Loss of Sexual Attraction in Marriage

I am a 34 year old woman and I’ve been married for 5 years, no kids. About 3 years ago I had some stressful events in my life and became somewhat depressed. I soon began to discover I’ve lost my libido and could not feel any sexual attraction towards anyone. I still continued to make love to my husband for about a year but I had little pleasure for it and our sexual encounters became less and less frequent till they stopped. My husband seemed very supportive, understood the issue and become more focused on his career/hobbies while we maintained platonic relationship. Since about 6-8 months I began to feel sexual desire again and I started to imagine myself as having sex again, but I felt awkward to push things in that direction, since we’ve been so used to act as just friends. I finally got over my fears and proposed sex to my husband, but he kept finding an excuse. Eventually we had a big fight and he told me that he no longer loves me as a woman, doesn’t find me attractive anymore and he wants to split and see other women. I am devastated, because I love him and because I feel guilty that I’m the one who caused the whole problem. Is there anything I can do about it? Thank you very much!

A:  Thank you for reaching out. From the information you indicated in your email to me, it appears the relationship might be beyond repair. If your husband is not at all willing or open to the idea of working through these issues then you will need to begin the process of moving on. If he is open to the idea, I would recommend attending couples therapy. Couples therapy will provide the two of you with a safe space to speak frankly about the state of your relationship and explore if it is possible that it could be salvaged. It is not likely that the entire issue lies with what occurred sexually in your relationship. If your husband told you that he was OK with the way things were and appeared supportive at the time, his reaction now is not consistent. It is possible that he was dishonest about his feelings before and that resentment has built up over the years. The blame does not all lie with you. I wish you the best of luck in moving forward in whichever direction is the most appropriate for you.

Dr. Mimi

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