I’m Drawn to Death

All my life I’ve been the outcast and honestly I prefer it that way. But I quickly realised that I’m different. I don’t really feel much. I don’t feel guilty or sorry for people and I knew it wasn’t normal for a boy at the age of 7 to be obsessed with murder and crime and killers. I knew I had to adapt and not draw attention to myself. So I created what you could say an act, a fake person. A role I had to commit to in order to seem as though I conformed, that I fit in. However, as i got older, I began to become cold and bitter but had to hide it. I wouldn’t say I’m a psychopath or anything of the sorts. I do share some similar attributes, for example I’m good at manipulating people, I’m smarter than average and I suppose in some senses i am fairly narcissistic though it pains me to say. I also like to consider that the person I am around people is confident and charismatic. All of this I have become accustom to. It is day to day life for me now. But as I come close to completing school, I realise that I’m drawn to death. The idea of killing someone is about the only thing that interests me and even for me that is worrying. The last thing I want to do is act upon such urges and find myself in prison for the rest of my life. I know this isn’t normal behaviour for any normal, functioning person but this is a last resort I suppose to really see if there is anything I can do before its too late. (From England)

A:  The fact that this bothers you is important. This irritation in your thinking is coming from a healthy place and I would honor that if I were in your shoes. This is often how true change begins. Several of the things you describe about the other aspects of your personality are being monitored by this worry. It takes great courage to be aware of that and admit it. Now it is time to take the next step and talk to a therapist about where these urges come from. I’d do this sooner rather than later.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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