I remember my dad raped me in the kitchen and i blacked out because i couldn’t breathe. it was very sudden. i hated him. after he did that then other men would use me. they stopped because i’m just the filth what’s left. wish i’d still be used by someone, because i don’t like being nothing. i killed my pets, gerbils and hamsters, when young, a kid, maybe 7 I tried to get the dog to give me a bj. does this mean that i am evil? even now i find myself being cruel to my cat.would i hurt my girlfriend if i ever had one? am i prey or predator? i guess i’m a psychpath and that’s why they all used me. should i isolate myself or die to save everyone else?
Your thinking seems to have been jaded by the terrible experiences you faced at the hands of your father and other men. If what you’re saying is true, your father should be in prison as should the other men who harmed you.
Nevertheless, you’re an adult now. You’re responsible for your own life. You’re responsible for how you behave and the choices you make. Choices have consequences. It is illegal to harm animals. It is, in fact, a felony. The biggest concern is that you continue to hurt animals and may begin to harm people. This suggests that you are not fully in control of your behavior. If that is the case then it’s imperative that you seek help.
Counseling will assist you in controlling your behavior. It is an important preventative measure in avoiding violence. You would be acting responsibly and proactively. It is what needs to be done. I hope that you will consider it since you want to avoid outcomes such as incarceration.
One book that may be of interest to you is Man’s Search For Meaning by Dr. Viktor Frankl. Dr. Frankl survived the holocaust. Despite living through one of worst experiences anyone could endure, he came out an optimist. He also helped fellow prisoners who were abysmally depressed and suicidal. His attitude and guidance gave them something to live for, despite their circumstances. The book describes the psychology behind overcoming suffering and finding meaning in one’s life. It has given many people hope and direction in their lives and it could do the same for you.
Books are helpful but this could all be corrected with counseling. Mental health professionals will know how to help you. Therapy works. I hope you will give it a try because with treatment there is a great deal of hope for you. Thank you for your question.
Dr. Kristina Randle
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