I’ve Been Unfaithful to My Girlfriend

From a man in the U.S.: My girlfriend and I have been in a long term relationship and have been living together the past 8 months and moving on better even after all my mistakes prior to living together.

November 2016 I preceeded to have an affair with another woman on 3 occasions and when my girlfriend found out she was devastated and crushed that it’s been going on and that I lied to her about it and continued to lie to try and hide what happened and how often it did until the last moment I couldn’t and she found out from someone else. I kept some things still secret.

I have a problem with lying and not confessing and creating a narrative to make the story fit and this is the third time in our relationship. I’ve told half truths and lies. I know now that I have an issue with doing so because I have been doing so ever since I was in 4th grade. Afraid to tell my mother the truth when I would get in trouble.

A. You didn’t ask a question so I’m going to assume that you want some help with your relationship and the lying. First, I think you and your girlfriend should not be living together or moving to something permanent until you solve this problem. You broke her trust — which is the very foundation of a healthy relationship. That is going to take time and a major change on your part to fix.

You say you’ve been lying since you were 10 years old. That’s almost 20 years of lying to avoid having to deal with mistakes you make. I don’t think you can fix this by yourself. If you could, you would have done so long ago. You need to do some hard work in therapy to get over the impulse to lie and to cover the lies with more lies. It won’t be easy. But you’ve already seen how damaging that approach to life can be. Hopefully, that will serve as motivation for you to get on it.

The good news is that you are only 26. Dealing now will set you up for a long life of integrity and for being the kind of person your girlfriend can love.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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