Why dreams are remembered or forgotten, where dreams are controlled in the brain, what they mean and more…
Dr Jeremy Dean's ebooks are:
Longest ever study of personality dramatically answers the old question of whether people really change with age.
Dr Jeremy Dean's ebooks are:
Over the past few weeks, we’ve been taking a deep dive of discovery into the idea that your relationships play a pivotal role in your private practice success.
We started by taking a hard look at the nature of your current professional relationships.
You then took this quiz to get an honest assessment of the way YOU may be contributing to stagnating relationships.
And then we explored the how behind creating powerful professional relationships.
This week, we’re going to talk about how you can harness all of this professional power to take your business to the next level by joining – da da da DUUUN – Mastermind groups.
For some of you, the concept of a Mastermind group is completely new. Others of you have certainly heard of them and perhaps even been a part of one. If you’re in the latter group and you’re still reading this series, chances are you’ve fallen into the bog of a failed Mastermind.
GAGH.
A Mastermind Is:
A Mastermind Is Not:
*These are called support or process groups. They’re totally amazing and if this is what you’re looking for, join a therapy group. You world will be rocked.
While many Mastermind groups start out with the best of intentions, the vast majority of them digress into the latter camp. If this happens, we spend tons of time feeling frustrated and guilty about the state of the group… which leads us to start a second group to get support with the first group. And on and on. #therapists
No. Stop. Don’t to it.
The success of your Mastermind depends upon:
1) The structure;
2) The willingness of participants to stick to that structure;
3) Your ability to find participants who are committed to setting clear goals and creating the map to achieve those goals, even when “life gets in the way.”
There are a lot of different forms your group might take. The important thing is that you decide upon a clear structure and stick to it in a disciplined way.
Here are some things to take into consideration as your considering your Mastermind’s structure.
The way you answer each of these questions depends on your goals. For example, if you’re someone who is in the beginning stages and need consistent accountability, more frequent meetings are a good idea. If you’re someone who is interested in innovating in terms of how you run your practice, it makes sense to attract participants from a diversity of professional backgrounds.
Jamie Tardy of Eventual Millionaire has a great podcast episode where you get to listen in on a live Mastermind group to get a sense of how they work. While we all like to think we’re unique and, thus, want to build everything from scratch to account for our special natures, this isn’t the area to do so.
Bajillionaires have already refined the structures that lead to formidable Mastermind groups. Learn what they do and then copy it!
So, now that you are stoked to be part of a Mastermind group, the question is – do you start your own or join one that is pre-existing?
One of the difficulties for a lot of therapreneurs that I speak to is that they don’t actually know too many driven, direct and highly successful people. Thus, it’s hard to find one, much less 4 or 5 solid professionals.
A second problem is that of a track record. When forming a Mastermind group, it behooves you to find people who have been as successful, if not much more, successful than you – at least in the particular areas you want to grow. For example, if you’re really great at creating high-end workshops, but you struggle to come up with systems to allow you to offload some of the work, it would be a great idea to invite a member who has done an excellent job at investing in great systems, but wants to learn how to put on large events.
Many therapists fall into the trap of inviting friends who they’re comfortable with – folks who may be in the same place you are, or not quite where you are, but who say they want to take it to the next level. By inviting members who are excited to join, but lack a track record of strategic, disciplined follow-through, you run the risk of creating another social circle. These social circles can be fun and emotionally supportive, but they are not mastermind groups, which have the sole goal of building and streamlining your business.
So, while it may feel hard to start a group from scratch, it’s not impossible. Here’s an example of one up and coming business owner who used consistent and strategic outreach to entice entrepreneurs who were much further along to join her Mastermind group.
The second option is that you can join a pre-existing Mastermind group of powerful, disciplined movers and shakers who are looking for a new member. Make sure that, when joining, you are clear and direct about what you are looking for and that you make sure their groups contain the elements of a successful Mastermind that we discussed in this article.
Whether you invest in joining a pre-built Mastermind group, join a pre-existing peer group with a great track record, or build your own, being a part of a motivated community of individuals who are as eager to learn and apply said learnings to their businesses as you are is one of the surest ways to create a six or seven figure business – yes, even as a therapist in private practice.
If you get this formula right, it’s almost impossible to go wrong! You’ll end up with a powerful group of brilliant people who are investing in your business’s success and you just might form some of the most intimate friendships you’ve ever had.
photo credits:rawpixel
I have serious delusions, like every minute of every day I’m convinced I have a life threatening illness (STD’s even though I’ve never been sexually active, heart problems even though i’ve had a heart appointment and given the all clear and cancer because i’m paranoid) I HAVE HAD SERIOUS HALLUCINATIONS FOR THE PAST 4-5 YEARS THAT I AM CONVINCED ARE TRYING TO KILL ME. I jump to different trains of thought mid sentence quite often, and I change subject, leaving the other person wondering what the first one is about, which is VERY irritable. My moods are extremely spontaneous, compulsions have become slightly harder to resist and there is sometimes certain patterns that I must have in the right order. I constantly rock back and forth, until I’ll just stop and be completely still for hours. If I was to describe what being deprived of rocking was like, it would be an insatiable ache. If I can’t rock in whatever situation I’m in and I have to (because of that ache) I tend to get anxiety, and I know some of this sounds like an obsessive compulsive disorder but it is definitely not OCD. Also just wanted to see what I should do and whether or not you can be committed for schizophrenia because that is a delusion I also have, that someone will take me away in a matter of time. Also, the hallucinations have been going on for so long that I have developed an emotional attachment to them and as well as getting SEVERE anxiety when they are there, I get anxiety when they’re not. So I just want to know what I SHOULD do. I promise you none of this is fake or a lie.
A. An individual’s diagnosis typically has no bearing on whether or not they will be committed to a hospital. Involuntary commitments occur when an individual poses an imminent danger to themselves or to other people. For instance, an individual might be involuntarily committed to a hospital if they threatened to harm a specific person or described a detailed plan to commit suicide. Clearly, you are suffering, but the question is: Do you pose a threat to yourself or others? If so, you should welcome the safety and help that hospitalization will provide.
Diagnosis is impossible based solely upon a letter. I can only provide general information. Some of your symptoms may be characteristic of health anxiety obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). Health anxiety is also known as hypochondria or hypochondriasis. People with health anxiety believe they are sick despite benign test results and reassurance from medical professionals. It’s important to avoid self diagnosis. It is best to meet with a mental health professional, in-person, who can determine what might be wrong.
Schizophrenia and OCD commonly co-occur. Some research suggests that up to 50% of people with schizophrenia have obsessive-compulsive like symptoms. In other studies, approximately 25% of people with schizophrenia disorders also have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Though there is a co-occurrence between OCD and schizophrenia, the relationship between the two remains a mystery.
The best solution is to seek treatment. During your first appointment, a clinician will collect information about your life circumstances and symptom history. He or she will utilize that information to determine a diagnosis. A treatment plan will then be created. Treatment will likely involve both medication and psychotherapy. You should expect to feel better as your symptoms dissipate with treatment. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
The process of creating something from nothing can be terrifying, especially when thinking you have to do it all by yourself. Knowing how to be open and permeated by the world you are living in helps, because then everything around you becomes material for your creation. The world around starts to look like a friendly collaborator — with the design to inspire and inform you.
All of a sudden the woman talking too loudly in the coffee shop is dropping lines that work their way into the character you are writing about, the jerk who stepped in front of you in the elevator has a saying on his t-shirt that becomes the title to your next chapter, and that smell you notice while walking past the bakery has cardamom in it, the missing ingredient you have been searching for.
But there is a process between throwing up your antennae to the heavens for inspiration, grounding to the earth for the energy, and opening your system to be permeated by the universe so that the act of creation becomes a wild collaborative act with everything around you.
Because fear can get in the way. Fear is, without doubt, an enemy of the creative process — until you know how to channel it. What’s worse, if you don’t know how to listen to fear, and hear it as something separate from yourself, you might actually believe that what it is saying is true.
When fear comes to me, it often says things like, “There is someone out there who could do this better. You won’t finish, why should you waste so much time on it? You don’t know enough to write about this.”
The only way to work with fear, it to face it straight on. Here is one of my favorite meditations and exercises when working with students:
One of the most powerful things you can do is take the time to face and listen to your fear. It might be just trying to scare you away from the page, or it might be begging you to face the fact that you just wrote 300 pages in the wrong direction of your book. But when you get in the habit of making the distinction between fear being a voice in your head, rather than the truth, then you can start to use it as an ally and a tool.
This post courtesy of Spirituality & Health.
Damn, they can’t even ask for directions, how are they going to ask for help when feeling vulnerable, weak or confused? Why would they want to yakity yak about their problems to a complete stranger? This is akin to exposing the chink in one’s armor. And who would want to do that?
But, it seems to me that we’re unfairly judgmental, because we don’t appreciate that traditional talk therapy has always been more oriented toward women’s ways. When you are in therapy, you are supposed to talk about emotional stuff, self-disclose, explore feelings, reflect on the past, trust your therapist and be open to receiving help, suggestions and advice. This is a woman’s dream. Expressing feelings is easy for most of us. Opening up to a non-judgmental, listening ear is heaven for us. Feeling understood is what we crave. Trusting others who know more than we know makes us feel secure.
For most men, however, it’s different. It’s harder for men to trust another person with their innermost feelings. From the time they were little boys, they’ve gotten the message that they need to be “tough” and “competitive.” Showing fear or weakness is shameful. A boy learns early on that he is not supposed to be “too sensitive.” If he is, he pays the heavy price of being ridiculed or ostracized by his peers.
As adults, many men still feel that there is no safe environment in which they can express their feelings. They may long for emotional intimacy, but expressing themselves often backfires on them. Why?
Because when men finally open up and “talk about it,” they often feel worse, not better. Too often, they end up (at home and at work) with unsolicited advice. He’s told what’s wrong with him, what he should or shouldn’t be doing or what he never should have done. Feeling bruised, he withdraws to his cave to lick his wounds.
Hence, it’s no wonder that many guys resist traditional talk therapy. They know that it requires them to do things they are uncomfortable with: “open up”, “trust”, “express feelings” and “accept help.”
Therapy is viewed as even more threatening if he is “sent” to it by a spouse making an ultimatum, a work situation that demands it or a family intervention. He may fear, sometimes rightly so, that he will be criticized, ridiculed, patronized or asked questions that will make him look like he’s stupid. As a defense against these feelings, he may enter therapy with an attitude of superiority (you can’t teach me anything), entitlement (I’ll do whatever I want to do) and contempt for others and for the process of psychotherapy (this is all bull shit).
Now, before I receive a slew of angry letters, the description above is not true for all men. Yet, it is true for many men. So rather than expecting men to set aside their socialization experience and adapt to traditional therapy, I think it’s well past time for therapy to become oriented toward guy’s ways.
Here’s my idea of effective guy therapy:
As men come to believe that therapy respects and values their ways of being in the world, they might be much more open to the process.
©2017
If you’re like most people, you write a LOT of emails. And, you probably spend your time focusing on your email’s contents while giving little thought to your closing. However, a new study from email software provider Boomerang suggests that [...]
We have been married now for 21 years and have a son aged 20. My wife is very very possessive of me and my son. She lost her mother when she was 20. She has completed her graduation and currently she is house wife.
She went through menopause at the age of 43. She is not on any medication as such till now.
Issues which I am facing for the last 10 years:
1. She does not like to socialize even though she has friends.
2. She wants to be alone and just be with son and husband.
3. She does not want any one to come home and stay with us even for a day.
4. She keeps thinking some or the other issues and keeps herself restless.
5. She always has negative thinking that something will go wrong or some thing is going to happen.
6. She is very brave but always frightened, she does not show her weakness by showing that fear. Instead she starts shouting at people or get irritated very fast.
7. She does not want to change her lifestyle or routine and keeps thinking that she likes the way she is and does not want to change.
8. Some or the other thoughts keeps running in her mind always.
9. She feels that all others around her are only acting and not genuine.
10. she wants to be happy, but feels that being happy something may go wrong so she restricts herself being happy.
11. She hates Mother in law and always thinks that mother in law is planning something against her even though there is nothing that occurs or planned as such.
12. She knows that she is wrong, but does not want to accept it stating that she likes to be like that.
13. She is very clear that she does not want to change at all.
14. She does not want to be busy also and says that she does what she likes and don’t want to be busy with work or some activity.
15. She loves going to Gym and she does it by heart every day.Need some help, suggestions to change her attitude and stop making her keep thinking and getting wrong or negative thinking. Thanks very much. (From India)
A: “Things don’t change, we change.” – Henry David Thoreau.
The issue here isn’t so much about your wife needing to change, but for you to change. It is time to stop walking on eggshells and break out of her orbit. Her pathology sounds entrenched, she has been this way for a very long time, and she has declared very clearly she is not going to change. This means you and your son will have to do things that suit your growth and development rather than let her determine what can and can’t happen in your lives. Letting someone with such limitations control your life isn’t healthy for them, for you or for your son. It is time to do more of what you want and need to do rather than worrying about what is deemed okay by her. This may mean going out on your own to socialize with friends, inviting a friend over just for you or have you son do this. This is very likely to cause her irritation, but this may be the very thing she needs to grow. Just because she is uncomfortable with change doesn’t mean it is wrong or that she doesn’t need it. Of course the biggest hope would be that the irritation prompts a change in her behavior, perhaps even to seek medicine or therapy. But even if it doesn’t, you won’t be trying to appease her and begin living your own lives with more freedom.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral
How do you define wellness?
Would it look like an illness-free or symptom-free life? Would it mean the ability to maintain a steady job, exercise regularly, or cultivate healthy relationships?
And how will you get there?
Would wellness entail eating certain foods, taking time to rest, doing things you love or all of the above?
Just like any goal, we need to be clear about what success will look like and what steps we need to take to get there.
We’re already at the end of February, how are you doing with your resolutions?
If you need a little boost, the following posts will guide you toward the relationships and emotional wellness you’re dreaming of.
A Surprising, Hidden Cause of Depression
(Childhood Emotional Neglect) – This explains why challenges floor you and how you can pick yourself up even if you’re feeling depressed.
What’s My Attachment Style and Why Does It Matter?
(Happily Imperfect) – Still grappling with your last failed romantic relationship? Here’s what you need to understand.
Cheating Men Are from Mars; Cheating Women from Venus
(Surviving Infidelity) – Why do people cheat? Here’s why it matters if you’re a man or woman.
Symptom of the Day: Excessive Sleep
(Bipolar Laid Bare) – Sleeping too much lately? Here’s why you should be concerned if you’re experiencing excessive sleepiness.
Are You Rejection Sensitive? How to Tell. What to Do.
(Knotted) – It’s why you can’t handle rejection and what you can do about it.
Cross-cultural tests from 16 nations were performed to evaluate the hypothesis that the emotion of pride evolved to guide behavior to elicit valuation and respect from others. Ancestrally, enhanced evaluations would have led to increased assistance and deference from others. To incline choice, the pride system must compute for a potential action an anticipated pride intensity that tracks the magnitude of the approval or respect that the action would generate in the local audience. All tests demonstrated that pride intensities measured in each location closely track the magnitudes of others’ positive evaluations. Moreover, different cultures echo each other both in what causes pride and in what elicits positive evaluations, suggesting that the underlying valuation systems are universal.Abstract
Pride occurs in every known culture, appears early in development, is reliably triggered by achievements and formidability, and causes a characteristic display that is recognized everywhere. Here, we evaluate the theory that pride evolved to guide decisions relevant to pursuing actions that enhance valuation and respect for a person in the minds of others. By hypothesis, pride is a neurocomputational program tailored by selection to orchestrate cognition and behavior in the service of: (i) motivating the cost-effective pursuit of courses of action that would increase others’ valuations and respect of the individual, (ii) motivating the advertisement of acts or characteristics whose recognition by others would lead them to enhance their evaluations of the individual, and (iii) mobilizing the individual to take advantage of the resulting enhanced social landscape. To modulate how much to invest in actions that might lead to enhanced evaluations by others, the pride system must forecast the magnitude of the evaluations the action would evoke in the audience and calibrate its activation proportionally. We tested this prediction in 16 countries across 4 continents (n = 2,085), for 25 acts and traits. As predicted, the pride intensity for a given act or trait closely tracks the valuations of audiences, local (mean r = +0.82) and foreign (mean r = +0.75). This relationship is specific to pride and does not generalize to other positive emotions that coactivate with pride but lack its audience-recalibrating function.
Trollor J, Srasuebkul P, Xu H, & Howlett S. (2017) Cause of death and potentially avoidable deaths in Australian adults with intellectual disability using retrospective linked data. BMJ open, 7(2). PMID: 28179413
There’s a simple story about sex differences in cognition, which traces these back to sex differences in early brain development, which are in turn due to hormone differences. Diagrammatically, it looks something like this:
There is an undeniable sex difference in foetal testosterone in humans at around 6-8 weeks after conception. In Chapter 9 of her book, Fine introduces Simon Baron-Cohen, who seems to claim that this surge in male hormones is the reason why men are more likely to be Autistic, and why no woman had ever won the Fields Medal. So, diagrammatically:
Even here, the route between hormone, brain difference and behaviour is not so simple, as shown by neat experiments with rats by Celia Moore, described by Fine (p.105 in my edition). Moore showed that male rat pups are licked more by their mothers, and that this licking is due to excess testostore in their urine. Mother’s which couldn’t smell, licked male and female pups equally, and female pups injected with testosterone were licked as much as male pups. This licking had an extra developmental effect on the SNB, which could be mimicked by manual brushing of a pup’s perineum. Separate work showed that testosterone doesn’t act directly on the neurons of the SNB, but instead prevents cell death in the SNB by preserving the muscles which it connects to (in males). So, diagrammatically:
What I love about this story is the complexity of developmental causes. Even in the rat, not the human! Even in the subcortex, not the cortex! Even in a brain area which direct controls a penis reflex. Fine’s implicit question for Baron-Cohen seems to be: If evolution creates this level of complexity for something as important for reproductive function, what is likely for the brain areas responsible for something as selectively-irrelevant as winning prizes at Mathematics?
Notice also the variety of interactions, not just the number : hormones -> body, body -> sensation in mother’s brain, brain -> behaviour, mother’s behaviour -> pup’s sensation, sensation -> cell growth. This is a developmental story which happens across hormones, brain, body, behaviour and individuals.
Against this example, sex differences in cognition due to early hormone differences look far from inevitable, and the simple hormone-brain-behaviour looks like a crude summary at best. Whether you take it to mean that sex differences in hormones have multiple routes to generate sex differences in cognition (a ‘small differences add up’ model) or that sex differences in hormones will cancel each other out, may depend on your other assumptions about development. At a minimum, the story of the SNB shows that those assumptions are worth checking.
Previously: gender brain blogging
Paper: Moore, C. L., Dou, H., & Juraska, J. M. (1992). Maternal stimulation affects the number of motor neurons in a sexually dimorphic nucleus of the lumbar spinal cord. Brain research, 572(1), 52-56.
Source for the 2009 claim by Baron-Cohen claim that foetal hormones explain why no woman has won the Fields medal: Autism test ‘could hit maths skills’.
In 2014 Maryam Mirzakhabi won the Fields medal.
Diagrams made with draw.io
Play on.
People with anxiety handle how they grapple with the disorder in different ways.
Some ignore it, others use medication, others seek out talk therapy.
12 Things Only People With Anxiety Can Teach You About Life
I have tried all three of those and found that a combination of the second two are the most helpful.
That said, if you’re a person with an anxiety disorder, you’re not just going to magically one day be healed.
I manage my anxiety well, but I still get panic attacks and I still have anxious days. That just comes with the territory.
That’s why, when I read that researchers have literally created A SONG that has reduced anxiety by 67% in everyone who listened to it, I basically went running for my headphones.
Researchers at MindLab in the UK teamed up with Marconi Union to try and create a song that was designed to soothe and reduce stress.
The musicians teamed up with sound therapists to create music that could lower the heart rate, blood pressure, and actual cortisol (the hormone that causes stress) levels of the people listening to it.
The end result is an 8-minute track called “Weightless” that the neuroscientists in charge of the program say is so effective that you SHOULD NOT listen to it while you drive.
As a person with a generalized anxiety disorder, I know how easy it is to feel isolated, desperate, and afraid.
If a song like this can take away some of that hurt, why not try it?
One thing I’ve discovered as I’ve begun to write more about anxiety and talk more about it on social media is that anxiety is more common than you might think, especially among people in Generation Y.
Why is this anxiety so common among me and my peers?
The answer is actually kind of surprising.
Researcher and writer Rachel Dove reported that more than half of all female university students report feeling anxiety, and in researching why, she found:
“The rise of technology, overly-protective parenting and “exam-factory” schooling are among the reasons psychologists suggest for our generational angst. Another, brought up on multiple occasions by my peers and by psychologists I spoke to, is the luxury (as ungrateful as it sounds) of too much choice.”
It might sound silly, but it makes a lot of sense.
10 Quick Ways To Relax When You’re Freaked Out And STRESSED Out
Life can be a lot easier when you don’t have any choices to make.
Being given a multitude of options can be, well, deeply overwhelming.
Combine that with the pressures of “success”, whatever that means, and the fear of missing out on ANYTHING fun, perpetuated by social media and you’ve got a perfect firestorm for anxiety.
You need to find the treatment that works best for you.
It doesn’t matter if that treatment is a song, a pill, a long walk, or talking to your therapist for an hour or two every week.
Do what you need to do to feel as awesome as possible, because you ARE awesome, and just because your brain goes a little haywire sometimes that doesn’t make you worth less as a person or less cool to know.
This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: The One Song You Need To Hear That Cuts Anxiety By More Than Half.
From the U.S.: I’m writing to ask for your help in understanding what I’m dealing with in terms of my parents (especially my mom). I hope you can help, as things are snowballing. I’m dealing with life issues (largely, career), as people do, and the response I get from my parents is (what I consider) unsupportive, negligent and wholly unresponsive.
I’ve always thought that family would really, genuinely help each other, if help is sought. (It’s what I do, anyway). In my particular instance, I do seek help of my parents. I am crystal clear in expressing my feelings, my thoughts, my problems and my request for help, many times over.
Their response, proven again and again, is to offer sympathy in the moment, but by the next day my problems are forgotten and never spoken of again — until I bring them up, and ask for help again. What really hurts is that I seem to be their last priority, as they focus on other concerns instead.
My parents never inquire as to how I am, or how I’m managing. General conversations are usually about impersonal, practical matters. And when we argue, there is no response or follow-up (unless from me).
Ultimately, my parents give me little to no help. And that I keep expressing myself, and that their effort, support and response is repeatedly minimal is causing greater problems.
This is in contrast to their help of my longtime-delinquent brother, for whom they would jump when he said “jump.”
What am I encountering? How do I deal with this?
(ps. My mom is a quiet, shy person–but not as much with her family as with strangers. My dad, however, is not. They both tend towards introversion.)
A: Not everyone gets the parents they would like to have. At 25, you know who your folks are and how they are likely to respond to you. They are not likely to change, no matter how much you wish it, argue about it, or criticize them for it.
My guess is that, to them, you look like you are doing fine in contrast to your brother. Their emotional energy has been tied up in trying to get him on the right track. They don’t have enough left over to offer you more than their confidence that you will figure things out for yourself. That is a kind of support.
Although this may be difficult and painful for you, it is not unusual. Often the siblings of kids who are chronically physically or mentally ill or who are constantly in trouble feel neglected or like their needs take second place. The child in trouble gets most of the support because that is where most of the support is needed.
I suggest you find a way to be more compassionate toward your folks, especially since they both tend to be introverts. They are dealing with things as best they can. They didn’t ask for a delinquent kid and it’s all they can do to deal with the feelings and practical problems that go with having one.
Instead, love them for who they are and find other adults to turn to for advice and more direct support. There may be someone in the extended family who can both help you understand your parents and offer you the help you seek. If not, start making friends with teachers and the parents of your friends. There are many good-hearted and wise older folks who would be happy to listen to you and to offer you the encouragement and support you want as you move forward in life.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
The researchers studied samples of brain tissue from people with and without Alzheimer's disease.
Dr Jeremy Dean's ebooks are:
The addiction profession workforce is estimated at more than 85,000 individuals that include counselors, educators, and other addiction-focused health care professionals who specialize in addiction prevention, intervention, treatment, recovery support, and education.
Most addiction professionals are employed in the following industries: outpatient care centers; residential mental retardation, mental health and substance abuse facilities; individual and family services; local government; general medical and surgical hospitals; psychiatric and substance abuse hospitals; and private practice. Many other addiction professionals work in prisons, probation or parole agencies, juvenile detention facilities, halfway houses, detox centers and employee assistance programs.
On either end of the political spectrum, people have been called to examine where they stand and what they stand up for. Complacency, closed eyes, minds, and hearts are a luxury we no longer have.
Living on a planet that when beheld from above has no clear dividing lines, boundaries or borders, we humans pretend that they exist and allow them to separate us, and crave what others have. Some are willing to kill and die for property and ethos. What if we adopted a belief that embraced multiple philosophies — an “in addition to, rather than instead of” — and a set of filters through which we run our decisions that ask how it will impact the whole, not just our bubble and the people we allow in it?
Philadelphia-based psychotherapist and attorney Jeff Garson, JD, LCSW endorses the practical philosophy known as Radical Decency. In an article in Tikkun Magazine, Garson explains, “Radical Decency is a comprehensive approach to living. It is not about feeling better — or about treating others more decently — or about saving the world. It is about these things. The reason? We are profoundly creatures of habit and, as a result, each area of living is deeply and irrevocably intertwined with the others.”
And he elaborates, “At its core, Radical Decency grows out of this simple premise: If we whole-heartedly commit to this different way of living, allowing it to guide our day-by-day, moment-by-moment choices, we have a fighter’s chance of leading a better life and more effectively contributing to a better world.”
Defining Decency
According to Dictionary.com: “conformity to the recognized standard of propriety, good taste, or modesty.” Keep in mind that various cultures have different standards and mores. How then, do we determine what is proper?
What Are the Values By Which You Live?
Deanna was raised by parents who modeled love, kindness, generosity, and volunteerism. They had friends from all different social strata, religions and cultural origin. She witnessed their “love in action” philosophy and consciously chose to emulate them, volunteering at their local hospital and a recycling center in the community in her teens. As a young adult, she marched and rallied for the ERA, the environment, as well as human and animal rights. Her career as therapist, clergy, and journalist now have her on the “front lines”, working with those who are impacted by the state of the world. She uses the concepts embraced by Radical Decency to shape her worldview and inform the steps she takes each day.
On the other end of the spectrum, she observes people who live in fear that there won’t be enough for them, so they are determined to grasp their share and then some. Unable to see beyond their limiting beliefs, they seem to be perpetually distressed. She is bewildered at times when she notices people fouling their own nests, leaving emotional and physical messes for others to clean up and taking little responsibility for the consequences of their actions.
Deanna began to explore what Radical Decency meant to her. Social conscience melded with personal need. Although not totally altruistic, she discovered that when she ‘did good,’ she felt good and it spurred her on to offer more of the gifts she had been given to be of service. Peace and social justice became watchwords for her. Each day as she goes out into the world, she asks herself what difference she can make in the lives of her clients, students, family, friends and even ‘strangers’ she meets. It is, as she has discovered, a conscious choice, rather than an incidental experience.
Are You a Positive Change Agent?
There are numerous opportunities to engage in socially conscious acts.
In various cultures, there are greetings that reflect the unity between people. The Mayan tradition uses the words In Lak’ech Ala K’in which translates to “I am another yourself.” A Sanskrit acknowledgment is Namaste which means, “The Divine in me recognizes the Divine in you.” “Mitakuye Oyasin” in the Lakota language speaks of “All my relations.”
There is a story that reflects the idea of Radical Decency. A person dies and is met by St. Peter. She asks the guardian at the gate to show her the difference between heaven and hell. She is first ushered into a room that had a long table filled with the most luscious foods imaginable. The aroma was intoxicating and she found herself salivating wildly. She noticed that the people were moaning in pain; starving amid plenty. She asked how that could happen and St. Peter pointed out that each person had a spoon or fork attached to their arms that were too long to be able to scoop up the food and get it into their mouths.
“This is hell,” said her guide.
“Show me heaven,” she begged.
They walked into the next room where she beheld the same kind of table, food, and utensils. These folks were in a celebratory mood, laughing, smiling and well nourished.
“How could this be?” she queried.
He replied, “Don’t you notice that these people had learned to feed each other across the table?”
Each of us has a place at the table, and we are all responsible for growing and harvesting the food, preparing it, having good table manners and cleaning up afterward. In that way, we can be assured that there is enough for everyone.
My coworker gets mad when I “work” at work. We have shared office space, which houses 5 adjunct instructors, at our university. One of the people in my office gets mad whenever I leave the door locked or take/make phone calls at work.
Last week I had to make 3 different calls to the IT HelpDesk to get software on my computer working correctly so I could make video lectures for my class. The distraction of me talking on the phone bothers her.
Yesterday, I went in when I thought she wouldn’t be there to create the lectures, but she came in & got mad that the door was locked, to keep students from interrupting, as I talked to myself. She and all the other instructors have a key, so they could still access the office. I just had the door shut so I wouldn’t be disturbed by students.
Because I’m an adjunct, I also have outside jobs. Occasionally, I have to take a call on my PERSONAL CELL PHONE for those jobs. She gets mad and says it’s an abuse of state resources to take phone calls for another job while sitting in a University office.
This morning I arranged with my boss to come in early and borrow his webcam because I needed to Skype with a publisher in the EU. To accommodate the time change I came in at 7 AM and left the door locked, so eager beaver students wouldn’t barge in and disturb my SKYPE conference. At 7:30 AM she barged in and started bitching about the door being locked while I was in the middle of my conference. Thankfully, she went to the Dean’s Office to complain so I was able to finish the conference (and managed to land a 3 book contract; Whoo Hoo!) But the vitriol she spewed afterwards was a real downer.
Afterwards I talked to the Dean who said that she gets upset over what she sees as misuse of state resources. I am the Creative Writing Club Advisor and he likes the idea of having published faculty on staff. In the future he said I can use the conference room instead, but I still have to work in the same office with this woman.
How do you recommend I deal with a co-worker who doesn’t like it when I “work” at work?
A. You have stated that your coworker doesn’t like it when you “work at work.” In all fairness, your statement isn’t exactly fair. It seems from your letter, that your coworker is quite happy when you “work at work” as long as your work activities are those that she approves of.
She doesn’t approve of your activities. She believes that you are breaking university rules and policies. She is acting like a watchdog for the well-being of the university. That would seem like a noble idea but it is not her job to do so. She is not your boss nor a paid watchdog of the university. Her job description does not include “supervising other adjunct faculty.” She is clearly engaging in behaviors that are not acceptable. The real problem is that the university administration, who is aware of her behavior, chooses to do nothing about it. They have a problem and they know it and they are just hoping that it will go away or perhaps resolve itself. Perhaps you will quit, and problem solved. Or perhaps she will quit, and problem solved. Either way the problem is solved and no administrator had to expend any effort in resolving the matter.
What she is doing to you is obviously unfair and I am here to state emphatically that her behavior is not within the bounds of normalcy. She should be aware of the fact that she is overstepping the boundaries of adjunct faculty members and the normal boundaries of social interaction. Yet she appears unaware of the inappropriate nature of her behavior. Let’s say that you are guilty of all of things that she has accused you of. How should she react to you? It is within her boundaries to “unfriend you.” It is within her boundaries to report you to the Dean or to her immediate supervisor. It is not within her bounds to take any action towards you, in the smallest of ways. She should not reprimand you or attempt to correct you. You are being supervised. You have a supervisor. It is their job to observe you and critique you and reprimand you when necessary. It is not the job of the adjacent adjunct instructor.
You have already spoken to administration about the problem with your coworker. They have chosen to do nothing. There is nothing more that you can do, unless one of the two of you chooses to buy a gun and kill the other. I would not imagine that you would be the one to buy the gun but I could easily imagine that she might. If you look at workplace shootings and trace the history that led to the shooting, often it is over an incident or a series of incidents, just as trivial as the one you are involved in.
I am in no way suggesting that you have instigated this problem but many people are in traffic accidents and may in fact die, who were not at fault in any way. They were following the speed limit, following all traffic laws, were in the middle of their lane and having done nothing at all wrong, were killed when a drunk or suicidal driver slammed into their car at 80 miles an hour. You don’t want to be an accident victim. If this problem does not improve, if your coworker’s behavior does not return to normalcy, then I would sincerely advise you to quit this particular teaching job.
I’m sorry that this problem has been brought to your doorstep through no fault of your own but it is there nonetheless. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle
“We are never so much disposed to quarrel with others as when we are dissatisfied with ourselves.” – William Hazlitt
To look at why we quarrel it may be instructive to first examine what happens when everything feels great. If you wake up in the morning and eagerly welcome the day, find the positives in life as soon as your feet touch the floor upon getting out of bed, the likelihood that you’ll find yourself prone to picking a fight isn’t very high.
Granted, some unforeseen event could happen — a traffic jam that results in you being late for work, a disagreement over a project, an unexpected bill or bad news — that sours your mood, making you a little more prone to being testy with others. But being able to find the good instead of the bad may outweigh temporary negatives.
On the other hand, when you feel bad about yourself, when you are sad for an extended period, feel like you’ve missed out on life, that you’re destined for failure, that you lack the abilities or intelligence or miss out on lucky opportunities, you might be much more willing to find fault with others – and lash out at them with angry or unkind words.
If one of your goals in life is to maximize your happiness and increase a sense of fulfillment, it might be a good idea to work on those dissatisfied feelings you have about yourself. If you’re unhappy that you don’t know how to do something, one approach might be to take a class or research the subject until you gain more familiarity with it. If what’s troubling you is that you’re always in debt, getting some help to set up a budge or taking on a side job might ease that stress and alleviate the pressure a bit.
Maybe you hate the way you look and would dearly love to feel more positively about yourself. This might be a psychological issue that’s best helped with professional counseling, although trying to get at the root of exactly what the issue is may take some time. In the interim, look at what you really enjoy and do more of that. Be with people you like and spend time outdoors in the sunshine. Eat well-balanced meals and get plenty of sleep. A well-nourished and well-rested body will do wonders for your overall disposition. Quite possibly, such self-care will help you resist the urge to quarrel with others, since you’ll be more pleased with yourself to begin with.
Could it be that you’re in a toxic or unsatisfying relationship and that’s what prompts you to quarrel? When you’re constantly at odds with the person closest to you, you’re more likely to engage in arguments and heated debates. There’s never a clear winner here. Even if you or your partner think you’ve won, you haven’t. The relationship has been diminished and there’s a sour taste left by the disagreement and the behavior associated with quarreling. Most relationships aren’t easily dissolved, however, nor should they be. The key is to find an acceptable middle ground, to agree to disagree, to lay aside hard feelings and find a way to compromise. It may sting to begin with, but the long-term effect that learning to live with each other in mutual respect and love will be well worth the effort.
Here are some other points to keep in mind when you feel you’re about to pick a verbal fight:
Vann SD, & Aggleton JP. (2004) The mammillary bodies: two memory systems in one?. Nature reviews. Neuroscience, 5(1), 35-44. PMID: 14708002
Serdarevic F, Ghassabian A, van Batenburg-Eddes T, White T, Blanken LM, Jaddoe VW, Verhulst FC, & Tiemeier H. (2017) Infant muscle tone and childhood autistic traits: A longitudinal study in the general population. Autism research : official journal of the International Society for Autism Research. PMID: 28181411
Video modeling is an evidence-based practice for children with autism spectrum disorder. (See the module on video modeling from the National Professional Development Center on Autism Spectrum Disorders here.)
Video modeling is using video to model (or show) viewers particular skills, such as communication or social skills. The skills are presented in role-play situations and the specific skills may be discussed, such as learning how to pick up on social cues.
Here are some sample video modeling programs:
Watch this video for more information about video modeling.
Children with autism spectrum disorder may struggle with developing life skills. Here are some strategies and tips on how to help youth with autism develop these important skills.
There are so many various life skills that adolescents should know. Here is a document that presents many more skills that teens should develop.
Here is an example for breaking a task into a task analysis from Talk About Curing Autism:
Breaking Down a Task – Washing Your Hands
References:
Shasta Twenty-First Century Career Connections
Hudson, T. (1983) Correspondences and Numerical Differences between Disjoint Sets. Child Development, 54(1), 84. DOI: 10.2307/1129864
Little often turns to big.
Everyone always says, “It’s no big deal just ignore it.” That strategy is alright some of the time, but not all of the time.
Ignoring mild misbehavior is a legitimate parenting strategy. It shows your little one that their antics won’t get your attention. This means the child will be less likely to repeat it in the future.
Hilarious Parenting Tips From Louis CK & Other Famous Dads
However, not all behavior should be ignored. If it is, it will lead to worse problems down the road.
Keep a look out for these small misbehaviors and take action ASAP. Here are 6 little behavior problems you can’t ignore:
Your child may be really excited and want to tell you an important part about their day. When you allow your child to butt into your conversation, you give your child the message that it’s alright.
This doesn’t teach your child to be considerate of others. This also doesn’t teach your child to occupy their time on their own.
The next time this happens, let your child know you will be busy. Suggest a few toys or games they can play with. If they continue to interrupt you, steer them back in the right direction.
At first, the exaggerations are little. Maybe, your child told you they finished all of their vegetables. When the truth is they hardly touched one. This little white lie isn’t exactly harmful, but they are not facts.
You may think this is no big deal, but eventually, the lying can get worse. Remember, when a child is between the ages of 2-4, they don’t know exactly what the truth is. But, after that, they will begin to understand.
When they tell the truth, give them a lot of praise. Encourage your child to be honest, even if it means they could get into trouble.
We’re all familiar with this one. You may have done this as a kid yourself. It still doesn’t make it alright. You shouldn’t have to repeat yourself three or four times to have your child pick up their toys or get in the car.
Remember, you are training your child. If this starts young, it will only get worse down the road. Tuning you out is a power play on the child’s part.
The next time you ask your child to do something, walk over to where they are and look at them. Make sure they respond, with, “Okay, Mommy.” If they are watching T.V., it’s alright to turn it off. This is also a time where you can start to take away privileges.
For example, instead of one hour of T.V., they will only be able to watch a half hour.
The #1 Easy Way To Help Your Child’s Confidence SOAR!
You know you have to step in when your son punches his younger brother. But, you also don’t want to ignore the more subtle aggressive acts, like shoving his younger brother or ignoring him. You need to get a grip on this early, or it will get out of control by age 8. It also sends a message that hurting people is alright.
Confront aggressive behavior immediately. Pull your son aside and let him know this is not alright. He could really hurt someone. If the behavior continues, don’t allow him to play with his younger brother until he stops.
I know it’s convenient when your child can get themselves a snack and turn on the T.V., without your help. It may even be cute when your 2-year-old grabs a cookie off the counter without asking. But, just wait until they are 8 and at a friend’s house, and they grab a treat without asking.
It’s important to establish some house rules. Can your child have sweets without asking? Do you need to ask to turn on the T.V.? Make sure your child knows what the rules are, this will help them follow the rules.
You may think attitude starts as a pre-teen, but it actually starts much earlier. Pre-schoolers will mimic their parents’ behavior to see what type of a reaction they get.
Parents may ignore it because they think it’s a phase. If you ignore the attitude, it will get much worse down the road. You will have a third grader with an attitude problem, that you may feel like you can’t control.
You need to make your child aware of their behavior and that it’s not alright. Let your child know that you know they are rolling their eyes. The idea here is to let your child feel bad about their behavior. Let your child know that you will listen to them when they are ready to talk nicely to you.
If you’ve already done this, then great. If not, that’s alright it’s never too late to start. Remember, all parents go through highs and lows. If you stick with it, down the road it will pay off.
This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 6 Little Behavior Problems Parents Should Never, EVER Ignore.
I am going to couples therapy and individual therapy. There are things that I am talking about in individual therapy in which I am not comfortable talking about in couples therapy. My fear and my question is since my therapists know each other would my issues come up in their conversation to each other? Is that possible for my issues to come out unexpectedly during conversation? I know is not legal, but has it happened before? I can’t shake the feeling that my couple therapist is finding out things on some level. Some of the things that are coming out of my couple therapist’s mouth are very closely related to what I talk about to my therapist in previous sessions. Or is there a forum that therapist update with their patients’ info that only other therapist can read?
A: I am very glad you wrote about this issue. The most direct way to deal with this is to let your therapist know exactly what you are feeling and you have some concerns. Explain that because the nature of what you talk about with him / her is not meant for couple’s therapy and that you worry because they (the therapists) have a connection. Be clear that you do not give permission for this and that you are concerned.
In the long run, you want to be able to speak to your therapist to clear the air, get their feedback, or find out that you may need to change therapists. But in any case, letting the therapist know how important your relationship with them is, and the need for privacy — will be most important.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral
