From a teen in the U.S.: I feel like my fiance and I are having issues sexually because our sexual relationship is unbalanced. I will often touch her and go down on her, but she will not do the same for me. She never seems as though she is particularly interested in sex. She used to be more involved in our sex life but she no longer is.
Complicating factors include that she is a survivor of rape and we were both raised in strongly Christian households. She is more Christian than I am. We also both work 50 hours a week and she works early in the morning and so goes to bed early. Whenever I bring up the issues that I see in our sex life, she gets upset and defensive and I feel like it’s not an issue we can productively talk about. What are some ways we can have a more mutually satisfying sex life?
I’m very glad that you are asking these questions before you get married. You’ve listed a number of issues that make it difficult for a couple to have a mutually satisfying and happy sex life. Your fiance has suffered a traumatic sexual assault. Religious teachings from an early age may have taught her that sex outside of marriage is morally wrong. On top of that, she is just plain tired.
It is a positive comment on your sensitivity and love that you are seeking answers instead of just being upset or blaming. That speaks well for your relationship. Since the two of you have such a difficult time talking about sex, I think you need some help. A counselor can provide a safe place and guidance so that you can work this through. Since you both have a Christian background, a Christian couples counselor might be a good choice.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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