How Do I Get My Friend to See She Needs Some Professional Help to Learn How to Deal with Letting Go?

For a while now, my friend and neighbor has asked for advice and said she wanted to help herself and better her life. She has struggled her whole life. Her husband has repeatedly cheated on her. The first time they were married he had 2 children with another woman yet she kept taking him back. He has been to jail more than once and has never maintained a stable job. He disappears for days at a time and she does not know where has been or with whom. She married him as second time. He just returned from jail after 3 years (and she had said she was going to tell him he cant stay at her house) and she says they are just friends now but she see nothing wrong with continuing to keep him in her life and allow him to stay at her house. She has always let people run all over her. People are always taking advantage of her. And in her mind, she is supposed to keep forgiving him and letting him in her life because that’s what Christ would want. I have tried to explain to her she can forgive and should for herself but that he is not healthy in her life. He has never treated her with enough respect to try and be a functional citizen. He always runs off. I recommended she get some professional help to see why she keeps allowing herself to be manipulated and taken advantage of. But she does not believe he is taking advantage of her and manipulating her. She has a problem thinking she can save everyone but she cannot even save herself. How do I get my friend to see she needs some professional help to learn how to deal with letting go of people who mistreat her and take advantage of her?

A: Your friend has a distorted view of forgiveness. The research is clear that in situations like hers forgiveness must follow a different course. Women who have been abused by their husbands forgive too quickly and too easily and this can actually make the situation worse. But you are not the person who can help her. She needs a professional to help her learn some better boundaries. I’d encourage her to talk to someone where she worships or a therapist. For therapists she can find one in the “find help” tab at the top of the page.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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