Self-Control & Technology

I have no ability to maintain self control over anything I do. Thankfully I do not enjoy acts such as smoking, or drinking. Yet, the level to which I can’t maintain self control over the things I do enjoy is debilitating, and frustrating. I am constantly on electronics, not socially though (E.g. Talking to people). I can’t seem to stop myself from playing video games, surfing the internet, etc. This is not regular either, I’m a student and I would say almost every minute I’m not eating, or attending class, I’m on my computer, or phone. This can go until 8:00AM the next day, or I’ll even just pull an all-nighter to continue doing what I’m doing on my devices.

This works its way into other areas of my life as well. I can’t maintain a steady workout practice, I can’t maintain dental hygiene, I can’t work harder in my classes. I also suffer from pretty severe diagnosed depression, as well as inattentive ADHD. I will not leave my house for most of the day so I can be on my computer, and will not leave my room if I hear my roommates are out there, because there could be a conversation that would eat into my precious “free time”. My sleep schedule is an absolute mess due to my lack of self-control, and some days I go to bed at 8PM and some days it’s 8AM. I never know, and I feel exhausted non-stop.

I don’t really have any excuses for this, but I just can’t stop. I’ve tried creating regiments, to-do lists, calendars. I’ve tried blocking apps, programs, games, etc. My degrees deal heavily with science and computers, so I still need to use them on a daily basis for my classes. The only thing I use to justify my behavior is that I’m smart. I don’t mean this in a brag-y way. I hate it. I’ve always been told I’m too smart, and it has caused me to be less of who I could be. I have skipped upwards of 5 weeks straight of classes just to go on my technology, but I can get away with it, and still get the A. I hate that. I want to be punished so I have a reason to stop. My health, and mental sanity is being destroyed by the lack of control I have in my life.

A. The inability to stop using technology is a common problem. If you Google “can’t stop using phone” or related keywords you will find many articles about the subject. Researchers are trying to determine why people can’t seem to put down their phones.

Modern technology is also causing problems on the roadways. Texting while driving is a serious health hazard, yet many people continue to do it. Researchers say it’s mainly because texting while driving is not yet considered socially unacceptable, as is the combination of drinking while driving. Until people see it as shameful it seems that they will continue to do it.

Part of the problem is that technology is universally accessible. The majority of individuals have smart phones. Pews Research Center indicates that 77% of Americans own smart phones. Many people who have them are struggling with the same types of issues you have described.

Some researchers consider the inability to stop using technology to be an addiction. It provides quick feedback and instant gratification. If so, it is not necessarily a matter of “self-control” for which you need to be “punished.” They say that it provides a high similar to illicit drugs or gambling. It seems to be a habit that for some is difficult to break.

You might try researching how to stop using technology but the best and most efficient solution is to consult a knowledgeable local therapist. This is especially important because of your possible depression and attention deficit disorder. These may be worsening the problem and in fact may be its main contributors. A good therapist will examine the problem and design an effective solution. Ask your primary care physician for a referral or consult the university counseling center. They will help you to find the appropriate counseling services. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Self-Control & Technology

I have no ability to maintain self control over anything I do. Thankfully I do not enjoy acts such as smoking, or drinking. Yet, the level to which I can’t maintain self control over the things I do enjoy is debilitating, and frustrating. I am constantly on electronics, not socially though (E.g. Talking to people). I can’t seem to stop myself from playing video games, surfing the internet, etc. This is not regular either, I’m a student and I would say almost every minute I’m not eating, or attending class, I’m on my computer, or phone. This can go until 8:00AM the next day, or I’ll even just pull an all-nighter to continue doing what I’m doing on my devices.

This works its way into other areas of my life as well. I can’t maintain a steady workout practice, I can’t maintain dental hygiene, I can’t work harder in my classes. I also suffer from pretty severe diagnosed depression, as well as inattentive ADHD. I will not leave my house for most of the day so I can be on my computer, and will not leave my room if I hear my roommates are out there, because there could be a conversation that would eat into my precious “free time”. My sleep schedule is an absolute mess due to my lack of self-control, and some days I go to bed at 8PM and some days it’s 8AM. I never know, and I feel exhausted non-stop.

I don’t really have any excuses for this, but I just can’t stop. I’ve tried creating regiments, to-do lists, calendars. I’ve tried blocking apps, programs, games, etc. My degrees deal heavily with science and computers, so I still need to use them on a daily basis for my classes. The only thing I use to justify my behavior is that I’m smart. I don’t mean this in a brag-y way. I hate it. I’ve always been told I’m too smart, and it has caused me to be less of who I could be. I have skipped upwards of 5 weeks straight of classes just to go on my technology, but I can get away with it, and still get the A. I hate that. I want to be punished so I have a reason to stop. My health, and mental sanity is being destroyed by the lack of control I have in my life.

A. The inability to stop using technology is a common problem. If you Google “can’t stop using phone” or related keywords you will find many articles about the subject. Researchers are trying to determine why people can’t seem to put down their phones.

Modern technology is also causing problems on the roadways. Texting while driving is a serious health hazard, yet many people continue to do it. Researchers say it’s mainly because texting while driving is not yet considered socially unacceptable, as is the combination of drinking while driving. Until people see it as shameful it seems that they will continue to do it.

Part of the problem is that technology is universally accessible. The majority of individuals have smart phones. Pews Research Center indicates that 77% of Americans own smart phones. Many people who have them are struggling with the same types of issues you have described.

Some researchers consider the inability to stop using technology to be an addiction. It provides quick feedback and instant gratification. If so, it is not necessarily a matter of “self-control” for which you need to be “punished.” They say that it provides a high similar to illicit drugs or gambling. It seems to be a habit that for some is difficult to break.

You might try researching how to stop using technology but the best and most efficient solution is to consult a knowledgeable local therapist. This is especially important because of your possible depression and attention deficit disorder. These may be worsening the problem and in fact may be its main contributors. A good therapist will examine the problem and design an effective solution. Ask your primary care physician for a referral or consult the university counseling center. They will help you to find the appropriate counseling services. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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A magic bullet to restore our brain's plasticity?

No...not yet. But work by Jenks et al. showing that juvenile-like plasticity is restored in the visual cortex of adult mice by acute viral expression of the neuronal protein Arc makes one wonder if a similar trick might eventually be tried in adult human brains...

Significance

Neuronal plasticity peaks early in life during critical periods and normally declines with age, but the molecular changes that underlie this decline are not fully understood. Using the mouse visual cortex as a model, we found that activity-dependent expression of the neuronal protein Arc peaks early in life, and that loss of activity-dependent Arc expression parallels loss of synaptic plasticity in the visual cortex. Genetic overexpression of Arc prolongs the critical period of visual cortex plasticity, and acute viral expression of Arc in adult mice can restore juvenile-like plasticity. These findings provide a mechanism for the loss of excitatory plasticity with age, and suggest that Arc may be an exciting therapeutic target for modulation of the malleability of neuronal circuits.

Abstract

The molecular basis for the decline in experience-dependent neural plasticity over age remains poorly understood. In visual cortex, the robust plasticity induced in juvenile mice by brief monocular deprivation during the critical period is abrogated by genetic deletion of Arc, an activity-dependent regulator of excitatory synaptic modification. Here, we report that augmenting Arc expression in adult mice prolongs juvenile-like plasticity in visual cortex, as assessed by recordings of ocular dominance (OD) plasticity in vivo. A distinguishing characteristic of juvenile OD plasticity is the weakening of deprived-eye responses, believed to be accounted for by the mechanisms of homosynaptic long-term depression (LTD). Accordingly, we also found increased LTD in visual cortex of adult mice with augmented Arc expression and impaired LTD in visual cortex of juvenile mice that lack Arc or have been treated in vivo with a protein synthesis inhibitor. Further, we found that although activity-dependent expression of Arc mRNA does not change with age, expression of Arc protein is maximal during the critical period and declines in adulthood. Finally, we show that acute augmentation of Arc expression in wild-type adult mouse visual cortex is sufficient to restore juvenile-like plasticity. Together, our findings suggest a unifying molecular explanation for the age- and activity-dependent modulation of synaptic sensitivity to deprivation.

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Requiem for a Nightmare

I am a recovering praise fiend.  

As a little boy, I would sprint home and unload my day’s events to my nonplussed mother.

“Hi, Mom, I earned an A on my English paper,” I would gush. And then my tone would drop an octave, “But I earned a B on that math quiz.” Dropping my head, I would then sulk to the kitchen table. That B would invoke a night of heavy soul-searching and, at times, self-flagellation (“What happened? How could I get a B on that math quiz?”). While amusing now — in an awkward, semi-embarrassed way, my self-reporting entailed more than a daily academic update. It represented my unquenchable thirst for praise.

Growing up, praise was few and far between from my taciturn parents. “We expect academic excellence; you were raised on the right side of the tracks,” my tight-lipped father would grunt. Not surprisingly, earning high-achieving grades was more of relief; there was a joylessness as I grunted my way through school.

As I have aged and matured (and, yes, received my fair share of B’s), I recognize praise’s tempting — but ultimately hollow — appeal. When we rely on others’ approval for our self-identity, we defer to them on our major life decisions. And in seeking their affirmation and validation, we sacrifice our own understanding of a healthy, fulfilling life. There is a balance between deference and passivity. And as a praise fiend, you risk succumbing your own independent, sound judgment to for a life someone else has constructed.

Stop. Walk away from that (praise) needle. The hit is short-lived and, like a junkie, leaves you craving more.

Thankfully, I have weaned myself from praise’s addictive tentacles. From my Psych Central submissions to backpacking the world, I have developed my own self-identity independent of others’ opinions. And from forcefully sticking up for my own political viewpoints to charting my own distinctive career path (poor but richly fulfilling), I trust my own decision-making–even if it alienates those family and friends. Disposing of that used (praise) needle, life does feel more liberating.

There is a direct overlap between praise and mental health. As an OCD sufferer, praise and reassurance are brothers from the same mental health mother. Uncertainty is the common denominator–whether you are questioning the latest OCD thought or craving affirmation for the latest work project. But praise, like reassurance, is a temporary balm; it soothes but does not solve. A more enduring solution: embrace the uncertainty and then challenge it. By first embracing the possibility of failure (“maybe my work project is inadequate; perhaps my boss will be dissatisfied”), the fear of failure slowly loses its molten intensity. As the craven need for praise/validation subsides, it is time for a more objective appraisal. “I have completed countless projects without requiring my boss’s approval. I can complete this project too.”

From loved ones to employers, the need for validation is understandable. We all want to be praised for our character, our thoughtful gestures, our work performance–myself included. But praise can be a double-edged sword. By futilely chasing the next plaudit, the insatiable need for approval threatens one’s self-identity. And, sadly, a thousand trite compliments–however well-meaning–cannot replace that.

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Step Children/Narcissist Bio Mother

My Step-children live with their mother who is without any doubt has narcissistic PD. How can my husband, their father, help counter the negative outcomes of being raised in an unhealthy environment. We have finally gotten her to agree to counseling, but I want to do as much as we can to help support them and/or counter some of the emotional toxicity they experience. Due to her constantly suing us for more child support, we don’t have the funds to sue her for custody. Additionally, Illinois is not a very progressive state and the family laws are not equitable, favoring mom in many cases. I look forward to your thoughts. (From the USA)

A: Dealing with an ex-spouse with a personality disorder can be very challenging. I’d recommend being consistently supportive and available to listen to your stepchildren. What typically happens over time is that the children will recognize the same issues as you. They will need to have a safe place to talk about developing coping strategies, and making their own adjustments. Since I don’t know the ages of the children I can’t comment on specific strategies. However the therapist who will be involved in the counseling should be able to make specific recommendations for coping.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

 

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Antidepressant Thought Safe Linked To Self-Harm And Suicide

Drug thought safe for teenagers linked to suicidal and self-harming behaviours.

• Try one of PsyBlog's ebooks, all written by Dr Jeremy Dean:

• Activate: How To Find Joy Again By Changing What You Do (NEW)
• The Anxiety Plan: 42 Strategies For Worry, Phobias, OCD and Panic
• Spark: 17 Steps That Will Boost Your Motivation For Anything

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I Hate Heroin

I Hate Heroin was formed in 2012 by the mother of three boys who were struggling with Substance Abuse. Not knowing where to turn and having no resources in her home state of Iowa she set out on a quest to try to find support and help for her children.Four years later I Hate Heroin has grown to over 190,000 page members and  is now a National Non Profit Organization. I Hate Heroin is a community of people joined together by one common cause, the battle to overcome addiction.

Sadly in April of 2016 our Founder lost two of her children to a Fentanyl Overdose on the same day. She continues on with her mission in great love in their memory and in support of her surviving son now several years into recovery.

I Hate Heroin is a place for anyone affected by Heroin Addiction A place where your voice can be heard, your heart can be understood and your life can be changed. A place to spread hope to all affected…until all are free.

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The Problem with Yelling

“The problem with verbal abuse is there is no evidence,” Marta shared. She came for help with a long-standing depression.

“What do you mean lack of evidence?” I asked her.

“When people are physically or sexually abused it’s concrete and real. But verbal abuse is amorphous. I feel like if I told someone I was verbally abused, they’d think I was just complaining about being yelled at,” Marta explained.

“It’s much more than that,” I validated.

“Much more,” she said.

“The problem is no one can see my scars.” She knew intuitively that her depression, anxiety and deep-seated insecurity were scars that stemmed from the verbal abuse she endured.

“I wish I was beaten,” Marta shared on more than one occasion. “I’d feel more legitimate.”

Her statement was haunting and brought tears to my eyes.

Verbal abuse is so much more than getting scolded. Marta told me that there were many reasons her mother’s tirades made her skin crawl:

• The loud volume of her voice.
• The shrill tone of her voice.
• The dead look in her eyes.
• The critical, disdainful and contemptuous facial expression that made Marta feel hated to the core.
• The eviscerating names, you’re spoiled, disgusting, and wretched.
• The unpredictability of that “flip of the switch” that turned her mother into someone else.
• And, perhaps worst of all, the abandonment.

“It is not just that I felt assaulted,” Marta cried, “It’s that when I did something that flipped her switch, my mother left me and was replaced by a monster. That’s exactly what it felt like. I was totally alone.” Tears welled up in Marta’s eyes.

Being frequently yelled at changes the brain and the body in a multitude of ways including increasing the activity of the amygdala (the emotional brain), increasing stress hormones in the blood stream, increasing muscular tension, and more. Being frequently yelled at changes how we think even after we become adults and leave home. That’s because the brain wires according to our experiences — we literally hear our parents’ voices yelling at us in our heads even when they are not there. Marta had to work hard every day to push away the onslaught now coming from inside her mind.

Attachment and infant-mother research confirms what we all intuitively know: that humans do better when they feel safe, which means among other things, being treated with respect. What is new news to many of us is that we are born with hard-wired core emotions (sadness, fear, anger, joy, etc.) that cause us physical and emotional reactions to pain and pleasure from the moment we are born. This means we react to anything that feels attacking including loud voices, angry voices, angry eyes, dismissive gestures and more. Children do better when they are calm. The calmer and more connected the caregiver, the calmer and more secure is their child.

The following are some things we can remember to help young brains develop well and help our children feel safe and secure.

• Know that children have very real emotional worlds that need nurturing, so the brain and nervous system wire in the healthiest ways, conducive to becoming calm and confident to meet life’s challenges.  
• Learn about core emotions so you can help your child successfully manage emotions.
• Enhance your child’s self-esteem by being kind, compassionate and curious in their mind and world.
• When a break in the relationship occurs, as often happens during conflicts, repair the connection with your child as soon as possible.
• Help your child feel safe and secure by allowing them to separate from you and become their own person, welcoming them back with love and connection, even when you are angry or disappointed in their behaviors. You can calmly discuss your concerns and use opportunities as teachable moments.

Yelling at children is counter to all of the above, as is hitting and crossing physical/sexual boundaries of any kind.

The last time I saw Marta, she told me had received upsetting news over the weekend.

Marta said, “I told myself, my distress will soon pass and I’ll be ok. And, then I worked The Change Triangle. I named, validated and felt my sadness in my body as I gave myself compassion. When I had enough, I took a walk through the park. I felt better.”

So proud of the calming way she now spoke to herself I said, “I love how you just acted like your own good mother.”

She smiled and said, “Yeah. It’s a whole new world.”

I smiled and thought that was true. The mother who lived inside her mind used to condemn her with such mean and unhelpful comments as: Serves you right! Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill! or Who cares about you?

The harsh mother inside Marta had mellowed.

As a parent, it is not easy to control one’s temper or realize if we’ve crossed the line into verbal abuse. There is a slippery slope between being a strict disciplinarian and what will traumatize a young brain. A little awareness goes a long way in this case. Being aware of one’s behavior, listening to one’s tone of voice and choice of words, and watching one’s body language, all help keep us in check. Little children, who can act tough, defiant, or even indifferent to our actions, are still vulnerable to trauma. Our own childhood experiences, wonderful, horrible, and everything in between, need to be remembered and honored. And we can all strive to help our families evolve: to pay forward more of the best, gentle experiences we received as children than the painful ones.

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Transitioning to the New School Year Starts NOW

It’s the last week of August. Summer vacation and summer routines end. The school year routine begins. Even if the kids have been in daycare or camps or recreation programs, chances are the schedule during the summer months was a little — or a lot — different from the school year. Parents can take advantage of the new-ness of the new school year by talking to their kids about how important it is to get into the swing of things now — this week — so that everyone in the family will be ready when the first day of school rolls around.

Make it a family challenge to reset routines so the excitement of the first day of school isn’t marred by nagging, scolding and rushing. If you can embrace this as an important and an even exciting “getting set for school” transition week, the kids are likely to get into the spirit of the thing.

It’s important that they — and you — do. Routines create stability and predictability for kids. Having a set bed time ensures that they go to school rested. Carrying out a daily wake up routine on their own fosters competence and independence. Having a routine time and place for managing homework conveys that you think education is important. Sticking with the routines until they become habits reduces stress around morning and evening family time for everyone.

5 Resets for school success:

1. Change bed times. If yours is the kind of family that relaxes the bed time schedule during the summer, the time to get back to school night routines is now. The kids won’t automatically adapt the night before school begins. Start the school year bed time this week so by the time the first day of school comes, the kids will be used to it.
2. Change the wake up routine too: If your summer schedule has also allowed for sleeping later than during the school year and perhaps a more relaxed approach to breakfast, make that shift now too. Teach your kids to set an alarm clock and to get dressed without prompting from you. Insist that they have a healthy breakfast to start the day. It matters. Kids who go to school hungry aren’t at their best for paying attention in school.
3. Make a homework routine possible: It’s been proven: Kids who have a specified time and place for homework do better than those who don’t. Provide the support your kids need to get into a homework routine. Set up a place and supplies so you don’t have to spend time every day negotiating and deciding where and when they should do homework or looking for needed supplies. 

   Set up a homework area: Involve the kids is deciding where they will be doing their homework and encourage them to take ownership of it by helping to arrange it. The area doesn’t have to be fancy, just consistent. It can be the kitchen table or a desk or a table set up in the family room or the kids’ bedrooms. If you are using the kitchen or dining room, designate a shelf or milk crate as the place for school supplies and homework in progress. Do include a big calendar in order to keep track of long-term projects. 

   Locate the school supplies they’ll need: Chances are you have most of what they need scattered around your apartment or house. You don’t have to go out and buy all new stuff. Don’t get seduced by all those ads that pressure us to buy, buy, buy every little office supply before September first. Wait until you find out from the teachers what they really want the kids to have in their backpacks and fill in as needed.

4. Start the homework routine now: Your kids will adjust to the discipline of doing homework if they have a running start into the new routine. Set aside the same time each day for doing some concentrated “study” time. Include tasks like uninterrupted silent reading for older kids or copying their name for little ones. Time on computers doesn’t count. The kids need practice managing sustained attention on a task that doesn’t immediately reward them with beeps and colorful icons.
5. Make New School Year Resolutions: The first day of school often holds more importance for kids than January 1. The new school year means a new grade, new teachers, new kids to get to know and new subject matter challenges. It’s a great time to make some new resolutions.

   Ask each of your kids to come up with a goal for the new school year. If their suggestions seem too ambitious, carefully talk about how to revise them to something that is more likely to be successful. Be sure to set one of your own too. Think about how you can be more supportive of the kids’ success. Write the resolutions down and post them where everyone can see them as positive reminders.

   Make it part of your weekly routine to check in about how everyone (including you) is doing in carrying out those promises. As the school year gets rolling, it may become clear that a resolution made in August isn’t helpful or appropriate to what is going on in school. That’s okay. Such resolutions should be part of an ongoing conversation, not an issue of success or failure.

Think about the transition to the new school year as the opportunity not a problem. There’s something about “fresh starts” that appeals to most of us. How many times have you told yourself that you’ll start some new routine on Monday? Or when you get back from vacation? Or on your birthday? The first day of school can be such a marker for a new beginning. Getting into the swing of school year routines now, especially if done with enthusiasm, can help set your kids up for school success this year.

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Can I Get Over History of Foster Care?

From the U.S.: I was taken into foster care when I was a child (10-12). It happened more than once, and for petty reasons. It is still affecting me today, almost two decades later. I want the emotional pain to stop.

Every time I was ripped from my family, it felt like part of my soul died. After these traumatic experiences of being removed, I felt I was incapable of being loved or loving others, for fear they could always be taken away by corrupt social workers. I find it difficult to form adult relationships and am scared about when I have children. What if I will never be able to form bonds with them do to fear of losing them? There was a time when I did not want children due to this fear or them being psychologically hurt as much as I was, if they were taken from me.

Please help me- deep down, I want to love so badly but I always seem to push people away. My family tells me I should have forgotten this years ago, but it still hurts. Any insight you could provide would be appreciated. I do not want this to ruin my life. Thank-you.

A: Repeated upheavals and removals do leave scars. The child you were decided that the only way to protect yourself was to stop loving. That child also decided that the reason for the removals was that you are unlovable.

Those are a child’s conclusions. To get past them, you probably need a therapist to help heal that child who still lives on inside of you. You are an educated woman in a highly technical job. Clearly, you are an intelligent and able person who knows how to solve lots of kinds of professional problems. With the support and guidance of a therapist, those same skills and abilities can be brought to bear on the personal ones.

You’ve spent 20 years of your life feeling unlovable and unable to love. You don’t need to spend that next decades stuck in those beliefs. Please find a supportive therapist and stick with it for a couple of years. Reclaim the lovable, loving person you were meant to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Can I Get Over History of Foster Care?

From the U.S.: I was taken into foster care when I was a child (10-12). It happened more than once, and for petty reasons. It is still affecting me today, almost two decades later. I want the emotional pain to stop.

Every time I was ripped from my family, it felt like part of my soul died. After these traumatic experiences of being removed, I felt I was incapable of being loved or loving others, for fear they could always be taken away by corrupt social workers. I find it difficult to form adult relationships and am scared about when I have children. What if I will never be able to form bonds with them do to fear of losing them? There was a time when I did not want children due to this fear or them being psychologically hurt as much as I was, if they were taken from me.

Please help me- deep down, I want to love so badly but I always seem to push people away. My family tells me I should have forgotten this years ago, but it still hurts. Any insight you could provide would be appreciated. I do not want this to ruin my life. Thank-you.

A: Repeated upheavals and removals do leave scars. The child you were decided that the only way to protect yourself was to stop loving. That child also decided that the reason for the removals was that you are unlovable.

Those are a child’s conclusions. To get past them, you probably need a therapist to help heal that child who still lives on inside of you. You are an educated woman in a highly technical job. Clearly, you are an intelligent and able person who knows how to solve lots of kinds of professional problems. With the support and guidance of a therapist, those same skills and abilities can be brought to bear on the personal ones.

You’ve spent 20 years of your life feeling unlovable and unable to love. You don’t need to spend that next decades stuck in those beliefs. Please find a supportive therapist and stick with it for a couple of years. Reclaim the lovable, loving person you were meant to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Sharing Knowledge of Your Mental Health Issues

We were on Route 9 in between Kremmling and Silverthorne, Colorado. Our ultimate destination was Colorado Springs. To say that we were out in the boonies was an understatement. Mountains rose up to the right and left of us. I was enjoying the solitude when suddenly my cell phone rang.

Who could be calling me?

It was a New York City area code and a phone number that I didn’t immediately recognize. I was surprised I could even get cell phone service at this altitude.

“Hello,” I said.

“Laura, it’s Maria. I’m calling your from Switzerland.” (Maria’s husband was from Switzerland, and they often vacationed there.)

Maria was my friend John’s sister. I feared the worst. Had John passed? “Maria…what’s up?”

“I’m here with my friend Gerda, whom I’ve known for over 30 years. She has some of the same issues you do; she’s bipolar.”

“O.K.,” I said.

“We’re calling you for advice.”

I was a bit taken aback.  “Well, I’m no doctor, but I’ll try to help.”

In a nutshell, Gerda was taking an anti-anxiety med, and she was having terrible side effects with it.  She couldn’t stop pacing.  Her doctor was going to prescribe a different medicine to control the side effects.

I’d been on that med before, and I too had not liked it. “Maria, that’s an older anti-anxiety med. Tell Gerda to ask her doctor to try Abilify. I’ve found this to be a great medication with no noticeable side effects.”

“Thanks, Laura. I’ll tell Gerda.”

“You’re welcome.”

What is the moral of this story?

Of course, only a doctor can prescribe psychotropic drugs, but the individuals in the trenches who take the meds have had some knowledge of them.

If you’ve had a mental health issue like I have for a long time (26 years), people may look to you for advice.  If so, remember, you don’t have the final word, but you can share your experiences with meds and treatments.

In my opinion, giving a drug to counteract the side horrible side effects of another drug was a bad idea.  That’s why I suggested that Gerda ask her doctor to try this newer medication.

But there is a time and a place to give advice.  If it is solicited, think about offering it, as I did.  If it’s not, you could get into trouble. People might tell you to mind your own business, or worse.

Once my friend Jennifer wanted to switch her medications, but she was just about to begin a new job.  Most everyone would agree that it is not advised to change medications before a major life change.  I told Jennifer that this probably was not a good idea, and she didn’t speak to me for a few months.  So much for giving unsolicited advice — watch out.

Being bipolar is no fun, but it does give you new knowledge about the extremes of life and how to deal with them.  In many ways, you are an expert.

I have to say, I’ll never forget that phone call from Switzerland. People have asked me for advice before, but never from so far away. I felt honored that I could help someone who desperately needed help.

Only time will tell. Abilify might not even be the med for Gerda. The point is that her doctor needs to try another one, in my opinion, or Gerda needs to get a new doctor.

So if you have a mental health issue, don’t be surprised if people approach you to discuss it with them. The important thing is to be honest and let your experience do the talking.

I myself ask my bipolar friends about the medications they take and how they react. It’s comforting to hear about their success with a “good” med or commiserate over their dissatisfaction with “bad” one.

Sometimes the grass roots approach will be beneficial for many individuals.

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Are people really unconcerned about rising economic inequality?

McCall et al. provide data to counter a common social sciences research conclusion that Americans don't are about rising inequality:

Economic inequality has been on the rise in the United States since the 1980s and by some measures stands at levels not seen since before the Great Depression. Although the strikingly high and rising level of economic inequality in the nation has alarmed scholars, pundits, and elected officials alike, research across the social sciences repeatedly concludes that Americans are largely unconcerned about it. Considerable research has documented, for instance, the important role of psychological processes, such as system justification and American Dream ideology, in engendering Americans’ relative insensitivity to economic inequality. The present work offers, and reports experimental tests of, a different perspective—the opportunity model of beliefs about economic inequality. Specifically, two convenience samples (study 1, n = 480; and study 2, n = 1,305) and one representative sample (study 3, n = 1,501) of American adults were exposed to information about rising economic inequality in the United States (or control information) and then asked about their beliefs regarding the roles of structural (e.g., being born wealthy) and individual (e.g., hard work) factors in getting ahead in society (i.e., opportunity beliefs). They then responded to policy questions regarding the roles of business and government actors in reducing economic inequality. Rather than revealing insensitivity to rising inequality, the results suggest that rising economic inequality in contemporary society can spark skepticism about the existence of economic opportunity in society that, in turn, may motivate support for policies designed to redress economic inequality.

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When You’re the Wife of a Narcissist

Here’s what to expect when you marry a narcissist:

You will lose your self-esteem. When you marry a narcissist, you will not realize that he wants to destroy you from the inside out by acting like a normal human being at first, interspersed with random acts of meanness or manipulative-ness, and then over time, changing into a person who doesn’t see you as valuable at all – other than for what you can do for him, of course.

Overtime, he will begin to pout and feel sorry for himself.  Why is he pouting and feeling sorry for himself?  Because he is married to you.  He envies his friends who have “good” wives. He feels sorry for himself because you are so flawed and disappointing. You may be too fat or too skinny. You may nag too much or be too controlling. Your cooking may “suck” or your housecleaning isn’t up to par.

In fact, he hates being married to you – and you know it.  You are crushed. You did not get married to be a terrible spouse. You married your husband because you loved him and wanted to please him. But you never please him. At least not anymore. Now you are only a burden and a hindrance to his important agenda.

So, you try to improve. You go on a diet; join the gym; clean the house more thoroughly; try to complain less. But, nothing seems to work. You just can’t quite get to that place where other wives reside. Other wives seem to know how to be good wives and you simply stink at it. Your husband continues to be unhappy.

You finally give up trying to improve.

You focus on other things because focusing on your role as a wife became too depressing. You spend more time with your children. You hone your parenting skills and compensate for the disconnection in your marriage by connecting more with your children.

You realize that your children are somehow being hurt by the other parent as well, but you aren’t quite sure how.

After all, he isn’t beating them. He works, even supports them financially; goes to their sporting events; and comes home every night. But he seems disappointed in family life. He’s in the same room as you and the kids, but he seems a million miles away. The connection between the children and their father seems detached, distant, and cold.

You start to worry about the well-being of your children and yourself, but you push your thoughts away, reminding yourself that everyone has problems.

You feel very lonely and start to realize you are more like an object in your husband’s life, rather than a valuable partner.

Your husband doesn’t make decisions with you. He is very independent and does what he wants to do. If you challenge him there will be hell to pay, so often times you learn not to challenge him.  It’s not worth it.

You lose your voice. You have learned that when you challenge a narcissist things will not go well for anyone. The children will be traumatized, and it’s just easier to bite your tongue and try to address any issues later.

That’s a challenge in and of itself. Issues are never resolved when you’re married to a narcissist. Problems happen, and they get pushed under the rug. In order to solve a marriage problem you have to work on it yourself. You will read the marriage book alone. You will forgive one-sided. You will deal with any household problems alone. You will deal with the children’s problems without his help. All problems become yours to solve.

You become very resourceful.

Even though you are superwoman and solve all problems, you will not be appreciated for your efforts. In fact, you will be criticized and demeaned.

You will never be respected.

If you’re a fighter you will not respect him either. Either way your home has an attitude of disrespect in it.

And then, when all is said and done, your children will grow up, maybe move out, and will ultimately practice what they’ve been taught. They, too, will undervalue you and disrespect you as well.

After all, they’ve been taught the importance of having a scapegoat. They’ve learned to blame others (particularly you), walk on eggshells, overlook their own feelings and thoughts, and focus only on the narcissist’s wants and desires.

When your children finally have their own children, they may end up marrying a narcissist or becoming one. If your child ends up becoming a narcissist he will do so because he will finally have the opportunity to be the king of his own castle, finally! He will now have the opportunity to be the sun, while his children and spouse are all the planets orbiting around his universe, and so the cycle continues…

 

 

To receive a copy of my free monthly newsletter on the psychology of abuse, please send me your email address at: therecoveryexpert@gmail.com.

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Thoughts on Time Versus Money

If someone gave you five hundred dollars and told you to spend it on something that makes you happy, what would you buy?

Some new clothes? Gifts for friends and family? Or perhaps you’d donate the money to one of your favorite charities — after all, what could make you happier than that?

Well, there is something that makes most people happier, but we rarely consider it to be something we can buy: Time.

In this study published in June 2017, researchers concluded that people who pay others to complete time-consuming tasks for them are more satisfied with their lives than those who choose to tackle their unwanted chores. These results proved true across a wide range of incomes, careers and countries. It is important to note that one limitation of the study was that few people who lived at or below poverty level were included. Still, overall, the more time the subjects had, the more positive feelings, and less stress, they reported.

Why don’t more of us readily think of outsourcing some of our responsibilities to give ourselves more free time?

According to Ashley Whillans, a social psychologist and the lead author of the above study, most of us struggle daily with decisions of whether to place more value on time or money. For example:  Do we take the toll bridge which will save time but cost money? Should we settle for a longer work commute in order to pay less rent? The list goes on. Whillans believes that “people are notoriously bad at making decisions that will make them happier,” and suspects the abstract nature of time might be the reason. She says:

We always think we’re going to have more time tomorrow than we do right now, so we’re hesitant to trade money, which is concrete and measurable, for time, which is much more uncertain.

To me, this is the most compelling reason why we should give ourselves and our loved ones the gift of time. It is uncertain. Life is uncertain. As cliché as it might sound, it’s true: we never know what tomorrow will or will not bring. We need to make the most of today and not wait for when we “have more time.”

At no other point in my life was this more obvious than when I held my six-week daughter in my arms as she took her last breath. The only thing in the world I wanted was time. I would have given up everything I owned or previously thought was important to have more time with my baby. It was the only thing that mattered. I vowed at that point to spend as much time as I could with those I cared about.

If you are lucky enough to have people in your life who want to be with you, please consider freeing up as much time as you can afford to spend with them. Choose time. It doesn’t matter if you do something special or just “hang out” – it is being together that’s important. And you’ll end up with the added bonus of creating life-long memories. In my book, those memories, like time, are priceless.

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Thoughts about Inflicting Harm

I would never purposefully harm (or kill) an animal or another person, but sometimes I think about it. I’ve thought about stabbing my mother while she’s asleep or hurting one of my animals. Today I picked up a hammer that my kitten had knocked to the floor and immediately envisioned hitting her with it. I love my mother, of course, and I love my animals, and I would never do anything to harm them. Sometimes I do lose my patience and get a little rough with my animals when they’re being brats, but I’ve never intentionally hurt them, and I always feel horrible if I even so much as shout at them. I just want to know why I envision doing these things when I’m not even capable of doing them, why I would even think about such acts. (From the USA)

A:  I think it take courage to talk about these uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. The important thing here is that you know the images and reactions are not something you would act on. Since your profile says that you are in college, I would use the university counseling center to discuss the discomfort that comes when these thoughts come up. There are techniques that can help you deal with them very directly, which should help reduce your anxiety.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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The Face Shape That Is Most Attractive To Women

The face shape is also linked to being more aggressive and higher survival of hand-to-hand combat!

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You Won or Lost: Here’s How to Get Over It and Move On

“Winning and losing are both very temporary things. Having done one or the other, you move on. Gloating over a victory or sulking over a loss is a good way to stand still.” – Chuck Knox

I don’t know about you, but I don’t like being stuck. When something goes wrong — meaning, I’ve made a mistake — it’s a personal setback, to be sure. I don’t like it, but I’m not going to dwell on it any longer than necessary.

Similarly, once I’ve attained a goal I’ve worked hard for, I’m naturally going to indulge myself for a bit and feel good about what I accomplished. The tougher the goal, the more satisfying it feels to be on the other side of all the challenging work. Still, I’m not going to sit still for too long congratulating myself. Besides being selfish, as well as unhealthy, it doesn’t do much to motivate me. It also tends to tick off those around me.

Frankly, no one wants to be in the presence of a gloater or a sulker. While this applies universally, it’s also true that each of us has been there at one time or another. We’ve each stewed just a little too long in our misery or bragged more than appropriate about our wins.

Just get over it. It’s time to move on.

Easy enough to say, right? How do you get over yourself and move on after a glorious victory or an unexpected (or expected) loss or mistake? Here are some of my favorite tips that may help:

Keep a handy list of upcoming projects.

Something I’ve found effective is having a list handy of next projects I want to tackle. Of course, the list must contain things that are necessary as well as ones that are aspirational. A good mix is always recommended for upcoming projects. This serves to motivate, excite, remind and compel. Everyone needs some of each to get over whatever might contribute to being stuck in the moment and move on.

Check your list.

That’s right, keeping a list, something you can refer to gives you direction, something to do to get past your funk or over your self-congratulatory state. Pick something, anything, and get busy. When you’re active, you’re less likely to continue gloating or sulking.

Involve yourself in drudge work.

This may sound counter-intuitive. After all, how can doing something boring or distasteful help you get over it? Pulling weeds in the garden is therapeutic, for example, and it also allows your mind to think beyond wins and losses. This happens to be one of my most effective and enjoyable ways to get past being stuck. Fixing a plugged toilet may not be high on your list of aspirations either, but it needs fixing, and if you can do it, you’ll be putting your skills and your energies to work and not ruminating over whatever you were stuck on. Just to clarify, I don’t fix toilets. It’s not one of my core strengths. That’s someone else’s specialty. I stick to what I know I’m good at – or have a reasonable expectation of a favorable outcome. On the other hand, if no one was around and the toilet was overflowing, I’d get busy quick with a mop and a bucket – and speed dial the plumber.

Exercise.

There’s nothing like the exhilaration after a hard workout to erase any residual feelings of gloating or sulking. Besides being good for your physical health, exercise is an excellent healer and stimulator for mental health. It isn’t necessary to have an expensive gym membership to exercise. Walking outdoors qualifies, as does swimming, biking, any number of activities that require physical effort.

Engage in problem-solving.

Surely there’s some problem that requires a solution. Maybe you’re just the one to come up with it. You should think this way to give yourself a much-needed kick to the backside. Put your creative abilities to work and figure out some solutions that may prove workable. When you’re actively thinking how to fix a problem, you’re not stuck. You’re being proactive, resourceful and creative.

Help others.

Your neighbor could possibly use your assistance cleaning out the gutters or raking leaves from the yard. Lend a hand to a co-worker who’s behind on a project that the team desperately needs completed. See what you can do to ease the burden of a family member overwhelmed with chores. When you’re helping others, there’s work to be done and little time to stew or chortle over other things.

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The Experience of Correctional Psychiatry: Q&A with Patrick Gariety, MD

TCPR: Dr. Gariety, please tell us a bit about your background.

Dr. Gariety: I’ve been in practice for 23 years, starting out in community mental health, followed by 13 years in the federal bureau of prisons. Currently I work for a large regional medical group in the private sector.

TCPR: Tell me a bit more about the correctional setting.

Dr. Gariety: I worked at a high-security prison hospital, one of several medical/psychiatric centers within the federal bureau of prisons. There were about 1,200 prisoners at our facility. Several hundred were simply serving their time there, and the rest were either medical or psychiatric patients received from other prisons or jails. There were about 300 psychiatric patients at our facility, staffed with five psychiatrists and eight psychologists. Our staff included forensic clinicians who conducted court-ordered evaluations, and clinicians who did actual treatment. I was a treatment clinician. The psychiatric population was extremely mixed, with most of our patients suffering from some form of chronic mental illness, and/or severe personality disorders.

TCPR: What was your day-to-day job treating patients like?

Dr. Gariety: As you entered the institution each morning, you passed through a security gauntlet not unlike what you experience at the airport. Treatment was carried out by three multidisciplinary treatment teams. Our caseload consisted of 2 types of patients: those residing in locked housing (aka “solitary confinement”) and those in the general population (GP). The patients in GP could freely access their doctor, whereas patients in lockup couldn’t. Our work day typically began with morning report, attended by all disciplines, including correctional staff. Following report, our team’s psychologist and I would always do rounds on the locked housing units. We were somewhat atypical in committing ourselves to daily rounds on the locked units, but we felt it an essential priority which served both patients and staff in immeasurable ways. Rounding would often take up much of our mornings; afternoons were given to charting, writing orders, and individual talk therapy. At any time in the day, the routine was susceptible to emergencies requiring immediate attention, which usually occurred several times a week. This might be as innocuous as a patient in lockup becoming loud and disruptive, to something as serious as a suicide attempt or a medical emergency.

TCPR: So the GP patients would be the equivalent of civilian “outpatients,” and the lockup patients would be more like our “inpatients.”

Dr. Gariety: Essentially, yes. Patients in GP could freely move about the institution and access their doctor, whereas patients in locked housing couldn’t. The assumption was that GP patients didn’t pose a threat or a danger. They could come to my office at any time. With that being said, you always used your best judgment and listened to your gut as to whether or not to see an inmate in your office. My office was located where there was a lot of inmate and staff floor traffic. For privacy purposes, people couldn’t hear us, but they could easily see us via a window in my door. And we had instant access to security by phone or radio.

TCPR: How did it work seeing patients in locked housing?

Dr. Gariety: Rounding on a locked unit meant going from cell to adjacent cell, pressing your ear into the cell’s doorjamb while peering through a security-glass window, and talking through the doorjamb. The conversation you were having with the inmate was freely available to any interested staff or other nearby inmates who cared to listen in. As unconducive as this sounds, it’s where the majority of the most valuable talk therapy happened. Rounds also provided a means to role-model for the benefit of correctional staff.

TCPR: That’s interesting. How does that help correctional staff?

Dr. Gariety: Partly, it helps show how to de-escalate aggressive or psychotic behavior. But more importantly, it was a means of continually strengthening your alliance with the officers, who could be your best friends—or your worst enemies. Nothing earned more credibility with officers, or their respect, as much as their seeing you doing daily rounds and extending yourself to both patients and correctional staff alike. That alliance was essential to effectively working in a prison setting.

TCPR: I assume that daily rounds could be pretty time-consuming?

Dr. Gariety: Yes, but it was time well spent. The most disturbed individuals are in lockup, and it disincentivized a lot of their acting out and bad behavior knowing that they were going to see their doctor at least once every workday. It was a way of minimizing problems down the road.

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What Should I Do about Alcoholic Dad?

From a teen in Canada: For nearly my whole life my father has been an alcoholic. He has anger issues he refuses to address. For a period of time he would have fights with my mom about his drinking, but he’s learned to hide it from her.

When I was younger, he would constantly pick on my older sister. As I got to be 9+ years of age he also began to pick on me, especially once my sister left for school. He would yell at me without being provoked. He would come into my room at random times and yell at me for “not behaving like a normal human being” and cuss me out for other general things.

My sister used to get mad at me frequently as well, and I feel this was because for a long time she would get in trouble from my father but I wouldn’t. I was always upset when he would yell at her. Due to the way my family would interact with me, I tend to isolate myself from them. I am also very careful about managing my own anger, because I do not want to be like them.

As much as I feel my father has hurt me and acted selfishly, he’s still my dad, and when he is in the right mood he is very kind and giving to others. All of my friends think he’s great. I feel a lot of empathy for him because I believe he endured a lot of abuse when he was a child.

So this is my dilemma: My father has hurt me and continues with his behavior to this day. I don’t want to be near him or involved with him at all. However, I want him to be happy and feel loved. If I reject him, I know that I would be hurting him a lot. I truly feel that telling him how I feel and asking him to change will do nothing but make him angry. I have struggled with these conflicting emotions for a long time. What can I do?

A: Your father is a fortunate man to have such a thoughtful daughter. Being the sensitive person you are, you don’t want to hurt him, despite the fact that he has been hurtful. It’s sad he can’t see it.

That being said, I do want you to know that you are not alone in your dilemma. One of the challenges of dealing with a parent like yours is that he isn’t all bad. As you’ve indicated, it is unfair to write him off completely. He has positive qualities. He has supported his family. He has not alienated your friends. And you understand that his behavior stems from his own abuse history. There is much in your relationship with him that is worth salvaging.

You probably can’t address the situation on your own. I can think of a few things that might be helpful.

First: Look for a chapter of Al-Ateen. Al-Ateen helps teens like you develop tools for coping with an alcoholic parent. There’s a “find a meeting” tab on their website.

Secondly: Get yourself into therapy, not because I think you are mentally ill, but because I think you need an objective therapist to help you sort out the effects of having had an alcoholic parent. A therapist can offer you important support as you figure out what you can and can’t do to maybe change the situation. I hope the therapist will also engage your sister and mother in the project and consider whether a family intervention would be helpful. Sometimes a kind but direct confrontation with the pain that alcoholism has caused does motivate someone to change.

Third: Find a way to forgive your dad for being an imperfect father. Yes, he really has been imperfect. But apparently he has also done the best he could given his own history. The best he could wasn’t good enough but he did somehow manage to stay in the family and to raise a daughter like yourself. Forgiveness is not intended to let him off the hook for his negative behaviors. Forgiveness has the power to help you both move on and perhaps make a better future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Money, Sex, & Secrets: Keep Them from Ending Your Relationship

Every relationship is stressful. What matters is how you DEAL with it.

Couples across cultures and continents — of all races and religions, economics and demographics — experience the same human emotion when faced with relationship challenges and marriage problems.

It feels like nothing ever gets resolved, the dance just keeps repeating itself.

It’s a merry-go-round of pain, misunderstanding, hurtful words and blame that gets uglier with each turn of the wheel.

The Weird Money Thing You Do That Puts Your Relationship At Risk

In order to learn to cope with relationship stress, it’s crucial to identify your biggest source of stress. Take your pick: depression by one or both partners, long-term illness, work stress, money stress, problems with children, addictions, blended families, co-parenting issues like not being unified in your parenting style … these types of long-term stress can seem all-consuming at times.

And chronic stress can have serious consequences, causing physical symptoms (backache, headache), emotional upset (anxiety, anger), or relationship disconnect or conflict.

Another very common, yet significant, issue for couples is the difference in their core values.

When you first met him, he seemed so interesting and enticing (they do say opposites attract), but after the initial period of infatuation and romance faded, the differences created a disconnect between each of your core values in areas like education, how to raise your children, traveling, money management, marital roles and responsibilities, religion, and more.

These are BIG ticket items when it comes to maintaining a long-term marriage with someone: honesty, trust, and communication.

These shared core values are the equalizer to a stronger, happier, healthy marriage.

Here are a few quick tips to help you help you identify whether you have these shared core values BEFORE you marry him (more info later in the article for what to do if you’re already committed).

• Be sure that the two of you have had a few deep conversations before you have sex. Understand his values, behaviors, and approach to life. This will speak volumes to you as you start deciphering if he’s the right guy. If he’s not the right match for you, the sex will not seem as imminent.
• Notice the red flags! Think back to some warning signs you may have picked up on but perhaps ignored, thinking he would change over time.
• Don’t marry him to change him! Remember — what you see is what you get.

Regardless of which problem is the most common for you and your partner to argue about, you’re not alone!

The underlying foundation for most common problems is how each of you deals with your own feelings of anxiety while also dealing with your partner’s feelings of frustration or painful silence.

What makes it complicated for couples is how you communicate about your hot-button issues.

For example:

• You worry that you when you’re ready to finally talk, he won’t be.
• You wonder what to do when he says: “Let’s talk.” But then he does all the talking!
• Your biggest fear is that too much time will have passed and when you finally talk, it erupts into a yelling match or complete silence and awkwardness for days, until one of you decides to speak first.

A few things to remember, to help take some of the stress out of tough conversations:

• Talking is always better than not talking about it!
• How you talk is just as important. Do it when you’re alone and uninterrupted, rested and calm, focused and caring.
• At the outset, announce your intentions to make it a dialogue so that each of you speaks and listens to each other with respect.

Secrets, sex, or money (or secrets, sex, AND money?) — the most common sources of stress in marriages.

More often, it’s usually secrets about sex and money! According to one study, 33% of people admitted to lying to their spouses about finances with an estimated 7 million Americans reporting that they are hiding a secret bank account.

In one poll, over 1000 U.S. adults self-reported that personal financial concerns were the number one stressor!

Notably, our society is increasingly more stressed out than it was 6 months ago or even 5 years ago! So, if stress isn’t going anywhere, then what can you do about it?

Secrets are insidious and can be a dangerous slippery slope that starts with a small detail you leave out when talking about your day, to a white lie about how much you really spent at the store. Over time, it becomes a habit, and like any habit, the lie grows bigger and wider until you feel like your life is out of control!

If you’re lying or withholding information from your spouse, life can spin between fear, guilt, shame, resentment, and justification for what you did (and why you did it).

Then you do it all over again.

At this point, you’re numb and the only thing you feel is exhausted and alone. You’re alone in this marriage with a partner who does not know you and you don’t know how to change it.

If you find yourself living a lie with your spouse, it is vital that you take steps towards healing that gap — even if you have to reach out to a relationship professional or your pastor. Don’t delay!

If your marriage is in trouble, it probably looks like a big mountain of issues from where you’re standing.

As a first step, you have to decide to begin changing the pattern of communication between the two of you.

So, reach out to him in kindness. Manage a calm demeanor and ask him when he’s available to sit and talk, just the two of you without interruption (not late at night, not after drinks, and always turn off cell phones).

It’s best when you are rested and fresh.

Once the two of you have figured out your sources of marriage stress and have made a plan to communicate, you can do the real work of addressing your marriage problems.

Here are seven concrete (and simple) steps to improving your stressful relationship:

1. Make Up Your Mind Right Now to Cope Differently.

Change your mindset from worried and negative (or angry and grumpy) to hopeful, determined and positive!

Be brave and look directly at the problem.Try this technique:

Talk to yourself about the problem the same way your best friend would talk to you about the problem! Your best friend would be patient, supportive, and caring. Your best friend would be your cheerleader and tell you that you can do this and how you will get through this successfully!

2. Relax, Breathe and Start Calmly.

Remember this is your chance to be his best friend and to support him throughout the conversation so that together you successfully get thru the more difficult parts of the conversation with a loving attitude .

3. Let Go.

This is about forgiving yourself — and each other — for past actions, and moving forward in a dedicated goal towards healing the problem and eliminating the stress in your relationship.

4. Work as a Team.

Ask for your partner’s help so that each of you own your part of the process.

The Good Divorce: 6 Secrets To A Successful, Unmessy Mediation

5. Start Small and Work Your Way Up.

Start with small incremental steps, and when you are successful, move to intermediate steps. Then, once you have some success together under your belt, tackle larger steps to finalize success.

Decide on which stressor you’re going to deal with, name the stressor, define it, then work together to eliminate it!

Break the problem down into user-friendly steps by communicating clearly to ensure understanding between the two of you.

Example: You can pay off one bill or all the bills, get a new job, telecommute, instead of commuting long distances, come home early one night a week for family dinner (or date night). Identify together your number one stressor that is negatively impacting your marriage.

6. Appreciate What You Have.

Visualize your life without the stressor and talk to each other a for a few moments about what that would look like and how it would feel.

This is a very powerful tool towards positive change. Share the fantasy!

7. Schedule Weekly Check-Ins.

Make it a weekly conversation so that you can “check in” with each other to see how it’s going and make adjustments as needed.

In this way, it will become fluid rather than rigid. It will be collaborative and voluntary rather than dictated or demanded.

In summary, there is hope for resolving the stresses in your relationship.

Try to remember that true intimacy is about sharing thoughts feelings and behaviors. And honesty begins with sharing your how you feel with your spouse. Now you have the skills and tools to help you communicate, honestly, and move your marriage or relationship forward.

This guest article originally appeared on YourTango.com: 7 Ways To Keep The Stress Of Money, Sex & Secrets From ENDING Your Relationship.

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Fear of the Sun?

In the last year or so my psychological development has been very unusual (though it always was). I’ve started developing a massive distaste for sun. My eyes have become incredibly sensitive to light, so much so that even with sunglasses on I can barely keep my eyes open at times if the sun is too bright. My head starts hurting and I feel lightheaded and weak. I start feeling as if I’m losing my breath. But the psychological effects are even worse. I feel so vulnerable and exposed whenever I’m in the sun. It’s like I’m underneath this huge spotlight that I can’t run away from, so I get panicked when there’s no shade near by. The air becomes thick and I feel like I’m trapped and suffocating.

So I find myself now spending days upon days trapped in my room with my windows completely covered; I feel the safest when no sun ray can go through. I basically have no social life and I feel embarrassed whenever I’m with someone in the sun because they see how agitated and paranoid I suddenly get, though I try to control it. Summertime  has become an absolute nightmare. (From Serbia)

A:  There are many reasons sensitivity to the sun can be effecting you, and I would highly recommend a complete physical as soon as possible. Sun sensitivity can have a direct effect on well-being, but the more immediate concern is that the lack of sun can have, perhaps, even more difficult symptoms psychologically.

I’d encourage you to explain what is happening to a physician and he or she will be able to help determine what may be causing your reaction.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

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Why It’s So Important to Hold On to Hope

Five years ago, I wrote about the correlation between expectations and happiness — lower your expectations and you will be happier — reign in expectations and stress and despair won’t be prominent when life does not go according to plan. And perhaps there is a semblance of truth to that notion.

But here’s where it’s nuanced. With diminished expectations, we chip away at hope. And how can we not hope for a better tomorrow? I consider myself to be someone with spirit. I become excited when I have an idea. I look forward to experiences and anticipate memorable ones. And while it’s important to cope when such experiences fall through, I think it’s even more important to hold onto what was originally present — that sense of hope.

And sure, I’ve been let down. I’ve had my eager mentality crushed. I’ve felt limited. There are plenty of factors in life beyond my control and that will never change.

Yet, regardless of disappointment, regardless of a discouraging outcome, I’d rather hope than not hope at all. I’d rather feel hope’s bright light than live my day to day in its absence.

The 2011 Times article, “Optimism Bias: Human Brain May Be Hardwired for Hope,” offers a perspective with roots in evolutionary psychology. Hope can be wired in the human brain to enhance survival. If present during trying times, hope can be a factor that allows some to transcend adversity and garner positivity for the days ahead.

“Hope keeps our minds at ease, lowers stress and improves physical health,” the article states.  “Researchers studying heart-disease patients found that optimists were more likely than nonoptimistic patients to take vitamins, eat low-fat diets and exercise, thereby reducing their overall coronary risk. A study of cancer patients revealed that pessimistic patients under the age of 60 were more likely to die within eight months than nonpessimistic patients of the same initial health, status and age.”

Ashely Schild, a social worker who is also a personal friend of mine, conveyed that hope is what allows her to re-shape a negative situation. “Hope is something that guides me everyday, and I take comfort in knowing that disappointments can be temporary and channelled in a positive way.”

Janice O’Leary shared her thoughts with me on the subject matter as well. “In life we will always be disappointed, have anxiety, face difficulties,” she said. “Hope and faith are the only things we have to hold onto. Things can change in an instant, we should never give up hope.”

Psychology Today’s 2011 article, “The Will and Ways of Hope” notes that hope can incorporate learning goals and become a blueprint for the future.

“People with learning goals are actively engaged in their learning, constantly planning strategies to meet their goals, and monitoring their progress to stay on track,” the post explains. “A bulk of research shows that learning goals are positively related to success across a wide swatch of human life—from academic achievement to sports to arts to science to business.”

Life is always going to bring us challenges. Life is always going to be comprised of setbacks that could pull us down. Is it still foolish to have hope?

I say it’s not. Because without hope, what are we left with? I say hope is significant. I say it’s a beautiful part of what it means to be human.

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Let’s Not Forget the Kids

I am a clinician who grew up surrounded by alcoholism.  I grew up in the house that Jack built.  Jack was my father, and although he didn’t construct our house board by board, his alcoholism framed it in toxicity. The atmosphere in our small house brimming with children was chilly at best.  My mother, five brothers and I remained on high alert, never knowing if dad would come home for dinner intoxicated or if he would return at all. If the family function is an art form, ours looked more like the disjointed parts of a Picasso—everyone was hurting.

We didn’t know what we didn’t know, and we had no language for what was happening. The no-talk rule so common in alcoholic/addicted households held fast in our fear-based system.  Days without tension days were the odd ones; on calm days, things just felt off.

A child growing up in an alcoholic or addicted home will become overly familiar with intense feeling states, particularly anger, fear and anxiety. Children need words. They need a safe harbor, a channel to understand their world, a way to navigate their emotions, lest they begin to plow them underground.

The emotions cushioning my Lost Child role were hard to shake: anxiety, fear of failure, sense of over responsibility, floating guilt and that all-encompassing shame.

I finally fell like Humpty from the wall of safe, flat places, and it was time to risk breaking camp and begin my healing work. It took a village—a therapist, journaling groups, expressive arts groups, Al-Anon circles and a Master’s degree in Alcoholism and Drug Abuse Ministry to bring forth a new framework for living, loving and leading others.

Fast forward to the current addiction crisis. Consider all the family members impacted, and particularly the children—so many kids raised in houses built around the illness of addiction. My father’s alcoholism took years to manifest into full-blown, out-of-control addiction. Opiate and heroin addiction creates family dysfunction on speed dial. While we’re batting an eye or scratching our heads, a four-year-old is watching his mother die with a needle in her arm. A six-year-old is left in the back seat of a car or in the restroom of a discount store while parents tend to their drug habits.

Yes, there’s an epidemic. Yes, addicts need help. Yes, we need to create more and different treatment options. Yes, Naloxone can bring a user back from the brink of death.  But what about the children nestled inside a parent’s opiate addiction? How do we pull them back from the brink of fear/anxiety/confusion/anger?

Costs to the Children

Dr. Nora Volkow, director of National Institute on Drug Abuse, discusses children in her 2016 blog  She cites how early intervention in a child’s life where family instability is the norm, helps stabilize a child’s ability to self-regulate later on. Early stabilization decreases their risk of abusing alcohol/drugs. While substance abuse costs to our society are difficult to swallow—2013 statistics regarding costs, including tobacco, alcohol, illicit drugs were cited as $740 billion annually. Those costs include health care, lost productivity, and crime. July 25. NIDA. (2017, April 24). Trends & Statistics.

Although costs to the children of addicts are not so easy to gather, clinicians can rest assured there is some degree of negative impact on a child’s emotional world. So many will have issues with trust, love and self-worth.  And how many will become addicts or alcoholics? Shame is the tie that will bind them unless supportive programs can offer hugs and age appropriate language to help them understand the family illness and pain. When pain is minimized or denied, it will slide sideways and find a way out through maladaptive behaviors.

I recently found a copy of a poem by Rainer Maria Rilke tucked between the pages of a meditation book from my early recovery days:

Destiny itself is like a wonderful wide tapestry in which every thread is guided

by an unspeakable tender hand, placed beside another thread, and held and

carried by a hundred others.

Children of addicts and alcoholics need the “unspeakable tender hand of a hundred others.”  Part of a clinician’s responsibility during these heightened days of concern needs be to the little ones. They deserve advocacy.  They need be a part of the family healing.

For clinicians working directly with those addicted adults–ask them about their kids:

• Have you talked to your kids about addiction?  What do they know?
• What kind of acting out behaviors have you witnessed in them?
• What are you willing to do to get your children the age-appropriate help they need?
• Provide material to families concerning outreach in your communities regarding play therapy, Alateen or Alatot groups.
• Provide a list of reading material, suggestions include:

“Wishes and Worries: Coping With A Parent Who Drinks Too Much Alcohol,” by Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, Lars Rudebjar

“An Elephant In the Living Room, The Children’s Book,” by Jill M. Hastings and Marion H. Typpo

“Up And Down the Mountain: Helping Children Cope With Parental Alcoholism,” by Pamela Leib Higgins

“My Dad Loves Me; My Dad Has A Disease. A Child’s View: Living With Addiction,” by Claudia Black

“Understanding Addiction and Recovery Through A Child’s Eyes: Hope, Help and Healing for Families,” by Jerry Moe

Let us not forget that little ones growing up in homes framed by addiction need tender hands to guide and words to help them understand.

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Dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder

Those with borderline personality disorder (BPD) suffer from a pervasive fear of abandonment and are often triggered into feeling put down or mistreated. They defend against feelings of abandonment, with rage and anger, and become misunderstood when they’re longing for love. In the heat of the moment, they can send the angry text. They can look like a toddler that gets angry, when they protest as a bid for love. It is important to look at what is behind the actual behavior of a borderline person, rather than react. Most of their behavior is a way to communicate how they feel, but it comes out the wrong way.

The individual with borderline personality disorder gets angry in order to defend against deep fears of rejection, often pushing away loved ones, who do not understand them.  Since they feel worthless, they test their partners love, to see if they will abandon them. They are often seen as attacking, so loved ones withdraw from them, misreading their actual behavior as offensive.  It becomes self-perpetuating that the borderline person ends up becoming abandoned, by not being aware of their triggers and projecting their abandonment fears onto others, who may not actually be treating them this way. Because they doubt themselves, they do not understand why anyone would really want them.

As a child the borderline toddler tested the parent by wants or demands, in order to push the boundaries to see how much they could get away with. The toddler needed a parent who could respond to their needs, while also be calm and strong to not give into their wants or demands by setting limits on their behavior. The mother often gave into their tantrums or testing behaviors, so the child didn’t learn limits on their behavior, which later become acting out behaviors. By giving in to their testing behaviors, the parent ended up losing control over the child’s behavior, who keeps acting out, causing the parent to over react by being aggressive or abandoning the child’s needs, when they’ve had enough . The parent was either loving or mean / abandoning.

The borderline child became abandoned or mistreated, unless they complied or met the parent’s needs. Therefore, they give up their self to please others, so they can feel wanted, often not taking care of themselves, ending up in crisis and not having the conviction within themselves to have healthy boundaries or set limits to protect themselves. They usually do not want to hurt others and cannot say no. They end up solving other people’s problems, rather than focusing on fixing their actual life.

They often end up in situations that are destructive, because they do not have a strong enough conviction within themselves to trust themselves, when they notice red flags in relationships. The borderline person will put up with abusive treatment, because they associate abuse with the love they received in the past. They will often pay a high price to feel loved, to avoid abandonment, at the expense of themselves. They often do not know that they are mistreated, because it feels normal, often re-capturing a lost loved parent to meet their unmet needs in their present relationships. They repeat their pattern of putting up with abuse to feel loved, by hoping to recreate the love they’re longing for. Finding abusive or unavailable partners does not actually give them what they didn’t receive and they certainly cannot fix the past by attaching to partners who represent their past.

The borderline person often had parents do things for them, so they learned to depend on others to do things for them or take care of them. Other times they never had parents to support their growth or development. They replace the focus on themselves by focusing on others, to feel good about themselves. The borderline does not have confidence in themselves, often seems vulnerable, appears helpless and sometimes clings to destructive relationships to feel love. So, others feel worried about them and want to help. However, they often didn’t develop the capacity to help themselves, so others tend to rescue them. When others give unwanted advice, it can feel imposing or belittling. When the borderline does not think for themselves, and takes on the advice of others, it prevents them from working things out for themselves. They will not grow, but will stay helpless and dependent on others to take over their life for them, so they do not have to take responsibility. It enables them to stay stuck. Others feel annoyed at their efforts to help that seem to go nowhere, so friends give up on them or have enough, abandoning them when they’re most vulnerable.

The borderline can feel patronized by others taking control of their life for them. All they want is the space to be themselves, so they can understand themselves. They feel others impose and overstep the mark, by telling them what to do. It doesn’t help them to take responsibility for themselves, but reinforces how silly they feel.

How should a borderline individual deal with their emotions?

Firstly, do not react to your feelings. Check out whether your feelings are warranted or if you are being triggered. Recognize your triggers and situations that trigger you. This will help you work out what belongs to you or others. Are the feelings inside of you, or external by being caused by others.

If you are triggered, then digest and process the feelings, to understand them, rather than react to discharge them. Getting in touch with your feelings will help you to manage situations calmly and use your emotions as a tool to understand yourself.

Recognise that the feelings of worthiness or abandonment belong to your past, so do not let them impact the way you see yourself or others. Talk yourself out of it, to overcome these negative self-beliefs or irrational fears. No one really thinks you are as bad as you really think. Learn to deal with feelings and let it go. Be mindful of what belongs to the past and what belongs to the present. Therapy can help to deal with the past so that it doesn’t get in the way and distort one’s perception of reality.

Be aware that the wish to be taken care of or get support from others, can actually push loved ones away and not help you sort your own life. People do not want to be responsible for others, all the time. Also, leaving  your life up to others, means you make them responsible for your life, rather than taking control of our life.

Learn to say no, take care of yourself, set limits on others, so that you are not overwhelmed with everyone else’s problems, to start to sort out your own life. You will not be present in your own life, if you’re dealing with everyone else, but yourself.

If you feel abandoned, by not focusing on everyone else, it is not true. Focusing on others (e.g parent) was a way to prevent feelings of abandonment, but it got in the way of self-activating. The borderline person will get better when they focus on themselves, not others. Lean to centre yourself, by listening to yourself and staying true to your real self, not base your life on what others think you should do.

Do not avoid the areas in your life that make you unhappy; avoidance or denial will further set you back. Listen to yourself. Facing the problems helps you to sort your own life out.

Do not beat yourself up or give up, if things do not work out straight away. Rome was not built in day. Understand that change or reaching one’s goals takes time; the more you do it, the more confidence in yourself you will gain. Share your goals with others, let them know what your set out to do for yourself. Share your aspirations. Become solution-orientated, not problem saturated. When you are positive, you will draw positive things toward you.

When the borderline person can take ownership for their life, and not be derailed by relationships, they can move forward and harness their real self.

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