From the U.S.: My bf and I have been together about 8 months. The last half of this was sprinkled with traumatic events because of my past traumas. I was emotionally abusive at times, reacted with anger/insults out of jealousy/insecurity. He wants to leave but I don’t want to split, I am promising him I will change because I know I have/will (I am finally in counseling) I love him endlessly although some of my actions have not shown that.
I feel like after all of the failed relationships in my past that if he leaves I wont have the strength to move on. I have already found myself in despair and suicidal feelings. He feels pressured by those emotions to stay and I do not want him to stay just because I am suicidal. My reactions to previous events made him feel unloved although that was not the case – he was and is immensely important to me. He is my best friend and I fear loosing him.
I want love, strength, stability, peace, and healing together. I want to be able to fully love each other and maintain that. I still believe in his ability to overcome this with me. I believe that because I want to be my best self not just for us but for my own reasons that I will. He told me he felt disposable and is worried moving forward that he is fighting his own intuition to leave and that he may also be triggered by our past.
I’m doing all I can to be accountable for my actions. How can I help assure him that his inner feelings are valid however we can move forward together with out ignoring that? How can I help him trust me again and heal together? How can I show him that I truly love him even though it didn’t seem that way in the past?
You’ve written an articulate and heart-felt letter. I understand your boyfriend’s caution. I am very glad you understand that he can’t be fully in a relationship with you if he stays out of fear of your suicidality.
I’m so glad you are in counseling to deal with your past traumas and current dilemma. My best suggestion for a chance at moving forward in this relationship is that you talk to your counselor about including your boyfriend in your treatment for a while, either with her or with a cooperating couples therapist.
If the two of you could figure out how to move forward in a healthy way, you would have done so already. There is no shame in calling in some help to get past a stuck place.
I wish you well.
Dr Marie
from Ask the Therapist http://bit.ly/2GRiCif
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