From Wales (edited from a much longer letter): I feel that I am not enjoying my life, I am filled with regrets, have social anxiety and probably aspergers and let my low self esteem pull me down and feel I wasted my 20s. I feel so frustrated, stuck and don’t know where to start
I am now 30 and live on a family farm in Wales with my parents and have a business partnership with my dad. I am bored and fed up of it. Hill farming in Wales has always been unprofitable, a lot of farmers say the same thing, my dad now in his 70 doesn’t want to retire, my parents ain’t getting younger and the responsibilities come to me, they’re forgetting things, having aches and pains
I am expected to carry on after them but I don’t want to.. I want to do something else I always wanted to go travelling, do work exchange, learn new things and work abroad…I always have an interest in archeology and history so would love to volunteer in that field to see what its like. I also feel it will help my confidence and learn new things. I’d like to try painting and decorating, plastering, or carpentry. Electrical engineering in the future but unsure but I’m no good at maths.
A part of me is afraid to take the leap, fearing it’s a bad decision, everyone will blame me, I’m being selfish, that bad things will happen, I’ll regret it and that I should carry on and accept it.
I think I should have been doing something to practice my social skills. I still suck at socialising, there have been times in my early 20s where people have tried to take advantage of me. I chose to isolate myself, to make my anxiety worse, don’t know why…
I been unwell these past 3 years and find I am losing motivation lately, I feel unmotivated and anxious fatigue, pins and needles and back pains, I feel unmotivated at the thought of going back to college after all these years.. The other fearing these physical feelings getting worse and having a chronic illness, doctor did all the blood tests, he didn’t think much was wrong, but I don’t feel the same.
Your problem is more common than you may think. Young people often aren’t content to carry on farming that has been a family tradition for generations. It’s hard for the older generation to let go. It’s hard for the younger person to disappoint the family, especially if leaving will mean the loss of the farm.
Your unfortunate “solution” to the dilemma may be to be isolated and depressed. You stay — but you let yourself and everyone else know that you don’t like it. I suspect the physical symptoms are related. (Just in case there is something medically wrong, do follow up with your doctor though.)
The answer is often a gradual change instead of a drastic one. You have lots of unexplored interests. A place to begin is to choose one and take a class or arrange a part-time internship. Interview people who do different jobs. Read. See if there is a way for you to take an evening off to go to class or to volunteer at a job you think you would like to pursue. You will learn more about options. A bonus is that getting out and doing something new will also increase your socializing.
While you explore, your family has the time to do their own exploring. Are there other people who can take on some of the farming tasks if you reduce your time there? Are there options for maintaining the farm they haven’t yet considered? Or is it possibly time to confront a painful reality that the farm needs to be sold?
No one can motivate you. You have to find that within yourself. No one can change the course of your life except you. You are already doing the hard work of farming and feel stuck. You have what it takes to do the hard work of taking some action to learn about alternatives to get unstuck.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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