I accidentally sent him a text about him that was intended for someone else stating that I was not now in love with him. I have had feelings for him for quite some time but he did not know, he was just a friend in his mind as he is gay and married (his husband lives in another country). He was always telling me about people he kicked out of his life over stupid things and now he kicked me out of his life over this text and the fact that I was discussing him with someone else…but I was seeking advice from a friend regarding my feelings for him. He doesn’t want to hear it. We had an intimate friendship…he walked around in his underwear all the time, I slept over at his place once a week, I shaved his back for him a few times and cooked meals for him. He is also the director of my community choir so he has a high placing in the choir, of which I told no one in the choir that we were even friends as I didn’t want the choir board to cause problems for him. But now he doesn’t talk to me or want me even as a friend anymore because I talked to my friend about him, but he would tell me all the time about people behind their backs…he even told me about a crush he had on a straight man, so I thought it would not be a problem to tell him I felt how I did, but I was wrong. Now it is miserable at the choir and I cannot stop thinking about him. (From Canada)
There are several curious features of your email that I’d like to highlight because they seem to be unexplored.
To begin with, you are a woman declaring your love for a gay man who is married in a long-distance relationship. Psychologically this situation cannot be minimized or overlooked because I believe it has the dynamics that are creating the dilemma.
According to attachment theory we are going to be drawn to what we are familiar with, not what is good or right or healthy for us per se, but what we are used to. You are a woman drawn to a completely unavailable man. He is gay and married. This means that your choice, the very desire itself, is going to put you in a state of disappointment, misery, and frustration. The choice is the issue — not his reaction. Wanting what is not possible to have is a sure-fire recipe for pain. To add to this you then feel shocked that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. This is important. He didn’t kick you out of his life over a mistake — you chose someone who was not and could not be available for you and he has now confirmed this.
The unconscious choice to be drawn to someone unavailable is typically established by dynamics in the family of origin. More often than not a parent (or both) are emotionally unavailable. The most common manifestation of this is a parent with an alcohol problem, a compulsive disorder, or a psychological condition. Once unveiled it is typical for someone middle-aged to realize that many of their choices of intimacy have been similar, and the ones that were available were left or deemed unacceptable. I don’t know if anything like this was happening in your family, but this is often the situation.
I believe it takes great courage and persistence to understand and deal with this and this would be a very good opportunity for you to explore this with a therapist who can help you look at the family and relationship dynamics mentioned.
The mistake wasn’t the text — it was not realizing the choice you were making couldn’t work.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral
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