Three Skills for Those With Trauma to Come Home to the Body

Being in the body is one of the first things we ask patients to do at the start of any mindfulness or yoga practice, so we often take it for granted that for those with trauma, being in the body is often anywhere from uncomfortable to deeply disturbing. It’s important to be aware of this vulnerability when working with individuals who’ve experienced trauma and to understand the implications of being “present” in the body for those for whom the present has been deeply unsafe.

In her book “Attachment-Based Yoga and Meditation: Simple, Safe, and Effective Practices for Therapy,” Deirdre Fay includes three basic skills that make it easier to be in the body specifically within the context of attachment trauma. With practice and repetition and over the course of time, Fay writes that these skills can become easier.

Skill One: Slowing Down

“The body changes when dissociation begins, contracting or tightening in an attempt to contain or keep away an experience that isn’t wanted,” writes Fay.

But slowing down, she says, creates space to notice moments of choice—however miniscule—that present the opportunity to shift out of the automatic pattern of dissociation. In these moments, short as they may be, the body can relax and tension can soften.

“As the body relaxes the muscles around the tension, the frontal lobe has more space to come online. Unconsciously, the client hopes that tightening up creates control, keeping the bad things at bay. The fear is that relaxing or easing will give up control, making things worse. The skill is learning to let the body fill up with sensation rather than shutting it down,” Fay writes.

The skill of slowing down allows patients to make contact with the reality that the body does not launch from a relaxed state straight to disaster; in fact, it is a process that unfolds step by step and can, in fact, be deliberately slowed down.

Learning to slow down can also counter the experience of powerlessness that accompanies trauma. It can give clients the opportunity to “learn the relief and enjoyment of having their hands on the wheel; they get to steer themselves where they want to go,” writes Fay.

Skill Two: Concentration and Focus

Slowing down creates the possibility for clients to notice moments of choice, which makes way for concentration and focus.

“Without the ability to focus on the pinpoint they want to follow, it is impossible to gain internal ground,” writes Fay.

Whether achieved through a more formal mindfulness practice or simply through counting, concentration and focus skills help clients move forward from the point of choice that they notice when they slow down. Without focus on a “pinpoint” to follow, they may still get swept away in the intensity of whatever has stimulated the dissociation pattern.

Skill Three: Staying Open, Welcoming and Becoming Fascinated

 Of course, it is very often challenging for clients to maintain openness when dominated by the emergence of traumatic material or threat responses. But learning to inhabit the body becomes more possible with a level of curiosity and fascination around their experience.

“Learning to stay open, holding a welcoming stance, allows us to look around and be fascinated by the process,” writes Fay.

Yoga, Fay writes, can be an excellent ally in the client’s journey to being in the body and learning to stay open and curious about the process. An uncomfortable posture is an opportunity to both develop concentration (through deliberate focus on the sensations occurring) as well as to stay open and “learning to surf sensation” which Fay says “lets muscles encounter what is there without interpretations and associations.”

For more about how mindfulness and yoga can be utilized in the treatment of trauma, check out Fay’s book, “Attachment-Based Yoga and Meditation: Simple, Safe and Effective Practices for Therapy.”

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Three Questions to Ask Yourself Before Using Self-Disclosure in Sessions

Self-disclosure in clinical work is a matter of the practitioner’s personal choice and preference. Some believe any amount of self-disclosure is too much, while others find a certain level of clinical value in divulging about their personal lives in sessions.

Some of the arguments for self-disclosure include that it allows patients to view the therapist as a human being—not just a clinician. Disclosure of past challenges can also help build trust between the patient and clinician, instilling a sense that the therapist has “been there” and understands how hard it is. It can also serve to normalize the patient’s struggle, creating a dynamic of shared human experience that makes way for compassion and connection.

When it’s not used skillfully, however—if a therapist is oversharing, one-upping or de-centering the client—self-disclosure can quickly become problematic. It can detract from the therapeutic work, blur the boundaries of the therapeutic relationship and even cause the client to switch into the role of caregiver or helper.

It is possible to be both an authentic, dynamic, and real human being and a skillful clinician with both solid boundaries and wisdom to share.

The following questions may be helpful in determining whether or not to disclose something in a session, but like much of therapeutic work, relying on your intuitive sense of what feels useful and right in the moment can go a long way as well.

1.What’s the clinical usefulness or reason for the disclosure?

Be honest with yourself. It’s normal and healthy to feel connected with our clients and in fact, this connection helps form the foundation of the therapeutic relationship. And it makes sense that you might feel the urge to share something personal as it relates to a connected other’s experience, but remember that the client is not your friend, family member or co-worker.

Ask yourself whether the piece of information you’re feeling compelled to share is clinically useful. Will it help to validate the person’s experience? Will it help to make him feel less alone in his struggle? Will it help build trust in the healing process?

If you’re unable to answer yes to any of these questions, you might consider holding back.

2. Would you be comfortable disclosing this information in front of a supervisor or colleague?

If you wouldn’t want a colleague or supervisor to see or hear you disclosing a particular piece of information, it hopefully goes without saying that you should withhold it.

Ask yourself honestly why you might be embarrassed or ashamed to be sharing such information with a patient in front of a colleague. Perhaps it’s simply irrelevant to the case and serves no clinical purpose or maybe it’s more about your own need to be seen or heard.

If you find that you’ve shared or wanted to share something that meets the above criteria, remember that you’re human and be gentle with yourself. Noticing mistakes or moments of poor discretion is an important step toward being a better clinician.

3. If I were to ask a supervisor or colleague who I respect and trust whether this piece of information was necessary or not, what would they say?

If you have some time to think about whether or not to disclose a particular piece of information—such as that you, too are in recovery from substance abuse—spend a bit of time imagining what a trusted colleague or supervisor might say to the idea.

Perhaps you’ve discussed similar things with them in the past, or observed their own use of self-disclosure with clients. If you determine that someone you respect might not support this particular disclosure, but find that you’re having trouble letting go of the desire to share this piece of information, ask yourself why that might be.

Therapists are human beings too, with the same desires to connect with others as everyone else. Of course, the therapeutic relationship is a special and specific kind of relationship within which boundaries, safety, trust and respect are critical to the work. Mistakes will happen, but with willingness to look at the motivations for your in-session actions honestly, and to adjust them according to the client’s best interest, you’re on the right path.

 

 

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Book Review: Tough-To-Treat Anxiety

Anxiety is one of the most common problems people face today, and yet, it is often complicated with other co-existing conditions, such as obsessive compulsive disorder, autism, and depression. Comorbidity can make treatment challenging, even for clinicians who specialize in anxiety.

In her new book, Tough-To-Treat Anxiety: Hidden Problems & Effective Solutions For Your Clients, licensed clinical psychologist Margaret Wehrenberg breaks down anxiety into its most common presentations, offering a host of treatment methods that work in the moment, and resist remission for years to come.

“Unremitting anxiety may be one the most frustrating situations any individual can face. Family and friends tell worriers, ‘Just don’t worry!’ as if they are somehow choosing to feel anxious. People with panic are often judged as weak or foolish for allowing what’s ‘just an irrational feeling’ to rule their behavior,” writes Wehernberg.

But the reality is that most people face anxiety, especially those with mental health problems. Anxiety is a central theme of life, a normal response to ambiguity, and a technique used to keep us watching movies and television shows.

“The problem with anxiety disorder, as opposed to ‘normal’ anxiety, is that the sense of anxiety persists even when there is no problem or ambiguity to resolve,” writes Wehrenberg.

For people with generalized anxiety disorder, worries can interrupt physical function, causing restlessness, muscle tension, fatigue and pain. It can also interrupt emotional function, causing irritability, short temper, depressed mood, and frustration. It can disturb mental function, causing poor focus, concentration, and preoccupation with anxious thoughts. Lastly, it can impact behavior, causing perfectionism, overscheduling, and controlling behaviors.

One of the first steps in treatment is to rule out the possibility that physical conditions are causing the condition, and then identify worry as worry, in other words, not serving any other purpose. While common treatment methods — such as identifying and changing self-talk, using thought stopping techniques, and changing self-defeating behaviors — can be quite helpful, anxiety can also be unremitting.

Wahrenberg identifies four different types of tough-to-treat anxiety. The logical worrier, often focuses too much on details and misses nuances in conversation. This type of worrier can also present with features of autism. For the illogical worrier, on the other hand, the root cause of the anxiety is commonly obsessive-compulsive disorder, complicated by intractable worry that is unresponsive to logic. The distractible worrier often has trouble focusing, is commonly distracted by worry, and typically struggles with attention deficit disorder. The intense worrier often also struggles with bipolar disorder, and the resulting emotional intensity frequently fuels the intense worry.

Differentiating between each of these subtypes makes all the difference in treatment. While a typical treatment approach is to correct irrational thoughts that lead to anxiety, for the logical worrier, who truly believes that anxiety is necessary and justified, a better approach may be to cultivate a sense of safety and control through interventions such as teaching influence not control, using “dial down the disaster” questions, and finding mentors for support.

Wahrenberg describes Adam, who worried constantly about losing his job and would seek reassurance from his wife on a nightly basis. Yet Adam also felt that losing his job was a very real possibility, and that his worry was justified. Wahrenberg had Adam identify mentors he could use to help mitigate his anxiety and differentiate between situations that made sense to worry about, and those that interfered with his work.

While reassurance strategies are helpful for the logical worrier, for the illogical worrier, reassurance alone does not alleviate worry.

“Non-OCD worry treatment involves techniques that analyze the worry, such as cost-benefit analysis and altering cognitive errors, such as magnifying the problem, black-and-white thinking and confusing probable with possible. But these techniques give too much significance to the obsessive thought. Once a thought is identified as obsession, the idea is to say, whenever it comes to mind, ‘There’s that obsession!’ and to immediately refocus attention on what work there is to do, or on preplanned distractions, such as listening to music, or on a relaxation technique,” writes Wahrenberg.

For the distractible worrier, the use of deadlines to reduce anxiety and adrenaline, psychoeducation, raising self-esteem, creating timed lists, keeping a calendar, transferring worry to another person and seeking special accommodations are helpful strategies. On the other hand, the intense worriers’ feelings can be caused by physical conditions such as thyroid dysfunction, adrenal dysfunction, vitamin B-12 deficiency, and hormone problems.

Here again, an important step is education.

“Most people do not like to accept a diagnosis of a chronic condition, no matter what it is. They don’t like to admit to a ‘flaw’ and want to believe they will overcome any symptom. Educating them about the condition validates that the condition is real and improves the possibility that they will receive and utilize the right treatments,” Wahrenberg writes.

Drawing on her over forty years’ experience, Wahrenberg’s book serves as an indispensable guide for those who treat anxiety. Packed full of helpful strategies, techniques, and case studies, it demystifies anxiety and its treatment, while empowering those who struggle with it.

Tough-To-Treat Anxiety: Hidden Problems & Effective Solutions For Your Clients
Margaret Wehrenberg
W.W. Norton & Company
August 2017
Softcover, 243 Pages

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What Does Conduct Disorder Look Like?

A conduct disorder involves both behavioral and emotional problems found in children who do not adhere to what is socially acceptable. Kids who understand, but choose not to follow rules, can often fall into the category of conduct disorder. Teachers frequently reprimand these children more often than others from an early grade.

There is no known cause of conduct disorder. While it was originally thought to have been a product of poor parenting, the general consensus has changed. There are multiple factors that may play a role in this particular development. The most common areas of concern are: genetics, environment, and psychological problems.

Environmental factors include the family and school. Alcoholic parents who fight or neglect their children may fall into this category. Being bullied in school or having issues with specific teachers can be an environmental cause. Inconsistent discipline, whether at school or at home, has a huge impact on the behavior of a child.

Psychological problems including cognitive processing can cause a shift in normal behavior. Problems feeling remorse or guilt can arise from this segment of the disorder.

Genetics can also play an important role. Families with a history of mental illness may be more susceptible to behavioral disorders in children. Mood disorders and anxiety disorders can occur under a parent’s or teacher’s radar. If the intensity of emotion is experienced differently than others their age, children may not know how to handle their surroundings in a socially acceptable way.

General behavior conduct disorder includes:

• Criminal behavior, such as stealing.
• A lack of respect for rules, such as skipping class.
• Lack of empathy. Children who hurt animals on purpose usually fall into this category.
• Bullying. Acting out with the intention of purposely hurting other children is a common sign of conduct disorder.
• Lack of respect for boundaries, such as vandalism. Destroying other people’s property, whether it’s someone’s home or another child’s toy, is a good representation of both breaking boundaries and bullying.
• Persistent lying. When a child knows the truth and lies anyway, especially for no apparent reason, this can be seen as a red flag.

This disorder may impact your child if you notice:

• Burn marks
• Difficulty concentrating
• False sense of grandiosity or egotism
  
• Low esteem
• Inability to plan

Many children diagnosed with conduct disorder have co-existing conditions. Some of these include: ADHD, personality disorders, anxiety, and learning difficulties.

If a conduct disorder is left untreated, the outcome can be dangerous not only for the child diagnosed, but for those around him/her.  

Problems from lack of treatment can include:

• Risky sexual behavior
• Substance abuse
• Abuse of others
• Antisocial personality disorder diagnosis
• Incarceration

Conduct disorder is much more prevalent in boys than girls. The rate of conduct disorder in boys is between 6% and 16% while girls ranged from 2% to 9%.

Children who display signs of conduct disorder in early development are at greater risk for long-term difficulties. They are more likely to struggle with relationships and less likely to finish school.

Treatment Options Include:

Involving both family and school. Discipline for certain behavior should be consistent, whether the child is at home or in school. When teachers and parents work together, they have a clearer sense of what needs to be accomplished and how.

In addition to focusing on how to overcome the negative aspects of conduct disorder, focus on the positive. Engaging your child in healthy social structures will benefit him/her in the future. Using praise for healthy behavior is also suggested.

Studies show that behavioral parent training leads to the reduction of antisocial behavior. 

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Trying to Be Empathetic and Sincere But Failing

Hello. I am sure this has been asked before but I figured I would try anyway. I am confused about myself. Not that I am sad, or depressed, quite the opposite. I don’t care about people… Weird to say, but I just can’t relate with them. I can’t feel their pain, I can’t sympathize. I can’t anything! I don’t feel bad about it either. I realized that I play this role of being a friendly person, pretending to understand others and their idiotic problems. No offence to anyone. It’s like people make such big fusses about little things, like “oh no I broke my phone, I’m gonna die.” I just don’t understand. I even think about hurting people, sometimes more than just hurt. I thought, maybe I’m some type of sociopath or psychopath. But I do have feelings, somewhat. I can be excited about getting new art supplies, and I love my cat very much. So I couldn’t possibly be emotionless. I don’t know. I am going to get a therapist as soon as possible. I have been through a lot through my life/childhood, including the death of my father due to drugs. I also lived in a very violent home, in extreme poverty and am now living in a single parent household. I was hoping to get some opinions? I know this is not an actual diagnosis. I am quite aware. I don’t really know anything about this website, let alone if this is the type of stuff put on here, but oh well. Farewell.

A: Thank you for getting in touch. I am glad to hear that you are planning to find a therapist as I believe that will be very helpful to you. It sounds like you have been through quite a lot. Everyone processes traumatic experiences in different ways and it sounds as though it is possible that you have been distancing yourself emotionally for quite some time. While, as you stated, I am unable to give you a diagnosis, it does sound as though it is possible you are experiencing depressive related symptoms. Depression can manifest in a number of ways and look different among different individuals. Rather than being “emotionless,” it is likely that you are emotionally detached which is not uncommon after incurring psychological trauma. This is something that can certainly be worked on therapy and I encourage you to address these concerns with your therapist. Best of luck to you.

Dr. Mimi

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Trying to Be Empathetic and Sincere But Failing

Hello. I am sure this has been asked before but I figured I would try anyway. I am confused about myself. Not that I am sad, or depressed, quite the opposite. I don’t care about people… Weird to say, but I just can’t relate with them. I can’t feel their pain, I can’t sympathize. I can’t anything! I don’t feel bad about it either. I realized that I play this role of being a friendly person, pretending to understand others and their idiotic problems. No offence to anyone. It’s like people make such big fusses about little things, like “oh no I broke my phone, I’m gonna die.” I just don’t understand. I even think about hurting people, sometimes more than just hurt. I thought, maybe I’m some type of sociopath or psychopath. But I do have feelings, somewhat. I can be excited about getting new art supplies, and I love my cat very much. So I couldn’t possibly be emotionless. I don’t know. I am going to get a therapist as soon as possible. I have been through a lot through my life/childhood, including the death of my father due to drugs. I also lived in a very violent home, in extreme poverty and am now living in a single parent household. I was hoping to get some opinions? I know this is not an actual diagnosis. I am quite aware. I don’t really know anything about this website, let alone if this is the type of stuff put on here, but oh well. Farewell.

A: Thank you for getting in touch. I am glad to hear that you are planning to find a therapist as I believe that will be very helpful to you. It sounds like you have been through quite a lot. Everyone processes traumatic experiences in different ways and it sounds as though it is possible that you have been distancing yourself emotionally for quite some time. While, as you stated, I am unable to give you a diagnosis, it does sound as though it is possible you are experiencing depressive related symptoms. Depression can manifest in a number of ways and look different among different individuals. Rather than being “emotionless,” it is likely that you are emotionally detached which is not uncommon after incurring psychological trauma. This is something that can certainly be worked on therapy and I encourage you to address these concerns with your therapist. Best of luck to you.

Dr. Mimi

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Do You Know the Signs of Stress?

“Stress is an alarm clock that lets you know you’re attached to something that’s not true for you.” – Byron Katie

As a run up to the holidays, doesn’t it seem like everyone’s rushing around trying to cram too much into too little time? Crazed to find a parking space in an overcrowded lot, racing to get into the elevator before the door closes or hitting the door-close button so no one else can get in, exhibiting uncharitable, rude and potentially unhealthy behavior when trying to snatch the last sale item and so much more are all signs of stressed-out individuals.

Is it any wonder the commercials for antacids and headache pills proliferate this time of year? But what about really acknowledging you’re stressed and doing something about it? Here are telltale signs to pay attention to:

Physical Symptoms

The body is incredibly sensitive to stress and will display the effects of this potentially-toxic emotion. Some of the more readily-identifiable physical stress signs include:

• Chest pain
• Headache
• Pain or tension in the muscles
• Sleeping difficulties
• Increased or decreased sex drive
• Gastrointestinal problems
• Tiredness

Behavioral Signs

Stress takes its toll on everyday behavior as well as exacting physical effects. When you are stressed, you’re more likely to exhibit one or more of the following behavioral changes:

• Increasing use of alcohol or drugs
• Smoking more often
• Eating too much or too little
• Avoiding social situations
• Expressing anger
• Slacking off on exercise

Emotional Effects

Perhaps the most tough-to-recognize effects of stress on a person are the ones affecting emotions. While they could be caused by an underlying physical condition, stress may also be at least a contributing factor in the following emotional effects of stress.

• A feeling of being overwhelmed
• Becoming easily irritated or angry
• Feeling anxious
• An uncharacteristic restlessness
• Being unable to focus or lacking motivation
• Sudden sadness or depression

Ways to Manage Stress

Once you learn to recognize the signs of stress, for your own well-being and that of your loved ones, family members, co-workers and friends, it’s imperative that you find ways to manage stress before it spirals out of control and causes serious health problems. While each of these stress-reduction tips can help decrease stress, using them in combination can ratchet up your ability to maintain balance and personal well-being. You don’t have to be an expert to reap the benefits. Just dive in and act.

• Make time for yourself. Granted, it sounds a little selfish, but good self-care when you’re stressed is vitally important to overcoming stress. If you have a hobby, set aside time to devote to it. This can be any activity that you enjoy, including gardening, cooking, decorating, reading, listening to music, watching movies or your favorite programs on DVR or video on demand. It isn’t the what you do but the fact that you carve time out to enjoy yourself. Even a brief time doing what you enjoy can dramatically reduce stress.
• Activate your sense of humor. It’s hard to resist the sound of laughter. That’s almost universal. When you laugh, you breathe in oxygen that’s good for your heart and all your organs and this stimulates the production of endorphins in your brain that work to counteract stress. The increase in blood pressure from laughter has a corresponding effect of relaxation. Chuckles and smiles can also increase circulation to ease some physical symptoms of stress, including muscle tension.
• Engage in regular physical activity. Being sedentary is linked to an increased disease risk as well as packing on the pounds. Regular physical activity, in the form of physical exercise, however, offers numerous benefits. Among them is the way exercise helps cut down on stress.
• Eat a well-balanced diet. Overindulgence, eating high-fat, high-sugar, high-carbohydrate meals will make stress worse, not better. To counter the effects of stress or to maintain a more balanced lifestyle, make sure you eat a nutritious diet. Instead of skipping meals when time is tight, have nutritious snacks on hand that will prevent crashing and give you a healthy energy boost.
• Get sufficient sleep. Stress robs your body and mind of the energy it needs. By ensuring you get at least 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep nightly, you can minimize the caustic effects of stress. Remember that the body heals during restful sleep and this is especially important when you are stressed and sleep-deprived.
• Cut back on caffeine and alcohol. When you feel stressed and want an instant fix, instead of opting for that caffeine-rich drink or pouring a stiff drink, experts say it’s best to drink water. Caffeine and alcohol are known to cause an uptick in anxiety and may even trigger panic attacks in some stressed-out individuals. Research found that using alcohol to reduce stress may instead make the stress worse and prolong recovery from what caused the stress to begin with.
• Just breathe. A quick and effortless way to reduce stress is to take a few deep breaths. Slowly breathe in and out whenever you feel stressed to experience almost immediate relief. Research has found that deep breathing, yoga, tai chi and other relaxation techniques can reduce stress and enhance well-being.

If you’re continuing to have difficulty reducing stress and its debilitating effects, consider getting help from a mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist, therapist, psychologist or social worker.

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The Simplest Way To Appear Much More Attractive

How to appear more likeable and more approachable.

• Try one of PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do (NEW)
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything

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Overcoming Adversity and Living Audaciously

This is the second in a series of articles about resilient thrivers, who face life challenges in their various forms; including illness, loss of loved ones, as well as financial roller coaster rides and emerge triumphant. What they have in common is a desire to take their own experiences and transform them into healing for themselves and offer the lessons gleaned to benefit others.

Human beings are resilient creatures, with the ability to bounce back from nearly any eventuality. We wouldn’t have survived as a species if this weren’t the case and yet there are times when we doubt that we will make it one more step, let alone another year or a lifetime. Think back to happenings in your own life when you were faced with daunting challenges, physical or emotional pain. The way in front of you seemed dark and fraught with peril and you could hear “Lions and tigers and bears…. oh my.” being chanted progressively louder and with more fervor by Dorothy, the Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion. The sad part is, you might have believed them; I know I did until I remembered that I always had the power to return Home. That would be true even without sparkling ruby slippers.

Why do some people crumble under the weight of life events, while others (like the mother who, defying logic and gravity, hoists a car to free her child trapped beneath it) are able to extricate themselves?  In an article published in Business Insider, author Sandra Liu Huang postulates “People with a growth mindset are more resilient to challenges related to their abilities and performance than those with a fixed mindset.”

Ferlie Almonte who refers to herself as a “life reinvention architect”, has rebuilt her life from the ground up following a series of devastating back to back losses. She is the co-author of the Amazon best seller, Empowering Transformations for Women, and was a featured author in the book, PURE GENIUS: Simple Solutions That Work to Light Up Your World.

She earned an Image Consulting certification from Image Resource Center in NY, to help professionals and executives communicate their value with confidence, and with an impeccable image. She herself, sparkles with a vibrant and enthusiastic persona that might seem to bely the dark nights of the soul that she faced.

Almonte tells her story:

Whew! Where do I begin? In my adult life, I feel like I’ve been hit by a tsunami of adversities that many could not fathom how one person could experience so many unbelievable personal challenges in one lifetime.

I would say that my TOP 5 (who makes that kind of list?) that sparked my awareness to tapping into my inner strength and resilience were  the death of my mother to ovarian cancer at age 58, followed by my father’s passing six months later, to lung cancer, also 58, my own near fatal disability for almost a decade that lead to my financial demise, my dramatic and horrific divorce from the father of my only child, and the passing of my civil union spouse to pancreatic cancer within 3 months of diagnosis and within 8 months from the day we said “I do.”

I saw mortality from the front seat of many stages: As a patient, as a Clinician (I was a Respiratory Therapist), as a wife, and as a daughter, very eye opening and immensely strengthening to say the least. I HAD NO CHOICE. They said that we never know how strong we are until to be strong is our only choice. Though there were moments when I felt physically weak and exhausted, crushed emotionally, tortured mentally, and broken financially, I still felt that God lifted me up and reminded me that I have a beautiful reason in my child, to continue fighting. And by default, there was nowhere to seek strength from but from my own self, powered by my unwavering faith in God.

My beautiful late mother was a Pillar of Strength, a Role Model of Grace and Class, a Testament of Unconditional, Faithful Love. She remains as The Voice that keeps me going through my life’s incredible challenges.

These personal catastrophes I have been through ignited my profound Spiritual Awakening. I was never religious. But during one deeply humbling, vulnerable moment when I was gravely ill, I prayed fervently, loudly, making sense of what I was being tested for, and with great humility, asked God, “WHY I WAS BORN?”  I remember saying out loud, “I know that I was born to be of service to others, please show me HOW.” In the days, weeks, months and years to come, angels in disguise have been coming my way in the most impeccable time, to execute a Divine Mission, leading me to my Crusade to be The Voice of Hope and Resilience for people who are in places of darkness in their lives, guide them in finding their light, help them emerge into their greatness and elevate them to sparkle in their own unique light so others may also find their path to their unique purpose in life.

Everything I have been through became an integral part of my Metamorphosis into becoming a Beacon of Light to others in finding their New Beginnings.

Through it all, I REMAINED GRATEFUL, NEVER RESENTFUL.

I made a decision not to let my adversities define me.
I made a decision to Live Joyfully, Purposely, Audaciously.

I chose to keep the energy around me toxic free.
I chose to protect my sacred space by being mindful to feed my mind with empowering thoughts.
I chose to surround myself with people who are positive and kind.
I chose to use my Tribulations to Ignite my Passions,
And I chose to MAKE MY MESS, MY MESSAGE and Made it my Mission to Transform lives through my words and my work.

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Can Narcissism be Fixed?

John and Sue were frustrated by their adult daughter who by 35 years old had two failed marriages (everything was the ex’s fault), lost the last five jobs (her bosses hated her and wanted to get rid of her), had several plastic surgical procedures (she HAD to have these), and was now living back at home. After stumbling on the definition of Narcissistic Personality Disorder, they believe she displayed all the characteristics. But there big question was: can she be fixed?

The answer depends solely on the narcissist. There are some aspects that can be changed and then there are some that cannot. There are three components to the formation of narcissism: biology, environment, and choice. The fourth element of support reinforces the narcissistic behavior.

• Biology: DNA contains genetic characteristics that define the individuality of a person. A quick glance at the family tree often reveals some of those common traits within a family unit. Personality disorders do run in families. Even when a person does not have the disorder, the familiarity of it increases the likelihood that they will marry someone with one. This further perpetrates the disorder within a family unit.
  • Solution: DNA cannot be changed. However, when a person knows that high blood pressure runs in the family, they can take action to avoid hypertension. The same is true for narcissism. This is not easy because it is so contrary to the superiority belief which is a defining characteristic. However, their egotistic attitude propels a narcissistic person to believe they can overcome anything including the disorder itself.
  • Example: One of the best ways to expose the family narcissistic traits is to have the narcissist do a family tree. Many narcissists like to think that they are unique even within their family unit. By showing them that no one in their family apologizes, their natural desire to outdo others within the family causes them to change this aspect.
• Environment: The maladaptation of Erik Erikson’s second stage of psychosocial development is shame/doubt instead of the positive outcome of autonomy. Trauma during the time of 18 months to 3 years old encourages the negative outcome. This is where narcissism is born. At the heart of every narcissist is a deep rooted insecurity that they desperately try to cover up. Childhood trauma, narcissistic parenting, and/or being bullied (at school or home) are common environment factors in the reinforcement of the narcissist trait.
  • Solution: Once the insecurity and/or trauma have been discovered, healing from this reduces the need to mask it. In addition, other adult traumas resulting from narcissistic behaviors should also be addressed. This purging of environmental factors removes the underlying need for narcissistic behavior.
  • Example: Any type of abuse done at an early age can spark narcissism, especially sexual abuse. Discovering this trauma is difficult as most narcissists do just about anything to hide from their embarrassment. Once it is revealed, removing the shame and guilt associated from the event takes the wind out of narcissism.
• Choice: Personality disorders are not identified until a person reaches 18 years old. This is because the fifth stage of psychosocial development is role identity verses confusion which begins at 12 years old and ends at 18. During these formative years, a teen tries on the roles of various persons to see which parts they want to incorporate into their identity. So there is some element of choosing narcissistic traits.
  • Solution: Any person who has been married for a while will testify to either their changing personality or that of their spouse. Life’s circumstances have a way of continuing to mold and shape a person for better or worse. Narcissistic traits can grow strong or diminish as a person ages. It is up to them to make a choice towards or against their own natural tendencies.
  • Example: The sense of entitlement is strong with narcissists. However, this is the one area that narcissists frequently complain about in others. By exposing and comparing one sense of entitlement with another, many narcissists naturally turn away from this trait.
• Support: In order for narcissism to flourish, a narcissist needs four magic ingredients: attention, affirmation, adoration, and affection. Unfortunately negative attention is just as effective as positive. The only way to starve the ego of the narcissist is to ignore them, embarrass them, or expose their insecurity. Doing so incites a strong angry reaction from the narcissist that is intimidating and often threatening.
  • Solution: The goal here is to teach those around the narcissist to discourage the narcissistic traits without angering the narcissist. Then when traits contrary to narcissism are done, the four magic ingredients are given. This is simple behavior modification.
  • Example: When a narcissist fails to express empathy for someone else, their insensitive comment should be ignored by immediately changing the subject. Addressing it negatively reinforces the narcissism. When they do express empathy, a simple remark such “thank you for kind words” can provide the affirmation the narcissist needs.

Once John and Sue were able to get their daughter into therapy, some of her strong narcissistic traits diminished. She is now remarried with kids and has held a job down for the last 5 years. There is hope and help.

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I Always Think about Killing People

Ok let me start with the fact i dont like to be mad but I get mad at everything and people dont help what so ever. Im a big guy and my mind is complicated and im always thinking about cutting someones head off or beating someones head in.I have killed people in self defense before but they almost charged me for it because their skulls were not in tact. I smoke marijuana to keep me calm and that helps but i cant always afford it and i dont like to talk to people who cant understand my mind. I went to a shrink a long time ago and she said i was fine. I dont know what to do when something is telling me to break someones neck or go after someone with a hatchet just to name some repeat thoughts. I use to grab pigeons off the street, break their necks and step on their heads.I use to take cats by their scruff and their tails and run them along brick walls. Their screaming made me laugh. I use to take frogs and lizards or anything i could catch by hand and rip them in half. Ive pulled peoples teeth out, removed finger nails, and put staples in people for information and enjoyment. I like shooting small game with buck shot because it rips them apart and it makes me smile. I use to make sure nobody messed with me in school in the third grade when i broke both my teachers hands because he put his ringer in my face. My friends dont say anything when i get mad because they are afraid, ive lost jobs over my temper and attitude and almost been to jail over people saying the wrong thing and me hitting them with my hands and breaking their jaw in five places. idk what to do and i cant afford anything. Please help before i end up in prison.

A: As your letter indicates, if something does not change, you are at risk of committing a more serious criminal act and going to prison. You must do everything in your power to avoid that outcome. If you can’t control your behavior, then you need outside help.

If you want to know how bad prison can be, read Inside: Life Behind Bars in America by Michael Santos. Michael Santos was incarcerated for 25 years of a 45-year sentence for felony drug charges. I would provide an excerpt, but it would be too graphic. If you are interested, read his book. It will allow you to vicariously experience the horrors of prison life without actually having to be there.

Another place to learn about horrible prison conditions are the many lawsuits filed against incarceration facilities. It’s fair to say that the conditions are worse than we can imagine. Some prisoners live in solitary confinement 23 out of 24 hours a day. They’re locked away in a cell no bigger than a parking space and have virtually no contact with people beyond correctional officers who have become desensitized to the plight of prisoners.

Extensive isolation leads to severe mental breakdowns. If you want to see how bad prison life can be, watch the HBO documentary Solitary: Inside Red Onion State Prison. Red Onion is a super max facility in Virginia. One guard describes finding an inmate chewing a large hole in his arm. That’s only a snippet of the wretchedness of prison life. You’re free now, but without a change in behavior you risk being locked in a cage for the rest of your life. Watching the Red Onion documentary might help you to appreciate your freedom.

If you can’t afford treatment, go to the local community mental health center. They often provide free services for those who cannot afford to pay. Tell them you want to meet with a therapist. A good therapist will know how to help you. They will be able to teach you alternative ways of handling strong emotions.

One area of therapeutic focus may be sublimation. Sublimation is a defense mechanism where unacceptable impulses are transformed into socially acceptable actions. A therapist will help you to engage in socially acceptable behavior. That means expending your energy on prosocial instead of antisocial activities, positive instead of troublesome behaviors. It is not an overstatement to suggest that treatment could mean the difference between you having a good life or a life in prison.

Start the process of seeking help by googling “community mental health” and your ZIP Code. Inquire about free anger management services in your community. If you have health insurance, call the one 800 number on the back of the card. Another option is to contact the local church to ask about their free counseling services. You might enlist your parents or good friends to assist you in finding treatment. The goal is to find free or low-cost assistance and to do so immediately before something bad happens.

If you think that you might harm yourself or someone else, go to the emergency room at your local hospital. They will prevent you from harming yourself or others and they will ensure that you have follow-up services.

It is important understand that hurting animals and people are immoral acts that are illegal. You have attacked creatures that were much smaller and weaker than yourself. They could not defend themselves. A friend once shared with me the words of wisdom told to him by his father. His father told him ” no matter how tough you think you are, there is always someone tougher.” Apparently, you haven’t encountered that “tougher someone.” The law of averages says that you will. It is only a matter of time. When that happens, you will be the one having your teeth pulled from your jaw or your eyes plucked from their sockets. It would be wrong for that to happen to you and it is equally wrong for you to do that to someone, anyone, else.

You have attacked the weaker and helpless. How would you feel if you or your mother or sister was attacked by someone much bigger and stronger? Every religion, every nation sees such acts as reprehensible and beneath the dignity of humanity. Would you be alright with someone bigger and stronger ripping your teeth from your mouth or your sister’s mouth? I hope not. These acts are disgusting, immoral and illegal. There are reasons why you do what you do and feel what you feel. You need to discover what they are and change how you behave. If not you will pay dearly in this life and, as so many believe, much more dearly in the life that follows.

You’ve already hurt people (in self-defense) and thus the risk of you doing it again is imminent, which is why treatment is necessary. If you don’t make changes, there is a high likelihood that you will lose your freedom, perhaps for the rest of your life.

The fact that you are asking for help suggests that you are open to change and would benefit from treatment. That is a hopeful sign. Your writing this letter is the first step in making positive changes in your life. The next step involves you attending treatment and hopefully this letter helps you to find it. Please write if you have additional questions. Thank you for your question.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Podcast: Rachel Star: Stunt Girl, Schizophrenia Advocate

In this episode of the Psych Central Show, hosts Gabe Howard and Vincent M. Wales welcome as their guest, Rachel Star, a stunt girl and YouTube sensation who lives with schizophrenia. Rachel had schizophrenia as a child, but was not diagnosed until her early twenties. She describes what it was like as a child and the moment she realize that the things she saw weren’t seen by others. Later in life, as an early adopter of online media, she began posting videos of herself doing outlandish things. The videos became quite popular, even being studied in classes at universities! And yes, she talks about being set on fire.

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Schizophrenia Advocate & Stunt Girl Show Highlights:

“People with mental health disorders… you can still live an amazing, badass life!” ~ Rachel Star

[3:29]   Rachel realizes that no one else actually sees monsters under the bed.

[4:49]   Finally, the diagnosis.

[6:00]   Telling the parents… on a trampoline.

[7:35]   How her father finally “got it.”

[10:10] Rachel Star: Human Torch

[13:55] How Rachel became a stunt girl.

[14:10] From YouTube star to college study subject.

Proud Sponsor of The Psych Central Show

 

 

About Our Guest

Rachel Star is a professional stunt girl for television shows. She has documented her life with schizophrenia and mental health issues for more than ten years on her YouTube channel.

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About The Psych Central Show Podcast Hosts

 

Gabe Howard is an award-winning writer and speaker who lives with bipolar and anxiety disorders. In addition to hosting The Psych Central Show, Gabe is an associate editor for PsychCentral.com. He also runs an online Facebook community, The Positive Depression/Bipolar Happy Place, and invites you to join.  To work with Gabe, please visit his website, gabehoward.com.

 

Vincent M. Wales is a former suicide prevention counselor who lives with persistent depressive disorder. In addition to co-hosting The Psych Central Show, Vincent is the author of several award-winning novels and the creator of costumed hero Dynamistress. Visit his websites at http://ift.tt/2fH3c3L and www.dynamistress.com.

 

 

 

 

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Speed of processing training results in lower risk of dementia

While brain training exercises in general are not receiving a very good press these days, experiments testing effects of BrainHQ's speed of processing exercise called "Double Decision" have been the most convincing. I've tried it out several times, feel like it perks me up quite a bit for awhile, then get really bored repeating it and stop.

In the exercise, you see an image in the center of your vision–for example, either a car or a truck–and at the same time, you see another image way off in your peripheral vision. The images are only on the screen for a brief period of time–well under a second. You then have to say whether you saw the car or the truck in the center of your vision, and then you have to show where you saw the image in your peripheral vision. This challenges the speed and the accuracy of your visual system. And as you get faster and more accurate, the speed increases and the peripheral vision task gets more demanding–pushing your brain further.

Edwards et al. (open source)  now report a randomized controlled trial among 2,802 initially healthy older adults, which examined the efficacy of three cognitive training programs (memory, reasoning, or speed of processing) relative to a no-contact control condition. They found that healthy older adults randomized to the Double Decision speed of processing cognitive training, but not memory or reasoning training, had a 29% reduction in their risk of dementia after 10 years of follow-up compared to the untreated control group.

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Why is Couples Counseling Counter-Productive in Abusive Relationships?

Many people who find themselves married to an abuser tend to believe that marriage counseling is the solution.

A lot of these people believe that they have a relationship problem, such as communication or conflict resolution issues.  Everyone, including the counselor, fails to see that the problem with the relationship resides within the abuser.

The solution to the problem is the abuser’s to fix, and the partner’s job is to stop being responsible for the well-being of the relationship.

People who abuse others do not ever have healthy relationships. Usually, this is because abusive people lack empathy and have an inability to validate others’ feelings.

Suppose you are married to an abusive person and you suggest seeking couple’s therapy. You go to your first session and explain to the counselor that you “fight a lot,” or, “argue too much,” or some such scenario.  The counselor listens to both parties as each explains his/her side of the problem. Many detrimental effects can result:

1. The therapist tends to assume that both parties are being honest. Abusers lie and manipulate therapists, counselors, pastors, etc. Think “Dr. Jekyll, Mr. Hyde.” During sessions the abuser will act contrite, willing, open, and transparent. This is all about “impression management,” There is no real intent to change.
2. Many counselors believe that the problem is relationship-caused, or involves a “systems” therapy approach. This means that the therapist believes that each part of the dyad is responsible for creating the relationship “dynamic.” With this as the presupposition, the counselor proceeds with treatment.
3. If the victim of abuse were to tell the truth to the counselor in front of his/her partner, then on the way home from the session, the abusive partner may commence with “pay back.” This could be in the form of the silent treatment, sulking, seething rage, or even verbal or physical violence. This teaches the victim to keep his/her mouth shut during the next session, and continue to keep on the “mask” he/she wears everywhere else.
4. Abusers use their partners as their frames of reference for their behaviors. An abuser will continue to reinforce this concept when undergoing couple’s counseling. This will not benefit either party.
5. The type of therapy needed for characterological issues, such as abusive behavior, is vastly different than the therapy needed for neurotic pathologies, such as anxiety and depression. A therapist cannot utilize the two approaches needed for therapy in a couple’s session.
6. The individuals need separate therapy in order for each party to focus on him/herself rather than on the relationship. When treating a couple, the counselor will miss the complete dichotomy of the problems involved. The abuser needs to learn how to stop abusing and the partner needs to learn how to stop being abused.
7. Couples counseling is not a treatment for abuse any more than it is a treatment for an addiction. Suppose an addict went to couples therapy to stay sober from his or her drug of choice. Would that work? No. The addict needs to recover from his/her addiction first; individual issues, second; and relationship difficulties, last. Doing couples counseling apart from personal growth is pointless. In fact, once a person has dealt with his or her individual problems, there most likely will not be a need for couple’s therapy at all.

Therapists really are not supposed to pick sides or act as a judge. When abuse is involved in a relationship the counselor cannot sit, in good faith, and pretend to find this acceptable; nor can he/she provide empathy to the abuser. The abuser needs to be held accountable. The victim needs to experience empathy. How can a counselor assign empathy only to one person in the room?

Even by being willing to see a couple together in an abusive relationship, the abuser is given the unspoken message that the problem is not that serious and that it is, indeed, a relationship problem involving joint responsibility.

Many counselors tend to put all problems in the same category of urgency. For instance, one partner has a problem with criticizing her partner, while the other partner has a problem with disorganization. The counselor may falsely place both problems in the same level of damage to the relationship. And when dealing with manipulators, they will definitely capitalize on this process.

This is damaging; being unorganized is not a characterological problem, nor is it abusive to either party. It may be annoying to live with someone who is scatter-brained, or sloppy, or late, but if the behavior isn’t intentionally manipulative or coercive, then it should not carry the same weight as name-calling or silent treatments, or other hurtful behaviors.

The best treatment for abusers is group counseling, explicitly tailored to address controlling and damaging behaviors and attitudes. The most effective groups involve cognitive behavior therapy, accountability, and consequences.  Individual therapy can also be beneficial to an abuser, as long as the therapist addresses the proper issues. Once the individual problems have been addressed, then, maybe, couple’s counseling can be beneficial.

In my opinion, it is helpful to treat abusers the same way you treat addicts. You teach them how to work a “program of recovery;”  “recovery,” being abstinence from all hints of entitlement, selfishness, manipulation, and controlling behaviors – either covert or overt.

The partners of abusers are not completely off the hook, however. The partners need to understand that if they allow themselves to be abused, they will only normalize it and teach the abuser that they will, indeed, tolerate it. This conditions the abuser to continue on with no penalties.

If you are with someone who hurts you, you need to work your own “program of recovery,” and refrain yourself from participating in unhealthy relationships. The help you need will not be found in couple’s therapy.

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Scrupulosity OCD and the Sin of Certainty

When religious and faithful individuals are told that the unremitting thoughts that they are trying to get rid of are due to their OCD, they have difficulty accepting it. They may remember how and where their symptoms began, and may attribute their sinful thoughts to Satan or being cursed somehow somewhere. They may eventually acknowledge the symptoms as OCD but continue to doubt their worthiness.

As they question their thoughts and actions, uncertainty persists. They believe they may find surety if they make a more exerted effort. For example, they may say, “If I pray longer, the intrusive thoughts will stop. Perhaps I didn’t confess all my sins. I must go back and do better. My service to others is not enough. I need to be more humble.” Their mind may come up with countless reasons and stories behind their inability to stop their thoughts and incessant guilt. They may feel evil and don’t realize that OCD is zeroing in on their religion and moral values.

When individuals are devout to their spiritual beliefs and struggle with OCD, treatment can become complex, stressful, and painful. Below are some clarifications regarding scrupulosity OCD.

The “Fix-it Machine”: Our mind allows us to solve external problems by coming up with ways to repair or discard malfunctioning items.  When we experience feelings and thoughts that aren’t working for us, our fix-it machine provides ideas to help us feel better. Just like we can stop the water from a leaking faucet by repairing it, our wonderful mind may propose that we can stop shameful thoughts. Have you noticed what happens when you try to do this? The mind’s other strategies also include: distraction, avoidance, figuring things out, time traveling (ruminating about the past and future), and repetition. Scrupulous individuals agonize, as their guilt and anxiety appear to be non-stop. They compulsively try those unhealthy coping skills. The results seem inconclusive and short lived.  

Impure Thoughts: Many religious and OCD sufferers feel conflicted and tormented when they experience wicked thoughts. They believe that they are not abiding to their religion’s precepts because those thoughts should not exist, yet they persist. They may say, “I’m wicked. I must remove these thoughts permanently.” Their observances such as prayers, singing, and reciting spiritual verses usually provide some comfort. As the thoughts return, they persevere in their belief that they may not be trying hard enough. They then increase the intensity and duration of their observances so they can have longer effect. Soon enough, they find themselves trapped in the obsessive-compulsive web. Their affliction heightens as the unclean thoughts resurface again and again.

The Sin of Certainty: Individuals who struggle with OCD yearn for the certainty that will set them free of guilt and anxiety. Ensuring that they are forgiven may become their primary focus each day, but certainty continues to elude them. They forget that their everyday routines include uncertainty. When it comes to the feared consequences related to their doctrine and beliefs, uncertainty is unacceptable in their view. They continue to do whatever they can to decrease the disturbing dissonance between their souls and their thoughts. The sin of certainty occurs because they become distracted from what matters most — their faith and love of God.

Eventually, exhaustion takes over and they may feel dejected and depressed. They may become disenchanted with their religion. They may say, “If I stay away from the triggers that create this agony, I will be better off.” Sometimes, their anguish may turn into animosity towards their church.

The OCD Web: The quest for certainty becomes a stumbling block to their faith and their desired spirituality. Individuals become entangled with their thoughts and feelings and are unable to separate themselves from those internal experiences. As they feel trapped, the entanglement ensues with obsessions and compulsions that become their demise.

It doesn’t have to be that way. You can unravel yourself from unhelpful thoughts and become more flexible with them. When you notice you are getting caught up in the OCD web, remember that:

• Our mind is continually producing thoughts. Therefore, controlling and stopping thoughts is not possible. It is only wishful thinking.
• Every mortal being will have impure thoughts at one time or another. This is not to reassure you, but to remind you that it is best to come to terms with the fact that you are an earthly creature and imperfect. Trying to achieve purity in thought is not possible in this life.
• Because you have scrupulosity OCD, the thoughts that show up may be opposite to what you hold dear in your heart, such as your faith and moral values. Remember that this is what happens. Don’t be surprised when OCD morphs or entangles your thoughts and feelings related to other important areas of your life.

Notice what happens when you hold your thoughts lightly. Observe them as they move at their own pace. You can learn to do this instead of trying to figure out why you had them.

Remember, you have thoughts — pleasant and unpleasant ones — for various reasons including: you have a human mind, and religion and moral values are important to you. You don’t have to get trapped with the sin of certainty in the OCD web.

You have a choice!

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Help Me Study Better and Remember What I’ve Studied

From Algeria: Dear Therapist. i am just sorry to contact you for a studying problem that might have an underlying psychological issue.

in fact after getting graduated with a master in law i was the first student of my class room (2016), in the same year a administrative decision was taken by the minister that in order to study in the phd degree you should pass an exam in all the fields of your studying area and one selected field (in law surely) and that “there is no deference between the first student and the last one, every one has got to pass the national exam” another professor told me that if you won the first rank, than you should be asked why! (Means that I need to prove that i am worthy, it’s like he said that five years of studying and passing more than 10 exams and getting the best marks in most subjects its not a solid proof of my ability!)

that’s why i am still unable to win that exam and i feel angry and fully charged when i try to study for it (can’t even go deep), and i feel really sad when i see last ranked or less ranked student get passed the exam but honestly i do not envy them at all.
another case i saw three student that was first in their class rooms and still the “national phd exam” beating theme for two years and i see the frustration & the unsatisfying emotion in their face, it’s like being “kicked out”!

please dear therapist if you can just advise me to get rid of those feelings, and give me some tips to use them to get my psychic situation better. and if you can just give me a list of Technics that help me study better and remember what I’ve studied.
thank you very much and warm regards!

A: I don’t think you have an underlying psychological problem. I think you are trying to find a rational way to deal with an irrational problem. Clearly, the situation has nothing to do with you. I don’t know what the minister is trying to do. It does seem like he doesn’t necessarily want top students to get into top jobs. This has to be very, very frustrating and discouraging and angry-making.

The only way to manage it, I think, is to tell yourself that, yes, it is all unreasonable but that you still have to do whatever it is that you have to do to pursue the profession you want so much. Remind yourself that the situation isn’t fair, but you have no power to change it. You have to just follow the rules to get where you want to go despite the unfairness.

Then do what you’ve always done successfully. Study. Take the exam and get your usual top score. One of my favorite quotes is by George Herbert, a 16th century English poet and writer. He said, “Living well is the best revenge.” In your case, showing them what you are capable of is your best revenge on an unfair system. Hopefully, once you are in a job, you’ll gain some authority to make changes that will benefit the people coming after you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why You Need a Strong Sense of Self and How to Boost It

When life is busy or challenging, most people get so caught up in what goes on in their head that they forget all about the rest of their body. But problems and difficulties are best addressed with the whole of you. If you focus on your issues with a strong sense of self — rather than only your mind — your confidence and inner compass have a solid base for operating in the world. This is enhanced by being fully present in the here and now — rather than dwelling on the past or projecting thoughts into the future.

The term “sense of self” relates to the perception you have of yourself, your self-image. You know who you are, and are okay with it. But if your view of yourself is dominated by the inner critic, your sense of self is compromised. Your authenticity, confidence and vitality will suffer.

To develop and strengthen a realistic sense of self, focus on the following qualities:

Know Yourself.

Realistic self-knowledge and self-awareness are a prerequisite for operating from a position of authenticity. Make sure you know how you tick: your values, beliefs and traits, how you are in the world and interact with others.

Accept Yourself.

Self-acceptance is one of the most important qualities to develop. Self-esteem feeds off performance and achievements, boosting feelings of self-worth when there is something to be proud of. The problem is, that once performance drops, self-esteem plummets, as many retired athletes have experienced.

With self-acceptance you do not only focus on the ‘good’. You know the whole picture of who you are – good, bad, indifferent. You do not shy away from acknowledging your talents, skills and successes. But more than that, you also accept shortcomings, failures and hiccups without trying to hide them or engaging in serious self-recrimination.

Self-acceptance knows that imperfection is an unavoidable part of being human. It is about being realistic and honest – with understanding, self-compassion and the willingness to face those parts of yourself that might require a tune-up.

Affirm Your Boundaries.

If you have a tendency to compliance, you might fit in with your current tribe but it will damage your sense of self. Denying your own opinions and inclinations for the sake of pleasing others, undermines your integrity and individuality. Of course, all relationships require compromises to function well, but that is not the same as letting your boundaries be violated.

To stand your ground with grace and ease, practice setting limits, negotiation, assertive communication, saying ‘no’ and handling criticism.

Mistrust Your Fears.

There is much to be apprehensive about: the state of the world, the unknown, your personal future, unforeseen and uninvited changes. But fearful thoughts have a tendency to exaggerate and catastrophize. They also seem terribly convincing and so true that you might be led into fearful retreat. However, avoidance does not conquer fear. Only facing and taking action regardless of it will give you strength, confidence and self-assurance.

Be at peace with yourself.

Is your mind often tuned in to radio Triple F? Glued to the scary stories about Fears, Flaws and Failure inside your mind? What is that doing for your motivation, get-up-and-go, your rational thinking? Going through life can be fraught with difficulties and turbulence. There will be moments of uncertainty, rattled confidence, instances of making mistakes and anxiousness. But radio Triple F is the wrong station to listen to. It will sabotage your best efforts and prevent peaceful living.

Practise being comfortable in your own company. Trust that you have got what it takes to manage life’s difficulties. Take time out from striving and doing and tune into yourself. Slow down for a little while, breathe and remind yourself that you are okay just as you are. You are as worthy as everyone else and deserve to experience yourself with self-love.

Live a Self-directed Life.

Much of what happens in life is beyond your control. But giving in to helplessness or lack of hope, procrastination or passivity, following what others want you to do, uncritically believing what you are told, are sure ways to sabotage any sense of personal power. Irrespective of the circumstances, you have the ability – and the right – to choose how you respond to life’s events and map your own way forward.

When you live with self-awareness, know and accept yourself, stand your ground when needed and walk your own path through fears and obstacles, you have a solid inner compass. You are not easily bowled over or deny who you truly are. Claim the only real anchor anyone of us can have – a strong sense of self:

Today you are you, that is truer than true.

There is no one alive who is youer than you.

-Dr. Seuss

What is your sense of self about? How have you been able to develop or maintain it? If yours needs boosting, what key will help you most?

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The Diet Linked To 51% Higher Depression Risk

Huge rise in depression risk is linked to eating certain types of foods.

• Try one of PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do (NEW)
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything

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10 Ways to Survive (and Thrive) as a Military Spouse with Anxiety

The military seems to be governed by rules, standards and routines, but in reality it is a constantly changing beast that thrives on ruining any plans you have set at the very last minute. For a person with anxiety, this can be a nightmare. This article will help you wrangle in this beast and start to tame it.

1. Make connections early.

Try to find friends in the area. This can be in person with people in your spouse’s unit or in the Family-Readiness Group (FRG) as well as online. There are many online groups that are for spouses all over the world and specific to certain bases. Join a few and see who you meet. I’ve seen a lot of posts that basically say, “Hey I just moved to Fort such-and-such and I’m looking to find some new friends. Here’s a little about me…”. After being a spouse for a while, the concept of having to start over and meet new people is really common, so people are supportive of adding new people to their friend group.

2. Know your triggers.

Knowing what triggers your anxiety will help you manage it. Think about when your anxiety starts to flare up. Write down the thoughts that go through your head when you’re anxious or having a panic attack. Write these things down and start to look for patterns. When you figure out what triggers your anxiety, you can be more mindful when you go into those situations. You can use your coping skills to reduce the effect of the anxiety and try to help keep you calm.

3. Create a coping skills toolbox.

This is basically a list of things that help you cope with your anxiety. Certain things work better depending on the person and can sometimes be situation specific. For example, rocking out to your favorite upbeat song can work when you’re feeling nervous in a car, but not so much in the middle of a meeting. It is good to have a variety of coping skills that you can use, so you can tailor to your situation. Some things that you can add to your toolbox might be journaling, taking a walk, listening to music, belly breathing, fidget toys or using a progressive muscle relaxation script. There’s this great article by Haley Quinn where she compiled coping strategies that you won’t necessarily find by searching online.

4. Be honest and ask for help.

Sometimes our coping skills don’t work as well as we hope. We still get overwhelmed and anxious in certain situations. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. I find that telling people that I have anxiety before asking for something gives me more leeway to ask for help on something that seems minor. Enlist your friends for help. Let them know what your triggers are and what helps you. For my friends that have anxiety I give them specific directives and make sure to give them lots of details. This helps them to control their anxiety since they know what to expect. Find out what helps you control your anxiety better and ask for it.

5. Follow a self-care plan.

Anxiety likes to rear its head when we’re stressed out and tired. The military can easily make you overwhelmed and create a sensory overload with everything happening at once. A self-care plan allows us to recharge and re-center. It can be hard to take the time out for ourselves when we have a lot of other responsibilities. Common self-care activities are exercising, taking a bath, drinking tea, or creating some type of art. Self-care activities can be anything that allows you to relax and handle life’s stressors. When we are recharged, we are able to have more patience, stronger ability to cope and are more resilient to life.

6. Expect plans to always change.

A big trigger for anxiety is not knowing what to expect. A lot of people with anxiety like to plan and have everything in place ahead of time. The military is known for changing plans at the very last minute, even big things like a PCS (permanent change of station AKA moving). Always expect the military to change the plans. By expecting it, it takes some of the fear out of it. It can also allow you to create plans B and C…and maybe D, E and F and not cling so much to the plans you have already made.  

7. Create routines but be flexible.

Creating routines can help ease anxiety. As mentioned above the military likes to change things, so learn to be flexible. One of the ways you may need to be flexible is when you go shopping, because unless you love crowds never go to the commissary on payday. Just don’t do it. Routines in the morning can help you start your day without running around and stressing out because you’re late. Give yourself some extra time as well since plans can always change. While routines can help, it is important to be flexible. Being ridged in the military life will cause you more stress and anxiety.

8. Check your thoughts.

Sometimes anxiety causes us to think irrationally. When you start to feel anxious, see if your thoughts are based in actual evidence or starting to run wild. You can even write out your thoughts and determine if there is evidence for or against your thought patterns. Over time this will come more easily and you can quickly do a check-in with yourself to make sure you’re on track. Another thing to consider is where you are getting your information. Are you watching the news too much or are you getting your information straight from the unit? The news sells stories. It is their job to get viewers to have an emotional reaction so they continue to watch. You may need to remove yourself from certain activities if they are a trigger for you.

9. See a therapist or do check-ins.

Sometimes anxiety might start to overtake your life. Going to see a therapist might help reset your baseline. They are trained to help identify where your anxiety is stemming from and how to help you tackle it. Sometimes it just helps to get an outside perspective on what you are going through. Even if anxiety isn’t overtaking your life, it can be helpful to do check-ins to make sure that you are maintaining and not starting to slip back into old habits.

10. Don’t be a hermit.

Lastly, get out and enjoy your life. It can be scary to move to a new place with lots of written and unwritten rules to follow. Don’t let that stop you! Military spouses understand the struggles and problems that are commonplace in the lifestyle and thus can be your best source for friendship and support. Go to events and get involved in the community. It has a lot to offer if you take advantage of it. Embrace the culture and thrive!

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Being Engaged While Being Trapped Financially Helping Parents

I have been in a relationship for almost 5 years, engaged for 2. We want to get married, however I basically support my family. My mother has many health issues and has not yet been approved for disability and my dad cannot afford things on his own. My fiancé has his own apartment and I want to move in, but I am feeling guilty about it since I give so much to my parents financially, I worry they won’t be able to afford our current house on their own. My fiancé and I are tired of waiting and he is basically giving me a deadline of when I need to move out and stop helping my parents, but I don’t know if they will be financially stable by then. He is tired of waiting and quite frankly, so am I, but I don’t want to see my parents struggle to have a roof over their head and I also do not want to lose my relationship. I feel like this is the ultimate ultimatum. My parents aren’t helping any because they are not trying to help themselves and I just feel like
they aren’t trying to make their situation better. The house we are in currently is a rental and they have just been pre-approved for a mortgage but they are dragging their feet in looking for houses, making appointments with a realtor, and so on. It’s like they are putting my life on hold for an indefinite amount of time. How do I tell my parents they are affecting my relationship and my life and I need to move out before it ruins my relationship? It would be a perfect world if I can move out and still help financially like I do, but realistically there is no way that is possible. (From the USA)

A:  As long as you are there to keep things afloat your parents won’t find the resources they need to take care of themselves. Explain to them that you have a deadline. Give them time to prepare. But your support may be enabling them to remain in the situation. This is a crossroad for you, your parents, and your relationship. Without a deadline your parents won’t be motivated to change.

As you get ready to go help them get social services and give them the tools to get the information and help themselves. To stay means you will be in orbit around their needs — and continue to neglect your own.

This doesn’t men you have to abandon them, but it does mean your life can’t be perpetually put on hold. You can still help out in some ways, but not by filling in for their responsibilities.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Parenting Fails that Won’t Doom Your Kids Life

Parenting is really tough and despite our best intentions, no parent gets it completely right 100% of the time. When it comes to parenting, we have to accept that embarrassing gaffes are just par for the course. The upside — other than having that adorable bundle of mischievous energy in your life — is that these goofs are comedy gold that make your parenting journey utterly delightful.

Fortunately, kids are more resilient than we parents give them credit for. So if you are guilty of any of these parenting fails, quit beating yourself up — especially if everyone turned out just fine:

Family photos gone wrong.

I’m willing to bet every family has at least one of these somewhere. There seems to be an unspoken rule that whenever you round up toddlers for a family photo, hilarity ensues. The camera captures it all for posterity from weird facial expressions, awkward postures, bawling children and harassed parents. Good thing is, these photos make for the funniest family stories later on. Be considerate about posting them online though as kids, especially teens, might not appreciate the unflattering attention.

Kitchen mishaps.

You want to surprise your kids with something special for dinner so you decide to try out that recipe you got online. Only after you’ve cooked the meal and served it up for your little ones do you realize that maybe not every recipe on Pinterest should be trusted. So you chuck your failed experiment in the bin, order take-out and hope that you didn’t destroy your kids’ sense of taste. You also learn the importance of first making and tasting every recipe before dishing it out to others.

Toddler makeovers and DIY projects.

Kids love expressing themselves, especially where they’re not supposed to. Leave them unattended (even for five minutes) and you’ll be pleasantly surprised with evidence of their artistic sides. You never knew how many creative uses crayons, chalk, permanent markers and even kitchen flour or oil could be put to until toddlers get hold of them.

I still shudder when I remember the time my youngest painted himself green with a sharpie because he wanted to be the Grinch. From that day on, I’m always suspicious whenever my children are too quiet. That’s usually when mischief is brewing.

Parental memory lapses.

We parents are usually so busy that some things just slip our minds. Like the time my wife was supposed to pick up our kids from dance class but she totally forgot thinking it was my turn to do it. Or that time I took the wrong child for a doctor’s appointment only to realize my mistake halfway there. If something like this has happened to you — maybe you forgot to put sweets in the kids’ piñata or you put on your baby’s diaper over his onesie (or forgot it altogether) — relax. You’re in good company and your kids aren’t going to be scarred for life because of your forgetfulness.

Kids’ verbal bloopers.

While it’s true children say the darndest things, you won’t think it’s funny when they pick up curse words. I didn’t know how much I used to say “Shit” in my daughter’s presence. In my defense, I used to mutter it believing she was out of earshot. I realized how mistaken I was when one day as we were getting ice-cream, hers partly melted and fell down. Without missing a beat, my little angel screamed, “Shit!” loud enough for everyone to hear. Needless to say, I was mortified and from then on I was more careful about what I said around my children.

Forgetting to lock up.

Stories abound about parents who learned the error of not locking doors in the funniest ways, the most memorable being Professor Kelly who had his interview with the BBC famously interrupted by his kids. Then there are those whose kids surprised them in bed or in the shower and those whose children found personal items and used them for their own amusement. You really can’t blame them, kids are curious creatures and the lure of hidden items is just too much for them to resist. If they find them, they’ll definitely play with them. A better approach would be to teach them the importance of privacy and also locking things up to prevent children from getting their hands on them.

These fails prove that no one is perfect at parenting and we all screw up once in awhile. So instead of trying to be the perfect parent, learn to laugh at your goofs. Not only is it incredibly therapeutic, it also teaches your children that you’re not infallible. Best of all, you’ll have something to reminisce and laugh about when they grow older.

 

Resources:

• http://ift.tt/2zAUWc8
• https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mh4f9AYRCZY&feature=youtu.be
• http://ift.tt/2ne5Jah
• http://ift.tt/2B8ck91
• http://ift.tt/2y6td5T
• http://ift.tt/2yOTD91

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