From France: I have contacted you because my boyfriend started to see a psychotherapist since last autumn and I was skeptical from the start but I couldn’t forbid him this. Now lets start with a few things about him: he had in the past really bad moments, never contacted a psychotherapist even then he really needed one. He fighted with weed dependence, he had obsessive compulsive thoughts because of drugs, anxiety…then a doctor recommended him Seroxat, he had a dependence for this medication too. Also he liked alcohol. It is not an alchoolist, but he likes to drink lot when he has occasion and person with similar pleasure for drinks.
I have fighted with all his dependence…instead of focusing more on our feelings, on our relationships, on consolidating trust and and showing me he loves me and he really wants to create a future with me, we put our relashionship on Pause to solve these problems. He had this thing that marked him: he grewed up with grandparents since 10 years, because his parents left in another country to work. Now on 25 years he still leaving with his hrandmother. I moved to him, because I really wanted to make this relationship to work and I thought this will be temporarily, but now I am sure he won’t do a step for me to leave with me in a place which to be “our place”.
We are in a almost 4 years relantionship. Should I say that he gaved me an engagement ring 2 years ago? After Christmas? Beautiful, right? But he used drugs a day before giving me that ring. It’s a memory a cannot describe. there were so many good times when he could do this. that was not a good moment. at least for me, and he knew I don’t agree with use of drugs.
Now, I am again in the situation of fighting with a new dependence of him. This what I call “dependence” is something which repeat over and over, without hope for me that will end and I think affects me and our relationship.
Since he started to go on his psychotherapist, he changed… into what? I don’t know, but it’s worse. He didn’t wanted to tell me how it was, just a simple “ok. it’s was fine, we talked interesting things”. After a few weeks, I stopped to ask him how it was because he became a little irritated when I did this. Since then , it’s like every person which has a problem, he recommend to go and see a psychotherapist, even if is not necessary. An he’s not missing an opportunity to say again and again how good is his psychotherapist. It pissed me off. He makes always the next appointment. He remember all of them, he has even a memento for this. Even if he doesn’t have money, he will take somehow and go there. He is really sorry and embarrassed when he cannot arrive at one or more session. It’s not a problem, only it’s not his type.
I helped him to give up on drugs, I moved on him, I helped him to give up on seroxat, I encouraged him to take car permis, I gave him even money for this, we took in the end a car, …and there were so many thing I was there for him and now he thinks I am “stupid,” ignorant, illogical just because I am sick to hear one more time how amazing is his psychotherapist.
We argued before, but never like now, after this. He knews he doesn’t show his feeling, and it’s really hard for me to have a strong confidence that he loves me. He never make me compliment, only critics, stupid stupid critics. Never appreciates how many thing I gaved up for him, never appreciates that I clean the house, I accept to stay with his dog and with his grandmother. None of this. His psychotherapist is good, amazing and sympathetic, not me. Right…
From my point of view, your boyfriend’s relationship with his therapist isn’t the core problem. It is only the latest in a series of dependencies your boyfriend has had. Hopefully, his therapist will understand that dependency is an important underlying issue.
This relationship has been one sided for far too long. From your story, it seems that you are doing all the work to make this relationship even happen, much less happy. Please ask yourself why you have let yourself become so dependent on this man that you will put up with almost anything he does in order to keep the relationship. You give and give. He takes and takes. However cute he is, however wonderful he can be at times, the relationship as a whole has never been a healthy one.
Please take a big step back. You deserve much better treatment from someone who claims to love you and who says he wants to spend his life with. From what you shared, I think you have every reason to separate and to look for someone who will be an equal partner and who will treat you with the respect and caring you deserve.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
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