What Am I Anymore?

I’m 14 years old, I’m aromantic, and I can’t tell what I am anymore. I feel as if I’m not what I should be. I’m… mentally tired. I’m sick of going to school and watching all this knowledge be forgotten. I don’t want it to wasted on me, a person who won’t live past twenty.

Right now, I’m mentally unstable. Which is the only reason why this is being written. I am weak right now, and I am too tired to care. I know writing this is a risk, but maybe it will bring some light to some things.

I tend to use manipulative ways to get what I want. Such as lying and deceiving people or teachers, to maybe get more time on work to maybe get their pity. Or maybe to get them to care… I do find it exciting to watch them buy an act. Though, I am usually bored. I hate being bored even more, I’d rather lose my morals than be bored. They are all so simple minded, if I cry, that makes me the victim. No matter what I’ve done. I’ve learnt that.

Everything is so repetitive. Wake up, school, sleep. Its robotic actually. And I’m tired of it, I dislike change, I do. Anything is better than this life. I will usually do anything for excitement. Though, I hate crowds and talking to adults.

I should say a few big things now. I do self harm. Cutting, is the main way, but I also have tried choking myself, overdosing on pain medication, drowning myself, I’ve even tried drinking. I do those things, without thinking. They just happen.

When I am seriously mad, I tend to go for a walk, without shoes. To see how long it takes for my feet to bleed or until they get blisters. I don’t really know why though. I do it without thinking.

To also add, I do have a inferiority complex towards my sister. Its like I don’t exist. I acted to change, to be myself. I don’t want to be her. I was called her name, compared to her and I hate it so much. Our parents would pay attention to her first, listen to her first, take her side, and it was like i was alone. I hated that feeling. I learned to hate her, my own sister.

What am I anymore?

A: I wish I could give you a definite answer to your question. I can’t given the limited information in a letter. What I can do is validate that you are troubled and that you need and deserve some help.

Your feelings probably have something to do with your relationship to your sister and whatever caused your parents to seem to favor her over you. The kind of situation you describe sometimes makes a kid do lots of things to make it clear that, yes, she exists too. Feeling so invisible and powerless, you manipulate people and hurt yourself to tell yourself that you do have some power. Although it does help you prove to yourself that you have some control, it isn’t healthy and won’t lead to a positive self-image or a happy life.

If you could have found other ways to feel like you have a place in the world, you would have done it long ago. For that reason, I strongly urge you to get into therapy. Ask your school nurse or guidance counselor how to find a therapist who works with teens and their families. Your whole family needs some help — not just you.

In the meantime, if you need someone to talk to, please call the Boys Town hotline. Don’t be put off by the name. Girls can call too. Counselors are available 24/7 all 365 days a year to talk to teens who are distressed or scared or confused. It’s absolutely free and confidential. The phone number is 800 448 3000.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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