I Know Something Is Wrong with Me

From Canada: I know something is wrong with me but I’m not sure what it is or what its from. I react terribly to all situations (start crying, lie, run away..), and i feel sad and anxious all the time.

I am currently in a pretty good relationship. Sometimes my boyfriend gets mad and i end up with small scratches and bruises (no broken bones or any real injuries – it’s not “abusive”) sometimes in the past when injuries were visible – on my face or neck – coworkers and friends asked what happened and if i was okay. I always made up a funny story because i didn’t want people to overreact but secretly i was kind of happy they asked because it felt like someone cared about me.

Lately, no one asks if I’m okay anymore and it makes me feel so isolated, like if i ever wanted someone to talk to i would have no one. But the biggest problem is i worry they all think negatively of me. I also self harm, and have cuts all up my arm (I always wear long sleeves and don’t think anyone has noticed), and i have burns and all kinds of other scars from when i was very young.

I am so terrified people think i’m crazy or a liar or that i do all of this to myself for attention. The worst part is that i actually sometimes like attention. I just don’t know. I don’t actually care about anything other than what people think of me.

Obviously there are more details to all of this but i don’t know what to include because i have no idea what is relevant or why i ruin everything or why i am so sad and anxious all the time.

Everything in my life is great so i have no idea why i feel like everything is bad, and i was hoping someone might be able to help me figure things out? Thanks in advance.

A: Everything in your life is not great. Your boyfriend is abusive. You also abuse yourself. You deserve far better but you don’t know how to get it so you are rationalizing that your life and your relationship are okay.

Although I suspect that you have a history of trauma and may be depressed, I can’t offer a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. What I can do is validate that you deserve to be taken seriously — especially by yourself. You need the support, encouragement and guidance of a caring therapist. Please make an appointment. A therapist will help you understand yourself and will work with you to relieve your pain. To get started, take your letter and this response with you and share it with the therapist.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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