pi3: January 2020

Friday, 31 January 2020

Day #165: Know your spinal cord – The rubrospinal tract

This is day nine of know your spinal cord. Now for my usual bits, we have a whole category that I created just for these posts. They are in chronological order with the newest posts first, so I would recommend you start from the beginning post or dive in where you're interested. That said, we're going to tackle one of the smaller, but still important tracts, the rubrospinal tract!

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Coronavirus Anxiety: 4 Ways to Cope with Fear

As the coronavirus spreads, more and more people are becoming anxious about what it means in their life. After all, entire cities have been quarantined in China. Travel restrictions have been put in place throughout the world.

It’s perfectly normal to feel anxiety about this emerging health crisis. The coronavirus can be a deadly disease, but we also know that it’s most likely to be deadly in people who already have a weakened immune system.

Here’s how to cope with the anxiety and fear surrounding the coronavirus outbreak.

1. Don’t Inflate the Risk

Our brains are used to taking something that is made to sound scary and unknown, and inflating the risk of it actually happening to us. It’s a part of our brain’s intrinsic, built-in fight-or-flight response. Big and scary gets attention. Ordinary but also potentially bad for our well-being gets less attention. We’re scared of getting mauled by a coyote, but think nothing of getting into an automobile and driving every day. This despite the chances of dying in an automobile crash being much higher.

So a new virus outbreak is scarier than an existing health epidemic. Many news outlets and other sources of information online and social media overemphasize the problem — and its accompanying risks.

The ordinary flu is so far responsible for 15 million infections, 140,000 hospitalizations, and 8,200 deaths in the United States just this season. In comparison, the coronavirus has only infected approximately 8,000 people around the world (the vast majority of them in China) with less than 200 deaths. It is believed the coronavirus’s death rate may be around 2 percent, according to Reuters.

In short, the flu is far more common and so kills far more people every year. While the coronavirus may be more deadly, it’s not clear that it will infect as many people as the flu does.

2. Take Normal, Healthy Precautions

Both flu and coronaviruses are spread through everyday contact, through touch, a cough, or a sneeze. If you’re sick, stay home and don’t go to work or out in the world. If you’re not sick, stay away from close contact with a person who is and engage in healthy habits when it comes to cleanliness.

That primarily means washing your hands regularly and thoroughly. Out running errands? Come home and wash your hands, saying the ABC song in your head as you do. Use warm-to-hot water, plenty of soap, and don’t stop washing until the song is done. Can’t get to a sink? Carry a small travel-sized bottle of hand sanitizer with you (keep it in your car if you prefer), and use it regularly.

Keeping your immune system happy and healthy can help too, especially if you do get sick. A healthy immune system starts with a balanced diet and getting the amount of sleep you need to feel well-rested every night. Engaging in regular exercise is also important, even in the winter.

3. Avoid Overconsumption of Media

The longer you watch or read something, the more money a company makes, whether it’s online, on the TV, or on your phone. The coronavirus is a great opportunity for companies, as they work to scare you into believing that this outbreak is something you need to worry about constantly right this very minute.

It’s not. So instead of playing into their hands, limit your consumption of media and stories related to the outbreak. Scientists and public health officials are working overtime to better understand the virus and are looking at ways to limit its impact. Trust in their work and efforts.

If you need updates, check out a government resource for the best, most accurate information, such as the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).

4. Use Your Past Coping Skills

No matter what the focus of one’s anxiety, using what’s worked in the past to help manage those feelings is usually a good bet. Maybe it’s engaging in self-talk, to undo the irrational thoughts coming into your head with rational, fact-based responses. Maybe it’s reaching out to a trusted friend or family member, just to talk through your anxiety. Or maybe it’s engaging in some mindfulness or meditation techniques — ones that you’ve learned and that have worked for you in the past.

Whatever works to help relieve your stress and reduce your anxiety, try to do more of that in times like this, when you feel like the stress of this virus outbreak is getting to you.

Remember, outbreaks like this do occur from time to time throughout the world. It’s normal. While they can be very scary — especially if you live in a highly-infected area — the actual chances of your becoming infected are very small if you take common-sense precautions.

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Does Your Vocabulary Help or Hinder Your Self-Esteem?

The words you choose either give you power or take it away.

How familiar are you with your internal dialogue when it comes to building self-esteem?

The language you use can have a profound impact on your self-image, how you show up in the world, and how you live your life.

Words have the power to shape your beliefs and influence your decisions and can either empower you to love yourself more or to feel awful. The way you express yourself, your choice of words, and tone of voice creates energy that either gives you power or takes it away, so it makes sense that using empowering words does more for your everyday life than perpetuating negative thoughts.

Speech has the ability to change perception, so it’s important to stop negative thoughts before they wear you out.

Making the conscious choice to eliminate disempowering words from your vocabulary can be transformative.

The language you choose can be limiting. You can change your beliefs by being mindful of how you talk. People often use disempowering words such as can’t, have, need, should, never, always, try, and but.

Negative words are taken for granted as part of your everyday communication and narrows your mind in a way that cuts you off from other options and possibilities. Additionally, disempowering words have an effect on your feelings and behaviors.

They diminish your ability to be the master of your destiny, create discomfort, and decrease the amount of energy you have to move forward in a fulfilling way.

Why is it beneficial to set the intention of consciously choosing to use empowering vocabulary? Using positive language will shift your energy levels, elevate your power, and will help reduce resentment and drama in your life.

It will also enhance your ability to be a creator instead of a victim. You will become more open to options you didn’t see before. Implementing empowering language can enhance your strength and motivation you need to keep moving forward.

Here are 6 negative thoughts you can identify and reframe with empowering words:

1. Negative thought: can’t

When you say, “I can’t,” you set yourself up for failure because it means that you are giving up or that you lack the power. It implies a low self-image, helplessness, and a lack of self-control.

Using the word also increases your stress level, blocks creativity, and your ability to problem-solve.

Instead, use this empowering word: won’t.

When you say, “I won’t,” you assert confidence and self-control. It signifies preference and choice.

2. Negative thought: have to or has to

When you say, “I have to,” or “I need to,” you are relinquishing your ability to make your own choices and therefore become a victim. Using those words fosters the inner dialogue that creates conditions of powerlessness.

Instead, use these empowering words: choose to or want to.

Everything is a choice. You don’t “have to.” You “do” or “get to do.” Use choose to or want to instead.

When you say, “I choose to,” or “I want to,” you acknowledge that you have the right to choose your path.

3. Negative thought: should

When you say, “I should,” it implies there is a right or wrong way to do something. Thinking you might be wrong is not elevating. It sends a message that you are not in control or worthwhile and don’t want to do something.

The word “should” also signifies a lack of acceptance rather than encouragement.

Instead, use this empowering word: can.

This is why you can say “can or could.”

When you say, “I can, or I could” you are reinforcing your freedom and ability to take full ownership.

4. Negative thought: always or never/Sometimes or often

When you say, “always” or “never,” you’re trying to prove a point and become position based. Your goal becomes winning instead of understanding and positive resolution.

These words encourage awfulizing and catastrophizing thoughts which deplete your energy and cause anxiety.

Instead, use these empowering words: sometimes or often

When you say, “Sometimes, often, or seldom,” you don’t box yourself in and create an opportunity for openness and acceptance.

5. Negative thought: but

When you say, “but,” it causes everything that was said or thought before it to be negated. It often has the effect of changing a neutral statement into a negative one. The word closes off the conversation space or thought process.

Instead, use this empowering word: and.

However, when you say, “and,” it enables you and others to stay focused on your intentions and true to what you want to say or do. It allows you to remain more open and less defensive.

6. Negative thought: try

When you say, “I try” it means that you are unsure, indecisive, disengaged from the commitment, and it makes it OK to fail without a fight.

Instead, use this empowering word: commit.

When you say, “I commit,” though, you make a pledge that obligates you to a certain course of action. You work harder, you look for solutions when faced with obstacles, you don’t consider quitting as an option, and you don’t look back.

Commitments are empowering because they influence how you think, how you sound, and how you act.

Speaking a positive vernacular requires constant awareness.

Four strategies to help you succeed in using empowering words:

Be present: When you catch yourself using disempowering words don’t shame yourself, just remember sooner next time. Consistently congratulate yourself when you use empowering words.
Practice: Using positive words can become more habitual with practice. Some helpful activities include reciting positive affirmations in the morning or doing mirror exercises daily to reinforce the use of empowering words.
Shift: Identify disempowering words you would like to omit from your vocabulary and focus on the empowering words that will help to reframe your perspective, feelings, or understanding of a situation.
Focus on the benefits: Use self-talk to clarify how using empowering language allows you to feel healthier and more accepting.

Using these strategies habitually will enable you to replace disempowering words with a more helpful and productive dialogue.

Any word that creates the illusion that you don’t have a choice disempowers you. Removing negative words from your vocabulary takes time, patience, and practice. It is possible and comes with great rewards.

Consciously implementing empowering words makes any situation more tolerable, broadens and builds possibilities, and opens your mind to be able to speak from a place of choice and control. It helps reframe reality so that any situation can be more tolerable and enjoyable. The option is yours.

Challenge yourself to speak with power to bring out the best in yourself and others.

This guest article was originally published on YourTango.com: 6 Words You Use Everyday That Cripple Your Self Esteem (& the Empowering Words You Should Use Instead)

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Most People Want To Change These Personality Traits (M)

Personality change is possible with the right strategies.

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3 Glasses Of This Drink Can Double Weight Loss

A few glasses each day can help to increase weight loss by 100 percent.

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My Husband Constantly Criticizes Our Sex Life

From a woman in the U.S.: My husband and I have been together for seven years, married for less than a year, with a toddler. His past relationships have been non-traditional, in that he was in an open marriage, engaged in group sex/threesomes, was constantly at strip clubs, etc. Upon us getting together, I immediately made it clear that I did not share the same kinks and would not be in a relationship with someone who engaged in these activities (without me- I am happy to visit a strip club with him once in awhile to shake things up). He then pursued me, knowingly.

Over the years he has broken my trust repeatedly, soliciting inappropriate photos from his ex-wife (while I was sitting on the couch), keeping these photos even though I made it clear that I was not okay with him keeping photos of his past exploits, lying about his whereabouts while on business trips, making inappropriate/awful comments about his sexual ideals with friends- but he has also gotten significantly better in recent years. I have worked through his past indiscretions, and we have a small child together now, and again the sexual issues have come up.

I am not necessarily sexually conservative, but I am not interested in threesomes or swingers clubs, etc. We still have sex 1-2 times per week, and I try by putting on lingerie, sending racy photos, or trying new positions, toys, etc., but it seems that this is not exciting enough. Any time I have an issue with something, he immediately turns the argument against me, and tells me that I am controlling, and he’s changed enough, but I haven’t. It’s a recurring pattern, I bring up an issue in the relationship, and instead of addressing the problem, he turns the tables and somehow I am at fault, and we end up at sex, and how I haven’t tried to change for him.

My sex drive runs on an emotional connection (which we are lacking, as he has probably apologized to me once in the seven years we’ve been together, and he rarely acknowledges me or praises me), and he is looking for more physical/sexual aspects of the relationship. We’re equals, run a business together, have a child, but I am wondering if our sexual incompatibility will be fatal. I try as much as I can, but I also can’t be told repeatedly that it’s not enough.

If the sexual incompatibility isn’t fatal, the lack of emotional connection and disrespect from your husband will be. There must be something very compelling that you didn’t share for you to have married and had a child with this man despite such a long history of verbal abuse. I don’t know if what seemed to make it okay were positive things about him or insecurities/fears on your side — or both. But whatever it was seems to be wearing thin.

Please take a clear look at what keeps you in this. In my opinion, without trust, you don’t have much of a relationship. If that’s the case, it isn’t healthy for you and it isn’t healthy for a child to grow up in a home where his father treats his mother so poorly. Again, that’s a general opinion. There may be things about your relationship that you didn’t share that make a difference.

I do think you two can’t solve your differences on your own. You’ve tried for 7 years without results. I urge you to see a couples therapist to help you look at alternatives. If your husband won’t go, go yourself. You need an objective person who can hear your whole story to help you make some important decisions about your future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Bullying and Suicidality: What to Do About It

What can you do when one of your patients reports being bullied? Research has shown that being bullied increases the risk of depression, anxiety, and suicidality in children. In this...

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How to Shift Perspective When You’re Stuck in Your Own Way

Why We Can’t Believe Everything We Experience

Sitting by the edge of the indoor pool on a winter’s day, I swung my feet into the water, feeling the full-on rush of cold water against my feet and ankles. “Boy is this water cold,” I thought to myself. Not quite ready to plunge in, I dipped my fingers and then hands into the water, surprised to discover the warmth of the water against my skin. “Wait, actually the water feels nice and warm.” This phenomenon struck me as very curious. My feet, having been in my warm shoes, would have me believe the water was cold. My hands, having been in the cold air, would have me believe the water was warm. The water temperature was the same, it hadn’t changed. But my experience of it, my perception of it, was quite different depending on which part of my body was submerged in the water.

This perceptual illusion can occur not only with one’s physical senses, but with one’s thinking and cognitive processes as well. We can experience the same situation very differently, depending on our perspective and the narrative we tell ourselves about a situation. This, in turn, can affect how we feel and how we react. This concept is at the core of cognitive-behavioral therapy.

Think about a situation such as your co-worker walking past you with their head looking down in their phone, not even acknowledging you. If you are already in a bad mood or stressed from experiences that occurred earlier in the day or week, you might interpret that your co-worker was ignoring you, was upset with you, or was being rude. In turn, you might feel hurt or become more irritable.

Now imagine another day when you were in a fabulous mood, feeling peaceful and content. When you notice your co-worker walking past you without acknowledging you, you might wonder if they saw you, if they were unusually preoccupied or perhaps stressed. You might say “oh well” and go on with your morning, or perhaps call out hello or ask how they are doing.

Same situation, very different interpretation and subsequent reaction. Nothing changed about your co-worker’s behavior in these two scenarios; the only difference is your own perception and interpretation of the situation, filtered through the lens in which you are looking.

Creating Choice

Foundational to our well-being is the recognition that our cognitive perceptions are not fixed, solid truths but are in fact viewed through an interpretive lens. We can’t necessarily choose our split second, initial reactions and emotions, but when we practice bringing greater mindful awareness to those initial reactions, there is a space in which we have greater choice about how we proceed, what we tell ourselves going forward, and ultimately where we focus our attention.

I have a friend who recently was recovering from a concussion. She relayed to me that at times she found herself focusing on her perceived lack of progress, how long it was taking her to recover, and how she wished she were further along with being able to do more. At these times she noted that she felt subsequently frustrated, disappointed and upset. However, there were other times (even within the same day) when she chose to focus on the small but incremental progress she was making, the tiny but noticeable improvements that were occurring over time if she really looked. At these times, she felt a profound shift in her body and mood — a sensation of lightness, a feeling of optimism, and a sense of gratitude. By choosing where she rested her mind and by taking conscious control over her narrative, she experienced a dramatic shift in her emotions.

A Practice: Notice, Accept, Inquire, Shift

The following short practice involves four steps you can try when you feel stuck in a perspective that may not be serving you. To illustrate below, imagine a person who works from home the majority of the week whose house sustained water damage and has to undergo construction for the next two months.

1. Notice: Notice what it is that you are telling yourself about a given situation. How are you interpreting this situation? What narrative are you telling yourself? Is what you are saying accurate? Is it absolute truth? What happens inside your body when you believe this interpretation or story to be true? Don’t judge yourself, simply notice the workings of your mind with curiosity and openness.

This is going to be so stressful! I can’t stand when things are in disarray, and between the banging and daily upheaval I think I’m going to lose my mind! I don’t know how I’m going to handle this! This is awful! (Body feels tension, tightness, sense of being closed in.)

Accept: Accept whatever your initial feelings are about the situation. You don’t have to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine if you are feeling hurt and angry inside or upset. It is OK to acknowledge whatever you are feeling and accept the emotions that are present.

I am feeling anxious and unsettled. This is difficult for me.

Inquire: Inquire as to whether there might be alternative ways of looking at the situation. Imagine moving around a room and viewing the same object from multiple angles. Try on different narratives. Is there one that feels authentic and accurate and is more helpful to navigate the challenge at hand?

No question, this is a challenging situation and not one I would have chosen. But thankfully this (the water damage) is a fixable problem and the repair does have an end date. There was another time I had to go through something similar when my house was under construction and it was difficult but bearable.

Shift: Shift where you choose to focus your attention. Shift the lens from which you are looking. What happens in your body and mind when you do that? (This is not about burying your head in the sand or pretending something isn’t there or pushing away feelings. It is about inviting in something new, in addition to what already might be there, and noticing what happens as you rest your attention there).

I’m resilient in the face of change. This likely won’t be easy and I may need to be creative about finding places outside of the home where I can work. I can make sure to take care of myself by reaching out to people who I know will be supportive and who I can call on for help. I’ll get through this. (Body feels a bit more relaxed, at ease, sense of more breathing space).

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Universality and diversity in human song

In the same vein as the previous post on cultural variation and universal structures in music, another massive research collective reports on their study of universality and diversity in human music, emphasizing different dimensions of experience. They provide interactive graphic tools providing detailed descriptions and samples of songs. The tools pointed to in this and the previous MindBlog post give readers access hundreds (probably thousands) of different music samples, and their variety is astonishing. Here is a summary description done by Science magazine:

It is unclear whether there are universal patterns to music across cultures. Mehr et al. examined ethnographic data and observed music in every society sampled (see the Perspective by Fitch and Popescu). For songs specifically, three dimensions characterize more than 25% of the performances studied: formality of the performance, arousal level, and religiosity. There is more variation in musical behavior within societies than between societies, and societies show similar levels of within-society variation in musical behavior. At the same time, one-third of societies significantly differ from average for any given dimension, and half of all societies differ from average on at least one dimension, indicating variability across cultures.

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Thursday, 30 January 2020

Breaking the Fear of Psychosis

Hello, I know you guys have answered these types of questions a hundred times but I’m just looking for a little extra guidance from an outside source.

I have had anxiety for most of my life and have had it fairly well managed with therapy and occasionally medication as prescribed. I always turn it around and end up feeling great and carrying on with my life. Ever since I was a little kid I had the fear of “being crazy.” It seems to be a common topic amongst us anxious people. It will rear its ugly head during my anxiety flare ups, and I’ll usually get it back under control and carry on. These last 5-7 months though I’ve not been able to shake it. I made the stupid mistake of reading about psychosis and schizophrenia and of course now my anxiety has damn near “mimicked” every symptom. My intrusive thoughts that I’ve always had, I now question and fear will become “delusions.”

My hyperawareness Clings on to the slightest movement out of corner of eye or the slightest off sound and then thinks “was that a hallucination”. Someone mentioned that the vents in my office building sound like birds flapping/faint whispers and now that’s all I hear when I am around vents/fans (which is darn near anywhere these days) so then I fear that because I associate a sound to another, something must be wrong with me. Or if I accidentally say the wrong word, etc.

I don’t know how to get my anxiety past this stage of hyperaware where it is searching to “prove” my fear of psychosis. It’s exhausting. My psychiatrist has assured me I’m having no hallucinations as I am experiencing these moments only as there is external stimuli but it’s still hard to shake it. All of this panic because someone simply suggested what they thought something sounded like and my anxious mind went running with it.

So my questions are as follows:
1. The obvious question is does any of this sound like I’m actually experiencing early psychosis. I can’t help but ask.

2. How do recommend learning to let go of the hyperawareness. I’m really open to all as I’ve been doing my therapy etc and am simply looking for a 3rd party opinion to calm the nerves.

On one hand, you describe your anxiety as being relatively under control. On the other hand, it seemingly is not, at least not for the last 5 to 7 months. Perhaps your current treatment is not working or an adjustment may be needed. That adjustment may require a different type of treatment, more intense treatment, or a different type or dosage of medication. It would be best to discuss these potential adjustments with your psychiatrist and/or therapist.

One of the things that seems to have exacerbated your anxiety is your searching for information about psychosis and schizophrenia online. Despite knowing that this does exacerbate your anxiety, you do it anyway. You write about it as though you have no control over it, but in actuality you do. No one is forcing you to do the searches. You are the one going to the computer and entering the phrases into the search engine. You are choosing to do the searches even though it causes anxiety. This is a way of indulging your anxiety. You know it’s wrong but you’re doing it anyway. You have to think about why you are engaging in behavior that you know hurts you. Why are you allowing yourself to indulge your anxiety? You can simply end this particular issue by not doing the searches and by not doing the things that you know will exacerbate your anxiety. You’re making a choice, the wrong choice but the good news is that you can choose otherwise. Choose not to search. Try not doing it. Give it your best effort.

Relatedly, you consulted your psychiatrist who has heard your symptoms and has assured you that there is no evidence of psychosis. His reassurance does not seem to matter to you. It could be that you are simply rejecting his expert opinion and are choosing to believe something else, something that inflames your anxiety. This again is a choice. Your choosing not to believe in objective reality is a choice. The key to overcoming anxiety is to believe in reality.

Your psychiatrist assures you that you do not have symptoms of schizophrenia. You don’t seem to be demonstrating any of the signs thus far. The slightest movement out of the corner of your eye and the other related faint whispers that you hear are not consistent with hallucinations or delusions. Force yourself to believe in reality. Use facts to stay grounded in reality. The more that you can do this, the easier it will be to overcome your anxiety. Understandably, that is easier said than done. Counseling is the ideal place to practice these skills.

At this time, you’re choosing to believe in things that are not real and are rejecting the objective opinion of your treatment professionals. That feeds your anxiety. You can control this. You can overcome this with counseling and by forcing yourself to believe in reality and the importance of doing so.

To answer your direct questions, it does not seem as though you are experiencing early psychosis however, only an in-person therapist could make that determination. Diagnosis over the Internet is impossible. You did have an in-person therapist who has already determined that you do not have psychosis but as I mentioned above, you are choosing not to believe his opinion. Believe his opinion. It could help you immensely.

My answer to your second question is, I believe, already contained in my response above. Work on believing in reality and staying grounded in the facts. Don’t allow yourself to indulge your anxiety. No one is forcing you to research issues that frighten you and inflame your anxiety. You are making that choice. You can make different choice in the future.

I hope this helps. Write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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FCT: Tips and Strategies for Using Functional Communication Training

Functional communication training, or FCT, is a common intervention used to address both behavioral concerns and communication deficits. Functional communication training is an effective intervention with extensive research support. Let’s...

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7 Ways to Cultivate Self-Love

Most of us seek someone to love or to love us. We don’t think about cultivating self-love or realize that love originates within.

You may be seeking a relationship, but research suggests that singles are actually happier than married people, with the exception of happily married people. But even that dwindles over time. A new study shows that on average, after the first year, spouses return to their baseline state of happiness prior to the marriage. Thus, similar to the conclusions reached in the studies done on lottery winners, after marriage and after winning, we eventually return to how happy we are as individuals.

Thus, our self-esteem matters. Research has well-established that it’s a big factor in the health and happiness in marriage. In fact the level of our self-esteem before the relationship can predict its longevity. Low self-esteem can prevent us from reaping the rewards of love in a relationship.

We think about ourselves based on things we were told, incorrect inferences, and false beliefs informed by trauma and the parenting we received. These learned beliefs, defenses, and habits are not who we are, not our natural, true self. How can we reclaim it?

Cultivating Love

Cultivating self-love is a worthwhile endeavor for ourselves and to have happier relationships. Science has shown these remarkable benefits associated with love:

Better stress management
Better sleep
Better heart health
Longer lives
Improved self-esteem
Greater happiness
Lowered risk of depression

We are all born innocent and worthy of love. Our flaws, mistakes, and things that happened to us affect us, but are not who we are inherently. Once we understand this, we can begin changing our self-concept and nurturing our real self.

Love is like a garden we need to fertilize and cultivate. To fully give and receive love, we must first pull the weeds that sabotage it. We ward off invading pests in the form of toxic relationships, and welcome animals that protect and help our garden grow.

Your mind is a garden, your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds.

Self-Acceptance

What we resist persists. When we don’t accept ourselves, we strengthen a negative self-concept. Low self-esteem is self-reinforcing, making change and self-acceptance difficult. Paradoxically, when we accept our shortcomings, it’s easier to let them go.

Self-acceptance is greater than self-esteem, and self-acceptance paves the way for self-love. It means honoring and accepting all of ourselves, including our shortcomings, appearance, our mistakes, and feelings.

Self-Forgiveness

What we did is not who we are. Staying in self-blame and self-condemnation is harmful. On the other hand, guilt can motivate us to change and reach out to others. Great healing is possible with confession, self-forgiveness, and amends. Overcoming guilt releases us from the past and the person we once were. It paves the way for transformation, wholeness, self-respect, and self-love

Love is indivisible. It’s difficult to love ourselves when we harbor hatred toward someone else. Moreover, resentment toward ourselves or others keeps us stuck. When we forgive others, we feel freer and better about ourselves. Similarly, as we develop self-compassion and forgive ourselves, we’re more accepting and compassionate toward others. There are specific steps and stages in forgiveness.

Self-Appreciation

After pulling the weeds, we must nourish our garden with self-appreciation. Our mind does not distinguish between praise coming from others or our own words and thoughts. Do you focus on your shortcomings and deny or take for granted your positive attributes? Inventory your strengths, accomplishments, loving qualities, acts of courage, and your desire to give, love, and grow.

Practice appreciating yourself and others. Each day write three things you did well and qualities about yourself that you or other people appreciate. Focus on the positive, rather than the negative. It takes time and consistency to replace bad habits with life-affirming ones.

Self-Expression

Whether due to growing up in a dysfunctional family system or trauma later in life, when we deny painful emotions, we actually block positive ones as well. When we block pain, we can’t feel joy. We close our hearts and numb ourselves.

Repressing feelings is a form of rejecting ourselves that can lead to depression and can cause poor health and disease. We grow self-love when we express our feelings, needs, and wants. Negative feelings dissolve, and positive ones multiply. We’re liberated and have more energy to move forward.

Loving Actions

When we ignore, hide, or discount our needs and wants, we become irritable, resentful, and unhappy. But fulfilling our needs and wants is an act of self-love that lifts our spirits. It’s a key to happiness that calms and revitalizes us. Conversely, when we act in ways contrary to our values, such as lying or stealing, we undermine our self-worth. Doing esteemable acts raises our self-esteem. We’re able to hold our head up and feel deserving of respect and love. Do random acts of kindness you can add to your “did well” list.

Practice Gratitude

Gratitude is a high vibration that opens our hearts. It’s been scientifically proven to be healing. Practice gratitude by looking for things in your life and in the world to be grateful for — even when you don’t feel it. Write a daily grateful list, and read it to someone.

Self-Love Visualizations

You can enhance love with visualization. Breathe in and out of the center of your chest. Imagine it opening like a door or flower. Picture pink or green light flowing in and out as you breathe. Focus on beauty and things you’re grateful for. Say loving affirmations. Send this love to those you care about, to yourself, to those in need, and to the planet.

The above steps open your heart. Practice expressing love and compassion in all aspects of your life to experience greater peace and joy. Here are some more self-nurturing tips.

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I Don’t Think I Have What it Takes to Protect a Woman

From a teen in India: I feel incompotent I don’t feel I am a guy whom anyone should trust and I just don’t think I am worthy enough the truth is I don’t want to be in a relationship right now not because I don’t want to by healthy but because I feel I need to have some muscles and this will sound crazy but I want to learn how to shoot a gun well before I even try because I don’t think I will be a guy who will be able to protect her it just makes me feel that I am not worthy enough but I am not right? There might be people who might have issues but do I? Isn’t it possible that someone might genuinely need to get better to be in a relationship?

I also want to point out I am one of the happiest and peaceful person you will ever meet I am truly happy I love myself and I love everything about me but I just feel ….too weak for a girl…too incompetent for her.
Thank you for your time have a wonderful day and year !!!!

Many a young woman would feel like the luckiest person in the world to be with someone who is happy and peaceful and who loves themself. I don’t know where you got the idea that a woman needs a muscle man to protect her. What they most want and need is someone who is loving, supportive, trustworthy, and who shares her values. More important than the ability to physically fight is the ability to forge a working team with your partner.

You are not at all alone in feeling insecure about your ability to be a partner. At 19, it is normal. I assure you, most teens go through a period of self-doubt and insecurity. Most also don’t want to talk about it because they are under the impression that everyone else has figured it out. They haven’t. They will. So will you.

Please relax and be the happy person you are. Take part in things you enjoy where you will meet young women who like to do them too. Friendships will naturally develop. In time, one of those friendships may evolve into something more. You have plenty of time to find the right woman for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Day #164: Know your spinal cord – The grey matter

Today is day eight! I can hardly believe it, but here we are, day eight of spinal anatomy. For those of you who are just joining us, we have a whole new category just for these posts and they are in order from newest to oldest, so start at the bottom and work your way up. For those of you who have been following along, today we are tackling the grey matter of the spinal cord, a somewhat complex region where all the action takes place.

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When People Lie To Appear More Honest (M)

It sounds bizarre -- how can lying make you seem more honest?

→ Support PsyBlog for just $5 per month. Enables access to articles marked (M) and removes ads.

→ Explore PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

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A Review of the Treatment for Less Frequently Discussed Mood Disorders

Depressive disorders represent an extremely broad, heterogeneous group of disorders. These clinical syndromes share some common symptoms (especially dysphoria) but, in fact, reflect a number of disorders that have diverse...

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Podcast: Caring for My Bipolar Mother

When parents struggle with severe mental illness, their children can fall into the role of caregiver. What is this like from the child’s point of view? How does it affect their school life, their friendships or their worldview?

Today’s guest, mental health advocate and author Michelle E. Dickinson, experienced this firsthand as the child of a woman with bipolar disorder. From a very young age, Michelle remembers her mother’s manic highs and deep lows. She recalls the happy shopping sprees on “good” days, followed by the overwhelmingly sad days when her mother would cry and cry and Michelle would tell jokes and stories to try to get a smile.

Tune in to hear Michelle’s personal story — her childhood experiences, the moment she finally felt safe to tell her friends about her mom’s illness, her own bout with depression, and how it all led to her current work as a mental health advocate.

SUBSCRIBE & REVIEW

Guest information for ‘Michelle E. Dickinson- Trifecta of MI’ Podcast Episode

Michelle E. Dickinson is a passionate mental health advocate, a TED speaker, and a published author of a memoir entitled Breaking Into My Life. After years of playing the role of child caregiver, Michelle embarked on her own healing journey of self-discovery. Her memoir offers a rare glimpse into a young girl’s experience living with—and loving—her bipolar mother.

Michelle spent years working to eradicate the mental health stigma within her own fortune 500 workplace by elevating compassion, causing more open conversations, and leading real change in how mental illness is understood in the corporate setting.

She also knows first-hand what it feels like to struggle with a mental illness after experiencing her own depression due to challenging life events of her own. Michelle recently concluded her 19-year pharmaceutical career and she has emerged with a strong desire to positively impact the mental health landscape.

About The Psych Central Podcast Host

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar disorder. He is the author of the popular book, Mental Illness is an Asshole and other Observations, available from Amazon; signed copies are also available directly from the author. To learn more about Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

Computer Generated Transcript for ‘Michelle E. Dickinson- Trifecta of MI’ Episode

Editor’s Note: Please be mindful that this transcript has been computer generated and therefore may contain inaccuracies and grammar errors. Thank you.

Announcer: You’re listening to the Psych Central Podcast, where guest experts in the field of psychology and mental health share thought-provoking information using plain, everyday language. Here’s your host, Gabe Howard.

Gabe Howard: Welcome to this week’s episode of the Psych Central Podcast. Calling in to the show today we have Michelle E. Dickinson. She is a passionate mental health advocate, a TEDx speaker and the author of the memoir Breaking Into My Life. Her memoir offers a rare glimpse into a young girl’s experience living with and loving her bipolar mother, Michelle. Welcome to the show.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Thank you so much for having me, Gabe, I’m excited to be here with you.

Gabe Howard: Well, we are really glad to have you. One of the things that you talked about was that you have experienced the trifecta of mental illness. Can you explain what that means?

Michelle E. Dickinson: Absolutely. Yeah. You know, I didn’t set out to experience it, but that’s sort of what happened. So I grew up loving and caring for my bipolar mother. And that experience shaped me into the woman that I’ve become today. It initiated me down the road of wanting to tell my story. So I gave a TED talk about my experience with my mom. But then it also had me write my memoir, Breaking Into My Life. So that was sort of where I thought it would all stop. I was adopted, so I didn’t feel like I could have her bipolar disorder genetically. But then last year I was experiencing a major life event and I dealt with depression for the first time. Really having me get that nobody is immune to mental illness. Simultaneously to that for the past two plus years. I worked for a Fortune 500 company where we built the fastest growing and largest mental health employee resource group to really eradicate the stigma in the workplace. So that’s my trifecta and how I’ve been affected by mental illness.

Gabe Howard: That is very thorough. You know, many people, they don’t have one. They don’t know anybody that lives with mental illness. They don’t have any mental illness or mental health issues. And of course, they’ve never worked on any sort of advocacy level because they don’t know that they need to. So that’s just a wealth of knowledge. Do you feel that that’s prepared you to be a better advocate or is it just this is the way it is?

Michelle E. Dickinson: I truly do think it’s prepared me. I didn’t invite it, but yet when I was dealing with a depression and then having to navigate my day job with it, I feel like it all turns out that it’s serving me. I got to observe what worked and what didn’t work when it came to programs and efforts that we were doing in the company culture. And that prepared me as to what was effective and what wasn’t in that specific space. I’m so passionate about wanting there to be inclusion for people with invisible disabilities that those experiences, I think further ignited my desire to be an advocate. No kidding. Like my life’s purpose is to make a difference in this space.

Gabe Howard: Thank you so much for all the work that you do. Let’s talk about your childhood and caring for your mother. You were a teenager, you were a minor and you were caring for an adult. Can you talk about that a little bit?

Michelle E. Dickinson: Yeah, sure. You know, and it was my normal. So I didn’t know any different. And it’s just sort of like what you do. Right? Life shows up. And that’s just you navigate it and then you look back and you go, wow, that was so different than most people. So my mom had bipolar probably from the age — I was very, very young — like, I want to say, from 6 years of age, really, really little. And I noticed she was a little bit different, like she would have these periodic moments of sadness and then she’d have this mania, and it was like, hang on for the rollercoaster. There were times she was hospitalized. She had shock therapy. She had all kinds of different treatments, medications, etc. But there were moments when she was just not sick enough to be hospitalized or well enough to be functioning. So she’s very fragile. And those were the moments where I really did have to play the child caregiver like my father could not stay home for more. He was the breadwinner. So he would look at me and say, would you just stay home and be with her because she’s crying. We need someone to look after her. She’s just too fragile. So there was that, there was keeping it a secret at school. You didn’t want anyone to really know that your mom was sick, right? Mental illness even back then was just so people just would make fine. Like, you know, your mom’s crazy. I would keep my friends away from the house. She was too volatile. Like she would act completely irrational. And then I’d have to explain it to my friends and then try to show up to school the next day and pretend like everything is normal. It was definitely hard, you know. And then even as I got older, I didn’t live at home, but I was still sort of under her thumb, like she still always had a hold on me.

Gabe Howard: As you know, being an advocate, what people don’t know is amazing. It’s absolutely astounding to me that we can be this disconnected from our own minds. And I say that knowing that when I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I had no idea there was anything wrong. And I think about my career trying to explain it as a 40 year old, you know, here I am. I do this for a living and I think about this a lot. And I just have such a difficult time explaining this to other fully functioning, capable adults. Can you talk about what it was like at ten, twelve, fifteen years old to explain this to other 10, 12 and 15 year olds?

Michelle E. Dickinson: Yeah, there was a lot of embarrassment and shame. Having a mom that was completely different than my girlfriends’ moms. Right? I go to their homes and their mom would be loving, caring, nurturing, not irrational, completely stable. So I didn’t realize that until that contrast was there. And because there was shame and embarrassment, I didn’t talk about it. So I wasn’t telling the ten and twelve year olds what life at home was like. I was embarrassed and I was ashamed. It wasn’t until I actually went to my Catholic youth group and found myself on a retreat weekend where I felt safe enough to share what I was experiencing at home. And I did it under the guise of a conversation that went like this. You never know what someone’s dealing with outside of school. You never know what they’re dealing with at home. Just be nice. And that was my message. And then I shared with them, you know, because I have a mom who’s who’s not well at home and I don’t share that. But when you’re nice to me in school, that makes all the difference for me, because it’s hard at home. And when I had the ability to share that openly with the kids in the youth group at that retreat, it was like a boulder was lifted from my shoulders and I could just be me. And then all these kids got it. And they understood. They understood enough. They didn’t need to know the gory details. They didn’t get into the details. I just said she’s so sad sometimes and there’s nothing I can do. And it was met with just such love and compassion and support that these people became my tribe.

Gabe Howard: When was the first time you actually said to somebody, my mother has bipolar disorder?

Michelle E. Dickinson: Probably when I started to understand the terminology, I would say later in high school, I started to understand it because then at that point my dad and I were strategizing on, OK. So maybe she needs a new med. Maybe she needs to see a different doctor. The medication is not working. Is it that the medication is not working or is she not taking it? So I would strategize with my dad and we would talk about different types of care. And I got really aware of what her illness was so that I could help him. And we would have these conversations. You drive me to school and we’d strategize about, OK, what’s next for mom? What are we going to do? She’s not well. There was nothing you could do.

Gabe Howard: You said that there was nothing that you could do, what were your attempts and how did your mother respond to them?

Michelle E. Dickinson: As a little girl, I thought that I actually had the ability to impact my mother’s mood. That was a false reality, Ray. But I grew up thinking if I was just a good little girl, she wouldn’t get mad at me. If I was just a happy little girl, I could get her out of her sadness. There was a time that I write about it in the book where I came home from school and she was crying. And I remember sitting on the ottoman and making jokes and trying to make her laugh and telling her silly stories about my Spanish teacher and what she said to me and Marco And I tried so hard to make her laugh, and she just wouldn’t laugh. And I think I think that the greatest impact, because the mania was Disney. The mania was fun. I mean, we were going shopping sprees and she would treat me like the loving daughter and have this snapshot of like a happy mom. And I savored it. It was hard. It was really hard to just watch her cry, you know? And then I had a father, God bless him, did the best I could. But he was even naive to the illness because he would be the one to say, stop acting out. You’re the one that’s gonna cause her to get upset. Or he would say to her, snap out of it. And those are the signs where you just like he really didn’t understand it. So that fed into my belief that my behavior and how I interacted with her could affect her mood and I could actually improve her illness, which was really a hard pill to deal with because that created a co-dependent person. It created someone who never spoke their truth. It created someone who put the needs of other people first. Always. Yeah, it shaped me. Literally shaped me.

Gabe Howard: Everything that you’ve just described is not unusual for adults to say about other adults. I talked to 40 year olds who are working with their adult children. I talk to siblings who are in their 30s, 40s, 50s. And they describe it exactly the same way that you did. But of course, you had the added wrinkle of also being a teenager

Michelle E. Dickinson: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: And also Michelle, not to age you. I don’t want to call out anybody’s age, but you grew up before the Internet, so you couldn’t just Google this.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Now.

Gabe Howard: You and your dad couldn’t sit down on a computer and find out how other families were handling it. You couldn’t e-mail an article to somebody and say, look, I can’t explain bipolar disorder, but I read this account online and this is really what my family is going through. None of that existed.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: So you were not only a teenager who was already in your own bubble, you were a teenager dealing with mental illness in your own bubble.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: How did your dad respond to you? Because it sounds like if you were your mom’s caregiver and you and your dad were sort of partnering on how to best handle your mom, was your father doing any parenting? How did that feel?

Michelle E. Dickinson: My dad’s focus was let me just provide. Let me just work hard. Let me make sure that she’s got the health care she needs. Let me create a vacation to take her away from her life for a minute, because I know that’s gonna make her happy. He left her to really, like discipline and take care of me unless things got really upsetting for her. He wouldn’t really interject. It’s very easy to say, oh, well, you know, what did your dad do? What did your dad not do? I look at my dad now with a whole level of compassion, because my dad grew up the alcoholic mother. He had a really rough childhood. And so then he marries a woman who’s bipolar and then he just keeps his head down and just works hard and just tries to provide and take care of. And then he’s got the task of taking her to a mental institution when she gets so bad. As I was like really unpacking my childhood, my heart really went out to him for what he did do instead of what he didn’t do. I think it’s very easy to point fingers and say he could’ve done a better job. He could’ve helped raise me better. He could have reassured me and given me the things that my mother didn’t. But he was doing the best he could. And I have a lot of compassion and respect and love for what he did do

Gabe Howard: You know, this illness is so massive, it’s so misunderstood. It takes years to get under control. And people who have absolutely no knowledge, resources or skillset, they have no preparation for this are on the frontlines of preparing for it. This is our system and I don’t think people believe us. What do you have to say to that? Because there is always that great success story and everybody says, oh, see, it’s not so bad. There’s this person, there’s this person, there’s this person. But sadly, we know how few and far between those stories are.

Michelle E. Dickinson: For me, I came out the other side. OK. Right> To your point, like, I came out OK. And people say to me, oh, my gosh. Like, you’re OK. Like you actually are contributing member of society. Given what you’ve been through. Going back to what you said about the Internet and information and conversations that are happening in celebrities that are talking and speaking out. I think we’re coming into a space now where there’s more capacity to be connected so people don’t have to be isolated and navigating this anymore. It’s a beautiful thing. When I find out a 15 year old girl has read my book, has a bipolar mom and reaches out to me to tell me you give me hope that I’m going to be OK. So I think that more people talking about it, more resources, communities becoming stigma free communities. Celebrities openly disclosing that they went to a mental institution to get help. I want to focus on the positive, because I think that there’s so much good that that’s happening. And we’re just getting momentum. And I think that we’re not going to have as many instances as what I dealt with because we’re in a different time and where people are really ready to talk about it more. So we’re not fully there yet because there’s still a lot that don’t. But I want to really focus on the fact that we’ve come so far and we’re going to go further.

Gabe Howard: I love your message of positivity and hope because in some moments, hope might be the only thing that somebody has and that can very much get you to step one. We’ll be right back after these messages.

Sponsor Message: Hey folks, Gabe here. I host another podcast for Psych Central. It’s called Not Crazy. He hosts Not Crazy with me, Jackie Zimmerman, and it is all about navigating our lives with mental illness and mental health concerns. Listen now at Psych Central.com/NotCrazy or on your favorite podcast player.

Sponsor Message: This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.com. Secure, convenient, and affordable online counseling. Our counselors are licensed, accredited professionals. Anything you share is confidential. Schedule secure video or phone sessions, plus chat and text with your therapist whenever you feel it’s needed. A month of online therapy often costs less than a single traditional face to face session. Go to BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.and experience seven days of free therapy to see if online counseling is right for you. BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral.

Gabe: We’re back discussing her memoir, Breaking Into My Life, with author Michelle E. Dickinson. Eventually, you became an adult. You were no longer a child caregiver. You. You left the house. What’s happening with your mom and your dad now?

Michelle E. Dickinson: My mom and my dad have passed away, and when my mom passed.

Gabe Howard: I’m so sorry.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Away, thank you. When my mom passed away, it actually gave me the freedom to write her story because remember, I still believed until I was in my twenties that what I did said or acted impacted her well-being. So there is no way I was writing the story at all until she was no longer here. So I had the freedom to write the story at that point. It’s not without impact. The experience growing up with my mom, you know, I’ve had I’ve been married. I’ve found myself in codependent situations. I’ve found myself muted where I just didn’t feel comfortable raising my voice and asking for what I wanted. I’m still in therapy. The impact of some of the abusive situations and the limiting beliefs. And I’m trying to embark on this entrepreneur world. And I have the voices in my head of my mother telling me, you know, who do you think you are that you can do this? I’m still trying to navigate all this as an adult and make a difference. And that’s where my heart is. So.

Gabe Howard: At the top of the show, you said you understood the trifecta of mental health. One of those was being diagnosed with depression on your own. Did you understand more of what your mother was going through or where she was coming from by being diagnosed with depression? And can you talk about that a little bit?

Michelle E. Dickinson: I think the hopelessness. Like my mom’s hopelessness. I never understood because I be like, God, it’s such a beautiful day that the sky is blue. What a gorgeous day we have in front of us. Right? Until I dealt with depression and it was hard to get out of bed and it was a beautiful day outside. And yet I couldn’t see the beauty in the day. So I think when I finally experienced that and then I wasn’t motivated and I wasn’t focused and I was constantly worrying and I was just not in a good space. I started to really get. You can’t tell a depressed person to snap out of it. You can’t tell a depressed person all the things that they should be grateful for and how beautiful the day is. You can’t do that. They have to feel what they feel and navigate it and deal with it and get the therapy themselves and work out whatever they need to do to just try to get back to normal. Just get back to, you know, an even state. Yeah. Like the hopelessness was definitely something I remember going, god, that’s what it was like for her. But with bipolar, it was a constant roller coaster of that and that hopelessness. And there was nothing anyone could say to me to help me be more upbeat, except for my therapist who would walk me through some situations and guide me. But there’s nothing anyone can really say to you. And I think that there comes a level of compassion that shows up when, you know, there are people around you dealing with depression. The pep talk might not be the way to go. The ear might be the way to go.

Gabe Howard: I love what you said there about when you experienced it. You understood it more. I do think that man, as somebody who lives with bipolar myself, I kind of wish that I could lock somebody in a room and give them all the symptoms in a 24 hour period and then release them into the wild and just watch how kind and considerate and understanding and patient

Michelle E. Dickinson: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: They become. So obviously, I’m sorry that you have depression. Nobody wants to to have depression, but it

Michelle E. Dickinson: Yeah,

Gabe Howard: Got you the trifecta.

Michelle E. Dickinson: It did. Yeah.

Gabe Howard: Let’s talk briefly about the third part, because that’s the advocacy part. And I love the advocacy part so, so much because, you know, you understand it. And that’s fantastic. Michelle understands it. But you’re helping create many, many, many, many, many more Michelles. And you’ve gone into the workplace

Michelle E. Dickinson: Mm hmm.

Gabe Howard: And mental health challenges and issues crop up at work all the time. You started the largest corporate mental health movement.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Mm hmm. Yeah. So at the time that I had released my book, the company was really starting to get connected to the importance of creating a culture of inclusion for people with invisible disability. That really is the last piece of inclusion when you think about diversity and inclusion in the workplace. If we can accommodate a physically disabled person with a wheelchair ramp, we should be accommodating someone with a mental illness. But the challenges is we have so many people who don’t feel like that’s something they ever want to disclose at work. They put their game face on, they go to work. They are dealing with what they’re dealing with. And then the additional stress and strain of having to conceal that in the workplace just compounds their mental illness. So when I was at my Fortune 500 company, my book was released. I was using my book to initiate conversations. Well, let me tell you my story. Let me tell you my experience. Let me humanize mental health for you. If you have no relationship to it, I want you to understand what it’s like. So maybe maybe you don’t feed into what the media portrays as mental illness and you start to understand it a little bit better and not fear it and maybe cause a conversation that wasn’t going to happen as well. So I was part of a team that initiated the largest mental health employee resource group, and it was so cool to watch that.

Michelle E. Dickinson: When you kind of build it, people will come right. People started to come out of the shadows and go, wow, I want a stigma free environment. I want my people in my immediate departments to feel comfortable that if they’re dealing with something, they share it and they know that they’ll get the empathy and the support that they deserve. So it was incredible. It was really incredible to just see so many people. You don’t realize how many people are either serving as a caregiver, have dealt with it themselves or just genuinely have compassion for others who they’ve witnessed having to deal with it. So it was a great experience. I mean, two thousand employees across the globe joined. It was incredible. Groups were having conversations, roundtable discussions, TED talks were happening around their experience with a loved one who maybe dealt with depression, PTSD, attempted suicide, whatever it is. Those were conversations initiators and it helped employees not feel isolated and be like I see myself in that story. Let’s have a conversation. So it’s powerful when you can create a resource group within your company that aligns people with something that is so taboo to talk about. But at least you have a core group of people talking about it.

Gabe Howard: And once people talk about it, as you pointed out, they get the correct information. They feel connected and they feel a lot more empowered. And obviously, if you feel alone and isolated and you don’t get the help that you need, you miss more work. If you miss more work, because it’s not only a problem for you as the employee, but it’s also a problem for the employer.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Yeah.

Gabe Howard: They hired you for a reason. So I’m desperately avoiding jumping up on a soapbox. But I wish that employers and employees understood that they have a symbiotic relationship.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Absolutely.

Gabe Howard: Right. If the employees are calling in sick because of mental health issues, the employer is not getting their needs met. And obviously, the employee is also not being paid. They risk their health insurance,

Michelle E. Dickinson: Yes.

Gabe Howard: Et cetera, which, of course, they’re not going to get well from whatever mental health and or mental illness issue that they have. So working together to resolve these issues really does make life better for the entire company on all sides.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Aside from it being the right thing to do for employers to care about mental health, mental disorders are the single most expensive category of health costs for many employers across all industries and sizes. 17 billion U.S. dollars is lost annually in productivity in the US because of unaddressed mental health concerns. There’s a disability expense that every company has, whether or not they choose to look at what the percentage of that that is mental health. When you lie and say, I’m gonna go because I have a stomach ache, I’m going to take off a work. There’s so much that could be done proactively to prevent people from checking out and just not being the best they can be in their job. So it’s time we meet employees where they are.

Gabe Howard: I love that. I am glad that you were here. I appreciate having you. Where can folks find you and where can folks find your book?

Michelle E. Dickinson: Sure. Sure. So you want to go to my Web site. I would love to hear from people. I love love hearing from people. It’s MichelleEDickinson.com. That’s my web site. You can learn about my programs that I bring to corporations, my children’s well-being program, other services that I offer. And then you can also get my book on that page as well through Barnes & Noble or Amazon.

Gabe Howard: Wonderful, thank you so much for being here, we really appreciated having you.

Michelle E. Dickinson: Thank you for having me, Gabe.

Gabe Howard: You’re welcome. And listen up, everybody. We have our own Facebook group. All you need to do is join and you can find it by going to PsychCentral.com/FBShow that’s PsychCentral.com/FBShow. And remember, you can get one week of convenient, affordable private online counselling anytime, anywhere, simply by visiting BetterHelp.com/PsychCentral. You’ll also support our sponsor and we love that. We’ll see everyone next week.

Announcer: You’ve been listening to The Psych Central Podcast. Want your audience to be wowed at your next event? Feature an appearance and LIVE RECORDING of the Psych Central Podcast right from your stage! For more details, or to book an event, please email us at show@psychcentral.com. Previous episodes can be found at PsychCentral.com/Show or on your favorite podcast player. Psych Central is the internet’s oldest and largest independent mental health website run by mental health professionals. Overseen by Dr. John Grohol, Psych Central offers trusted resources and quizzes to help answer your questions about mental health, personality, psychotherapy, and more. Please visit us today at PsychCentral.com. To learn more about our host, Gabe Howard, please visit his website at gabehoward.com. Thank you for listening and please share with your friends, family, and followers.

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Am I Hopeless?

I’ve been living with BPD my whole life, but only in the last year have I been actively searching for help. I’ve done some research about recovery from BPD, and it seems the recovery rate is abysmally low. (2-5%) I find myself being jealous, emotional, and untrusting almost constantly. My mind is a warzone, and I hate myself. I’ve ruined so many relationships…even my marriage. I attempted suicide about a year ago. I feel like people who love me really don’t. So, is that it? Should I just accept I’ll never, ever be a good person? That I’ll always be alone because I’m sick?

You are not hopeless—not at all. While I can understand why you would feel this way there are several things in your favor that are evident in your email. First, you are an amazingly resilient person for your perseverance and courage in dealing with BPD your whole life. Secondly, you are asking for help and making an effort to learn more about your condition and the best way to cope. You are noticing the destructive patterns, which means that there is a very healthy part of you that is capable of noticing the self-defeating behavior. We ultimately want this part of you to grow. In the middle of all this, you were able to get and stay married even though you have difficulty accepting love. You are someone who knows how to survive; now it is time to learn how to thrive.

Particularly for Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), I would recommend Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) This is specifically targeted to help you manage your thinking and uses a well-researched and effective form of therapy that someone with your strength of character and readiness is likely to profit from

This is a broad-range treatment that focuses on mindfulness, interpersonal effectiveness, distress tolerance, and emotional regulation. As you will notice, these are the four areas that you have discussed in your email. Do not worry about the numbers — find what will work for you and be one of the people who learns to regulate themselves and gets more out of life. DBT typically has weekly sessions in both individual and group therapy. For the issues you’ve identified, I would check out the find help tab at the top of the page for therapists or facilities in your area that practice this approach.

Finally, I’d like to come back to your strengths, which I’ve mentioned in the beginning. Your character strengths are the way you move forward with hope and energy directed at a change in your life. I would take the character strength survey and follow the suggestions about bringing them more into your life. As you transition, you’ll want to reduce the behaviors that have been problematic while increasing the ones that have been helpful. Learning your character strengths is the best way to balance this process going forward.

Each of us has a handful of signature strengths that, when we use them, typically lead to greater well-being. By engaging in DBT and learning about your character strengths you’ll be moving toward a life that will allow you to feel better about yourself, which will allow you to feel more connected with others.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Am I Hopeless?

I’ve been living with BPD my whole life, but only in the last year have I been actively searching for help. I’ve done some research about recovery from BPD, and it seems the recovery rate is abysmally low. (2-5%) I find myself being jealous, emotional, and untrusting almost constantly. My mind is a warzone, and I hate myself. I’ve ruined so many relationships…even my marriage. I attempted suicide about a year ago. I feel like people who love me really don’t. So, is that it? Should I just accept I’ll never, ever be a good person? That I’ll always be alone because I’m sick?

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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How to Cope When Your Abuser Gets Away With It

One of the most bitter pills to swallow is when the person who abused you, assaulted you, committed a crime against you, or otherwise injured you, gets “let off” free...

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A Simple Way to Enrich Your Relationship

“I shouldn’t have to tell him. He should know what I want,” Cindy thinks about her husband. She believes he should know when she’s in the mood to go out for pizza, not sushi and vice versa. He should know what she wants for her birthday. He should know what turns her on sexually. She wonders how he can be so clueless, but she doesn’t say a word.

Some people can get their needs met without saying a word. They’re called infants.

A mother learns to read her baby’s cues. She soon knows which kind of crying means “I’m hungry,” “I’m tired,” or “I’m uncomfortable; I need my diaper changed.” She understands which body movements and facial expression say “I’m scared,” “I’m happy,” and “I want that.”

Does True Love Mean He Can Read Her Mind?

Adults who find partners who can read their mind exist in fairy tales and romantic movies. There, charmed couples don’t need to be told how to give the perfect kiss, gift, or massage.

What do these examples of mind-reading have to do with real life adult relationships? Very little, even in the best of marriages.

Usually, the best way to feel understood by your partner is to say clearly what’s on your mind kindly and respectfully. Even the most sensitive, intuitive spouse cannot read your mind any more than you can read his or hers. Yes, in a good relationship, there will be some tuning into each other, but don’t expect miracles.

If your self-expression was stifled when you were young, you’ll have some catching up to do as you learn to feel more comfortable speaking your truth. This is okay, and therapy can be helpful. You’ll become more relaxed about saying what’s on your mind as you continue to practice using positive communication skills.

Finding Out What Each of You Needs

Sometimes we’re not clear about what we want or need at the moment. Our partner may also feel unclear or have something in mind but not say it. Fortunately, a solution exists for learning just how strongly each of you feels about something.

If I’d like our weekly date to be sitting by the sea and watching boats sail by and my husband says okay but his tone lacks energy, I might say, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do you want to do this? Actually, I no longer need to phrase it this way. I can just say, “How much?” He knows that ten means he wholeheartedly wants to do whatever I mentioned, and one means he has no interest. So he’ll say some number between 1 and 10. Usually, if he says seven or more, I understand that he’s at least somewhat interested. If he picks a number under 5, I might do the activity on my own. Sometimes he humors me by saying 847 or more to let me know he’s quite willing.

We can use the 1 to 10 scale on ourselves, too, when we’re not sure how important it is to us to spend a windfall on a vacation, buy new bedroom furniture, or put the money into a savings or retirement account.

Unexpressed feelings cause many issues for which couples seek therapy, wants and needs. Trust breaks down when one partner thinks the other has not kept an agreement that was not an agreement but an unspoken expectation.

Solution for Cindy

Cindy would be happier in her marriage by addressing the pizza or sushi dilemma by asking her husband, “On a scale of 1 to 10, how important is sushi to you? He says 8. Let’s say she craves pizza so much that it’s a 10 for her. She asks him for a number for pizza, and he says 7. He agrees to pizza that night, then suggests, “How about sushi next week?” She likes sushi well enough, so says fine. Or, if they’re lucky enough to have a place nearby that serves both sushi and pizza, they might go there.

How would you use the 1 to 10 scale to learn how important something is to your mate? Whether it’s about something small or big, now you have an easy way to find out and keep your connection thriving.

Note: Parts of this article appear in the author’s book, Marriage Meetings for Lasting Love: 30 Minutes a Week to the Relationship You’ve Always Wanted (New World Library), which explains step by step how to apply these techniques.

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Wednesday, 29 January 2020

Day #163: Know your spinal cord – The spinal nerves

Here we are, a week into knowing your spinal cord (remember we have a new category for you to find these posts). If you're just starting out, you may want to look at our new neuroanatomy category and start with the first post. For those of you who have been following along, we covered some of the major tracts of the spinal cord, so let's dive into the structure some! First up, let's talk about spinal nerves and what exactly these guys do.

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