I have just ended a relationship last night with a man for similar reasons. I was friends with M for 8yrs and in a relationship for the past 10months. We met on a job in cape town (where he is from) when I was living there and when I moved back to Scotland we stayed in touch regularly throughout the years. After 7 yrs away from cape town I returned Jan this year. We were reunited and that night we got together. But right away it was difficult, verbally abusive in my eyes and I have allowed terrible behavior from him. He has been cheated on the past but I wonder if they cheated because of his jealous nature.
His last longest friend of 12 years who he looked at as a brother he never had betrayed him by stealing a substantial amount of money from him just a few months before I arrived in Jan.
1 of his ex’s – after they split – found out she was pregnant and had an abortion, then met him and told him about it.
So, I get he is very hurt and angry about past and recent events.
However—this putting up with unhealthy men seems to be a pattern I seem to allow in past relationships I have had. the last 3 were violent. After the 1st violent relationship, I was single for about 2 yrs. I am starting counseling as I have so many questions about myself.In this latest union,1 I was accused of things of a cheating nature and told I am probe ‘off fucking other guys ‘and other derogatory things like that. He admitted early on in our relationship that he didn’t want to go out socially with me, so he didn’t have to worry about guys eyeing me up or me looking around or going off with other men. And I’ve always been a sociable person. But not lately partly because I am a bit jaded and I truly only wanted us to go out together. Also, all my friends are married and/or have kids. I wanted my best friend of 8yrs to have fun with me. We both liked to go clubbing etc. But after the first few turbulent weeks, I called it off which resulted in him turning up in a public venue to tell me he loved me. Anyway, we are arguing a lot. He says truly awful things and I told him to go about a month ago when he walked aggressively right up into my face during an argument. Not only is that never acceptable that is naturally a trigger f
or me now and not the first time he has done that and once he sorts of man-handled me. So, I calmly told him to pack his things and go to which I was called a whore.
Something I still can’t get over in a way.After a week of him being out my flat and not speaking, he contacted me. As he is over from cape town and been staying with me, I wanted him to come back. I stupidly felt guilty I put him out and just wanted to make it work. Now I’m quite an independent woman. I am 40. Never been married or had kids. Something I long for. I get these men have issues, but I need to know what is wrong with me that I can’t stop these bad relationships sooner? Am I that weak? Or needy for a man? I actually function well on my own, but I do get lonely and feel the pressure a single unmarried childless woman of my age feels. I don’t need a man, but I want 1. I want a healthy relationship with someone who can meet at least some of my emotional needs.
I am starting to see a counselor as I know I have my own issues to deal with. Too many to go into in here. I am just so utterly tired of somehow attracting abusive men in some sort of way. I feel defeated again. We were meant to start relationship counseling last week, but the arguing was so bad on the way there I didn’t want to go in. Didn’t join the session until the end. And we were supposed to go this week. But could it have really even helped? I feel he twists things and exaggerates and has tried to use the fact I have been in relationships before him as if I have a terrible past. Says things like “gaud knows who and how many men you have been with “what you been up to—it’s probably disgusting” Again it reeks of him looking down on me and women as a whole and thinking I am a whore in his eyes. I suggested he find a virgin. Someone he can control.
Anyway, I was in disbelief hearing that. Another hurtful blow. He has said to me in the past he hates women and men. Has an “everyone wants to take my things/fuck him over mentality, has spoken about how in the past he received a lot of jealousy for being successfully and financially well off.
But I stupidly thought in time he would see how devoted and loyal I was. But no.And I know I have given him too many chances. I have boundary issues.
Early on getting together he ruined his own birthday as he was so horrible to me for what reason I do not know. So, I couldn’t even speak to him. I left him to be on my own that day and I was so upset. I had gone out my way to get gifts and make it an amazing day. Instead, I left and spent the day on my own. At 1 point he begged me to attend his birthday dinner arranged by his sister and with his parents. I refused. I couldn’t sit there and kid on. They would have seen through it right away. Later that evening when we saw each other we somehow got into a conversation about my violent ex’s. He said “you must have done something for them to have hit you” I went hysterical and he tried to calm me down. I should have ended it at that point.I am sick of always giving too many chances for these men projecting their jealousies and insecurities on to me. I must have so little self-worth about myself, and I think it stems from childhood and emotionally stunted and unhappy parents.
What can a psychologist do with me to stop my patterns of unhealthy patterns and relationships?
I witnessed my parents argue a lot as a young child. Father was aggressive and hit my mother once. She took him back, so I guess I have learned to keep taking abuse for long periods of time. How do I break That?
I thought more recently I need to look at myself more as it’s easy to just end things and keep moving from relationship to relationship. You only take with you the previous baggage/ But surely, I can’t keep trying with a man so insecure and accusatory? It’s killing me. I am loyal. I am told I am always on my phone or that I check it first thing. But I am not always on my phone. I am self-employed and get a lot of business via fb. I have 95% female clients on my fb. Yet I’m up to something. I check my phone first thing to see what time it is. I’ve even been worried lately to touch my phone first thing in case he gets mad and accuses me of something either there and then or later on. so, I was starting to do it, so he wouldn’t hear or feel me doing it.
He has taken no accountability in his role in the decline in our relationship. None. I have tried to increase my emotional knowledge and language. I’ve tried to talk calmly and even asked the other night ‘What do you need from me’ and I got nothing. I am so sick of men trying to make me be small, so they can feel big. I’m so sick of trying and never getting a similar effort back. Sorry I am very upset and just don’t know where to turn. I will continue my therapy journey as it’s needed, and I too also want to improve myself and break these bad repetitive cycles with men and attract the right men. And know how to argue better and just be the best I can. But I’m worried I can’t. I’m worried I am never going to get what I want which is a happy healthy relationship. How does 1 achieve this? (From Scotland)
We are drawn to the familiar—not what is good or bad for us. The recognition of the pattern is a very good start because it lets you know that your unconscious is making the choices fast and accurately choosing the wrong man every time. This is the essence of attachment theory and understanding why we are drawn to the same wrong person every time.
What the excitement or attraction is toward these men is it is a warning—not a go-ahead signal. I tell my patients who struggle with this pattern that the “bells and whistles” they hear are actually sirens. Don’t waste your time if you feel these things.
I’d begin by reading this book on relationships that is a good summary of attachment theory and begin working with a psychodynamic therapist—not behavioral, or cognitive-behavioral therapist. You need someone who understands attachment and boundary issues who can help you sort this out before the next relationship begins.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral
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