what’s really important to you.
• Diminishing because your needs often end up at the bottom of the pile.
• Disappointing because no matter how hard you try, some people still won’t like you, appreciate what you do, or value your opinion.

So, if you want to break your approval addiction, read on…

1. Instead of looking outward, go inward and reflect on how you want to live your life. 

If you find yourself living your life to accommodate others or chasing pursuits just to fit in or gain acceptance, stop. Though it may initially feel warm and fuzzy to win another’s favor, reflect on whether it’s worth it in the long run. If you do decide to say “yes” to what others want, make sure it fits into your time schedule and is, at least partially, on your terms. Rather than taking on tasks simply to please another, aim toward living by the rules that make sense to you. 

Nix the guilt if you didn’t do what someone else wanted. Nix the fear of offending others.  In no way am I suggesting that you aim to be a self-centered, egotistical person. Being a generous, giving person is an admirable quality. But accommodating others just to win their approval or to prove your worthiness is another matter.

2. Know when and how to say “no.” The ability to say “no” — especially when you’re thinking “no” — will reap unexpected benefits. Here are just a few:

• Your “yes” will be more respected by others, as those who can’t say “no” are often treated as doormats.
• Saying “no” will help you set reasonable limits on your time and energy.
• Saying “no” will help you build character. Character is weakened by saying “yes” to everyone and everything.

Learn the many ways to say “no.” Most will fit into one of these four categories:

• A polite “no” “
  No, but thanks for thinking of me.”
• A “no” with an Explanation 
  “No, I’d like to join you but I just don’t have the time.”
• A “no” with an Alternative Proposal 
  “No, I can’t drive you now but I’ll be available in an hour.”
• A Blunt “NO”
  “No, I won’t do it.” As a pleaser, you’ll probably use this type of “no” sparingly, saving it for those who brush off your initial “no.”

Grant yourself the freedom to use whatever type of “no” best fits your mood and situation.

3. Give yourself the approval that you seek from others.

We live in a culture in which it’s easy to feel frazzled and fried. Work harder! Faster! Better! Though this is troubling for many, it’s particularly tough for an approval junkie. Why? Because approval seekers are prone to assuming an abundance of responsibility. Add on your dislike of disappointing others and life can easily get out of hand. You know what I’m talking about, right? In your saner moments, you do know that you can’t do everything. So, if something has to give, make sure it’s not your good feelings about yourself.

Remember, always, always, always treat yourself with respect. Know your worth. Value your time. Make choices that are right for you. Instead of feeling pressured to go along with something you don’t want to do, speak up. Give yourself the kindness, acceptance and approval that you’re seeking from others.

“People often say that a person has not yet found himself.

But the self is not something that one finds.

It is something that one creates.”

~ Thomas Szasz

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Book Review: Retrain Your Brain

People who are in a dark depression or overwhelmed by anxiety are not inclined to pick up a book to go through a self-guided program. However, people who recognize that something is wrong and have even a small bit of motivation could very well benefit from Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety, by Seth Gillihan. These are the people have some insight into how they feel but need the tools in order to make changes.

The assumption with this workbook is that readers can be active participants in CBT, since they are experts about themselves. For someone who is seriously depressed or highly anxious, though, I would encourage them to work through this workbook with a therapist rather than try to work through it alone.

In Part One — Before You Begin, Gillihan includes brief definitions about the different kinds of anxiety and depressive disorders. The intention is not for people to diagnose themselves or provide a thorough clinical definition of these issues, but to provide some idea of how a clinician would define some of the things they are struggling with. Gillihan then gives an overview of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). The key point is that our thoughts and actions are connected and it’s very difficult to change one without changing the other.

CBT is focused on the present and is a very active treatment where clients learn new skills. Gillihan says, “Knowledge about the benefits of physical activity is helpful, but we only benefit from actually exercising,” and the same thing applies for CBT. Reading about it is not enough. So, in Part Two, Gillihan introduces the seven-week program. Each week has a theme, information, and exercises to help readers work through their mild depression or anxiety using CBT methods. The seven themes are:

Week One: Setting Goals and Getting Started — Readers are encouraged to think about what feeling better looks like and how life could be different.

Week Two: Getting Back to Life — Readers are asked to examine their current and desired behaviors.

Week Three: Identifying Your Thought Patterns — Readers are asked to jot down times when they noticed that their mood has declined and write down the thoughts they had during that time. The goal is to look for negative thought patterns.

Week Four: Breaking Negative Thought Patterns — During this week, it’s time to do some work to change the things readers discovered in the three previous weeks. Hopefully readers can see that many of the thoughts they have are not entirely true. Gillihan explains, “The goal in questioning our negative thoughts is not to convince ourselves that nothing is our fault. Rather, we want to see ourselves more clearly, faults and all.”

Week Five: Time and Task Management — The focus this week is getting organized. When people are depressed and anxious, it’s very hard to find motivation to get things done. Having a written plan is vitally important for moving forward, and this week details how to do that.

Week Six: Facing your Fears — Readers are taught that overcoming fears requires facing those fears. Readers are invited to create their own exposure hierarchy of things they think they can face with little anxiety and then progress from there.

Week Seven: Putting It All Together — Readers are encouraged to review everything they accomplished in the prior six weeks. They are to make a plan using the things that worked so they can refer to their plan if anxiety or depression comes up again.

As a licensed therapist, I felt this was a practical book on CBT written for someone who is struggling with mild depression or anxiety. Readers who have a fair amount of insight into their behavior could benefit from this. The exercises each week are easy to understand and do not require any previous knowledge of the mental health field or CBT. And it is definitely written for the struggling person and not a clinician. For people who know that they are just not feeling “right,” this is a valid tool for helping them find a way to live more fully. They can do these exercises on their own and probably see some benefit within seven-week timeframe.

Those who have a more moderate case of depression or anxiety will definitely need some accountability to go through this book. Depending on the depth of their mental health concerns, they may not have the motivation to go through a seven week course. It does not necessarily mean that someone with a moderate case has to see a therapist, but I do think some kind of accountability partner would be important. For those who are severely depressed or anxious, this book would only be useful in conjunction with a therapist. The thought of doing these exercises and thinking in terms of seven weeks may overwhelm those who have more serious mental health issues. One hour a week is not enough for somebody to recover from a mental health issue so accompanying therapy with a guide such as this is very doable and will improve the chances of a successful recovery.

Retrain Your Brain: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy in 7 Weeks: A Workbook for Managing Depression and Anxiety
Althea Press, October 2016
Paperback, 236 pages
$15.99

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A Highly Valued Personality Trait That Sadly Increases The Risk of Suicide

This hidden cause of suicide might surprise you.

Dr Jeremy Dean's ebooks are:

• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything

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Effect of Self-Awareness on Ego Functioning: A Perspective on Personality Development

An interesting phenomenon for psychological exploration among human beings is the combination of potential factors that motivate people to keep others in their surroundings perpetually happy and complacent.

Basic psychological theories, in one way or another, reveal that we possess a passionate love for ourselves¹. We tend to see our reflections in others’ eyes. In doing so, we try to adhere with relations, where we see positive aspects of ourselves. We are tempted to make relations, which give us self-strength, boost our self-esteem and give us positive feedback ². Positive relationships are just like ladders, which promote you and fill in personal deficits. We make an effort to climb this ladder seeing ourselves inflated with happiness and serenity ³. We improve through our positive relationships.

Foundation of Self-Structure and Related Associations

Every person has bi-directional terms with this world. One we hold with others and another connection which we have with ourself ⁴. It is a very paradoxical term to understand. The quality of the relationship with self is a direct measure of our relationships with the outer world. It is a measure of our tranquility and harmony within, which determines our behaviors towards others. The constant state of whining, complaining and apprehension is a direct reflection of our “intra-self relationship”.

In childhood, we often shape our personality structures by taking in personas of our parental figures to form the superego (which guides us towards right and wrong) ⁵. On the other hand, we are also bestowed with the “id” by nature. Between environment and innate opportunities we have to devise our own ways, called the ego ⁶. Ego is a state, which decides between two major powers that are super-ego (derivative of parental ideals and principles) and id (innate animalistic priorities) ⁷.

Measure of Ego Strength

When we have strong ego boundaries, it means that we know where we stand in context of different relationships ⁸. It denotes our clear understanding regarding self-strengths and weaknesses. It acts as a determinant to know the fundamentals of one’s personality and it manifests as “enhanced self-awareness” ⁹. However, a deprived childhood, parental discord or an early loss or death of any parental figure can lead to many problems in personality architecture.

One of the basic deformities would be a formation of impaired personal identity ¹⁰. The vague awareness regarding self can produce an urge to know more about the self. Here we come to the point, in these cases relationships provide us an enriched experience, so that we can see ourselves, we can know our identities, and we can validate our existence through others ¹¹.

These relationships build us. The frequency of positive experiences or relationships gives us reassurance and reinforces positive healthy capabilities. Contrary to this, negative experiences and relationships thwart our growth as a person, it hinders our capacity to flourish, shine or progress ¹².

Social Impact of Poor Self-Awareness

Throughout our life spans, we try to fill in frustrating gaps in order to keep pace with the impaired intersection of the harsh super-ego, poor ego functions and id. It is a universal phenomenon of human passion that we tend to repair the injured self-images and self-esteem. And this goes on for life.

1. We seek positive regard in relations by avoiding conflicts, in order to obtain positive and compliant experiences from others (which earlier figures were not able to provide).
2. We compromise on difficult situations.
3. We frequently move out from our comfort zones to follow difficult pursuits in order to gain affectionate compliments.

An individual utilizes all these measures to fill up deficits of impaired self-structures.

Avoiding argumentative situations can be possible for a temporary period, but in the long run it is a pretty difficult job to do. In that case, relentless anxiety ensues whenever a person gets into conflicting situations. The eruption of minor or major conflicts is usually followed by a bout of impatience and frustration. The looming cognitive style renders one to believe in personal deficiency or insufficiency. The readiness to believe personal shortcomings is a variant of this pathology. Poor self-awareness reveals itself in different behaviors.

1. Inability to keep others annoyed
2. Inability to take negative remarks
3. Inability to stand differences and feelings of incapacitation

Are We Standing in the Right Place?

The following questions can be considered here:

1. Can we really repair deformed self-structures (ego, self esteem, confidence, awareness, ideals, identity and purpose)?
2. Can urges of positive self-experience increase by expressing submissiveness/ adherence?
3. Do we make strongholds of personality by avoiding judgment, arguments, conflicts or challenges?
4. Does mindfulness of these needs offer any help?

We all realize that self-efficacy depends mostly upon identification of one’s own self. One can only cater to a true sense of self-sufficiency with differentiation and distinction.

Most of the learning experiences in life carry pain, endurance and sacrifice. Detachments from acceptance and social ties can cause distance, isolation; but it also questions existence, purpose of life and self ¹³.

Impaired self-structures seek social acceptance by maintaining adherence and compliance. Unfortunately, this (un-) conscious strategy further hampers self-vision and understanding of persona. It facilitates a vicious cycle of thirst and search for self.

Conclusion

Parenting behaviors and a nurturing environment are most significant and primary social milestones. Their quality determines the self-efficacy, self-sufficiency and social attitudes in later life. Deficits of self-image (which are produced as a result of inadequate primary attachments) can cause impaired self-awareness. It gives rise to the need to understand purpose of existence. The indeterminate ego boundaries can cause inadequate adherence within social strata. Certain unconscious behaviors are generated in response to others, including excessive submissiveness and admiration by avoiding argumentative roles. It further impairs self-understanding, as excessive self-cohesion with others deprives a person from holding independency and self-reflection.

 

References:

1. Campbell WK, Foster CA, Finkel EJ. Does self-love lead to love for others?: A story of narcissistic game playing. Journal of personality and social psychology. 2002;83(2):340.
2. Brown RP, Bosson JK. Narcissus meets Sisyphus: Self-love, self-loathing, and the never-ending pursuit of self-worth. Psychological Inquiry. 2001:210-3.
3. Heine SJ, Lehman DR, Markus HR, Kitayama S. Is there a universal need for positive self-regard? Psychological review. 1999;106(4):766.
4. Turner JC, Oakes PJ, Haslam SA, McGarty C. Self and collective: Cognition and social context. Personality and social psychology bulletin. 1994;20:454-.
5. Erskine, Richard G. “Ego structure, intrapsychic function, and defense mechanisms: A commentary on Eric Berne’s original theoretical concepts.”Transactional Analysis Journal 18.1 (1988): 15-19.
6. Hartmann, Heinz, and David Trans Rapaport. “Ego psychology and the problem of adaptation.” (1958).
7. Freud, Sigmund, and Princess Marie Bonaparte. The origins of psychoanalysis. Imago, 1954.
8. Whitfield, Charles L. Boundaries and relationships: Knowing, protecting and enjoying the self. Health Communications, Inc., 1993.
9. Chein, Isidor. “The awareness of self and the structure of the ego.”Psychological review 51.5 (1944): 304.
10. Ellemers, Naomi, Russell Spears, and Bertjan Doosje. “Self and social identity*.” Annual review of psychology 53.1 (2002): 161-186.
11. Bolger, Kerry E., Charlotte J. Patterson, and Janis B. Kupersmidt. “Peer relationships and self-esteem among children who have been maltreated.” Child development (1998): 1171-1197.
12. Thompson, Ross A. “The development of the person: Social understanding, relationships, conscience, self.” Handbook of child psychology (2006).
13. Lee, Richard M., and Steven B. Robbins. “Measuring belongingness: The Social Connectedness and the Social Assurance scales.” Journal of Counseling Psychology 42.2 (1995): 232.

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Book Review: Overcome Neediness & Get The Love You Want

“Every second of the day there is some relationship being damaged or lost because of neediness,” writes relationship coach Jack Ito, PhD. In his new book, Overcome Neediness and Get The Love You Want, Ito shows readers not just how to move past neediness, but to love from a secure base, one that can transform our relationships with others and with ourselves.

Ito begins by exploring how neediness unravels a relationship. From “emotional fireworks” to unreasonable sacrifices, interspersed with moments of intense passion, neediness often leads to ongoing conflict and eventually the end of the relationship. Much of the reason for this is that needy people operate from an insecure base, one where the tendency to idealize partners is strong. “Needy people continue to idealize and romanticize their relationships. They believe they have found their soul mates and no one is going to convince them otherwise — not even their partners,” writes Ito. Yet needy people can also be very controlling, requiring their partners to behave in specific ways, and often exhibit poor boundaries as a facet of getting their needs met.

As a needy person’s focus is directed to getting their own needs satisfied, they operate from a place of self-focus and interpret others actions as inaccurate reflections of themselves. In doing so, Ito tells us, needy people often reside in a victim position, harboring unrealistic expectations of their partner’s ability to meet their exaggerated needs for love, attention, and reassurance. He writes, “Needy people feel in love, but they don’t actually have the kind of sacrificial and mature love that cares about their partners’ well being.” What results is often a cycle of failed relationships that further deteriorate the needy person’s self-esteem.

According to Ito, neediness can occur for many reasons. He points to the early studies on secure and insecure attachment patterns in infants as a possible catalyst for later needy behavior in adult relationships. Ito also suggests the theory that needy people tend to exaggerate normal fears and when they feel fear, act in maladaptive ways. One example of this is withdrawing from the relationship, which typically causes their partner to withdraw, often resulting in a vicious cycle where the needy person’s fears actually increase.

Overcoming neediness, according to Ito, is less about understanding why it happens or where it comes from and more about learning to respond differently. Because needy people live in an anxious world of “what if’s,” the first step is learning how to balance these thoughts against the results within the relationship. Ito suggests asking yourself, “Does this relationship get better or worse when you: check up on your partner, criticize, interrogate, argue, complain, explain, repeatedly talk about problems, nag, or make promises to change?” Answering this question honestly, along with getting extra help and support, employing secure role models, and understanding that your partner’s actions are not about you, can help needy people replace ineffective behaviors with more effective ones.

A core shift for needy people, Ito tells us, is letting go of the intention to change another person’s behavior. By operating from a place of self-confidence, needy people can make another important transformation — from short-term infatuation to long-term love and stability. Ito writes, “Although a needy person has to be willing to give up an intense fantasy-like early relationship, doing so will allow the needy person to have even greater rewards that last for a much longer period of time.”

Ito also offers some very practical advice for how to date from a secure position. He discusses the value of delaying commitment, knowing when to commit, and even provides examples of insecure versus secure text messages.

The second part of Ito’s book reads like a handbook for how to love and live like a secure person. He begins with the behaviors to avoid: criticizing, complaining, arguing, interrogating, talking about problems, giving long explanations, defending and apologizing, nagging, and avoiding the neediness rejection cycle. He then offers ten practical steps for finding a good life-partner, such as identifying your needs and getting them met before entering a relationship, and defining exactly what you desire in a match and then becoming the kind of person that your future partner would want to be with.

Ultimately relationship success hinges on taking responsibility for decisions, knowing what you want, knowing how to get what you want, and being willing to do what it takes to get what you want. But love, Ito tells us, is not enough. Instead marriage success depends on how secure people are, how they handle conflicts, and their willingness to maintain their spouse’s attraction to them after they are married. To handle everyday conflicts, Ito offers several helpful tips, including cutting ties with codependent people, preserving good boundaries, and maintaining accurate expectations of our partners.

Learning to let go of neediness and live a secure life doesn’t just help us see our partners in a more balanced light, but also see ourselves for who we really are. As we become more able to take responsibility for our life and happiness, we set ourselves up for success in relationships and in life. Packed with useful tips and practical advice, Jack Ito’s new book offers the kind of hands-on guidance needed to let go of unhealthy patterns and create the relationships and lives we want.

Overcome Neediness and Get The Love You Want
Loving Solutions, August 2016
Paperback, 236 pages
$16.95

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Turning New Years Resolutions into Healthy Habits that Last with More Ease and Less Willpower

I just had an animated conversation with my 21 year old nephew who is overseas at golf university. He rang me because he is excited about a breathing technique he has been researching and wanted to know if I knew much about it. I said I would research it too and we can have another conversation soon.

We started talking about his determination to improve his golf, his well-being and his success in life. And the challenges he faces on that path. He spoke of how much he loves practicing golf — how he feels “in the zone” and that this feeling alludes him when the time comes to perform in a graded tournament. How he can be looking at the ball and feel like everything starts to fall apart — he said it spirals downwards and he can’t seem to stop it happening. He gets frustrated and asks himself why he did that. He said sometimes it’s like that with his mood off the golf course too. Many of us can relate to that experience!

He talked about his determination to study hard for his exams but how easily distracted he becomes and how readily he — and so many of us — justify the next 45 minutes we spend on Facebook even though we wish we were doing what we set out to do.

This whole conversation reminded me of our love affair with New Year’s Resolutions and that urge we often feel at this time of year to really commit to our goals with enthusiasm — and the disappointment and frustration with ourselves when it all trickles away to nothing.

I get excited for people like my nephew who have such high awareness of what is going on, and a similarly high level of motivation and determination to “make it work this time” because I know that with the right skills and tools in their hands, they will be able to achieve great things and become the master of their own destiny.

So we talked about what he was doing that was already working. What he knew about mindfulness and how developing the ability — the discipline — to control where you place your attention — removing it from something unhelpful like worry and self-critical thoughts and placing it on something helpful like your steady breath, the golf ball and the visceral memory of what flow feels like — is like getting back into the drivers’ seat of your own mind and life and maintaining that flow under pressure.  

We talked about many of the things I have written about before that help us succeed with our New Year’s Resolutions and as we were talking I realized I wanted to add more emphasis to some parts of the process I had outlined two years ago. I won’t repeat anything I have said before – but do read it, it still applies. This is just fleshing it out a bit more:

The power of visualization:

Visualization helps us achieve our goals in a number of ways.

1: Clarifying our intention

I have already described a process for doing this in a gentler, kinder and more accepting way. This is important so that we are not consolidating an aggressive and rejecting relationship with any part of ourselves in the goals that we set. Clarifying our intention

is not something you only do once, when you are deciding what your New Year’s Resolution is going to be. This is something to do every day. I find the best time to do this is upon waking.

2: Connecting to our personal values:

My nephew spoke of how easily he resisted junk food now that he was living away from home. When we dug a little deeper, it was at least partially because he valued his health and fitness, did not want to undo the good work he does at the gym and didn’t want to waste money when he could cook at home more affordably. Three values he was very clear about. (It was also about being in an environment that supported this action rather than one where he is surrounded by every unhealthy option you can imagine: so review your environment and make sure it is supporting your intention, not undermining it).

If you can visualize your New Year’s Resolution in terms of how it is living any of your deeply held values you will find it easier to act in accordance with those values and stick to the resolution. As my nephew said — it just feels good. This translates into more ease and less willpower required — you are moving towards your values not away from something you crave, which takes an enormous amount of energy on an ongoing basis.  Accomplishing goals often involves sacrificing other things that would distract you from that goal, so being connected to your values is one important way of making sure the sacrifice is worth it.

3: Painting a Picture of Success: Visualize yourself having achieved your goal. Every day. Multiple times a day if possible. For my nephew, he can use the detailed experience of “flow” when he practices to help paint a picture of that happening during tournaments. This is more than the popular notion of “if you dream it, it will come”. This is about using the power of visualization and repetition of that to increase the likelihood that you will accomplish your goal. Every day you show up with clarity and commitment to accomplish to goal. You map out the path to take. You take steps towards that every day.

The power of self compassion:

When my nephew described what happens when he loses his flow on the golf course I was reminded of what I often hear from others — our tendency to respond harshly to ourselves in difficult moments. To reprimand ourselves for not performing well, for making a mistake or for simply not knowing what to do when the important moment arrives.

We know from the work of Kristin Neff that soothing our pain and being supportive towards ourselves makes it far more likely that we will continue to do what it takes to achieve our goal rather than the harsh “tough love” stance we often take towards ourselves. We will be more accepting that mistakes are part of learning and be less thrown into turmoil when they happen along the way. We also know it is associated with lower levels of depressive symptoms, anxiety, rumination, shame, self-criticism, fear of failure, and burnout. Not surprisingly it has also consistently been found to be related to well-being.

Having a “go to” way of soothing ourselves is an important element of any New Year’s Resolution and I recommend the practices I describe here or here as a starting point — putting it into your own words of course.

The power of stable attention and focus:

Like most of us, my nephew feels easily distracted. He WANTS to study but his mind wanders elsewhere. Mindfulness is the best training for regaining choice about where to place your attention because it helps you exercise your attention muscles – and your ability to focus and maintain your focus improves.

Without this ability to attend and focus you are unlikely to accomplish any significant goal. You have to be present to learn things that will help you progress. You have to notice that your attention has wandered so you can gently bring it back.

You can choose to move your attention away from thinking habits like worry, rumination (eg going over past failures) self consciousness ( eg performance anxiety) or self criticism — and place it back on your goal mastery. These thinking habits make us psychologically vulnerable and undermine our best selves. But with training in mindfulness and self compassion, they can be shifted.

The power of gratitude and celebration:

One of the things that often short circuits our New Year’s Resolutions is a feeling of lack. Of scarcity. Our mind has a negativity bias and its’ default state is one where it scans for problems to fix. Noticing the gap between where we are and where we want to be can be depressing! If we dwell on the gap the way our mind naturally does, we can quickly find ourselves feeling dispirited and like it’s all too hard.  We might give up.

If, on the other hand, we celebrate each success along the way with gratitude, soaking up the positives of that, we increase the likelihood that we will maintain our motivation towards the intention we have set — because it feels good! Revisiting our intention and the values it brings to life in the same way infuses our whole journey with positivity.

After all, it’s about the journey as well as the destination — so why not make it feel as good as it can along the way, especially as that will help you succeed.

May your New Year’s Resolutions bring out the best in you — with much greater ease.

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7 Ways to Taper Exhausting People

How much different would life be if that exhausting person wasn’t a constant source of frustration? Whether the person is a family member, colleague, neighbor or friend, just being around them can spark anxiety over the pending apprehension. Exhaustion can come from being too needy, controlling, manipulative, demanding, passive-aggressive, selfish, entitled, clingy, argumentative, restrictive, secretive or abusive.

It is normal to be physically overwhelmed from long hours at work children, overloading of electronic stimulus, unmet expectations, disappointments, and rejections. But the exhaustion from dealing with draining people is much deeper. Unfortunately sometimes it is impossible to completely eliminate the person a life but it might be possible to taper their intensity. So this year, instead of adding one more thing to an overburdened schedule, try diminishing the exhausting people.

1. Define Relationship. One of the many ways an exhausting person can be overwhelming is by crossing over from being colleagues into friendship or from extended family into the inner family circle. Looking at the diagram, decide the ideal placement for the exhausting person. This can change over time as the relationship improves or deteriorates.
2. Set Boundaries. The inner circle of influence should have people who have the most access to information and are safe for vulnerability. Each circle outside of the inner one should have decreasing levels of intimacy. This simple boundary setting limits an exhausting person’s influence.
3. Limit Expectations. Accordingly, expectations for a person within the inner circle should be greater than one outside of the circle. Once a person has violated a standard such as fidelity or trustworthiness, they should be moved from one level into an outer one.
4. Self-protect. A heart is something to be treasured and protected. It should not be giving away to anyone who asks for it. These circles help to maintain a healthy protective shell without cutting off everyone for one person’s mistake.
5. Test Status. Before a person is moved from an outer circle to an inner one, test them. This could be as simple as giving them a bit of information to see if they gossip about it with colleagues. Or it could be checking out a person on social media to see if they are a safe person.
6. Go Slow. In an age of instant gratification and immediate social media friendships, the concept of entering a new relationship with hesitation and caution is lost. But there are huge benefits to observing a person in a variety of environments for a period of time before entering into a relationship.
7. Have Cut-offs. There should be some set of absolute rules that apply to all relationships across the board. For instance, abusive behavior will not be tolerated. If a person engages in such behavior, they are warned one time and then the second time are cut-off. There are no second or third chances with abuse.

Placing names of people in the chart is an excellent way to evaluate current relationships. Then draw arrows by the names indicating where they would be better placed. This can be modified as time goes on and trust is reestablished. It is a good idea to review this chart at least once a year to keep exhausting people from infiltrating into the inner circles.

Christine Hammond is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor and a National Certified Couselor who lives in Orlando and is the award-winning author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook.

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Population Differences in Androgens Fail to Support Differential-K Theory

A recent paper attempts to test predictions of Differential-K Theory about race differences using data on population differences in androgens.Close examination of this data shows that the predictions fail....

Dutton, E., van der Linden, D., & Lynn, R. (2016) Population differences in androgen levels: A test of the Differential K theory. Personality and Individual Differences, 289-295. info:/

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Should I Get Off My Antidepressants?

I have been suffering from depression for four years and have been on medication and attending off and on therapy for about two now. I have noticed my bad days aren’t so bad now, but my good days aren’t as good either. About 9 months ago I started a new medication and have noticed a lack of appetite, sex drive, and passion for anything in general, as well as consistent nausea when I do eat, so I’ve been considering weening off of them. I have a family history of mental disorders, and have been diagnosed with Major Depression, but I’m tired of feeling numb. Do you believe discontinuing my medication would be beneficial for me?

A. It could be beneficial or it could be harmful to stop taking your antidepressants. You should consider both the pros and cons before making a decision.

Some of the pros might be that you would no longer experience the side effects of the medication. You may no longer feel numb. This is known as emotional blunting and it is common among certain antidepressant medications. It would be good to have your full range of emotions restored.

However, a possible con is that the returning emotions might be unpleasant. One criticism of antidepressant medication is that it doesn’t treat the root of the problem. Some say that it only masks the problem. If that is true, then the problems or negative emotions that motivated you to begin antidepressant medication could return.

Another consideration is that you could be feeling better because of the medicine. It’s not uncommon for people to think, “I feel better now so I no longer need the medication.” Once you stop your symptoms could return. They may not, but it’s a possible outcome.

If you decide to stop your medication, it is strongly recommended that you discuss it with your prescribing physician, who can supervise the titration process. You should also attend regular psychotherapy appointments. Many people overcome depression with therapy alone.

Take your time. Discuss your options with your prescribing physician and your therapist and only make a decision when you have thoroughly considered all problems and prospects. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Should I Get Off My Antidepressants?

I have been suffering from depression for four years and have been on medication and attending off and on therapy for about two now. I have noticed my bad days aren’t so bad now, but my good days aren’t as good either. About 9 months ago I started a new medication and have noticed a lack of appetite, sex drive, and passion for anything in general, as well as consistent nausea when I do eat, so I’ve been considering weening off of them. I have a family history of mental disorders, and have been diagnosed with Major Depression, but I’m tired of feeling numb. Do you believe discontinuing my medication would be beneficial for me?

A. It could be beneficial or it could be harmful to stop taking your antidepressants. You should consider both the pros and cons before making a decision.

Some of the pros might be that you would no longer experience the side effects of the medication. You may no longer feel numb. This is known as emotional blunting and it is common among certain antidepressant medications. It would be good to have your full range of emotions restored.

However, a possible con is that the returning emotions might be unpleasant. One criticism of antidepressant medication is that it doesn’t treat the root of the problem. Some say that it only masks the problem. If that is true, then the problems or negative emotions that motivated you to begin antidepressant medication could return.

Another consideration is that you could be feeling better because of the medicine. It’s not uncommon for people to think, “I feel better now so I no longer need the medication.” Once you stop your symptoms could return. They may not, but it’s a possible outcome.

If you decide to stop your medication, it is strongly recommended that you discuss it with your prescribing physician, who can supervise the titration process. You should also attend regular psychotherapy appointments. Many people overcome depression with therapy alone.

Take your time. Discuss your options with your prescribing physician and your therapist and only make a decision when you have thoroughly considered all problems and prospects. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Psychology Around the Net: December 31, 2016

Happy New Year, sweet readers!

For a variety of understandable reasons, I know many of you are glad to see 2016 end.

The other night, I was talking (ranting) to my beau about how horrible this year has been and how I can’t wait for it to end because it just can’t get any worse when — BOOM! — common sense knocked me right upside the noggin mid-sentence.

1. Sure, some bad things have happened, but so have some good. I am sad some of my favorite actors and musicians died. I am elated none of my family and friends died.
2. Yes, it can get worse. The world didn’t end. As long as you’re still alive, you can find — or create — some happiness for yourself and for others.
3. Every year brings its own mix of good and bad. When the clock strikes 12:01 a.m. January 1, 2017, trust and believe that a whole new mix of good and bad awaits. Happiness, joy, success, misery, disappointment, defeat — none of them rely on our piddly little time system to make their arrival.

Ah, perspective.

With that in mind, let’s dive into some of this week’s latest on the why we need to stop saying 2016 was the worst year ever, the role your brain plays in sabotaging resolutions, what you should look for when you travel memory lane (and why), and more!

Stop Saying That 2016 Was the ‘Worst Year’: Max Roser, an economist and media critic at the University of Oxford, explains why “Americans have such a negative view,” basically pointing the finger at a lack of knowledge about the changing world due to current media structure (i.e. focusing on negative news as quickly as possible) and warning that “if we are not aware of our history and produce and demand only the information on what goes wrong, we risk to lose faith in one another.”

Why Your Brain Makes New Year’s Resolutions Impossible to Keep: “This phenomenon—using how we feel in the moment to predict how we will feel in the future—is called affective forecasting. And it makes sense: When you make a New Year’s resolution, you feel good about it at that moment, so you predict that you are going to feel good about it in the future. But when you actually go to do that resolution, the action itself doesn’t make you feel good (or at least not as good as sitting on the couch makes you feel). So you put it off.”

10 Tips for Setting and Sticking to Goals in 2017: So, on the above note, what are some ways we can set the best goals for us and achieve them (and remember that slipping up isn’t the end).

What You Should Reflect On When You Look Back at the Past Year: Here’s something to think about as you plan your itinerary for your next stroll down memory lane: a new study found that people who focused on positive aspects of their pasts — such as certain problem-solving achievements and the moments during which they defined their identity — “have higher self-esteem, self-efficacy, and a general sense of meaning in life.”

2017: Wellness, Health and Happiness: Several top wellness experts weigh in on how we can focus on — and succeed at — improving our health, healing, and happiness in the year to come.

10 Must-Read Brain Science And Psychology Studies Of 2016: Get a quick rundown of some of 2016’s most interesting studies including the relationship between marijuana and the fight against Alzheimer’s, genetic links to depression and happiness, why it’s so hard to break your dependency to sugar, and more.

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One Trait Successful People Share

“Life Begins at the End of Your Comfort Zone”

The one trait successful people have is that they are willing to put up with being uncomfortable to get what they want. Successful people come up with ways to manage the uncertainty that makes them uncomfortable when they start something new and want to turn back.

Whether the end goal is a new lifestyle, job change, starting a new business, moving, or going back to school the road to end goal is tough. It can be characterized by self-doubt, regret, financial hardships, loss of social contact, anxiety, and sadness. But the reality is that all change, progress, and exciting things happen to you when you step outside of your comfort zone. That sounds easy enough — step outside of what you are comfortable with and the result will be amazing. However, the reality is somewhat uncomfortable, at least at first.

When you do something like leave the stable job you dislike to pursue your life dream it is hard. Exiting a job, even voluntarily, is emotionally grueling. It is frightening. It causes anxiety, and can even cause you to question your identity. Job separation, regardless of the events surrounding it, causes discomfort.

The reason is that discomfort or uneasiness happens when you have two or more conflicting thoughts. For example, there is a conflict between the need to separate from a miserable job to realize your life goal to be a nurse versus the need for stable income, belongingness, and identity. In another example, if you want to move to a new city you might find that you have conflict between the familiar and safe versus the risk of the new people and places. Change is scary. Unfamiliar faces and new responsibilities are unnerving. However, if all of us abandoned all changes immediately, because we were not comfortable right off the bat progress would be impossible.

The key is to manage the discomfort now so you can be in a better place a year down the road. So, how do we handle the discomfort now to get what we want in the future? First off,

“Don’t Call it a Dream, Call it a Plan”

1. State what you want clearly in one sentence. Don’t over think it. Just write in down.
2. Develop a plan. Dreams are business plans put into action.
3. Exercise regularly. Exercise helps you handle uncertainty. It manages anxiety and eases depression. It increases your self-confidence and self-esteem. The bottom line is this: people who work out make more money than people who do not. People that exercise tend to be leaders. They also express greater overall life satisfaction – probably because they use exercise to handle the discomfort that comes with change, progress, and goal achievement.
4. Celebrate the small victories. Relish in the daily victories. At the end of each week, document your achievements.
5. Acknowledge your defeats. Accept responsibility. Figure out why they happened, and state what you learned from them. Make the necessary changes in your plan. Move on. Rumination or sitting around thinking about what happened will get you nowhere.
6. Seek out the right social support. Surround yourself with people that can help you achieve your goal, have similar lifestyles or jobs, and support you to change.
7. Minimize expenses. Successful people manage money well. When you are starting a new venture the last thing you need is a ton of bills piling up. Cut out unnecessary expenses. You will be amazed by how liberating it is!
8. Remind yourself why you are pursuing the dream and making the change. You will second guess yourself. When you do state plainly why you want to pursue the goal, and revisit why you were not fully satisfied with you prior life.

Change is uncomfortable, but it is a part of success. Successful people tolerate the discomfort and manage it knowing that it will not last forever and there is a reward at the end.

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Why Am I Keeping Old Messages and Social Media from an Emotionally Abusive Ex?

From the U.S.: I left an emotionally abusive relationship about one year ago. After going through therapy and doing some reading and research, I’ve read about the importance of making a completely clean break. Though I haven’t spoken to the individual in over a year, I’ve left connections on social media open and haven’t deleted text messages from the person.

After the breakup, there were several instances where he tried to harass me in the first six months of our breakup. (However, it has been quiet recently). Because of this, I’m hesitant to delete this information from my phone and sever these ties, especially if I ever need to take legal action against the individual. Is there anything wrong with leaving these ties open? Am I better off deleting these messages and severing these ties? And, if I do sever the ties and something happens, am I setting myself up for further issues legally? (Is there anything wrong with keeping a record?)

Thanks for your help!

A: It sounds to me that you are clear that the relationship is over and that you would delete the messages if you were equally clear about the legal consequences of doing so. I therefore encourage you to consult with a lawyer. Your question at this point is a legal, not a psychological, one. Take care of yourself by getting the advice you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Surviving Infidelity Requires the Partner Who Strayed to Feel Genuine Remorse

There are many practical reasons why men and women who have an affair outside of their committed relationships might wish to reverse course, reconcile, and move forward with their legitimate partner.

Affairs frequently turn messy and almost always leave emotional destruction in their wake, especially if children are caught in the middle. Children too, have many issues when their family is afflicted with infidelity.

On top of the pain the betrayer inflicts, romantic liaisons can give rise to many practical hardships. These include financial entanglements, career and professional repercussions, health-related consequences, and social and community fallout.

No wonder if after “John” betrays his commitment to “Sue,” or vice versa, he might awaken one morning with a cold sweat of regret.

But it’s not enough.

If John merely wants to reestablish his relationship with Sue because he bemoans the negative chain reaction that his behavior has set in motion, this is insufficient, and Sue should have no part of it. As much as she might covet a return to her pre-infidelity relationship with John, there are important steps that he first must take if he is to be forgiven and if there is to be a realistic chance to repair and rebuild their couple. For John to just, “kiss and make up” is not enough to ensure a healthy future for him and his family.

Importantly, John must feel genuine remorse — in his heart — and recognize that the affair was wrong, a betrayal of the commitment implicit in his relationship with Sue, and deeply hurtful to her.

After many years of counseling couples whose relationships have been fractured by infidelity, I have identified 7 Survival Steps, which if carefully followed by both partners, provide the best chance of avoiding dissolution of the relationship. In fact, these 7 Survival Steps offer a path to move forward together as a caring, dedicated, and respectful couple.

Step #3, which I discuss in this article, is: The Partner Who Strayed Must Feel Genuine Remorse for His or Her Betrayal. [You can view all of my prior Psych Central articles on infidelity and other topics here: http://ift.tt/2igqaQ3]

For the sake of illustration, I use the names “John” and “Sue” when writing about infidelity. They are a fictional couple but represent a composite of many men and women who I’ve helped over the years. The examples I provide would be no different if the roles were reversed and it was John who was betrayed and Sue who strayed.

Too often, individuals who have an affair regret getting caught or regret hurting their partner, children, and other loved ones. They tell me time and again, “I never intended to cause so much damage.”

But before John and Sue can move on to the next of the 7 Survival Steps, John must take as much time as necessary to weigh his behavior and truly, to the depth of his bones, recognize that what he did was wrong and hurtful.

John must see firsthand how he has injured his wife. In essence, he must be prepared to experience Sue’s pain and to recognize the pain he has caused others and his family. To aid him, John and Sue together may want to work with an experienced and caring relationship specialist.

For many couples working alone and attempting to give John the necessary awareness of what Sue has been going through so he will have genuine remorse, can lead to arguing and further unintended injuries. That’s why a trained therapist is often necessary to keep things calm and safe.

In words and deeds, John must demonstrate genuine contrition for his actions. Anything less will not suffice.

The purpose of Step #3 is not to punish John or stigmatize him. The goal, above all others, is to prevent a reoccurrence. Only if, and when, John truly feels the error of his ways, can both John and Sue believe it is possible he will never again violate his commitment to her.

The final portion of Step # 3 is for John to ask Sue for forgiveness. In some cases, the partner who strays begins asking to be forgiven from Day One. But such requests are insufficient and don’t reflect an enlightened understanding of what the partner is requesting to be forgiven for. An initial apology and request for forgiveness is a good start. However there is much more work to be done if trust and love are to be reestablished.

John needs to do the work necessary to fully grasp the damage his bad behavior has caused. When Sue senses that he truly understands only then can she begin to feel there is hope for the two of them together. When John senses Sue’s “hope,” only then can he too begin to have hope himself that as a couple they will recover and he will be forgiven.

Are you or a family member struggling to cope with the aftermath of infidelity? I offer other helpful articles at SurvivingInfidelity.info.

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How Emotional Hangovers Affect Your Memory

Emotional events cause neurotransmitters to flood the brain, which affects what we remember.

Dr Jeremy Dean's ebooks are:

• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything

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Living Your Legacy Each Day

2016 is a year that many will recall as a time of mass exodus from the planet. On social media, comments have focused on how people couldn’t wait for the calendar page to turn, as if that had anything to do with the celebrity death toll. They would vent their sorrow and frustration, using expletives that would leave readers with no doubt about their sentiments. It was as if the Grim Reaper was wearing a banner with the year draped across it and a come-hither/menacing look on his face as he wielded his scythe.

According to Snopes, “While a large number of celebrities certainly passed away in 2016, the Reporter, Legacy.com, and The Telegraph all counted more celebrity deaths in 2016 than in the previous three years, but this year ranked second, third, or even fourth among that group according to other news outlets.”

As the year began, David Bowie, Alan Rickman, Glen Frey, Abe Vigoda, Edgar Mitchell and Harper Lee took their leave. Throughout the rest of the seasons, Nancy Reagan, Prince, Phife Dawg, Patty Duke, Merle Haggard, Doris Roberts, Muhammed Ali, Eli Wiesel, Janet Reno, Leonard Cohen, Sharon Jones and Florence Henderson joined them. George Michael, Carrie Fisher and Debbie Reynolds ended the 12 months, leaving heartbreaking sadness in their wake.

Chalk it up to the fact that many who have passed are in a demographic in which death might be expected and that some whose ending of this earthly incarnation may have been hastened by addiction that had taken its toll.

We are also a world in which celebrities feel even more personal and intimate than those who are in our daily lives, so that when one dies, we may react as if we have lost someone in our inner circles.

In an interview with The Huffington Post, David Kaplan, Ph.D., chief professional officer of the American Counseling Association explained. “We grow up with these people. We see their movies, we hear their music on a regular basis and we really get to know them. In a sense, they become a member of our family — especially the ones we really like — so when they die, it’s like an extended member of our family dies. It’s somebody we feel like we know.”

How Do You Want to Live?

A few years ago, I had a conversation with a college friend named Gina Foster. She made a comment about endeavoring to “live significantly”.  I loved that intention and wrote it down and had it displayed on the bulletin board in my office at the psychiatric hospital where I had been employed as a social worker. Occasionally patients would notice it and I would use that as an opportunity to remind them that they, and every other being on the planet, matters.

The truth as I know it, is that each of us came here with a purpose and it is our creative challenge in each lifetime is to determine what that is. Some of us knew instantly what it was and for others, it takes much longer to uncover-recover-discover our passion. I always knew that mine lay in the creative writing realm. For me, books were treasures-toys-candy all in one and in elementary school, I began writing stories and scribe poetry. In college, I started journaling and I have some from my 20’s; looking at them in amazement that I still face some of the same issues, as a woman old enough to be the mother of that younger version of myself. Blessedly, I have moved past some of those worn out, dysfunctional beliefs.

Wisdom from His Holiness the Dalai Lama

I recall something that The Dalai Lama expressed when I interviewed him in 2008. I had asked him about the legacy he wanted to leave. 

His adamant response, “No, no, no. Many years ago, a New York Times journalist asked me that question. I told her, as a Buddhist practitioner, not allowed. If I take serious my legacy, that means self-centered. So, I answer that and then again that lady asked a second time and I answered same way and then a third time and then I lost my temper. If you ask, I may lose my temper. (Laughter followed.) Your motivation should be sincere and your life should be of benefit to some people. That is the main thing. Don’t care after my death.”

For me, a legacy isn’t about ego gratification or how I will be remembered. It is about doing good for its own sake, about practicing tikkun olam; which means “the repair of the world,” in Hebrew. It is about being an example of loving kindness, of being the first one to reach out. It calls on us each day to do more than merely exist. We can take up space or we can make a difference.

I have also observed that people who have a purpose and live from that place, are less likely to be depressed or addicted. I have seen “unreasonable” happiness trump fear and dysfunction.

I had inquired about the legacy people in my personal and professional circles wanted to leave. None of them seemed ego-entrenched, but more of a sense of desiring to make a difference.

• “She made a positive difference in the world.”
• “She continued to be an activist for justice for all.”
• “She taught thousands of people how to grow their own food and how to cherish the planet we live on.”
• “He was funny as hell, a character, and a loving and giving man.”
• “Ultimately our legacy doesn’t belong to us — the impression we have on others never does. The more important thing is how we reconcile the legacy and mythology of ourselves that we carry with us as we live and how we are willing and able to allow that to evolve.”
• “For the past 30 years, I had chosen 2 songs for my passing celebration that represented me and recently realized that they no longer are logical choices because I keep growing and making choices. I don’t feel an attachment to legacy. I would simply enjoy knowing that when I’m remembered, people smile.”
• “Once it was overheard about me, “no one works harder”. I did not want that to be my legacy so I set out to change it. What a ride! I hope now people will think of me as big hearted and kind, generous and that I affected at least one other life in a positive manner. Then I will be satisfied.”
• “She did the damn thing on HER terms, and left a trail of glitter behind her, which inevitability left the world more beautiful than how she found it.”
• “I would like to be remembered as a funny, passionate & kind person and someone who was as excited with life as a 13-year-old girl at a Beatles concert.”
• “I want my legacy to be all the smiles and laughs I caused through my crazy life transition from a bra-burning revolutionary to a suburban 70s mom to a single woman who found her place in clowning, music and puppets that bring joy to friends, family and people who need a laugh. My legacy is ridiculousness”
• “My legacy lies with my children…and perhaps in a publication or two. I hope that love is the message”
• “I would like it to be said of me that she loved well, she learned something new every day, that she lived authentically, and she was a force to be reckoned with.”
• “One of love”
• “The biggest thing that I would like people to think of when they remember my name – is how I made them feel. This journey is about visceral experiences. If I can empower someone to feel and then helped them to gently express their feelings in a heart centered way, then I have aligned with my true purpose.”
• “Truthteller is how to remember me.”

Singer-songwriter Charley Thweatt penned a poignant piece that reminds us that we will all die someday and “what matters is how we live.”

How will you live?

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Forget the “New Year, New Me” Goal Hype – Consider Focusing on Life Habits Instead

Adults and teens alike often achieve results by setting goals and taking actionable steps to reach those goals. But what if you can find a better way to help you accomplish your dreams? Instead of focusing on short-term goals, teens can learn how to set good habits that will carry them through life, which will naturally propel them toward achieving their goals.

Defining the Difference between Setting Goals and Learning Life Habits

Most adults and teens understand what it means to set a goal. Whether you want to learn a new language, lose 20 pounds, write a book or train for a 5K, you set a goal and then take action to reach your dream. You evaluate what you need to do to reach that goal, such as buying books on the language, listening to podcasts or CDs, watching YouTube videos, visiting a foreign country or taking college classes.

However, you can instead try a different approach — instill in your teen the value of life-long learning. He will then place a high priority on learning a new language. By emphasizing the habit instead of the goal, he will easily achieve the goal. The habit includes setting up a disciplined system to follow to accomplish any goal in life. Instead of viewing each goal as a separate dream, your teen will learn effective life skills that will serve him in whatever he does.

Developing Life Habits

If your teen focuses on life habits, such as continuing education, then he will keep learning, even if he doesn’t set a specific goal, such as speaking conversational Spanish in 18 months. Simply by disciplining himself and spending time studying for 30 to 60 minutes each day, for example, as part of developing good habits, he will learn what he sets his mind to learn, in this case, how to speak Spanish. Instead of working toward a goal, he is committing to a process. Goals have a much more immediate and urgent feel while the process allows you to focus on long-term, personal development. Furthermore, in many cases, goals might depend on something that is out of your control. Habits help you see progress while goals help you plan that progress.

Habits of Effective Teens

Author Sean Covey further outlines this process in his bestselling book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, modeled after his father’s book, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People, which focuses on adults and has sales of more than 15 million copies. Sean claims that teens should implement the following habits in order to be successful.

• Set Priorities
  Time management and prioritizing activities helps teens focus and finish what they need to do. By putting first things first, they will be able to move forward past difficult situations and develop persistence during the tough times.
• Consider the Goal and End Result
  If you don’t know what you want from life, you will not be able to achieve your goals. Focus on setting a life vision statement that can guide you and help you determine if you are taking the right steps to move you toward the person who you want to be and that help you reach your goals.
• Live Proactively
  A proactive life will move a teen toward successful living. This means that your son will need to own his life and take responsibility for his actions. He alone is responsible for his feelings and can take steps to improve his situation.
• Develop an Attitude of Win-Win even in Difficult Situations
  Win-win means that there are no losers — everyone comes out ahead. Brainstorm solutions that benefits all parties as much as possible. By rethinking their approach, your teen will learn the art of compromise. You can instill some of this at home by making suggestions that help your teen understand how both of you can win in discussions, such as curfew, chores and responsibilities and privileges.
• Work to Understand Others
  When your teen understands others, they will be more likely to reciprocate and work to understand him. Teach him how to actively listen as the foundation of effective communication.
• Cooperate to Obtain Better Results
  Synergy means that two or more people work together to accomplish something greater than any of them can alone. This teaches teens that everyone brings different gifts to the table that enhance the end result.
• Refresh and Renew
  Rest and take breaks in order to avoid burnout and perform at your peak levels.

By learning good habits, teens can establish a productive foundation for their lives. They can continue to build on this foundation toward a successful future.

Resources:

http://ift.tt/2hTPZCt. Wood, Danielle. May 31, 2013.

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