Mother/Daughter Relationship. While these stories may be entertaining for the movies, it is not so amusing in real life. The real life versions can be a combination of all three types. The impact of a narcissistic mother on their child is significant and traumatic for both sexes but even more so for a daughter. Narcissistic mothers view their daughters as competition with younger skin, better opportunities, and thinner bodies. Nurturing mothers by contrast are excited about the possibilities of their daughter’s future wanted to encourage and foster a healthy relationship.
A Pregnant Narcissist. There is a lot of attention given by friends, family, and even strangers to a pregnant woman. For most, just the sight of a pregnant woman brings feelings of hopefulness, anticipation, and positivity. This feeds the narcissistic ego which could be in flux due to the physical changes in appearance. However, once the baby is born and the attention shifts to the child, the narcissistic mother becomes envious of the newborn. The result is one of two reactions: pulling away from the child or holding them even closer so the mother gets attention via close contact with the child.
First Stage of Development. According to Erik Erikson’s Eight States of Psychosocial Development, the first stage is a child learns is to trust or mistrust their caretaker. Trust fosters hope and faith in an infant while mistrust cultivates suspicion and fear. At the hands of a narcissistic mother, this stage promotes more extreme versions. Trust is translated into a fixation only for the mother while mistrust is converted to paranoia and panic. Both encourage the development of anxiety in a child as they try unconsciously to maintain or earn the love of their mother.
Neglectful Mother. The mother who cultivates mistrust in a child is neglectful. There is an obvious emotional disconnect as the mother uses every opportunity to hand off the child for others to parent. Love is withheld from the child in a strange abusive game. The mother dangles her love on a string demanding performance from the child. When the child catches the bait, the mother raises the stakes even higher shaming the child into perfectionism. The child then learns to ignore the mother’s luring which causes the mother to become increasingly irritated and impatient with the child. Sensing the disinterest (narcissists hate to be ignored), the mother uses the opportunity to become the victim in front of others citing the child’s behavior as evidence. Others give sympathy to the mother but not the child, resulting in more feelings of abandonment in the child.
Helicopter Mother. The mother who fosters exclusive trust in a child is a helicopter parent. In front of others, this mother appears to be the perfect caring mother who is very involved in every aspect of the child’s life. In reality, this mother doesn’t allow a child to make even the slightest of decisions and completely highjacks the development of autonomy and initiative. The child becomes a physical extension of the mother’s identity which is unable to be separated. In exchange for her commitment and loyalty to her child, the mother expects the child to worship her thereby feeding the narcissistic need for admiration. Others see the “perfect child” and then revere the mother for her excellent skills as a parent completely overlooking any contribution the child may or may not have made to this process.
In the end, a narcissistic mother generally produces two types of children: one who becomes an adult well advanced for their years and the other who is constantly dependent on others and feels entitled. But sadly both types will require some counseling to overcome having one of the scariest personalities for a mother.
Christine Hammond is a Licensed Mental Health counselor who lives in Orlando and is the award-winning author of The Exhausted Woman’s Handbook.
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