Ever since I was 2 years old my mum was always working here in the US while I was left back in Asia with my dad and other relatives. I love my mum, I really do but sometimes she’s just too much.
When my dad died 4 years ago she wanted me to live with her, but now I’m already 24, I expressed my future plans of wanting to live by myself, she lashes out and guilt trips me. I understand where she’s coming from, she needs help to take care of my 10-year-old brother but she expects me to live with her until he’s 18!
She doesn’t want to let me go, saying that I’m such an ungrateful child wanting to leave her. I can’t even make my plans of continuing my studies without arguing because the school I have chosen is far from home. I can’t even work regularly because she wants me to stay at home and babysit my brother and my cousin’s baby. Everywhere she goes, I should be always present even when I’m terribly sick, she never listens and will scold me if only I should have taken medicine I would have been better already!
I don’t know what to do and I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted. I feel like my depression is getting worse to the point I don’t even like doing the things I used to enjoy. I feel so torn inside. Please help!
A: It is time to deal more directly with your mother’s emotional neediness, manipulation, and unrealistic thinking. Abandoning your own life to help a mother unwilling to help herself adequately will continually drain you. There is no delicate end to this type of situation. Once your brother turns 18, your mother will simply find other ways to manipulate you into staying.
You mother’s anger is the thing that is causing your guilt. The work is to get yourself some support through individual or group therapy and make a plan to get out from under your mother’s control. Your mother is robbing you of your life in order to feed her own. This is a selfish and irresponsible way of parenting.
I’d encourage you to make a plan to move on with your life, while helping your mom get services she needs. Ideally you and she should go to therapy together so the therapist can help broker this process — but if she is unwilling I’d make the appointment for yourself and get some direct guidance as to how to reclaim your own life.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral
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