I have been dealing with a major depressive disorder since I was 12 (I am now 20) and I have been medicated for about 5 years, but I feel like it has taken a turn. Instead of being depressed, I feel like I am about to go crazy, and instead of wanting to retreat to my bed, I want to be impulsive and go do drugs and other crazy things. I feel things so deeply all of the time that I feel that absolutely no one in the world understands me. I am in a constant state of loneliness and I am so starved of intimacy in so many ways, whether emotional or not, but I do not know if it is a defense mechanism. I tend to feel so important and smart that no one will ever understand me or even begin to understand the way that I think or feel. It’s like, I feel like the greatest person alive and because of it, I am the loneliest person alive? I have always constantly kept things to myself, but I feel like I can explode with how many emotions are inside of me. I am so lonely and alone that I feel like I could die. I feel like I am so far deep into my own brain that I’m losing my mind, I don’t even feel like I am living in reality. I constantly dream or think about memories and times and people and it like haunts me. I constantly am thinking, all of the time, never stopping. When I close my eyes, I see memories and it hurts. I feel trapped in my own head. It feels like more than depression. I feel like I am absolutely insane. I talk to myself constantly, I feel like I am in a movie because I feel like if I pretend someone is watching I feel less crazy. I feel like for such a long time, I deprived myself of feeling things, and now it is all coming out. I have no idea what to do but I am very distressed. Am I bipolar? Or manic or something? All I know is that I do not feel normal. The weird thing is that even at the end of it all, I still tend to romanticize everything I am feeling and I have no idea why even though I am suffering. (From the USA)
It takes a great deal of courage to notice our own difficult patterns and express them to others. What you are describing sounds hard to cope with and difficult to manage. Just by describing and asking for help, you have demonstrated your significant persistence and resilience in dealing with these ongoing concerns. This ability is an essential ingredient in learning how to self-regulate these thoughts. I am very glad you’ve written to us here at Psych Central.
Being medicated for five years and struggling with depression through your entire teen years must have been very difficult. But at 20 the demands on you have changed intellectually, socially, emotionally, and physically. In taking on the role of an adult you have new challenges and goals. It is time for you to get an updated evaluation. I would highly recommend a neuropsychologist, clinical psychologist, and/or psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse to do an evaluation. A neurologist or psychologist can do specific psychological testing to help determine not only what is going on, but also what is needed for treatment. These tests are more comprehensive in scope and can help to uncover the patterns and skills that are both problematic and potentially helpful. A psychiatrist or psychiatric nurse can do an evaluation and make recommendations.
This initial stage of assessment should then be followed with some individual therapy to help develop skills to ground and center you, and give you back a sense of self-control.
As you mention you are a sophomore in college in your profile submitted with your question the easiest place to begin the evaluation and therapy is with your university’s counseling center. Typically they have access to all of the people in the community who can offer what I am recommending.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral
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