As a therapist, I often see a self-defeating pattern in clients: they hold back from expressing their authentic selves — their true feelings, wants, and needs to a relationship partner.
What’s wrong with that?
What’s wrong is that by failing to communicate in ways that respect who we really are, we miss out on getting the kind of relationship we long for. We feel frustrated when we don’t feel understood, don’t get our needs met, and don’t know what’s on the other person’s mind. Communicating openly usually fosters a more emotionally and spiritually fulfilling relationship.
The story below shows how holding back, because we fear being hurt, can harm a relationship and how speaking from the heart, kindly and respectfully, can help you connect with your partner and also with others in a more meaningful, satisfying way.
Elizabeth’s Story
Elizabeth came to see me because she wanted to get married. A high-powered, successful entrepreneur who’d built her own software company, she found dating confusing. “I meet men and a lot of them seem interested. But sometimes I’m attracted to a man and spend time with him and it turns out he just likes me as a friend.” After she’d seen Bill a few times, Elizabeth told me, “He said to me, ‘I like you,’ but how am I supposed to know what that means?”
“Why not ask him? I suggested.
Elizabeth looked shocked. “I couldn’t do that,” she said. “I wouldn’t know what to say.”
She could say to Bill, smiling, “Thank you. I like hearing you say that. I also wonder, do you mean platonically or …?” In whatever words she might chose, by asking Bill politely what he means, she would be being vulnerable because his response might disappoint her. She wants a romantic relationship that leads to marriage. By asking Bill what he means, she’d is likely to gain clarity about whether to spend more time with him. She’s also letting him know that she is open to hearing him talk about his true self, and to revealing her own authentic self to him.
But Elizabeth hadn’t learned that it was okay to be so direct. She didn’t want to put him on the spot like that, she said. But perhaps she didn’t want to risk that he would break her romantic fantasy bubble. As long as his intention remained vague to her, she would be able to think that Bill could be “the one.”
Is Vulnerability Worth the Risk?
Being vulnerable means communicating our true feelings, thoughts, wants, and needs. Yes, it can be risky to do so. If Bill had told Elizabeth that he viewed her as a friend, business associate, or client, and she had hoped for something different, she would have felt disappointed, rejected, or hurt — feelings none of want to bear.
But being vulnerable with Bill would pay off for Elizabeth, however he responded. If he said he wanted to date her, and she learned that he was marriage minded, she would continue to get to know him and see where things led. If he’d said that he liked her only as a friend, she would move on to finding someone with more potential for marriage.
Another way Elizabeth avoids being vulnerable is by insisting on paying for herself on dates. Most men prefer to pay, at least for the first date, according to my research conducted with men of all ages. “Let him treat you, at least the first time,” I suggested, “if he offers.”
Being Vulnerable Means Letting Go of Trying to Control
For Elizabeth, allowing a man to treat, and thanking him would convey her own vulnerability. She thinks she is protecting herself. She believes that many men think that paying for her dinner entitles him to make a romantic or sexual overture and to expect her to accept it. Paying for herself is her way of trying to control the relationship, to make sure whatever happens is on her terms, not his.
Controlling behavior is the opposite of being vulnerable. Elizabeth would be true to herself by recognizing that most men don’t expect the payoff she imagines they do; that it’s fine for a man to treat and that her “thank you” is all he expects. If he does expect romance or sex to result, to that she can say, “No, thank you!”
Benefits of Vulnerability
Being vulnerable means being in control of yourself, not being in control of the relationship. Yes, it can feel safer to be with a man (or woman) you think you can control. You can avoid having to experience awkward situations, disagreements, and hurt feelings. But think about what you might be losing — the chance to connect meaningfully with a potential or actual spouse. By being vulnerable, you’re more likely to gain a relationship that’s emotionally and spiritually fulfilling, and lasts a lifetime.
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