So my girlfreind has BPD and self harm issues, she tried to commit suicide as well, and is very impulsive and rebellious, its hard for me because I dont want to be like her mom but i cant let her do things that are self destructive, i really care about her alot and really love being with her and she dosent pressure me ounce i say no, but i worry about her and how im going to spend my life with her, i was never unhappy before and she makes me happy but its also just so much stress and a lot on my plate, i cant imagine life without her but i dont know how im going to keep doing this, i just want to see her be healthy and it hurts that i never had. she isnt abusive or mean shes always sweet and nice, im just worried about her and its extremely stressfull having to constantly worry about what shell do when im not their, she cuts herself and burns herself sometimes and i dont even know what to do, im just a kid (15 i lied on the thing) i tell her how amazing she is constantly but she just cant see herself the way i see her, i cant imagine why she would ever hurt herself. anyways i guess my concern is that i just dont know how i can spend my life with her because its hard to be happy when shes always so depressed, but i dont want to be without her.
This is a very challenging situation because you are asking essentially how you can prevent someone else from engaging in harmful behaviors. The reality is you can’t. You can’t control another person’s behavior. You can’t help your girlfriend in the manner that you would like because she requires the help of mental health professionals. Laypersons are not mental health professionals and thus should not try to treat mental health problems.
The best thing you can do is encourage her to seek professional help. You might even search the Internet and locate a provider who can help. You should also speak to her parents and ask for their assistance, regarding treatment.
What is especially concerning is that she engages in self-harm behavior and has tried to end her life. That behavior is exceedingly concerning. If she might harm herself or someone else, report this to her parents, your parents, a mental health crisis team and/or the authorities immediately. Her instability and impulsivity may cause her to engage in dangerous or deadly acts.
Regarding suicidality, research shows that most suicides are impulsive, done on a whim. People don’t suddenly become suicidal necessarily; however, sometimes they make a decision to end their lives and act quickly, without much forethought. Research also indicates that most people who attempt suicide don’t want to die. They are simply attempting to end their psychological pain. This is a serious problem that requires professional help. This is yet another reason why you should report what you know to adults and or the authorities. She needs more help than you can provide.
Regarding your relationship, I understand your desire to be with her despite her problematic behavior but individuals who are mentally unstable have difficulty in relationships. It’s important for her to gain mental stability before she can effectively participate in a relationship. Encourage her to seek treatment and support her as much as you can. Don’t expect her to be relationship-ready at this time.
If you struggle with this situation, consult a therapist. It would help you to know how to interact with her. If you can, take a step back from the relationship and work on supporting her and her efforts to get treatment. That’s the best and most kind thing you can do at this time. It’s also worth repeating that should she ever become a danger to herself or others, call for help immediately. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
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