My problem started when i started seriously training in ballet. I loved ballet and considered it my life. Around the age of 12 my mother made it seem to me that ballet was the only thing i could do in my life and i had no other option but to do it. Ballet made me hate myself, i constantly felt like i was not good enough and even my teachers would tell me i wasnt good enough. So i quit ballet and everything went downhill from there. I made a bad decision just like im sure every teenager has done once in their life. I went to hang out with friends during the day without telling my parents when i moved 1000 ft away. instead of being grounded for a week or two i was told all of these horrible things such as your a failure, your a disappointment, your a whore, your a slut, no one likes you, your trash, you have no real friends, kill yourself. Ever since then (that was around 6 months ago) ive been told that every day. My whole life has been one bad event after an other and nothing ever seems to get better. I have no one to talk to about how i feel and dont know how to fix this. I feel like nothing will ever be better for me and im starting to believe that i am what my mom tells me. I cry every day for at least 4 hours. I dont sleep at night anymore. I eat junk food constantly. I however have still managed to focus in school and get good grades because i know if i do that the closer ill be to leaving my parents and finding happiness. These past 6 months I’ve never felt worse and things haven’t worked out for me in even the slightest bit. I feel like if im living in this house with someone who sees me a certain way and accuses me of being someone im not, the only way out is to kill myself. Ive tried many times but get stopped by fear. I have been to a therapist once before but my parents never allowed me back. I need something worth living for. All of my happiness has been taken from me. I dont know why they dont love me like i love them.
The words of your mother are mean and hurtful. It’s unclear why she would say them. Personal problems may be causing her to treat you badly. Nevertheless, it’s abuse.
I’m curious about your father’s role in your life. Does he know how your mother treats you? Is he someone with whom you can talk? Would he be willing to take you to a therapist? If you haven’t talked to him, you should try. He needs to know how she treats you. Make him aware of how you are feeling and that you’ve thought about suicide. This is a serious matter. She is abusing you and he needs to know about it.
When a parent is abusive, it’s common for children to blame themselves. How your mother behaves is a reflection of her character and or the problems in her own life. It has nothing to do with you. Understandably, it feels personal because it’s directed at you but it is not about you. Something is wrong with her.
Consult the school guidance counselor about this matter. Tell them how you’re feeling and what’s happening. They can assist you in receiving the proper treatment. If not the school guidance counselor, then tell a school faculty member or another trusted adult. Go to the hospital or call emergency services if you feel that you might harm yourself. They will ensure that you are safe and protected. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
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