Is Professional “Support” Sabotaging Your Private Practice?

Last week, I wrote a slightly controversial article called “Are Your Therapist Buddies Bringing You Down?”

Okay, in truth, it wasn’t that controversial because – to my surprise – a lot of you agreed whole heartedly with its sentiment. And yet, so many of us spend the majority of our time with people who validate our pre-existing views and opinions as opposed to hanging out with folks who challenge us to think outside our own narrow boxes.

But let me bring my pointy finger around to myself for a moment and admit how this has played out in my professional life in ways I didn’t notice until recently.

It took me a few years (okay, decades) to recognize that I unconsciously surrounded myself with people who validated my anxieties, frustrations, fears and biases. Had you pointed this out to Five-Years-Ago-Tiffany, she would’ve adamantly argued against such a claim.

And then she would’ve found reasons to justify why you were an irritating person who lacked empathy and then found a few friends to validate her feelings, thus removing any pangs of discomfort that arose when you challenged her world view.

Ugh. She was a nightmare.

But totally familiar! And, most people who spent time with that Tiffany thoroughly enjoyed her because she would’ve bent over backwards to do the same validation of existing viewpoints for them.

It was only when I started building my own business in earnest that this pattern began to reveal itself.

When I began to expand my professional circle outside of my therapist colleagues, I discovered a different kind of professional.

• These professionals stared at me blankly when I offered excuses as to why I didn’t want to choose a niche – even though being a generalist wasn’t bringing me full fee clients.

• These professionals blinked in confusion when I attempted to talk about how “misattunements in my formative years made it harder for me to put myself out there.”

• These professionals challenged me when I put forth very well-structured arguments about why my sensitive nature kept me from charging a higher fee or made it hard for me to follow through with my stated goals.

In short – they called bullshit.

And I was M.A.D.

I went back to my friends and made my case.

“Business people don’t understand the feelings and experiences of therapists.”

“I see why they’re successful – they’re sociopaths!”

“Ugh, these people are all about money. They don’t care about social justice!”

“MEN.”

And guess what, my therapists friends were falling all over themselves to validate, empathize, agree with all of my sentiments. They gave me more than enough room to hang myself – that is, keep me exactly where I was, personally and professionally.

This felt really good. I felt totally justified.

And, a sliver of recognition lodged itself there in my lung. Something wasn’t quite right.

Every now and again, a whisper of a question made itself known: Why was I dismissing those people who challenged me, simply because they didn’t buy into my story of struggle?

While I continued to go back to my buddies who agreed and comforted me at every turn, I found myself tiptoeing back to those other kinds of people who pushed me outside of my comfort zone.

It was hard to take in what this other type of person had to say.

I spent many-a-night licking my wounds, questioning my life decisions, and railing against their unwillingness to shower me with acceptance that would buttress my ego.

But, I began to set aside my old stories and take action based on their observations.

And, I got stronger.

My relationships, my clinical work, my income, my ability to focus and follow through – all of these things saw significant improvement.

I began to see the benefit of spending more of my time with people who were uninterested in hearing about all the reasons why moving forward was  hard for someone like me and very interested in hearing about how I was moving forward despite my obstacles.

Which brings us back to you and last week’s article.

While you talk the talk of wanting to be challenged, to see the world from a variety of angles, to understand where your growing edges lie, it is quite possible that you are undermining your own efforts by surrounding yourself with people who work against this goal.

The result? Month after month, year after year, you remain comfortably stagnant, continuing to be in a bubble that justifies your paralysis, surrounded by folks who nod in agreement when you say things like –

“It is so hard to build a full fee, cash-pay private practice.”

“God. I hate the business part of private practice! I’m just not that kind of person.”

“I couldn’t (follow through with stated goal) because – XYZ reason (‘I was sick, the rain got me down, TRUMP’).”

– Rather than finding even one or two voices of dissent who encourage you to question your own beliefs, excuses, reasons for not following through.

This isn’t about being right or wrong, good or bad, up or down. It’s about becoming aware. We all do this at various times and in various degrees. Even though I’ve learned a lot, I’m under no illusion that I’m not still doing this in ways that I don’t even know.

It’s a constant process. We’re in this together, you and me.

Next week, I’ll give you some questions to help you figure out if you’re surrounding yourself with validators or innovators, why you’re doing it and how you can begin to shift your professional support system in ways that propel you forward.

Got a thought? A well-rounded critique? A mighty, “F you, Tiffany”?! I invite you to share it with open arms in the comment section below!

 

photo credits: Katarzyna Białasiewicz, Ion Chiosea

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