Quiz: Do you Seek Professional Comfort over Professional Growth?

A few weeks ago, I posed a question: Are your therapists buddies bringing you down?

To my surprise, a lot of you heralded this post as a beacon of truth, shared it, left positive comments. In truth, I was baffled. I thought I’d be pursued with pitchforks, attacked with mid-90’s covers by No Mercy.

But it didn’t happen.

It seems a lot of us therapists are on board with the idea of surrounding ourselves with the types of people who can up our private practice game – and yet, I still see so many clinicians building walls of clinical support that bolster our defenses rather than making room for painful, but necessary, critical feedback.

In fact, last week, I shared my own journey from surrounding myself with veritable “Yes Men” to making space for “That-is-a-terrible-strategy, Here’s-why Men.”

Seems a lot of you liked that, too.

Which makes me realize that the act of surrounding ourselves with people who keep us comfortably stagnant is a largely unconscious process. We idealize the notion of cultivating challenging friendships that raise us up, but in practice, this is a very difficult thing to do. And very few of us choose to go down that road.

Why?

Surrounding oneself with growth-minded friends and colleagues can bring up a ton of difficult feelings, like: 

Envy: We see others pushing out of their comfort zone and attaining huge wins, which can lead us into the comparison trap. We feel worse by virtue of their success.

Shame: When others highlight our growth areas, it may stir up feelings that, at the end of the day, we are destined for failure. Thus, feedback that is meant to help us succeed leads us to implode.

Regret: When we see others excel, and imagine our own continued excellence, it can lead us to regret all the years spent in shame spirals, insecurity and envy. We fall prey to “why-didn’t-I-do-that-sooner?”- itis.

Insecurity: When we start to hang out with  movers and shakers, it can stir up a lot of insecurity that takes the form of questions like, “What do they see in me?” It may dredge up imposter syndrome, the fear that we could be discovered as frauds at any moment.

Envy, shame, regret, plus a whole host of other terrible feelings – ain’t nobody got time for that! So, rather than surrounding ourselves with highly ambitious achievers whose very success stirs up our most primitive anxieties, we find people who validate our current struggles and support our pattern of saying we want to move forward, while consistently failing to take consistent action.

It makes sense.

In order for you to successfully level up your professional relationships, you must have a sense of confidence that you, too, are capable of wild success. If you don’t believe this about yourself, then you will constantly be battling these feelings of shame, regret and competition whenever you attempt to spend more time with people who are upping their game.

Are you unconsciously surrounding yourself with folks who keep you in the status quo?

Here’s a little quiz to help you figure it out:

1. When I tell my buddy that I want to achieve a goal, her response is: 

a. “What’s your plan?”

b. “Don’t be so hard on yourself!”

2. If I don’t follow through with a stated plan, the response I get tends to be:

a. “What are you going to do differently now?”

b. “It’s okay. You tried. That’s what’s important.”

3. When I complain about being stressed, too many clients, too little money, my go-to’s respond with:

a. “You’ve been talking about that for the past 6 months, what are you going to do differently?”

b. “Aw, honey. I’m sorry.”

4. When I’m afraid to raise my fees or stick to a cancellation policy, I seek out people who will respond with:

a. “I hear you’re afraid. When are you going to follow through anyway? I want a deadline, Mofo.”

b. “Ugh. I know! But, also, you gotta remember – it’s important to be flexible and trust your gut. Maybe it’s not the right time for you to make those changes. Self-Care!”

5. When someone gives you a piece of business or clinical feedback that makes you feel uncomfortable, angry or ashamed, you:

a. Notice your feelings, seek out that friend more often and ask them – even though it’s hard – for more information about what they’re observing.

b. Avoid that person and talk to your other friend about how misunderstood you feel.

The results?!

If your answers skew more towards responding with choice “A,” then you’re likely surrounding yourself with clinicians who are challenging you to up your game, push yourself and grow. This serves, not only you, but your clients as well.

If your answers are more in line with choice “B,” – don’t fret! This means you need more support – likely from a super qualified therapist of your own – to help you understand what’s at the root of your struggle.

Even if you have a tendency towards the shame/blame spiral, that doesn’t mean you can’t take steps to change your relationships. Yes, yes – years of therapy will be key – but there are tiny actions you can take even before you’re fundamentally healed.

Next week, we’ll dive into a few, small steps you can take to find more folks who will encourage your growth – truly encourage it – so you can actually create a professional support network that allows you to make daily movement towards the practice and lifestyle that you originally set out to create.

(Struggle with the comparison trap?! I made a free video course for you. Get it.)

 

 

photo credits: Diana Eller, Ion Chiosea

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