From the U.S.: My fiance has anger problems. He has hit me, once two years ago because i put frosting on his face. The force bruised my thigh so badly that i had to cover it up for weeks. Recently there has been little things that have made me concerned about his anger again. He has yelled at our child (at the time he was 6 months) because he was crying. He left the room clearly upset because i splashed water on his face. Told him if he didn’t get the stick out of his ass i would put whip cream in his hair and he told me if i did there would be consequences to my actions.
Yesterday he bopped our child (16 months) on the cheek. It wasn’t a hard hit but it was done quickly because the child bit him. To me touching a child’s face as a form of punishment is unacceptable.
I say all that to say that he doesn’t see his anger as an issue. He stated that I am blowing things out of proportion and that “most people wouldn’t say i have anger problems”. I asked him over two weeks ago to go to counseling, he agreed to both anger management and couples- he has yet to set up an appointment. He doesn’t even have a therapist he would like to see. I kind of feel like he is doing a run around and doing chores as an excuse to not set anything up. I have brought it up multiple times and he says he still plans on doing it.
He hasn’t hit me in two years, but the littlest things set him off. Should I be concerned that he is just giving me the run around or am I actually just blowing things out of proportion?
A: The problem isn’t just his anger. The problem is that the two of you don’t share ideas about what is funny, what is appropriate discipline for a child, or how to get the help you need to become a solid couple and good parents. You are not behaving like a committed team. Yes, he gets angry and got physical a couple of times, which is never okay. But you are doing things that he doesn’t see as funny (the frosting and splashing episodes) and threatening him with more of the same.
You aren’t even acting as a team to find a therapist! Why are you waiting for him to make an appointment? If it’s important to you, get on the phone!
I can’t judge whether he has an anger problem on the basis of a letter. I can suggest that the two of you have work to do if your relationship is to last. I think you know that or you would be married by now. So — See a couples therapist. Commit to sticking with it long enough to get a good evaluation and to make some important changes in how you communicate with each other and how you parent. You both, and your child, deserve better than this.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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