Hi, I’m a 17 year old female from the U.S. I was diagnosed with psychosis and had a suicide attempt at 15, since then I’ve gone completely numb. I already know I’m depressed, I just don’t care about fixing it and stopped taking medication. My life seems to be improving, grades, social life, etc. I just can’t feel anything. I’l say something horrible that makes my family or friends upset but I’m never sorry, if they cry I think they’re weak and annoying.
I know I should be feeling at least a bit guilty, but other than a bit of irritation I feel nothing. I can’t cry anymore and I don’t feel happy when I do things that once made me smile, nor do I care when people hurt or die. I enjoy making them suffer, it feels like the lower they are the greater I become. I’ve always shown false sympathy and had no problem with using threats or leaving them. Am I a sociopath?Sometimes I remind myself that I’ve got nothing to be proud of, eventually everyone despises me, and that the reality is I’ll die alone and broke. Even then, I don’t feel sad or worried. Recently my mother seems to have lost interest in me. Occasionally I’ll have meltdowns just to see if she’ll react, but in the end they’re met with dry laughter or dismissal. I’m well aware of her disappointment in me, which is the only thing that makes me feel bad.
I think deep down I just want control, over my weight, family, emotions, everything. If I don’t meet limits I throw up. I do this to be superior to others. The only purpose in life I can find for myself is to step on everyone and get to the top, become wealthy for the sake of power. I know it’ll most likely never happen, it’s irresponsible but I could always resort to death. I’ve already become too ugly of a person for my family to love. Just wondering if there’s a better way to go about this, because right now it’s all that works.
Yup. You certainly sound depressed. What you are describing is characteristic of social anhedonia, one of the symptoms of depression. Social anhedonia makes it a struggle to maintain relationships since you don’t enjoy the company of others. You persuade yourself that you don’t care as a “You can’t fire me, I quit” tactic. Since you don’t enjoy being with others, it’s hard to motivate yourself to be involved with them in any way.
I’m also curious about when you stopped your medication. Complicating things further for anyone struggling with depression is that anhedonia is sometimes a side effect of antidepressant medication. It’s important to work closely with your prescriber, seeing him or her regularly to monitor the possibility of such side effects.
You bothered to write to us here at Psych Central. That suggests to me that you have some shred of motivation to get better. The answer to your question regarding what to do is to go to treatment, whether you feel like it or not, whether you think there is any point or not. A combination of close coordination of talk therapy and medication is generally helpful. In your case, I would suggest that you find a practice where the prescriber and therapist work closely together on their cases.
I wish you well.
Dr, Marie
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