Getting Married? Couples Counseling Can Help Your Love Last

Premarital counseling might seem like the last item you want on your wedding to-do list, but consider it the best gift to your marriage. Couples counseling isn’t just for those in crisis, or who are experiencing relationship difficulties. Learning to equip your relationship early on with strong communication, compromise, and problem-solving skills will help your marriage thrive.

Premarital couples counseling can help you explore ways you and your future spouse can love intentionally, stop believing damaging relationship lies, or find your way out of a relationship rut.

If There’s No Problem, What Do We Talk About?

Communication can be a good place to start since it is the main way you will share your life with each other. You might start by exploring your communication styles, including how you respond to conflict, how you ask for help, or how you are most comfortable expressing your feelings. It is also helpful to recall each partner’s specific responses during previous arguments and examine how your communication styles affected the outcome.

We can also learn a great deal from how our own families fought. Did your parents avoid difficult topics? Problem-solve effectively? Work towards resolution or cave and build up bitterness and resentment? Simply knowing how you and your partner were taught how to communicate will provide a deep level of empathy and understanding, help keep expectations realistic, and show areas of growth. Couples counseling can be a safe place to talk about any changes you feel you want to make so that your communication, in good times and bad, remains open, honest, and secure.

Moving Forward on the Same Page

Building a life together will involve some huge life decisions and future commitments. Before walking down the aisle is the perfect time for you to talk about how your shared life will ask you to be on the same page or require finding common ground.

Important topics to explore can include: how you spend and save money, how you value spending time together and alone, your personal and professional ambitions, your desire for children, your sexual compatibility, your relationship with your own and each other’s family, your spiritual and religious values, your fears, and your expectations, both big and small — everything from where you expect to be living to how you expect to divide up household chores. This is where couples counseling can be fun and exciting — you’ll learn new things, find new connections, and open up channels of communication you never before knew existed.

I’m Afraid I’ll Learn Something I Don’t Like

A normal hesitation about couples counseling is the fear that one or both partners will discover something that could change, or even ruin, the relationship. If both partners approach couples counseling with openness, generosity, and love — not a desire to punish or change each other — new discoveries should feel exciting and intriguing.

Exploring your individual selves and past experiences with a skilled counselor can bring a delight to learning something new about the person you know best and letting them delight in discovering new parts of you. Understanding how to navigate and, even relish, in personal discoveries will bring a lasting gift: when routine sets in, as it does in all marriages, you’ll take heart in knowing something new is always waiting to be discovered if you take the time and commitment to explore it.

Common Ground, Compassion, and Compatibility

Committing to each other means both enjoying the excitement of blending your lives together while also understanding the challenges that lie ahead. Meeting with a couples counselor can be part of building a solid foundation for your future relationship and doing the work of becoming good partners. Couples counseling doesn’t guarantee that problems won’t arise in your relationship. As you move forward together, you’ll inevitably face surprises, disappointments, and hardships. Now is the time to find ways to face them together with intimacy, compassion, and solid strategies. Of course, couples counseling isn’t always about fixing problems. It can also strengthen what’s already working. And who doesn’t want more of a good thing?

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Just Moved, Depressed

I don’t even know if I’m actually depressed. I think I am… I’ve been told that I am, but I’ve never been diagnosed… How can I know for sure?

I just moved in August, and it’s been Soo hard for me! I so badly want to go back and board in my hometown, but my freaking parents don’t let!! I think that’s why I feel depressed… PLEASE help me!! Thank You!!!! (From the USA)

A:  Your intuition, that you feel depressed about the move, sounds accurate. A move can be very disturbing and your feelings are most likely happening as part of the adjustment.

In your new school there is a counselor who can help you. Talk to him or her about the fact that you are new and having difficulties. This will help. Talking about this with someone who has experience in this sort of thing can help you find ways to deal with these feelings.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Just Moved, Depressed

I don’t even know if I’m actually depressed. I think I am… I’ve been told that I am, but I’ve never been diagnosed… How can I know for sure?

I just moved in August, and it’s been Soo hard for me! I so badly want to go back and board in my hometown, but my freaking parents don’t let!! I think that’s why I feel depressed… PLEASE help me!! Thank You!!!! (From the USA)

A:  Your intuition, that you feel depressed about the move, sounds accurate. A move can be very disturbing and your feelings are most likely happening as part of the adjustment.

In your new school there is a counselor who can help you. Talk to him or her about the fact that you are new and having difficulties. This will help. Talking about this with someone who has experience in this sort of thing can help you find ways to deal with these feelings.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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3 Pervasive, Persistent Myths about Seasonal Affective Disorder

Our society tends to dismiss seasonal affective disorder (SAD). We minimize it. We misunderstand it.

Oh, you just don’t like winter. And who could blame you? Winter is tough on everyone.

Oh, SAD is like the winter blues, right? You get grumpy or moody because you hate the freezing cold.

You’re just in a funk. It happens to a lot of people. It’s totally normal.

How can you feel depressed when the air is so crisp and it’s a winter wonderland out there?

We incorporate SAD into our vocabulary, flippantly using it in conversation. “Similar to someone saying “I can’t make up my mind, it’s like I’m schizophrenic,” or “Costco was out of those socks I love, I’m so depressed,” it’s tempting to trivialize the reality of SAD,” said Stephanie Smith, PsyD, a psychologist in practice in Erie, Colo., who specializes in working with individuals with depression.

“Instead of appreciating it for the real mental illness it is, it becomes ‘Ugh, I hate driving in the snow and ice; it’s like I have SAD.”

In reality, SAD can be devastating. Smith’s clients have described their experience as falling off a cliff. Melanie Greenberg’s clients experience a deep dread as winter approaches. Some feel fatigued and lethargic and have a really hard time getting out of bed and on with their day. “Others describe an emotional heaviness.”

Dr. William Marchand’s clients have described SAD as being kicked in the stomach or having a lead weight inside their stomach. Others have described “a sense that life has lost meaning and there is no joy or pleasure.”

Obviously, there is nothing minor or trivial about that. Below, these depression experts share the specifics behind the most persistent myths about SAD.

Myth: Seasonal affective disorder is disliking the cold, dark days of winter.

“I myself am not a huge fan of winter, but that’s quite different than SAD, which is an actual clinical syndrome made up of several symptoms,” Smith said. These symptoms may include: depression for most of the day every day; lack of pleasure in things previously enjoyed; sleep problems, such as excessive sleep or sleep deprivation; poor concentration; low energy, which makes it hard to get things done; and suicidal thoughts and actions.

SAD can look different in different people. For instance, in this piece on The Mighty, Salaam Green describes how SAD affects her: “My body feels heavy, bloated, and I lose all feeling in my hands and legs throughout the day. My feet hurt and are frozen most days. I pile my body inside comforters, blankets and soft pillows for relief. Most days, I sleep until noon, making it impossible to be productive on my full-time job. I crave sunlight; however, I am much too tired and sick to go for my usual walk and when I do, I am unable to walk very far. My mood with SAD leaves me in a perpetual fog. It’s akin to having a heavy, dim cloud follow you around every day, weighing on your back…”

Other individuals with SAD have described it as everything from a battery that’s slowly draining to a faucet that leaks heavy, thick gasoline to losing a significant other in a car crash.

As Smith reiterated, SAD is, “the real deal in terms of mental illness—not just a pining for flip flops and lemonade.” It’s not a preference. It’s an illness.

Myth: Seasonal affective disorder only happens in the winter.

About 10 percent of people with SAD get sick in the summer. Instead of feeling depressed and drained, they tend to feel more agitated, irritable and restless. They have a hard time concentrating, and struggle with insomnia. Their appetite decreases and they might lose weight. They might appear as though they’re totally fine, experiencing a kind of “smiling depression,” where they’re literally smiling but struggling and crumbling inside, as psychologist Dean Parker noted in this piece.

Summertime SAD is especially frustrating because everyone is expected to feel happy and relaxed as temperatures warm up and the sun comes out. Which only makes people with SAD feel lonelier and more misunderstood.

However, one theory is that it’s precisely too much sunlight that’s to blame. That is, excess sunlight may affect melatonin production,” said Greenberg, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist in Marin county, Calif., and author of The Stress-Proof Brain: Master Your Emotional Response to Stress Using Mindfulness and Neuroplasticity. Melatonin is a hormone that regulates sleep. “Another idea is that people stay up later in the summer, which affects circadian rhythms.”

Because summertime SAD is associated more with feeling manic (versus wintertime SAD), it’s possible there are biological differences between suffers with different onsets, Greenberg said.

Myth: You should be able to pull yourself out of seasonal affective disorder.

“Though there are certainly self-help and self-care strategies that may be beneficial, it is not possible to will the blues away,” said Marchand, M.D., a psychiatrist, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Utah School of Medicine and author of the book Depression and Bipolar Disorder: Your Guide to Recovery. “Like any other medical condition, SAD requires professional treatment.”

The first line of treatment for wintertime SAD is light therapy or phototherapy. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, “The idea behind light therapy is to replace the diminished sunshine of the fall and winter months using daily exposure to bright, artificial light.” For instance, individuals might sit in front of a light box every morning. In this piece, Therese Borchard outlines six types of light therapy, including light boxes and dawn simulators.

Other effective treatments for both wintertime and summertime SAD include psychotherapy, such as cognitive-behavioral therapy, and antidepressants (such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors).

To manage summertime depression, try a day/sleep light; exercise indoors; avoid exposure to sunlight in the afternoons and evenings; and use darkening shades in your home. (Learn more in this article.)

Again, if you think you’re struggling with seasonal affective disorder, the key is to get professional help—and to be kind to yourself. You are struggling with a real, serious condition, which about 14 million Americans struggle with, too. And thankfully, it’s one that can be effectively treated.

And if you don’t have SAD, be kind to those who might, and don’t perpetuate the misconceptions—or the destructive stigma that makes being sick even more devastating and distressing for people with the illness.

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Video: Is Being a Mental Illness Advocate My Entire Identity?

Talkback To Gabe Howard & Psych Central:

Using the comments below, talk about a time when you had to explain that while you live with or advocate for mental illness it’s not all you are. Share how you educated the listener to the differences and helped bridge the gap between the misunderstanding and truth.

‘Mental Illness Identity’ Video Transcript

People often ask me if being mentally ill is my entire identity.  And I can see why they kind of think that. I mean, my entire website, my platform, these vlogs, my podcasts… all of these things are designed around one simple thing:  Gabe Howard lives with bipolar disorder.  So people ask me, “Hey, to become an advocate, do I have to sell my entire identity as a person?  Be someone who only lives with mental illness and nothing else?”

No.

I don’t want my entire life to be all mental health advocacy all the time.  That would just be boring, for one thing.  But I think it would be obsessive, and it could be damaging.  We need breaks.

One of the ways that I avoid letting this just consume me entirely is I make sure that I listen to my friends and family.  I go out and do things that aren’t surrounded by the mental health system.  I go to the movies.  I go have dinner.  I have conversations around other things that are of interest to me.  And this helps me because it’s fun.  And, because I’m having fun, that recharges my battery so that I can tackle difficult topics.

Topics like, “Hey, why are we abusing people with mental illness?  Why are we being blamed for all violence in society?  Where do I stand on this political agenda or this legislation?”  All of that takes a lot of time.  So I need to make sure that I have some down time.  It’s important to have hobbies and interests outside of the mental health field.  It’s important to know people that you don’t talk about mental health advocacy with.  And you talk about anything but. Because you need time to regroup.  It’s important.

I think my close friends and family, my circle, understand that I’m so much more than a mental health advocate.  My name is Gabe Howard.  Visit me on the web down there at GabeHoward.com to learn more about me and watch lots of cool things.  I’ll see you next time.

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Anxious Cough

Don’t know is this is the right place to ask but I’ve had a bad cough sporadically throughout the years. It only occurs when I’m having stressful or anxious thoughts. Mainly whenever I’m anxious is when it occurs. I have generally been someone who has had a lot of anxiety and since the last few weeks I’ve had some difficult personal situations to go through, I have had an increase of stress and anxiety. The cough came back the same time as this rather difficult time. At one point I do believe I had panic attacks a few years back with the cough. Was hard to tell since the cough seemed to mask the sensation of the panic attack but it seemed like it was for sure there. Now I don’t get that, but this time around I have headaches whenever the cough occurs. It doesn’t even really stay after the coughing stops. I would cough for a few minutes and the headache is usually coming and going with the cough. I’ve gone to the doctor several times for this and was tested for asthma, but that came back negative. More and more I’ve noticed it occurs during anxious times/thoughts so that is why I came here, to see if the reason behind it is more psychological.

A. You might try tracking your anxiety and coughing. It might shed light on whether or not there’s a connection or a pattern between the two. Anxiety tends to occur in response to specific behaviors or thoughts. It’s possible that the anxiety and the coughing have become classically or operantly conditioned over time. In that sense, it may be a psychological issue.

It would be advantageous to consult a specialist about this problem. It needs further investigation. Choose a specialist who treats anxiety disorders with behavioral treatments. Behavioral treatments tend to be systematic, rapid and very effective. It could help to break the connection between your anxiety and cough (if the two are connected). Treatment could help you immensely. Thank you for your question. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Existential Despair: A Deeper Cause of Human Anxiety

If every person in the world was temporarily stripped of their daily purpose in life — if they were torn away from their responsibilities and daily routines, like going to work, taking care of children, keeping house, doing laundry — in time there would be global pandemonium.

Most individuals would begin obsessing about all the wrong things and asking unanswerable questions. For example, overthinking life and death — being born from a dark and undefinable void to dying, perhaps unexpectedly, and going back to that same obscure emptiness. Invariably, this kind of weighty musing would lead to the “Who am I?” and “Why are we here?” inquiries which can be intellectual cul de sacs — cognitive dead-ends that lack in utility.

This temporary loss of purpose would create an existential vacuum of anxiety so immense it would make everyone’s head spin. Humans could not handle it. Idle time for the human mind is worse than the devil’s playground. It’s the devil’s penitentiary.

Hence, when you experience this “existential despair,” you are facing your mortal self and the unbearable truth of your finiteness.

That’s why our life’s purpose and the responsibilities of each day, no matter how mundane help us survive. They ground us and prevent us from overthinking our ephemeral, perhaps meaningless existence.

A former patient once told me that in her experience, despite suffering from severe bouts of anxiety and depression, raising her two children forced her to look forward in life. Every graduation she attended, every soccer game, every band practice, every milestone her children achieved, compelled her to be hopeful, not fearful. It made her embrace what was to come. And as you get older, you need that because you are centering on youth instead of your own aging. So for her, mothering was her life purpose at the time. It kept her on track and helped her treat her mental condition.

So if you don’t have focus and structure as you get older, you tend to look backwards at your life more often. Sometimes with regret. You tend to obsess about losses, mistakes and bad choices, etc., with more scrutiny. The existential despair is liable to creep in and make you dissect your past when you have no business doing so.

Self-Absorbed Solipsism

This kind of despair could also inspire a state of solipsism –an obsessed, preoccupation with our own desires, fears and worries to the point of self-absorption. It’s also the unfounded belief that the “self” is the only measure of truth. It’s a misguided, self-indulgent gauge of reality.

As a result, any change that comes your way, any perceived unknown will appear fearful and threatening to you because it’s outside the realm of your tiny, myopic view of yourself and the world. Not having certainty and/or control is unbearable if you are caught up in a solipsistic loop. The ego-centric mind is not always the most open-minded thinker so exiting your comfort zone becomes virtually impossible.

Remember, it’s not the future that scares us, it’s our inability to control it that scares us. Self-absorption also traps us in a neurotic spin of future based thinking, which instigates a great deal of anxiety. Future-based thinking is a dangerous land-mine that gives rise to chronic fear because as we know there are no guarantees to anything.

Solipsistic self-absorption will also make you a little pompous. Suddenly you think that out of the 7.5 billion people in the world, your problems are more magnified and therefore, other people spend a great deal of time judging you from afar.  Or that you are terminally unique and no one else suffers as much as you do. Or that the almighty has singled you out and personally chosen to conspire against you by making your life miserable. Well, guess what? We are NOT that important. Period.

So, lack of purpose and daily structure can be mentally hazardous. Lack of purpose means your mind is not adequately stimulated or challenged.

A few months ago, I took a hike on my own in the Santa Monica Mountains in West Los Angeles. I was feeling unusually lonesome. I was even feeling a little sorry for myself. Nonetheless, when I reached the peak of the loop trail and looked down at the vast beauty below me, a switch went off in my head. I teared up and felt a modicum of despair as I stood in quiet isolation. I hated the feeling. It was heavy and sorrowful.

Suddenly, I was over-magnifying every worry in my life from the basic fear of aging to whether or not I remembered to turn off the AC at home before leaving for work. It felt like my insides were being gouged out by a new brand of human desperation. It gnawed at me all day. I was out of sorts and disoriented by the consciousness shift.

And yet, it had a comical element. Violins and cellos swirled in the background giving rise to one big manipulative wallow of cheesiness. Kidding aside, it made me stop for a moment. I, myself, was confronted with the very same limitations of my short existence.

Then last week, I tore a calf muscle in my right leg playing tennis. I was forced to cancel all my patient appointments for a few days. I wore an orthopedic boot and hobbled on crutches to get around the house. With my daily purpose and routine temporarily gone, by the third day, I felt the despair again. It was just me and my peg-leg. However, it did compel me to write this article.

10 Tips to avoid existential despair:

1. Find a life purpose. WHATEVER that may be. It doesn’t have to be a high-minded, virtuous one. Something you enjoy doing for yourself or others. Dive into it with supreme tenacity and eagerness. If you don’t like your current job, keep looking for other avenues of employment. Be open to new careers and projects that fill your spirit with excitement. Maybe you are in the wrong line of work.
2. Do NOT allow your days to be filled with extensive idle time. Structure your days wisely. Mental stimulation is vital to a healthy mind. Life doesn’t have a remote control. Change the channel yourself. No couch potatoes.
3. Focus on things in your life that you CAN make a difference in on a daily basis like, your marriage/partnership, kids, your extended family, your job, your responsibilities, staying healthy, etc.
4. Set goals for yourself on a daily basis. Make sure you have a new challenge every day. It’s healthy to occasionally tussle with a conflict you may have been avoiding for years. It’s also healthy to try new things that may feel scary to you.
5. Stop looking for guarantees in life. It’s ok to live with some uncertainty about the future.
6. Stop procrastinating. Take action. Make daily decisions and choices in your life and learn to accept those decisions.
7. Do not isolate. Make an effort to connect with other human beings at least one time per day. Unless you are a monk, remember that humans do not do well alone. Socialize, interface, open up a conversation with someone, anyone. Offer a kind word or a smile.
8. Avoid universal, big-ticket questions that have no immediate answers. It’s not your job to figure out the secrets of the universe. Stay in the inquiry, but, learn to live with the unknowns that you don’t need to understand today.
9. Remind yourself: I am not a victim. I am not the product of my life’s circumstances. I cannot change the world, but I can change my response to it.
10. Don’t make everything that happens to you a commentary about your life. It’s not always about you. You are NOT that significant in the grand scheme of life. Live with that.

Lastly, philosopher Jean Paul Sartre, one of the founding fathers of the Existentialist movement said:

“Life is nothing until it is lived. It is we who give it meaning, and value is nothing more than the meaning we give it.”

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Commentary on devolution of advanced societies towards tribalism.

I have been wanting to point to a number of Op-Ed articles that try to make a story to explain the apparent devolution of many advanced societies towards tribalism. Trump is a symptom, not a cause, of trends that have been growing for the past 30 years.

 Cohen notes:

Looking back, it’s now easy enough to see that the high point of democracy — the victory of open systems over the Soviet imperium that brought down the Berlin Wall in 1989 and set free more than 100 million Central Europeans — was quickly followed by the unleashing of economic forces that would undermine democracies. Far from ending history, liberalism triumphant engendered a reaction.

Increasingly, companies have been displacing nations as the units of international competition:

They optimize globally, rather than nationally. Their aim is to maximize profits across the world — allocating cash where it is most beneficial, finding labor where it is cheapest — not to pursue some national interest.

The shift was fast-forwarded by advances in communications that rendered distance irrelevant, and by the willingness in most emerging markets to open borders to foreign investment and new technologies.

Hundreds of millions of people in these developing countries were lifted from poverty into the middle class. Conversely, in Western societies, a hollowing out of the middle class began as manufacturing migrated, technological advances eliminated jobs and wages stagnated.

The global view did not suit everyone. In what the French call the “periphery” — areas far from the wired metropolis — it began to look like a not-so-subtle sabotaging of the nation. The moneyed got to run a rigged system, in a different universe from those whose lives remained local.

As inequality grew nationally (while narrowing globally), and impunity for financial disaster accompanied it, anger mounted. Frustration translated into an increasingly xenophobic search for scapegoats.

Three decades on, nationalism, nativism and illiberalism are ascendant, from Donald Trump’s United States, to Jaroslaw Kaczynski’s Poland, to Daw Aung San Suu Kyi’s Myanmar. It’s an astonishing turnabout, but it has its logic.

If we live today at an inflection point, it is because it’s impossible to say how much further rightist and illiberal authoritarianism may go.

Trump is a symptom, not a cause. That is why he may be hard to dislodge. He intuited the extent of American anger better than anyone. He also intuited a kind of cultural despair that made millions of Americans impervious to his lewd vulgarity — in fact, inclined to cheer him on in sticking it in the eye of the “establishment.”

An Op-Ed piece by David Brooks quotes Jonathan Haidt, who:

…listed some of the reasons centrifugal forces may now exceed centripetal: the loss of the common enemies we had in World War II and the Cold War, an increasingly fragmented media, the radicalization of the Republican Party, and a new form of identity politics, especially on campus... Haidt made the interesting point that identity politics per se is not the problem. Identity politics is just political mobilization around group characteristics. The problem is that identity politics has dropped its centripetal elements and become entirely centrifugal.

From an identity politics that emphasized our common humanity, we’ve gone to an identity politics that emphasizes having a common enemy. On campus these days, current events are often depicted as pure power struggles — oppressors acting to preserve their privilege over the virtuous oppressed.

“A funny thing happens,” Haidt said, “when you take young human beings, whose minds evolved for tribal warfare and us/them thinking, and you fill those minds full of binary dimensions. You tell them that one side in each binary is good and the other is bad. You turn on their ancient tribal circuits, preparing them for battle. Many students find it thrilling; it floods them with a sense of meaning and purpose.”

The problem is that tribal common-enemy thinking tears a diverse nation apart. This pattern is not just on campus. Look at the negative polarization that marks our politics. Parties, too, are no longer bound together by creeds but by enemies.

Brooks also cites Bruckner, who argues:

…that excessive individualism paradoxically leads to in-group/out-group tribalism. Modern individualism releases each person from social obligation, but “being guided only by the lantern of his own understanding, the individual loses all assurance of a place, an order, a definition. He may have gained freedom, but he has lost security.”..We each have to write our own gospel that defines our own virtue…The easiest way to do that is to tell a tribal oppressor/oppressed story and build your own innocence on your status as victim. Just about everybody can find a personal victim story. Once you’ve identified your herd’s oppressor — the neoliberal order, the media elite, white males, whatever — your goodness is secure. You have virtue without obligation. Nothing is your fault.

Finally Brooks notes that both Haidt and Bruckner:

...point to the fact that we’ve regressed from a sophisticated moral ethos to a primitive one. The crooked timber school of humanity says the line between good and evil runs through each person and we fight injustice on the basis of our common humanity. The oppressor/oppressed morality says the line runs between tribes. That makes it easy to feel good about yourself. But it makes you very hard to live with.

An essay by Thomas Edsall quotes thoughts emailed to him by Steven Pinker:

The answer lies in raw tribalism: when someone is perceived as a champion of one’s coalition, all is forgiven. The same is true for opinions: a particular issue can become a sacred value, shibboleth, or affirmation of allegiance to one’s team, and its content no longer matters. This is part of a growing realization in political psychology that tribalism has been underestimated in our understanding of politics, and ideological coherence and political and scientific literacy overestimated.

…the full ingenuity of human cognition is recruited to valorize the champion and shore up the sacred beliefs. You can always dismiss criticism as being motivated by the bias of one’s enemies. Our cognitive and linguistic faculties are endlessly creative — that’s what makes our species so smart — and that creativity can be always deployed to reframe issues in congenial or invidious terms.

Another quote from Pinker on tribalism is found in Galanes’ article on a conversation between Bill Gates and Pinker:

One of the biggest enemies of reason is tribalism. When people subscribe to an ideology, they suck up evidence that supports their preconceptions and filter out evidence that goes against them. Contrary to the belief of most scientists that denial of climate change is an effect of scientific illiteracy, it is not at all correlated with scientific literacy. People who believe in man-made climate change don’t know any more about climate or science than those who deny it. It’s almost perfectly correlated with left-wing versus right-wing orientation. And a move toward greater rationality would unbundle them and let evidence inform what the optimal policies ought to be.

And, a quote from Don Symons:

Our species is profoundly coalitional, and in most times and places moral prescriptions apply only to one’s in-group, not to humanity in general. I don’t see any evidence that we evolved innate, universal moral rules about how to treat all humans. That’s why history, as James Joyce said, is a nightmare. Prehistory is worse. I assume that coalitional-thinking is what Trump was getting at when he claimed that he could shoot someone on 5th Avenue and his base would still love him. It’s not that they feel that killing a random stranger for no reason is morally ok; it’s that loyalty to their coalition leader is primary.

Now.... This post is too long to start on ideas for correcting the trend towards tribalism. In a future MindBlog post I hope to summarize some articles suggesting ways to transcend tribalism.

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Failed Your New Year’s Resolutions? 6 Easy Tips to Get Back on Track Fast

With all of your good-intentioned resolutions in place, you might have already reneged. If so, don’t sweat it! Chances are if you follow the mind and body tips below, you will be able to think more clearly, be more focused, feel less stressed, more grateful, and energized too! These are tips that anyone anywhere can do, and the wonderful thing is that they take very little time to incorporate into your life. The payoff will be huge, as you will see positive changes happening in your life very quickly, making you feel better and healthier overall .

1. Gentle Stretching

Since it very easy to get overwhelmed by emotional and physical stress before you even get out of bed in the morning, there is no better time to engage in a little gentle stretching. Do a full body stretch for 5 minutes or less everyday before getting out of bed. Your muscles were stiff from sleeping, so doing these simple stretches provides more blood flow to your body. Think neck, torso, shoulders, and toes.

These stretches should never hurt, so do not push through a stretch if you feel pain. Stretches should sooth, and gently wake up the body.

2. Cultivate Compassion 

Research shows its very hard to cultivate compassion when we are involved in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Compassion can at times feel forced, like a chore. The good part is that we can actually work to strengthen our ability to show compassion through meditation. And, even better, research shows positive stress-reducing benefits from practicing compassion meditation. In fact, a Stanford study found that it not only lowers our stress response, it lowers our own pain response, helping people with chronic pain and inflammation find relief.

To practice a quick and easy compassion meditation, simply close your eyes and imagine someone you think could use some compassion. Focus on an image of them and slowly repeat these three phrases in your mind, directed toward them, three times: “I wish you peace, love, good health, happiness, and fulfillment.” If you prefer to be silent, you can continue closing your eyes, and just think good thoughts about the person, sending good energy their way.

3. Hydrate, Hydrate, Hydrate 

Considering that our bodies are mostly water, most of us are intellectually aware of the vital importance of hydration. But not everyone realizes that the health benefits of hydration actually extend to stress relief. Being even just a little dehydrated can increase our body’s levels of cortisol, the stress hormone, leading to feelings of anxiety, cloudiness, exhaustion and overall irritability. As we run around from place to place feeling frazzled, we forget to drink as much water as we normally would. Forget about how much water to drink depending on your weight. Just drink enough water so your urine is a pale-yellow color.

4. Actively Practice Gratitude 

Sometimes saying a mere thank you is the hardest, humbling thing to express. Research shows that expressing consistent gratitude has many health and wellness benefits, including boosting energy and our immune system, improving mood/feelings of positivity, fighting depression and strengthening relationships. For example, couples who express gratitude on a day-to-day basis have stronger relationships, and feel more satisfied with their lives and research backs this up. Gratitude also extends to all relationships out there including sibling/parental/friendship circles. Find the good in someone else and become a better person.

5. Learn How to Breathe Better

When we are anxious about something, or when we are ruminating about something in our minds our heart rate increases, our pupils dilate, and our breath becomes shallower. When we are stressed, it literally plucks us out of the present moment, and into concerns/thoughts about the future which hasn’t happened yet, or the past, which we cannot do anything about or change. That’s why deep breathing is one of the best, most simple stress busting techniques out there that doesn’t cost a dime.

Our breath is always happening in the present moment. By connecting with it, we can bring our minds back into the present, the here and now — what really counts. All it takes is 90 seconds of long, deep breaths to elicit a relaxation response from our parasympathetic nervous system, inhibiting stress hormone production, lowering our heart rate and decreasing our blood pressure.

6. Exercise for Stress Relief 

Our self-care routine is usually the first thing we give up in order to accommodate others. By putting ourselves on the backburner, it is difficult for our bodies and minds to overcome any stressors that may come our way. The good news is that you can take a less-is-more approach and fit in just a few minutes of stress-relieving exercises at home that will make a big difference in helping you manage all sorts of pressures. If yoga is your thing, take just two minutes to practice a restorative yoga pose by lying on the floor with your legs up on a pillow, on a chair or straight up on the wall.

If you’d rather be more physically active in your stress relief strategies(s), try blowing off some steam with some high-intensity interval training sessions. You can do jumping jacks, jumping ropes, pushups, whatever feels best for you in under 10 minutes. Most have us can spare these 10 minutes a few days a week. Ultimately, it is a matter of personal preference which always falls in the subjective domain. Maybe you can’t stand the feeling of doing high intensity, but love the way you feel after a quick restorative yoga session. Perhaps meditation isn’t your thing, but you find that keeping a gratitude journal works best for you.

Determine the ways that help you relieve stress, and be consistent in your proactive use of them. Sometimes it just takes time and patience to see what works and doesn’t work for you. If you do that, you’ll have a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life.

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Am I Going Crazy?

From a teen in the U.S.: So I recently just started so see a new psychologist who was quite terrible as mine has gone on a long holiday. I have anxiety depression and from what I thought depersonalisation. It is always with me since I was about 15 and has gotten worse as I have gotten older. The world just seems a bit unreal to me but nothing looks out of shape.

She seemed very curious about this and said that maybe it is early onset scitzophrenia. Me having anxiety have not stopped thinking about this issue since she has told me. It is always with me 24/7 and I find it really hard to explain to someone. I don’t hear voices or any of that other stuff, but this has really freaked me. Should I be worried? Is this something that does happen to people in the early days of their scizophrenia onset?

A: Please take a deep breath and calm down. A therapist who doesn’t know you ventured an idea. It’s only an idea. The person you should be talking to about it is your regular therapist who knows you well enough to make an informed opinion. If your regular therapist won’t be available for a time, you do have several choices: You can wait until your therapist comes back to continue your therapy. You can talk to the new psychologist about what led her to her idea. Or you can seek out a different therapist to support you until your therapist returns.

Do remember: Therapy is a collaborative process. You don’t have to accept everything any therapist says. It is just wise to think seriously about what is said and to participate in teasing out what is true and what is not.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What Your Toilet Paper Reveals About Your Personality

This is the closest PsyBlog gets to toilet humour.

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One Simple Instruction That Will Keep You Motivated

Motivation can stay at maximum all day long, research finds.

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Why Ultimatums Are Actually Destructive to Your Relationship

We often praise people who give ultimatums, who say things like “By such and such date, if I don’t have a ring, this relationship is over.” Or “I want ______, and if you’re not willing to give that to me, then I’m done.”

After all, they’re just standing up for their beliefs and needs. They’re just standing up for their happiness. They’re being strong and self-assured. We think Wow, they know what they want, and they’re not afraid to ask or even fight for it. We see this as admirable.

Or we give friends advice to give ultimatums. We say, You need to tell them they better do X or Y, or you’re not going to put up with that. They better come home earlier. They better stop nagging you. They better start calling more. They better get a job. Or else, you won’t come home either. Or else you’ll leave. Or else you’ll get a divorce. Or else….

But ultimatums are actually destructive to relationships. For starters, “an ultimatum is a demand,” which is expressed as a deal breaker, said Jean Fitzpatrick, LP, a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in working with couples in New York City.

It’s essentially a threat with consequences, said Kathy Nickerson, Ph.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships in Orange County, Calif. An ultimatum is usually drastic and all or nothing. Nickerson shared these examples: “Stop drinking or I am going to make sure you never see the kids again.” “Marry me or I will find someone who will.” “Have sex with me more often or I am going to start cheating.”

Ultimatums are destructive because they make your partner feel pressured and trapped, and force them to take action, she said. “Generally, we don’t want to force people to do anything, because they’ll do it, and it won’t be genuine, and resentment will form….[I]t’s hard to feel loving towards someone who is making threats or demands.”

Plus, “By forcing your partner’s hand, you are raising the tension level even higher in a situation that presents an important opportunity to nurture mutual understanding and trust,” Fitzpatrick said. “And if you win, it’s not a win for the relationship.”

We glorify ultimatums because we confuse them with being assertive and standing up for our needs. But an ultimatum is not the same as a request for your need to be met. The difference, Fitzpatrick said, lies in how you express it. For instance, “If you want to commit to a monogamous relationship and your partner doesn’t or isn’t ready, then you can make it clear that you yourself have limits and desires and you need to pay attention to them.”

Instead of issuing ultimatums, Fitzpatrick and Nickerson stressed the importance of having open, sincere, vulnerable, respectful, calm conversations, which focus on understanding each other. Each partner shares their perspective, and explains where they’re coming up.

For instance, according to Nickerson, if you’re the partner who needs to have more physical intimacy, you say: “Honey, I really want to talk about our intimacy and what sex means to me. I only truly feel close to you when we’re physically connected and physical touch is how I feel loved. I know you feel loved when I say nice things and help around the house, so we’re different in this way. What can we do, or what would you be willing to try, so we can have a little more intimate time together?”

Fitzpatrick suggested doing an exercise from John Gottman called “dreams within conflict.” One partner is the dreamer, and the other is the dreamcatcher. The dreamer candidly shares their thoughts and feelings about the issue. The dreamcatcher listens intently without disagreeing or debating. They ask questions to make sure they understand what their partner is saying. Then they switch roles.

Fitzpatrick shared this example: Instead of saying, “I need a ring by my birthday or I’m done,” you say: “I’ve been focused on my career for a long time, and my priorities have shifted. I enjoy living with you but I want a marriage and family. I love you and hope you can be my life partner. I want us to build something together.”

Your partner, the dreamcatcher, asks clarifying questions, such as: “Does this relate to your background in some way?” “Is there a fear in not having this dream realized?”

When you switch roles, your partner might say they’re hesitant about an engagement because: “My parents have been married for 40 years and I want my marriage to last like that,” or “My parents’ divorce was so hard for me and my brother. I don’t want to do that to my kids.” You, as the dreamcatcher, then ask: “Are there memories that stand out as especially painful from your parents’ divorce?” or “What are all your feelings about this?”

In other words, Fitzpatrick noted, “The idea is to explore the underlying meaning and feelings in order to build mutual understanding and empathy.”

Depending on the issue, you also might devise a game plan and deadlines (which include following through), Nickerson said. For instance, for the drinking scenario, you say: ” I am really concerned about your drinking and how it is affecting your relationship with the kids. Let’s talk about it…” After some discussion, you say: “OK, so we both agree that this is a challenge. Let’s make a plan with some goals and deadlines. I can be at peace with your working on this if you start attending AA every week by March 1st.”

If you’re at an impasse, Nickerson suggested seeing a therapist. It’s also important to do some self-reflection. For instance, if your partner still doesn’t want to get married, ask yourself: “Do I really need to get married? Does it really have to be my way? Am I OK with letting this person go if they will not marry me?”

“If the answer to all of those is yes, that go ahead and give the ultimatum…. or just let them go,” Nickerson said. Of course, this is so much easier said than done. But, again, this is something you can work on in therapy.

Ultimately, ultimatums aren’t healthy for relationships. As Nickerson noted, “I haven’t seen a lot of ultimatums go well, where there’s no resentment by one party and no lingering doubts by the other.”

Ultimately, honest, supportive, curiosity-driven communication is key. “Love your partner enough to not give them ultimatums. Talk to them, work with them.” Even though it can be painful, conflict offers couples an opportunity to grow and even strengthen their connection.

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A Weird Depression Symptom Most People Don’t Know

Why depressed people cannot hold on to positive memories and emotions.

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Lacking Strong Emotions

I’m not sure if how I feel with emotions is normal or not. I don’t ever feel annoyed, rarely feel anything with happiness and anger, never know when and if I am stressed, etc. If I’m annoyed or mad or sad then I can tell by the expression on my face and how my voice wants to sound and how my body wants to act. The only times I ever know I’m stressed are when I get an urge to hurt myself, the stronger the urge the more stressed I am. Is how I feel emotions normal? (From the USA)

A:  The fact that it takes you wanting to hurt yourself before you feel anything is something that you want to understand and correct. When our threshold for pain is so high it means we are not tuned into taking care of ourselves as well as we could be. Start by going to your general physician to get a medical check-up to make sure everything is okay there. When you go, let the physician know how you are feeling and he or she can help you get connected to a therapist.

You don’t want to be ready to hurt yourself to know when you are stressed. You’ve taken a good first step by writing us here. Now take care of yourself by getting a check-up.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Best of Our Blogs: January 30, 2018

Most of us want the clean house just like we desire the perfect life or at least happy one. But we also want to get there without dealing with the mess.

Just like we can’t wiggle our nose and wave a magic wand to straighten up our homes, we can’t simply will away our problems.

To access all the complexity of our emotions, we’ve got to tackle the mess. It’s our traumatic pasts. It’s the mistakes we made. It’s the lost of our past and fear of our future.

Fortunately, when we do the work, we also get the benefit of everything we’ve always wanted in life. As you’ll read this week, doing your own early “spring cleaning,” will give you a chance to finally have healthy relationships, experience a myriad of emotions and make conscious decisions for the betterment of your children.

The Difference Between Honoring an Emotion and Indulging It
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – It’s the four skills you didn’t learn that will change the way you experience difficult emotions.

Narcissistic Brainwashing: How Larry Nassar Thinks
(Narcissism Meets Normalcy) – If you’ve recently woken from the brain fog of narcissism, you’ll recognize yourself in the victims of Larry Nassar and the Turpins.

The Confusing Narcissistic Cycle of Abandonment and Return
(The Exhausted Woman) – It’s the emotional draining and toxic cycle you’ll find yourself in if you get involved with a narcissist.

What to expect after leaving your narcissist and going “no contact”
(The Recovery Expert) – Ending your relationship with a narcissist? You’ll need this.

The Tragic Myth about ADHD
(Psychoanalysis Now) – Read the shocking truth about ADHD that most parents don’t realize.

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Corporate social responsibility to counter the sociopathy of capitalism?

Sorkin describes a striking letter sent out to business leaders by BlackRock, the largest investment firm in the world. The article and letter are worth a read. In the absence of significant government action, is this the only hope for countering the automatic inequities that result from exercisings only the profit motive of capitalism? The letter informs..

..business leaders that their companies need to do more than make profits — they need to contribute to society as well if they want to receive the support of BlackRock.

Mr. Fink has the clout to make this kind of demand: His firm manages more than $6 trillion in investments through 401(k) plans, exchange-traded funds and mutual funds, making it the largest investor in the world, and he has an outsize influence on whether directors are voted on and off boards.

From his letter:

“Society is demanding that companies, both public and private, serve a social purpose,...To prosper over time, every company must not only deliver financial performance, but also show how it makes a positive contribution to society.”

“many governments are failing to prepare for the future, on issues ranging from retirement and infrastructure to automation and worker retraining...As a result, society increasingly is turning to the private sector and asking that companies respond to broader societal challenges.”

We can only hope.....

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How to Cope with a Scary Medical or Mental Health Diagnosis

Most of us are sanguine about the fact that some things are out of our control. We know, for example, that we can’t avoid death or taxes or do much about how tall we’ll grow. For much of everything else, we figure out a way to deal with what happens in life — until we can’t, for one reason or another. A prime example is the emotional upheaval caused by receiving an unexpected and scary medical or mental health diagnosis. Having gone through this myself recently, here are some ways to help you cope.

Get all the facts.

After the initial shock, take a few deep breaths and resolve to learn as much as you can about the condition, issue or disorder you’ve just been diagnosed with. Ask about available evidence-based treatments, success rates for cure/remission, resources you can check to gain a better understanding of the scope of the problem, how long treatment or procedure may take, recovery time, alternative treatment methods, whether a change in behavior or lifestyle will help speed healing and whatever else comes to mind. Since you need time to absorb the fact that you’ve just been diagnosed with something like skin cancer or atrial fibrillation (both of which, by the way, I found out I had), give yourself time to come up with other specific questions you want your healthcare provider or doctor to answer. Keep careful notes of everything the doctor tells you and get copies of all test results, scans and X-rays, physician’s notes, medications prescribed, and so on.

Go online and check trusted websites to learn the latest research, treatments, techniques.

While you likely have faith in your physician to give you the straight facts, there may be more information that the doctor either doesn’t have time to give you or may not be aware of. To help ease your anxiety and provide a measure of self-assurance that you’re as knowledgeable as you can be at present about your condition, check out such trusted websites as the American Heart Association, the American Cancer Society, WebMD, the National Institutes of Health, MedlinePlus, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) and other sites that are pertinent to your disease or condition. There may be clinical trials that might be appropriate and that you qualify for, or you may learn about recent FDA-approved medications, devices or treatments that you can discuss with your treating physician or healthcare provider.

Talk with your loved ones and family members and ask for their support.

Remember that your illness, disease or condition affects more than just you. Everyone in your family is likely to be affected and need to know what’s going on so they can support your path to healing. The more people you have encouraging your recovery, the more you can feel good about moving forward to get the treatment you require. While you may be afraid that this news will alienate or frighten them, the truth is that you need the support and love of those closest to you to effectively cope with this unsettling experience. If your condition or diagnosis is life-threatening, even more reason to engage your immediate family and loved ones in your healing journey.

Consider counseling.

Learning that you have a diagnosable mental health disorder is often a primary reason for seeking professional counseling. Yet, anxiety and depression are frequently experienced by those who’ve just been told by their doctor that they have a specific disease, illness, medical or mental health condition. Counseling can benefit anyone who needs help learning to cope with a short-term, acute, chronic or life-threatening diagnosis. Your doctor should be able to give you a referral or recommendations for psychological counseling or point you to resources where you can find a therapist.

Find a support group.

Another extremely beneficial way to cope with a scary medical or mental health diagnosis is to find a support group in your area that focuses on helping individuals with similar issues. Two excellent resources for gathering information and finding local support groups are the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and Mental Health America (MHA).

Adopt a positive attitude and maintain a proactive outlook.

The speed at which you heal from or overcome a medical or mental health diagnoses has much to do with your perceptions and outlook. If you see only negativity in your future, you may be embarking on a self-fulfilling prophecy. Look at the facts objectively and determine what you’ve got going for you. For example, if your condition was caught early, there’s a better chance of successfully treating it before it causes permanent damage or escalating consequences to your quality of life and living situation. While it’s true that some people just seem to deteriorate after learning they have an incurable disease or one that’s gone undetected for too long, even though they’re courageous and hopeful about their remaining days, it’s also true that a positive attitude and refusing to give up has extended the life of many, in addition to adding immeasurably to the quality of that life.

Become a champion in your healing process.

Above all, refuse to allow yourself to become a victim – of circumstances, genetics, bad timing, poor choices. You must be an active participant in your healing, not a passive bystander who cannot affect the outcome. What happens to you after you get that scary diagnosis depends, in large part, to the actions you take going forward. This means that you follow your doctor’s orders, take all medications as prescribed, refrain from unhealthy and potentially addictive coping measures such as using alcohol and drugs (especially together). Also, while the occasional glass of wine may be relaxing, be aware that certain medications, even over-the-counter medications commonly used for cough, cold and flu, negatively interact with alcohol and prescription medications you may need to take. Find out from your doctor when you can be more aggressive in activities like walking outdoors, going to the gym, resuming lifestyle hobbies and pursuits. After all, if these make you feel better and get you back to more of a normal routine, they’re helpful to your recovery. Also try meditation, proven to help in overcoming many of life’s challenges.

In short, be smart, positive, hopeful and active. Remember, you can get through this.

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I Have Psycho Fantasies

I’ve thought about killing. I’ve always wanted to beat some one until they were black and blue and bloody. I’ve wanted to taste blood from people. Ive never felt anything towards anyone except my dog. I’ve wanted to kill everyone but I’ve never done it. I mean it’s like I have a flip and I just thinking about psychotic things. I’ve thought if I was a psychopath or a sociopath. I mean I don’t care for people dying period. I’ve always wanted blood to be all over my body. Ive once sat in my bed laughing at the thought of beating someone up or killing. I’ve been wanting to destroy my room or destroy everything. I mean I just want to do everything destructive. I have depression, add, adhd, and bipolar. I have a short temper too. I’ve just wanted to kill and kill every day. I love hurting myself and blood rushing out. I laugh at the pain. I couldn’t tell my mom about this because obviously she would send me somewhere and I probably kill her if she did. I don’t know what to do right now honestly. My friends think I’m heartless. Anyways yea

A. You mentioned having multiple mental health diagnoses. Unless you are self-diagnosing, this would suggest that you have been in contact with mental health professionals. If you have access to them, you should talk to them about these things. They can help you.

The nature of murder fantasies often involves power and control. They seem to occur among people who are struggling and or who lack power in their lives. Feeling powerless to control certain people or events in your life might prompt fantasies where you envision a stronger version of yourself, a person who can take charge or call the shots. Since I don’t know you, that is only a guess. Certainly, there is more to your story.

I would strongly encourage you to consult a mental health professional. Treatment would help you to feel more joy and less pain and powerlessness. If you were happy you would not think about hurting or killing people; I don’t think those types of thoughts would ever cross your mind. I suspect that you might have a great deal of emotional pain and that is, at least in part, why you are having these homicidal fantasies.

You don’t have to tell your mother why you want to seek help. Ask her to assist you in seeking help and hopefully she will comply. If not, go to the school counselor or another trusted faculty member and ask for their help. They will know what to do. Finally, if these fantasies become overwhelming and or you fear that you might harm someone, call emergency services. They will protect you and ensure that you receive the proper treatment. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Breaking the Link Between Low Self-Esteem and Self-Sabotage

Low self-esteem can turn our lives into a series of self-fulfilling prophecies. Lack of belief in ourselves — the feeling that we are unworthy, or destined to fail — often goes hand in hand with self-sabotage, and this link can be hard to break.

Whether it’s thinking that we’re bound to be bad at something and not trying our best, believing that no one could truly love us so pushing our partners away, or accepting bad treatment simply because a small part of ourselves thinks that we deserve it; low self-esteem can color our whole lives. And in a vicious cycle, the reality which is the result of these actions can confirm our own worst fears about ourselves.

It can also create a strange sense of satisfaction, one that those with low self-esteem cling on to. It might be the twisted vindication of “There! I knew they never really loved me!” when a partner finally leaves, or the sense of inevitability that comes with not getting recognition at work — even though we never have the confidence to assert ourselves.

Our ideas are never challenged, and our self-perception doesn’t need to go through the often painful process of change. Instead, we can sit inside a “comfort zone” (although, of course, it’s actually pretty unpleasant) of never trying because we believe it would all go wrong anyway.

Low self-esteem is often a big issue for the people looking for help at my meditation center, and is often the source of other problems in their lives. So how do we break the link between low self-esteem and self-sabotage?

Recognize Self-Sabotage in Inaction

This is something so many people do. Instead of actively engaging in life, low self-esteem pushes people to stand slightly apart from it, letting events go by without effort or intervention.

This behavior doesn’t involve anything obviously self-sabotaging, such as going out drinking the night before a big interview, or constantly picking fights with their partner.

It might be a dream job coming up. Without even realizing it, people with low confidence can find themselves creating reasons to delay applying, waiting and waiting until the opportunity passes them by. Or perhaps it’s a disagreement with a good friend. Rather than taking the initiative and sorting this disagreement out, it’s ignored and allowed to fester, ultimately leading to distance in the relationship.

Self-sabotage doesn’t have to be active, and it’s important to recognize the behaviors which are holding us back, whatever form they may take.

Keep a Diary in Order to Become More Aware

Keeping track of how we fill our time, the way we feel and our motivations behind our behavior can really increase our self-awareness. The problem with low self-worth is that it can feel like such an unshakable certainty in our lives that we don’t even realize how it’s affecting us, and how our decisions reflect our belief in ourselves.

Low self-esteem could be driving behavior we don’t even recognize as negative. For example, we might constantly defer to an overbearing person in our lives, even if it makes us less happy than we would otherwise be. What we see as keeping the peace, or being more laid-back, might actually be us habitually acting against our own self-interest.

It can take close introspection to realize things like this, which is why keeping a diary — whether it takes the form of a stream of consciousness or dry documentation of what we’ve done that day and why — can be so helpful.

Take Up Habits that Boost Your Confidence

I would recommend meditation in order to increase present-moment awareness (which helps people become aware of their emotional triggers), lessen stress and build confidence. But other actions can help too, and the most important thing is taking the (admittedly difficult) first step of proving ourselves wrong.

Sometimes, when we have a sincere belief in our own lack of skill or likability, making a concerted effort to put ourselves out there is the best thing we can do — no matter how initially uncomfortable it is. Remind yourself that everything, from talking to strangers to knitting a jumper, takes practice, and that no one is truly good at anything on their very first go.

The myth of the power of innate talent holds many of us back. Even the most naturally gifted person has to spend hours honing their craft, which is why people who might be hilarious to their friends can often bomb when they first try stand up comedy. It’s perseverance that eventually has them reducing a whole crowd to giggles.

Overcoming initial self-doubt allows us to put in the time necessary to build confidence-boosting habits. It’s a vital part of moving away from sabotaging behavior, and will help us go into the future filled with a self-belief that could change our lives.

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The Unexpected Way To Reduce Negative Emotions

Despite the hardships of ageing, people generally feel happier as they get older.

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Is My Mom Abusing Me?

From a 12 year old girl in Lithuania: I can’t tell if my mom is abusing me or if I’m just overreacting. My mom is a normal mom but whenever she gets mad she cusses, hits or ignores me. She calls me bitch, a piece of sh-t, an idiot, and more. However, when she’s on Instagram or in front of other people, she acts as if she never calls me names or stuff.

One time, I was going from school to home with mom and she got mad because she wanted me to pick up my little sister from school but I couldn’t. She went back to school, took all my belongings, and hit me in the car to force me to get me out. I got out of the car and she drove off. I live far from home so I had to call my dad from work to go back home after waiting outside for 3 hours, and it was cold, I didn’t have any jacket on. When I told this to my bestie, she said my mom seems immature and I needed help. But I couldn’t afford to see a therapist without my parents knowing it.

My dads always fighting for me when mom’s out of control, but mom hits him too and when he’s not there I can’t do anything else. When I got my final grades, it was written that I was late once. My mom went crazy and yelling names at me and saying that I’m a hybrid that skips school whenever I felt like it, but I have never skipped school in my life.

My mom thinks she’s always right and she won’t listen to me. Sometimes she embarrasses me and my sister in front of people by yelling and going crazy because again, she was just mad at something else. So basically she just uses me as a stress relieving material whenever she’s mad.

These days I wanna kill myself so I can get rid of her but I get scared attempting. She expects too much from me. I’m scared to tell her my feelings because last time I told her my feelings she got mad. What do I do?

A: You are not over-reacting. Your mom knows she is doing something wrong or she wouldn’t act differently when she is in public. Your dad knows something is wrong or he wouldn’t be taking your side when he witnesses these episodes. No kid deserves to be hit and called names by the parent who is supposed to love and protect them.

I can’t know if your mother is ill, over-stressed herself, has inadequate parenting skills or some combination. I do know that this has to stop. Your dad at least believes you but seems powerless to stop it. Your bestie is right. You (and your dad) need help.

Ask your dad if he will take the initiative to get you all into family therapy. If he can’t or won’t, do talk to a teacher or counselor you trust at school. School personnel often know of ways for kids like you to get some help.

In the meantime, stay out of your mom’s way. Get involved in activities that keep you busy after school. Do assignments in the library. Resist the temptation to argue with your mom. It will probably only make things worse. Instead, tell her you are sorry she feels that way and leave as gracefully as you can.

I hope your dad steps up and helps. If you think it would help, show him your letter and this response.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Responding to Grief and Coping with Loss: You Can Survive Your Greatest Fears

I wrote Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death, and Surviving because I was angry. Angry that so many of the bereaved clients that came through my door, were suffering more than necessary because they felt they should have been coping better, feared they were going mad. They had no idea this is normal in grief. And they didn’t know how to help themselves. I want Grief Works to change that ignorance into knowledge and thereby confidence.

I learned this lesson in my childhood, both of my parents had experienced significant losses: my mother’s mother, father, sister and brother were all dead by the time she was 25 — my father’s father and brother were dead by his mid twenties — and they never spoke about them. I saw black and white photographs of these people around the house, but they were like ghosts in a frame, I knew nothing about them. They believed that what you don’t talk about won’t hurt you. Forget and move on. Yet the pain they felt beneath their silence remained untouched throughout their lives. When my mother told me about the death of her brother at Arnhem, during the war, she spoke as the 17-year-old sister whose grief was absolutely raw.

Death is the last great taboo, and its consequence, grief, is profoundly misunderstood. We seem happy to talk about sex, or failure, or expose our deepest vulnerabilities, but on death we are silent. It is too frightening, even alien, for many of us, to find the words to voice it. That silence leads to ignorance, which means we often don’t know how to respond to grief in others, let alone ourselves. We prefer it when the bereaved don’t show their distress, and we say how “amazing” they are when they are being “so strong.” But the fact is death happens and grief hurts. Despite the language we use to try and deny death — “passed over”, “lost”, “gone to a better place” — it is a harsh truth that as a society we are pretty ill-equipped to respond to it. The lack of control and powerlessness that we are forced to contend with, counters our 21st century belief that technology or medicine can fix us, or if it can’t, our determination can.

Every day thousands of people die, expectedly and unexpectedly. There are 2,626,418 deaths a year in the USA. On average every, death affects at least five people. That means millions of people will be faced with the shock of the news. They will forever remember where they were standing when they heard their parent, their sibling, their friend or their child is dying or has died. It will impact their relationship with themselves, and with every aspect of their world, for the rest of their life. How they manage that process, will inevitably affect the people around them.  

For the grief we feel is invisible. It is an invisible wound that is greater or smaller depending on how much we loved the person who has died. It may be that we are grieving a sudden death, or an anticipated death. Either way the sky we look up at is the same sky as before the death, but we look in the mirror and we don’t see the same person. We look at a photograph of ourselves, and wonder at the innocence of that smile, and see a different face from the one we see now. But some of the people around us, don’t understand the complexity of what has happened, or the depth of the hidden injury we are carrying. Death is the great exposer. It forces into the open hidden fault lines, submerged secrets, and reveals to us how crucial those closest to us are.  

I have regularly seen that it is not the pain of grief that damages individuals and whole families, even through many generations; but it is the things we do to avoid the pain, which inflicts the most harm. Dealing with pain requires work on many different levels — physical and psychological. It is not possible to do that on our own. Love from others is key to helping us survive the love we have lost. With their support, we can endeavor to find a way of bearing the pain and living without the person who has died and dare to trust in life again.  

In my profession there is a body of well researched practical facts as well as psychological understandings that are essential for anyone who is grieving. As a therapist I have witnessed how this knowledge can help protect those who are bereaved, suffering worse consequences, through inappropriate support. Research studies show that at the root of 15% of all psychiatric referrals, is unresolved grief. But this information is not out in the world and I want this book to change that. There is so much fear that surrounds death and grief, largely caused by ignorance and lack of knowledge, and I want to replace that fear with confidence. I want people to understand that grief is a process that has to be worked through; whatever the circumstance, whoever they are, to protect them from a bad event having even worse consequences, due to ignorance. But, as I’ve said, that information is not out in the world and I want this book to change that.

Peoples’ resistance and thereby lack of knowledge about death and dying is understandable because it is fueled by fear, I would like to replace that fear with confidence. Experience has taught me that grief is work, extremely hard work, but if we do the work it works for us, the natural process of grieving can be supported to enable us to both heal, function effectively in our lives, and help us to find a way to rebuild our life. I hope that this book will illuminate what that work entails.  

When love dies, it is only the love of others that can help us. This book shows how that love works.

 

© Julia Samuel, author of Grief Works: Stories of Life, Death and Surviving (Scribner)

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How our bones regulate our weight.

Jansson et al. report that bones have a gravity sensor that initiates metabolic changes that compensate for a sudden change in body weight to return the body to its desired homeostatic weight set point:

Significance

The only known homeostatic regulator of fat mass is the leptin system. We hypothesized that there is a second homeostat regulating body weight with an impact on fat mass. In this study we have added and removed weight loads from experimental animals and measured the effects on the biological body weight. The results demonstrate that there is a body weight homeostat that regulates fat mass independently of leptin. As the body weight-reducing effect of increased loading was dependent on osteocytes, we propose that there is a sensor for body weight in the long bones of the lower extremities acting as “body scales.” This is part of a body weight homeostat, “gravitostat,” that keeps body weight and body fat mass constant.

Abstract

Subjects spending much time sitting have increased risk of obesity but the mechanism for the antiobesity effect of standing is unknown. We hypothesized that there is a homeostatic regulation of body weight. We demonstrate that increased loading of rodents, achieved using capsules with different weights implanted in the abdomen or s.c. on the back, reversibly decreases the biological body weight via reduced food intake. Importantly, loading relieves diet-induced obesity and improves glucose tolerance. The identified homeostat for body weight regulates body fat mass independently of fat-derived leptin, revealing two independent negative feedback systems for fat mass regulation. It is known that osteocytes can sense changes in bone strain. In this study, the body weight-reducing effect of increased loading was lost in mice depleted of osteocytes. We propose that increased body weight activates a sensor dependent on osteocytes of the weight-bearing bones. This induces an afferent signal, which reduces body weight. These findings demonstrate a leptin-independent body weight homeostat (“gravitostat”) that regulates fat mass.

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