I Am Losing My Emotion

From a teen in the U.S.: Over the last two years I’ve lost emotion and I live in a fog. When I think about what’s wrong with me I can’t think at all. Typing this out in struggling because I can’t even function. I can’t get it right.

I no longer feel empathy or sympathy. I don’t care for people older than 11, when something bad happens to them I feel like they deserve it. When someone dies I do not care, I actually hope for people to die if they’re guilty or bad (explained later). I often feel like people around me are also robots, like they aren’t real. I feel like the world around me is all a dream that I’m creating. As if past some area the world like a big white room because my brain hasn’t made that area yet.

When I’m irritated or angry, become very sadistic. I think and plan out ways I could torture that person. I imagine cutting them and watching the blood. But I only feel that way towards alcoholics, drug users, parents that abuse their children and killers. The main person I want to hurt being my mother. I only feel for my brother, best friend and uncles, no one else and animals. I often have to fake all of my emotions with people. I also feel death should be a happy moment, an escape from this hell hole earth.

Some background being: I was sexually abused at 5 and never told my mother until 14 which caused her to drink heavier. I got a concussion in 1st grade which caused stuttering and reoccurring headaches later having several other injuries some which were forced for attention. My stuttering has suddenly come back 9 months ago but it isn’t as bad. Before those nine months homicidal thoughts have increased and later found a steady pace only occurring when angry or with unliked people.

I’ve been to 7 schools and have no friends besides the few online. I’m good in school, I easily make friends. I have a history of depression as well as suicide attempts and self harm between ages 13 and 14. I was bullied in elementary and middle school.
And I’m vegan

I don’t want to hurt people, at all. But I need to know what may possibly be wrong so I can go seek help.

A: I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But I can give you some direction. First, it’s possible that you have unresolved trauma. You are distancing yourself from most feelings, the exception being extreme anger and homicidal thinking. You have a history of depression and self-harm. These thoughts and behaviors are typical of a kid who has a history of abuse.

You wrote that you tried to keep the abuse to yourself for years. When you shared the information, your mother started drinking more heavily, which certainly didn’t help you. You may have even felt guilty for bringing it up. You needed help, not another problem. If you didn’t get into therapy then, you owe it to yourself to find a therapist now who can help you work through the abuse so you can regain your trust and connection with more people.

You also mentioned that you had a concussion. Although most people recover within months, some people do develop post-concussion syndrome (PCS) with symptoms that last longer. Post-concussion syndrome can include physical, cognitive, and emotional problems. If you haven’t had a visit with a neurologist, I think it would be wise.

Changing schools so often hasn’t helped your stability either. You haven’t had the chance to develop the kind of long-term friends who can be there for each other when things are rough. You didn’t say why you’ve moved schools so often. I hope you are finally settled for awhile. The good news is that in only a couple of years, you may be able to leave for college and stay put for 4 years. I hope you are doing what you need to do to make that possible.

You haven’t had the adult support and direction you’ve needed. You are old enough now to seek it out for yourself. Talk to your guidance counselor about whether there are any free clinics for teens in your area. In the meantime, if you need to talk to someone, you can always call the Boys Town hotline. Don’t be put off by the name. Counselors there talk to girls too. Trained counselors are available 24/7 to talk by phone or chat online. It’s free and confidential. Here’s the website:
http://ift.tt/2oXC30r.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

from Ask the Therapist http://ift.tt/2sSAYJT
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT