Why Do I Hate Myself?

Ftom a teen in the U.S.:  I hate myself. I always have. I’ve been bullied and made fun of for my appearance every time I look in the mirror I wanna cry. I’m crying while typing this. I’ve been feeling this way for a long time and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I don’t see a pretty girl. I just see an ugly fat girl with a terrible personality. Nothing in my life ever goes well. And me being ugly explains literally everything that has ever happened in my life. If I could be a different person, trust me I would. At least then I’d be happy. Freshman, Sophomore and junior year of high school boys would make fun of literally everything about me and there’s nothing that they said that wasn’t true. What’s wrong with me?

Here’s what’s wrong. You’ve internalized what the bullies said. It’s like water wearing away at a stone. A drop of water doesn’t damage it. But over time, if the water keeps going over it, and especially if it goes over it hard, the stone gradually gets worn down. The bullies have done the same thing to your self-esteem. They’ve gone after you long enough and hard enough that you are worn down and worn out. You’ve even come to believe what they have said.

There’s nothing wrong with you. Really. Look around. I don’t know if you are really overweight or if your perception of your appearance has been skewed by the bullies’ comments. Regardless, it’s not the looks we have but what we do with them that matters. Look at the celebrities who are “overweight” and happy. Melissa McCarthy, Queen Latifia, and Rosie O’Donnell haven’t let their weight stop them.

Your assessment of your personality has also probably been damaged by the bullying. Not everyone is an extrovert. Not everyone is quick with the perfect come back. Not everyone is the life of the party. There are plenty of people who are introverted or shy and are happy.

Here’s the secret bullies don’t want people to know. They are insecure, frightened people. The only way they have to feel good about themselves is to feel better about someone else. They target you, not because there is something wrong with you, but because there is something very wrong with them.

You can recover from the effects of being so worn down. Some bullied kids find a core of strength deep down in themselves to resolve not to let the bullies win. They find ways to cope and then to thrive. But you may be too beaten down to do that on your own. If so, please, please find a therapist to work with you. Together you can find the strengths that you have forgotten you have. Together, you can find ways to deal with the bullying comments so they run off you instead of wearing you down further.

I’m very glad you wrote to us. It shows me that there is a little flame of hope still burning inside. Get yourself the help you need to fan that flame until you glow. You deserve it.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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