When You Feel Lost

Lately, you’ve been feeling lost. A loved one passed away. Your relationship ended. You were overlooked for a promotion. You failed an important exam. An opportunity fell through. Your life is taking a direction you didn’t think it would.

You are dumbfounded. You feel numb. You feel helpless, maybe even hopeless. Everything has a gray hue.

Or you aren’t sure why you feel lost. But you do. You feel utterly aimless, like you’re floating from random task to random task.

“Feeling lost feels a lot like depression*,” said Carolyn Ferreira, Psy.D, a psychologist in Bend, Ore., who helps people rebuild relationships and recover from trauma and addictions. You might feel unmotivated and disinterested in your hobbies, she said. You might feel “like life is meaningless.”

You also might feel like you’ve lost sight of the person you want to be, said Danielle Kepler, LCPC, a clinical therapist based in Chicago, Ill., specializing in adults who are struggling with anxiety, depression, and life transitions as well as couples with relationship issues.

You might no longer recognize yourself.

It also can feel like you’ve always felt this lost, and you always will, Kepler said. “You might struggle to remember a time when you felt like your ‘old self.’” You may “see no way out of it.”

Thankfully, there is a way out. There are many ways. Consider giving the below a try.

Acknowledge and accept how you’re feeling. Denying our emotions usually just leads to self-destructive behavior. “When a person acknowledges their feeling of being lost emotionally, they can then attend to it,” said Colleen Mullen, PsyD, LMFT, a psychotherapist and founder of the Coaching Through Chaos private practice and podcast in San Diego.

Remind yourself that it’s OK to feel sad and disappointed and helpless, she said. “These are natural consequences when our life path changes abruptly in a direction we did not want.”

It also can help to write about your feelings. Write about how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling this way. Describe your physical sensations. Document your thoughts. Get it all out on paper.

Take compassionate care of yourself. After you’ve acknowledged how you’re feeling, Mullen suggested soothing yourself with practices such as deep breathing, meditation and yoga.

Also, be kind to yourself. For instance, when thoughts like “Oh, I can’t believe this is happening,” or “I don’t know why I am even trying” arise, you might tell yourself, “I can handle this,” or “If I’m overwhelmed, I can take a break,” she said.

“Remind yourself that although you may feel your circumstances are out of your control, you can still control how you react to them.”

Keep engaging in activities that make you feel good. “Any movement you make when you feel lost will feel like progress,” Ferreira said. For instance, you might keep your nourishing bedtime routine, and your weekly lunch with your best friend (because you always feel better after talking to them).

Reflect on your values. What matters to you? What’s important? Ferreira suggested working through a values worksheet (which you can find online). “Pick one or two values that resonate with you and do something that is in line with that.” She shared this example: One of your values is justice, so you start volunteering at a local non-profit.

Kepler suggests clients think of someone they greatly admire. This might be a mentor, colleague or friend. She asks them to identify the specific qualities they admire. For instance, maybe you admire your colleague’s friendliness and kindness and ability to assert themselves, she said. “These are often values that the client themselves feel are important; it’s just somewhat easier to identify them in other people than themselves.”

Attend inspirational events. You might see a motivational speaker, attend a guest lecture at a university or check out a business networking event, Ferreira said. “Attending an inspirational event can help you remember what you’re passionate about.” It also can help you connect to like-minded people, she said. And “sometimes just the energy in the room from such an event can be enough to get a person going again.”

Seek out helpful resources. Consider working with a therapist, or joining a support group that focuses on what you’re struggling with, Mullen said. She also suggested researching whatever issue you’re trying to navigate. For instance, if you’re struggling with grief, look for memoirs and self-help books on the subject.

Even though it might be painful and frustrating and exasperating, feeling lost can become an opportunity to grow. “Feeling lost can redirect us toward what really matters to us,” Ferreira said. It can inspire us to take a trip and savor new experiences. It can inspire us to take a different job, which starts to fulfill us. It can inspire us to join a support group where we find our tribe.

Feeling lost can be the first step in creating a more fulfilling life. It can be the first step in reconnecting to ourselves. Give yourself the space and resources to find what you need.

* How can you tell the difference between feeling lost and having depression? According to Ferreira, you might have depression if you don’t have an appetite, don’t care about eating, or are eating too much or are sleeping too much or not at all. “If feeling lost turns into feeling it would be better if you weren’t here, then it’s time to seek professional help,” she said.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2wuQ1dw
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Book Review: 201 Positive Psychology Applications

“You just need to be more positive and look on the bright side.”

Unfortunately, anyone who has ever experienced depression has probably received this misguided advice of recovery through positive-thinking. As a result, the title of the book 201 Positive Psychology Applications may dissuade people who assume that it’s just another overly simplistic guide to “think happy thoughts” and things will get better.

Fortunately, that’s not what positive psychology is about, and is not what Fredrike Bannink is preaching in 201 Positive Psychology Applications, either. Instead, Bannink’s approach, which is based on Martin Seligman’s teaching, is about our overall well-being.

“Positive psychology does not have to be constructed from the ground up. It merely involves a change of focus from repairing what is worst in life to creating what is best,” Seligman is quoted at the beginning of the book.

While there are practical actions people can take to achieve a sense of wellbeing, Bannink’s book is by no means about adopting a positive attitude to find well-being overnight. Rather it offers small doable steps to experience improvement in wellbeing over time.

“Positive psychology focuses on strengthening capabilities to lead a pleasant, good, and meaningful life, with positive relationships and accomplishments,” writes Bannink.

The positive part comes from looking at what is right with people rather than what is wrong with them. Although there is certainly a place for examining what is wrong in our lives, such as negative behaviors or personal weaknesses, the emphasis in positive psychology is on what is going right.

The essential elements of this approach, which are taught by Seligman and covered in Bannink’s book, are positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning and accomplishment. Not all individuals are going to need the same thing in each of these elements; it’s very likely that some people will need guidance in a specific area more so than another. The goal is not for every reader to utilize every single application, but with 201 to choose from, Bannink’s guide should be a good place to start.

As a therapist, I’ve had multiple clients who comes to my office using the words “fix me,” with the assumption that there is something wrong with them and I have the magical cure to make everything right in a 50-minute session. What I like about the positive psychology approach is that it builds on what is already going well and gives power and hope back to the client. People who believe in themselves and their abilities have a confidence that things can change.

Importantly, this perspective does not throw traditional psychotherapy out the window; there is still a place for that intense work. But even in those cases, it’s nice to end a session building on something positive, whether it’s inviting clients to count their blessings at the end of the day, or asking them to think of solutions and present two options before the counselor provides any input.

This book is an especially helpful toolbox addition for people who suffer from depression. As we all know, people who are depressed tend to have negative thinking patterns which is commonly addressed through cognitive behavioral therapy. Offering simple, non-threatening ways to help people look ahead at what they can change rather than dwelling on the negative things may be a more hopeful approach.

Each of the five elements are based on the assumption that fulfillment in these areas will contribute to well-being overall. It is not necessary to work through the entire book because each element can be addressed independently of the other elements; they do not need to be read in order to built on each other.

Although we all have weaknesses and limitations, including some that may very much need to be addressed, this book does not dwell on those things and instead operates in a more positive framework of what is working well. Changing the focus gives clients and therapists a sense of hope by highlighting things that are already going well while in the process of changing for the better.

Well-being is about more than just putting on a happy face. They are about achieving a sense of contentment in all areas of life, while recognizing there will still be down times.

201 Positive Psychology Applications: Promoting Well-Being in Individuals and Communities
Fredrike Bannink
W. Norton & Company, 2017
Paperback, 303 pages
$16.95

from Psych Central http://ift.tt/2gt4mhf
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Using Tarot in Psychotherapy

For decades, the psychology field has employed tests that utilize ambiguous visual images to reveal underlying, unconscious or difficult to communicate needs, beliefs and response patterns in patients.

The Rorschach Test, a set of ink blot images, for example, was originally developed to assess patients for schizophrenia but is more commonly used to explore individuals’ perceptions and psychological processes. The Thematic Apperception Test, more popularly known as the picture interpretation technique, includes a set of also ambiguous and evocative images depicting a range of human scenarios and asks that test takers tell stories about what’s being portrayed in the illustration.

Both tests are designed to explore personality dynamics in the patient and better understand their motivations, beliefs and inner conflicts.

Just like the Rorschach and Thematic Apperception tests, a set of classic tarot cards portrays ambiguous images of humans in a wide range of situations. Though tarot cards do not function in quite the same ways as projective testing methods, when the cards are used correctly, they can help to better understand the patients, and to help them to better understand themselves.

Below are just a few of the ways tarot cards can be a useful tool in psychotherapy sessions.

1.Tarot cards can provide fresh perspective to a stuck situation.

We all have blind spots. And sometimes, despite our best efforts, we simply do not and cannot see the full spectrum of possibilities available to us in any given situation and this goes for the work we do with clients as well.

Because tarot cards function solely through random selection and synchronicity, they have the potential to touch on our blind spots in a way that few other tools can. Even without interpretation on the part of the clinician, a single image (or a pair or cluster) can provide a client with a brand new way of seeing a situation.

2. Tarot cards harness the power of metaphor.

Metaphors are widely used as a clinical tool because of their ability to make the many facets of the human experience concrete and comprehensible. Tarot cards contain vast imagery and are  chock full of metaphorical content that can help patients understand their experience and circumstances in new light.

In fact, research has shown that when used in therapy, metaphors were especially effective when clients were asked to participate in developing and describing them in relation with their circumstances. The illustrations on each tarot card are ideal prompts for clients to develop their own metaphors for their experience, with or without the guidance of the therapist.

3. Using tarot cards in sessions is empowering to the client.

In traditional tarot readings, a reader will shuffle the cards and draw cards for the client before interpreting and exploring the meanings of the cards. In a psychotherapy session, it tends to look a bit different.

Patients can be prompted to use the cards in a number of ways, from choosing cards at random to laying all the cards out face up and selecting images that are the most personally resonant and then describing what the images mean to them. Unlike traditional models that emphasize therapist facilitation, when clients use the cards themselves, they often experience feelings of empowerment and may even become more invested in the process.

4. Tarot cards are a unique way to tap experience that is otherwise difficult to verbalize.

Talking about inner experience does not come naturally to many. Whether it’s because people are so fused with their thoughts and feelings that they cannot describe them objectively or because the weight of shame or fear of judgment holds them back from expressing the truth about their experience, inability or unwillingness to talk about inner turmoil can thwart or undermine to the therapeutic process.

An evocative image on a tarot card offers a way for people to talk about an otherwise difficult to express inner experience in an objective way, if that feels safer or more comfortable for them.

5. Tarot cards are neutral–philosophically, therapeutically and spiritually and easily adaptable to work within any therapeutic framework.  

The symbols and themes depicted in tarot cards represent universal human experiences, which include thought processes, personality types, cognitive styles both maladaptive and healthy and more. Contrary to popular belief that tarot cards are representative of a particular spiritual or psychological school of thought, they are in fact, inherently neutral.

Because of this neutrality, the cards are wide open to one’s own unique interpretation and are available as tools for psychotherapy clients to extract meanings that are aligned with their own unique world views, spiritual or religious perspectives and beliefs.

Ultimately, tarot cards can provide an avenue for challenging psychological material to come forth in a way that feels safe for the clients, provided that they have “opted in” and agreed to the use of tarot cards in their psychotherapeutic work. But the cards should be used sparingly in sessions. Research in the field of tarot in psychotherapy is sparse and it is not a substitute for a solid treatment foundation of empirically-supported approaches.

 

 

 

 

 

from Psych Central Professional http://ift.tt/2xGtFnM
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Driving Your Own Bus

“I am not going to Cancun,” I barked — defiance lining my voice.  

Eyebrows arched, my saintly mother glowed at me. “What do you mean you aren’t going to Cancun? You are not spending the week at home; you can spend the weekend in Duluth with your grandfather,” she coolly responded.

“Fine, I’ll go see Grandpa Arnold,” I smirked before stomping off in a pique of high school frustration.

The average March temperature in Cancun is 82 degrees; the average March temperature in Duluth is 34 degrees. Furthermore, I would be taking the inimitable Greyhound to the Iron Range. Cancun, on the other hand, promised tropical beaches and drinks. And for this irrepressible teenager, it promised sultry Spring Break nights.

Irrelevant — even to this hormone-crazed teenager. I was proving a point. Come hell or (Caribbean) high water.  

“Pack warmly,” my mother laughed as she and the rest of my family shook their heads in collective disbelief. Upholding my promise (at least to myself), I would spend the next eight hours on the gurgling Greyhound. Cancun would soon emerge as the newest curse word in my vocabulary.

From Spring Break trips to university grades (yes, I have debated professors — as in multiple — over semester grades) to endless Monopoly games, I am proudly stubborn. Strong-willed, I euphemistically counter, when pressed on my obstinacy.

“I can’t wait until you have a little Matthew,” my late mother would always chortle. The implication: little Matthew would be as headstrong as big Matthew. My priceless response, “We should all be so lucky.”

While my mother chuckled at my strong-willed nature, other parents (cough, cough Dad) demanded dutiful obedience. Or else.  

The open question: Should you embrace your child’s inner rebel or neuter his strong-willed personality?

The answer: embrace the volcanic meltdowns, passionate political discussions, and “I am not going to Cancun” declarations (thank you, Mom!). While my mother surely eye-rolled at my latest dinnertime disagreement, the strong(-willed) survive and, in most cases, prosper.

Therapists confirm that “strong-willed kids are more willing to do what’s right, rather than what their friends are doing.” Assuming parents connect with their strong-willed spawn, these kids “make motivated leaders who will do the right thing even if they have to do it solo.”  

As for all those draining battles with your strong-minded child, well, they presage a persistence that will pay off — literally. Rule-breaking kids are more likely to command higher salaries than their straight and narrow peers. From standing up for their own financial interests to employing greater persuasive skills, research has found rule-breaking is the best non-cognitive predictor of high income as an adult.

“You are too damn stubborn. Mind me,” my father would shriek. As his brow furrowed, face reddened, and neck vein bulged, I would ignore the latest demand with a smirking nonchalance.

Yes, I am stubborn. Proudly so. And that attribute — the willingness to stick up for myself — has helped charter life’s turbulent waters.

Even when those waters are, let’s say, frigid Lake Superior — and not the balmy Caribbean seas.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2vBfl2D
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Relaxation: The Anti-Narcissistic Medication

After being married to a narcissistic wife for over 10 years, Ben had enough. His whole body started to reject his spouse’s self-centeredness by plaguing him with intense pain and repeated anxiety attacks that he could no longer ignore. He went to doctor after doctor for a quick fix, but after dozens of tests and hundreds of dollars in medical bills, his doctor concluded that the pain and anxiety was psychosomatic.

This, of course, infuriated him even more. He spent years learning how to effectively cater to his narcissistic wife so the anger rants could be minimized. He worked-out, ate right, tried to get adequate sleep, and maintained a simple job that reduced his overall stress. Still, his back was in constant pain and his anxiety attacks worsened, especially at home. Finally, he reluctantly decided to go to counseling.

Ben was suffering from a type of post-traumatic stress due to repeated abuse that he received from dealing with his narcissistic spouse. In order to cope, Ben had stopped consciously listening to what his wife said; however his subconscious continued to absorb the verbal and mental assaults. She would say to him, “You are so stupid, I can’t believe I married such as dummy,” “I’m only letting you go out for a few hours without me because you can’t be trusted,” and “You aren’t remembering that right, I have the perfect memory.”

Once he started to realize what she was actually saying about him, his anxiety and now anger intensified. The solution to his stress was to relax. Here is what he learned.

• Take a chapter out of work. Most full-time jobs have built in benefits of at least 2 weeks per year of vacation, days off for national holidays, and PTO (paid time off) to be utilized as needed. The intensity of being married to a narcissist is similar to a having another full-time job as the narcissist tends to dump on their spouse anything they don’t want to handle. Frequently, the spouse neglects themselves for the sake of the narcissist by justifying that the reduced anger is worth the extra effort. Unfortunately, life doesn’t work this way as most spouses only wind up exhausted in the end.
• Take 2 weeks off. The idea of going on a vacation without his wife was so foreign to Ben at first. He was even fearful of suggesting the idea to her because of the backlash. But by breaking down the 2 weeks into several extended weekends and using his work travel as an excuse, Ben was able to get a much needed break from his narcissistic spouse. This time away was essential for Ben to remember his own wants, desires, dreams, and perception. Narcissists have a way of convincing their spouses that their perception of reality is the only way to think, but it is often a distorted perception that needs correction, not conformity.
• Take a daily break. Even full-time jobs recommend several breaks during the day to rejuvenate, eat, and use the restroom, knowing that this actually increases productivity. But once Ben arrived at home, he was off and running with no stopping till bedtime, thanks to his wife. Keeping work in mind, Ben began to add just a few 15 minute breaks into his nighttime routine. He found several safe places in his house to “hide” (as his narcissistic wife would say) that gave him a chance to catch his breath and think about what he was doing. One of the typical abuse tactics of narcissism is to generate confusion so that the only voice others hear is the narcissist’s. This break technique was extremely beneficial for Ben.
• Take-out friends. The last part of Ben’s transformation was to spend a couple nights out a month with friends. He began to see that even at work, there are built in days off during the week to rest. Since relaxing at home was difficult, he found solace in spending time with a few buddies who understood his predicament. This support was the final piece in restoring his physical and mental health.

Relaxation can take on many forms but when living with a narcissist, it is an essential element to survival. Without it, the stress builds up into huge piles that are difficult to remove.

from Psych Central Professional http://ift.tt/2gt0hK6
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Should I Tell My Therapist?

I had a highly traumatic childhood of emotional abuse, smothering, and neglect at the hands of a substance-abusing parent. I was also molested through my diaper by older children as a toddler. I believe these led to the development of my severe, chronic dissociate disorder and OCD. I say all this for context, not as an excuse. As a kid, I had horrible violent and sexually deviant intrusive thoughts as well as PGAD in conjunction with them. I hated them and wanted nothing to do with them and tried to suppress them, but was convinced I was evil. Therapy has helped me realize they weren’t my fault back then. However, as a teen, I decided those thoughts were inevitable and began to let awful scenarios play out in my head instead of rejecting them and masturbated to some of them. I found online communities of people who shared these thoughts but considered them harmless “kinks” when explored only through fiction. I never intended to act on any of them and considered them divorced from my true opinions, but now I see they were still affecting me and I want nothing to do with them. I don’t believe an immoral fantasy can be harmless anymore. I became hyper-sexual and a chronic masturbator. My twin cousins who are 7 years younger than me slept in my room when they visited my house. I was around 15-17. When I knew they had fallen asleep, I silently masturbated. It happened a couple times. I think they were asleep and I don’t think they knew, but it haunts me everyday and the remorse and self-disgust I feel is indescribable. It had nothing to do with their presence, I just wanted to orgasm, but it was SO irresponsible of me no matter how careful I was. In the only other instance of this, I once compulsively touched myself through my pants in an upstairs room of their house, only for a sec, planning to stop before anyone entered. One of them walked in unexpectedly and I was mortified, but pretended I just had an itch, apologized, and went to wash my hands. I don’t know if I can tell my therapist, but it’s eating me alive. I don’t know if these instances count legally as indecency to a minor. If so, I’m ready to turn myself in. I want to kill myself.

A. You grew up in an unstable and abusive household. The people who were supposed to protect you, hurt you. The failed you when you were at your most vulnerable. Children are helpless and must rely on their parents to protect them, but not all parents are capable, good or caring. Some were raised by bad parents and some of these will go on to mimic what was done to them. A small minority of parents deliberately hurt their children. Intentional or not, the effects of poor parenting can be lasting. But thankfully, they are correctable.

As an adult, it is your responsibility to correct the damage inflicted by your parents and this is best achieved with counseling. Many people are in therapy because of bad parenting.

It is good that you have already made progress in therapy. The next step is to tackle this issue. Your biggest challenge, however, might be your mindset of shame. It is important to realize that you are not a criminal. Your counselor will not judge you or turn you into the authorities. You have done nothing illegal.

It took courage to write this letter and it will take courage to address your sexuality in counseling but it is the essential next step. It might also help if you read about child abuse and neglect. You’ll learn about its effects on children and more importantly about the ability to heal. With good counseling and a willingness to address painful topics, your prognosis is positive.

You might also discuss, with your therapist, the possibility of consulting a sex therapist. Sexuality is a complicated and poorly understood topic and you could benefit from a specialist in this field. You and your therapist should discuss the best approach for you.

You have already experienced progress in counseling. It is proof that counseling works. It can work for this issue too. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

from Ask the Therapist http://ift.tt/2wtj94Y
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

This Lively Pursuit Keeps Your Brain Young

Slows and can even reverse age-related physical and mental decline.

• Try one of PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do (NEW)
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything

from PsyBlog http://ift.tt/2iR5u2T
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Is There a Stigma Against Open Discussions about Mental Illness Online?

While more people are becoming sympathetic toward those who struggle with mental illness, there is still push back against “over-sharing” about personal experiences online.

Attitude Toward the Mentally Ill

About 1 in 5 U.S. adults experience mental illness a year; and with rising healthcare costs, fewer of those people can seek treatment. So when professional treatment becomes unavailable, these people (especially young people) turn to online forums to find help.

Yet misplaced feelings of shame may silence some. Others who want to share their experiences with mental illness and find healing in sharing are being stigmatized. It doesn’t help that standard attitudes toward the mentally ill (both online and off) generally fall into these categories:

• “You need to get over it” – Like mental illness is a cold being complained about, many people consider mental illness just an excuse sufferers are using to get sympathy. There is little to no sympathy expressed by these people and generally become irritated or angry with those who are dealing with mental illness.

• “Have you tried being happy?” – Those with this attitude have at least some sympathy for those with mental illnesses, but run out of patience quickly if the person doesn’t “perk up” soon. Yet, more teens and millennials suffer from depression than any other age group.

• “You’re just looking for attention” – Possibly one of the most offensive, these people do not care about those struggling with mental illness. They also tend to invalidate the idea that mental illness is a real problem.

With only 57% of adults believing they are caring and sympathetic towards those who struggle with mental illness, that leaves 43% who are not. Add to this fact that people are less likely to take someone seriously in an online setting since there it is hard to verify the truth, and you have a recipe for disaster.

The Struggling Younger Generation

As millennials and teens turn more to social media and other online sources for validation and connectivity, they will find new forms of healing through these online interactions.

Celebrities like Demi Lovato have endorsed this behavior, such as with her “Be Vocal: Speak Up For Mental Health” campaign. Yet it has lead to a new conundrum…

There is a misconceived attitude that those who share their stories about mental health issues are just trying to be trendy.

There is also a massive amount of risk for online interactions (trolling, bullying) with damaging effects. This consideration silences some who would like to share their stories and may delay their healing.

What Can Be Done

Helping those who are struggling with mental illness to reach out can be incredibly hard, and if online avenues become closed to them, it will become even harder. However, there are things we can do to help make people feel safe and able to share their experiences.

• Reach out – As opposed to supporting someone in person, it actually doesn’t take much for you to reach out to someone online who took the time to share their personal struggle with mental illness. A quick comment thanking them for sharing their story can count for a lot.
• Resist doubt – It may be hard to resist questioning someone on their experiences or asking why they didn’t do something different. But that’s not what the sharing is about; even if it doesn’t make sense to you, it doesn’t have to.
• Stay positive – When it comes to online commenting, it is best to listen to Thumper: “If you ain’t got nothin’ nice to say, don’t say nothin’ at all.”

For those who want to share about their struggles with mental health, there are some excellent places where you can share your story.

• National Alliance on Mental Health
• Write To Recovery
• Depression And Bipolar Support Alliance

As we learn to listen to others share what mental illness is really is like, we can keep chipping away at the overall stigma against those who are struggling.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2x0CnR4
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Topics You Must Regularly Discuss as a Couple

We know that communication is key in a relationship. After all, we aren’t mind readers. If we don’t talk about important topics, we don’t know where we stand. We don’t know where we’re headed. We don’t know what’s inside our partner’s heart.

Having meaningful conversations deepens our relationship — and keeps it healthy. By the time most couples arrive at Rebecca Wong’s office, they’ve stopped talking. They don’t share their thoughts or feelings. They don’t feel safe and comfortable doing so. They’ve already constructed tall walls.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Below Wong and other relationship experts share must-discuss topics to help you cultivate your connection and enhance your relationship — along with tips on how.

Needs and Roles

“Being in a modern intimate relationship often means couples find themselves holding many roles,” said Wong, LCSW-R, creator of Connectfulness and host of the Practice Of Being Seen podcast. And these roles are critical to discuss. For instance, partners can start to feel resentful about a role they’re taking on. If swept under the rug, resentment can easily chip away at the relationship. You might discuss everything from who takes on which household chores to who’s the primary caregiver.

Similarly, it’s vital to talk about each other’s needs. These questions can help you get started, according to Wong: “Is there something you need more of from your partner? Do you need more time for yourself? Do you need more time together?”

Sex and Intimacy

Talk about your intimate wants, needs and limits. Initially this might feel awkward and even intimidating, but the more frequently you discuss this, “the more comfortable and fun it’ll be. Yes, it can be fun!” said Lily Zehner, EdD, MFT-C, a Denver-based therapist who specializes in sex, intimacy and relationships. Wong suggested exploring this question: “Could your sexual intimacy become fuller if you explored…?”

When talking about sex, the key is to be gentle, marriage researcher John Gottman, Ph.D, and Nan Silver write in The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. It’s important to adopt the attitude that “you are making a very good thing even better. Even if you aren’t satisfied with your current sex life, you need to accentuate the positive.” Here’s one example from the book: Instead of saying, “Don’t touch me there,” say, “It feels extra good when you touch me here.”

Money

Money is an especially tough topic because it encompasses so many different elements. “Money represents love, security, the future, gifts, housing, equality or inequality, and power among other things,” said Dean Parker, Ph.D, a psychologist in Dix Hills, NY, who specializes in relationship counseling and sex therapy. For instance, he said, you might discuss: who’s paying the bills; your saving philosophies; buying pricey things; making investments; and making deposits and withdrawals from your bank account.

Speaking of which, Parker stressed the importance of married couples having a joint account. “I believe that when couples marry they are committing to one another on every level including financially… Having a joint account ensures openness about money and a sense of security about the future.”

When married couples have separate accounts, they pay attention to which partner is paying for what—as in one spouse pays the mortgage; the other pays the car insurance, he said. “The sense of couplehood is lost.”

Your Dreams

We are ever-evolving, Zehner said. “Part of your evolution is your dreams, what you strive to accomplish, who you want to be. These are important parts of you that deserve to be shared often.” When you discuss your personal dreams, your partner can cheer you on and serve as a sounding board, Zehner said.

It’s also critical to have shared dreams. According to Wong, “Growth and passion are fueled by your collective dreams and desires, and you may stagnate if you don’t explore them together.” She suggested exploring the question: “What are we interested in achieving together?” For instance, this might be raising a family, buying a house, moving to a different city, traveling to Europe or starting a business together.

Insecurities

Each of us holds stories that predate our relationships, Wong said. These might be “old stories about loss or abandonment that get replayed in your current relationship in the form of your version of the internal ‘I’m not good enough’ sort of dialogue.” When we ignore these stories, and don’t explore them, they may overwhelm our partners and push them away—particularly when what we really need is comfort, she said. Talk to each other about your fears and worries and the situations that might trigger old stories to start spinning.

How to Communicate

The biggest problem that couples have in communication, Parker said, is time—or lack thereof. In fact, research from John Gottman found that couples had a face-to-face conversation for just 35 minutes. Per week. Which is why Parker asks couples to carve out 10 minutes a day to communicate about the above topics.

Zehner also encourages clients to have regular check-ins: Partners sit across from each other, looking into each other’s eyes, and ask, “How are you?” “How are we?” During your check-in, make sure to minimize distractions and leave devices in another room. If you have kids, wait until they’re asleep. The key is to give each other your undivided attention, Zehner said.

A check-in “allows for space to examine what is working and what is not, where adjustment is needed and where you two are jiving really well; to acknowledge all the goodness while also addressing issues as they arise before they grow into bigger resentments.”

Wong underscored the importance of setting some ground rules for vulnerable discussions. This way both partners feel safe sharing. She frequently shares Terry Real’s 10 Commandments of Time Outs with couples she works with.

Parker also noted that “the most important element in communication is listening.” While your partner is talking, make sure you’re actively listening, validating and reflecting back what they’re saying, he said.

Communication is a powerful way we sustain and grow our connection. It’s vital that we share our thoughts and feelings, and it’s vital that each partner provides a safe, sincere, compassionate environment so this can actually be done.

from Psych Central http://ift.tt/2iReVzd
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

My Parents Always Defend My Older Sister Even When She’s in the Wrong

I’m 22 and my sister is 25. Growing up my sister has always resented me, she’s bullied me throughout my life, even publicly shaming me on Facebook and Twitter regularly. She talks down to me in every conversation and makes nasty digs any chance she gets and doesn’t hold back in front of my parents.

I’ve spoken to my parent’s multiple times about how she makes me feel as I’m usually reduced to tears because of it but it’s like talking to a brick wall. When I try and stick up for myself I’m the one who gets in trouble and told to shut up, even told to leave the family home, while she gets away with everything and smugly plays the victim.

After my mum is constantly guilt tripping me into being the ‘bigger person’ and draw a line under things and to bite my tongue when she says her derogatory comments, (e.g. calling me anorexic if I can’t finish a big dinner.) but says nothing to my sister about her comments and digs.

This is the second time that my parents have fully exploded at me and told me to leave my home because I have stuck up for myself and brought up how badly she still treats me, but once again they have sided with her telling me that I’m the cause of it all and they are now ignoring me and purposely won’t sit in the same room as me because of it. This is even after SHE has shouted in my face and pushed me against a wall in front of them, just because I said to my mum that she hadn’t even apologized to me.

My parents have let her say all these things to me, and even though they can see that I’m getting physically upset and hurt by what she says, they just don’t seem to care as they just let it continue, showing her that her behavior is acceptable and reinforcing her confidence as she knows that I’m not allowed to say anything.

They also tell me that she hasn’t done anything to me and that it’s all in my head even though they know it’s been going on for years. They are in denial about who she really is and they seem to be choosing to blame me rather accept the fact that she’s just a nasty person. (From the USA)

A:  It is time to go. When you parents and sister treat you so poorly it is time for you to leave the nest and find people who can honor your needs, support your growth, and not emotionally abuse you.

Take the invitation to leave as a clear message that what you need and want in a family isn’t possible at home. If you feel you have exhausted your effort at trying to be heard and acknowledged, then making plans to have a more independent life is the right way to go. Don’t stay with those who have continually invited you to leave.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

from Ask the Therapist http://ift.tt/2iRlwJR
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Psychology Around the Net: September 2, 2017

Happy Saturday, sweet readers!

If you’re here in America, I hope you’re taking advantage of the three-day holiday weekend — unless, of course, you or a loved one has been hit by tragedy Hurricane Harvey has caused. I’ve seen so many donation requests over the past few days — everything from money to basic items you wouldn’t even think of (at least I didn’t) like diapers — and it makes me proud to know that even in this country’s turbulent times, we’re still here for each other.

Still, no amount of donations can help the psychological impact such devastation causes some people and Dr. Asim Shah of the Baylor College of Medicine points out the warning signs victims aren’t coping well and suggests when and how to address them.

Now, let’s take a minute to catch up on the latest mental health news.

How Princess Diana Changed Lives by Discussing Her Mental Health: This week marked the 20th anniversary of the death of the People’s Princess, and while many of us know all about how hard she worked to help others with various charities related to HIV and AIDS, working with a fund to helpe prisoners’ families who are stigmatized by their family members’ crimes, palliative care, and more. However, we might not realize her candid interviews about her struggles with eating disorders, self-injury, and feelings of worthlessness might have helped thousands or more people seek help because Diana shared her stories.

Can 10 Minutes of Meditation Make You More Creative? Simple answer? Yes. Here are 10 ways to use 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation to get your mojo back when you’re in a rut.

Logic’s Performance at 2017 MTV Video Music Awards Spikes Calls to Suicide Prevention Hotline: Back in April, Logic released a new song called “1-800-273-8255.” For those of you who don’t know, that’s the number for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and has received rave reviews. After his performance at the 2017 MTV Music Awards, the Lifeline saw a 50% increase in calls and the Lifeline’s director, John Draper, praises the song not only because it encourages people who need help to call but also because it helps increase awareness.

Are Women More Emotionally Expressive Than Men? Even though women do tend to smile more than men and sometimes exaggerate facial expressions for positive emotions, you might be surprised by what this new research suggests.

Should You Have to Take a Psychology Test Before You Invest or Take Out a Loan? New research suggests financial institutions and advisers should require potential clients to take a psychology test before they can take out a loan, sign up for a pension, or even invest. According to the study, “financial behaviour is about more than just financial education and understanding of risk and reward”; it also can be affected by certain traits and behaviors like impulsiveness, optimism, and goal-oriented behavior.

What I Wish I Could Tell My Boss: ‘Telling You About My Mental Health Was a Big Mistake’: As part of a series that publishes anonymous letters employees (or, former employees) write about their bosses, this man explains why he regrets telling his boss about his mental health issues and why he suspects his mental health was the real reason he was let go.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2wvZfVa
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Book Review: Transgender Children & Youth

Transgender youth, particularly transgender youth of color, are disproportionately the targets of bullying, familial abuse and violence in our society. LGBT youth make up a significant portion of the young homeless population, with transgender teens facing higher rates of homelessness than their lesbian, gay and bisexual peers.

As state legislatures enact anti-transgender laws regarding schools and bathrooms, the rights and needs of transgender individuals, especially transgender young people, belong more than ever in our national discourse. In other words, there could not be a better time for Elijah Nealy to write his comprehensive text, Transgender Children and Youth: Cultivating Pride and Joy with Families in Transition.

A social worker, therapist, professor and trans man himself, Nealy brings his thorough knowledge, experience, and understanding of supporting transgender young people and their families to this timely guide. Although written with clinicians and social workers in mind, Transgender Children and Youth offers insights and valuable information for anyone in a young trans person’s community, including parents, teachers, coaches, clergy and extended family members.

Nealy has written an accessible, meticulously explained and supported introduction to the particular issues trans children and teenagers face, and how best to address them.

Nealy assumes no specialized knowledge of his reader. After a poignant and personal introduction discussing his own experiences being trans, he begins with a chapter that deals exclusively with terminology and makes necessary distinctions between the concepts of birth-assigned sex, gender identity, gender expression and sexual orientation. He notes the ways in which our understanding of these concepts have evolved and recently become more fluid.

Happily, Nealy includes nonbinary, bigender, agender, gender fluid and gender diverse individuals in his considerations. It is an excellent primer, and those new to these terms will find much of value just in these first twelve pages.

Nealy proceeds by refining the above definitions and explaining how gender diversity and gender dysphoria—or the sense and accompanying distress that one’s birth-assigned sex does not match one’s gender identity—manifest in and affect children. He also explores the history and categorization of gender dysphoria in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, explaining the necessity of avoiding the implication that being transgender means that individuals are sick or mentally ill.

Language, in fact, reappears throughout Transgender Children and Youth as a crucial component of supporting and affirming the experiences of transgender children and teens. Nealy even devotes the final chapter to “Top 10 Life-Affirming Practices for Adults in the Lives of Trans Kids.”

After establishing his conceptual framework, Nealy addresses the particular needs of trans children, including the mechanics of social transition, hormone blockers and medical transition. He provides resources for how to approach social transition with schools, as well as samples of the documentation needed in order to enact name changes, be prescribed hormones and hormone blockers or proceed with gender-confirming surgery. The appendices of Transgender Children and Youth contain numerous and vital resources for therapists and families of transgender children and teens.

Perhaps most compelling, however, is Part 2: Trans Youth and the World Around Them, which includes “Helping Families,” “Beyond Help to Deeper Understanding” and “All About School.”

Nealy doesn’t only makes suggestions for clinicians dealing with families who are new or even resistant to the idea that their children are transgender, he moves far beyond the mechanics of coming out and transitioning. He discusses the particular questions of attending college, being employed, and considering adult life as a trans individual; all key points for trans teens trying to imagine life after adolescence. Yes, Transgender Children and Youth seems to say, those futures are possible and within reach.

Transgender Children and Youth is liberally peppered with case studies and anecdotes from Nealy’s own sessions, providing excellent examples for those reading in the mental health or social work fields. For layreaders, these stories serve another, equally necessary purpose: they illustrate the experiences of the children, teens, and families with which the text concerns itself. For those trying to understand their trans child or teen, they provide an excellent opportunity to explore the perspective both of trans youth and their parents.

Significant work remains to ensure the rights and safety of transgender individuals, particularly trans people of color. Trans teens continue to face homelessness and abuse, in part because they live with families who don’t accept them. While many restrictions regarding changing one’s name and gaining access to hormones have been eased, mental health providers still find themselves as gatekeepers between trans people and medical transition. However, Nealy illustrates repeatedly through Transgender Children and Youth that acceptance can be fostered, schools held accountable and progress made.

Transgender Children and Youth: Cultivating Pride and Joy with Families in Transition
Elijah C. Nealy
Norton
448 pages, hardcover
$27.95

from Psych Central http://ift.tt/2xEnIIe
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Pleasure from Someone Else’s Pain

When I hear a word not commonly used in my vernacular twice in a period of a few days, I know I need not wait for a third time to explore the concept.

Schadenfreude (pronounced ‘shade n froid’) which comes from German and originates from the words ‘harm’ and ‘joy. It is defined as, “enjoyment obtained from the troubles of others.” Chances are, you know someone who indulges in this practice, or perhaps, you do so yourself. It may seem like human nature to wish ill will on someone who wreaks havoc or does harm to others. As much as I am aware that cause and effect ultimately occurs, I take a page from those I know who practice the religion of Wicca as they don’t believe in casting negative spells since they hold firmly to the idea that what they put out into the world, returns 10-fold. Better not to evoke bad karma.

Nothing is more evident in the ever-changing world of politics, than this paradigm. Those who voted for one candidate may have a rubbing their hands with glee feeling when the other stumbles and falls. It is like a see saw that raises and lowers depending on the whim and will of the populace. People like seeing someone get their comeuppance, especially when they smugly proclaimed their righteousness.

One of the people who mentioned this word today has someone in her life who latches on to bad news about other people as if it is something that feeds his soul, when it fact, it might be poisoning it. He listens to talk radio with a political edge while he is driving. Ironically the other person who used the word a few days ago admits to having done that in his anger fuel injected past, but does no longer since he found it toxic. The first man doesn’t acknowledge the connection between having his brain bombarded with vitriol and his own easily triggered ire.

Schadenfreude as Social Sadism

Richard H. Smith who wrote The Joy of Pain: Schadenfreude and the Dark Side of Human Nature, offers this commentary on the subject,” Few people will easily admit to taking pleasure in the misfortunes of others. But who doesn’t enjoy it when an arrogant but untalented contestant is humiliated on American Idol, or when the embarrassing vice of a self-righteous politician is exposed, or even when an envied friend suffers a small setback?”

Call it a form of social sadism, if you will. Reality shows highlight the prevailing culture’s obsession with watching people behave foolishly, shaking their heads in disdain and yet, often can’t turn away or change the channel. We like to see the ‘bad guys’ here, get theirs. Tabloid journalism thrives on uncovering human frailty and foibles; whether through deliberate ill- advised behavior or accidental actions.

Often, people express relief that when something painful or traumatic occurs in someone’s life, that “there but for the grace…go I.” We see ourselves as being separate; an ‘us and them,’ rather than ‘I and thou’.  

According to an article in Discover, children in the second year of life can experience schadenfreude, when they perceive unfair or unequal treatment. In my therapy practice, I have taken note in the delight that various siblings have when their brother or sister gets in trouble; glad it wasn’t they who had consequences levied. Setting the other up can become a sport in some family arenas.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame

There is a neurological connection as well, as evidenced in a study that involved a simulated Yankees-Red Sox game. The researchers found that the brains of subjects lit up at the same location whether their team excelled or the other team failed. Taking it a step further, it was discovered that those who felt the most pleasure at the downfall of the other team, were also more likely to aggressively act out, such as throwing things, cursing at or punching rival fans.

Not Like Us

The concept of compassion deficit disorder is created by the perspective of  viewing someone else as ‘other’ and therefore, ‘not like us’. One definition of compassion is “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.” It is what may fuel hatred whether on an individual or institutional basis. At the time of this writing, virulent hatred has erupted like a boil in Charlottesville, Virginia. Pundits, politicians and private citizens have weighed in with their opinions on who or what is to blame for this wave of violence that left Heather Heyer dead and 19 others injured. Although it is impossible to know what thoughts poured through the mind of white supremacist James Alex Fields, Jr., the man whose actions took the life of this young woman, likely he saw her and those whose opinions differed from his as a threat to his existence.

Wind back the clock and it is likely that somewhere along the time line was a person or group of people who influenced him and created this disconnect from humanity and saw Heather and the other counter-protesters as the enemy and therefore, expendable.

Arnie Kozak, is a psychologist, clinical assistant professor in psychiatry at the University of Vermont College of Medicine, and author of Mindfulness A to Z: 108 Insights for Awakening Now and The Awakened Introvert. He contends that envy plays a role in schadenfreude, “With envy, we feel bad about ourselves in light of the success of others, and with schadenfreude, we feel good about their misfortunes.”

What if poor self-worth was at the heart of reveling in another’s failure and enhanced sense of self love contributed to its obliteration?

If we are to thrive as a species, it is important to recognize this phenomenon and alter our attitudes, since ultimately what affects one, affects all.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2eMG3Ld
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Can You Please Tell Me Why I’m Feeling this Way?

From Dubai: My mother died about 2 years ago but even before that I was always depressed as far as I can remember. But ever since she died I don’t feel like myself, right now I’m typing this messages but i feel like someone else is doing it for me,and I’m just in a tiny corner somewhere waiting for someone to help me get out.

I don’t feel real, my head feels heavy, sometimes I can’t breath; I feel hollow and I’ve lost interest on almost everything. I used to be passionate in learning about so many things; right now if I were to die, i prefer that than living at the moment. I feel like what’s happening to me is not real, like it’s just a dream and I just need to wake up.

I don’t feel any type of emotion, and even if i do, i feel like it someone else. I feel like someone else is slowing erasing who I really am deep inside, and replacing me with a different soul. I feel lost, I don’t care what happens to me, if I die, it wont matter. and I don’t really know what’s wrong wi th me. I just don’t . Can you please tell me why I’m feeling this way?

A: It’s possible that you are suffering from incomplete grieving. You were already depressed when your mother died. It’s possible that you couldn’t bear to feel the feelings of loss on top of the depression. You therefore coped by shutting off all of your feelings. That may have been a useful strategy for a short time but now you can’t seem to pull yourself out of it.

A therapist can provide you with the emotional safety net you need to pull out your feelings. It will be difficult to feel them. But you’ve already come to terms with the fact that the way you are living now isn’t a solution. With the support and guidance of a therapist, you can gradually let yourself feel what you need to feel and not be overwhelmed by it.

Please take care of yourself and get the help you need. You deserve it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

from Ask the Therapist http://ift.tt/2vR5WPU
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Can You Please Tell Me Why I’m Feeling this Way?

From Dubai: My mother died about 2 years ago but even before that I was always depressed as far as I can remember. But ever since she died I don’t feel like myself, right now I’m typing this messages but i feel like someone else is doing it for me,and I’m just in a tiny corner somewhere waiting for someone to help me get out.

I don’t feel real, my head feels heavy, sometimes I can’t breath; I feel hollow and I’ve lost interest on almost everything. I used to be passionate in learning about so many things; right now if I were to die, i prefer that than living at the moment. I feel like what’s happening to me is not real, like it’s just a dream and I just need to wake up.

I don’t feel any type of emotion, and even if i do, i feel like it someone else. I feel like someone else is slowing erasing who I really am deep inside, and replacing me with a different soul. I feel lost, I don’t care what happens to me, if I die, it wont matter. and I don’t really know what’s wrong wi th me. I just don’t . Can you please tell me why I’m feeling this way?

A: It’s possible that you are suffering from incomplete grieving. You were already depressed when your mother died. It’s possible that you couldn’t bear to feel the feelings of loss on top of the depression. You therefore coped by shutting off all of your feelings. That may have been a useful strategy for a short time but now you can’t seem to pull yourself out of it.

A therapist can provide you with the emotional safety net you need to pull out your feelings. It will be difficult to feel them. But you’ve already come to terms with the fact that the way you are living now isn’t a solution. With the support and guidance of a therapist, you can gradually let yourself feel what you need to feel and not be overwhelmed by it.

Please take care of yourself and get the help you need. You deserve it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

from Depression – Ask the Therapist http://ift.tt/2vR5WPU
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

The Sandwich Effect: Starting and Ending Our Day to Be Our Best Selves

How we show up each day is largely determined by our attitude and outlook. Despite the challenges that we might be facing in the day ahead, what we choose to focus on plays a big role in how we get through our day.

I have had days filled with stressors and hurdles that I have moved through with grace, courage, and presence, while on other days, filled with far fewer stressors, I have plodded through with irritability, negativity or anxiety. It didn’t have to do with what was unfolding during the day as much as what was happening in the space between my ears. When I wake up too early and can’t fall back to sleep and focus on thoughts of how tired I am going to be and predictions of doom and gloom for my day ahead, I set myself up for irritability. On the other hand, on the mornings when I wake up too early but sit outside and take in the early morning solitude that I so often miss at this hour, I show up very differently in my day.

I have been experimenting lately with something that I call “the sandwich effect.” I notice how easy it is for so many of us (myself included) to begin the day at full speed ahead, starting with checking our electronics and emails, then coming home after work and zoning out in front of electronics or TV, or plowing ahead into the evening (doing housework, taking care of children, attending to bills or other necessities), without much time to reflect on some of the things that matter most, and without much time to sit still in the space between the doing. How we set ourselves up for the day ahead is not only determined by what we do when we wake up, but can also be affected by what we do before we go to sleep.  Going to sleep depleted, drained, out of touch with our selves, or wired on electronics can not only affect the quality of our sleep but also can also affect our attitude about the day ahead. We can often miss that opportunity at the end of the day for a “reset”, a chance to take inventory, or a moment to reflect on some of the positives in our day and life that can easily go unnoticed.  

The Sandwich Effect is a way of starting and ending our day (sandwiching our day) with a few minutes of something nourishing, restorative, reflective, or mindful.  It is a way of creating a small space in which we can choose how we show up and where we want to focus on attention.  I offer a few suggestions here for how to do this, but you can experiment with your own ideas and notice what works best for you.  Each of these only take a few minutes and can be easily built into the course of your day without needing to set aside much time.  (Pick one to start with, or try multiple suggestions at a time).

Ideas for Starting Your Day:

1. Before you even get out of bed, take 2 or 3 minutes to think about who you most want to be today and how you want to show up in your day.  What qualities are most important to you?  Do you want to be patient today, compassionate, focused, determined, self-nurturing?  Do you want to go through your day more present, more loving, more calm, or something else?   Envision what this might look like in your day ahead, and what actions and choices align with this vision.  If you want to be calmer and more patient in your day, you might visualize yourself making time for short mini-breaks, pausing before you react to heated conversations, moving through your day with a sense of trust that you can handle what arises, and reminding yourself of times when you have been able to be patient and calm in the past.  
2. Before you check your electronics, take 2 or 3 minutes to look outside (or go outside if you can) and take in something in nature – the birds, the clouds, the trees, the sun.  Look at it in a way that you might not otherwise do – noticing colors, textures or other details you might easily overlook.  It amazes me that we often look at the same things repeatedly, but often don’t actually see them.  I have a beautiful backyard that is surrounded by woods but in my rushing around I can look out the window but not see the beauty of what is actually there.
3. Take 2 or 3 minutes to look inside, at whatever feelings are arising this morning.  Just notice what is there without trying to push anything away.  See if you can greet whatever you notice with compassion and kindness, even if it may be unpleasant.  If you wake up feeling anxious, for example, see if you might allow yourself to take a curious look at the anxiety and sense into what might be underneath it.  When we attend to ourselves in this way we can sometimes discover what is most needed, even if it is just sending ourselves some compassion for a difficulty we are going through.

Ideas for Ending Your Day:

1. Take 2 or 3 minutes to think back on your day and reflect on any moments that were positive, nourishing, uplifting, inspiring, or any small moments for which you might be appreciative or grateful.  Perhaps you might rest in a sense of accomplishment for helping coworkers with a problem at work, or for making a difference in someone’s life in some small way.  Perhaps you might appreciate the kindness of the person who let you go in front of them at the grocery store, or appreciate that you took the time to exercise today even though it would have been easier not to.
2. Before you get into bed, take 2 to 3 or more minutes away from electronics, where you can reset and restore.  You might practice mindfulness meditation and just follow your breath as it comes in and as it goes out.  You might engage in a mini-relaxation where you picture yourself at a beautiful, safe place, in all of its detail.  You might call up a time when you felt deeply relaxed or peaceful and allow yourself to re-experience those feelings now, as you call up that scene in your mind.  Alternatively, you might choose to listen to a few minutes of soothing music, experience some aromatherapy, or something else that is soothing to your senses.

If we want to show up as our best selves, it helps to start and end our day with something nourishing for the soul, even if only for a few brief minutes. By carving out this time on either end of the day and making space for some quiet electronic- free reflection or mindfulness, we create a space that can help to bring out the best in us.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2gvA698
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

The Personality Type Most Likely To Cheat On Their Partner

The top two psychological causes of infidelity.

• Try one of PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do (NEW)
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything

from PsyBlog http://ift.tt/2wpRwty
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Book Review: The Five Longings

David Richo is a PhD and MFT who has written many books about emotions, being an adult, relationships and more. In his new book, The Five Longings: What We’ve Always Wanted and Already Have, Richo brings his studies of Buddhism, Jungism, religion, philosophy and myth as well as his experience as a practicing psychotherapist and workshop leader.

The Five Longings is a book about the things we long for. From Richo’s perspective, longing is more than a mere wanting. It may never be completely satisfied, though we can come very close. It is not something material, such as a fancy car or a trip to Italy. A longing is a deep yearning for something that we feel is missing. It is what may come up when we wonder, “what would make me happy?” or “what is my purpose in life?”

Richo focuses on five longings in the book: love, meaning, freedom, happiness and growth. He does not claim that these are the only longings, nor does he explain why these are the five he selected. Readers could reasonably argue, however, that these five cover most of what is important in life. Still, a reader may feel satisfied about some of Richo’s five longings and choose to also focus on others. This is fine, of course, and even to be expected.

Can we live without attaining these five longings? Richo says yes, and we usually do, although we typically would achieve at least some degree of each of them, whether fleetingly or permanently. But imagine how good you would feel if you were at peace with all five categories. Life would not be without problems, but it would be pretty good overall.

Richo defines the differences and similarities between longings, addictions, desires and wants. Many of us may have never thought much about it, but in life we often take the path of least resistance to meet our challenges. This may mean that actual longings take a back seat and aren’t given much attention. We may not actually work on moving toward achieving them. Occasional successes in any of them may satisfy our needs, at least in the short term.

As you might suspect, individual chapters are devoted to each of the five longings. Much like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, the five longings could be seen as ordered by importance. However, Richo does not suggest this, nor does it seem likely.

For those who have read philosophy, some of what you will read in this book will remind you that you cannot just fly through the material and expect to fully comprehend it. The Five Longings is very thorough and comprehensive. Each longing is explored in depth. The reader will have much to think about by reading this book.

Richo uses many examples and quotations to help make his points, from Shakespeare to the Bible to Woody Allen. That makes for interesting reading and also provides topics to ponder a bit. It also shows how lasting and widespread the pursuit or exploration of longings have been.

Lest the reader thinks that all of life’s questions can be answered after reading the book, the final chapter is called, “Questions That Don’t Go Away.” In this chapter, the author raises the idea of questions that he says “have plagued humanity for centuries.” Two that he chooses to talk about are, “Is there a God?” and “Why is there evil?” His explorations of these questions are good reading.

The Five Longings is not a simple self-help book. It could be as welcome in a philosophy or religion classroom as in the hands of an individual seeking better self-understanding, or a professional looking for additional perspectives.

The Five Longings: What We’ve Always Wanted and Already Have
David Richo
Shambhala 2017
163 Pages, Paperback
$15.95

from Psych Central http://ift.tt/2gv12Wy
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Why I Wouldn’t Take Google’s Depression Test

At the end of August, Google decided to make available directly on its site (through a “knowledge panel”) the ability to take a depression screening quiz. We know a thing or two about online depression screening quizzes, because I put one of the first interactive depression screening quizzes online back in 1996, long before Google even existed.

Here’s the thing… Depression screening tests — like the PHQ-9 that Google is now offering on its website — are super helpful tools to give a person a little more insight into the possibility of having a serious mental illness. The problem with Google offering it is that this mega-marketing company is collecting your health data. Do you really want Google to have this kind of sensitive information about your mood?

Depression screening quizzes are great tools. They help a person learn whether they have symptoms commonly associated with clinical depression. They can then take those results to their family physician or a mental health professional to discuss further. Nobody (much) questions the usefulness of these kinds of tests.

But what happens when you give your health data to a mega-data company like Google? Here’s what Google says about your privacy when taking the depression test online:

All your answers are kept confidential. […]

Google respects the privacy and sensitivity of these results. No individual data linking you to your answers will be used by Google without your consent. Some anonymized data may be used in aggregate to improve your experience.

You’re apparently giving your consent to have Google use your data when you get started with the quiz — there’s no apparent way to opt-out of not having Google collect your quiz answers for their data usage. This isn’t really highlighted when you take the quiz — you have to click on a little arrow to find this out. I find this a bit unnerving personally.

Why would you trust Google with your health data? Google is a huge online marketing monopoly that has an iron grip on what people see when they search for information online — both in content and in video (through YouTube).

What’s NAMI Doing Here?

I guess to make people feel better about taking a quiz that’s been available online for more than a decade, Google partnered with a non-profit that works in the area of mental illness, the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). This is no dig on NAMI, but NAMI is not a scientific organization, nor does it have much to do with the PHQ-9. They are an organization who does great, amazing work from a family perspective of mental illness. But why only NAMI specifically? Why didn’t Google reach out to more than just one non-profit in mental illness to help with this effort?

There are literally hundreds of non-profits dedicated to ending the stigma of mental illness, and many who have done really great work in the past few years. For instance, Bring Change to Mind has really changed the modern conversation, in my mind, about mental illness. And Mental Health America has also worked very hard in this area of education and helping to reduce the stigma of mental illness. And that’s to name just two out of hundreds.

But only NAMI was chosen to help with this effort, which seems a little unfair to me.¹

Trusted Results for Over Two Decades

The good news is that you don’t have to rely on Google for your depression test or in order to take a depression quiz online. We’ve been offering a number of different depression quizzes online since the 1990s, and we DO NOT collect your quiz results for anything other than scientific research — and then only when you specifically and voluntarily OPT-IN (not opt-out).²

Check them out below:

• Quick Depression Test
• Depression Quiz — Our standard 18-question depression test
• All of our mental health quizzes — Over 3 dozen!

We applaud Google’s efforts in helping to disseminate more information about mental illness. But Google is a search engine, technology behemoth, and most of all, marketing company. They shouldn’t be providing information directly to consumers about these concerns, but rather directing people to the best information online. When they step over the line to become a publisher of mental health information, they need to be held to the same standards of other online health publishers.³

Today, they are not, and so the depression data they collect on you may very well be added to your existing online marketing profile. That may not be a concern to you today. But it may be in the future, when such data is used to make decisions about things you thought weren’t connected (such as getting the best rate on a mortgage, or applying for life insurance).

You don’t have to use our depression tests, but I would highly recommend not using Google’s either.

Footnotes:

1. But monopolies don’t need to worry about fairness, since they have the entire market and can pretty much do whatever they want.
2. We haven’t published anything on our quiz data, but we are working on such research now.
3. Who’s on their advisory or editorial board overseeing this information? Who’s their Editor-in-Chief? How is scientific information vetted for accuracy? There’s a good reason to ask: Google has a history of spreading misinformation about mental illness.

from World of Psychology http://ift.tt/2eLhCh9
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Did Psychologists Reinforce the Gender Gap?

It seems that the most favorite and most commonly used demographic variable in psychological research is gender. From clinical psychology to cognition, it seems that psychologists do not get closure out of their research until and unless they calculate a t-test to find out how males and females differ in a particular variable.

From the breeding period of human history, people have shown considerable interest in understanding the difference between males and females. But gradually the focus has shifted towards finding out who is better between males and females rather than knowing how males and females are similar. There is a little research in psychology that forgets to include gender as a variable in the models. By doing so, they have surely reinforced the existing trend of focusing on ‘deficiency’ rather than on ‘similarity.’

The gender gap is largely overrated when it comes to cognition. And especially, the issue becomes a hot topic and a bit sensitive when it comes to fields like mathematics. For instance, Halpern (2012) in her book asked, “Is it simply too dangerous to even ask about sex differences in cognition?” But the uninvited danger that comes with the research focusing on difference is that it unintentionally promotes an hierarchical structure. And focusing on similarity rather than on difference is more positive an approach and does not have the risk of creating a difference that never existed.

If we take a look at the studies aimed at finding out how males and females are naturally different from each other in terms of mathematics, most studies fail to reach a solved equation that says females are significantly lower in a particular aspect than males or vice versa.

Endorsing Gender Stereotypes?

For example, the work of Keller & Mennon (2010) involved the most advanced functional magnetic resonance imaging technique, but could only find that males and females have different activation areas while solving a mental math. It may simply imply that the strategies males and females use for solving mathematics are different, but there is no significant indication that men are naturally more “talented” in math than women.

Because of overemphasis by psychologists in the gender difference, somehow the gender stereotypes in society are being endorsed.

Back in 1974, Maccoby and Jacklin via their rigorous and exhaustive meta-analysis on as big as 2,000 sample size, discarded the gender difference notion.

Theorists like Hyde and Plant (1995), have proposed a gender similarity hypothesis and they have used meta-analysis as their authentic weapon in this process. Hyde, in 2005, could find difference between males and females only in motor performance such as throwing velocity and throwing distance.

Even psychologists who tend to draw a conclusion from differences in cognitive functioning must consider that cognitive functioning does not reflect uncontaminated core natural differences; rather, it is highly impacted by the environmental input.

For example, a single girl, who is writing a math examination with a group of 60 boys, would certainly be impacted by the stereotype threat and her working memory will be affected by that factor(Schamader & Johns, 2003). Therefore, the identity salience of the girl in the classroom influenced numerical cognition like working memory and it clearly says nothing about the difference in natural talent in mathematics between the girl and the boys.

There is another fallacy. Psychologists compare and assess performance that is a product of biology and environment. For example, if boys and girls are compared to each other in a running competition in terms of their speed, it is not an uncontaminated measure of motor co-ordination and muscular flexibility. It is surely affected by how much support they got from their families in continuing sports, how much appreciation society gives and the specific sports ground where they practice.

Therefore, drawing a conclusion on the basis of performance is faulty since the baseline of boys and girls, because of social expectancies, may differ.

When psychological results reveal difference in a particular psychological variable, generally, readers consider it to be a natural, unchangeable and universal difference between males and females. Therefore, they even don’t consider the importance of practice or environment. This approach clearly forms a stereotype in the human mind. And such stereotypes surely affect the overall self-esteem, self-concept and performance of girls and boys in a particular field.

As Link and Phelan (2001) suggested, stigma requires a power structure to manifest itself. Gender, especially in cultures with less egalitarianism, serves as a basis for the hierarchical system. We, psychologists, understand better than anybody how power and status play an important role in the perception of stereotype (Van Loo & Rydel, 2012). Therefore, women are already at a disadvantageous position because of their unfavorable social position in the power hierarchy. Talking explicitly about the gender gap, psychologists are unnecessarily worsening the existing system when we are supposed to talk about how to move beyond and battle against the barriers between groups, classes and communities.

 

Sucharita Maji is a research scholar at the Institute of Technology, Kampur.

 

from Psych Central Professional http://ift.tt/2xCShOx
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Low Sodium Hallucinations & the Subconscious Mind

Q. Are hallucinations in any way a projection of either the unconscious or the subconscious mind? To state an issue that occurred in my own family, when a family member underwent a surgery, her sodium levels dropped. She is one of the rare cases where low sodium levels induces hyperactivity and hallucinations. Although we have been told that the reason for her behavior is rooted in biological causes and changes, I would like to know the impact of such changes on the subconscious mind and whether there is any information unknowingly projected out by the individual through hallucinations. The aforementioned family member, post-surgery, looked at a fan and starting scolding it as if it were a person. Yet when asked what/who she was scolding, she answered saying that she was scolding the fan itself.

I have 2 queries regarding her behavior. One is with respect to the type of hallucination that was. It confuses me because although she was screaming at a fan, she knew it was a fan and didn’t assume it to a person. So i want to know what type of hallucination it was.
Secondly, when a servant from the house had come to the hospital, she was screaming at her and saying unreasonable things about her to her. I want to know whether this was a projection of just exaggerated affect shown through hallucinations. Thank you.

A. You ask a question that tests the very limits of science. Anyone who gives you a simple answer is guilty of being simpleminded. Really, what you are asking is what is the nature of reality and the place of consciousness within that reality.

It would be nice to think that reality is obvious and that science, for the last hundred years or so, has shown us a blurry picture and that over time, through the advances of science, that blurry picture simply becomes more and more in focus. Another way of saying this, would be to say “we know what it is but we don’t know all of the details. With the passage of days and weeks we discover more and more of the details.”

But the truth is the exact opposite of that statement. The very best scientific minds recognize that reality and the place of consciousness in reality is exceedingly difficult to determine and is likely to be not at all what we thought it to be. Put very simply but quite inadequately, it is the difference between Newtonian physics and quantum physics. Strange things happen in quantum physics and we have known this for 100 years. Experiments have been repeated year after year, decade after decade, yielding the same results and though it would be convenient to ignore these results, they cannot be overlooked.

Many books have been written about the findings of experiments in quantum physics and additional books, have been written summarizing these results and expounding upon their meaning. It would not be the slightest exaggeration to say that the very best scientific minds of our time are primarily focused on these issues. They are scientists that are nationally recognized as being among the very best, internationally recognized as being among the very best and some are Nobel prize laureates.

One of America’s best scientists, Robert Lanza has written two books on the subject. The first was titled Biocentrism: Robert Lanza’s Theory of Everything and the second was titled Beyond Biocentrism: Rethinking Time, Space, Consciousness, and the Illusion of Death. You can watch Ted talks and see Dr. Lanza explain his understanding of this subject. He is not alone in his beliefs; many great minds concur. To summarize their position in the simplest of all possible terms, “it ain’t simple.”

I can’t give you a simple answer about your family member. We know the drugs can be psychoactive, which means that they can enter the brain and distort its functioning. With hallucinogenic drugs like LSD, people have said that they can hear colors and see sounds. If your loved one returned to normal functioning, after this hospital event, problem solved. After that, any deeper probing enters an area of science that is simply not understood.

The very best minds in science are studying the nature of consciousness and being. It is not a simple subject, but it is not beyond the understanding of the reader of my words.

If you read both of Robert Lanza’s books, don’t expect to be an expert but you will have an understanding. Experts study for years and if you want to be an expert you also will need to study for years but you don’t need to be an expert to be impressed with the work of these scientists and to gain whatever understanding that you desire.

I hope that you don’t think that I’ve avoided your specific question. I have instead answered in the best way I possibly could. To know the effect of the unconscious and subconscious upon the conscious mind, one would need to know about the true nature of the unconscious and subconscious and conscious minds and quite honestly, no one really knows. Since I do not, nor does anyone else with whom I am aware have a complete understanding of these areas, then anything is possible. Without knowing all, who can say what is not a part of the all?

The important thing is that modern science has hopefully returned your loved one to a happy, normal existence. How to return someone to a normal existence or state of being, is thankfully practiced every day in therapist’s office across the world and if I may add, with great success. Let me leave you with this. Understanding how to return someone to a “normal” existence is a far different question than that of the true nature of existence. Good luck, my friend.

Dr. Kristina Randle

from Ask the Therapist http://ift.tt/2vPLoar
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT

Mindfulness management of stress and inflammation

I pass on a description from the Univ. of Wisconsin Center for Healthy Minds of research suggesting that mindfulness meditation may be an effective way to manage inflammation the the expression of disease. Their text:

In one study in the journal Brain, Behavior, and Immunity, the group compared people with asthma that had high versus low levels of chronic stress. Both groups were exposed to an acute stressor. During exposure to the stressor, the increase in activity in the mid-insula – a part of the brain involved in bi-directional influence with the state of the body – was associated with greater stress reactivity and predicted subsequent airway inflammation after the stressor. The findings provide support for the idea that psychological stressors result in detrimental outcomes in inflammatory disease expression, particularly in people experiencing chronic life stress.

In another study, Rosenkranz and scientists measured inflammatory responses in experienced meditators and people with no or little meditation experience. By examining participants’ responses to an acute stressor through their levels of cortisol – a stress hormone – in saliva samples and inflammatory response to a topical capsaicin cream, the team found that experienced meditators showed lower reactivity, suggesting that meditation practices may be helpful in mitigating inflammatory responses brought about by psychological stress.

With roughly 10 percent of the U.S. population living with asthma, and inflammation being a contributor to many other chronic conditions such as cancer, heart disease and Alzheimer’s disease, Rosenkranz says the findings are important in challenging the medical community to look beyond pharmaceutical approaches to address these physical manifestations of disease and to also consider strategies that harness the influence of the mind on the body.

from Deric's MindBlog http://ift.tt/2vwmp0l
via https://ifttt.com/ IFTTT