I’m a 15 year old girl. for several years ive been having suicidal and paranoid thoughts. ive have multiple panic and anxiety attacks (at least once a week from mild to intense) and sometimes feel like im floating out of my body, not recognizing myself or other people. My family is caring but for some reason I remember them hurting me and lying to me. I hallucinated when I was younger of scary things, and I’ve always believed in things like my friend being a werewolf, that i have mind control, that people know things i dont and are targeting me. I often get selfish and defensive, i lie excessively and have a very inconsistent personality. I’m also afraid of relationships and have a lot of trouble expressing my emotions (this was more recently i used to be great at it). I have ADD but was never diagnosed with anything else, im suspecting i had bipolar symptoms before(i slept 2-3 hours and was eccentric. then heavily depressed). and i believe people send me hidden messages in their speech, im an artist and i can emerse myself in a nonexistant world, like i dont belong here and that killing myself will lead me to that prettier world. i do self doubt or try to ignore my thoughts but theyre still there. i get violent and jittery impulses, think about killing and torturing people like its nothing, and i get all excited and giggly. I have a nagging thought process that criticises me and other people. I try to remain honest with myself and laugh off any form of betrayal or oversensitivity. I interpret things to the extreme, sometimes unrealistic but i cant help buying in to it. I believe my father wants to kill me and my mother, i believe my sister is jealous i get more time with my mom, and i hate being happy. Whenever i get happy i need to remind myself i dont deserve to feel that or that its all fake and none if it will last. I self harm. My grades are poor and I prepare to commit suicide within the next three years, or maybe
next year, or before college. I dont want to hurt my mother just in case she really does love me. I believe everyone will leave me and have isolated myself. Everything makes me cry. Help.
A. I’m sorry this is happening to you. The good news is that there are treatments for your symptoms. The key to seeking help is to make the people in your life aware that something is wrong. It’s not clear from your letter that you have told your parents what’s wrong or that you have asked them to assist you in seeking help.
If you don’t think you can go to your family then contact a trusted school faculty member or guidance counselor. They will immediately begin to determine what type of help you need and assist you in getting it. Once you begin treatment, your symptoms will begin to diminish and have less control over your life. With enough treatment, they can be effectively erased. I hope that you will take the next steps and ask for help.
I’m especially concerned because you are contemplating suicide. All of the problems that you have written about are treatable with counseling and medication. When people consider suicide, it’s usually because they are suffering and don’t know how else to make their pain stop. Treatment is the solution. It will help you to experience joy instead of sadness, pleasure instead of pain. If you are considering suicide, contact emergency services and they will protect you. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
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